God Darn It's Been Forever Since I Wrote A Good Story.

by Super Trampoline

First published February 15th, 2020 12:10

Twilight and Starlight try to get Trixie to make a friend. It doesn't go very well. Then Sunset and Party Favor hang out for a few paragraphs, and then Twilight and Rarity gossip about Suri Polomare. These three scenes aren't particularly connected.

Chapters

And This Story Isn't a Good Story Either

And This Story Isn't a Good Story Either
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God Darn It's Been Forever Since I Wrote A Good Story.

And This Story Isn't a Good Story Either

So one day Twilight Sparkle was like, "Yo, Trixie, you need to have more than one friend who by the way you're pretty clearly codependent on. I'm making you be friends with my friend Moondancer who also needs more than one friend (me)."

"But I don't wannnnnaa" Trixie complained. "I just want to smoke crack and fuck Starlight and go nowhere in life like in Totally Legit Recap episodes!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Trixie, you behave the exact same way in DWK's videos as you would in actuality if this weren't a kids show. You're a mess and you need more positive influences in your life. And also to lay off on the crack. And the meth. Seriously."

Trixie harrumphed. "You're not my mom! You're barely my friend! You can't make me hang out with that shut-in! Just wait until Starlight hears about this!"

Starlight stepped out from behind the pile of refuse that had piled up next to Trixie's Wagon since Trixie refused to pile her refuse in a rubbish bin. "Who do you think gave her the idea, hun?"

Trixie was aghast. "Y-y-you... you traitor! How could you? How could you do this to me?"

Starlight trotted over to Trixie. "Because I love you, and because Twilight and I agree, it'd be good for you to make some more friends." She tried to lean in for a hug, but Trixie stepped back.

"Don't touch me, Discord!" (Many ponies use Discord's name to mean "traitor" as a form of metonymy.)

Discord of course appeared out of nowhere. "J'accuse!" he shouted, referencing "J'Accuse...!" (French pronunciation: [ʒakyz]; "I Accuse...!"), an open letter published on 13 January 1898 in the newspaper L'Aurore by the influential writer Émile Zola.

In the letter, Zola addressed President of France Félix Faure and accused the government of anti-Semitism and the unlawful jailing of Alfred Dreyfus, a French Army General Staff officer who was sentenced to lifelong penal servitude for espionage. Zola pointed out judicial errors and lack of serious evidence. The letter was printed on the front page of the newspaper and caused a stir in France and abroad. Zola was prosecuted for libel and found guilty on 23 February 1898. To avoid imprisonment, he fled to England, returning home in June 1899.

Other pamphlets proclaiming Dreyfus's innocence include Bernard Lazare's A Miscarriage of Justice: The Truth about the Dreyfus Affair (November 1896). As a result of the popularity of the letter, even in the English-speaking world, J'accuse! has become a common generic expression of outrage and accusation against someone powerful.

By doing this, he quickly fulfilled his quota of making at least one pop culture reference everytime he appeared. He then disappeared and does not appear in the rest of this story. By the way some of that was copied from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Since it's open source I think that's okay.

Anyway, Starlight was like, "I love you very much Trixie, now go make some friends."

"Fuck you, Starlight!" Trixie shouted.

"Do a good job making a new friend, and you can," Starlight replied, winking.

Trixie harrumphed. "Fine. Cunt."

So yeah Twilight introduced Trixie to Moon Dancer but honestly both were kind of awkward and didn't really enjoy the experience so I'm not going to write about it. Oof, all that buildup for nothing. But if you want a good Moon Dancer story, I HIGHLY recommend

EI Am Awkward (Yellow)

Two shy, yellow ponies meet and hit it off. But friendship problems don't stop just because romance is on the table.

J Carp · 26k words · 249 9 · 3k views

Like seriously both Present Perfect and I highly recommend it so you know it's good!

Anyway so yeah Trixie and Moon Dancer attempting friendship just ended with Moon Dancer using her superior magic skills to magically glue Trixie to the ceiling of the Canterlot Nimbly Trot Extension Branch Library. Or something I don't know I'm honestly over this story but have to introduce a second act to it to get it over the 1,000 word minimum although given that like 150 of those words earlier weren't mine, I'm probably going to go more than a bit over.

So yeah, after that failure, which I feel a good author could have explored to really interesting effect but I just bailed out on, I kept clicking the MLP crackfic generator http://www.generatorland.com/usergenerator.aspx?id=13072 until I got Party Favor and Sunset Shimmer, which I think is an interesting paring. I mean, what do we really know about Party Favor? I remember there was a funny gif of him making that balloon bridge but it was pixilated so it was like it was his dick. But I can't find it anymore. I struggle so often with how to characterize these characters, but I'm too lazy to go back and watch the episodes they're in. Anyone else feel that mood? No? Just me?

Anyway, Party Favors was really good at making balloon animals so he... fuck I have no clue where to go with this. I don't know, Sunset Shimmer, on a trip back to the pony world, saw him do a balloon show and she thought it was really cool so she invited him to visit the human world and see how his balloon making would be in the human world...

...Turns out the answer is "pretty impressive." So yeah, Sunset shimmer was impressed. I uh, I have no clue where I'm going with this. But yeah someone should write a story about the human Starlight Glimmer. I'm sure they have. But I haven't read it. Anyway yeah did I tie that to the previous bit about Trixie and Moon Dancer at all? No, no I did not. But um pretend there was a clever bridging device. Maybe I should distract you with some flashy explosion or something...

You know, this was not what I was looking for, but it's just so incredibly beautiful:

(I don't know much about Apogee beyond the facts that she loves space/rockets and ends up in a lot of incest porn.)

Anyway while I'm at a thousand words, for reasons previously stated I should probably write some more. So yeah, Twilight and Starlight tried to get Trixie and Moon Dancer to bond but that failed, and then Sunset went and saw what Party Favor could do with hands.

So, uh there was a passing of time, and then the next day Twilight and, um... Rarity were shooting the shit and Twilight was like, yo, Rares, whatever happened to that Suri Polomare chick who tried to fuck you over?"

Rarity smiles, sipping whatever her favorite tea was. Probably Chamomile or something. Wow I can't believe I spelled that correctly on the first try. Anyway, Rarity smiled knowingly and simply said, "When I said I'd cut a bitch, I wasn't joking."

Twilight grew pail.

Rarity laughed "Oh, Twilight, what, you though I killed her? No I just told her if she ever tried stealing designs from me or anypony else again, I'd turn her into a living pincushion. And then I held up a voodoo doll in my magic and stabbed it with a dozen sewing needles. Repeatedly. I think she got the memo." Rarity tittered at her own remarks.

Twilight just stared at her with her mouth agape for a bit. Eventually, Rarity stopped laughing. "Whatever is the matter, dear?" she asked.

"Rarity, what the actual fuck?" Twilight exclaimed. "Like, I know know you're a stone cold killer, but Jesus Christ, you're fucking terrifying!"

Rarity grinned. "Darling, in this cutthroat business, one must establish dominance. I do believe you know what I mean," Rarity said, winking.

Twilight Sparkle, on account of being a sub for Rarity from time to time, very much knew how good Rarity was at domming. Mmmmmm Yes please mistress.

Uh, I'm going to end this story. I have some, uh, laundry to do...

Author's Note

Isn't harrumph a wonderful word?