My Crazy Ex: The Royal Treatment

by TheKMExperience

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Sex, Comedy
Length: 1946

Oh, yes. I'm going there...(unfortunately)

Former princess Celestia decides to let her dear sister sleep with her husband, Dominic, in order to help her get pregnant. However, the guy soon suspects the alicorn of the night just may have ulterior motives as the awkward meter continues to rise.

Unlike other things...

This is my first M-rated story that I am both proud and ashamed of. Takes place during the (former) royal sisters' retirement. WARNING: it's not really explicit, but HEAVILY implied stuff. Just a heads up.

The things I do for you people...:trollestia:

Don't forget to leave a like! :twilightsmile:

Published 2020-02-12 17:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-12 17:50:02 UTC

A Little Misfire

[DAY 1125]

I'm Dominic Barclay, your average human of Equestria.

Me and Celestia have been married for about three years. We were happy now that she doesn't have any royal duties anymore. However, we were a LONG way from settling down or having children. There were still so many things we wanted to do.

Her sister, Luna and her human husband, Nitro, on the other hand/hoof, they had been trying to have children for........a while.

One night, we were all hanging out at their place and Luna suddenly had something to say.

"We have some news." she said. "Maybe not good news, unfortunately."

"Is everything alright, sister?" Tia asked.

"Well......you two know how we've been trying to get pregnant for a while, and it's been more difficult than we thought. So we had some tests done. Nitro, are you okay with this?"

"Y-Yeah, yeah." he uttered. "It's fine, um.....m-my sperm count is so low that, technically, I'm considered sterile."

"Oh, goodness." Tia gasped.

"Dude, I am so sorry." I said.

"Its okay."

I felt AWFUL for them, especially for Luna. I mean, as a guy, I can't even imagine getting that kind of news.

"Have you thought about adopting?" I asked.

"We did, and it's......not for us." Luna sighs. "But we did talk about some other options, and that's why we wanted to talk to you two about. We were wondering if.....Dominic would be the sperm donor."

"Oh. Oh, wow..."

Not exactly what we were expecting from a dinner invite.

"You want Dom's essence?" Tia asked.

"H-How would this work?" I stuttered. "Would we go to a lab, uh, or I could go to the bathroom with a cup?"

And then....it got even more uncomfortable.

"That's the other tricky part." Luna states. "We'd have to have intercourse."

So, you're thinking the same thing I was. Why would sex be necessary in a world of sperm donations and test tube babies?

"Artificial insemination is really expensive for us, and.....it's not nearly as effective as the natural way."

"I-It's not my favorite thing to think about." Nitro nodded. "But it's something we both really want."

Apparently, the thought of having some anonymous donor bothered them. They wanted it to be from someone they knew.

"And it's not like it would be at all romantic." Luna shrugged.

"Listen, I-I don't know how I feel about this." Tia sighed.

"Me neither." I uttered.

"We completely understand. Just do us a favor and think about it?"

I really believed that Celestia and I would talk and then quickly decide that we had to respectfully decline. But-

"You're actually okay with this?!"

To my surprise, she was actually considering it.

"I don't know, I'm......on the fence." she said. "I mean, when I think of you two together, it's really tough, but...I know how badly she wants a baby and she is my sister, and my best friend."

One thing you need to know:

Luna and I used to DATE. So, that just added to how uncomfortable this whole thing was.

"Yes, Dom, I know it's...weird, but you'd only be the donor, okay? Nitro would be the baby's father."

The fact that Celestia was willing to overlook the weirdness of the situations so that Luna could be a mom made me really proud of her. But she had one condition-

"But you do do it, you have to promise me that you won't enjoy it."

"You don't have to worry about that." I scoffed. "Half the fun of having sex with another lady is hiding it from your wife."

"Ha ha, very funny."

I didn't say anything to Tia, but I did worry that sleeping with her sister could cause some issues.

[DAY 1126]

"You got a HALL PASS?!"

"Dude, what are you talking about?"

The next night, I met my buddy, Kody, for drinks, and I told him the whole story.

"Your wife is actually going to allow you to have sex with another lady?" he gasped. "Her bucking SISTER on top of that! Do you know how HOT that is?!"

As you could see, he didn't really share my concerns.

"Hey, you're beginning to make it sound like a porno." I grunted. "It's not like that."

To him, it didn't just sound like a porno. It sounded like the world's 'Greatest porno'. If his wife gave him the same choice, he couldn't have said yes fast enough.

Which is probably why she left him.

"You gonna do it?" he asked.

"I-I guess so..."

"Maybe a threesome with Tia!"

"Dude, you are insane."

Listening to Kody's adolescent ramblings actually put me at ease. I mean, we were all adults. I convinced myself the whole thing would just be mechanical.

[DAY 1130]

A few days later, I went over to meet at Nitro's house to sleep with my wife's sister.

And, uh, even though I knew it was for a good cause...it was just IMPOSSIBLE to not be nervous.

"So where's Nitro?" I asked.

"He took off for a while." Luna stated. "Didn't think it was necessary......to be here."

It started off so so awkwardly. But Luna actually helped make the whole thing less uncomfortable.

"So, instead of just waiting for this to feel less......awkward, maybe we should just go upstairs and......get started?"

"You're right, you're right."

And, all of a sudden, it was go time.

It was the most nervous I had been about sex since, well, I lost my virginity. At first I was worried that I might not be able to.....RISE to the occasion. But, with seeing her flaunt her glittery, transparent night gown, that turned out not to be an issue.

"Don't worry." she whispered. "I'll do...all the work."

And then we had sex.

It was pretty clinical by-the-book stuff.

"OH DOM!"

That is, until.........she kissed me.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." she panted. "I-It's just a natural response. I'm not used to doing one without the other."

"I-It's okay, it's okay." I uttered.

It was unexpected, but.....under the circumstances, it seemed understandable.

I really thought nothing of it.

"So, how'd it go?" Tia asked me.

"It was, uh......it was okay? It was very clinical. It was like going to the doctor's office."

And I certainly wasn't gonna tell Celestia about it. All in all, I thought she handled the whole thing really well. Then, when it was time for bed-

"Good night, honey." I said.

"Oh, it will be." she purred, pulling over the sheets.

That night, Tia was absolutely insatiable. I remember thinking she must be jealous and wants to show me who's #1. But for a guy like me, I just had quite a day.

[DAY 1138]

About a week later, Luna came. The plan...didn't work. And it looked like we need to take another crack at it.

"It doesn't always happen the first time." Tia shrugged.

"And you're okay with me doing this?" I asked.

"I don't love the idea, but, I mean, I think it would even feel weirder if you didn't, because then you just would have had sex with my sister for no reason."

I was kind of amazed. I mean, Tia seemed to have this totally selfless desire to help her friend.

[DAY 1159]

A few weeks later, it was time for round two.

"So.....should we just get started?" Luna said.

I was a little less nervous this time, but Luna was WAY less nervous.

"COME ON, BIG BOY! YEAH! DO ME HARDER! OH, BUCK YES!!!"

It freaked me out. I was feeling so guilty, and at the same time, I was feeling so....turned on.

"BUCK ME TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOON!!!"

Afterwards, I went to the bathroom. I needed a moment. Then, as I was snooping around for some mouthwash, I found something.

Something odd.

I found birth control pills under her sink.

"Please tell me you're not using these." I said nervously.

"Relax, those are old." Luna chuckled. "We didn't always know Nitro couldn't.....you know."

"Oh, yeah. You're right, I'm sorry."

It seemed like a reasonable explanation to me. But not everyone felt the same way.

"They've got YOU in the middle of some weird, twisted sex game they're having!" Kody cackles.

When I told Kody about the birth control pills, he thought the whole 'Nitro being sterile' thing was total bullshit.

"I'm telling you, Dom, he's getting off on the idea of you having sex with his wife!"

"Now that's insane." I said. "That makes no sense."

"No, it's not. The next time you're with Luna, have a look around the room. I bet you'll find something that proves I'm right."

The more I thought about it, the more I considered it. Could Tia and I be unwitting pawns in Nitro and Luna's deviant sex game?

As it turned out, there was a next time. Luna didn't get pregnant.

Again.

[DAY 1189]

Four weeks later, it was time for round THREE.

I still had Kody's theory in my head, so if something fishy was going on, I was gonna find some evidence.

"So, here we are again." Luna giggles. "Ready?"

"Yeah." I said.

I had a little time while Luna.....got ready. So I looked for cameras, or recording devices. I even checked the closet for Nitro. I didn't find anything suspicious and felt like an idiot for even listening to Kody. But, once we got started, something.....strange happened. As I was lying there while Luna was riding me like there was no tomorrow, taking my length in like a pro, I heard what sounded like a little moan somewhere nearby.

"What the hell was that?" I asked.

"Nothing." Luna pants. "That was me."

"No, it wasn't."

"Dom, wait!"

Then it hit me. The sound was coming from the bathroom. The one place I hadn't checked. There, the first thing I checked was the shower curtain and I couldn't believe what I saw.

"H-Hi." Tia uttered. "Don't be mad."

"Oh, Nitro's not gonna be happy." Luna whined.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I yelled.

"I can explain. One night, Luna and I were having some wine, then, after a few glasses, Luna admitted that she'd always found you attractive and then after a few more glasses, I admitted that I'd always had this fantasy of seeing you with another mare, and...."

And that's when they came up with the the most twisted sex game I've ever heard of:

"Technically, I'm considered.....sterile."

That much was true. They really couldn't have kids. But Luna didn't actually WANT kids. She just told Nitro that she did. She had been taking birth control the whole time. Poor Nitro had no idea what was going on and they used his condition to help play out her and Celestia's fantasy.

Hence the wild sex we were having at home.

Celestia would come over to Nitro and Luna's before me and then hide in the bathroom until the lights went out.

"How could you do this to me?" I hissed. "And to Nitro!"

"I know, and we're horrible. I realize that now." Luna whined.

"We are SO sorry, honestly." Tia sighed. But know that we're all here..."

"Are you SERIOUS?!"

I grabbed my clothes and stormed right outta there.

I know, I know. My friends still give me crap about it...

But it was just too weird.

Dominic and Nitro move to Baltimare, where Nitro met his new wife.

Luna slept with Celestia's next coltfriend, too...

They haven't talked since.

Author's Note

First time ever, three OC's in one chapter and the first mature story I've ever written. And possibly the ONLY mature story.

Roles:
Dominic - ChromeShield

Nitro - XxNitroShakexX

Kody - Kody The Ultimate Brony.