Never Talk To Ponies

by PRlNCESS CADENCE

Rating: teen
Tags: Horror, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3157

Susan thought that ponies were like what she saw in cartoons. She was wrong.

Susan was as happygolucky as a little girl could be, but sadly for her, "was" is the keyword here.

She had friends, she played pretend, she was always nice to everybody, and most importantly, she absolutely loved the My Little Pony franchise. Whenever she went over to a friend's house, they would spend the whole time playing with toy horses, pretending they were pegasi flying through the sky, making stories about how Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy first became friends, and sometimes even wishing that they could live in Equestria. At the very least, she wished that she could just meet them, to get to know them and ask them what being a pony really felt like.

Then, one day, she was given a gift that nobody should ever have to deal with. Soon, Susan would truly realize that sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Commission for /b/.

Published 2020-02-15 17:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-15 17:40:02 UTC

Never Talk To Ponies

“Whoosh! Vrrrrmmm kssshhhh!”

“Susaaannn,” a soft voice rang as the door to the little girl’s room opened up. “You should come out, sweetie. The guests will be here soon.”

“OK!”

Even though Susan was having fun playing with her new toy, the new Twilight Sparkle Magical Kingdom toy by Hasbro®, she knew never to talk back to her mother. She was always the perfect little girl, which was exactly why for her sixth birthday, she was going to have the best day ever.

From the moment she woke up, she saw presents all aligned across the floor of her room, wrapped in My Little Pony wrapping paper with doting parents above her, ready to wish her a happy birthday as soon as she opened her eyes. Of course, she received the exact presents that she wanted: a Rainbow Dash doll, Fluttershy pajamas, a realistic baby Flurry Heart that cried and giggled like a real foal, and most importantly, the Magical Kingdom toy set that she’d been waiting six whole months for. Then, to top it all off, she was going to have a birthday party that was entirely My Little Pony themed, with party hats and streamers, just like the kind Pinkie Pie would throw.

To say that Susan had an obsession was harsh, but not entirely inaccurate. She not only loved My Little Pony; she lived for it. Sure, she had other interests like swimming, playing soccer and having tea parties, but at the end of the day, she always looked forward to getting out her pony toys and reliving her favorite episodes. In fact, the biggest problem in her life was probably just trying to figure out which pony was her favorite.

“I like Fluttershy,” she explained to her friend Emily, the first of her guests to arrive, “but I also think Pinkie Pie is reeeeally funny! Oh! And Rarity is so pretty! I wanna be just like her when I grow up!”

“Applejack is my favorite!” Emily replied, to which Susan smiled happily.

“Did you know that she and Pinkie Pie are related?”

“No they’re not!”

“Yuh-huh! I saw the episode where Pinkie Pie finds out she’s Applejack’s long lost sister!”

Before she could get into a fight with her party guests, however, her father came over and brought over the first party game to get them started: pin the tail on the pony. One by one, he blindfolded the girls and spun them around almost as soon as they walked through the door, giving them just enough guidance to keep them from accidentally poking another child. Oh, and the pony that they were trying to pin? Princess Celestia, just because Susan thought she had the most beautiful tail in all of Equestria.

The party continued like that for three whole hours, filled with fun, laughs, and dancing to classic songs like “Shake Your Tail” and, of course, “Make A Wish! It’s Your Birthday!” Then, to top the night off with the perfect cherry on top, Susan was given a birthday cake with all of the Mane 6 on the front, each one representing a year that Susan had been alive. She had probably never been so happy in her whole life, but still probably not as happy as her mom, who was trying to hide the fact that she was crying behind her camcorder as everyone sang the happy birthday song.

Then, when it came time to blow out the candles, her mother said, “Make a wish, sweetie!”

She didn’t even need to think twice about what she wanted. ‘I wish I could talk to ponies!’ she said in her head, making sure she didn’t accidentally tell any of her friends and ruin her wish. ‘Then I could have my own adventures with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie!’ Finally, she blew out all six candles in one breath, and a large smile grew on her face. ‘That means my wish came true! I can really talk to ponies now!’

Even though she believed with all her might, there was still a little piece of her in the back of her mind which made her think that this was all just wishful thinking, like there was no way that wishes really came true that easily. Fortunately for her, though, her wish really had come true. By blowing out those six candles on her sixth birthday, she suddenly gained the ability to talk to ponies.

The only problem, though, would come soon after…

Susan’s family was lucky enough to live close to the county fair, a place where every year, they’d have deep fried bananas, carnival games, and most importantly, pony rides. It was a longstanding tradition that the Saturday after her birthday was always the day to go out for a fun family outing, especially since this meant that the parents could get all of their expenses taken care of in the span of one week.

The minute Susan’s family got there, she was practically begging to see the ponies first, which her parents had probably already foreseen before they even got there. Of course, they relented, wasting zero time in bringing their little girl to see a horizontal wheel in the center of the fair where miniature horses were walking in a circle, carrying children around her age and size on their backs. Her eyes were practically glowing in excitement, bouncing on the tips of her toes as she eagerly awaited her turn.

“And just what your name be, little girl?” asked a mustached man who looked similar to Flam from her favorite cartoon.

“Susan,” she replied bashfully, grabbing onto her mom’s pantleg and hiding herself just enough to where he couldn’t see her blushing.

“Well, Susan! Are you ready to strap on your saddle and take a little trip around on your very own pony?”

Again, Susan gripped harder onto her mother’s leg, but she couldn’t let her timidity cost her the opportunity she had been waiting for her whole life. Silently, she nodded her head, followed by a hearty chuckle from the mustached man. “You heard her, Enrique! Let’s get her saddled up!”

In the next moment, a teenage assistant grabbed little Susan underneath her armpits and gently lifted her into the air, setting her slowly down onto a pony’s back. She was so mystified. She had spent so long dreaming about this moment. She was so enamored by the pony’s beautiful brown coat and silky mane that she didn’t even feel Enrique strapping her legs and waist down safely to the equine’s back.

“Alright, little Susan!” the man said, pushing the pony forward. “Have a good ride!”

The pony was already moving! Shoot! After all this time waiting for this exact moment, she now had no idea what she was supposed to even say to it! She had one lap around the circle, two tops before the ride was over and her opportunity was gone! She had to say something, anything! She really wanted her first memory to be one worth remembering, but at this point, she would just have to say the first thing that came to her mind!

“Hi, my little pony!” she said softly. “I’m gonna call you Rainbow Dash!”

“Actually, my name is Seabiscuit, but my father named me years before Tobey Maguire made a mockery out of my race’s heritage.”

He talked! He really talked! He really… what?

“Huh? Aren’t you surprised that you can hear me talk, Seedbooger?”

“I’ve known for years that humans could really speak to horses all along and were really just speaking some foreign language due to a conspiracy to keep us in the dark, and if you’re going to mispronounce my name, you can just call me Carl so it’s easier for your degenerate brain to understand.”

“...Carl?”

“Not to be mistaken for the founder of communism, otherwise known as neoliberalism. Can you believe democrats these days? Why does an equine have to be their political symbol? It’s not like we don’t see right through their Marxist propaganda! Give me a break.”

“...Umm… Carl?”

“Look, just hear me out! Whether or not you believe Hillary Clinton was behind nine eleven, you can’t deny that she didn’t do anything to prevent it.”

Susan looked up from her horse towards her parents, who were both giving her a wide smile with a thumbs up. Was she really the only one who could hear this? It sounded like her pony was speaking in english, but she couldn’t figure out for the life of her what he was saying other than that his name was Carl. Was he playing some kind of joke on her? Was her wish having some kind of malfunction?

“Can we talk about something else, please?” she asked quietly, trying to keep her parents from hearing.

“You snowflakes are so weak that any time someone calls you out on your hypocrisy, you change the subject! Newsflash, little girl, facts don’t care about your feelings!”

This couldn’t be happening. She was supposed to be having fun! Why was her pony being so mean to her?

On the verge of tears, the little girl silently said, “My name is Susan.”

“Oh, so your parents decided to name you after Susan B. Anthony? You know, feminism is another byproduct of zionist disinformation being projected by the mainstream media. Of course, you wouldn’t know that, since elementary schools are basically just farms for leftist indoctrination anyway. What classes are they having you take these days? Art history? Gender studies?”

“Please, Carl…” This time, she really was crying. “I just wanted to talk about My Little Pony.”

“King of the Hill is a far superior animated television show, especially since it’s told from the perspective of a conservative family man who values hard work, unlike those entitled lobbyists whose sole purpose is to destroy the middle class.”

All of a sudden, Susan was bawling her eyes out, wailing at a loud volume that caused her parents to rush to her side, grabbing onto her hips as Enrique rushed to detach all of the safety devices. “What’s wrong, honey?” her mother asked with concern all over her face. “Was it going too fast for you?”

“Do you think she might be afraid of heights?” her father added, but Susan just shook her head. “Honey, what’s the matter?”

What was she even supposed to say? She couldn’t very well let her parents know that she could speak to ponies, but how was she going to explain what caused her to break down in the middle of public like that? She’d never told a lie before… Would it be so bad if she just did this one time?

“I…” she mumbled between sniffles. “I twisted my foot.”

The concerned parents’ faces then quickly shifted into expressions of empathy and care as the two of them sighed in relief. She couldn’t believe she just did that. She couldn’t believe that she had actually lied to them, but at the same time, it looked like they were both happy that she hadn’t told them the truth. Not only that, but now they were pulling her off of the pony entirely, placing her piggyback onto the father’s shoulders. Even though her conscience was griping at her for fibbing to the two people she loved more than anyone, she was just happy that she didn’t have to hear Carl’s voice anymore.

“C’mon,” her father said joyfully. “Let’s go get you some cotton candy.”

Susan sighed a breath of relief for herself as she and her family walked away from the estranged equine, but looking back one last time, she saw Carl looking into her eyes with an expression she’d never forget.

“Red wave, Susan,” she heard him say as she was carried away. “Come the next election cycle, you’ll see just how powerful the silent majority is.”

The Next Day…

Susan woke up that sunday morning in her new Fluttershy pajamas, stretching her tired limbs as the sun crept its way further into her room. Since she had no school that morning, literally the entire day was hers to do whatever she wanted!

Without skipping a beat, she pulled the covers off of her legs and jumped onto the floor, pulling out her Twilight Sparkle Magical Kingdom toy set and arranging the pieces exactly where she wanted them. She tried to block out the memory of the day before as she looked at each of the pony figures, but fortunately, her imagination and optimism were much stronger than any bad memory. In fact, within seconds, she was completely immersed in a world of friendship and rainbows, creating a new story where Scootaloo had learned how to fly when suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

Turning her head, she saw her parents standing in the doorway, both of them smiling down at their little angel. “Honey?” her mother said. “Why don’t you come downstairs with us? There’s something we want to show you.”

Susan raised an eyebrow in curiosity, but without making her parents wait, she pulled herself off of the floor and followed behind them down the stairs. Once she reached the bottom of the steps, however, she noticed that the front door was open, something that her parents would never let happen as just some kind of accident. What did they want to show her? She wasn’t in trouble for something, was she?

Finally, after her parents had walked outside in front of her, the little girl joined them in the sunlight, just to see an image that made her believe that she was still inside a nightmare.

“No…”

“Tadaaaaah!” her parents exclaimed, extending their arms towards the surprise like some kind of game show host. The only problem, though, was that this wasn’t some kind of fabulous prize. This was an image of pure terror wrapped up in a husk of fur, and it looked ready for her. Even though she was trembling, the organism in front of her appeared as if it had been waiting for her, counting down the seconds until they would finally meet again.

“Why…?” Susan mumbled. “Why is he here?!”

“Oh, we felt so bad that your foot didn’t let you finish your ride yesterday,” her mother said with glee. “So we talked to the owner, and he let us rent out Seabiscuit for the day!”

Her body froze, even though the ends of her skin were shivering like a tremor. What could she do now? She wanted to tell her parents to get rid of him, to get him out of her sight, but there was no way she could do that. Her parents must have gone so far out of their way to get this pony over to the house, and even though she felt nothing but sheer horror, she couldn’t tell them how badly she wanted to get out of there.

Just then, however, her father grabbed her by under the armpits and lifted her up. “Alley-oop!” he said, placing her on top of the pony’s back, making her inadvertently shriek in fear. “Oh, don’t worry, honey! We’ll make sure you don’t get hurt this time.”

“Leave it to a libtard family to shelter their children from getting their feelings hurt. Enjoying your safety bubble, Susan?”

It was already happening! She had to get off!

Susan immediately started kicking her feet, struggling to pull herself away, but the more she pushed, the harder her father kept her in place. “Hang on, sport! You keep moving like that and you’ll end up falling off.”

“What else are they protecting you from? Have they not pointed out that you’re a little pudgy? Do they tell you that you’re healthy at every size, or do you put mayonnaise on your genetics?”

“Get me off!”

“Look, I’m only telling you this because I want to help you. Fat shaming is really just a way to inspire people to lose weight.”

Susan’s parents couldn’t understand why their daughter--who up to this point had loved everything even closely resembling ponies--was so adamant about getting away. Just as soon as Susan slipped out of her father’s grip, though, he grabbed her by the waist and forced her down, looking sternly into Susan’s eyes as he quietly said, “Listen, Susan. Your mother and I went through a lot of hoops to get this pony over here, so the least you could do is cooperate.”

Susan wanted to cry, but seeing her father’s scowl kept her emotions to a slight sniffle and a single tear dripping down her cheek. She didn’t want to go through with this, but she nodded her head regardless. By this point, though, she didn’t care about whether she got down or not. The only thing she wanted was another birthday cake, just so she could wish her powers away and never have to hear another pony talk ever again.

“Level with me, Susan,” Carl began, making her heart sink to the pit of her stomach again. “Have you at least listened to the Alex Jones podcast? He’s got some pretty interesting points once you really sit down and think about it.”

“Please, Carl…” she said, wrapping her arms around the horse’s neck, burying her face into his mane. “Please… Just stop talking.”

“I mean, honestly, do you really think that one bullet pierced through JFK’s body at three different angles? I’m sorry, but it just seems to me like a ploy to take our guns away from us.”

“Carl!”

Suddenly everyone jerked their heads back in shock as the normally quiet little girl shouted at a volume that none of them had ever heard before.

“You can’t shoot guns! You’re a pony! I don’t know who Hillary Clinton is, I don’t know what zionism means, and I’m not pudgy! Will you please just… SHUT UP?!”

Again, everyone remained in total silence, staring in disbelief at what they’d just heard. Her parents must have been in complete bewilderment, and now Susan was left trying to figure out how she would explain this to them. Should she just tell them that she could talk to ponies and get it over with?

...No…

“Mom, dad,” she began, staring at the two of them with a trembling lower lip. “I want to get down now.”

Finally, her parents listened to her request, pulling her down as her father began to lead the pony away. She may have upset them, but now she could finally be rid of Carl and his commentary once and for all. She then turned her body towards the door and started walking back inside, grabbing her mother by the hand as she led her away, but right when she thought she’d never hear that stupid horse say another word for as long as she lived, he yelled one more phrase that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, Susan!”