A Hooffull Of Bits

by Autumnblazelover61

Rating: teen
Tags: Filthy Rich, Profanity, Scootaloo, Random, Diamond Tiara, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Sex
Length: 2549

Diamond Tiara is sick of her father's bragging about his wealth and decides to do something about it.

Filthy Rich won’t stop bragging about how he’s bought out practically every business in Ponyville, and even Diamond Tiara is becoming annoyed. The spoiled filly wishes she could do something to keep her family from giving itself a bad name. The good news is, she comes up with the perfect plan. The bad news is, she'll need the Cutie Mark Crusaders help.

And even the most brilliant of plans have a bad way of backfiring.

(Title is a reference to the movie A Fistful Of Dollars)

Published 2020-02-16 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-18 01:43:33 UTC

All The Bits In The World

"Ah, another successful business brought to its knees by ol' Rich's Barnyard Bargains! Life is good!" Filthy Rich said with a smirk as he walked away from the town's ice cream store.

It was another lovely sunny day in Ponyville, and the wealthy tycoon pony was, as usual, spending it going around and buying out whatever well-maintained businesses caught his greedy eye. It was a weekend morning, and he had dragged his daughter Diamond Tiara out of bed to come with him. She was, of course, growing annoyed by her father constantly going around town and showing off his money to everypony. She just wanted to be like a regular young pony- playing in the grass, blowing bubbles, hell, even stealing pies from windowsills or something, but her mother Spoiled Rich was constantly pushing her to act like the rest of the Rich family and showboat her money to everypony she saw. Still, she just wanted out of it.

"Father, do we really have to do this EVERY weekend? A filly like me needs her beauty sleep!" She whined, adjusting the crown on her head. "Now now, Diamond Tiara, you know better than to question your elders. Besides, Sweet Apple Acres had a slow zap-apple season this year, and I fully intend on getting back all that zap-apple money. Anyways, whenever they add a new ice cream flavour to their menu, YOU get to taste test it, doesn’t that sound great?”

"Blech!" Diamond Tiara said with disgust. "I can’t stand that stuff..."

While the young filly had reformed years ago from being a schoolyard bully, she still had the annoyingly important reputation of her family to uphold. Even so, she hated having to walk around town with her father every day, looking like a princess and earning looks of disgust from the other ponies, especially her classmates.

"Now we’ve just got one more stop to make before heading home, sweetheart." Filthy Rich said, looking stern as they marched towards Rarity's house, which just so happened to be the most famous clothing store in Ponyville. Diamond Tiara sighed. For once it was HER that wished she wouldn’t be spotted by anypony she knew.

"Oh, hello, Filthy Rich." Rarity greeted the pair as they entered the store, with the bell ringing sharply above their heads. "My word, you’re looking very sharp today. Did you get a new kind of shampoo? Your hair is so-"

"Enough with the compliments, Miss Rarity. I’m a very busy stallion, and if I’m to keep galavanting around town making money like this, I’ll need some new clothes. So here’s the deal: I want you to make 30 extra copies of every new dress you make: 10 for me, 10 for Spoiled, and 10 for my little angel." He patted Diamond Tiara on the head and she huffed angrily as he did. "Just in case we happen to be invited to another gala. And I’ll make sure you get all the extra thread you need to keep

"Oh my word. I-I'm sorry, Filthy, but 30 copies is a LOT. And I’ve learned a thing or two about over-doing it with dresses..." Rarity started, but Rich raised a hoof to silence her. "Now Rarity, you have your business and I’ve got mine, and if you try to turn down a deal with old Filthy Rich, maybe I’ll just have the Carousel Boutique shut down, COMPLETELY!"

Rarity gasped in horror. Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes and stepped away. She didn’t need to hear all this. She just wanted to go home before-

"Uh, Diamond Tiara?" She looked up and saw Sweetie Belle coming down the stairs. Oh, great she thought. "What are you doing here?" The grey filly asked. "Oh, you know, just business, as usual." Diamond Tiara said, gesturing towards her father who was droning on and on about getting Rarity's entire fashion line cancelled if she didn’t do what he asked. Sweetie Belle sighed. "I know, I know. It’s not your fault. You’re just doing what your dad tells you to do."

Diamond Tiara raised her head to glare at Sweetie Belle. "'What he TELLS me to do'? What do you take me for, some kind of corporate puppet? At least I don’t get bossed around by my big spectacular sister all the time!" Sweetie Belle cocked an eyebrow. "Seriously?" she said simply. ”I’m just saying, it’s not like I don’t ENJOY being the heir to a big snooty stallion with all the bits in Equestria. Why, all you’ll get when you grow up is a bunch of CLOTHES, you blank flank!" She could feel tears springing to her eyes as Sweetie Belle nonchalantly turned around to remind her she had gotten her cutie mark a long time ago.

Diamond Tiara couldn’t think of a good comeback to that, so she just stomped her hoof in annoyance and ran out of the store. Filthy Rich saw her go and gave Rarity one last demand before marching out the door.

The young filly ran all the way from the boutique to her home, where she threw herself onto her her bed and started crying. Spoiled Rich watched from the doorway and scoffed as her husband came in.

"That filly just doesn’t understand how LUCKY she is to be in a family with such a rich history... literally!" Filthy nodded. "I know. She doesn’t have the HONOUR of being in a nice, wealthy family. Who would’ve thought she’d turn into such an unordinary filly... even befriending those BLANK FLANKS. Come on, let’s go somewhere else before we get infected..."

Diamond Tiara felt her cheeks start to burn as her parents walked off to their bedroom, probably to have sex on their bed of money. "They aren’t blank flanks anymore, you asshole..." She muttered. She spent the rest of the day in her bedroom, not even leaving to enjoy her usual five-star supper. By bedtime she was feeling immensely tired, despite her belly starting to growl up at her angrily, like she hadn’t eaten in days. Her parents sensed that she was in one of her moods and left her alone without even bringing her a single crouton.

I just wish my family wasn’t so stuck-up. I just want to be normal. I just wish all this money would go away somehow...

Then she sat up as she suddenly got an idea. A lightbulb immediately appeared over her head (well, actually, for the Rich family it was a disco ball). "What if all that money were to DISAPPEAR?" She thought with a smirk. She picked up an edition of the Foals Free Press sitting on her nightstand and looked at an ad for a new toy store in Canterlot.

"I HAVE always wanted my own dollhouse..." She chuckled wickedly.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading!

Chapter title is a reference to the movie All The Money In The World.

The line about having sex on a pile of money is a reference to The Woof Of Wall Street.

Equestrian Psycho

"Alright, class, enough chit-chat. I know we all had a good weekend, but now let’s get out our books and get started with today’s lesson." Miss Cheerilee spoke to the class. It was a regular old Monday morning in Ponyville, and most of the little colts and fillies wished they could be at home instead of at school. Well, except one of them, who was in her usual seat in the second desk row.

Diamond Tiara wanted to be ANYWHERE but home right now. Ever since Filthy Rich had made the deal with Rarity, she wanted to stay out as much as possible so she wouldn’t risk getting in his way. In fact, she had already made plans to go to the bowling alley with Twist after school.

As with most of her family issues, and with a little reminder from Spoiled Rich that morning before she left the house, Diamond Tiara was keeping her lips shut about it, even to her best friend Silver Spoon. Of course, everyone knew about the extra work Filthy had given Rarity, and were shooting the Spoiled filly looks from all across the room, especially Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo.

So, as the purple mare drew on the chalkboard and talked on and on about the weather factory in Cloudsdale, Diamond Tiara began daydreaming about her wonderful plan: to spend all of her father's money when he wasn’t looking. She had written up a lost on all the things she wanted most but was never allowed to have. She was right in the middle of a dream about swimming in a giant pool of chocolate sauce when she was interrupted by a friendly tap on the shoulder. She looked over and saw Scootaloo looking at her with concern.

"Ugh, what do you want?" Diamond asked impatiently. "Uh, I sorta need to talk to you outside, Ti, if it’s okay." She gestured towards Miss Cheerilee, who was impatiently tapping her front hoof. "Oh, fine. But it better be quick.” She went with Scootaloo outside the door, muttering to her "And don’t call me 'Ti', you cripple..."

When they were outside, Diamond Tiara looked at Scootaloo, annoyed that she was being kept from thinking about her plan. "What is it, Scootaloo? Don’t tell me you just want to have another chat about the Wonderbolts." Scootaloo shrugged shyly. "Well, if I’m being honest, I just REALLY don’t want to be in the room while Cheerilee talks about where the rainbows in the factory are made."

"Whatever. Can I just get back to my daydreams about things that YOU could never afford?" Diamond Tiara growled. Scootaloo rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I kinda know about all that. It’s sort of a gut feeling... and because you were kind of mumbling back there."

Diamond Tiara looked embarrassed. "Well, it’s none of your business! And anyways, I’m just a filly using her imagination with what she HAS! What’s wrong with that?" Scootaloo reaches over and placed a comforting hoof on her friends shoulder. "Hey, it’s okay to talk about this kind of stuff, you-."

"What kind of stuff?" Apple Bloom asked, as she came around to the side of the building where they were. It was recess now, and the kids were pouring out of the building to get to their favourite playground equipment first. The country filly had decided to investigate what the hell the two were talking about back there. Sweetie Belle was with her as well.

"Hey, what is this, Everybody Pay Attention To Diamond Tiara Day?" She huffed angrily.

"No, actually, you made that the last Wednesday of the month, remember?" Sweetie Belle reminded her.

"Oh, right.” Diamond Tiara said, and sighed. "You three obviously know about what my father is doing to Rarity. I’m just starting to think he’s getting annoying."

"I know. Rarity was up both nights over the weekend. She hasn’t sewn that much since the Friendship Festival. She can’t handle that kind of extra work. He’s just such an asshole!" Sweetie Belle commented, and she gasped and quickly clamped a hoof over her mouth. "Ooh, sorry! I’d probably get grounded for saying something so un-ladylike." Diamond Tiara shook her head. "No, no, it’s fine. He deserves it."

"Yeah. He was the one who made Applejack tell all those lies when she was a youngin' and put the whole family in the hospital." Apple Bloom muttered. "Trust me, it’s a long story."

"Thant’s nothing! Rainbow Dash says he’s always in Spitfire's office, making deals with her, and they’re never good." Scootaloo said. " Like this one time, they lost all their smoke bombs to him and had to improvise with shampoo. On the bright side, nopony in the audience needed a bath for a week."

Diamond Tiara was just about to ask the CMC's for help, but she caught herself. Am I really going to ask these losers for help? They might screw up and I’d probably get grounded and beaten. Maybe my allowance would get cut in half. I can’t get by on just one thousand bits a week! Then she remembered what was in the line if she allowed this to keep going, and took a deep breath. "Alright, you morons. Listen up..."

Diamond Tiara told the fillies all about her secret plan to spend her father's money so he wouldn’t be able to boss around any more ponies. She expected them to laugh in her face, but instead they surprised her. "Hey, that sounds like a great idea!" Scootaloo said, fluttering her wings excitedly. "Yeah. We could give that gosh-darn bully what he deserves. 'Sides, it could help benefit the farm. Granny Smith could use one of those electric massage chairs for her achin' back."

Diamond Tiara laughed, and then lowered her voice to a whisper. "Okay, but we have to be sneaky about it. Don’t go boasting about to your sisters or Princess Twilight." The three nodded and began crossing their hooves across their chests. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye..." They chanted, and they all began laughing as the bell rang.

After school let out, the four trotted quickly to the Rich family mansion. "Mother and Father shouldn't be home right now." Diamond said. "Yeah, they’re probably out yelling at Rarity." Sweetie Belle seethed gritting her teeth. "'Oh Rarity, this is all wrong. I said seven gazillion GREEN diamonds on this dress, not 8 million red ones! How else am I to wear a dress that reflects my personality?'" Apple Bloom said, doing her best attempt at mimicking Spoiled Rich to lighten the mood, which worked as Sweetie Belle let out a soft giggle.

They slowly made their way up to the master bedroom. "Woah!” The Crusaders gawked at how stupendously amazing the room was. The bed was made entirely out of gold, with a jewel-embedded mattress and pillows as bright as diamonds themselves. Above the bed hung multiple pictures of Filthy and Spoiled playing golf with the Duke and Duchess of Maretonia. The rest of the room was quite hard to make out, as almost every square inch of the floor was taken up by large piles of bits, one heap of which was covered in a sticky white substance. "Careful. That’s the one they have sex on." Diamond Tiara nonchalantly warned.

"Oookay. So besides that, this place is amazing!" Sweetie Belle said, wondering if she was even worthy of stepping inside the room. "And I’ve been in Canterlot Castle!"

Sweetie reached for a single bit, but her hoof was swatted away by Scootaloo. "This place isn’t amazing, it’s awful!" She pointed at a large painting of Filthy Rich shaking hooves with the delegates from Saddle Arabia. "Because HE sleeps in here! Amongst all this money. This rich... yellow... endless money..." She started to zone out but shook her head quickly to bring herself back. "So, what now?"

"Now," Diamond Tiara said as she grabbed a large pile of bits in her arms and looked at her smiling reflection in them. "Lets go shopping."

Author's Note

Thanks for reading!

Title is a reference to American Psycho.

And yes, Scootaloo's comment about the factory is a Rainbow Factory reference. Hehe😜