Pinkie Pie for President

by Dreadnought

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 3678

Pinkie Pie tries to be a dark horse candidate.

Pinkie Pie stuns everypony by running for President. What could go wrong? Well, everything. This is Pinkie Pie we are talking about.

Published 2020-02-18 06:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-30 03:17:08 UTC

The Announcement

The snow crunched under her hooves as Princess Twilight Sparkle trotted towards the town square of Ponyville. Despite the days becoming longer, it was still a brisk winter day. Each exhale created a momentary white fog before fading away. Each inhale filled her lungs with freezing air that stung her insides. And even with a heavy scarf and thick woolen hat, she could still feel the cold seeping through her coat and saturating her hide. She eagerly looked forward to going indoors and warming herself beside a roaring fire, preferably with a mug of hot chocolate or spiced cider in one hoof and an exciting book in the other.

But Twilight Sparkle was not alone in braving the wintry weather. Dozens of other ponies filled the scene, all hurrying towards the center of town. A few pegasi flew overhead, somehow immune to – or oblivious of – the freezing cold. Most townsfolk, being earth ponies or unicorns, trotted down the snow-laden street. A few fillies and colts darted about, playing impromptu games of tag, causing more than a few of the adults to nearly trip.

The town hadn’t seen this this many ponies out since the festivities leading up to Hearth’s Warming a few weeks earlier. And, Twilight suspected, there wouldn’t be this many until the Winter Wrap Up events in a few weeks’ time. Whatever was coming, it had piqued enough curiosity of the town’s residents to lure them out of their warm homes into this this biting cold.

Twilight scanned the masses, looking for a familiar pony. Of course, being the Princess of Friendship meant she knew almost everyone and counted them as friends or neighbors, or at the very least acquaintances. But she was particularly looking for one of her closest friends to chat with. She inspected the pegasi above but found neither a yellow nor sky blue pegasus. Not even a fading rainbow streak could be seen. She searched the ponies in the street. She kept expecting to see a conspicuous white fur hat with glistening gems atop the head of the town’s fashionista, but sadly she came up empty. Continuing to search, she finally spied a familiar brown Stetson hat up ahead among the colorful sea of knit caps. Hurriedly she made her way over to her friend.

“Applejack!” she called as she slowly navigated the massive crowd of ponies.

“Twilight Sparkle, how’re y’all on this fine day?” returned her friend, working her way against the current of ponies headed downtown.

Upon reaching the orange earth pony, Twilight stated flatly, “Cold!” She ruffled her wings and pulled her had down further on her head to emphasize the point.

“Well, it is winter ya know.”

“Yes,” Twilight conceded. Observing her friend, she asked, “How come you aren’t so cold?”

Applejack chortled, “Ah’m an earth pony. We’re made to be outside working, no matter the weather. Not like them unicorns – err – no offense.”

Twilight smiled, “None taken. And to be honest, I don’t think I prepared myself enough for the cold. As a filly, I always spent the winter inside curled up with a good book. Though now that I think about it, I also spent my summers inside reading books. And every spring and autumn.”

“No surprise there,” Applejack laughed. “If’n y’all are really cold, I reckon Rarity could outfit ya with a heavy coat an’ some fancy boots.”

“Maybe I’ll have to take her up on that,” Twilight sighed. “Still, I wish Pinkie Pie had held this event indoors or waited until after Winter Wrap Up. Do you have any idea what this is all about?”

Applejack shook her head. “Nnope. But Ah do know my Pinkie Sense is going off.”

Twilight eyed her suspiciously. “Your Pinkie Sense? Don’t you mean your Apple Sense?”

“Nnope, it’s Pinkie Sense. Every time Pinkie says she has some big announcement, Ah get the sense it’s gonna cause me some heartburn.”

Twilight nodded, “I know what you mean. Whatever it is, it’s enough to drag everypony from their home in the middle of winter.”

The two neared town hall only to be shocked at how packed the town square had become. It seemed as if the entire town had come out for the event. The square was quickly nearing capacity with perhaps hundreds of ponies in attendance, far more than town hall could have held. At the surrounding buildings, every balcony held groups of spectators and even several roofs hosted a few onlookers. Overhead pegasi flew, making wide lazy circles while waiting for things to start. Still the masses continued to push forward, cramming every available space. Twilight wasn’t sure if it was to get closer to the stage so that they could better hear the announcement, or so that they could share body heat and fight off the cold together. The whole scene was enough to give any public safety officer a nightmare.

“Lookie there,” said Applejack, managing to get a hoof up and point off to the side. “That’s Buried Lede, the pony who interviewed us about Rarity’s store in Manehattan.”

“And there’s Byline from the Canterlot Chronicle and Front Page from the Baltimare Sun. Every major newspaper in Equestria has a reporter here.”

“Not just Equestria. There’s a hippogriff, a griffon, an’ is that a Saddle Arabian?”

“I don’t know what it is, but whatever Pinkie has planned is going to be big,” admitted Twilight. “I think I have a headache coming on.”

“Now it sounds like you’re getting a Pinkie Sense.”

Twilight glared at Applejack, who looked away and whistled innocently.

“Your attention please!” came a voice from the stage. Mayor Mare had taken her place at the podium. “It is so good to see everypony –” she glanced at some of the foreign journalists “– every creature, is here. Before we hear from Pinkie Pie, I’d like to take a moment and say a few words about our speaker. As you all know, she is one of the Elements of Harmony. She has worked to keep Equestria safe these past few years. Events that would have made others cower in fear, from the threat of Nightmare Moon to the chaos of Discord to the havoc of Tirek and the tyranny of the Storm King, Pinkie Pie has never lost faith and has stepped forward to fight for a safe and peaceful Equestria. But more than that, even before she was the Element of Laughter, she worked to ensure the happiness of everypony in town. I don’t know what Ponyville would do without her. She truly is a national treasure. Now, without further ado, I give you Pinkie Pie.”

A wave of hoof stomps echoed throughout the town square, dampened only by the packed snow. Still this was more than made up by the loud cheers and hoots of encouragement from the crowd. Mayor Mare stepped aside and a pink pony gleefully bounced across the stage and took the podium.

“Hello everypony!” she cheered.

“Hi Pinkie Pie!” many townsfolk echoed back.

“I’m super doper mega ultra hyper excited you all came out to hear my big announcement. I want to tell you – oops, I forgot I have a speech written for me.” She giggled as she reached into her big puffy mane and retrieved a series of notecards. “Ahem. These are the best of times. The economy is booming. Stocks are at record highs. Businesses are raking in bits. Unemployment is at a record low. Technology is progressing rapidly. But this is also the worst of times.”

A sudden sense of foreboding hit Twilight and she ruffled her wings nervously.

“Not everyone is having a good time. Some are very sad. There are a lot of frowny faces out there. I want to fix that. I want everyone to smile! Smile! Smile! Smile! That is why, today I’m officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States!”

A silence swept over the crowd. A pin could have been heard if it wasn’t for the icy breeze blowing through town square. Applejack and Twilight turned towards each other and shared an unspoken alarm. Their Pinkie Senses were dialed up to eleven.

Author's Note

Happy Presidents' Day!

This story is apolitical. Well, what I mean is this story is not intended to be pro-Trump or anti-Trump or pro-(Insert Democratic Candidate Here) or anti-(Insert Democratic Candidate Here). It's meant to poke fun at everything, Pinkie especially.

New posts as the 2020 campaign progresses!

Dreadnought

Answers... sort of

The snow crunched under her hooves as Princess Twilight Sparkle resolutely marched towards Sugarcube Corner. It being early morning meant that many ponies weren’t out yet. Some – Rainbow Dash assuredly among them – were still snuggled up under the covers of their bed and a few – again, Rainbow Dash assuredly among them – snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Most were probably up enjoying a hearty breakfast with a mug of coffee or hot cocoa. But one thing was certain. All of the ponies in town had read or were going to read today’s edition of the Ponyville Express.

The announcement the day before had made the front page. And second. And third. Okay, the entire issue had been devoted to the story, or editorials about what it meant, or reactions from audience members, or discussions as to what “The United States” was or what the office of “President” entailed. The fact that Pinkie Pie hadn’t offered many details or taken any questions after her speech meant that much of the paper was filled with rumor and speculation. Most thought this stunt was an elaborate prank designed to top even the incident involving the Filly Guide cookies. A few writers ventured that the United States must be a pony nation across the seas. Those who did believe Pinkie Pie assumed that President must be a minor office with limited to no power, because what nation in their right mind wouldn’t have wise, benevolent monarchs providing stability and prosperity for decades at a time? Regardless, there was great anticipation for the coming weeks as events unfolded.

Along the way, the few ponies who were about greeted Twilight Sparkle. She returned each with a concise – some might say terse – acknowledgement and continued on her way. The Princess of Friendship wasn’t unfriendly. Each warm greeting was heartfelt and sincere. But she was a mare on a mission who would not allow herself to be distracted or delayed. She had so many questions that had nagged at her, keeping her awake all night long. She would have answers!

Twilight smiled as wonderful scents filled the air – fresh bread, baked cakes, and unidentifiable sugary sweets. Even from several blocks away she could appreciate the skills of the Cakes and their star apprentice Pinkie Pie. If ever there was free advertising, this was it. And how effective it was! Despite the fact that Spike had prepared a delicious breakfast and made her eat her fill before she left the castle, her mouth began to water as her full stomach growled in anticipation. Perhaps she had time for a mouthwatering muffin, a delectable Danish, a scrumptious scone, or another tasty treat? No! She must focus! Questions needed answers!

Rounding a corner, the whimsical bakery and sweet shop came into view. It’s delicious-looking exterior coupled with the appetizing aromas emanating from the interior made it nearly impossible for passersby not to go in and eat or, at the very least, stop by and get an order to go. Many times a walk by Sugarcube Corner had left Rarity in tears, wailing that the Cakes had conspired to ruin her diet!

A jingling bell above the door announced her entrance. Twilight’s eagerness turned to exasperation upon seeing the queue before the counter where Mrs. Cake was busy taking orders. Of course ponies had come in for breakfast. Now there was a line ten deep. And it was just her luck that Mud Briar was at the front, taking his sweet time in deciding what to order and speaking in a very slow, monotone voice. This would take forever! She could use her royal prerogative to jump to the front of the line. Or she could push her way past the crowd to the kitchen where Pinkie Pie was likely baking. But it felt... wrong. What kind of example would she be setting if she didn’t afford everypony the same respect they gave her? Surely she could spare a few minutes?

As she waited impatiently, Twilight examined the selections offered this morning. There were rows of fresh muffins – dark chocolate, apple, apple cinnamon, blueberry, strawberry, lemon poppyseed, bran, pumpkin, salted caramel, and every other conceivable type. Then there were donuts, from classic glazed to jelly-filled and those smothered in chocolate or powdered sugar. And Danishes. And scones. And she couldn’t ignore the breakfast sandwiches, from eggs-and-cheese to maple-and-fried-hay. And this was just for breakfast! Come lunch, a full spread of cupcakes, pies, cakes, ice cream, and every other imaginable sweet treat would be displayed in all their glory!

Before she knew it, Twilight was getting a box of a dozen muffins to go. As she was passing the bits to Mrs. Cake, she asked, “By the way, Pinkie Pie is expecting me. Where can I find her?”

“Oh,” said the earth pony as she rang up the order on the cash register, “she’s in her campaign headquarters over there.” A sweep of her foreleg indicated a door off the lobby of the shop.

“Thank you,” said Twilight as she accepted her change. Levitating the box behind her, Twilight headed to said door. Now Twilight was a bit perplexed. She had been to Sugarcube Corner many times since moving to Ponyville. Hardly a week went by when she wasn’t stopping by to see her friend or to purchase something delectable from the shop. And she was widely known for being quite observant. From picking up on the slightest magical traces to solving complex riddles to catching the miscreants who had mutilated the masterpiece that was the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness. But never had she seen this door. Yet it appeared as original as the rest of the building.

Opening the door she found a small waiting room. There were a few chairs and a large desk at which sat a receptionist. Twilight approached the receptionist who was deeply engrossed in, and concealed behind, the latest edition of the Ponyville Express. Clearing her throat, Twilight said, “I am here to see Pinkie Pie.”

Without setting down the paper, the receptionist said, “Name, please.”

“Twilight.”

“Twilight...?”

“Sparkle,” she replied. “Twilight Sparkle.”

“That name does sound familiar,” came the voice.

Standing up a little straighter, she said, “Princess of Friendship.”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Uh, Bearer of the Element of Magic,” Twilight clarified.

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“The one who led the Bearers in the defeat of Tirek,” she ventured.

“Was that recently?”

“The one who organized the recapture of Canterlot from the Storm King,” she suggested.

“Sorry, try again.”

“Founder and headmare of the School of Friendship?”

“Never heard of it.”

Completely at a loss, she said, “Well, I’m a friend of Pinkie Pie.”

“When Pinkie Pie becomes President, she’ll have a lot of ‘friends.’”

“I’ve been her friend for a while, and I’d like to speak with her,” she replied, her voice beginning to reflect the irritation she was feeling.

“She’s in an important meeting with her campaign manager,” said the receptionist, with a hoof indicating the nearest door.

Twilight looked over and saw the door. The upper half held a pane of glass. Through it, she could see the dark silhouette of a pony with a big puffy mane. And she could also see the silhouette of a long slender creature, with mismatched wings and horns.

Instantly Twilight’s face ran through a variety of emotions – realization, relief, embarrassment, anger. “Wait a minute,” she said. Taking a hoof to pull down the receptionist’s paper, she discovered – “Discord.”

The draconequus smiled back at her with a big, toothy grin. “Hello, Twilight.”

She glared at him before growling, “I should have known you were behind this! This is all an elaborate prank of yours, isn’t it?”

He leaned back in his chair, the morning paper having vanished. “While this is bound to cause quite a bit of chaos, I assure you this is no prank. Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie is a candidate for the office of President of the United States of America.”

Twilight moved towards the door. “I’m getting to the bottom of this.”

He appeared before her, blocking her path. “Uh, uh, uh,” he said, waggling a claw at her. “She’s in a very important meeting with her campaign manager, and they are not to be disturbed. But maybe I can help you?”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at his wry grin. “What are the ‘United States of America’? What is ‘President’? How is she running for an office of a state we’ve never heard of?”

“Well, I could answer your questions directly, but you’d never believe me.” He stroked is beard in thought. “I suppose there is one way to for you to know that I’m not lying.”

“What’s that?”

Discord pulled a lever that wasn’t there before. Instantly Twilight was buried. “Read it in a book,” he said dryly.

Twilight battled to control her competing emotions of anger at Discord and elation at new books. She scanned a few of the titles, “United States History for Dummies? Civics for Idiots? The US Constitution for Beginners? The Electoral College for Hillary Clinton?”

“Now then, I’m very busy so I’ll ask you to go.” He snapped his claws.

Twilight stood in the middle of her castle library with her new books. Well, she didn’t get the answers she wanted. But now she could read them for herself. With muffins!

Author's Note

Maybe some of you saw this coming. I hope not! Plot twists should be unexpected. Though I'd imagine every zany twist in MLP would have someone screaming "Discord!"

Dreadnought

Interlude 1

...This is the end of this debate. We're going to leave it there. Aw, to be continued, in more debates as we go on. President Trump, Vice-President Biden, it's been an interesting hour and a half. I want to thank you both for participating in the first of three debates that you've agreed to engage in. We want to thank Case Western Reserve University and the Cleveland Clinic for hosting this event. The next debate sponsored by the Commission on Presidential Debates, will be one week from tomorrow, October 7th at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. The two vice-presidential nominees, Vice-President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris will debate at 9 PM Eastern that night. We hope you watch. Until then, thank you and good night.

Turning off the television, Discord set aside his bag of popcorn and bottle of root beer and leaned back in his chair. He rubbed his chin as he mused, "This election will be chaotic enough without Pinkie Pie. Maybe she shouldn't run." He thought for a very brief moment. "Aw, whom am I kidding? Let her run. More chaos!" he cheered.

Author's Note

I haven't given up on this story. Real life has been kicking my but of late. I've moved across the continent, unpacked my household goods, and have been going through a lot of training. I wish I had a better excuse, but that's the way it is.

Questions

The assembly room inside town hall lay deserted. No fires burned in the hearth nor did steam flow through the radiator pipes. The only warmth came from the late winter sun that poured through the windows. The room was silent save for the muffled cheers of the gathered masses outside. The room was cold and lifeless, yet somehow still felt inviting at the same time.

Suddenly a bright magenta flash filled the room. It quickly dissipated to reveal two ponies. The one to the left stood resolute as the magical aura faded around her horn. The other, wide-eyed and pale, tettered for a moment.

“Next time yah want tah teleport, give me a warnin’,” admonished Applejack.

Twilight blinked and turned to her friend. “I’m sorry. I wanted to beat Pinkie in here. I’ve got a lot of questions and I need answers.”

“Ah think Ah’m gonna be sick!” Applejack leaned on a chair for support and buried her face deep into her stetson.

The cheering briefly grew louder as a chilled wind swept throughout. As abruptly as it started, the wind stopped at the sound of a shutting door. Hooves pounding on the wooden floors echoed down the hall, indicating something was bouncing towards the assembly room. A moment later pink pony skipped into the room.

“Pinkie Pie!” cried Twilight.

“Pinkie….” groaned Applejack before she again hid her face in her hat.

“Twilight! Applejack!” greeted Pinkie.

“Pinkie, what’s going on!” demanded Twilight.

Hitting the apex, Pinkie lightly floated to the floor and considered the question. “Weren’t you two in the crowd when I made the announcement?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, I thought it was obvious. Maybe my speeches need work.”

Twilight wouldn’t be denied. “What’s ‘The United States’? Where is it? What is ‘President’? Why are you running for that office?”

“Oh, I’d love to answer your questions, but I have a meeting with my campaign manager right now and I pinkie promised to be there. Stop by Sugarcube Corner tomorrow. Okay, bye.” With that, Pinkie hurried through the back door of the assembly room and down the street towards the aforementioned business.

“Well,” Twilight huffed, “that didn’t answer any of my questions. What do you think, Applejack?” She turned to her friend.

A green-tinted Applejack looked up, with bits of saliva hanging from the corners of her mouth. “Ah think Ah need a new hat.”

Author's Note

Perhaps a tease, but things will become clear soon enough....

Dreadnought

PS - Happy Super Tuesday!