Anon wasn’t a man who really appreciated the beauty of nature. He never understood hiking in the woods or vacationing to tropical locations. A tree was a tree, a sunset was a sunset, and bugs were icky. Maybe all his enthusiasm for nature was killed by living in the city. After all, it was called the concrete jungle for a reason. The only animals in its ecosystem were that of flying rats, crawling rats, and domesticated pets who probably fed on rats. Not to mention all the people sized rats as well.
Anon was particularly rat focused because he swore up and down he saw the little fuckers in his home. It’s been a while since he had a genuine surplus of food in his home and he never was the most cleanliness of house dwellers. So, for a brief time, he got to enjoy a long stint of not having to worry about rodents trying to eat what he had rightfully claimed as his. Alas, that time had come to an end.
And so, Anon found himself outdoors in the quaint little town of Ponyville, attempting to ignore the nature around him as he always had. But that shit was everywhere. It made it especially hard to look for the home of one named “Fluttershy”. During one of Spike’s visits, Anon recalled him saying that the yellow horse had a way of talking to animals. Anon hoped he could use the whole “friendship” thing to cash in a favor and get her to run them out of his house. The less said about Anon’s many, many, attempts to get rid of them, the better.
Clang!
Anon heard the distant sound of metal hitting against an object. Easily swayed by his curiosity, Anon followed the sound. Every once in a while he would hear the sound again, voices growing more audible the closer he got. He found himself on Applejack’s, Sweet Apple Acres. Upon further investigation, he found two mares, Applejack and Rainbow Dash, playing a game of horseshoes behind the barn house. It was both interesting and fitting how the game of Horseshoes had cross-dimensional appeal. Anon watched the mares from the barn house, not quite behind them but more at an angle. He learned his lesson from last time.
“Ha, that’s another point for me!” Rainbow Dash said, having tossed her horseshoe a few inches to the stake. “That puts me in the lead. Ready to give up?” Anon rolled his eyes. He still couldn’t get over the incessant need of the pony to win everything. Maybe it was simply because he always figured the only true way to win any game was to never play, as any conclusion could be drawn from speculation. You nail 100% of the shots you don’t take, theoretically. Don’t @ me.
“Now you wait just a sec.” Applejack protested, a horseshoe in her mouth. Anon hopes they wash those things. “It ain’t over til it’s over. In fact, I bet you 2 bits I can get a ringer with this here toss.” Rainbow grinned at the prospect of winning some money.
“You’re on!” With that, Applejack grinned herself, craning her neck downwards for the toss. Anon questioned how she would be able to hit her target if she had to risk obscuring her vision just to toss it. Isn’t she essentially just throwing it blind? Regardless, Applejack’s neck snapped back as she let the horseshoe fly. Sure enough, it was a dead ringer, catching itself on the stake and giving a few spins, before settling down.
“Aw, come on!” Rainbow Dash shouted, as Applejack laughed with pride. Rainbow Dash flew into the air, somehow hovering upside down as she threw her head back, her head in her hooves. When she opened her eyes, she could see Anon leaning by the barn door, watching them.
“Anon?” Her earlier frustration had left as quickly as it came. Applejack also turned to see the unintentional stalker. “What are you doing here?” Anon flinched, as though he was suddenly caught in headlights.
“Me?” He asked dumbly. “Uh, I was just walking by and saw you guys doing something. I swear I only just got here.” Real convincing, Anon. Despite the trench Anon was adamant on digging, the mares just kinda shrugged, assuming it was Anon being Anon.
“Well, since you are here, did ya want to join in?” Applejack asks, pointing to the horseshoes. Anon contemplated this. On the one hand, he wasn’t very coordinated, despite all the video games he played. He could easily make a fool of himself and bring shame to his entire race. On the other hand, these ponies were disadvantaged, simply by their anatomy. The offer was tempting, but Anon had his pride to maintain.
“Nah, you ponies can go on ahead.” Anon dismisses the idea with the wave of his hand. “I’m content just watching from over here.”
“Aw, is Anon getting cold hooves~?” Rainbow teased with a smug grin. Anon went into glare mode.
“One, I don’t have hooves, I have hands.” Anon corrected. “Two, I just simply don’t want to play. Given my physiology, I may just end up winning every round.”
“Ugh, you sound like an egghead.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “And what makes you think you’d win every round?”
“Well,” Anon began walking over to the mares and their set up. He picked up a horseshoe. “I’ve noticed that you ponies use your mouths to toss these and have to bend your heads downward in order to snap back up to launch the horseshoe in the air vertically. With that method, you aren’t actively measuring the distance of your toss, as your line of sight is shifting, you’re just launching it and learning from trial and error whether you threw it too hard or not enough.” Anon eyed the stake and held his vision steady, swinging the hooves in his hand. The ponies looked on with interest. “With my arm doing the swinging, I can use my head to focus mainly on precision, gauging the distance, while arm feels the weight of the horseshoe. Then…” Anon tossed the horseshoe lightly. He didn’t land a ringer, but he get pretty damn close. A hint of pride illuminated his smile.
“That was a lot of fancy talk, Anon.” Applejack said, skeptically.
“Yeah, well, all you need to know is that I can do that more consistently than you girls.” Anon dusted his hands and prepared to head back to the barn, When Rainbow Dash cut him off.
“Are you implying that you’re better than us at our own game?” Rainbow accused.
“No. Well, where we come from this was OUR game. You ponies were incapable of sapience. But, I’m not particularly better than you in games. For example, if we were in a race, you’d beat me by virtue of your four legs and wings, despite my stride advantage.” Anon brought up both of his hands and wiggled his finger for emphasis. “But in any game where I can use my arms and hands, I got you fuckers beat.” Anon gave his own smug grin to the Rainbow horse, causing her to silently fume.
“Your arms, huh?” Applejack put a hoof to her chin, before coming to an epiphany. “Why don’t we have a lil hoof wrestling contest then? You may have the claws-“
“Fingers.” Anon corrected. “You’ve guys seen minotaurs before, how do you not know what fingers are?”
“Whatever. Anyway, you may have fingers but we ponies, earth ponies especially, are reputed for our strength.” Anon too let her pride show, posing to show her leg muscles. Anon had to admit, she sure looked strong. Yet, he enjoyed knocking these horses down a peg.
“Well, ‘Hoof wrestling’ isn’t strictly about strength though.” Anon argued. “It’s also an understanding of physics and-“
“Why don’t ya save the explanation and just prove it already?” Applejack smirked, now getting Anon to fume. The three silently agreed to the competition as AJ lead them all to a picnic table. Anon sat at one end and AJ sat on the other, much to Rainbow's displeasure. “I’ll go first, since I suggested it. You ready, Anon?”
She set her elbow-wait, ponies had elbows? Uh, her elbow equivalent, on the table. Anon placed his on the table as well and grabbed her hoof. It was a strange feeling. Holding AJ’s hoof, he could feel a joint that he could only assume was like a wrist. It became clear that these ponies, despite being ponies, had a weird anatomy that allowed them to imitate human anatomy. For example, simply by placing this elbow on the table, Anon could see a shoulder, which had previously not been there. Anon made a mental note to stop by Twilight’s castle, she is apparently the best source for information in this town and it did him good to actually learn this stuff before writing checks his ass may not be able to cash. Regardless, he had educated himself on arm wrestling strategy in high school, just for the fun of it.
Rainbow flew at the other end of the table, raising a hoof in the air. The moment it came down to signal the start of the match, both AJ and Anon began to push. Anon nearly lost outright, the pony’s strength nearly overwhelming with how sudden it was. Rainbow Dash laughed as Anon struggled to push against the workhorse, who herself was having a chuckle. Human strength will not be of any help here, so it was time for Anon to show them how humans became the apex predator.
Anon shifted his hand higher on AJ’s hoof, so that she would lose some of that strength as she pushed on Anon’s lower palm. Then, he pulled AJ’s hoof toward himself, hooking her hoof in between his wrist. Suddenly, Anon managed to push back against AJ, causing both the mares to grow quiet. Soon, they were back to the starting position. Anon cracked a knowing grin to AJ, before turning his whole body into the push and pushing his elbow out at the same time. Then came a resounding thud as Anon pushed the horse’s hoof to the table, declaring his victory. The jaws of the two ponies dropped as Anon withdrew his arm and tauntingly flexed his fingers.
“I done told y’all. It ain’t all about strength.” Anon boasted, failing to practice his humility. “Torque and strategy are equally as important.”
“No way! You cheated!” Rainbow protested.
“All of what I did is completely legal where I’m from. I didn’t lift my elbow, I didn’t use my other hand, I merely manipulated my arm in the best way to move against her’s.”
“Oh yeah? I’ll be the judge of that.” Rainbow bumps AJ out of her seat and places her hoof down with a determined slam. While AJ sighed, Anon took position again and the match was on once more. Anon switched up tactics this time, instead of going for the kill, he merely held out as Rainbow pushed as hard as she could. It was certainly difficult, but she wasn’t nearly as strong as AJ was and she was quickly exhausting herself. Soon, little by little, her assault waned and Anon was able to push Rainbow to the brink of defeat. Rainbow gave one last push but it was no use. Anon began chuckling, then cackling, before he bellowed into full on evil laughter. He slammed Rainbow’s hoof onto the table.
“That’s 2-0, baby!” Anon said, getting louder and cockier. “What say you, Lamebow? Wanna go for a three-peat?” Rainbow grinded her teeth and growled. For thirty minutes, Anon did battle with Dash and Jack. The two switched off regularly, each trying to develop their own counters to Anon’s tried and true strategies. None succeeded, as Anon won again and again. With each win, his ego became more inflated and he began to insist on more matches.
“Don’t bitch out on me now, Skittles!” Anon shouted, after another glorious victory. “I’m just getting warmed up. I can do this all day!” Rainbow yelled in frustration, unable to comprehend how Anon was winning so much. They tried to do what he was going, but then Anon simply waited for them to tire, given they had already burned themselves out.
“Come on, Dash.” Applejack pleaded with Rainbow, who was having none of it. “Anon’s got this one in the bag, Ah reckon. You can just beat him at any other game.”
“But I wanna beat him at this one!” Rainbow whined like an indignant child. She looked back at Anon, who rested his arms behind his head. “One more round! Winner takes all!”
“Take all of what? We didn’t bet anything. I’d we had, y’all would be broke.” Anon made a show of checking his nails.
“Whatever! I want one more shot! I know I can beat you!” Anon could see that Rainbow could not accept defeat. She had to be broken. Broken so thoroughly that she would never make the mistake of challenging him again.
“Fine. Another match, you shall receive.” Anon complied in a sinister tone. “Because I am benevolent, I’ll even give you a handicap.” Anon placed an arm on the table, but this time, his left arm. “I’m proficient with my right hand. My left? Not so much. Although, it should hardly matter. I’ll win again and again.” Once more the two competitors wrapped limbs and stared at one another with extreme intensity. Applejack shook her head, mumbling about regretting ever bringing up hoof wrestling. She took her position and raised her hoof in the air.
“Y’all ready?” AJ asked, unamused.
“I’ll show you why they made me a Wonderbolt!” Asserted Rainbow Dash.
“I am the rock on the eternal shores! Crash against me and be BROKEN!” Taunted Anonymous.
AJ’s hoof fell, signaling the beginning of the end. The same song and dance occurred, with Anon using all his tricks to secure another victory. However, it was considerably harder, as he’s never used his left arm for wrestling. His body wasn’t quite lined up right and his arm felt weaker by comparison, but he wouldn’t back down now. He wouldn’t be shown up by some technicolor pony in a technicolor wonderland. He will introduce to her the harshness of human nature. He will show her man’s propensity for wanton destruction and humiliation. He will show her mankind’s true face.
Rainbow wouldn’t allow Anon another victory. She had lost too many times to this ape and she would not allow it again. She faced off against manticores, bugbears, and even Cerberus himself. She fought the likes of Nightmare Moon and Queen Chrysalis. She was present when Equestria was ravished by the Everfree, Tirek, Sombra and even an ancient Shadow creature. She was an Element of Harmony, The Element of Loyalty. There was nothing she can’t do, no obstacle she couldn’t crush, and nopony she couldn’t beat. She will show him Rainbow “Danger” Dash.
The two were locked in eternal combat, sweat forming on their brows. This was the hardest both of them had pushed themselves thus far. The table groaned from how much they squeezed against it, their combined weight threatening to snap the table in two. Rainbow Dash’s wings began to flutter, faster and faster, until they flapped as hard an engine, edging Anon’s closer and closer to the table. Anon’s eyes widened as he saw that his arm was failing him. He gripped his teeth, used his other arm to grab hold of the table and gave his left the hardest push that he could muster.
SNAP!
All went silent. Not a word was spoken, not a breath taken. Rainbow had held her eyes shut, so she opened them. What she saw caused her jaw to drop. There it was: Anon’s arm resting flat on the table. Slowly, Rainbow’s expression grew from one of shock to one of awe, as her smiled from ear to ear.
“YEEEEEEEES!” Rainbow Dash yelled to the sky, chasing her voice as she did loop-de-loops and rolls. She hooted and hollered and sang as she celebrated her victory. This went on for a moment before she flew right back to Anon. “In your face! I told you I could beat you! What do you have to say to that?”
Anon had nothing to say. Anon was silent. Deathly silent. His eyes remained glued at his hand, still resting against the table. Dash was confused. There was a look of disbelief, but something was...off. Rainbow looked to Applejack, for maybe she had a clue, but all she saw was Applejack looking at Anon’s arm with pupils the size of pinpricks. Rainbow, too, looked at his hand more closely. When her eyes followed up Anon’s arm, it soon became clear what everyone was really staring at.
Anon’s upper arm, specifically the humerus bone, had completely fractured. His arm bent, forming an irregular shape. Anon looked on, eyes still wide, but his mouth forming neither a smile nor a grimace. All of his expressions laid within his eyes. This silence held for another moment, a painfully long moment. After a while, Anon took a deep breath and stood up, carefully nursing his broken arm.
“Ladies,” He spoke, softly and without fear nor pain. “While I am still in shock, could either of you please direct me to the nearest hospital? I’m afraid I may have fucked up.”
It has been three days since the hoof wrestling competition. Rainbow and AJ were playing another game of horseshoes. Anon stood nearby, his arm in a cast, leaning on a nearby fence post. It was lucky that Ponyville did indeed have a hospital, a curiously advanced one at that. They had equipment to view x-rays of his humerus and found that it was merely a proximal humerus fracture, the best case scenario as far as bone fractures go. Anon had to have his bones shifted back into place and given time to heal. This was a rather stressful procedure as it became clear that Equestrian medicine doesn’t work quite the same on human biology. Needless to say, the pain will stick with Anon for as long as he lives. However, the worst of it was over and he could go back to watching ponies do their pony things. Rainbow landed a ringer.
“Nice shot, Rainbow.” Applejack congratulates her friend. “Guess that means you won this time!” Applejack’s praise was genuine, but Rainbow didn’t cheer or fly around in circles. Instead, she gave a shy smile and rubbed the back of her neck.
“Heh, yeah. Guess I did, huh?” Rainbow didn’t sound so sure of herself. She casted a look towards Anon, who was doodling on his cast for the hell of it. She sighed and flew over to him. When he looked up, he was met with the depressed gaze of a flying blue equine.
“Hey, Anonymous?” Dash started, not looking Anon in the eyes. “I just wanted to, uh, apologize for breaking your arm. I got carried away and I should’ve-“ Anon blooped Rainbow Dash on the nose with his free hand, disorienting the pegasus.
“Look, you ponies might like to ramble on about what your sorry for, but you can just say sorry.” Anon explained. He removed his hand and began ruffling her already messy mane. “I fucked up too. I let my pride and ego get the best of me and dragged you down the same road.” Rainbow swatted at Anon’s embarrassed about his affectionate gesture.
“Quit it!” Rainbow Dash ordered, blushing. “What are you doing?”
“It’s called petting and I find it puts you Equestrians in your place.” Anon stopped again and wiggled his fingers once more. “That’s the magic of hands.” Applejack trotted over as Rainbow glared.
“I’m glad y’all made up and stopped acting like children.” Applejack said, with her sagely wisdom.
“Keep in mind, you suggested the whole thing, AJ.” Anon pointed out with Rainbow nodding. “You’re just as responsible and guilty.” AJ craned her head toward the barn.
“What’s that? It sounds like Granny Smith needs help baking some apple fritters.” The orange began to retreat to the house. “If y’all want some, Ah suggest you hush your mouths and come with me.” She gave the two a wink and they all shared a chuckle. Together, they walked to the cozy Apple residence.
“You know, Skittles. Once my arm heals, you might be interested in learning about a little game called King of the Hill.” Rainbow looked up at Anon, with renewed interest and a look that screamed “Game on!”. Applejack could only plant a hoof to her face
Author's Note
Here’s a one shot to prove I can do it half-confidently. Maybe a quarter.
Thank you for reading and I’m sorry
