After Words

by gimmick68

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 2026

Being retired was supposed to be a good thing. So why is Celestia so moody? She vents to Luna. Profanely.

Celestia isn't as pleased with retirement as she thought she'd be. Sure, the beach is great but it's no longer doing it for the former princess. She has a number of grievances to get off her chest and vents her frustrations in a profanity-laced tirade to Luna.

Rated Mature for strong language throughout and sexual references.

Cover art by me.

Featured: 2/27/2020 - 2/29/2020
Color me surprised, honored, and appreciative. Thank you all so much!

Published 2020-02-25 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-25 23:30:01 UTC

In Which Celestia Unloads Some Pent Up Frustrations

“I’m so bored, Luna. So fucking bored. Bored as shit. Shittingly bored.”

A soft breeze scurried across the beach, gently rustling her sun hat. A few gulls screeched far above and small waves cautiously lapped against the sand. Far at the other end of the nearly empty beach a tiki bar was selling a ridiculously overpriced drink to some schmuck who didn’t know any better.

“I’m no longer convinced retiring was the right decision. I mean, look at us: lounging on a beach for the last two months, doing nothing. Nothing! It was fun at first, sure. But it’s been two months. Two months. We’ve done nothing for two months. Luna, I hate to say it but I miss being a princess. Or, at least a princess with power.”

The breeze shifted a bit but did not blow any harder. The sun was briefly dimmed ever so slightly by a passing cirrus cloud, but not quite enough for her to lower her sunglasses.

“I mean, look at me! Look at me! No adornments, no ornamental armor. I’m just a tall white pony. Tall tall pony. Freakishly tall. But that’s it! I have no political power anymore. My opinion is no longer policy. It’s just an opinion. I’m just an opinion.” She took a swig of her mixed drink, bypassing the straw. “Just a fricken’ opinion, Luna. That’s all I am. That’s all we are.” She considered her words for a moment and took another swig. “But on further opinion, I mean thought, upon further thought, maybe that’s a good thing. Instead of ponies hanging off my every word, they’ll just shrug it off. I’ll be just another retired politician weighing in on something I know little or nothing about.”

A couple of gulls landed on the beach in front of her. Some other tropical bird called out from the palm trees behind her.

“I actually might miss the paperwork, Luna. I can’t believe I’m saying that. That fucking paperwork. Holy fuckin’ Me. Nopony really understood all the paperwork you have to deal with when you’re a princess. Look who I’m telling. You know! You’ve done some of it. Every time somepony slighted somepony else or had a disagreement over what color the tapestry on 4th Street should be or took a shit on the sidewalk, I had to fill out paperwork. Those ponies couldn’t do anything for themselves!” She silently seethed for a minute, legs folded tightly against her chest as she was reclining in the beach chair. She grumpily sucked on the straw in her drink. “Who shits on the sidewalk?!” she burst out angrily.

The breeze calmed a bit, leaving her sunhat still for the moment. Another gull joined the two already on the beach.

“You know, Luna, maybe I don’t miss being a princess. That workload was crap. Always solving somepony else’s problems, never having enough time to deal with your own. Although, now we have plenty of time to solve our problems. And yet here we sit. Not doing anything. Nothing! No-thing! I want to be doing something with my time.” She sipped again and hiccupped. “Sweet Mother, take me. Listen to me. Did you hear that, Luna? Did you hear what I just said? Complaining about wanting to do something with my time. Holy cat shit! Look at what being princess has done to me! Thousands of years of constantly being the mediator, the guard, the watchtower, the secretary of Equestria – all of it has got me wanting to do something in my time off. I’m actually feeling guilty about not doing anything! They’ve got me feeling guilty. Unbelievable. Unbefuckinglievable!”

The gulls on the beach squawked and nipped at each other, dancing around a bit, mostly ignoring the small waves sliding in at their feet.

“Well, at least I haven’t heard Slutlestia since then. Damn, I hated that name. You shack up with a few dignitaries and whammo! – you gain a reputation for being a bimbo whose only diplomacy skill is to sleep her way to negotiations. I only did that on a couple of occasions and it was only because all other options had failed. I did everything I could to keep that classified. Had to be a mole somewhere. Or one of those stallions talked. Bastards. Probably bragging to their friends how they got to pork a princess. Chodes. Most weren’t worth the effort. Honestly, it’s as though they forgot how old I am and didn’t bother to think of all the stallions I’ve had. Hundreds. Thousands. Tens of thousands. Well, maybe not that many. But a lot! What makes them think that they’d be anything special? There was one though. One dignitary. Have I ever told you about him? From Saddle Arabia. My goodness, now that was a stallion. I know you hate when I talk about this kind of thing, Luna, but let me just have this moment. Wow, if I could go back in time I’d go back to him. That was an epic weekend. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. What was his name? Damn, I’m horrible with names. I remember everything else about him. Crap. Well, if I heard it I’d know it.”

The high cirrus clouds passed beyond the sun, letting its full warmth and brightness shine down on the beach.

“Remember Sombra? The good version? No, you wouldn’t. Duh. The heart breaks just thinking about him. I’d never been so close to marriage. I would have. Definitely.” She let the sun warm her. “Okay: fuck, marry, kill. I’d fuck the guy from Saddle Arabia, marry good Sombra, and kill…that list is too long.” She sipped her drink. “Too long. Gods, what I wouldn’t give for a good stallion right now! I’d take a mare even. I get this from mom and dad, you know.”

The gulls on the beach flew away. A few hundred yards out on the sea a pod of whales surfaced, disrupting an otherwise calm horizon.

“Do you remember my 531st birthday? At the mountain castle. No, I don’t expect you would. What were you, 250 at the time? Yeah, too young to remember probably. But do you know what mom and dad did at my party? Of course you don’t. Well, I’ll tell you: They boned. The whole day! I only saw them for a few minutes here and there, the rest of the time they just stuck some jester or clown or somepony like that on me, keeping me and the guests entertained while they snuck off and got it on. Ugh! Oh, and how do I know, you might ask? Well, when I turned 857 I caught them. At my birthday again. Didn’t want to. Just looking for my new kerchief, wanted to show my friends. Opened the closet – my closet – and boom!, guess who was in there. And guess what they were doing. That’s not something you get out of your head anytime soon. I still see it. Always open closets slowly now.” She shuddered. She drank again. “I pieced it together. They were absent a lot. Did you ever notice that? How often they weren’t around? Yep. They were bumpin’ uglies.” She simmered another moment. “Our parents were horndogs, Luna. Still are, as far as I can tell. That’s where I get it from. You’re lucky you don’t have to deal with that.”

A lower cumulous cloud rolled over the sun, casting a shadow on the beach. A slightly stronger breeze gusted through but quickly subsided.

“You know dad hasn’t responded to my postcard. I mean, I know we asked to be left alone but he could at least send a reply. Or mom. I suppose I sent it to both of them.” She sighed. “Have you ever thought about having kids, Luna? I have. Now that I have time, I guess I could try. Of course, I’d have to find the right stallion. Which, of course brings us back to Sombra. He was perfect. Was. Damn, he was so perfect. I’d like another like him. Doesn’t have to be a king, of course, but it would help. We both knew the rigors of being a ruler. And neither of would have been marrying up or down. If I just bagged some regular schmuck, I’d always be thinking about whether or not he loved me for me or just my name and everything that went with it. Damn. Fuck! Fucking damn! You know what I should have done? I should have married that stallion I dated in my 900’s. Debonair, charming, articulate, kind. Bit on the arrogant side but damn if he wasn’t a fine piece of tail. I wasn’t a princess yet – at least not the ruling kind. Could’ve married, boned, had kids. I would have known he loved me for me. Now? Shit. My womb is probably the hottest piece of real-estate in the world and every stallion wants to plant his flag.” She annoyedly poked at her belly.

The cloud above moved past, letting the sun illuminate the beach once more. The gulls from before were now soaring far overhead, occasionally calling to each other.

"Feeling pretty fucking bitter right now, Luna. Can ya tell? Haven’t felt like this in a long time. Loooooooong time. Y’know who I blame? Twilight and her gang. Always showing up and saving the day. They get all the credit and I never got so much as a thank you for all I did! Nothing! I mean, how could they not see I was grooming her?! Seriously! I did what I could to get the ball rolling and then let her take over from there. But no! No! All I get is: ‘Celestia is useless’ and ‘Celestia can’t do shit’ and ‘Celestia isn’t a very good ruler’. Ungrateful little twats. They have no idea what it took to get Twilight and her squad into the positions they’re in. No clue! No. Fucking! Clue! I orchestrated that whole shit and I get no credit. Discretion be damned, I deserve a little credit. At least a thank you. A big ol’ collective thank from all the ponies of Equestria. If not that then maybe I’ll have them all line up to kiss my ass. Plant a big wet one right where it counts. Right on the ol’ Sunbutt. Yeah.” She smiled a little and sipped her drink. She took a few deep breaths and relaxed as another warm breeze swept over her.

A couple of minutes passed by in silence, save for the palms gently rustling and the small waves lapping the sand.

"Thanks for listening. You know, Luna, despite our differences I really appreciate your receptiveness in times like these. You’ve always been a great listener. I know I can be a bit dramatic at times but it really helps me to have somepony I can vent to. Oops, sorry – to whom I can vent.” She giggled. “Also, I apologize for the language. I know you don’t like it and if I’m honest, neither do I. I just…needed to get it out. So thank you. Just out of curiosity, what do you think of all of that?”

“Sister?” asked Luna, lackadaisically walking up to her chair and casually sipping on a drink. Her tracks in the sand could be traced back to the tiki bar. She was wearing a sunhat larger than Celestia’s and she was covered with a healthy application of sunscreen. “To whom are you speaking?”

Celestia looked over at Luna and then to Luna’s empty beach chair. Not entirely empty, though. A pineapple sat in the chair, the top cut off and a straw sticking out. She looked at it, then to Luna, then to it. Then to Luna. She faced the ocean in front of her and grimaced. “Fuck.”

Author's Note

There's a wonderful reading of this on Youtube by StraightToThePointStudio. I'd link it but it says SFW links only. I'm assuming the content within deems this a NSFW story. So...I'll follow the rules. Just type in the title or the channel. You'll find it.