Author's Note
Eff Stop:
Set between School Raze and Best Gift Ever.
A Short, Friendly Chat
Eff Stop had always prided himself on his investigative journalism. He was willing to dig deep for the truth, and take the interviews nopony else wanted to. He wore the title “muckraker” with proud satisfaction. The public loved him. The corrupt hated him. His white coat blue mane, and photograph tape cutie mark were the bane of con artists and politicians everywhere.
That was how he found himself standing in front of Princess Twilight Sparkle in her radiant castle. “You wanted to see me, Princess? Did you decide on whether or not I could interview her?”
Princess Twilight looked up from her desk. “Eff Stop, I’m happy to approve your request, with one caveat. You’ll need to have two Royal Guards present during the interview. Don’t worry, they won’t interfere, and to ensure confidentiality, I’ve even ordered them to stay out of earshot. We just need them present in case Cozy tries something like stealing your camera for parts to make a lockpick or something like that.”
Eff nodded. “That’s fine.” He cracked a smile. “I have to say, it’s a real honor to be the first reporter to be allowed to meet with her.”
“You have a good track record,” Twilight replied. “And honestly, I’m getting a little sick of the barrage of letters asking me why Cozy wanted to drain magic from Equestria or telling me I’m a horrible pony for not pardoning her.”
“What time did you schedule?” Eff asked. “Like I said in the request, I’m happy to cancel any other plans for this interview.”
“This afternoon!” she said with a cheerful grin, passing back his request form. It now had the Princess’s hoofprint in sealing wax. “The guards should be here in about half an hour, and then the three of you can travel to Tartarus together.”
“That sounds great,” Eff said. “Thank you again!”
“It’s my pleasure.” Twilight gave him a more solemn look. “I know you already know this, but don’t trust anything she says. She’s the best liar I’ve ever met, and she fooled me flawlessly for months.”
“Understood. Don’t worry, Princess. I’ll be on my guard the whole time!” He bowed, and trotted out of her castle.
This afternoon, huh? Better get everything in order, then. He stopped by his hotel room, and quickly packed his camera, notebook and quill, and all the files he’d been able to gather on Cozy Glow, from her report cards to newspaper clippings to deposits from the orphanage. He’d spent months building towards this exposé, and in a few hours he’d have the crown jewel: the first interview ever with the diabolic filly!
He lifted his saddlebags over his midsection, and left his hotel with a generous tip. Soon, he’d head down to the train station to be ready for the guards’ arrival. But first, he had one more thing to take care of. The most powerful tool in his repertoire was his warm personality, but a bit of gentle bribery never hurt.
He stopped by the pizzeria. “One medium mozzarella pizza to go, please,” he requested as he placed a dozen bits on the counter.
“Sure thing!” the mare behind the counter replied. “Should be ready in fifteen minutes. What’s your name?”
“Eff Stop,” he said with a warm smile.
Eff sat down and opened his file on Cozy. He picked a paper at random, rereading what Cozy’s first teacher had written.
Cozy Glow was a very dedicated student. She did amazingly in every class and even taught me some things. I’ve had maybe two other students in my whole career who were as smart as her.
However, she had no friends, and some of the other kids picked on her. I always worried about her, and I tried to make sure she was taken care of over the holidays. Her orphanage was well funded, thank Celestia, and she didn’t go hungry.
I don’t know how she became a villain or why she decided to drain all magic from Equestria. When I knew her, she never did a single thing to hurt somepony. She was so sweet and her tears were heartrending. I never understood how anypony could want to make her sad.
Princess Twilight, please at least let her out on parole. That’s not the Cozy I know, and something is really wrong. She needs counseling and therapy, not imprisonment. And she’s a pegasus filly; it’s not like she has the power to level a city block like Tirek does. It would cost you nothing to let her return to the School of Friendship under heavy observation. Hay, you could have four guards beside her 24/7.
Just, please, Twilight. Don’t keep her locked up in that cage.
I, Laurette, hereby assert that the above information is true to the best of my knowledge, under penalty of perjury.
Well, she’s optimistic, he thought dryly. Hopefully today’s interview will help clear up how much of that optimism is warranted.
He spent the next few minutes reading other snippets he’d collected. He’d already read them all, of course, but it never hurt to brush up.
“Pizza for Eff Stop is ready!” the clerk called over.
He stood up, packed his papers away, and trotted to the counter. “Thanks,” he said, picking up the pizza box and securing it to his saddlebags with two of their straps.
All matters in Ponyville taken care of, Eff headed for the train station. It only took a few minutes for the train to pull in. A unicorn mare and an earth pony stallion stepped off.
“You’re the reporter?” the stallion asked brusquely.
“Yep, that’s me,” Eff answered. “Got my approval papers right here.” He pulled out the notarized request form.
The mare took the form in her telekinesis, cast a quick spell, and returned it to him. “All checks out. Now I’ll do a quick weapons and lockpick scan.”
She set her horn ablaze with pale white light. He felt tingles running along his body, like she was poking him with a feather. A few moments later, she turned her horn off. “All clear. Let’s move out.”
Eff nodded with a grin. “Lead the way!”
The trip was long, boring, but uneventful. The sun was settling into the comfortable orange of a late autumn afternoon as the massive gates of Tartarus loomed.
Eff took a deep breath and steadied his nerves. He could do this. He’d written an extensive piece on Flim and Flam’s violations of safety regulations and customer protections, staring down their offers of hundreds of thousands of bits and threats of defamation lawsuits. One evil filly behind bars couldn’t be that hard to deal with, right?
The unicorn and earth pony both pressed their hooves to the gates of Tartarus. The gates glowed a light blue and swung open.
Cages lined the room, but two cages stood out immediately, as much for their inhabitants as for their placement. One was Lord Tirek, the dreaded magic-eating centaur. The other, of course, was Cozy Glow herself. The two cages sat on a lone, dramatic pillar stabbing the sky, with a staircase leading up from where they’d entered.
The two Royal Guards accompanied Eff to the staircase. “If you need anything, just yell,” the stallion told him. “We’ll be right there.”
Eff nodded, and slowly trotted up the stairs. Tirek and Cozy were playing chess. Eff wasn’t very good at chess, but it looked like Cozy was absolutely crushing him. She brightened as he came into view. “Golly, you made it!” she said with a big smile. “See, Tirek? I told you I was getting an interview!”
“It seems you were correct, Cozy,” Tirek admitted. “Well, I’ll leave you two to it.”
Eff sat down beside Cozy’s cage. “Want some pizza?” he asked, putting on his best winning smile.
Her eyes bugged out. “Yes! I haven’t had pizza since they put me in here.”
He gave her a slice. She munched it down rapidly. “Mmm, that hit the spot,” she said cheerfully. “So, what’s your name? And what do you want to ask about?”
“I’m Eff Stop. It’s an honor to meet you, Miss Glow,” Eff replied. “Can I call you Cozy?”
“Of course!” Cozy reassured him. “What should I call you?”
“Call me Eff.” He gave her a little smile. “So, first up, mind if I get your picture?”
“Not at all,” Cozy trilled. “Take as many as you want.”
He got out his camera and snapped a series of pictures. She was eating pizza in them, smiling wide, and generally looking adorable. It’s somewhat haunting how cute she can be.
“Okay, now that that’s taken care of, I have one big question for you, Cozy.” He leaned in attentively. “Why did you want to drain all magic from Equestria?”
Cozy gave him a huge grin. “I sure am glad you asked that, Eff. It’s a long story though, so get comfy.”
Eff pulled out his notepad and quill, and leaned against one of the rocky outcroppings.
“Let’s wind the clocks back five years, okay?” she began with a sweet little smile. “The year is 999. I just turned seven. We’ve enjoyed centuries of peace and prosperity. Equestria is the most powerful nation anywhere in the world. No other country dares to attack us, and domestic problems are resolved peacefully. Celestia rules alone as an absolute dictator.”
Eff raised an eyebrow, and interjected, “She wasn’t an absolute monarch. We had the nobility, rights as citizens, the courts, and so on.”
“Oh, in name she wasn’t,” Cozy said with a sardonic smile, “but in fact she absolutely was. Who among the nobility could stand up to Celestia? And if you say Prince Blueblood I’m gonna laugh.”
Eff pursed his lips. Cadance? No, she wasn’t in a ruling position yet.
“Civil rights?” Cozy added. “Who could stop Celestia if she decided to banish you, or throw you in a dungeon, or banish you and throw you in a dungeon in the place where she banished you? The courts were there to handle cases Celestia didn’t care about. There was no court to judge Luna guilty before banishing her to the moon.”
Eff considered replying, but decided against it. Best to let her finish first.
Cozy shrugged. “Anyway, the point is, Celestia was a dictator with no equal and no checks or balances. And Equestria prospered for a thousand years under her.”
He frantically scribbled down as she spoke. This is going to be invaluable. The first insight into her mind since she was imprisoned! Wait until the editor sees this.
“And then something very peculiar happens.” Cozy stretched her wings. “The Summer Sun Celebration doesn’t go as planned. The sun doesn’t rise for hours after it’s supposed to. The next day, we find out six Ponyville ponies defeated a dark alicorn and rescued Princess Celestia’s long-lost sister Princess Luna. And they’re the new Elements of Harmony too.”
Eff nodded. He knew better than to try to stop an interviewee in a rant. “Yeah, I’m following. Go on, Cozy.”
Cozy scooped up another slice of pizza and took a big bite from it. “Sho,” she said through a mouthful of cheese and crust, “Fhast fhorwhard six months. Dhiscord eschapes and thurns the whorld upside dhown.” She swallowed. “His usurpation is terrifying. He can rewrite the laws of reality on the fly. But those same six ponies save us all again, returning him to stone.
“Six more months. A race of evil insectoid pony-like creatures replace Princess Cadance, lay siege to Canterlot, and their leader Chrysalis defeats Princess Celestia herself!” Cozy splatted her hoof into the ground for effect. “They’re only repelled by a very lucky series of events including Chrysalis not paying attention at a critical moment.
“Now, you need to understand something,” Cozy told him. “This might sound like bragging, but Professor Applejack said honesty was the best policy. I was a very precocious student. Not just in my classes, but in my broader understanding of the world. I was only eight, but I realized the changelings could have easily assassinated Celestia and all of the Elements of Harmony. I start thinking about a big, important question: what could we, meaning ordinary ponies but also the other mere mortals of the world, do to stop the madness of these demigods?”
Eff was taking down every word. She continued, “A few months later, an entire empire appears out of nowhere and the dreaded King Sombra returns from the frozen north. He’s defeated by those same six—always six—ponies plus their dragon servant. Cadance is assigned as governor of the Crystal Empire, firmly establishing herself as a subordinate to the Celestial Diarchy, so that’s good at least. But I can recognize patterns when I see them, and I come to a disturbing conclusion: if any of the six Elements of Harmony got killed, Equestria would fall.
“Another few months. One of the Elements becomes a Princess herself, and the new Princess Twilight upsets the balance of power even further. Evil thorny plants emerge from Everfree Forest and begin laying waste to Equestria. They kidnap Princesses Celestia and Luna and nearly kill the Tree of Harmony. Those six ponies destroy the plants. Surprise, surprise, Discord was behind this too, even after allegedly ‘reforming’ thanks to Fluttershy.” Cozy grinned wryly. “But we’re just getting started.”
“I might be misunderstanding, so correct me if I am,” Eff slipped in. “But are you implying that Discord hasn’t really reformed?”
“Nah, I’m not implying that,” Cozy answered with a chuckle. “I’m accusing!”
“I see,” Eff commented, writing as quickly as he could. “Continue, if you please.”
“First, I need a drink of water,” Cozy said. “Hey, guards, can you get me a glass of water?”
The unicorn mare rolled her eyes, and trotted to Cozy’s cage. She conjured a large water bottle. Cozy upended it and chugged it down. “Mmm, I needed that,” she commented happily. “So, I left off with the Plunderseeds. But then my buddy Tirek here escapes Tartarus.”
“Still one of my finest moments,” Tirek said wistfully. “Ahhh, so much power was flowing through my body!”
“Would you like a slice of pizza, Tirek?” Cozy asked with a big smile.
“…Yes,” he admitted with a grumble. She gestured for Eff to give him a slice. He complied, sliding it through the metal bars. Tirek hungrily gobbled it down. “Ahh, I’ve missed the taste of good food. Anyway, you were saying, Cozy?”
“Right! So, Tirek escapes. Discord defeats and arrests him. But then Discord, surprise, frees him, works with him, and betrays Equestria! Ponykind is very nearly conquered by Tirek. He makes a deal with Princess Twilight, stealing just about all the magic in Equestria. Only through an extremely lucky event that they had no way of knowing would happen do the Elements prevail.”
Cozy reclined onto her back. “Shortly after, a mighty wizard, Starlight Glimmer, drains the cutie marks of those six ponies, leaving them powerless. Then, after a few more months, she rewrites history over and over. What does Twilight do? Plop her in Tartarus next to Tirek? Nope! She takes her as her personal apprentice and teaches her about friendship.”
“Twilight would likely say that’s because Starlight showed genuine repentance and wanted to make amends,” Eff offered. “And that Starlight is so powerful she’d want her on her side.”
“Of course!” Cozy replied with a giggle. “Starlight said she was sorry, and more importantly, Twilight wanted Starlight to help her fight her enemies.”
Eff dutifully scribed Cozy’s answer as she continued. “Now consider the Crystalling incident. A baby nearly destroys the entire Crystal Empire through nothing but her accidental magic spurts. What could she do to another city? I do some research, and come to a horrifying conclusion: any of the alicorns could do that if they got sick or went crazy. I’m starting to see the real problem. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
“Now those changelings come back, replace the entire Equestrian government, and very nearly conquer us all. They’re terrifying, mighty, and dangerous. I hear how Starlight, Trixie, Thorax, and Discord overthrow Chrysalis, and it’s not through magic. It’s through friendship; they make the changelings our friends. Now I start really thinking about all this.” Cozy tapped a hoof softly, rhythmically against the floor.
“The Pony of Shadows comes out of my fairytales and into the real world. He, too, very nearly conquers Equestria. Those six Elements defeat him by talking to him. I’m putting it all together.
“The Storm King used to quake in fear of Equestria, you know?” Cozy asked, giggling. “He stayed so far south because he knew he could never stand against Celestia. The return of Luna and ascension of Cadance and then Twilight made him even more afraid. But then our rulers got cowardly. Worse than cowardly—stupid. If Celestia still had any guts OR brains, when those blimps flew into Canterlot she would have blown them out of the sky. She has the power. So do Twilight, Luna, and Cadance. But none of them are willing to use it!”
Eff felt his heartbeat quickening. Cozy was really getting into it now. He was close to the critical point.
“So, let’s recap, shall we? After a thousand years of peace and prosperity under a sole ruler, a dozen villains or monsters threaten the safety of all Equestria under a diarchy and later tetrarchy. And how does every single monster do it? Magic.”
She slammed her hoof into the stone floor. “I don’t have any special powers. I’m just a kid, not even a teenager yet. But golly, I can see what’s going on. A changeling can replace you or anypony you care about. Sorcerers can level a city with a wave of their horn and few moments of spellcraft. Discord can rewrite the laws of reality as easily as you can put on a hat. The dragons threaten to raze Equestria to the ground over a missing student!” She narrowed her eyes. “Of course I tried to drain all the magic from Equestria. Why? Because that’s the only way ordinary, normal ponies can live safely!”
Eff stared at her, his quill hovering motionless over its pad. “You were getting rid of all magic to protect ponies?”
“Yes, but not just ponies,” she replied. “Take your average changeling. How do you think they feel about the reputation of their race as body-snatching criminals? If they were to lose their shapeshifting, they’d be much more accepted. All our magicless friends like griffons, yaks, and buffalo envy unicorn sorcerers, and that envy makes them hate them. You know all that tribal strife dating back to the Founding of Equestria? I would wipe it all away. I would do more than make life safe for everycreature, I would create a harmonious utopia. There would be no more monsters destroying our houses, no more villains conquering our nation, no more threats to the entire world. The world would be a good one for ordinary creatures to live ordinary lives.”
“But the record shows that you were happy to let six of your fellow students be sent to another dimension,” Eff argued. “How do you reconcile that?”
Cozy sighed. “In anything you do, there has to be a price you pay. I accepted the price of having to lose six creatures, all of whom had been my friends and I wished could be again, to create a better world. It’s the same with Starlight and the Elements. I had to get all of them out of the way because none of them would understand what I was doing if I explained it, and they’d try to stop me. Sending a total of fourteen beings to Tartarus or another dimension in return for saving Equestria from magic was worth it.”
Eff nodded, writing once more. He rapidly transcribed everything Cozy had said. Only one more question, then. “And your declaration of yourself as Empress of Friendship? How does that fit in?”
“Equestria needs an absolute monarch,” Cozy said with a shrug. “You’ve seen the chaos a shared throne brings. And for an unoccupied throne, look at Griffonstone. Are griffons happier living in anarchy than they were under King Grover? I would have ruled the entire world with a firm but fair hoof, creating prosperity, peace, and happiness across the land. Obviously there would need to be some brutal methods applied early on; I’m not naive enough to pretend becoming Empress is all sunshine and rainbows. But the alternative—letting monsters and magic run rampant, leaving Equestria in the hands of incompetent princesses and six Elements who are one assassination away from having their magic broken—was too awful to bear.”
“Is there anything else you’d like to say for the record, Cozy?” Eff asked.
“Just that I believe I should receive the same legal treatment as Starlight Glimmer did. Being released under parole and community service.” Cozy rolled her eyes. “But as I’m just a tactically useless pegasus filly, and not one of the most powerful sorcerers on the planet, I doubt it’ll be approved.”
“I see,” Eff replied. “And would you like to say anything else off the record?”
Cozy paused. “I didn’t want to have to kill, or functionally kill, anypony,” she said, a hint of sadness tinging her voice. “I would have preferred it if Starlight and my classmates had just minded their own business.”
Eff felt a chill. He had a hunch she was being completely genuine. “Are you sure you want that off the record? I think our readers would be very interested in that detail.”
“Yeah,” she said firmly. “They’d all think I’m lying to get pity or sympathy.”
“Understood,” Eff agreed. “Well, I think that’s all. You can have the rest of the pizza, if you’d like.”
“Thanks, Eff!” she called, dragging the pizza box to her cell.
He shook out his wings, and flew down to the guards. “I’m done with my interview. Can we head back?”
“Yes,” the earth pony guard assented. “Let’s go.”
Cozy watched the three ponies leave. Once the gates of Tartarus clanged shut, she turned to Tirek beside her.
“Well, that was fun, Tirek! Want another slice?”
He stroked his chin, and nodded. He bit down on the pizza, sighing in contentment.
“So, how much of what you told that journalist was true?” Tirek inquired.
Cozy batted her eyes. “Oh Tirek, I’d never lie to somepony! Especially not a new friend who’s going to be representing my words to the whole world!”
She held a serious face for all of two seconds, before bursting into a cackle. He joined in, guffawing gleefully, and the two of them laughed long and hard into the night.
