Pinkie's Doom Parade

by NeuPferdfurt

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 11857

a few slightly disturbing stories featuring a certain baker's apprentice

A collection of anecdotes set in the magical land of Equestria, about some slightly disturbing adventures of a certain baker's apprentice and her little friends.

(Note: 'see you next fall' was inspired by http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGA4wxZ-pcE ;
'a pink mass' is referencing a German cartoon called "Das kleine Arschloch" (the little asshole), as seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTLiKXT1QGM&feature=related )

Published 2011-12-16 20:38:43 UTC
Last updated 2014-11-05 09:14:32 UTC

Fossil

(The end is the beginning)

"It was certainly the strangest thing I had unearthed so far. Considering that I’m a paleontologist, this is saying a lot. Quite a lot.

We were not able to recover the entire skeleton, so much of our reconstruction efforts were doomed to be guesswork- at least until we found other fossils of the same species.

The truly sensational aspect of this particular specimen were an almost perfectly preserved skull and lower jaw.

The creature belonged to a strata in the fossil record it shared with quite a lot of strange lifeforms, hundreds of mysterious species that seemed to have appeared in our world almost overnight. What most of these had in common was that they seemed to be hybrids of vastly different species, a phenomenon in perfect contradiction with evolutionary theory.

Even today, I consider this first skull to be my favorite fossil find. The way it seems to be grinning at you, the way you almost get the feeling it has a vibrating aura, as if there were leftovers from the sheer energy this being had radiated during its lifetime...

The morphology of the skull suggested a blend between human and equine features, our first DNA tests however remained inconclusive. Some of us suggested it must have been a nocturnal creature, giving the disturbingly large, owl-like eyes. The teeth, though arranged in a somewhat similar fashion as the teeth of a horse (since the jaw was much shorter, however, there was no interdental space), seemed to suggest a fairly omnivorous diet, with a lot of sugar. Yes, quite a lot of sugar.

One of my colleges was even able to extract elements from the skull and the surrounding sediment, allowing him to reconstruct the critter’s hair color. It was pink, of all colors. So we decided to call the magnificent, ancient beast... “Pinkie”. It can even be read on the info plate in the museum of natural history where it is currently presented to the public.

Looking at this fossil, you feel you can almost grasp the countless adventures it has lived. You almost expect it to come to life any minute to tell you its story..."

busted

This didn’t look good. Twilight Sparkle was sitting at the big desk, wearing her “old fashioned school teacher”-glasses.

Spike saw that she was levitating one of his special magazines with her horn. So she had finally found his secret stock. The little dragon gulped.

Twilight was looking through the magazine, shaking her head.

“Spike”, she sighted, “I though I raised you better than this.”

“But Sis, there is nothing wrong with the way you raised me! If anything, it’s the rest that got me corrupted.”

The unicorn’s expression softened.

“Awww... Aren’t you the sweetest little thing?”

She snapped out of it. “Never the less..." She frowned. "‘Bikini Ponies’... ? Spike... I don’t get it.

Seriously.

I think what offends me the most about this is that it doesn’t even make any sense. Any sense whatsoever. As... risqué as these outfits are, it’s still much more than we usually wear, because usually - get this- we wear no clothes. At all.”

“I have a refined taste!”

“Is that so.”

Someone was knocking at the door.

“Come in.”

It was Rarity.

“Good day, Twilight Sparkle. Spike.”

She saw the cover of the magazine and gasped.

“Spike! Is that yours?!”

Spike blushed. Had the floor been made of dirt, he would have dug a tunnel out of the room.

“R-Rarity, I...”

“... You haven’t come to page 26 yet, have you?”

“Why... n-No...”

“Oh, thank goodness! Please, Twilight, let us dispose of this filth.”

“I take it from here, girls”, Rainbow Dash said, snatching the magazine out of Twilight’s grip through the open window, like a hawk picking up a squirrel, “I’ll take good care of this. Heh heh...”

“Spike? Is everything alright...?”

“Rarity... Page 26... Rarity... Page 26...”

“Poor thing. Now his brain is failing him completely.”

“That’s just because the blood has rushed to all the wrong places...”

The purple unicorn sighted.

“Pinkie?”

Pinkie Pie appeared seemingly out of thin air.

“Gosh, Twilight! How could you tell I...?”

“You’re Pinkie Pie, let’s leave it that way. It’s a good thing you’re here, too. I’d kindly ask you if you could come up with a punishment for my little assistant here. You’re the most creative when it comes to these things...”

Spike gasped.

“Oh no please don’t no... Not Pinkie!”

“Sorry, little buddy. But reading something that objectifies mares likes this... I can’t let that one slip. So what do you say, Pinkie?”

The pink pony was licking her lips.

“I say I might need Rarity’s help on this one. You like bikins, Spike, don’t you...?”

Error in Persona

“Twilight, why did you ask me to come over again? As much as I appreciate your company, a library isn’t exactly my kind of place when it comes to spend a day off...”

“I know, Applejack. And I’m very glad you agreed to assist me. You see, I am working on my hypnosis spells, and so I need a test subject with an especially strong will. Fluttershy was very kind to help me out earlier, but I’m afraid I need to push my studies a little further...”

Applejack was proudly sticking out her chest. “Strong will? You have come to the right pony. Or rather, the right pony has come to you...”

“No way!” Rainbow Dash made her entry through an open window. I should really keep those closed, Twilight thought. But then she is just going to break the windows. “You’re going to hypnotarize Applejack? Make her do all sorts of wacky stuff? I’ve got to see this!”

“Don’t get you hopes too high, flygirl”, the earth pony snorted, “Twilight, if you manage to bend me to your will, you deserve it. I won’t go easy on you.”

-

One minute later.

“Okay, Applejack. You are now... a wild boar!”

The workhorse darted out into the yard, where she started pulling out weeds, grunting as she covered herself in dirt.

“Awww”, Rainbow Dash complained, “She didn’t change at all! This is what she always does!”

Rarity came by.

“I’m afraid I have to agree with Rainbow Dash, my dear. If you’re going to hypnotize Applejack, you should at least use the occasion to instill her some etiquette.”

Pinkie Pie poofed into existence.

“Naaah! That’s boring! How about this: Hey, Applejack! You’re a disco pony, and you like to dance!”

Applejack started swinging her muscular behind.

“Umz, umz, umz...”

Rainbow Dash burst into laughter. “Now we’re talking! Yeah, baby! Shake that thing!”

“You guys”, Twilight moaned, “That’s not cool. It wasn’t supposed to be like this... This is serious research. Now if you’ll excuse us... Come back inside, Applejack.”

-

When Twilight turned around, Pinkie was standing right in the middle of the room.

“Oh, sure, give me a heart attack, why the hay not...”

“I can help you with your serious research, Twilight! I really can!”

“Sure, Pinkie...”

“No, I mean it! I know a little something about brains!”

“You do?”

Twilight sounded a little more sarcastic than she had intended.

“Mhm. Like, did you know you can’t make a hypnotized person do something she would never agree to do if she was awake?”

“I did.... So you do know one or two things about hypnosis. But what’s your point?”

“Let’s see if we can tackle the boundaries, shall we? Hey Applejack! Throw a cake into my face!”

Applejack was balancing a cake on her right front hoof, though she and Twilight were oblivious as to where it had come from. As soon as Pinkie gave the order, the workhorse grinned, aimed and hit Pinkie with the merchandise.

The pink pony giggled and started licking the exploded cake off her complexion.

Twilight was shaking her head.

“Ooookay. I’m not sure what just happened, but Pinkie, really, I think...”

“Let’s see... Applejack, tell Twilight that you hate her!”

Applejack frowned.

“Now Pinkie, why would I do that? I like Twilight!”

“Sure you do. You wouldn’t hurt her either, would you?”

“Never!”

Her face was now very close to that of the workhorse

“Not even if I gave you a DIRECT ORDER, Soldier?”

Applejack was shaking. She seemed to experience an inner struggle. Finally, she said:

“No, Sir! Pinkie, Sir! No way. On a sidenote... what’s wrong with you?”

“But you would throw a muffin at her, wouldn’t you?”

“Most certainly.”

But as the muffin hit Twilight on the cheek, the purple unicorn didn’t even blink. She was still trying to deal with what had just happened.

“Pinkie...?”

The pink pony was using her incredibly long, muscular tongue to suck cake residues out of her left ear.

“Yef, Twilight?”

“Why... why did you say that?”

“Say what?”

“You know, the horrible things you just said.”

“Geez, Twilight, I didn’t know you hated muffins that much...”

“That’s not what I meant. Before that.”

“So? What else did I say?”

Well, Twilight thought, welcome to creepy town.

Of course there was just one thing a scientist could do when she was confronted with creepiness. That’s right: She had to study it.

“Say, Pinkie... If you don’t mind, I would now like to test this spell on you.”

“That sounds great!”

The party pony was bouncing as if she was made out of rubber.

“This is going to be so exciting! I for once am really, really... “

“Yes, now...”

“Do I sit? Do I lay down? Do I stand on my head? Do I spin around?”

“Just make yourself comfortable. The only important thing is that you calm down and be very still. You think you can do that?”

“Well, da... I’m not a baby, you know. Uh, but now I just have to spin on my head for a little! This will just take a second...”

-

Twilight had closed all the curtains in the main room. The only light source were a few big, perfumed candles.

“Alright, Pinkie. Close your eyes. You’re on a little island in the middle of the ocean. It’s warm and the sun is shining. You are laying on the beach, under a palm tree. Of course you don’t see any of this...”

“Because my eyes are closed!”

“That’s right. But you feel the sun and the shadows on your coat, don’t you? You listen to the waves... and the cries of the seagulls... and the wind as it is passing through the leaves... You smell the salty air...”

“Are there sharks?”

“What?”

“Are there sharks? That’s kinda important.”

“Yes, Pinkie, there are sharks. The waters around the island are full of them, if your eyes were open now, you could see their back fins sticking out of the waves...”

“Awesome...”

“Now you...”

“I hope it's not a coconut tree. Have you any idea how many people are killed each year by coconuts falling on their heads?”

“Coconut trees don’t grow on this side of the island.”

“That’s a relief.”

“The point is, Pinkie, you’re all alone. It’s just you, enjoying a very special vacation. You can still hear me, and when I tell you to wake up, you will. But for now, keep in mind that I’m not actually there. Twilight Sparkle is with the others, far away, in Ponyville.”

“That’s so sad. What am I supposed to do, all by myself?”

Twilight sighted. Okay, this obviously didn’t work. Maybe Pinkie was just one of those ponies who were immune to...

“I mean, I need ponies to do... my stuff...”

Twilight felt a shiver running down her spine. Pinkie’s voice had changed. Her cotton-candy hair seemed to... deflate in front of the unicorn’s eyes. It became plain, and straight. It was absolutely surreal.

Slowly, Pinkie got on her feet. Twilight felt like screaming. This wasn’t part of the spell!

The pink earth pony opened her eyes, and the unicorn was struck by the gaze of a creature more outlandish than anything she had encountered so far.

“Sorry, but I had to get out of there. Nothing to do, you see? Still, now that I’m seeing your cute little face, I’m glad. I might be enjoying my “special vacation” after all.”

Twilight got up as well and took a few steps back.

“Who... who are you?”

“Why, my name is Diane. I am so pleased to finally meet you, Twilight Sparkle. Technically, I already knew you, but you were not aware of me...”

“I had... suspicions.”

“You had nothing”, the pink mare replied dryly. “Say, where do you keep your sharp tools?”

Twilight had a sudden revelation.

“What about Pinkie Pie?”

The creature in front of her looked as if she had tasted something filthy.

“‘Pinkie’? That’s just a construct, an imaginary friend poor little Pinkemina made up when she was just a little filly. She even made a little pink cape for her, isn’t that sickly sweet... ‘Pinkie Pie’, the superpony, the pony who could do everything- even make other ponies happy. Remember the ‘Party of one’? The day of this delicious quiproquo, when she thought you had abandoned her? That day... at least for a few hours... little Pinkemina had decided that ‘Pinkie Pie’ had failed. A small window of opportunity, where I could have taken control. If it had not been for that meddlesome rainbow pegasus, and the rest of your repulsive sunshine-gang... I had plans for Rainbow, you know? For all of you... But you brought Pinkie Pie back.”

Diane sighted.

“I don’t ‘hate’ Pinkie Pie... She’s just getting in the way. A waste of time. I’m the part of Pinkemina who’s all grown up. The part who knows how to deal with pain. How to share it. I can think properly, once I’m out of the labyrinth in her brain... I know that the only thing Pinkemina needs to know about life is... how to dissect it.”

Twilight was shaking all over, but she did her best to control herself. She was surprised how calm her voice sounded when she said:

“What, that’s it? That’s your conclusion, Diane? That’s pretty juvenile if you ask me. You sure you’re the grown-up part?”

Diane grinned. Combined with her dark, lifeless eyes, this made her look more like a shark than a pony. A pink shark, no less.

“Let’s just say I have come up with a better way to make everyone happy... It’s a well-known fact that you can only really appreciate the value of things when you have lost them, or when you’re about to lose them... Your friends... your health... your sanity... your life...”

Diane giggled.

“And don’t worry about the sharp tools. I found them.”

Suddenly, Diane was balancing a large paper knife on her right front hoof.

“W-where did you... ?”

Diane was licking her lips.

“Anything Pinkie can do, I can do better.”

“T-this has gone far enough”, Twilight said, “I’m sorry. I should never have tried this. But now it’s time to... wake up!”

Diane chuckled.

“Oh, poeh-leeease. You didn’t really think that would work, did you?”

She was licking the knife, and a tiny drop of blood fell to the floor.

“I am already awake.”

Twilight was trying to take the paper knife away with pyschokinesis. Her horn didn’t even glow.

“That’s another funny thing. When I’m around, unicorn ponies are too scared to even use their magic. Isn’t that silly?”

Oh, I believe you, Twilight thought. It wasn’t just what Diane said or did, it was the way she was talking, the way she was moving... In her presence, your blood seemed to turn into ice.

-

The candles went out.

Twilight squealed as her hooves were trapped in slings she had just stumbled into. She was pulled up, until she was hanging in the air in a vertical position. Her soft belly being disturbingly vulnerable and inviting, while she was unable to move. And now she couldn’t even see her predator anymore.

“What... no... this can’t be... these weren’t here before!”

“A magician never reveals her secrets. And make no mistake, Sparkle, I need none of your fancy unicorn hocus pocus. Pinkie and I, we have our little tricks. But as I said: mine are better.”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“You’re gonna laugh. I need you to study. I’m afraid I might have gotten a little rusty after all these years down in Pinkie’s filthy brain-guts. This is going to take a while. I need to check that all the organs are still in place, all these pesky little nerve endings. I have to be able to do find them all, even in the dark, even on short notice... This is going to be very educational to us both, Miss Sparkle. I hope you’ll enjoy the ride. I know I will.”

Twilight was closing her eyes, bracing herself for the first strike. Finally, she was crying. The tears were dropping from her cheeks or running over her body.

Through the darkness, a hoof was reaching for Twilight’s face, gently caressing her cheek.

“Yesss... the first tears... If only you knew how important they are...”

And then Diane said: “Ouch.”

I sounded as if a heavy object had just fallen on her head.

-

Twilight dropped to the floor.

When she looked up, Spike was standing in front of her. The door was open, and sunlight was flooding into the room.

“Geez. Do I even want to know what you’ve been doing all day? So I just take my time with the groceries, and you...”

“S-Spike...”, Twilight reached for him with her hooves, “P-Pinkie... run... “

“Looks like I have come just in time.”

Ignoring her further, feeble attempts to warn him, the little dragon patroled through the room, pulling back the curtains.

“Wow. That’s a pretty big bump. What did you do to her head?”

He had just discovered Pinkemina, laying unconscious in the middle of the room. Her hair was puffy and curly again.

And next to her on the floor, there was a coconut.

-

Spike made them tea. Twilight tried to calm down, but again and again, she would stare at Pinkie, looking for signs of... the other. But thankfully and magically enough, the pink pony had returned to her normal self. If that's what it really was.

As usual, Pinkie was in a good mood, though still a little dizzy from her encounter with the coconut.

“Say”, Pinkie suddenly said, “Where’s Applejack?”

Twilight’s face was blank.

“Applejack! I forgot all about her! I didn’t even wake her up!”

Spike sat down next to the fillies, eating the very muffin Applejack had thrown at Twilight earlier.

“AJ? Why, I just saw her hanging out with Rainbow Dash. They seem to be having a great time. She looked a little strange, though, a little derpy-like... “

tummy doom

“I must say, these cupcakes are delicious as always.”

“No one beats Pinkie when it comes to cupcakes. Hey, Rainbow, why don’t you have some?”

The blue pegasus looked at the cute basket full of baked goods, then at her friends.

“I don’t know, you guys... There is something about Pinkie’s cupcakes that always gets me a little... ‘Uuuuh’.”

Applejack laughed.

“Now there, that’s just silly talking! You should really have some. Look, this one is even rainbow-colored...”

“That’s what I find so disturbing”, Rainbow mumbled, “Ah well. Here goes nothing.”

She had to agree, these were good cupcakes.

-

The five ponies were relaxing on the blanket, digesting their opulent picnic. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were playing cards.

“Say... Where is Pinkie Pie, anyway?”

“She said she would join us later, she had to check on something...”

“Maybe we should have left some cupcakes for her.”

“Naaah. She is eating these things all day. Hey, look everypony! There she comes! Howdy, sugar cube! What took you so long?”

Pinkie Pie was trying to catch her breath.

“...Cupcakes...”

“Yeah, they were great. But you’re a little too late to...”

“...Evil...”

The other five ponies frowned.

“Evil cupcakes...? That sounds unlikely, even coming out of your mouth...”

Pinkie took a deep breath.

“You guys, I have to tell you something. The ingredients I used to make the cupcakes for our picnic, they were kinda... contaminated.”

Applejack let her cards fall. Rainbow, as shocked by these developments as her friends, still used the occasion for a little peek.

“Now, when you say ‘contaminated’...”

“There were eggs in them. Teensy weensy peensy parasite eggs. That are gonna hatch in your tummies. But I think they already have by now...”

Rarity was turning green. She ran behind a tree to empty her stomach. Pinkie was shaking her head.

“I don’t think that’s going to do you any good...”

The other ponies were still under shock, when Applejack suddenly shrugged and said.

“So we gots tummy parasites. Big deal.”

“BIG DEAL?”, Rarity said, sticking her head out from behind the vegetation, “How can you be so nonchalant about this?”

Applejack grinned.

“I’m a farm pony, remember? We catch all kinds of little critters all the time, it’s part of the job. Why, just last week, I had this crazy bump growing on my ear, and...”

“ I SENSE TOO MUCH INFORMATION AHEAD!”

“Look, girls, the point is: A little parasitian is nothing a normally built pony can’t handle. Granny Smith knows some powerful weeds what go through your tummy like a broom, we have trained medical professionals in Ponyville, and if nothing else helps, we can still go see Zecora. Though I must say, if I have to pick between a parasite and zebra voodoo, I’m kinda undecided...”

“Oh Pinkie Pie”, Rarity moaned, “How could you do this to us?”

“Simple”, the party pony said, “All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix...”

“Pinkie”, Twilight Sparkle said, “What kind of parasite are we talking about?”

“We received a warning from our furnisher, he called this critter ‘morgellongus amongus’. Said it wiped out his entire village, isn’t that crazy?”

“Well, at least now we know what it...” Twilight paused. “Did you say ‘wiped out’?”

“I guess I did, and if not, I should have.”

“So now you’re telling us this thing is deadly.”

“Pretty deadly, yes. He said they grow up to ten meters long, and then they tunnel through your flesh and go on a rampage to find new victims and spray their eggs around...”

This took a few seconds to sink in.

Applejack jumped on her hooves.

“Pinkie! How could you DO this to us?”

“Simple”, the party pony said, “All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix...”

Fluttershy started crying.

“Pinkie”, Twilight said, “Did the furnisher say anything about a cure?”

“Not really. His letter ended in lots of scrawly lines and body fluids...”

“Zecora. NOW.”

-

“Wow... this is not quite what I expected.”

The ponies were locked up in a white, sealed dome. From time to time, Zecora was checking on them through a tiny porthole. She was wearing a futuristic biohazard-suit.

Applejack sighted.

“That’s a fine mess you have gotten us into this time, Pinkie Pie. Still, it’s mighty neighbourly from you to keep us company.”

“Oh please, that’s the least I can do. If you will be devoured by lovecraftian parasites, I want to be devoured with you.”

Rarity was beating against the walls of the dome.

“ZECORA! You have to open this thing! You’ve got to let Sweetie Belle out!”

The zebra peeked inside. They could not hear her, but judging by her lip movements, she was saying something that rhymed.

Sweetie Belle beamed.

“I’m not leaving your side, sis!”

“How did you even make it in here in the first place?”

“A magician never reveals her secrets.”

Pinkie chuckeld. “I like that kid!”

“And I guess you couldn’t teleport her out of here, Twilight Sparkle...”

Twilight was shaking her head. The dome was spell-proof.

“Guess we’ll just have to wait until Zecora finds a cure... Uuuuh...”

Her belly was making awful noises. Soon, the guts of the others joined the concert, except for the two non-infected ponies.

Sweetie Belle was putting one ear on her sister’s side.

“This is so cool... Awww, Rarity, don’t cry...”

“Clock is ticking”, Twilight said, “Oh girls... After all these years of studying and magical adventures, the thought that my life might end at the tentacles of something growing inside my...”

“I know what you mean”, Rainbow said, “I always figured I would end in some really cool freak accident, before the incredulous eyes of millions of ponies...”

“...I always thought I might perish due to... zoological causes. So, you know. I guess I’m the one who should be the least upset”, Fluttershy added.

Rarity was sobbing the loudest. “My dresses! My wonderful compositions! No one will want to wear them anymore when they hear of my filthy fate! They will meet nothing but disgust, and I will forever be forgotten...”

“Well I ain’t going down without a fight”, Applejack said. She started punching her own bloated stomach. “Take this! And that! And now some... Ouch.”

“Applejack, what would you say if I was the one doing that?”, Rainbow asked.

The workhorse sighted. “I’d probably call you a featherbrain. Geez, I really hope...”

“RARITY!”

Sweetie Belle’s cry made them all jump.

The white unicorn was rolling on the floor, her belly moving as if it was filled with fighting cats. Her face was a grimace of pain.

“Oh dear Celestia, it’s starting...”

-

Someone was knocking at the dome. The ponies looked up, and the faces of Mr. and Mrs Cake appeared in the porthole.

Twilight concentrated on reading their lips. She gasped.

“I don’t believe this...”

-

It was so good to be outside again, breathing air that was perfumed by a myriad different smells.

“So... I want to be absolutely clear about this”, Applejack said, “We were never actually infected.”

“Nope”, Twilight laughed, “It was all just in our heads. Tummys. Whatever.”

“That’s right”, Mrs Cake said, “The contaminated ingredients are still safely locked up in our storage room. Mr Cake and me, we put them aside as soon as we laid eyes on them. If you’re in this business as long as we are, you develop certain... instincts. Young Pinkemina just found the letter, and I guess she... panicked.”

“Please show us the ingredients, Mrs Cake. We will dispose of them them right away”, Twilight said.

“Oh dear, you don’t have to...”

“No, we insist”, Rarity was shaking her head, “We can only sleep peacefully if they are destroyed by our own hooves.”

Mrs Cake opened the storage room. And then she screamed.

“They are GONE!”

The ponies were paralyzed in shock.

“Uh-oh”, Pinkie said.

“What now?”

“You were talking about these ingredients?”

“...Yes?”

“Mhm. I guess that makes sense. They looked kinda strange to me. So I used them for cupcakes I was going to eat myself. No use letting go something to waste, eh?”

Twilight was trying to keep her calm.

“So YOU ingested all the eggs. Is that what you’re saying?”

“I guess so.”

“But you...”

Pinkie burped.

“X’cuse me.”

She burped again.

“Re-X’cuse me.”

Everyone stepped back as she opened her mouth, as if she was going to...

Slowly, a large, worm-like creature was gliding out of her throat.

It looked sick, dying even. As they stared at it, it started talking.

“The horror.... THE HORROR! There were so many of us, and now, I’m the only one left... Crunched... suffocated... digested... Enzymes to the left, enzymes to the right! Burning heat, evil gas demons... Entire oceans of boiling acid! And then the bouncing, the horrible bouncing...”

“...There, there...”, Fluttershy said, “You poor thing...”

Then she took the creature to her cottage to nurse it back to health.

raisins for Cuckoolhu

“Let’s start with a simple observation: Some ponies like raisins. Some ponies don’t. Some ponies go through great lengths to get their daily fix, others waste the whole morning picking their muesli or their raisin buns out of fear even one lousy raisin might find its way down their throats- and let me tell you, that’s difficult to do if you have only one toe on every leg.

I, Pinkie Pie, vowed to end this madness once for all!

How?, you may ask. Simple. If some ponies think there are too many raisins, and others think there aren’t enough to go around, the solution should be obvious!

That’s right! The PINKEMINA RAISIN-TRON 3000 (patent pending)!”

Pinkie Pie pushed a button on her remote control to activate a video projector.

“As you can see in this footage, the Raisintron strikes quickly and mercilessly, for his quest is a quest of justice! A quest of truth! A quest of honor...”

We see a kitchen table with a pony family having their breakfast. The foals are crying. The mother is looking depressed, tired. She seems to be pouring herself a glass of wine. The father is trying to eliminate the raisins from his muesli bowl, but unable to catch them all without spilling everything, he is getting angry, stomping and screaming, even though we can’t tell since it is a silent movie.

Suddenly, a small floating robot is breaking through a kitchen window. With countless metal arms, the machine is reaching into the muesli and the raisin buns. Within seconds, the kitchen is raisin-free. We can’t hear the family cheer, again, it’s a silent movie, but they sure look happy. If you can read lips (or if you just read the subtitles), you see that they are chanting “THANK YOU, RAISINTRON 3000!” as the robot is buzzing off, breaking another window. For some reason, he is also abducting the family cat.

“Now, you might wonder: Pinkie, that’s wonderful, but what about those ponies who would like to have MORE raisins? That’s a good question! You see, the Raisintron 3000 (patent pending) doesn’t only collect raisins, he can also distribute them to ponies in need! Just as he is patroling every house for ponies who got too much, he is visiting those who don’t have enough! We at P-Pie Industries call this the ‘Raisin Hood’-principle.”

There were more pressing matters, but still, there was one thing Twilight Sparkle simply had to get off her chest right away.

“Pinkie... who in their right mind would want to eat raisins extracted from another pony’s meal by an angry robot?”

“Who wouldn’t? HEY TRONNY! Mama needs a refill!”

Pinkie Pie was swinging a huge, empty mug. The flying robot darted to her position and started vomiting raisins until she seemed satisfied.

“That’s a goood boy”. She emptied the mug in one go. “Now go look for more!”

The camera eyes of the robot and those of the purple unicorn met. The machine couldn’t talk, but still, the pony thought it looked as if it was trying to say: “It’s a living.”

Twilight nodded. That made sense. In a very Pinkie Pie-kind of way.

“Alright. I have another question.”

“I’m all ear!”

“How is that going to help us keep the evil lord Cuckoolhu and his army from invading and destroying our world?”

Pinkie turned around. Behind her, the other ponies were fighting a gigantic feathered tentacle monster that was trying to creep into the library’s basement through a demonic portal.

“Oh that. Ask him if he likes raisins.”

It turned out he did.

dental scare

Twilight smiled.

“Wow. Pinkie, I love all of your parties, but this one, I also approve of.”

“Thanks, Twilight. That means a lot to me. Also, I couldn’t have done this without you. This is your big day.”

-

Educationfest. A whole day dedicated to transmitting knowledge through fun and games.

Twilight had planned to start a Pony History Club. To put it mildly, it hadn’t become quite as popular as she had expected. Her friends and the Cutie Mark Crusaders had shown up, as well as Snips and Snails- though she suspected that these last two had been persuaded by semi-legal means.

She had talked to Pinkie in hope for consolation. As always, Pinkie had managed to cheer her up. Which was good. Then the party pony had come up with a plan. Which was slightly disturbing. But it had been easy for Pinkie to convince her friend that an educational party was exactly what the unicorn’s heart desired. Pinkie could be very convincing, which was also the reason why even after all these years and rumors, there were ponies willing to try her special cupcakes.

Several streets and alleys in Ponyville were now invaded by science and history-themed stands and attractions. The costume plays and puppet theaters were especially popular. Twilight herself was wearing her Star Swirl The Bearded -costume again, and this time, ponies could actually recognize who she was supposed to be.

Pinkie Pie jumped.

“Uh! Twilight! I’m going to be late! I have to teach the kids about dental hygiene!”

Twilight chuckled.

“Alright. See you around. Knock'em out.”

-

Pinkie Pie appeared in front of her audience, wearing a top hat.

“Hi kids!!”

“Hi Pinkie Pie!!”

The little red tent was full of foals. None of them was that interested in dental hygiene, but Pinkie Pie was an attraction all by herself.

There was one guest however who was sticking out. It was the suicidal colt without a cutie mark, which the inhabitants of Ponyville had come to think of as “Blank Flank”.

“What am I even doing here? I’m not a kid anymore!”

“Ooooh”, Pinkie said, “This fine gentlecolt thinks he’s too good for us. What do you think of that, folks?”

“Booooooh!”

“Hey! I don’t think I...”, Blank Flank protested, “Ah, well. Whatever.”

He settled down, avoiding the reproachful stares of the foals.

Pinkie chuckled.

“Kids, meet Dr. Blue Gum, Ponyville’s very own dentist!”

The cheer for the doctor was much less enthusiastic and much more polite. Blue Gum didn’t worry about that, she was used to it.

“Hey kids! Today me and my assistant are going to teach you how important it is to always brush your teeth! Ready, Pinkie?”

“I sure am!”

The doctor pretended to be checking Pinkie’s teeth.

“You know, Docff, yo really fouldn’t look a gift horfe in the mouf!”

The kids giggled, clearly captivated by what was going on.

“But Pinkie, that’s my job! That’s the only way for me to tell whether your teeth are healthy. Oh, my.”

“Oh, my?”

“It would seem as if you haven’t been brushing your teeth lately. I think I’m seeing... the caries.”

“Carieff?”

“Yes, Pinkie. That’s when tiny creatures in your mouth are putting ugly, black holes into your teeth.”

“Docff, tell me, I can take it... Am I a goner?”

The children gasped.

“Oh no, Pinkie. But I’m afraid I’ll have to use the drill. Otherwise, it might get worse and worse, and the caries will get all your teeth...”

“Oh no! But then I can only eat boring old oatmeal all day!”

That was bad. Everyone knew how Pinkie Pie loved to eat just about anything BUT boring old oatmeal.

“That’s right. So what do you think? Should I get started with the drilling?”

“What are you waiting for, Doctor?! Use mine!!”

Pinkie pulled a drill out of her top hat. The children first screamed, then they laughed. Pinkie’s drill resembled a medium-sized jackhammer.

The dentist laughed as well.

“No, Pinkie. As a professional, I have my own drill.”

She showed Pinkie and the audience her dentist tools. Everyone admired the size difference between the tiny instruments and Pinkie’s preposterous monstrosity.

“You see, kids, if a dentist has to use her instruments, it can be scary at first, but loosing all your teeth is much, much worse!”

“You say it, Doc! I would have you drill any day, if that means I can keep my teeth! I need them! I love 'em! Bring it on!”

“Well, I have a surprise for you today, Pinkie... It was only a test! Your teeth are perfect! You are taking good care of them. Well done.”

The dentist brought forth a magnifying mirror, so that everyone could admire Pinkie’s large, white teeth.

“Say, Pinkie, as a professional, I am intrigued. How do you keep your teeth so clean and strong?”

“Easy peasy! I brush them every day! At least twice! And that’s important, since I work at Sugar Cube Corner, quite an occupational hazard!”

“That’s right, kids! Sugar is very dangerous for your teeth. That’s why Pinkie and all the other ponies who like sweets need to be extra careful.”

“And I sure am! Let me show you!”

Everpony admired Pinkie’s dental routine. Even though they flinched occasionally.

“Ta-Daa! That’s how you get teeth like mine! And look what a set of healthy teeth can do: this is from my last vacation...”

She presented a surf board to the crowd. A huge chunk of it was bitten off by some powerful maw.

“Wow”, Blank Flank said, “Was that a shark attack?”

“Shark? No, silly! I was just wondering what a surf board tastes like.”

It was a hoot.

“Now, kids, Dr. Blue Gum is going to show us what happens if ponies don’t brush their teeth or are too scared to go to the dentist for their checkup... “

Blue Gum was launching a slide show. The audience watched, their faces turning into grimaces of terror. Shadows were dancing through  the tent. Nightmarish images of death and decay were reflected in the foal's big, wide-open eyes. Finally, the last picture vanished, and it was dark and quiet in the tent.

“Boo”, Pinkie said.

All the kids, as well as Blank Flank, were gallopping out into the light, screaming with all the force of their lungs.

-

After a while, they had calmed down and moved over to the next tent: ‘Pinkie Pie presents- the wonders of surgery!’.

Sickly Sweet

(I need your help with this one, horses and bipeds. I have no intention to offend people who suffer from very real diseases. If you think this text is not only as random as the others, but also randomly hurtful, please tell me so I can take it down)

“Hi!!”

“Don’t you ‘Hi’ me, MISSY!”

The overweight colt didn’t even make it through the door of Sugar Cube Corner on his own. He got stuck.

“Some help here?!”

“You want me to bring you some butter?”

“That would be nice, yes.”

With the assistance of a few curious bystanders, Pinkie Pie managed to squeeze the red earth pony stallion into the store.

“So, what can I do for you, sir?”

“The question would rather be: What could you UN-do for me?”

“Boy, have you come to the right place! I’m mighty good at un-doing things. I undo ties, I even undo ancient demon lords! And lemon lords. Once I undid the president of a foreign country, but that was an accident. No one seemed to mind, mind you...”

The colt grunted, growing impatient.

“I eat here at Sugar Cube Corner every day!”

“Sure you do! You’re one of our best customers, we even have a picture of you on the wall, see that? Customer of the month! Twelve months in a row! And may I add, even if I had forgotten your face for whatever grotesque reason, I could identify your diet just by looking at your... pudge. Which you grow by eating fudge. And now you can hardly budge, maybe that’s why you’re carrying a grudge- in addition to the pudge.”

“Yeah, very nice. Listen, girly. The doc just gave me a checkup. Guess what? You got me diabetes.”

Pinkie Pie frowned.

“Gosh, I didn’t even know we were selling that sort of thing.”

“You are! It’s in your horrible food!”

“Hold it right there, mister! Our food is AWESOME. That’s scientifically proven. And we certainly don’t put any alzheimers in it!”

“Diabetes. And yes, you do! Eating your filth gave me diabetes!”

“Aha! So it was your EATING of our food that did the deed! The food itself is perfectly innocent. Quod erat nosferatu.”

“Ha!”, the colt got even more red as he tried to lean forward, his voice shaking with triumph, “That’s where you’re wrong again! It was, in fact, YOUR eating of YOUR food that made me sick!”

Pinkie was staring at the customer’s pudge.

“Geee, so that’s where all the calories went... I had no idea I had a teleporter for a tummy. Guess I should have that looked at...”

She tentatively started massaging her belly.

The colt looked as if he was going to explode any second now.

“NO! LISTEN to me, mare! I read your stupid BOOK! Your so-called food counselor! I based my whole diet on that devilish tome of LIES!”

He reached into his rolls of flab and produced a book with Pinkie Pie’s face on the cover. It was a little sticky.

“‘Pinkie Pie’s Fun and Healthy Eating’! What an awful joke! Now listen closely: I’m going to sue your flank, as well as this rotten candy store, unless... wait, I have a list with demands somewhere in here...”

“Sir”, Pinkie said, “We bake our baked goods according to the established standards and regulations- at least those which are for sale. My book is not affiliated with Sugar Cube Corner, which, may I remind you, is firmly in the hooves of Mr and Mrs Cake, so a bad counsel from the book can not be the basis for a claim against the Cakes. Finally, you say you have followed the book by the letter?”

“You bet I have!”

“How strange, then, that you seem to have missed the most important thing... Would you read the title to me again?”

“Hm! ‘Pinkie Pie’s Fun and Healthy Eating’...”

He hesitated. There was a second line in the title he had never paid any attention to.

“By Pinkemina Diane Pie, for Pinkemina Diane Pie...”

“That’s right. Every advice given in this book is an advice FROM me, FOR me. And nopony else. Hay, if anypony else truly followed these rules, it would make’em sick! (They’d get diabetes, or something!)”

The colt was flabbergasted.

“That doesn’t even make any sense! Why would you publish a book if you’re supposed to be the only one reading it...?”

“Hellooo? I wouldn’t follow the advice of some random mare who isn’t even published!”

The colt sank down to the floor (he didn’t get far, his bulbber being in the way), exhausted.

“But I still have a horrible disease...”

“No worries. I can fix that.”

“You CAN?”

“Sure. Faster than you can say Ph'nglui mglw'nafh *Cuckoolhu** R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn*!”

WHAT did you just call her?

Blank Flank, the pony without a cutie mark, was running through the streets of Ponyville, scared silly by something that was chasing him. Again and again, he would look up over his shoulder. Finally, a menacing shadow descended upon him, and as he screamed with a high-pinched voice, he was lifted up into the air.

-

Blank Flank was flung into a nearby building, shattering a window.

When he got up and looked around, he saw that he had landed in somepony’s bedroom.

And judging by the color choices...

“Hi!!”

Of course. It was Pinkie Pie’s bedroom, on top of Sugar Cube Corner.

She was in her bed, only her head and her front legs sticking out from under the blanket, but she wasn’t alone. In fact, most of the space in her bed was taken by a large, brown stallion with a yellow mane. He was slowly chewing on a candy cane, and overall, he looked quite relaxed and pleased with himself.

“How nice of you to visit, Flankie! How are you doing?”

“I... well...”

“Uh! Blank Flank. This fine gentlecolt is Mr. Banana Cake, the nephew of Mr. or Ms. Cake!”

“Nice to meet you...”

The two colts were shaking hooves. Blank Flank’s sudden appearance in the bedroom didn’t seem to startle the muscular and stoic colt in the slightest.

“You know, Flankie, his parents called him ‘Banana Cake’ long before he hit puberty, well, DUH, but I tell you, that was one lucky guess if there ever was one!”

Blank Flank's face turned red, fully realizing for the first time what he had stumbled into. “Uh, that’s... nice.”

“Sooo, Flankie, what brings you to this questionable corner of town? Is it normal for you to enter through the windows?”

“I... ahem... It was sortof an accident... I better get going.”

“An accident that sends you flying through the air? I wanna have an accident like that!”

Before Blank Flank could come up with a reply, three big pegasus stallions appeared in the broken window.

“There you are, dork-ball. We’re not done playing yet. Get out here!”

The leader of the colts reached through the window to grab Blank Flank by his hind hooves.

“Uh!”, Pinkie said, “Are you playing a game?! I love games! Can I play?”

The pegasus had entered the room. He had squished Blank Flank into a fleshy sphere and started dribbling him as if he were a basket ball.

“It’s called DORK-BALL. And it’s all about PAIN!”

“Awww... I don’t think my friend Flankie is all that fond of pain. Maybe you should just leave him alone?”

“Stay out of this, Missy.”

“Oh yeah? As soon as you stay out of my bedroom, you jerk!”

Mr. Banana Cake was about to leave the bed, his expression suggesting that he planned on beating the pegasus to a pulp for offending the lady, but Pinkie was just shaking her head, holding him back. She would deal with this Pinkie Pie-style.

The pink earth pony climbed out of the bed, stomping towards the intruder.

“Well, what are you waiting for, PUNK? Out, I said!”

She grabbed Blank Flank’s tail and pulled him away from the pegasus.

The big colt grinned and pulled his victim back to his side.

“Well, well, well... What do you know. So it would seem the sickly loser here needs a little filly to protect him... Who are you to give me orders, you little pink fluffball?”

He turned around to invite his two friends.

“Hey, holeasses! Get in here. I came up with a new game: FLUFFBALL.”

He was licking his lips.

“Though I’m sure you are already quite familiar with THAT game, you filthy pink whorse... Well this is what you get for letting every dork into your bedroom...”

Pinkie was counting to three in her head.

“WHAT did you just call her?”

The angry grunt from beneath his hooves made the pegasus jump. Blank Flank’s eyes were red with anger.

“WHAT did you just call her?!”

"You see, it was kind of a play with words, combining the word "horse" and..."

In one swift move, Blank Flank darted up and flung the bully out of the window- and himself with him.

-

A few hours later, Pinkie Pie found the mangled remains of Blank Flank somewhere in a ditch.

“Hi! How are you doing?”

“...It feels exactly the way it looks like...”

“Were did the jerks go?”

“...Back home, I guess. They got tired and bored when I was hurt too much to scream...”

“So... why did you decide to finally stand up to them?”

Blank Flank’s twisted face managed to produce a smile.

Late at night

It was silent except for the winter wind and the occasional rain shower on the roof of the tavern. Twilight Sparkle was wide awake, while her friends were snoring gently all around her.

The purple unicorn had always thought of the sound of raindrops on the roof as something pleasant and soothing. So what had woken her up?

She rolled over and tried to find a more comfortable position, but she wasn’t able to fall asleep again. Something wasn’t right.

Finally, she crawled out of her bed. She decided to check on her friends, using her magic to shed some light.

She went from bed to bed. There was Applejack, sleeping like a rock, her stetson on one of the bedposts. Rainbow Dash tangled in her bedsheets, upside down. Rarity wearing her sleep mask. Fluttershy hugging her pillow, probably dreaming of bunnies.

No Pinkie Pie.

The bed of the pink earth pony was empty. Maybe she had just gotten up because she was thirsty- or the exact opposite, an excess of liquid. But somehow Twilight didn’t believe that. Somehow the idea that Pinkie was wandering around at night all by herself made Twilight feel very uncomfortable.

A sudden noise coming from downstairs made Twilight jump. Slowly, she walked out of the room and down into the hall.

“Pinkie...?”, she whispered.

Just look at yourself! You are Princess Celestia’s most talented student, one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria! You have defeated monsters and ancient demons. You can deal with this.

But another voice in her head said:

You are just an egghead who got lucky. This creature is smarter than you. Not smart like a student of magic. Smart like a predator. And you are just a little filly, both vulnerable and tempting in the eyes of a monster like her.

It was as she had suspected. The sound came from the open tavern door, swaying in the wind.

She is out there, Twilight thought, she is out there right now. Is this a trap? Then again: Is there any safe place when she’s around?

The unicorn pony stepped out into the tavern’s courtyard. The wind was playing with her night gown, as if to mock her.

-

There were many gloomy taverns like this one along the roads leading through the dark, forested hills near Pferdfurt, a small northern town the mane six had visited for their last mission. The locals as well as the regional cuisine would have taken some time to get used to, time the six fillies were glad they had not to spend in these parts. They were already on their way back home. But they still had a long way to travel.

There had been complications along the road, as adventurers tended to be a magnet for trouble. But Twilight knew all too well that this new challenge was far beyond mere “trouble”.

The courtyard was covered in cobblestones, following the local tradition, and in the middle, there was a fountain with a statue.

And on the statue, there was Diane Pie, sitting up there like some sort of freakish monkey.

There was something in her mouth. The unicorn realized it was a knife, dripping with blood. Somehow, this didn’t surprise her.

The pink earth pony opened her mouth and allowed the blade to drop down into the fountain.

“Good evening, Twilight Sparkle.”

“So you are back.”

“I never left. Pinkie Pie is strong, but now that you have awoken me, I will find my way out of her brain. Again, and again, and again. I can’t stay in control for long, I can’t do everything I want,  but I’m working on it. I’m practicing, Twilight.”

“Who... who’s blood was that on the knife?”

Diane flashed her teeth.

“You are worried I might have chopped up one of the natives, aren’t you? Alas, no such luck. I had to settle for a more... prosaic target.”

The straight-maned earth pony was licking her lips.

“When I’m coming for you, I want to be sure I’ll have enough time to enjoy it. Babysteps, Twilight. One night, Pinkie Pie will fall asleep and never wake up again. And that night will be a very special night for the both of us.”

As scared as Twilight was, she didn’t back down.

“You didn’t answer my question. Where did the blood on the knife come from, Diane? What did you do?”

Diane’s grin grew even larger.

“Here’s a hint...”

Then she produced a “Meow” so lifelike it sounded as if Diane was an surreal, oversized cat wearing a pink pony costume.

From one second to the next, Diane was gone.

Twilight didn’t turn around. She felt Diane’s breath on her neck.

(“By the way...”), the monster whispered, (“Before I have to go back to sleep, I’ll leave a little present for sweet Miss Fluttershy.”)

And then she had vanished again.

-

Twilight almost screamed when she got back into their room in the tavern.

Fluttershy’s bed was soaked in blood. The unicorn pony assumed the worst, but then she saw the tiny disembodied head on the blanket. It was the cat of the innkeeper. Fluttershy herself seemed to be fine, still sleeping, though the smell and stickyness of the drying blood were making her restless. When the yellow pegasus opened her eyes, Twilight immediately cast a powerful sleep spell on her. It worked just fine.

The unicorn spent the following hours cleaning up Diane’s “present”, as quietly and thoroughly as possible.

-

She had been so preoccupied with this grim task that she had forgotten all about Pinkie.

When she finally checked on her, she found the pink earth pony happily asleep in her bed, her mane back to its trade-mark fluffyness. She looked so peaceful, so childlike. But there was still blood on her hooves. Twilight would have to clean that as well.

I know when Diane is coming, Twilight thought, I can feel it. If I can just stay with Pinkie... watch over her... Maybe we’ll be alright...

She was looking at her friend for several minutes. Finally, she slipped under the earth pony’s blanket, putting her front legs around her. This, of course, woke Pinkie Pie up.

(“Hi!!”)

(“Hey Pinkie Pie... is it okay if I sleep here with you tonight? I had a nightmare...”)

(“No problemo! You want me to sing you a lullaby, so you’ll dream of nice things?”)

(“Wouldn’t that wake the others?”)

(“Then I’ll hum it into your ear instead.”)

Before Twilight fell asleep, inhaling the sweet smell of Pinkie Pie’s coat, she thought:

Tomorrow, I have to talk to Applejack. I can’t do this all by myself.

Hoofland Security, or: Swing a spell

“Goodbye Foreignistan, and hellooo sweet Equestria! Am I glad to be back!”

Rainbow Dash marched into the border station like a one-pony army hungry for conquest.

“Hold it right there!! Where do ya think ya goin’?!”

A colt wearing a uniform jumped in front of the blue pegasus and pushed her back a few steps.

“Hey? What gives!” Rainbow Dash protested.

“HOOFLAND SECURITY! Get behind the red line! You ain’t puttin’ no hoof on Equestrian soil until after you pass the controls one by one.”

“Alright, alright. Geez.”

“You bet it’s alright.”

The six fillies gathered behind the line, unsure what they were supposed to expect.

“Open these saddlepacks. And I mean a minute ago.”

The young ponies did as they were told, though decided to ignore the part requiring time-travel. The colts put their stuff aside on one big pile. After that, they snatched the empty luggage and started tearing it apart.

“What on Earth?!”, Rarity whined, “This sac-à-dos has been manufactured in Pearis! How can you commit such a crime against fashion?”

“SHUT UP. You’re talking all fancy-like, but we know of all of yah dirty shenenigans. You ain’t getting anything unlegal or terroristish past this particular outpost, no sir.”

Twilight Sparkle was shocked.

“Sir, there must be some sort of misunderstanding... If you just let me get the papers from my bag... You see, we were on an important Canterlot mission, sent by Princess Celestia herself...”

“Do I look like I care? In these parts, we do things a little differently.”

Twilight frowned. From the corner of her eye, she noticed that a young border guard was examining one of her books, obviously wondering what he was looking at. He was holding it upside down.

“You don’t say.”

-

It took the guards over an hour going through their luggage, destroying everything that looked even remotely suspicious to them. Which apparently included toothpaste. And hay sandwiches.

“Alright then. Proceed to the next checkpoint.”

“Thank you.That’s too kind”, Twilight said.

They passed the “checkpoint”. This part was every bit as humiliating as the previous one. The border ponies were using sticks and even their bare hooves to go through the fillies’ manes and tails. They looked into their mouths and examined their hooves.

They were comparing the appearance of the mares with the pictures in their passports,  always sceptical, telling them to smile, to turn around, to stand on their heads.

When it was Pinkie's turn, the guard took just one look at her passport and pressed a red button on his desk. A trapdoor opened beneath the earth pony, and she was swallowed by the darkness.

"Weeeeeeee!! It's a slide...!!"

-

Then came the questions.

“Have you come to this country to assas... assad... viciously murder Princess Celestia, our beloved ruler?”

Twilight loved rules and procedures. Normally, she wouldn’t have questioned anypony using a checklist for their work. But she was tired, and felt somewhat responsible for the humiliation of her friends. She was their leader. The fillies had followed her to far away lands, believing they were agents of Canterlot on a great and honorable mission. Twilight had lead them right into a place where they were treated like dirt. And she didn't even know what they were doing to Pinkie Pie yet.

“This is beyond ridiculous... If Celestia knew about the way you are treating us, she would...”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

“No. No I have not come here to assassinate my beloved mentor, who was like a mother to me.”

“I’ll mark that as a ‘maybe’, smartdonkey... Get out of the line.”

“Sure. Whatever.”

Applejack passed, perhaps because of her accent. The other fillies were lead to a nearby area for further interrogation.

The mare responsible for this part was shaking her head in disgust.

“Ah would not believe it had Ah not to look at it with mah very own eyes... Ah’m supposed to let critters like that cross over into mah homeland... Alright then. You there. Yes, the feathered one. C’m here. Cavity search.”

Rainbow Dash turned pale.

“Beg pardon?”

“You hurd me. CAVITY SEARCH. Move your flank into position.”

Rainbow was shaking her head with all her might.

“Uh-uh!”

“YOU DO AS YAH TOLD!”

“I’m a pony! I’m a citizen of Equestria! You can’t do this to me!”

“Until you pass this fine station, you are nothing but foreign SCUM, as far as Ah’m concerned. And Ah can do to foreign scum WHATEVER damn pleases me.”

“No way! Buck this! I’m outta here!”

Rainbow lift off, determined to dash for the door. Forgetting momentarily that she was about to ditch her friends.

But from one second to the next, she was covered in uniformed ponies who had jumped on her, forming a huge pile.

The promised cavity search in mind, the young pegasus was fighting desperately for her freedom, kicking and biting in every direction.

“GET OFF ME!”

Applejack, who had been alert the second the words “cavity search” had been pronounced, had already joined the fight.

“Hold on, Rainbow!”

And then Rarity joined in, hollering like a bloodthirsty barbarian. Finally, she got the occasion to avenge her saddlepack- which was only a bonus, of course.

Fluttershy had curled up in a corner, whining like a hurt kitten.

No problem, Twilight thought, observing the raging battle in front of her, having passed the mountains of madness and reached a delirious state of absolute Zen. No problem at all. I can fix this. I... organize things. That’s my deal.

Her eyes and her horn started glowing. A flash of light.

When Twilight woke from her trance, she saw that the fighting ponies were now floating in the air, paralyzed and harmless. They were panting and shaking, their sweat, tears and drool dropping on the floor. Twilight felt the sudden urge to bang the heads of a few border guards together for good measure, but instead, the civilized part of her made her say:

“Oookay. I think we got off on the wrong hoof. Why don’t we all just calm down, so I can show you the papers Princess Celestia gave to me for just this sort of occasion...”

Strange. All the floating ponies were staring at a point behind her. Too bad they couldn’t use their vocal cords. Twilight’s friends looked as if they were quite eager to tell her something.

Then Twilight sank to the floor. A mare from the border guard had managed to sneak up behind her and strike her with a baton.

The floating ponies were hanging in the air for one more second, then they dropped to the floor with a collective cry.

-

Twilight Sparkle sighted.

They had been put in a depressing little cell, where they were now awaiting their destiny. Again and again, the unicorn pony had told the guards about the official papers, but they wouldn’t listen to her. If only Spike had been with her! The little dragon could have sent a message to the princess. She felt so very lost, but she tried to be strong. She owed it to her friends, who were cold and scared and looking to her for answers.

Rarity was walking in circles in front of the iron bars.

“I don’t understand! How can the princess possibly tolerate this sort of thing? It’s downright barbaric!”

“All provinces have a status of self-determination”, Twilight explained, “They make their own rules. The ties to Canterlot are not that strong, especially in the outer regions. I knew this part of the border was controlled by local militias, but I had no idea just HOW ‘local’ they were...”

Rainbow Dash snorted, her pride still hurt from being publicly singled out for a cavity search.

“I think Applejack should talk to them. They must be relatives of hers.”

“Now wait just a gosh-darned second...!”, Applejack protested.

“I’m just saying, some family trees do fork more than others.”

“Well, FORK YOU!”

“Girls...”, Twilight sighted.

Fluttershy had curled up like an armadillo again. “...What do you think they’re going to do to Pinkie Pie?”

-

“Listen up!”

The command made the fillies jump.

Another uniformed colt had appeared.

“According to our regulations, we require witnesses for the execution. Since the convict is your friend, we reckon you should attend the procedure.”

Twilight’s brain refused to digest this new information at first, but then she heard herself ask:

“The CONVICT. The EXECUTION. You would’t happen to be talking about our friend Pinkie Pie?”

The colt was checking a note.

“Eee-Yup. I reckon’ that’s the one. So, you’re coming?”

-

The fillies gasped as they were brought into the execution chamber. So that’s what an electric chair looked like.

“Hi you guys!!!”

Pinkie seemed as joyful as ever.

She was already strapped to the contraption. A priest was standing next to her, reading from the holy scripture.

“Awww... that part is boring. Don’t you have anything about the pharao, the sun and the holy alligator?”

The priest snuffed and backed away. He wasn’t going to waste another word on her.

“Oh good, they’re here. Let the juice flow!”

The five friends had no time to react. All they could do was scream as the uniformed colt pulled the lever.

-

“What is going on here?! BUZZ her again!”

Once again, they pulled the lever. Pinkie Pie was shaking on the electric chair, her eyes rotating, her teeth vibrating, her mane twisting and inflating like a bag pipe.

“ Thiiis maaakes myyy voooice sooound siiilly...!”

When the current was cut, she sank back into the chair, steaming, but perfectly unharmed.

“Phew. What a ride... A little short, though.”

“This is impossible! Not even a pegasus could survive this amount of electricity!”

“It’s her mane, sir! Somehow it is absorbing the electricity, I reckon, and...”

“Well then, shave her stupid head!”

“We already tried that, sir! But it will grow back!”

“So?!”

“You don’t understand... It keeps growing back... right away!”

Twilight Sparkle used the general confusion to talk to who she assumed to be the local sheriff. Right now, Pinkie seemed to be doing fine by herself, so maybe the unicorn had enough  time to figure something out.

“What is the meaning of this? Doesn’t she at least get a trial? And why her?”

“Pinkemina Diane Pie is on the ‘no-life’ list. She’s a wanted offender in seven provinces, includin’ this one. She already had her trial. And more than just one. Boy, Am I glad we’re the ones who finally got our hooves on her...”

“What is she even punished for?”

The sheriff was unrolling a piece of parchment. It was long. Quite long.

“My, it’s so hard to pick just one example... How about this: She made fun of Ponycaust-victims!”

The girls gasped.

“I didn’t do THAT!”, Pinkie protested, “I was making fun of YOU!”

“Well, yes”, the sheriff said, “Did you know my parents died in the Ponycaust?”

“Oh, Gosh... I’m so sorry to hear that...”

“Nah, they didn’t really die. They were involved, though. Let’s see, what else do we have here... Making children laugh... Exercising her right to free speech... Public nudity (=wearing no hat in a hat zone)... Indecent behaviour... AHA! Eating our governor!”

“I tell you, that was one tough cookie... ‘Caus he was a cookie! With a cute little top hat.”

“He was a good man... They don’t bake politicians like they used to. Alright, what else... Corrupting alligators... Encouraging public fillyfooling... Preventing suicides... Being on an arbitrary ‘no-life’ list...“

He turned around to talk to the technicians. “Will you get this thing going or what?”

-

Since the electric chair proved ineffective, the ponies of the militia decided to murder Pinkie Pie the old fashioned way.

They brought Pinkie to a wooden platform just outside the station and put a rope around her neck.

“Pinkemina Diane Pie, for your crimes against this province and its ponies and its baked goods, you shall hang until your soul is descending to a plane of existence more liberal than this one. Any last words?”

“I think I’ll have to go with... ‘Walrus-cupcake’!”

“That’s your last word?”

“I’m afraid so. No, WAIT! These are my last words! Or these... Or maybe even these! Geez, I tell you, these last words are going on and on...”

“No they’re not.”

Pinkie dropped and started dangling on the rope. The party pony’s friends were not too worried, though, and soon the militia ponies saw why that was.

“Sweet mother of nonsense, would you look at that...”

“What discordery is that?!”

“Yipiiiie! This is FUN!”

Pinkie was spinning up and down like a never-ending Yo-yo.

-

Montage!

Lethal injection?

"Hihi! That tickles in my veines."

Decapitation?

The blade was bouncing off and soaring away, into the sunset.

"Yeah. My flesh is kinda bouncy. Must be bad influence from them rubber chicken."

Being dropped from a great hight?

"Hellooo? 'Bouncy'?"

Waterboarding 'till drowning?

"Thanks, you guys! I was getting a little thirsty."

Falling Anvil?

Pinkie Pie was flattened like a pancake, only to inflate again and pop back into shape.

"Pe-leeease! Everyone knows anvils can't actually harm anypony."

“I’ve had enough of this! Get them all back inside... We’ll figure something out tomorrow.”

-

A young colt from the militia stormed into the office.

“They have broken out of their cell! They have escaped! What now?”

The older colt sitting at the desk opened a large, dusty book with the county’s laws and regulations. He was humming as his hoof passed over the pages, until he found what he had been looking for. When he looked up again, his eyes had narrowed to happy slits, and he smiled almost from one ear to the other.

“Joy.”

“What is it?”

“Technically, they are all horse thieves now.”

This took a second to sink in. Then the whole station roared in a collective “YEEE-HA!”, the low morale from the previous, unsuccessful execution attempts being a thing of the past.

Grabbing their batons and their lassos, they ran out into the night.

In the end

Twilight Sparkle sighed.

You had to give her friend Pinkie Pie this much - she could be very persuasive if she wanted to be. Maybe it really was a good idea to have some Pinkie-Twilight bonding time… even after all these years studying the magic of friendship, Twilight Sparkle had a tendency to neglect her friends sometimes, without even noticing…  Still, there were a few books she had planned on reading this afternoon.

"So!! What do you wanna play?!", Pinkie Pie exclaimed as they arrived in her room just above Sugar Cube Corner.

"I dunno… Pinkie, you know I’m not exactly into ‘playing’, per se. Haven’t really played ever since I’ve grown into… well, a grown mare."

Pinkie Pie stared at her with a wide grin and fluttering eyelashes.

"…Kiiiiinda like you, actually. Anyway, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to take the lead this time."

With emphasis on "afraid", Twilight thought.

"Hmmm…" Pinkie frowned. "Let’s see. Uh! I know! We could challenge the Cutie Mark Crusaders to a Siege!"

"A… siege?"

"Yes!! We’ll build a dirt fort, and they’ll have to conquer it. I’ll pack some food, too - they always win these things by letting me starve to death (which takes about half an hour) ."

Twilight shook her head. “We’re gonna build a dirt castle… up here?”

"Naaah, silly! But it’s a good thing we’re here none the less, this way I can get my gear!"

Pinkie leaped towards a trunk at the other side of the room. In a frighteningly short amount of time, she had put on a dirt-stained overall and a helmet. She had also grabbed two shovels and a pickaxe.

Twilight looked over her friend’s back. “Saaay… what’s that, at the back of the chest ? Are those fossils?”

"Oh, yeah. Should have figured you’d like that. Wanna see my collection?"

"You’ve got trilobites, ammonites… is that a fossilized feather? Pinkie, this is amazing! Where did you get this stuff?”

"Heeello, Pinkie Pie (me) ? Dirt Forts? Trench Waterballon Warfare? Disposing of any colt in town I catch wearing a fedora? I do a lot of digging.”

Twilight felt as if something among the things Pinkie had listed sounded a little disturbing, but a second later, she couldn’t even remember what it was. Something else had already caught her attention anyway.

"Wow… that’s an entire skull!"

"Neat, huh? You get a lot of these if you dig deep enough, but this one is the best I’ve ever found, so I took it home."

She lifted the skull in front of Twilight’s face.

"Notiss de large brainkase", Pinkie said with her favorite teutonic accent. "I bet zey were REALLY smart."

She looked Twilight in the eyes and smiled. “And they’re all dead. They have all been dead for a very long time. Funny how it goes, huh.”

She patted her stupefied friend on the back, put the skull back in the trunk and started heading down the stairs.

"You’re coming? I bet the Crusaders are hanging out at Sweet Apple Acres again."