Or, Daring Do and the Baltimare Behemoth
"Honey, are you sure you don't want to come with me?"
Shining Armor barely lifted his eyes from his suitcase as he levitated khaki shirt after khaki shirt into it. A stack of books followed it in, then floated back out, then danced back and forth before they finally found their way inside for good.
Cadance chuckled softly from their bedroom doorway. "Thank you, Shiny," she said, "but as much as I would like to share your interests, we already know you'll enjoy this much more without me around to drag you down."
"Cady, you never drag me down," Shining insisted.
"That's sweet," Cadance said. "And I appreciate it. But I already thought about this before I bought you the ticket. If I went with you every pony would notice the wings and horn, and it would be the same bowing and groveling and interruptions, and we'd never be able to relax." She pointed a wingtip in his direction and said, "By yourself you probably don't have to worry about that."
Shining Armor paused in his packing. "I dunno," he said. "I am the Prince Consort of the Crystal Empire, after all. And captain of the Canterlot palace guard. Ponies have seen my face."
Cadance sighed. "Trust me, Shiny," she said, "once a pony sees an alicorn they don't see anything else." She stepped into the room, wrapping a wing around Shining's barrel and hugging him close. "So go take advantage of your invisibility. I know you want to."
"I'm gonna miss you," Shining said quietly. "And Flurry."
"You better not!" Cadance replied, giggling again. "I bought you that ticket as an anniversary gift so you would go have fun- not so you would spend a weekend pining after us." She slipped her wing off of him and used the tip to give him a nudge in the ribs. "Besides, how many times have you told me about how your mom used to read you the Daring Do novels she edited?"
"Um... three or four?"
"Try three or four hundred."
"Okay, you got me," Shining admitted, laughing. "But I can't help it! The Daring Do stories are some of the most fun adventures ever! Miss A. K. Yearling makes you really feel like you're in the Forbidden Jungles, or the Scorching Desert, or the Unknown Lands in the West! And for all Daring Do's skills, you never feel like she's overpowered or just going through the motions, like the late Silver Age-"
"If you start talking to me about comic books," Cadance warned, "you're going to miss your train."
"I can't miss it," Shining grinned. "Special private train, remember?"
"Only as far as Canterlot," Cadance grinned back. Her horn lit up, and Shining's suitcase closed with a snap, floating towards the door. "From there to Baltimare you ride just like a normal pony, and that train has a schedule. Now off with you!"
"Okay, okay." Shining followed his suitcase halfway out the door, then dashed back and gave Cadance a kiss on the cheek that lasted considerably longer than a peck. "Love you, Cady."
"Love you more, Shiny."
And then, after pausing in the nursery to wave goodbye to Flurry Heart and her new tutor, Shining Armor and his suitcase began their cross-country trip to Baltimare...
... Baltimare, and Con-Venture.
"This is not going to work,"
"Of course it's going to work! Look, this is only for one day, right? We look exactly alike, and from what Twilight Sparkle tells me-"
"But we're NOT exactly alike! And this is a convention! I've been a convention guest before! This is a place full of obsessive-compulsive detail freaks who remember how many times you used the word 'is' on page 147 of your previous book! Some of them think it might be part of a secret coded message! They NOTICE things!"
"No they won't! WE notice things. Most ponies don't. Besides, it's mostly stuff you already know."
"But it's NOT! There are all sorts of differences, and I don't know what they are! But the fans know, and they're going to spot it!"
"So bluff your way through it. Say you're setting something up for your next book! Blame it on Daring Do thinking it was this or that instead of-"
"And what happens when the next book comes out?"
"Edited out of an old draft! Now look, I don't have time for this. I've got to find Apep before he reaches Canterlot. You just go out there and sign some autographs."
"With my teeth??"
"Well, what else? We're not unicorns, you know."
"Ohhhhh!!!"
"It's not so bad. My signature's illegible anyway, so don't worry about it."
"That's not the problem!!"
"Look, your first event is the Thursday VIP meet-and-greet. This is Con-Venture's first year as a four-day event, so it'll probably be lightly attended. Then you have a panel on writing convincing antagonists. You know that better than I do, and for any story specifics lean on Groom Q. Q. Martingale- he knows about all this, by the way, except for one little detail. Then there's a one-hour autograph session, and opening ceremonies at seven PM. Plenty of time in between to relax in the green room. You'll be fine, and I'll be back before midnight tonight. Earlier if I get lucky."
"You better be right about this."
"I usually am."
"And I had better get the week I was promised."
"Beginning Monday after the convention ends, sure. After all, A. K. Yearling isn't a one-day guest. Now go knock 'em dead!"
A shadowy figure flew out the hotel room's open window, and, grumbling under her breath, A. K. Yearling pulled her shawl a little tighter around herself and left by the suite door, where her handler waited to escort her down to the convention floor.
Shining Armor adjusted the lanyard that held his large, shiny VIP badge around his neck. The heavy plastic plaque made the lanyard chafe a little, but it was worth it. He'd get all the perks of being, well, of being Prince Shining Armor without actually having to be Prince Shining Armor. First seating at all the major events, first crack in the vendor bazaar, Sunday lunch with all the guests of honor, and a host of other goodies...
... which included this 11 AM meet-and-greet with A. K. Yearling herself! He'd brought his entire hardback collection of Daring Do books so she could autograph them at the end- but only after all the other Very Important Ponies who didn't have an alicorn princess for a loving wife had their turn, of course.
He'd arrived fifteen minutes early, and he hadn't been too surprised that he was the first VIP to arrive. At five minutes of eleven he began to get concerned: nopony else was here except for the door volunteer and the moderator. Was he in the wrong room? Con-Venture was a big event these days, after all, and maybe he'd just been waiting in the room for Ask-a-Mook or How to Write Dish-Washing Entertainingly.
But then, almost the moment the clock on the wall read eleven o'clock, A. K. Yearling herself, with her large glasses, thick shawl and veil-draped hat, walked into the room, accompanied by the convention-provided volunteer assistant...
... and Shining Armor was still the only pony waiting for her. Without thinking about it he straightened the pith helmet on his head with one forehoof and tugged at his khaki shirt with the other.
"Oh," A. K. Yearling said quietly. "This is the right room, isn't it?"
"Yes, Ms. Yearling," the moderator said. "But it's only Thursday, and registration might be running slow. It's possible that the other VIPs will either be along later or are waiting for the Saturday meet-and-greet."
"I see." The author looked up at Shining Armor, who felt the corners of his mouth reaching for each other around the back of his head.
"I suppose it's your lucky day, isn't it?" She reached a hoof out to him and said, "I'm A. K. Yearling. What's your name?"
"Sh-sh-shining Armor!" He took the offered hoof in both of his forehooves and shook hard enough to lift the author off the floor. "Oops! Sorry!" Releasing her and steadying her until she recovered her balance, he babbled on, "I'm sorry, but I've always wanted to meet you. My mom was your editor for years! You know Twilight Velvet?"
The authoress fumbled with her glasses, which had gone askew on her muzzle and almost fallen off from the force of Shining's hoofshake. "Um? Erh? Twilight- Twilight-" She danced first on one hoof and then the other, trying to get them straight.
"Here, let me!" Shining grasped the glasses in his magic and put them straight.
"Thank you," Yearling said, settling down for a moment. "Er, did you say Twilight?"
"Twilight Velvet, that's right, ma'am!" Shining said enthusiastically. "She's always talking about how much she enjoyed editing your early books! It made her want to go and learn wall-climbing and parasailing and-"
"Er... "
The single, unconfident syllable brought Shining's babble to an instant halt.
"... you wouldn't by any chance be related to Twilight Sparkle, would you?"
"Um... yes?" To Shining it seemed like a really foalish question. But then, maybe Ms. Yearling didn't remember the name of the Prince Consort of the Crystal Empire. To be honest, not a lot of ponies did.
"Y-y-you must be quite proud," Yearling continued. "Your sister- she is your sister, yes?- is such a fine young woman. She's got quite a future ahead of her, I'm sure."
"Er..." Shining could give benefit of the doubt like Pinkie Pie gave parties, but there were limits. "I suppose you could say that," he said. "Although it's kind of hard to think of anything better than being ruler of all Equestria." For the first time his face took on a hint of suspicion. "And by the way, what's a 'woman'?"
"Ah. Um... I've... been researching other cultures for my next book," Yearling said quickly. "There are different terms for mares, and I suppose one of them stuck in my head. Silly me, didn't mean to confuse or offend."
"Uh huh." Shining Armor gave Yearling a long look up and down. "How many arrows did Daring Do dodge in the temple of the Sapphire Stone?"
"One score. Twenty."
"But you describe it as a barrage-"
"Any group of missiles launched by a group of squad size or larger- twelve or so- constitutes a barrage," Yearling said, and for once she sounded confident. "But in Chapter Nine I clearly say a score of arrows, which anyone up on middle Ponish knows is twenty. I have SO many cosplayers asking me about that one because, for some reason, they think Daring Do never replaces a hat."
"How many stairs did Daring Do climb on the Temple of Chapultepec?" Shining Armor pressed.
"I didn't say in the text," Yearling replied. "It was over three hundred, but Daring Do loses count after about a hundred and ten because of the heat and her jungle fever."
"What was the principal design carved into the Taming Scepter in Daring Do and the Cannibal Gardens?"
"The Taming Scepter is marked by a triskelion," Yearling said.
"HA! GOT YOU!" Shining Armor jabbed a hoof at Yearling. "It was a fleur-de-lis!"
"No," Yearling said, going from confidence to irritation, "it was a triskelion. My editor at the time said nobody would know the word, so I changed it to a paragraph-long description of three spiraling vines with thorns at the tips like clawed paws. Which is what got printed. But the illustrator got lazy and just slapped a Fancy lily on the side of a stick with a jewel on the end- and the Scepter did NOT have a jewel, it had a polished knob, and I WROTE it that way, but the publisher refused to change it, so it went out with the inaccuracy, and you better believe the next contract and every one after that gave me approval rights for all cover art and interior illustrations so THAT would never happen again!" A now furious Yearling stamped the floor with a forehoof... with the side of her hoof, rather, and she flinched and shook it to relieve the sting.
Shining Armor had begun stepping backwards about halfway through the rant. "Um, I'm sorry," he said in his most calming tones. "I didn't mean to upset you."
Yearling took a deep breath. "No, that's quite all right," she said. "It's just that accuracy is extremely important to me. It's rather a touchy subject-"
"Not for- well, yes, for that too, I didn't know about the story behind the cover art," Shining babbled. Shaking his head to get it clear, he forced himself back on topic. "But for a moment I was afraid you were some kind of imposter."
Under her hat and glasses, Yearling's face went pale. "I-i-imposter?" she asked.
"I'm afraid so," Shining said. "It's not fair to you, but having a changeling impersonate my wife-to-be and almost conquer all of Equestria... well, it left kind of an unfortunate impression."
"Changeling? Conquer all of Equestria?" Yearling asked.
Now Shining's eyebrows rose again. "Um, yes? Years ago? You can't have missed it. It was in all the papers and-"
At that point the floor just behind Shining Armor exploded upwards, scattering his piles of to-be-autographed books around the room. Up through the hole rose the head and neck of a giant orange snake, body thicker around than a pony was tall. Slit-pupiled eyes ringed in green glared out from beneath bony ridges topped with small horns.The eyes cast back and forth, gradually focusing on one particular figure.
"YOU," the giant snake hissed, glaring directly at A. K. Yearling.
Behind her glasses, the writer's eyes went as wide as a pony's eyes could go. Her jaw gaped open as if the muscles had been cut loose. She lurched up onto her hind legs, tumbled backwards, and fell into a heap next to the small panel stage.
"AT LAST I HAVE YOU!" The huge snake head drew back, ready to strike.
In an instant Shining Armor stood in front of Yearling. A flare of magic brought up a shield bubble over the two of them just before the snake's head rammed into it. The shield held fast, but the snake flopped over onto the floor, temporarily stunned.
"Come on!" Shining Armor shouted, dropping the shield and lifting A. K. Yearling back to her hooves. "Let's get you out of here before it comes to!"
"What IS that??" Yearling asked. "I've never seen-"
"Questions later!" Shining said. "First we get you to safety!"
"But-"
A loud hiss cut off A. K. Yearling's protest. The giant snake had raised its head up again, and Shining threw another magic shield in its way. This time the snake weaved its head back and forth, looking for an opening or a way around the shield rather than ramming straight into it.
"Just keep moving!" Shining Armor shouted, pulling the shield in from a bubble to a smaller circle that he bobbed back and forth to match the snake's movement. Keeping himself between Yearling and the giant reptile he backed towards the panel room door.
Just before the two of them reached the door, Shining Armor waved a hoof at the moderator back by the stage, who had stood with Yearling's handler, totally ignored, while the snake kept trying to strike. "Excuse me!" Shining said. "If you don't mind, could you keep an eye on my books? Thanks!"
Then, with a shove that made Yearling squeal in protest, he dropped the shield and pushed the two of them through the door, slamming it behind them.
The snake, letting out an annoyed hiss, wriggled its way backwards into the hole.
Just before its head sank back through the shattered floor, the moderator called out from the stage, "Er, one thing, sir?"
The snake paused and, with effort, turned to set an eye on the convention staffer. "WHAT?" it asked.
"If you're going to continue to participate in the convention," the staffer pony continued, voice cracking midway through the sentence, "I have to ask that you go to registration and get a badge. It's not fair to the other attendees otherwise."
"I'M NOT AN ATT... oh, never mind." With a loud sigh the snake slipped the rest of the way back into the hole, leaving bits of concrete rubble to slip back inside after it. The moderator or the personal assistant heard the snake's voice echo up from the depths: "... ow... ow... ow... stupid rocks..."
"Excuse us! Pardon us! Make a hole!"
It might only be Thursday, but ponies and members of other species lined the halls of the Baltimare Convention Center. The registration line already stretched in its winding corrals, filling half the lower-level foyer and crowding the small sculpture gallery showing the typical Equestrian family unit of a century ago.
"Hey! That's A. K. Yearling!"
"Hi, Ms. Yearling!"
"Ms. Yearling, can I give you a copy of my fanfic? It's a whole four hundred and seventy-two pages about what would happen if Daring Do were trapped on a desert island with the Magnus!"
"Sorry about the cape! Pardon me! Didn't mean to make you drop those! Please move! Emergency!"
The fact that the hundreds of ponies, plus a scattering of griffons, a couple of yaks and a group of confused changelings were all fans made getting out of the building in a hurry even more difficult. Shining Armor managed it anyway, at the rate of one apology every three seconds.
Once an opening finally gave him a moment of not saying sorry, Shining stopped to look at Yearling. "Here's the plan," he said. "The city hall and courthouse are about five blocks north of here. Go over to the Old Harbor and take Cavalier Street north- you can't miss them. There's a guard contingent in the courthouse. Tell them Royal Guard Captain Shining Armor needs backup for a monster attack at the convention center. They'll keep you safe until this is taken care of."
"Wait a minute!" Yearling shouted, trying to grab him with one forehoof, only for it to slide off his foreleg. "What about all the other people here? Shouldn't we evacuate them?"
Shining Armor opened one of the doors leading out to Port Street, which as usual on a Thursday was full of wagons, carts and taxis carrying on the business of the third largest city on the eastern Equestrian seaboard. In addition to the usual hum of commerce and tourists walking between the Old Harbor to the east of the convention center and the hotels just west of it, even more fans, many already in costume, were milling around the sidewalks and pavement, bringing the already thick traffic almost to a complete stop. Traffic ponies stood in the middle of the road junctions, struggling to bring some order to the chaos.
"Look," he said. "First, that monster was after you and only you. It left the other ponies alone. Second, the crowd is just too big. We'll need backup from the city guard to make an evacuation happen. If we just tell everybody there's a monster, all these ponies will-"
The traffic pony standing less than two blocks away, at the junction of Port and Cavalier, whinnied in fright as the sewer lid she had been standing next to launched itself skywards on a column of flame and smoke. A moment later the next manhole cover blew off, at the intersection of Port and Sunlight. The one at Port and Celestia went next, directly in front of Shining and Yearling, followed by the one at Hornover Street, then Harp, then Hoofyard. Smoke and flame rose through cracks in the street along the entire length of the convention center. Ponies pulling wagons and carts bolted in panic, and those on foot ran for the nearest building- which, for most of them, was the convention center.
"-panic!" Shining Armor raised his bubble shield again, forcing the wave of ponies rushing off the street to part around the two of them. Looking past the crowds, he pointed to the gap between flames and sky above the rooftops of the buildings opposite the street. "You can fly!" he shouted over the terrified screams. "Just go north of here and get help! Tell them Prince Captain Shining Armor needs backup now!"
A. K. Yearling stared back at him, her wings slipping in and out from under her shawl in a fidgety manner. "I... I can't!" she shouted back.
"You've got to!" Shining Armor insisted. "If this is that monster again-"
"DAAAAAAARING DOOOOOO!!!!" The raspy voice of the snake was unmistakable, even with the snake itself nowhere in sight, and it boomed across downtown Baltimare.
"-you've got to go get help! I can't protect all these ponies by myself! Not from something that burrows underground!"
"That isn't what I mean!" Yearling said. "I mean I can't fly!"
"You what??" Shining asked. "You're a pegasus! You've got wings!"
"NOW I have wings!" Yearling said. "But I don't know how to USE them! I've only had them for a day or so!"
"WHAT?!?"
A portion of the roadway began to bulge upwards.
Shining looked at the street, then at Yearling. "Okay," he said. "Time to hide, then. Wrap your hooves around me and hold tight."
A. K. Yearling looked around herself for a moment, searching for other options, then suddenly reared up and hugged Shining hard around the neck.
"Don't get the wrong idea," he said quickly. "I'm a big fan, but I'm also very happily married."
"What?"
"Hold on. This may be a bumpy ride."
And before A. K. Yearling could ask what Shining meant by that, his horn glowed with light, and the two of them vanished.
"DARING DO!" the horned serpent shouted as his head finally breached the multi-layer concrete and cobblestone of Port Street. "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE FROM ME! I KNOW YOU ARE NEARBY, AND I SHALL FIND YOU!"
"Here I am, you bad ol' meanie!"
The snake blinked. Its green eyes visibly squinted in the sunlight as it searched around itself. "SHOW YOURSELF, DARING DO!" it shouted. "I SHALL HAVE WHAT IS MINE!"
"No you won't! I'll stop ya!"
The snake thrashed back and forth until its eyes focused on a little figure standing on the cracked sidewalk, all alone, in front of the convention center. It had on a khaki shirt and a pith helmet, and a whip was tied to its waist... and that was where the resemblance to Daring Do ended. The figure's coat was a vibrant, almost blinding maroon. It lacked anything resembling wings. And, not least of all, it was less than half the size of a grown pegasus mare. More to the point from the snake's point of view, it smelled nothing like Daring Do.
But even as the snake slowly lowered its head for a closer sniff, it didn't budge. It didn't even smell particularly afraid.
"Why are you standing in my way?" the snake asked, no longer roaring. "You're not Daring Do."
"Can be if I want to be!" The earth pony filly thrashed her head, which made the oversized pith helmet fall off.
The snake's tongue lashed out, wrapped around the hat, and nimbly dropped it back on the young pony's head. "Please stand aside," it said. "I have business with the real Daring Do."
"Really?" Far from standing aside, the filly sat down and looked up eagerly at the snake. "What kinda business? Evil business?"
"IT IS NOT EVIL BUSINESS!" the snake shouted in its former booming tones.
"That's exactly what an evil baddie would say!"
"Hey, you know what this is?" An older colt, wearing a white shirt and ascot and a five o'clock shadow painted on his muzzle, stepped forward. "I bet this is the announcement for the next Daring Do book! This guy must be playing the new baddie she has to outsmart!"
"Oooh!" The filly jumped back up. "I want to get my picture taken with the baddie!"
"I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT A, what you call it, BADDIE!" the snake roared. In a more polite tone he added, "I just need to discuss something with Daring Do. Urgently."
"Hey, I want my picture too!"
"Can I get a pose of you about to try to eat me?"
"Why are you orange?"
"Hey, Momma! Bring the camera! Take a picture of us, quick!"
With the sudden switch from panic to normalcy that so characterizes pony culture, the mobs which had crowded into the convention center had begun trickling back out, along with a large number of convention attendees eager to see the new gimmick for this year's con.
The giant snake managed to look embarrassed. "But I don't have time to sit for a hieroglyphic," it muttered. "I'm really busy right now..."
"Excuse me, sir."
The snake, and about a hundred ponies, turned to look at the staffer and a couple of big, burly earth ponies in SAFETY PATROL con shirts who had walked out of the convention center.
"Excuse me," the staffer said, "but Con-Venture is a private event, for paid members only. As wonderful as your costume is, I'm afraid we must ask you to show a badge or-"
"A BADGE?" The snake reared up a full two stories high, head level with the uppermost gallery of the convention center. "YOU DARE ASK ME TO SHOW YOU A BADGE, YOU PATHETIC MORTAL?"
The filly who had first halted the snake shouted, "You mean you don't have a badge?"
In less narratively satisfying worlds, snakes cannot blush. This giant snake could, and did. "Er," he mumbled, "actually, I haven't..."
"Oooommmmmm," the filly sang, "somepony's in truh-bullll..."
A grown pony in poorly daubed blue body paint, a monkey glove tied to his tail, stepped forward. "I'll pay for his badge," he said. "VIP level. Go get the form."
The staffer's jaw dropped. He waved a hoof up and down at the towering snake. "But- but- but-"
"Get the form!" another pony shouted.
"Get the form!"
"GET THE FORM!"
In no time it became a chant, as the same ponies who had just run in terror from exploding sewers and bursting streets now surrounded the snake in a protective half-circle. "GET THE FORM! GET THE FORM! GET THE FORM! GET THE FORM!"
When the staffer and the two guards retreated back into the convention center, a loud cheer went up from the crowd, echoed by the hundreds of ponies lining the galleries on the other side of the windows facing what was left of Port Street.
And towering above them all, swaying a bit from a sudden bout of dizziness, the snake monster muttered, "I always knew the surface world was weird, but not THIS weird..."
"Oh, I'm gonna be siiiick..."
Shining Armor swayed on his hooves, while A. K. Yearling tried to steady him. "If teleporting makes you sick, why did you do it?" she asked.
"Needed to buy time," Shining grunted. "Did we make it to the vendor room?"
"Can't you see it?" Yearling asked. "Yes, we're in the dealer room. Only half the dealers are here, but you should at least see all the displays."
"Too dizzy," Shining muttered. "My sister was always better at teleporting than me..."
"What are you doing here?"
Shining felt Yearling's body stiffen next to his. "Martingale," she growled.
"Oh, don't give me that." A gray-bearded earth pony stallion with a cap pulled down hard over his mane stepped out from behind a vendor table loaded with books. "You probably still have a grudge because of that book I wrote last year, but trust me, the real A. K. Yearling had a much bigger one. And we've reached a working agreement. So can you."
It was Shining's turn to tense up. He stumbled away from Yearling and squinted down at her, the dizziness passing quickly. "So you ARE a fake!"
"No, I'm not!" Yearling snapped. Then, looking at her hooves, she added in a softer tone, "Not exactly..."
"Dari- uh... the real Ms. Yearling," the stallion continued, "had... urgent business... concerning a creature from the underworld who seeks to attack Princess Twilight Sparkle in Canterlot."
"Attack my sister?" Shining shrieked. "Twily's in danger? Why didn't somebody call me?"
The stallion raised an eyebrow. "And who are you, exactly?" He gestured at Shining's outfit and added, "Besides Daring Do's millionth Number One Fan."
"I'm Shining Armor, captain of the royal guard, prince-consort of the Crystal Empire, and Twily's Big Brother Best Friend Forever, that's who!" Shining said, poking a forehoof into the stallion's chest. "And if my sister is in danger-"
"Oh. Royal guard," the stallion muttered dismissively. "If the princess is in danger, then Daring Do will handle it as she always does," the stallion replied, and in a surly undertone he added, "curse her." He cleared his throat and pointed a hoof at Yearling. "Anyway, she got Twilight Sparkle to find a look-alike to stand in for her today at the convention. A fan of some kind, I guess."
Shining raised an eyebrow. "I dunno," he said. "There aren't many fans who know enough about the Daring Do books to correct me on mistakes."
"That's because I'm not a fan," Yearling said. "My name really is A. K. Yearling. But I'm an A. K. Yearling from another world."
That bought a few seconds of silence, broken when the bearded stallion said, "All right, I didn't know that."
"I met a group of girls, including Twilight Sparkle, during the filming of a movie about Daring Do," Yearling continued. "And yesterday she called me on the telephone and asked if I'd like to research an entirely new culture. The next thing I know I'm stepping right through this mirror in front of a high school, and then I'm in a palace and my hands are gone and I've got wings I don't know how to use! And then a pony who sounds exactly like me says she's Daring Do and tells me she needs me to pretend to be her for a day!"
"Oh! Of course!" Shining Armor said, rearing long enough to pound one hoof into another decisively. "The mirror portal! So you must be one of those... hoo-man things from the other side!"
"This is all news to me," the bearded pony said. "Could you fill me in?"
"Oh, sorry," Shining said. "Star Swirl the Bearded made this mirror that connects to another world. There's hardly any magic there, and instead of ponies and griffons and changelings and all that, everybody is this weird type of bipedal ape called 'hoo-mans.'"
"Humans," Yearling corrected.
"Yeah. And the really, really weird thing about the place is, almost everypony you know has a counterpart over there. Same name, same colors, same personality... but they're hoo-mans. Princess Celestia was a school principal there. My sister and her friends were all students. My wife was head of a private academy across town or something. Really weird."
"And Groom Q. Q. Martingale," Yearling said, growling at the bearded pony, "looks just like you if he were a pony. And he writes these horrible thick door-stop books where everyone is cruel and trying to trick everyone else, and all his stories end with everyone either dead or miserable, but there's always unfinished business so he can write yet another book." Her eyes narrowed as she added, "I based my second-tier villain, Dr. Caballeron, on him."
"Really." The word stretched out in a strange accent that made Shining Armor's ears twitch. The bearded pony crossed his forearms and added in the same drawl, "What an interesting coincidence."
"I try to write stories that inspire girls to try new things," Yearling continued. "I want to inspire hope and optimism, to open new horizons to our young people. But the critics keep calling me old-fashioned and contrived, while they embrace your gloomy, dreary political tomes that would give a hyena chronic depression!"
"I outsold you by that much, did I?" Martingale purred, teeth gleaming through his beard.
"STOP IT!" Shining Armor shouted, stepping between the two and holding his hooves up. "We don't have time for this!" Focusing on Martingale, he asked, "Why did the real Ms. Yearling need a replacement?"
Martingale sighed. "Because Apep, ruler of the underworld, broke out of his prison in the south."
"She did mention Apep to me," Yearling said. "But I didn't know she meant THAT Apep. He's just an ancient myth of the desert, isn't he?"
Martingale chuckled grimly. "In our world, Ms. Yearling," he said, "you learn quickly that there's very little mythical about our myths. And the ancient past is very much alive... and dangerous."
"Excuse me," Shining said, "I'm kind of lost. Who is Apep, again?"
"In my world," Yearling said, "he's a snake-headed desert god. The ancient god Amon, ruler of the sun- he had a hawk's head- had to battle him every day to get him to release the sun. If he ever lost, it would throw the world into eternal darkness."
"Oh! Like in Daring Do and the Sundered Sisters!"
Martingale flinched. "The real Ms. Yearling and I try not to bring that book up in each other's company these days," he muttered. "But yes. The Sister Crown Relics were two of the three tools our Amon used to seal away Apep once and for all. He was buried under the Pyramid of Obtenebra, long before the founding of Equestria, there to remain for all time... or so we thought."
Martingale's frown deepened, and his eyes glared out between cap bill and beard as he spoke. "A few days ago the ponies who live near the pyramid reported an earthquake. There were columns of fire and explosions in the sand. And then the great snake Apep-"
"SNAKE?" both Shining and Yearling shouted.
"Not just a snake-headed man?" Yearling asked.
"You mean that thing following you is-"
"QUIET!" Martingale shouted, his cap slipping to reveal a glimpse of a black mane shot with streaks of gray. He jammed it back on tightly and continued, "Anyway, he appeared, threatened the villagers, demanding the Ankh of Amon."
"Which Daring Do retrieved from the Necropolis in Daring Do and the Silver Sarcophagus!" Shining Armor said.
"Um, no," Yearling muttered. "First, she got the Eye of Ra from the Necropolis, and second, the title is Daring Do and the Mummy's Mystery."
"No, I'm pretty sure it was-"
"NOT IMPORTANT!" Martingale shouted again, this time with a strong Mexicolt accent. Freezing a moment, he cleared his throat and continued, "No doubt Apep wants the Ankh so he can gain the prize he's always wanted. But the Ankh is in the Royal Canterlot Museum, and even if he gets it, first he has to seize control of the sun from the one who controls it today."
"Twilight," Shining gasped, his eyes widening.
"Wait a minute," Yearling said. "You mean there really somebody who controls-"
"But the snake wasn't looking for my sister," Shining said, speaking over Yearling. "It was looking for Daring Do."
Martingale's eyes went wide. "What snake?"
All snakes come to an end, even snakes over four feet in diameter. The problem was that the end of a snake at full slither is still a very long way from the head, so the ponies who held the doors for the bewildered giant snake and his snazzy new VIP registration badge found themselves stuck there for about two minutes before the tail finally made its way into the convention center.
The snake didn't even notice that. His distraction, and embarrassment, had a different source.
"Whee! This is fun!"
"Mommy, mommy, let me ride the monster!"
"Ooooh, I feel urpy."
"Take my picture, Daddy, take my picture!"
In even the short time it had taken him to get indoors, the snake had attracted dozens of convention attendees' small children, and a large number of them were riding him piggyback- or snakeyback- as he slithered back and forth across the width of the main concourse.
The snake didn't particularly mind at first- nothing the foals and fillies did actually hurt- but it soon grew distracting, and he had business on his mind. Unfortunately he didn't know what to do about it. He didn't want to hurt the little ones- no challenge to that- but they annoyed him, and he wanted them off. To make it worse, either their parents were more obsessed with photo opportunities than was healthy for a species in the middle of the food chain, or they wanted their own rides.
"Please retrieve your children, I am not an oxcart," hadn't budged a single child. "I'm sorry, but I have to find Daring Do," had only produced a dozen costumed children like the first one. "BEGONE YOU HORRIBLE SNIVELING MORTALS!" had backfired badly; all losing his temper did was bring out hundreds of the bizarre instant-hieroglyph boxes the ponies had, along with requests that he do it again.
The only thing that worked, even a little, was, "Please let the other children have a turn, you've been up there long enough." It didn't reduce the child load, but at least it wasn't all the same children.
But even as he dealt with the unwanted riders, the snake's nose kept working. His eyes were only so-so in bright light, and no one would carve legends on a stone wall for their descendants about his hearing. But his nose was second to none, and he could still smell Daring Do, the actual Daring Do, in the building. Thus slowly- ever so slowly- he backtracked her trail to the room he'd first burrowed into, then began sniffing for new traces.
It didn't take him long to pick them up, and in short order he had curved back on himself to crawl in the direction of the vendor hall.
The large double doors leading into the hall slammed open with a crack of snapping bolts.
"DARING DOOOOOOOO!!"
Martingale grabbed Yearling and hauled her behind a display as Shining Armor galloped towards the door. The snake reared up its head just inside, brushing the ceiling as other ponies trickled in around its thick body on either side.
"DARING DO, COME FORTH!" the snake roared. "I HAVE TRACKED YOU DOWN ACROSS COUNTLESS MILES, AND I WILL HAVE BACK WHAT IS MINE!"
"You'll have to get past me to do it!" Shining shouted, casting his shield spell in front of him.
"Sirs."
The snake and Shining both froze. Slowly they turned their heads to the speaker, at a pony in a staffer shirt who looked like she'd rather be anywhere else but where she was. "What is it? I'm rather busy," the snake asked in a normal tone of voice so surprising that Shining dropped the shield spell from shock.
"Sirs, the vendor room doesn't open to VIP shopping for another two and a half hours," the volunteer said. "Most of the vendors aren't here to run their booths yet, and some aren't even set up-"
"I understand," the snake replied, tone suddenly contrite and conciliatory. "I just have a quick bit of business here and I'll be done. I won't touch anything, I just- wait wait wait!"
Three teenage ponies had broken through the crowd gathered at the doors and begun walking towards the merchant booths. Before Shining could throw a shield around them the snake lashed out, throwing a loop of his body around the ponies...
... and gently pulling them back to the doors before releasing them. "No, no," the snake said, "the nice pony says it's not time to go shopping yet. You all have to wait out there."
"Awwwww."
"You got to go in."
"No he didn't," said the door volunteer.
"I'm not here to shop," the snake said, as if that explained everything. "Now, where was I... oh yes. SURRENDER, DARING DO!"
"Never!" Shining shouted.
"I'm not talking to you," the snake said petulantly. "COME OUT, DARING DO! OR I WILL... I... hmmmm..." The snake looked around as if in desperate thought. Then a loud screaming and shrieking erupted outside the doors as its body convulsed, and then its tail slid in the doors next to him. With a flick it lifted a headdress off a filly dressed as Somnambula.
The snake grinned a wicked reptilian smile as it dangled the headdress on the very tip of its tail. "OR I WILL USE THE LEGENDARY DOOMED DIADEM! COME BEFORE ME, DARING DO, OR ELSE I SHALL PLUNGE THIS LAND INTO A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS, AND THIS VILLAGE, THIS... this..." The snake bent its head down to the convention volunteer. "What is the name of this place again?"
"B-b-baltimare," the volunteer said, going from cerulean blue to white almost instantly.
"Thank you. Ahem. THIS BALTIMARE SHALL SINK INTO THE EARTH FOREVERMORE!" The snake nodded in satisfaction.
"Hey, that's a mean thing to do!" someone shouted from the crowd of ponies just beyond the broken doors.
"Well, I am sorry," the snake replied in what almost sounded like a whine. "But it's not much of a threat if I say, 'I shall plunge this land into an afternoon of pleasantly cooling shade,' is it?" That said, it raised its head as high as it could again and shouted, "WHAT SHALL IT BE, DARING DO?"
"My name is A. K. Yearling!"
Shining Armor's jaw dropped as Yearling walked past him, looking not the tiniest bit afraid of the monster. "Ms. Yearling, get back!" he shouted. "It's not-"
"Move over," she snapped, walking around his outstretched hoof. Her eyes remained locked on the snake's. "I write the Daring Do books, Mr. Apep, but I am not Daring Do. And that thing you are holding is NOT the Doomed Diadem."
"WHAT? OF COURSE IT IS!!" Apep the snake roared. "I SAW IT MYSELF THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, AND THIS-"
"and THAT has only fifteen vertical chains on it," Yearling continued. "The real one has forty-nine vertical chains of much smaller gauge, plus a row of uncut sapphires braided inside the horizontal chains. Those are glass crafting beads from Barnyard Bargains." Yearling pointed at the pony who had been wearing it, who looked on the verge of crying, and said, "And that pony almost certainly made it herself, with lots of money and hours of work and careful craftsmanship and love, and it is a magnificent piece of work she deserves to be proud of. So give it back to her right this instant before you break it!"
The giant snake's head cringed backwards. The horns above its eyes wilted. Its tail began to droop.
"DON'T YOU DARE DROP IT, MISTER!"
The tail froze stiff.
"Give it back to her properly!"
The tail slowly lowered, offering the headdress to its owner, who carefully took it, saying, "A. K. Yearling liked my diadem!"
"Now apologize for what you've done!"
"But you-"
"APOLOGIZE!"
Apep bowed its head. With an effort it turned away from Yearling's stare and looked down at the teenage filly. "I shouldn't have taken that diadem from you," it said quietly. "It was a thoughtless thing to do, and I'm very sorry."
"Good." Yearling walked a bit closer. "Now if we can get these ponies out of the way and get the doors closed, maybe we can discuss this like sensible adults."
Shining Armor still couldn't believe it.
Well, he could believe the part where vendor ponies were working around the giant snake who was using his coils to block the broken doors at the front of the hall. The single biggest problem he'd had when he was captain of the royal guard was getting the guard to perceive a threat as still being a threat if it went more than five minutes without actually hurting somepony.
But the rest of it? An otherworldly double of A. K. Yearling having a polite conversation with an immense snake monster that claimed to be a god from prehistoric times? And Groom Q. Q. Martingale, whose voice had taken on a Mexicolt accent almost as thick as Dr. Caballeron's, joining in to fill in the occasional detail?
He just sat and watched. There wasn't much else he could do.
"As far back as I can remember," Apep said, "Amon the Hawk and I fought every morning deep in the Underworld." The snake smiled a little. "It's a nice place, the Underworld. It's quiet, it's dark and cool, and you get all the blind cave salamanders you can eat."
"Eeew," Yearling muttered.
"Do you remember why you always fought for the Ankh?" Martingale asked.
"Well, he never let me play with it, did he?" Apep said. "He'd wave it about, and there was this bright shiny thing in the Underworld! Like nothing any of us down there had ever seen before! But as soon as it appeared, he'd want to take it away again, up the hole to wherever he went each day. And I didn't think that was fair. I wanted a turn! Don't you think I should have had a turn?"
"So you tried to take it away from him?"
"That's right. And so we fought over it. And it was so much fun!" Apep's snaky smile broadened, showing rows of relatively tiny teeth. "Every time I thought I had him, Amon would dodge or block or use some sneaky little trick. And then- whoop! up the hole and gone with the sun! It was always a close thing, and I kept thinking, if I'd done just one thing differently, I'd win."
"And so it continued for thousands of years," Yearling said. "The two of you always fighting, and Amon always winning."
"Yes." The snake's smile faded away. "Until the day I won."
Yearling and Martingale jerked forward where they sat. "You won?" they both asked.
"I won." The snake's eyes rolled back in memory. "I threw out a coil, knowing he'd block it. I didn't put my full strength into it, so when he blocked it and made to climb up the hole to the surface world, I whipped my tail around and hit him in the head. He never saw it coming. Knocked him unconscious. And I took the Ankh, and then the sun did whatever I wanted it to."
"So the sun never rose," Shining Armor muttered. "I wonder if that's when the unicorns began raising and lowering the sun and moon."
"I doubt they could have done it if someone else still held the Ankh of Amon," Martingale said. "And yet the sun rises and sets now. How did you lose the Ankh, Mr. Apep?"
"I didn't lose it. I had my turn playing with the sun in the Underworld, but you can't play with one toy all the time, now can you?" Apep made a snaky attempt at a shrug. "Besides, it wasn't mine. It belonged to Amon, so I went to give it back. I figured he'd have woken up by then.
"But when I went back to where we fought, Amon wasn't there anymore. I thought maybe he'd gone up the hole to the surface world, so I went up there." The snake leaned forward, and in a softer voice he continued, "I don't mean to insult you mortals, but your surface world is just so unbelievably weird. And it was weird even back then. No ceiling, no giant cave salamanders, lots of gritty sand and- well, it's your world. You know it better than I do.
"That's when I saw ponies for the first time. They were crying and wailing, and when I asked way, they told me that Amon, who brought the sun, had told them he wasn't going to do it anymore. That he had walked away into the desert, never to return." Apep lowered his head almost to the floor. "And he never did. I never saw Amon again."
"And that didn't make you happy?" Martingale asked, a little surprised.
"No," the snake said miserably. "When Amon was gone I realized he was the closest thing to a friend I ever had. The fights were always so much fun. But the ponies told me he hated the fighting. He only did it so they could have sun for their crops. He was just trying to get the sun up to his friends the ponies, and Apep, Ruler of the Underworld, Ruler of Darkness, and Big Fat Dummy, kept messing with him."
The snake gave a sigh that rippled down his entire length, running out one coil and back in the next through his gathered-up body. "I wanted to apologize. I wanted to make it right. So I used my power to raise a pyramid, and I mounted the Ankh inside it near the top, so a hawk could see it easily. And I taught the ponies how to use it to raise and lower the sun and moon.
"Then I made a place for myself deep under the pyramid to wait for my friend Amon. I thought that, if I left the Ankh out for him, one day he'd come back. But he never did, and at some point I guess I went to sleep."
"What woke you?" Yearling asked.
Apep's voice grew a little stern. "You did," he said. "After sleeping for, I don't know, thousands of years I suppose, I felt the Ankh of Amon leave the pyramid. That woke me up, but I waited a while hoping that Amon would come back into the Underworld now that he had his ankh back. When he didn't, I went back to the surface to find out what was going on.
"The ponies I met were different than the last time I came up here. They didn't remember me. And they didn't know about using the Ankh to raise the sun."
"Possibly the knowledge was lost when Celestia and Luna took over the duty," Martingale mused.
"I remember the ponies telling me about Celestia," Apep nodded. "And this new princess, Twilight Something-or-other."
"Sparkle," Shining Armor said. "Twilight Sparkle. And she's my sister!"
Apep looked directly at Shining for the first time. "Really?" he asked. "She raises the sun now? Does she like fighting?"
"She hates it," Shining said flatly. "But when someone forces her to do it, she's very good."
"She hates it," Apep repeated, slumping. "Never mind, then." Turning back to the writers, he continued, "But I didn't care about that. I don't care who raises the sun. If it gets done at all, that's fine by me. But I cared greatly who stole the Ankh of Amon. And when I asked the ponies, they told me it was Daring Do. And I could smell a particular pony all over the inside of the pyramid."
"I see," Yearling said. "So you came here and found a person- I mean a pony- who smells almost like her-"
"Exactly like her."
"But I don't have the Ankh."
"Then go get it! It's not yours, it's Amon's. Put it back where it belongs!"
"The real Daring Do is... let's say she's Ms. Yearling's twin," Martingale explained. "She collected the Ankh because, with Twilight Sparkle now raising the sun and moon, it was important that artifacts which might interfere with that duty be made safe. The Underworld may do well without the sun, but the surface world would suffer greatly." Martingale fixed Apep in his gaze and concluded, "And Daring Do told me that no other pony had set hoof in that pyramid for well over a thousand years. Nopony, Mr. Apep."
"You're saying Amon isn't coming back," Apep said in a very soft voice.
"A few archaeologists think he went to ancient Fleece," Martingale said. "Since that was the ancestral home of the harpies. But after that he disappeared completely. Nopony knows what happened to him. Nopony even knows that you defeated him. All the legends say that he always won- because if he ever lost, the world would be destroyed."
"I see." Apep sighed. "That's probably for the best. He deserves to be remembered for his fighting. He was the best." The snake let his head drop all the way to the floor. "I've made a lot of trouble for nothing, haven't I?"
Yearling tapped her chin with one hoof, eyes narrowed behind her glasses. "Not for nothing," she said. "Just outside that door are thousands of Daring Do fans who think you're the villain of her next adventure. How would you like to make sure that your friend's legend gets spread around the entire world?"
"I don't believe you!!"
Shining Armor had to stifle a laugh. There was Daring Do, the actual genuine oh-golly-gosh-she's-really-real Daring Do, aka A. K. Yearling, shouting at the human-world A. K. Yearling who had spent most of the day accompanied by an ancient serpent from the Underworld.
"I was two-thirds of the way through my first draft of Daring Do and the Perilous Pyramid!" Daring shouted. "And now you tell me I've got to throw it out and start again so I can wedge in Apep as a surplus baddie! With this tragic twist ending about how Apep just wants to meet his old foe in battle one last time? Do you know how hackneyed that is?"
"Look," Yearling said, "in my world you're a fictional character, all right? But here most of the stories are real. And out there," she jabbed a hoof at the doors leading into the autograph room where Apep was still dealing with huge lines of photo opportunity seekers, "is a very sad and lonely person, a real person, who deserves to have his story told!"
"He's really not a bad person," Shining Armor put in. "He won't attack anyone unless they're a fighter on his level. He's just a bit thoughtless."
"And lonely," Yearling continued. "Even I don't live as isolated a life as he does. He needs to be around other people. And if you do your job fairly, he'll be in high demand."
"And who knows?" Shining asked. "Maybe Amon is still around somewhere. And maybe he's a reader. You might get to make a sequel about the rematch!"
"UGH!" Daring Do threw up her hooves in frustration. "Fine. I suppose I should thank you for covering for me. Twice over. I mean, you did stop the monster I was hunting for."
"Yeah, you did," Shining Armor said, looking at Yearling. "I always enjoyed the Daring Do books because she was a brave fighter- a strong, heroic protector of right and justice."
Daring Do shifted her gaze away from Shining. "Uh, yeah, trust me," she muttered, "nopony's perfect."
"But you," Shining continued, "Ms. Yearling, you stood your ground and didn't fight. You talked the monster down. I think that took a lot more courage."
"I didn't really think about it," Yearling said. "But I take costume props very seriously... and I take my fans even more seriously. I couldn't stand by and let Apep mistreat them."
"Well, all I can say is," Shining Armor said, "this weekend I got to meet not one but TWO of my greatest heroes! And it's still only Thursday!" He grinned his goofiest nerd grin and shouted, "Best. Anniversary. Gift. EVER!!"
Yearling looked at Daring. "Anniversary?" she asked.
"Yeah," Daring Do said. "He's Prince Consort to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, co-ruler of the long-lost Crystal Empire."
It was Yearling's turn to grin a goofy nerd grin. "Long-lost empire?" she asked. "Tell me more!"
And around them, Con-Venture began to really get into gear.
Author's Note
My prompt:
When writing this, my main goal was to make a story that had the same kind of feeling and flavor as an actual episode of MLP:FiM. I'm not sure I quite got there structurally, but I'm happy with it in all other respects.
Con-Venture is not a convention at all, but a corporation dealing in big business meetings and events. Alas.
I never did get to Bronycon (and I very much regret not trying to get dealer space for the final one), but for three years I was a vendor at Otakon when it also was in the Baltimore Convention Center downtown. That let me throw little references in there with a basic mental image of how things were laid out. (And I threw in exploding manhole covers based on an actual incident from 2001...)
I didn't give this story the Equestria Girls tag because that would have been a spoiler. (Also, A. K. Yearling is never actually seen, only referred to, in "Movie Magic".)
Apep... well, you might know him better as Apophis. The actual Egyptian mythical monster is NOT actually a nice person once you get to know him. But this is Equestria.
Thanks to HapHazred for giving it a once-over and suggesting a couple of minor tweaks.
