Honestly My Best Chance at Getting a Bunch of You to Read Another Horrible Story of a Mine Is to Give It a Really Ridiculous Long Title and Give It Wacky Surreal Cover Art. Now I Just Need to Add Some Horrible Writing to the Mix and We Should Be Good

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Starlight Glimmer, Fetish, Profanity, Random
Length: 1478

Starlight liquifies Applejack. Oops.

Starlight liquifies Applejack. Oops.

Published 2020-10-02 11:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2020-10-02 11:50:00 UTC

Note: I finished this story like half a year after I started it, and it shows. But at least I actually got some writing done for a change.

"Twilight," Rainbow Dash asked tepidly, "why the fuck are we pregnant?"

"Well," Twilight replied, "we must be in another stupid Super Trampoline fic. By now, seems like it is completely impossible for him actually write a story that doesn't break the fourth wall and go meta."

"Huh," Rainbow replied. "Well, like, could we not be pregnant in this one? I don't really want to have kids."

"I, uh, probably? Yo, Supes, Do we have to be pregnant in this story?"

Haha, fuck no, that cover art is just to get people's attention and reel them in. Y'all can do whatever the fuck you want in this story.

"Even cocaine?" Rainbow asked hopefully.

Twilight slapped her with a wing. "Rainbow, seriously?!"

Rainbow turned to Twilight, annoyed. "Seriously, Twilight! We're basically gods, in that we can do whatever the author thinks is a reasonable thing for us to do withing the nebulous definition of 'in character'."

"Right, okay, I get that. But like, it feels like lately every. single. fucking. story. has us breaking the fourth wall. It's so predicable!"

"I mean, what else do you suggest we do?" Rainbow asked.

Twilight sighed. "Well, until Super Trampoline's depression and anxiety pills start to kick in in about a month now that he has a prescription again," we're just going to have to deal with more of the same old shitty status quo."

Pinkie chimed in. "Hey, girls, I'm going to be the mature one here for a change and say we should probably get some semblance of a plot going."

Haha, so update, half a year later, I've been taking anxiety and depression pills for a good bit maybe not half a year but like three or four months, and I'm still a lazy piece of shit but at least thanks to that unemployment money I have a new (well, used but new to me) car and a good part-time delivery job, so maybe I can actually finish this story. I better get to the actual story before this story gets removed by the mods for being too meta yet again. So anyway yeah Pinkie Pie you go ahead and take off and do whatever you were going to do with this story, I trust you and put you in control this story. Have fun. ~~Oh no it's just that's my brand. I'm just trying to get some writing done you know what I'm saying like you got to start somewhere and get the writing flowing. The more writing you do the easier it is to do the writing. Yeah people expect crap for my stories, that's why the stories, that's why they're called shitfics because they're shit. I am still using my voice to text right now. Sorry y'all, I'm talking to my really cute boyfriend right now. He's trying to discourage me. But you love me haha you're smiling you're smiling cutie pie. Yes it's all in the story~~

So anyway, Pink Ponk was like "Hey what do you guys want to do like, we could go annoy Starlight Glimmer or something."

Applejack suddenly appeared. And she was like, "Boy howdy, y'all! Sugarcube. Sugarcube sugarcube y'all sugarcube. Y'all howdy! country aphorism."

Twilight sighed. "All right, what the fuck happened to Applejack? I think she's broken."

"Sugarcube?" Applejack softly mewled.

Suddenly Starlight Glimmer popped into the story. Wow what a colorful cast of characters we are assembling. They're colorful because they're all Technicolor magical ponies and they have brightly colored fur! Anyway Starlight showed up and was like, "Hey Everypony. I apologize, I was running an experiment on Applejack and I might have accidentally ummm..." The others looked at her in anticipation, and in the case of Twilight, a bit of peevedoffness. Starlight did that nervous laugh thing she does quite often since she's quite frequently fucking shit up. "heh, well, uh, I think I kind of broke her I'm not really sure why but she won't stop saying 'y'all' and 'sugarcube' and country aphorisms. So yeah I guess I fucked up. My b, fam, my b."

Twilight sighed again, then put on her "no, everything is definitely alright; I'm doing fine, why do you ask?" face that was a strong indicator to her friends that, no, to misquote Magical Mystery Cure everything was not in fact certainly fine. "Starlight. Dearest student of mine, what the fuck did you do this time?"

"There's a snake in mah boot!" Applejack exclaimed to no one in particular. Heh, this could be a pretty funny premise in the hands or should I say hooves of a better less craptastic author. Oh well. Part of life is settling for the mediocre. Although calling me a mediocre author is kind of being overly generous.

Starlight again did her nervous laugh and blushed slightly. "Well, I was trying to distill the very essence of Applejack. And somewhere along the line, I accidentally took most of her essence and rung it out of her. It's a dark yellow liquid now that's sitting in the downstairs fridge. Looks a lot like, well, you know, Apple juice."

Spike entered the story so that I can set up a bad joke. But also, you know, he lives in the Crystal Castle, which I guess is where this story is taking place now question mark. So it's not really out of place for him to be here.

"Wait, that wasn't pee?" Spike exclaimed.

Twilight facehoofed. "Spike, did you drink Applejack on accident, thinking it was..." her face turned to disgust. "...pee?"

Spike, with the confidence of someone resigned to the fact that they're very fucked up but have stopped giving a shit, like those people who wear those ahegao sweatshirts with stolen art on them in public, replied, "So I like drinking pee. Got a problem with that? Are you kink-shaming me, Twilight?"

There were multitudinous answers with which Sparklehorse wanted to reply, but for the sake of her dear friend Applejack, she held her tongue--although she made a mental note to later on have a very long talk with Spike about forcing your weird-ass fetishes upon the non-consenting public and how that's not cool my dude--and simply said, "BOI"

She looked as though she was about to speak several times, before eventually sighing yet again and resignedly saying, "Pinkie, you're into weird shit. I'm just noped out right now, can you take this one please?"

Ponkers who was still in this story after all despite not doing a single lol random thing in the text yet, was glad to help out her good friend Twilight. "Spike, what Twilight is trying to say is that you drank Applejack or something because Starlight Glimmer is a dumbfuck who doesn't label the dark yellow liquids she puts in our fucking communal shared fridge. Ipso facto, I don't know how this all works, but I think we're going to have to induce vomiting or something I don't know. I know technically horses can't vomit unless something's gone super wrong, but also I am obliged to mention that it is extremely heavily implied that I and other ponies were vomiting in the fifth episode of our series, wherein Applejack--who is sleep deprived--fucks up my baking project with fucking worms. Jesus Christ, that was a shitshow. Fuck I forgot where I was in that run-on sentence. Anyway, Spork, how long ago did you drink that stuff?

Spike was going to answer, but then Starlight popped back in after doing one of her signiture rapid teleportations. "Hey y'all, nevermind, crisis averted, I looked again and found Appledrink, it was still in the fridge, just someone moved it when they put away some salad. Wait, Spike, what the fuck did you drink then?"

"Oh good," Spike said, relieved. "So that was Rarity's pee I drank after all."

"What the fuck is wrong with all of you?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Really Rainbow? Like you've never dranken? Drinken? drunk?? drank thank you jack. Like you've never drank AJ's piss?"

"Fuck no!" Rainbow shot back. "I'm not a fucking degenerate."

Twilight sighed again. "Alright, well, that's enough of... " she gestured at the whole scene in general "whatever the fuck this is. Y'all figure this shit out and let me know when you have. I'm going to pop some Xannies and try to forget the last ten minutes of my life."

Rainbow elaborated. "I only eat poop like a civilized person."

At this moment, A loud bang was heard, which was quickly ascertained to have been Twilight blowing her brains out. And I mean, fuck, can you blame her?

"Sugarcube?"

Author's Note

What the actual fuck did I just write?