Topsy Turvy Tourism

by Greatazuredragon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Grogar
Length: 10119

Diamond Tiara goes on a tour of the Big Apple alongside a clueless tourist, a happy-go-lucky gargoyle and a disgruntled retired dark lord. Just another day in the life of a Ponyville pony.

As her father dragged her to Manehattan for a business trip, Diamond Tiara was more than ready to do whatever it took to avoid a very long and boring stay at a hotel room while Filthy Rich finished his deals. As such, when she found out about a tour of the Big Apple and all its sights and wonders, she grabbed the idea with both hooves as a far better way of spending the day, after all, anything was better than being bored out of her mind as she stayed stuck in a room with nothing to do!

Of course, considering that her companions for said tour ended up being a grumpy retired dark lord, his extremely cheerful gargoyle son-in-law, and an utterly clueless saddle arabian tourist, she soon realized that a bit of boredom once in a while may not be that bad when all is said and done.

My attempt at the Season 10 Bingo Writing Contest, so let’s see if I can turn five randomly generated prompts into a story, shall we?

For those who are curious, those prompts were: Grogar; Diamond Tiara; Scorpan; Manehattan; and Saddle Arabia.

Proofreader: The relentless TranquilClaws!

Contest Results: Fourth Place

Published 2020-02-28 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-23 22:26:32 UTC

I - The Big Apple

The Big Apple

“Now, my little princess, make sure to behave yourself during the tour!” Filthy Rich said to Diamond Tiara as he simultaneously checked out that his daughter had the ticket for the tour, fretted if she had everything she could need for it still on her custom-made brand saddlebags, and worried about her general state of being, despite the fact he had already done all of those things more than three times back at the hotel after they had their breakfast, and twice more during the cab drive. All the while he kept stealing glances at both his pocket watch and at the clock placed on the wall of the tourism agency to make sure he wasn’t going to be late. “Remember to be polite, follow the tour guide instructions, and above all else do not wander off! Manehattan is a very big place, and I don’t want you risking getting lost!”

“Yes, daddy,” the pink-coated filly answered for what she felt was the tenth time in five minutes as she consciously fought back the urge to roll her eyes. She loved her father, she really did, but sometimes he acted like she was still a foal! She knew how to take care of herself, for Celestia’s sake! “I shall stay close to the tour guide at all times and shall not wander off, promise!”

“Very good, very good,” Filthy Rich said as if he was trying to convince himself of the truth of her words as he nervously looked one way and then another at the throng of ponies bustling all around them while biting his lower lips.

Seeing that, Diamond decided that a small intervention would not be amiss. It had taken her forever to convince her dad that allowing her to take this tour alone was a good idea! And considering how the only other option available to her should he decide to cancel it on the last-minute would be to stay locked inside their hotel room, bored out of her mind for hours as Filthy attended the very important business meeting that had caused them to come to Manehattan in the first place, she had a vested interest in not allowing him time to change his mind!

“Shouldn’t you hurry along, daddy?” she innocently inquired as she batted her eyelashes at the black-maned stallion, before she gasped as her eyes accidentally landed on the nearby clock. “It’s nearly time for your meeting! And you know how chaotic the traffic here can be! You better hurry if you don’t want to be late!”

The stallion looked at the clock himself one more time, before he looked at the very large, and very well reputed, tourism agency he was about to entrust his precious princess to for the day, and finally looked towards the still angelically smiling filly in question with a very conflicted look on his face.

“Are you sure you will be alright by yourself, princess?” he asked while fidgeting in place, his nervousness and worry clear for all to see, before he hopefully added. “I mean, it really wouldn’t be a bother to drop you at the hotel as I make my way to the meeting.”

“Positive!” Diamond loudly proclaimed as she made sure to keep her eyes as wide and sparkling as possible. Sure, thanks to the Cutie Mark Crusaders she had learned that manipulating other ponies was wrong, that it shouldn’t be done and that it never really ended up well to the one doing it. One only had to look at her mother to see where that road ended, after all! But desperate times demanded desperate measures! And like hay was she staying cooped all alone inside a room staring at a wall for over three hours due to her father needless fretting! “Don’t worry; you know that Big Apple’s Tours has a spotless reputation! Everything will be just fine!”

“Well, if you are sure…” Filthy Reach hesitatingly said, before Diamond rushed forward and hugged him as a farewell so that he would get on with the plan already! “Take care, Diamond! Stay with the tour and enjoy your day, I will come get you right here in a few hours!”

“Will do, daddy! Have a nice day!” she enthusiastically said with a beaming smile as he finally started to enter the cab waiting by the sidewalk.

“Be careful, princess! And stay with the tour!” he shouted while putting his head outside the already departing cab.

“Don’t worry, I will!” she immediately replied while waving a hoof in farewell while maintaining a huge smile on her muzzle. A pose she kept for several moments longer until the cab turned at a corner and removed her from her father’s view. At which moment she promptly dropped it and let out a tired sigh.

Seriously, her father worried too much! Were they Ponyville ponies or not? What did the Big Apple have that could hold a candle to Ponyville, the Weirdness Central of Equestria itself? The place where a bucking crystal-tree-palace-thingy springing out of the ground after an attack by a magic stealing centaur didn’t get more than a cursory look by the inhabitants? The place where a monster attack of a huge bear-bee chimera wasn’t deemed important enough to even delay a wedding? She was a grown filly and knew how to take care of herself!

Scoffing in amusement at her father’s needless over worrying, Diamond Tiara walked into the building and towards where the tour group was supposed to gather, head held high and confident in the knowledge that she could easily deal with whatever it was that Manehattan could throw her way. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

As she stood in the very nicely furnished sitting room of the tour agency waiting for her fellow tour goers to slowly trickle in, Diamond had to admit that, as far as first impressions went, Big Apple's Tours seemed to live up to it's hype. The snacks offered as they waited were top-notch, the decoration was both tasteful and richly done, the seats were extremely comfy, and the staff was incredibly professional.

Yes, as she sipped at a glass of cooled, freshly squeezed apple juice and rested at a very comfortable chair while waiting for the tour to start, Diamond Tiara could safely say that convincing her father to let her go on this tour had been a stroke of genius!

“Greetings, young one, may I take a seat by your side?” somepony very cheerfully asked, making the pink filly to stop her woolgathering and focus on the pony who had just asked if the seat by her side was available.

“Yes, sure,” she said after a moment as she realized that the speaker wasn’t exactly a pony, what with his long thin legs and overall height, but was actually a saddle arabian, “The seat is free.”

“Marvelous!” the large sand colored horse happily proclaimed as he adjusted his flowing robe-like garments before squeezing himself on a seat that had clearly been designed to accommodate beings slightly smaller than his form. After fixing the large camera he was carrying around his neck, he turned towards Diamond with a blinding smile as he offered her his hoof in greeting. “I’m Nabid Mubtahij, or Joyous Spring in Equestrian I believe, a pleasure to meet you!”

“Diamond Tiara, it’s a pleasure,” she replied after a moment of hesitation as she shook the odd stallion’s hoof, taken a little aback by the sudden appearance of the foreign equine. Oh, sure, she knew that Manehattan was the very definition of cosmopolitan, easily being the city with the greatest diversity of beings in the whole of Equestria. But even then that didn’t mean she had expected to meet a saddle arabian out of the blue.

“Excellent! Oh, I’m so excited for this tour! How about you? I must say that I can’t wait to see the sights and wonders of the Big Apple! I’m touring through most of Equestria and I must say-” Joyous Spring started to cheerfully speak at an ever increasing pace, not leaving Diamond much of a chance to reply. Not that he seemed to mind overly much, despite the fact that every third phrase seemed to be a question of some sort.

As the deluge of happy babble kept pouring out of the stallion’s mouth as if it was a spring of words, making Diamond ponder that his parent’s name choice had been oddly appropriate, it took the pink earth pony a few moments to realize that the constant murmur of conversation normally found in an enclosed space filled with chattering ponies had ground to a halt. That an eerie silence had befallen the crowd as only Joyous Spring kept talking.

Tuning out the odd stallion, Diamond attempted to see what had caused this sudden change, as each and every instinct she had developed as a Ponyville pony told her in no uncertain terms that seeking cover as soon as possible might be a good idea.

“Completely crowded, fantastic!” a deep gravelly voice growled from the entryway, sarcasm dripping out of each word. “Why, by the great abyss, did I let Stheno convince me to join you in this idiocy?”

A tiny movement from the ponies in front of her allowed Diamond to see the owner of the gravelly voice as an opening appeared in the crowd, only for her to gasp in surprise as she felt her blood run cold. For there, standing at the doorway to the room stood a figure that any pony that had ever bothered to open a storybook would recognize. He was a large ram, his coat a deep-blue with a mane white as bone, two curling black horns on the top of his head and vivid crimson eyes.

“C’mon, dad, it isn’t that bad!” a tall brown colored biped creature with bat-like wings and a lion’s mane cheerfully interject to the very angry looking ram. Only for said ram to grab him by the front of his mane and forcefully drag him towards his eye level.

“Let’s make something perfectly clear, your sorry excuse for a sculpture!” Grogar, the Tyrant of Tambelom, the Dark Warlock, the Father of Monsters, a villain straight from a foal’s storybook, growled at the still cheerfully smiling gargoyle held tight on his grasp. “My darling daughter may have, for reasons that elude me, decided to marry you! But that does not mean you may refer to me in such a familiar way!”

“Oh, don’t be like that, dad!” the gargoyle happily continued, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that Grogar’s horns were slowly being enveloped by a black miasma with each cheerful word that left his mouth, or how the ram’s eyes were now shining with a deep crimson light. “Can’t we just get along? We’re family after all! And besides, Stheno asked us to spend some quality time together as she dealt with her little business venture!”

“I will gut you!” Grogar hissed through clenched teeth as darkness seemed to slowly seep out of his very form as he glared at the still happily smiling gargoyle.

As if his words had been some kind of signal, the silent and completely still crowd of ponies that had been watching the whole scene unfold exploded into action in typical pony fashion, as they all proceeded to scream and run away every which way in a blind panic.

And as she watched the growing chaos from her very comfortable seat, Diamond Tiara decided that maybe coming to this tour hadn’t been such a great idea, after all.

Author's Note

And so Diamond Tiara’s little tour of the Big Apple begins! Let the shenanigans ensue! Hope you all enjoy it!

And in a separate note: Why isn't there either a Scorpan or Saddle Arabian tag?

Mandatory Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

II - If You Can Make It Here...

If You Can Make It Here…

As the panicky mass of ponies screamed to the heavens and ran every which way inside the room like a band of headless chickens, Diamond maintained her calm and assessed the situation. This wasn’t her first rodeo, after all, sweet Celestia, it wasn’t even her tenth!

Her eyes immediately locked themselves first onto the main entryway and its large double doors, the quickest and easiest way out of the room. But the warlock standing smack in the middle of said entrance made it a no go. There was a service door at the faraway corner of the room too, behind the table containing the various appetizers and snacks she had been savoring but moments ago. Doable, but still a doubtful proposition due to the distance involved and the lack of cover leading that way. And finally, there were the many windows all around the back wall, they were far too small for a grown pony, but that wouldn’t be a problem for her. Reaching them unnoticed could be a problem though.

The most likely escape routes now catalogued, Diamond turned her eyes to the very disgruntled looking ram that was glaring at the screaming mass of ponies with open contempt. Though the utter lack of aggression the dark lord was showing towards said mass of screaming ponies was somewhat confusing, most monsters would have long since attacked if only to get some peace and quiet by this point.

“And the screeching and yelling starts, truly, this was such a wonderful idea, wasn’t it?” Grogar sarcastically spat as he glowered at the now slightly concerned looking gargoyle at his side. “This was why I wanted to go to the gryphon place! At least they have some guts and don’t panic for no good reason!”

“Oh, my… Please, calm down everyone, he’s harmless, I promise!” the gargoyle tried to placate the out of control mob, arms opened wide and a tremulous smile on his features as he gestured them to calm down.

“Who are you calling harmless, your talking pile of rocks!” Grogar roared as he forcefully grabbed the gargoyle once again and shoved him straight against the wall with a resounding thump.

“C’mon, dad, don’t be like that!” the tall biped happily retorted, apparently both completely unharmed by the action and unbothered by the fact that there was now plaster and bits of wall falling all around him. “We both know that you are a softy deep inside!”

The Tyrant of Tambelon's crimson eyes, shining like two pits from the depths of Tartarus itself, glared at the gargoyle, as darkness seeped out of his horns and a growl made itself known to the still smiling gargoyle's face. “Whatever I did to be cursed with you in my life, I didn’t enjoy it nearly enough at the time for it to have been worth it!”

As the two continued their bickering, Diamond considered making good on her escape as they were distracted, but in the end decided to remain seated for two reasons: The first was that she noticed that, for some reason, the dreaded warlock hadn’t attacked yet, or even made any aggressive moves towards the panicking herd for that matter, despite being more than close enough to be able to do so with ease. The second, was that said panicking herd was acting with all the self-preservation and foresight of somepony who had never seen a monster attack in their lives, mindlessly running and stomping every which way while screaming at the top of their lungs and really not paying attention to where they were going. Really, not even the Flower Trio back home was this bad! And since she had no desire to be trampled by the panicky mass, the pink-coated filly decided that remaining on her seat for the moment was perfectly fine, thank you very much!

“Oh, my! What a commotion! Is he a famous character or something of the sort for everyone to be this excited?” the saddle arabian by her side obliviously asked as he looked at the whole pandemonium apparently without a hint of worry, nothing but a look of pure curiosity on his muzzle.

“How can you not know who he is!?” Diamond incredulously asked as she looked at the tourist as if he had just spouted that the planet circled around the sun or some other such absurdity! Sure, Grogar hadn’t been active for millennia, longer than the alicorn sisters had reigned, but he was still one of the most infamous and notorious villains to ever walk the world! “That’s Grogar, the Tyrant of Tambelon, the Dark Warlock, the Father of Monsters! How can you not know who he is?!”

“A celebrity indeed, how wondrous!” Joyous Spring cheerfully exclaimed as he clapped his forehooves in delight, clearly not getting the message. “I wonder if he would mind having his picture taken?”

For a moment Diamond completely forgot about the evil dark lord threateningly glowering at them all and the still screaming mass of panicking ponies causing a raucous, and simply stared at the sand colored horse sitting by her side as her mind tried and failed to reconcile what she had just heard with reality, until an angry, gravelly voice resounded through the room, breaking her out of it.

“By the great abyss, enough with all this nonsense!” the ram shouted to the room at large, his deep voice actually managing to cut through the growing cacophony as he glared the screaming herd into submission before he forcefully opened the double doors and pointed towards them with a hoof to the now completely still herd. “Stop with all this damned screeching already, or get out!”

As if Grogar's words had been the edict of a god, the majority of ponies in the room proceeded to follow the second option of his demand with such speed that Diamond had to grudgingly admit it was quite impressive, what with how the room went from packed to capacity to nearly empty in a little more time than it took for Pinkie to set up a party.

Now if only the oblivious happily smiling saddle arabian by her side hadn't decided to catch her mid-jump and slowly lower her to the ground in an attempt to be helpful, she might have been making a break for it with the other ponies.

“And good riddance!” Grogar happily proclaimed as he forcefully shut down the doors with a bang, locking Diamond Tiara and Joyous Spring in the room with him and the gargoyle.

“Here you are, little one, do be careful when getting off such high places, yes?” Joyous Spring chirped as he beamed at the exasperated looking pink-coated filly, before he turned towards the still very angry looking dark lord. “Now, if you could excuse me for a moment.”

Diamond simply stood there and stared as the apparently suicidal equine fearlessly marched straight towards one of the most dangerous beings to ever roam the known world without a hint of fear or hesitation, a happy smile firm on his muzzle.

“Hello, pleasure to meet you!” the saddle arabian chirped as he raised his hoof in greeting towards a now slightly confused, but still angry looking dark lord, and an equally cheerfully smiling gargoyle. “I’m Nabid Mubtahij, or Joyous Spring as they would say in Equestria!”

“Hello, Joyous Spring, a pleasure to meet you too!” the tall biped immediately replied as he grabbed the offered hoof with one of his hands and eagerly shook it. “I’m Scorpan, and this is my father-in-law, Grogar!”

“What do you want?” the ram growled with narrowed eyes as he eyed the energetic greeting the two smiling beings were sharing with open contempt.

“Well, my new friend over there informed me that you are a being of great renown!” Joyous Spring easily answered as he pointed straight towards her, making the growling dark lord stare at her for far too long for her personal comfort. “And as such I would like to ask if you would not mind if I took your photo? For it would please me greatly if I were able to acquire a picture of your esteemed persona so that I could share it with my family when I return from my vacation!”

“What?” Grogar forcefully asked in clear bewilderment, apparently every bit as lost as Diamond currently felt with the whole situation.

“Oh, this is a great idea! He wouldn’t mind, would you dad?” Scorpan happily replied as he completely ignored the ram’s words as he all but skipped towards Joyous Spring. “Oh, I know! Why don’t I take a picture of both of you together?”

“Marvelous idea!” Joyous Spring immediately replied as he offered the large camera hanging around his neck to the smiling gargoyle and swiftly proceeded to stand right next to Grogar’s still slightly dumbfounded form.

“What?! Now wait just a minute-!” the Tyrant of Tambelom all but shouted as he shook off his stupor at the absurdity of it all, only for his words to be cut short as the flash of the camera shone brightly and blinded them all for a moment, and then immediately proceeded to snarl towards the one responsible for said flash as spots danced in front of his eyes. “Scorpan!”

“Perfect! Would you liked another one?” the gargoyle in question said to Joyous Spring as the saddle Arabian left Grogar’s side, apparently completely ignoring the now very angry dark lord’s words.

“There is no need, one is more than enough! Many thanks, my friend!” the equine happily proclaimed as he accepted the camera back.

“You’re welcomed!” the gargoyle replied with an equally blinding smile. Both of them apparently not noticing the angry warlock right next to them.

“Oh, dear Faust… there are two of them…” Grogar hissed under his breath as his crimson eyes kept going from Scorpan to Joyous, an odd mix of incredulity and fury on his features.

“Lady and gentlebeings, greetings, I’m Prompt Service and I shall be your guide this fine day,” a very formal and proper voice resounded through the silent room, breaking Diamond out of the stupor the oddity of it all had placed her under as she blinked and turned towards whoever it was that had decided to brave this whole mess. “If you could accompany me, the tour is about to start.

“Due to the sudden and unexpected withdrawal of several patrons of the tour we shall be taking a smaller carriage as we provide you with a personal tour due to the group’s reduced numbers,” the very prim and proper looking blue-coated unicorn wearing a fashionable suit with the small logo of an apple on his breast pocket politely informed them. All the while, somehow, just like the clueless foreigner, completely ignoring the fact that a villain straight out of a fairy tale was standing right next to them all! “Rest assured, this change will incur no additional costs to you. Now please, if you all could follow me?”

The unicorn acting like nothing odd or noteworthy was happening, despite over twenty ponies having ran out of the room screaming for their lives but a moment ago, asked while Joyous Spring, Scorpan of all beings, and bucking Grogar, Started to move towards him. And finally it all became simply too much for the young filly’s fraying temper.

“You can’t be serious!” Diamond Tiara shouted, anger and incredulity surpassing her self-preservation for a moment, as she forcefully pointed out to the still scowling warlock now placidly standing right next to the guide.

“That’s Grogar, the Dread Warlock!” she continued, as if making sure the dimwit hadn’t somehow missed this particular point. “You can’t possibly expect us to go on a tour with this ram of all beings! Are you out of your bucking mind?!”

Part of Diamond’s mind knew that this outburst was not logical, point in fact it was anything but logical, what with how it could easily single her out and incite the oddly placid villain in their midst to attack. But seeing both the unicorn and the saddle arabian acting like having bucking Grogar right next to them was no big deal was simply too much! She had dealt with some of Discord’s weirdness that had made more sense than this!

The answering words coming from Prompt Service in answer to her demand only reinforced that notion.

“Young lady, I must inform you that discrimination of another being due to his species is a criminal offense punishable under Equestrian law, and that we at Big Apple Tour’s do not allow such behavior in our premises,” he coolly said as he gave her an admonishing look and a small head-shake in apparent disappointment. “Please refrain from such improper behavior during the tour.”

Diamond simply gaped for a moment as she tried and failed to comprehend the unicorn’s words. Until with a shake of her head she glared at the unicorn and proceeded to indignantly shout. “I’m not a specist!”

“Excellent, if that’s the case them let us proceed immediately with the tour,” Prompt Service politely answered, completely missing Diamond’s point by several miles as he moved towards the once again gaping filly. “Now, my young lady, your father has left us with very specific instructions in regards to your tour, as such, please remain close to me at all times, as I’ll be your chaperone for the whole event.”

“What?!” she incredulously asked. Only to be summarily ignored as the blue-coated unicorn started to gently guide her towards the door alongside her new tour companions.

“If Discord is behind this I’ll make him regret it!” Diamond hissed under her breath while she tried to wrap her mind with how the hay she had ended into a small tour carriage less than two seats away from a notoriously known villainous historic figure.

“Are you not enjoying the tour, my young friend?” Joyous Spring inquired as he stopped taking pictures of the passing landmarks while Prompt Service kept monologuing about their stories and other such nonsense.

“Seriously!” Diamond growled as she glared at both the smiling saddle arabian and the completely unruffled unicorn, both of which were acting as if Grogar being in close proximity to them was a nonissue. “How can you be this carefree with him right there! He is a dark lord for Celestia’s sake!”

“Oh, if that’s what has been bothering you them you can rest easy!” Scorpan, the other historical figure straight from her school books sharing the carriage with her, cheerfully interjected. “Dad has long since retired from being a dark lord!”

“What? How can a dark lord even retire?!” the filly questioned in utter bewilderment, now more certain than ever that Discord had to be behind this bunch of nonsense somehow!

“Simple, you grow bored with the job and decide to stop doing it,” Grogar answered with barely a glance her way as he got up from his seat as the carriage ground to a halt at their next stop.

“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Diamond angrily exclaimed as Prompt Service gently but firmly led her out of the vehicle. “You can’t simply decide to stop being a dark lord because you grew bored with it!”

“I don’t care,” Grogar shot back with a roll of his eyes as they stepped outside the carriage. An action that was accompanied by several shouts of panic as the ponies on the street saw him.

“Every. Single. Time!” the ram growled in clear irritation as he glared at the screaming ponies, which had long since started to stampede. All the while Prompt Service kept talking about how the Celestial Kingdom Building was the largest skyscraper in the world and the history behind the building, completely unconcerned with what was happening around the tour group.

“Don’t be like that, dad! I’m sure they will warm up to you eventually!” Scorpan said as he hugged his father-in-law with one arm in an attempt to improve his mood, before gesturing to the saddle arabian happily taking photos of both the building and the panicking mob. “Joyous Spring doesn’t have a problem with you, after all!”

“All of my hatred,” Grogar growled towards the gargoyle as his eyes burned as if molten pits and his hoof started to move towards his son-in-law’s throat, only for a severe voice to cut his actions short.

“Is there a problem here?” an earth pony accompanied by a pegasus, both of them wearing the uniforms of manehattan’s police force, questioned as he eyed the ram cautiously, his right hoof never leaving the small crossbow at his side.

“Yes!” Grogar forcefully interjected before Diamond could even open her mouth, and then proceeded to point towards the still panicking mass of ponies. “Tell them to stop with this public disturbance and cease and desist with their needless hysterics!

“I swear, every single time I come to a pony settlement you lot panic for no good reason! It’s really annoying!” the dreaded Tyrant of Tambelon ranted to the, now more than a little confused looking, police ponies as he forcefully freed himself from Scorpan’s embrace and moved towards them.

“I see…” the earth pony said in a tone of voice that made it clear that he really didn’t. He traded a lost look with his equally confused looking partner, but after a few more moments, and having no better idea to how best to proceed, decided that it would be best to follow protocol. “Do you have your documentation with you?”

“Obviously,” the ram huffed in indignation as he grabbed a bundle of papers from the red collar thing around his neck and promptly shoved them to the confused looking officer.

Diamond Tiara simply stared at it all with a very surreal feeling as she wondered if this wasn’t a really weird dream of some kind, all the while the police pony carefully checked the warlock’s documents several times over.

“W-well, mister Grogar, everything… seems to be in order,” the officer said with a very uncertain look as he returned the papers to the unamused looking ram. “We will see what we can do to calm the mob down.”

“Why aren’t you arresting him?!”Diamond couldn’t help but screech, now more than a little feed up that nopony seemed to be taking the fact that Grogar of all bucking beings was gallivanting through the Big Apple seriously!

“Under what charges, little pony?” Grogar interjected before anyone could say anything else, a smirk firm on his features as he gazed at the fuming pink filly.

“You are a dark lord!”

“Retired dark lord,” Scorpan helpfully interjected, gaining a pair of glares from both Diamond and Grogar for his troubles.

“Stay out of this, rock-for-brains! Listen up, you little rugrat,” the ram said with an aggravated huff as he turned his back to Scorpan and focused solely on Diamond. “Even if you ignore that I’m retired, the fact remains that I haven’t broken any of your little country’s, oh so precious, laws. And as such, they cannot arrest me!”

“You killed thousands of beings!”

“Foolish pony, that’s ancient history that happened long before Equestria ever existed, much less its laws!” he told her with an even larger smirk as he nonchalantly inspected a hoof. “Any and all ‘crimes’ that I may or may not have committed in the distant past have long since lost all validity and prescribed by your own laws, and as such, as long as I do not commit any new unlawful behavior, there’s nothing to allow them to arrest me!”

Diamond simply gaped as she kept staring at the very smug looking retired dark lord, before she slowly turned her questioning gaze to the now very uncomfortable looking police ponies to the side.

“He is not wrong…” the pegasus officer finally said as he avoided her gaze and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

“-and that’s the entirety of this proud building’s history,” Prompt Service wrapped up his speech, which he had apparently kept going despite everything that was happening or the fact that only Joyous Spring had been paying him any attention. “Now then, if you could proceed back to the carriage we shall depart to our next stop.”

And as she was guided back to said vehicle, past two confused and befuddled police ponies and right next to a very, very smug looking retired dark lord, a very irritated and confused Diamond Tiara decided that all this mess being Discord’s fault was becoming more likely by the second.

“The Statue of Neighberty is one of our cities most famous landmarks. It was a gift from Prance in thanks for Princess Celestia’s aid during the great-” Prompt Service promptly started to drone on and on about the massive statue by the waterfront with flawless professionalism. Diamond Tiara had to give the tour guide his due, he clearly took his job very seriously.

“Not too shabby,” Grogar grunted as he looked at the huge metal mare in what someone could call a complimentary tone, if they were feeling generous.

“Really?” Diamond asked with a hint of incredulity. Now a little more at ease as she concluded that if he hadn’t attacked her by now, he probably wouldn’t do so. Not that that didn’t mean that the Father of Monsters didn’t have some other nefarious plot she hadn’t managed to discover yet! But at least it meant she was safe enough for the moment. Probably.

“You sound skeptical,” Grogar halfheartedly snarked as he took in Scorpan and Joyous cheerfully chatting with each other with a wary eye.

“Well, sorry if I find the idea of the Tyrant of Tambelon appreciating a monument dedicated to liberty odd!” Diamond huffed in annoyance, far more annoyed than scared with this whole fiasco now that her survival instincts had been somewhat assuaged that she wasn’t about to be collateral for a rampaging dark lord.

“This may surprise you, little foal, but I put a lot of stock on the idea of freedom,” Grogar nonchalantly replied, only to earn a huff of disbelief from the pink filly. “I’m being perfectly honest! After all, one should be free to do as they please, as long as they have the power to do so!

“I had the power to subjugate Tambelon, and as such was free to become its ruler,” he explained as if it was obvious. “The prench had the power to overthrow their oppressors, and as such were free to do so!”

“Right…” Diamond answered halfheartedly, a little unnerved by the fact that the retired dark lord’s idea of how freedom worked had more than a few parallels with some of the lessons Spoiled had forced down her throat throughout the years.

“Yes, it’s quite simple, really. All you have to do is keep in mind that-” the ram continued with growing enthusiasm as the hint of a smile slowly surfaced on his stony features. Only for it all to swiftly disappear as a plastic replica of the statue’s crown was unceremoniously shoved upon his head.

“Oh, yes, this indeed looks great on you, dad!” Scorpan cheerfully exclaimed as he took a step backwards in order to better appreciate the new accessory he had gifted Grogar with, completely unbothered by the fact that if looks could kill he would’ve been dead thrice over due to the glare the ram was throwing his way. “What do you think, Joyous?”

A blinding flash later and the saddle arabian lowered his camera as he gave the very disgruntled and annoyed looking retired dark lord, now sporting a cheap plastic replica of the crown of the Statue of Neighberty, a smile just as blinding as the flash of his camera. “Glorious, it truly suits his regal features!”

“It does indeed!” Scorpan happily agreed with a series of nods, before he swiftly turned around as something else caught his attention. “Oh, they have telescopes over there! Let’s go see the city’s skyline!”

And just like that, Scorpan left them behind, Joyous Spring hot on his heels. Not paying any mind to the fact that the plastic crown he had placed upon his father-in-law’s head was slowly melting away from the brow of the very angry looking warlock glaring at his back.

“All of my hatred, all of it!” Grogar spat as if it was the vilest curse in existence.

“If his actions annoy you so much, why do you let him get away with them?” Diamond Tiara couldn’t help but ask, bemused by the fact that she had seen Scorpan pull such stunts repeatedly as the tour progressed and yet Grogar did extremely little to stop him.

“Have you ever heard the expression: He has rocks for brains?” the warlock asked as he kept glaring at Scorpan’s direction. Diamond for her part simply nodded her head, now slightly confused. “Well, in the case of that particular idiot, the saying is literal!

“He is simply too stupid to understand when he is being threatened in the first place!” Grogar ranted as he started to walk into place and wildly gesticulate with one hoof in sheer frustration. “Add that to the fact that that gargoyle is so durable that I could beat him against a rock wall and the wall would crumble before he would get so much as a scratch, believe me I know that from personal experience, and any and all avenues I could take to make the lesson stick simply don’t work!”

Diamond Tiara simply made an agreeing sound as she kept taking in the appearance of one of the most notorious villains to ever walk the world ranting about how aggravating his son-in-law was to her as if he was a completely ordinary being.

“Nothing short of killing him would do to stop his stupidity! And my darling Stheno would be extremely cross with me if I were to dispose of her little beau!” he groaned in despair as he let his head hang down. “If karma exists, then my dear princess deciding to marry that buffoon is surely the culmination of all of mine!”

“He can’t be that bad,” Diamond hesitantly said. Sure, Scorpan really hadn’t acted like a deep thinker, or even somebeing moderately intelligent truth be told, during the small time frame that the pink earth pony had known him. But surely the gargoyle couldn’t be as bad as Grogar was implying.

“Scorpan still hasn’t realized that Starswirl used him in order to incarcerate his brother in Tartarus, or that his brother even is in Tartarus for that matter!” the ram deadpanned as he raised his head so that he could look Diamond straight in the eye. “Nor has he ever found it even slightly odd that he hasn’t seen Tirek for over millennia. Truth be told I’m quite sure he fully believes his brother is at some kind of extended vacation and that’s why he hasn’t seen him since that day!”

Diamond Tiara could do nothing but blink at that particular revelation. She glanced towards Scorpan, who was now balancing himself atop the safety rails separating the tourists from the sea for some reason, before she turned back towards Grogar’s tired looking form.

“You can’t be serious,” she finally said, incredulity clear in her features. Only for a loud splashing sound, as if a ton of rocks plummeting into water, to cut short any response Grogar could’ve had.

She swiftly turned her head back towards the waterline where Scorpan had been a moment ago, only to see a large plume of water still rising upwards right next to where Joyous Spring was looking down past the rails at the source of the spray. Right where Scorpan had been standing a moment ago.

“I’m okay!” Scorpan’s voice came from past said rail and down at the water level, all the while the nearby tourists ran away seeking cover due to the sudden downpour and Joyous took a picture of the whole scene. “I think that I may be sinking though!”

“Like I said, rocks for brains!” Grogar growled as he started to trot towards where a small crowd was starting to gather to see the Gargoyle trying and failing to stay above the water level. “Now let’s go fish the idiot out before he illustrates why ‘swimming like a rock’ became a saying too! My daughter would be most unhappy if I allowed him to drown.”

And as she followed the disgruntled retired dark lord out of morbid curiosity more than anything else, Diamond Tiara had to admit that Grogar did make a very compelling argument about his son-in-law’s intelligence when all was said and done.

As she followed the tour through the vast halls of the Manehattan Museum, Diamond had to admit that there were apparently some perks to being in a group alongside Grogar, the Dread Warlock.

She knew that this was one of the most popular tourist attractions in the city, and that as such it usually had huge lines and tended to be packed to capacity even during the off season. And yet the richly decorated and adorned halls and corridors of the museum were suspiciously empty of traffic as they trotted onwards.

As they entered a new wing, and immediately every single pony in it evacuated the area the moment they saw the ram’s crimson eyes, Diamond concluded that Grogar was really helpful in keeping crowds at bay and the lines extremely short.

“This wing is dedicated to the Age of Legends, the time period that happened before the feuding of the Three Tribes, long before Equestria was even a dream in the mind of the Founders. This time period was marked by many trials and tribulations as the denizens of Dream Valley-” Prompt Service once more started to monologue all available information about the room and he objects within it, though this time Diamond was actually paying him some attention.

After all, the Age of Legends had been the time period in which Grogar had been active. She side-eyed the retired dark lord, wondering how he felt upon seeing the time of both his rule and fall immortalized in a museum as ancient history.

“Ah, Queen Majesty, the Grand Mage, the Unassailable Aegis! Now that was a mare!” said dark lord cheerfully exclaimed as he examined a large painting of a regal looking unicorn with a white coat and a light blue mane facing off against an onslaught of monsters. “Pay attention, brat, for this is how a real hero looks like!”

“Ah, yes, Queen Majesty, rumored to have been the first ruler of Dream Valley and its surroundings lands-” Prompt Service started to say, only to be stopped as Grogar all but roared at his face.

“Rumored?! Why, you uncultured buffoon, rumored nothing! I faced her in battle more than once and carry the scars with me to this day to prove it!” he shouted at the still utterly calm tour guide, indignation and anger clear in his words.

“You seen quite defensive of her,” Diamond stated, curious despite herself upon seeing the retired dark lord showing what could be called respect for another being instead of the far more usual contempt, irritation and annoyance he showed to the world at large.

“Get something right, brat. I despised Majesty, but by no means does that mean that I did not respect her!” he firmly stated as he turned his back to the group and took in the old painting once again. “Queen Majesty didn’t need any of this alicorn stuff your Princesses like to flaunt about to be feared by all the monsters in the land, nor did she need a bunch of artifacts or cosmic powers or other such nonsense to get the job done!

“As far as I’m concerned she was the summit of your kind, the apex all other mortals could only dream to achieve. She was the most powerful spellcaster to ever grace these pathetic lands, a terror in the battlefield and a relentless foe, and she did it all with nothing but her own power and effort,” he continued with a solemn nod, an odd glint in his eyes. “Some say one’s worth can be measured by one’s opponents. If so, then I’m proud to claim Queen Majesty as one of my greatest foes!”

A moment of quiet, dignified silence descended upon the group after he finished speaking, only for said silence to be immediately shattered by Joyous Spring cheerful voice.

“Marvelous story, Mister Grogar! What about this one, what can you tell us about this odd creature?” the saddle arabian happily questioned as he energetically pointed towards a smaller painting that seemed to depict a strange bipedal creature carrying a heart shaped amulet surrounded by a rainbow.

“Megan, the Protector of the Herd, the Harbinger of Peace,” the old ram grumbled, his voice an odd mix of annoyance and respect.

“What is she?” Diamond found herself asking. She knew the legends about the Protector of the Herd, just like anypony else, but nonetheless this was the first time she had seen an actual depiction of her appearance, and one thing was immediately clear, she could not recognize the species of the odd looking, nearly furless creature. It slightly reminded her of a small minotaur, but without hooves, and fur, and no horns, and far less muscled... In second thought, it really had very little resemblance with a minotaur, truth be told.

“No idea,” Grogar replied with a shrug of his shoulders as he examined the painting as well. “I never really managed to find out what the buck oddball species she was, or where she came up from, for that matter.

“Hell of a fighter though, and a true hero, not like those silly knockoffs we see gallivanting around nowadays.” he finished with a nod and a dismissive scoff when he mentioned modern heroes.

“I like the modern heroes, Princess Twilight is nice!” Scorpan conversationally added as he took a step closer to the painting.

“Oh, please, spare me,” Grogar promptly grumbled back with an exaggerated eye roll. “Standards have really fallen for her to be even considered a hero!”

“What do you mean by that?” Diamond Tiara interjected with a hint of anger, feeling defensive of the Princess that called her town home. Sure, Princess Twilight could be really weird at times, and her crystal-tree-palace-thing was kinda tacky. But she was an alicorn princess and as such demanded respect!

“The Princess of Friendship! Need I say more? What a ridiculous title!” Grogar sarcastically commented as he started to move towards the next exhibit. “And her little gaggle of sidekicks weren’t even able to accomplish that much for that matter! They have been active for years, and only she got a title so far! Pathetic!

“Back in my days if you hadn’t managed to get at least two titles by the end of your first year of action, you had the decency to gather you stuff and crawl back to whatever hole you had sprung out from in acknowledgment that you simply lacked what it took to make it!” he continued his tirade, punctuating it with a harsh stomp for emphasis, his words growing more heated with each moment that passed. “But no, nowadays any half-assed wannabe with some pretty rainbow light effect can call themselves a hero! Utterly disgraceful! And who in their right mind even uses a rainbow as some kind of anti-evil weapon in the first place?! Elements of Harmony, don’t make me laugh!”

“Didn’t Megan defeat you with the Rainbow of Light?” the pink filly pointed out his apparent double standards, feeling that the retired dark lord was being quite unfair.

“Yes! Now that was a proper artifact of power!” the ram promptly replied, clearly not seeing the problem at all. “A true legendary weapon capable of utterly destroying any evil it hit with its scorching purifying light! Not this ‘imprisoned-in-stone’ or ‘banished to-the-moon’ thing those cheap knockoffs doohickeys do! Any evil that was hit by the Rainbow of Light was destroyed utterly! Not even ashes remaining of their being!”

Diamond opened her mouth to point out Grogar logical fallacy, only to close it as she saw an even more glaring logical error with the ram’s words. After making sure she remembered things right, she gave the warlock an odd look and asked. “Wait, weren’t you hit with the Rainbow of Light? How can you be here then?”

“Foolish little pony, I’m Immortal!” Grogar proudly declared, head held high and a hoof placed against his chest. “A true Immortal at that! Not like those merely long-lived alicorns of yours! Sure, it hurt like nothing else, and it took me quite some time to reform my body, but even something as powerful as the Rainbow of Light cannot stop the might of The Dreaded Grogar forever!”

“But if it left not even ashes behind, then how could you reform your body! That makes no sense! And besides-” she shot back as they started to move towards the next wing of the museum.

And as they bickered and argued back and forth, trading barbs and taunts all the while, as she found herself enjoying the heated debate, for a moment Diamond Tiara forgot that her debate opponent was Grogar, the Father of Monsters, the Dark Warlock, the Tyrant of Tambelon.

III - You Can Make It Anywhere

You Can Make It Anywhere.

“He never really stops, does he?” Diamond Tiara asked in slight wonder as she watched Scorpan run out of the carriage, cheerfully frolicking all around as they exited the carriage right in front of Big Apple Tour’s at a far more sedate pace.

“Does he being unconscious count?” Grogar snarked as he watched his son-in-law climb a lamp post for reasons that frankly eluded both of them. “Because if not, then sadly, no.”

“Huh, well better be you to deal with it than most other beings, I guess,” Diamond snarked right back. The pink earth pony really didn’t know when it had happened, but she found out that trading barbs and snarky comments with the retired dark lord to be one of the most pleasant parts of the tour.

“You are a conniving, vindictive little thing, aren’t you?” Grogar questioned with a hint of approval and a tiny smirk as they both watched the lamp post snap due to the gargoyle's weight and dump Scorpan back into the ground in a graceless heap. The moment immortalized by Joyous Spring ever present camera. “It pleases my heart to know that there is still some hope for the future generations!”

Huffing in fake annoyance, Diamond Tiara followed the retired dark lord towards where Prompt Service was getting their souvenirs and other end-of-the-tour stuff. All the while trying not to think too hard at the fact that, after her initial panic had been exhausted, she had apparently struck some kind of easy friendship with the Tyrant of Tambelon. Oh, sure, she knew she could be abrasive at times, but knowing she had far too much in common with the former dark lord when it came to humor and conversation interests wasn’t something she had wanted to realize about herself.

“Like you could possibly judged such things, oh, great warlock. How many times was your peerless self defeat again?” Diamond needled the ram, as she decided to shelve those issues for later. Much, much later.

“I’ll let you know that my judgment is flawless! Especially when compared to a species I won’t mention that seems unable to manage to go a single week without some kind of cataclysm happening in their kingdom!” Grogar needled Diamond right back, smirk firm on his features as he feigned nonchalance.

“Surely the troggles weren’t that bad? I mean, sure, the fact that they chose to allow you to lead them speaks very poorly of their overall intellect. But still!” Diamond exclaimed in fake surprise, the smirk on her muzzle mirroring the one on Grogar’s.

“Not bad, not bad at all,” Grogar replied with a barely perceptible chuckle. “But you better lose the attitude if you don’t want to see exactly how I got my reputation, you cheeky little brat.”

“Grumpy old ram,” Diamond grumbled back good naturedly as she prepared for the next round of their little verbal game, only for her to immediately jump backwards as a green blur suddenly passed right next to them with enough speed to cause a gale before proceeding to tackle a slowly rising Scorpan back to the ground despite his massive weight.

“Scorpy, did you miss me!” the green scaled creature happily shouted as she coiled her long snake-like tail around the gargoyle and started to rain down kisses upon his face, an action that was being repeated by the many snakes that seemed to constituted the being's hair. “Did you enjoy the tour with dad? I hope he didn’t give you too much of a hard time!”

“Stheno, dear, please keep your activities with your boy-toy to somewhere that I cannot see them,” Grogar growled in annoyance with a shake of his head, to no effect as the embracing couple acted as if he hadn’t even spoken. All the while Joyous Spring kept darting around the couple in order to get the best angle for his next picture.

“I did miss you, hunny bun, you know that!” Scorpan happily exclaimed as he enthusiastically hugged the gorgon back. “And it was hardly a bother, why, dad even managed to make a friend!”

“Truly!?” Stheno gasped in surprise and wonder, as she let go of her husband and turned to gaze at a now face-hoofing retired dark lord with sparkling eyes. “Daddy, is this true, did you make a friend?!”

“Now, let’s not blow things out of proportion!” Grogar grumbled as he started to try and divert his daughter’s attention. Only for a certain saddle arabian to decided to add his two bits on the matter.

“Why, yes! Despite a rather rough start Mister Grogar and Miss Diamond have gotten along fabulously in the later parts of our tour!” Joyous Spring helpfully said to Stheno as he moved towards the couple with a blinding smile. “It warms the heart to see a friendship bloom in even the harshest of situations!”

As the green scaled gorgon absorbed the equine’s words and turned her sparkling eyes and huge fanged smile straight towards her form, with a sudden sinking feeling Diamond realized what was about to happen moments before it actually happened, not to say that served her for anything. For, just as she started to attempt to make a run for it, the gorgon had already slithered up to her with frightening speed and proceeded to show why some species of snakes didn’t need venom to take down their prey, as she proceeded to hug the life out of the pink filly.

“This is truly wondrous news! Hello, little one, I’m Stheno!” the gorgon happily stated as she continued to treat Diamond like a stuffed animal as she spun and twirled her around, hugging her all the while. “I cannot say how happy I am to hear you gave my grouch of a father a chance! Why, this is a case for celebration!”

"Stheno, dear, this is really not necessary!” Grogar tried to interject as Diamond tried and failed to break free of her captor’s embrace, only for his daughter to immediately cut him off.

“Nonsense! This is the first friend you have ever made of your own free will, dad!” she stated it as if it was a foregone conclusion as she finally stopped spinning and gave her father a knowing look. “It is a momentous occasion and we will celebrate it!”

“Don’t be absurd, I have plenty of friends!” the retired dark lord shot back in clear annoyance. “I play poker with Gusty, Bray and the boys all the time!”

“Oh, please, minions and former enemies don’t count! And besides, that only happened because Gusty simply has no idea when to back down and refused your refusal of his friendship!” Stheno promptly replied with a quite final nod of her head, a teasing smile on her features. “And then proceeded to drag his friends along for the ride, this is the first time you decided to make a friend!”

From the way they were talking about it, it was clear that this was an old discussion that was often rehashed between the two of them, not that Diamond particularly cared, being quite busy trying to free herself from the gorgon’s constrictive hug.

“What’s going on here?” Diamond heard her own father ask, making her stop her struggles in order to see that Filthy Rich had just come down from a carriage and was taking the whole situation in.

When his eyes fell upon her still trapped form between Stheno’s arms, Diamond expected many things to happen. But her father turning towards the gorgon lady holding her captive and starting to politely talk with her wasn’t one of them.

“Lady Stheno, what a pleasant surprise seeing you again so soon!” he greeted the gorgon as he started to trot towards the group, apparently unconcerned by Diamond’s fate. “And I see you have met my dear princess! Diamond, meet lady Stheno, the newest partner and business associate of Rich's Barnyard Bargains! Lady Stheno, meet my daughter, Diamond Tiara.”

“So this is the precious princess you were talking about? Rich, you really didn’t do her cuteness justice!” Stheno gasped in mock outrage, giving Diamond a final hug before offering the very disgruntled filly back to her father. “She is truly adorable!”

“Why, thank you,” Filthy Rich gladly accepted the compliment, before he turned towards Diamond with a cheerful smile. “And what about you, princess, did you enjoy the tour?”

“It was okay,” she grunted as she attempted to put her mane back into some semblance of order.

“Rich, you will not believe this, but my husband and father where on the same tour as your Diamond! And she actually made friends with my father during it!” Stheno cheerfully proclaimed as she proceed to hug her disgruntled looking father.

“My, that is quite a coincidence! Thank you for taking care of my precious princess, my good sir!” Rich said toward the ram without a hint of fear, which for his part simply grunted and nodded his head in answer. Before the earth pony seemed to be struck by a sudden idea. “Oh, I know! You still have a few days left before you must leave the country, isn’t that so?”

“Indeed, that is the case,” Scorpan promptly replied from Stheno’s side. “Why do you ask?”

“Why, you must come visit us in Ponyville so that I may properly thank you for this! We would gladly welcome you all into our home!” Filthy Rich happily proclaimed, as if the idea couldn’t possibly go wrong in a million different ways that Diamond could think from the top of her head.

“Can we daddy? Please?” Stheno pleaded to her father, showing a very masterful use of the puppy-eye technique in the filly’s honest opinion.

Grogar grumbled under his breath as he attempted to break eye contact with his pleading daughter, only for her to slither in such a way that no matter how he moved his head she remained right in front of him. “Oh, fine, why the heck not!”

And as Stheno and Scorpan cheered at the news and her own father chuckled at the whole scene, as Joyous Spring bid the group a warm farewell and she thought about what would probably follow of bringing a retired dark lord, a clueless gargoyle, and his apparently quite boisterous gorgon wife to ponyvile, she found herself mirroring Grogar’s words as she let out an exhausted but amused huff.

Why the heck not, indeed.

Author's Note

This was a very interesting writing experiment, what with how the prompts forced me to write about characters that I’d normally never use and adapt them to a setting in order to try and create a story. But all in all I think it shaped up well enough.

So this was my story, from random prompts to finished product, hope you all enjoyed Diamond’s little tour through the Big Apple as she made a new friend!

In a side note, I wonder how many of you caught that Stheno was the name of one of the three gorgon sisters? I needed a monster to be Grogar’s daughter and Scorpan’s wife, and found the idea of making a gorgon, a monster that turns others into statues, marrying a gargoyle, basically a living statue, to be too amusing to pass.