Cinematic Adventures: Shrek

by extremeenigma02

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Violence, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Tirek, Spike
Length: 75989

The Mane Six and Spike venture through the multiverse to a swamp in the midst of a fairytale kingdom. It is here they meet Shrek and Donkey who they accompany on a mission to rescue a princess from a dragon guarded tower.

The Mane Six and Spike are off another whirlwind adventure into the Multiverse. This time, they find themselves in a bizarre kingdom filled with fairytale creatures. It is here they meet a foul tempered ogre named Shrek and a loud mouth Donkey. They must accompany them on a mission to retrieve a princess from a tower guarded by a dragon. Along the way, there will be much drama, romance, and a whole lot of funny shenanigans.

Published 2023-01-01 13:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-19 23:08:23 UTC

A Shrek-tacular Beginning

Author's Note

Happy New Year to all and I hope you’re all ready for this

A Shrek-tacular Beginning

Clear was the blue sky; bright was the sun hanging over the land. Another beautiful day began in the tiny town of Ponyville. Birds twittered as they flew through the air over the rooves of the tiny homes, all the while the denizens went about their days. Little foals raced around the streets, laughing and playing together while the adults tended to their everyday business. Today was most certainly a very peaceful and most wondrous day.

Along the outskirts of Ponyville stood the castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle. The foundation stood high and mighty as the center of power in town. Inside, the little lavender colored alicorn was in her office working on a mountain of paperwork. One of the few disadvantages of being a princess, especially one who would eventually replace Celestia and Luna as ruler of all Equestria. But alas, the amount of paperwork she had to do was merely a fraction of the daily basis for a young alicorn. A task that involved exploring the concerns of the ponies, what taxes should be legalized or if a new trade agreement was deemed necessary. All of which required her immediate attention.

Twilight Sparkle held her quill with her magic, using it to note some quick response to a seemingly endless line of paperwork. She sighed out of both boredom and exhaustion, but she continued with her work as it was the one thing keeping her busy during this peaceful time. A sudden knock at the door coaxed the alicorn to look up and before her eyes stood her most faithful assistant and good friend, Spike.

“Hey Spike!” Twilight greeted with a smile. “What’s going on?”

“I was just wondering if you’d like to take a little lunch break,” Spike suggested. “You’ve been cooped up here since we got back from Gotham last week. Figured you’d need to get out for a while.”

“It’s a bit difficult when there’s so much work to do,” Twilight responded. “Being princess isn’t exactly easy; it really doesn’t allow much relaxation time.”

“Oh come on Twilight, even Princess Celestia takes time off for herself every now and then. What’s another few more minutes going to do?”

Twilight Sparkle sighed to herself, looking back and forth between her number one assistant and the endless stacks of paperwork before her. She had been at it for days already and it seemed as though she barely even made a slight dent in it. Being that were the case, the question again repeated in her head: What was a few more minutes going to do? She placed the quill back in its inkwell and stepped out from behind her desk.

“Now that you mention it, lunch does sound great,” Twilight smiled.

“Well then, follow me to the kitchen,” Spike responded. “Sonata’s already down there getting everything ready. You know Twi, it still amazes me you gave her a job in the castle’s kitchen. I know she’s trying to redeem herself, but don’t you think you’re putting a little too much trust in her?”

“Not at all,” Twilight responded certainly. “I know it seems like a huge leap of faith after everything she and her family have done in the past. However, if it weren’t for Sonata, there’s a good possibility we might have gotten killed back in Gotham. That Siren is willing to risk her own life to save us all; we at least owe her a chance.”

“I guess you’re right,” Spike nodded. “Old habits I guess.”

The two continued their trek through the halls of the castle towards the kitchen, while continuing their conversation. Since they’ve gotten back from Gotham City, things were a bit dodgy at first starting with returning with Sonata Dusk, formerly of the Dazzlings. However, despite some general concerns expressed by the ponies and nearly every species in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle was quickly able to smooth things over with every pony. In return, the denizens were willing to give Sonata a chance to prove herself. True to her word, Twilight made the arrangements to secure a place in town for Sonata to stay and even offered her a job in the castle kitchen. To say Sonata was extremely grateful would have been an understatement.

Eventually, the two arrived at the kitchen and Spike threw the giant doors open for entry. Before them was a magnificent table already set up, with all the cutlery and plates set neatly.

“Wow, this looks amazing!” Twilight smiled. “Did Sonata actually put this all together? By herself?”

“It sure caught me by surprise,” Spike nodded.

Twilight Sparkle looked around the kitchen only to notice something, or rather someone, was missing.

“Spike, where is Sonata?” She asked.

“I’m not sure,” Spike shrugged. “She was here only a few minutes ago.”

“ACHOO!!!”

The sound of a loud sneeze made both pony princess and dragon turn toward the cupboards just near the stove. Twilight Sparkle slowly approached before flinging the door open with her magic. Sure enough, all scrunched up inside the cabinet, was none other than Sonata Dusk herself.

“Sonata? What are you doing in there?” She asked confused.

“Hiding…” Sonata whispered.

“After a sneeze like that, I’m sure whispering isn’t going to help much,” Spike commented.

Sonata Dusk wriggled around a bit and eventually squeezed herself out of the cabinet. Twilight Sparkle noticed she happened to be wearing the 24/7 championship around her waist, as she’d been doing for a week since their return from Gotham.

Wait a minute, when did that happen again?

You’d know if you actually read the comments.

… I’m a very busy guy.

Anyway… Sonata quickly ducked herself behind the countertop, her eyes darting back and forth.

“Sonata, I think you can come out of hiding,” Twilight assured her.

“I don’t know if I can Twilight,” Sonata spoke fearfully. “Ever since getting this belt, I’ve been chased non-stop.”

“I know that feeling,” Spike mumbled.

“Granted, I do like this belt. It surprisingly matches my coat. But having to defend that belt against that mob nonstop, it gets a little tiring after a while.”

“Well, you needn’t worry about that here,” Twilight assured. “The castle’s a safe haven for all our guests.”

“Are you sure?” Sonata asked uncertain.

“I’m positive.”

Eventually, after pondering the response, Sonata emerged from her hiding spot.

“Now, how about that lunch?” Twilight suggested.

Twilight and Spike just made their way back toward the table, as Sonata dusted herself from hiding. But just as they settled won, the door to the kitchen burst open and the remainder of the Mane Six arrived.

“Twilight, we’ve got a problem!” Rainbow said urgently.

Twilight and Spike groaned in unison, especially over the fact their lunch was ruined… again.

“Can never have a good lunch these days,” Spike grumbled.

“At ease Spike,” Twilight replied, facing the girls. “What’s the problem?”

“We’ve got a visit in town wanting to meet ya?” Applejack responded.

“What’s wrong about that?” Twilight asked confused. “Probably one of the diplomats from the neighboring kingdoms; although, we probably would’ve gotten a notice if an important guest was coming.”

“That’s the thing,” Rainbow responded. “You need to come and see for yourself.”

Twilight looked amongst her friends, and she could clearly see the distress upon their faces. Clearly, whatever they were talking about, it was obviously urgent. With a regretful sigh, she turned back toward Spike and Sonata.

“Sorry guys, looks like we have to reschedule lunch,” She told them. “Come on, every pony!”

Soon, Twilight and Spike took off with her friends following behind. They raced out the door towards whatever was waiting to meet them. All… except for Sonata Dusk, who stood and waved goodbye to the departing heroes.

“You guys go on ahead!” Sonata called out. “I’ll just stay back here and… hold the fort! Yeah…”

Sonata’s eyes quickly darted toward the cabinet, and she quickly ducked back in hiding, closing the doors. As she sat there, all scrunched up tighter than before, she kept her hooves locked around her title.

“Don’t you worry, sweetie,” Sonata cooed. “Mommy’s not going to let those mean gold-diggers take you away.”

<>

The Mane Six and Spike raced across town toward a large gathering of ponies in the midst of the town square. They all looked rather unsettled and nervous, the fear clearly visible upon their faces. Soon as the gathered ponies took notice of the Elements of Harmony approaching, they quickly parted to allow them through.

“Don’t worry, every pony!” Twilight called out. “Whatever’s going on, the Guardians of Harmony are here to help!”

“Now then… show us that horizon!” Pinkie quoted.

The stunned crowd stood silently, occasionally blinking every second, before all hooves pointed ahead. The group eventually made their way to the front and skid to a screeching halt. Once they saw what laid before them, all eyes widened with shock. Standing before them was nothing less than an entire army; an army made up of humans dressed in either dark leather-like armor or red-and-gold metallic armor.

And standing in front of this army was none other than Lord Tirek himself. The giant magic-stealing centaur with the wickedest smirk on his face, staring daggers at the Mane Six and Spike. Once their eyes landed on Tirek, the heroes instantly assumed their defensive stance.

“Tirek!” Twilight exclaimed loudly. “I figured it was a matter of time before we saw your face again. Whatever intentions you have today, you’re going to have to get through us first.”

To which Tirek merely held his giant red hands in defense.

“Take it easy there princess,” He spoke with fake innocence. “Despite what you may think, I didn’t come to fight today… though it flatters me how anxious you are for action. Unfortunately, I’m only here… in peace.”

“With an army at your back?” Rainbow questioned skeptically. “I’d sooner believe the Storm King will return.”

“Hmm… ‘Return of the Storm King’ huh?” Tirek smirk mischievously. “Thank you Rainbow Dash, I’ll be sure to keep that in mind for future reference.”

“What do ya want, Tirek?” Applejack asked.

“I come bearing a message from the Dark Order,” Tirek explained. “We’re willing to leave your wasteful little town and all its diminutive denizens in peace.”

“You really expect us to believe that?” Rarity asked. “What exactly is it you hope to gain in return?”

“Simple, really,” Tirek responded. “All we ask in return is for you all to swear your undying loyalty to the Dark One, an oath which requires you to leave under our rule and surrender the Elements of Harmony.”

The Elements of Harmony stood silent, stone-faced over the offer. The silence was immediately broken soon as Pinkie Pie burst out in hysterical laughter.

“Oh that’s a good one, Tirek!” She laughed. “I always knew somewhere under that muscular physique is a stand-up comedian!

Pinkie kept laughing uncontrollably, rolling onto her back, while the remainder of the Mane Six and Spike stepped up. It was clear they were more than ready to fight.

“You may have your strength back, but you’re still lacking in the brain department,” Spike said defiantly. “If you think we’d actually agree to that, you’re as dumb as mud!”

Tirek merely glowered at the teenage dragon before quickly turning to the rest of the group with a smirk.

“Don’t worry your little dragon head, gecko,” Tirek responded. “I never expected you to take the deal anyway. I merely needed to keep you… distracted.”

This caused the Mane Six and Spike to stop in their tracks, now more confused than ever.

“What is he talking about?” Fluttershy asked worriedly.

“I merely had to make sure our latest allies were able to sneak their way into that little theatre of yours undisturbed,” Tirek grinned. “It’s humorous how its security is as easy as breaking into Canterlot even with your ‘elite’ guards. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really must be off to join them. Tyranny to spread, worlds to conquer, lives to destroy… oh yes, I’ll be booked for the next month. Boys!!!”

Tirek turned over his shoulder to the army standing behind him, every soldier unsheathed their swords and shields.”

“Keep them busy!” He ordered.

On command, the knights charged forward with their weapons drawn. All the other ponies screamed and began running in panic. The Mane Six and Spike quickly assumed the defense, as they charged into battle against the knights. Beams sparkled across the hills, followed by groans and screams with metal and swords flying in the air. Over the midst of hooves contacting bodies and metal scrunched up, Tirek was able to make his way through the screaming denizens towards the Discord’s ‘exposed’ theatre.

<>

*BOOM!!!*

The doors to Discord’s theatre burst open as Tirek made his way through the front doors. A team of security raced towards the centaur, all trying their best to stop the tyrant. Unfortunately, Tirek easily overpowered even the most skilled line of defense. While his fallen enemies were licking their wounds, Tirek casually made his way through the theatre. Soon as he got inside, he noticed two cloaked figures standing on stage near the magical television. He quickly assumed his place onto the stage and stood alongside the two cloaked figures.

“I trust our knights are keeping those ingrates at bay?” One figure asked.

“That they are,” Tirek nodded. “They won’t keep them busy too long, but long enough for us to get where we need to be.”

“Then let’s be on our way,” The other figure ordered. “We have two targets to find and much mayhem to spread.”

With a wave of the hand, the figure commanded the large mirror portal to open. The trio quickly made their way through the portal, which immediately closed behind them.

<>

Meanwhile, the Mane Six and Spike continued their fight against the knights. Tag team action commenced with Rainbow Dash and Applejack deliver a series of hard-hitting bucks and strong-style punches. The combination left the targeted knights either flat out cold or screaming while flailing about in the air. In unison, Rarity and Twilight blasted a majority of the knights about with their magic sending them back while a few others started to run away.

Spike spat flames, roasting a majority of the knights. Thankfully, the armor prevented them from burning to death. But those caught in the blast screamed like children, running back and forth with their pants flaming.

Pinkie threw some cupcakes toward the knights, one of whom caught it and lifted his face opening for a closer look. It was only then he saw a sparkling candle at the top and before any could react… *BOOM!!!* the cupcakes exploded, sending the knights blasting out of their armor… and leaving some spotted underwear floating toward the road.

Fluttershy used her powerful stare to immobilize and terrify the knights into submission. This act sent the remainder of the knights running for the hills or curled up in a fetal position, one of them sucking his thumb like a frightened little boy.

Eventually, our heroes had successfully pacified the majority of the knights, the rest managing to escape the area.

“It is just me or does this feet feel… familiarly simple?” Rainbow asked.

“I blame the lazy writing,” Pinkie shrugged.

Hey, you think it’s so easy then you do it!

It’s not as easy as it looks, you know.

“There’s no time for that now,” Twilight said urgently. “We must get to Discord’s theatre and stop Tirek!”

The Mane Six and Spike quickly made their way toward the theatre and burst through the doors. They noticed all the fallen security slowly regaining their stance, attempting to restore order before the frightened patrons caught in the action. One of the security intel pointed in direction, sending our heroes racing into the theater and onto the stage. Twilight quickly began punching coordinates into the machine, to track Tirek toward whichever world he travelled to. Pushing the final button, the portal opened up once more leaving all eyes staring into it.

“I wonder where it’s taking us this time?” Rarity asked curiously.

“No idea, but I hope we finally end up in a place where folks won’t be surprised about our presence for a change,” Rainbow said seriously.

“At least this will be our first ‘Academy Award-Winning’ adventure,” Pinkie grinned happily.

“Say what now?” Spike said confused.

“Never mind, let’s go!” Pinkie responded quickly.

Twilight stepped in between all of her friends as they continued staring toward the portal. It didn’t matter where it was taking them, but they knew they needed to stop Tirek and whichever allies he’s working with. Taking a deep breath, they slowly stepped through the mirror portal one by one. Wherever it was they would end up, it was sure to be one hay of an adventure for sure.

<>

Unknown location…

In the darkness, a single ray of light shined down upon a leather-bound storybook. The book opened as a voice began reading its text, further supported by the colorful pictures taking up each of the pages:

“Once upon a time there was a lovely princess,” The voice read. “But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon’s keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love’s first kiss…”

The voice gave a chuckle as a large, green hand ripped out one page of the book (A page containing a picture of a prince kneeling before the sleeping princess). And just as quickly the book sealed closed.

“Like that’s ever gonna happen,” The voice chuckled. “What a load of—”

Outside a wooden outhouse, with a front door with a moon silhouette cut out, a flushing toilet could be heard. The door soon burst open and out of it emerged a big green ogre named Shrek. Tugging his underwear and shaking his foot to remove a page still stuck to his shoe, he gazed lovingly toward the place he called home. There stood a house which appeared to be a large tree stump raised from the ground (So one could see the tree roots underneath), covered with mold and grass. It would seem to be the heart of the swamp of which the ogre resided in. It was a pretty nasty place, but he was an ogre. If there was one thing an ogre loved more than anything in this big, bright, beautiful world… it’s anything ‘nasty’.

With a deep breath and slamming the outhouse door behind him, Shrek proceeded to go about his daily routine:

It began quite simply… every morning he’d take a lovely little mud shower, using a contraption of which he made himself. He scrubbed every square inch of his body with all the mud he was able to gather and even gargled some of it in his mouth. Not that it really did much of anything, but he rather enjoyed the taste of fresh mud.

Then when he was done, he’d proceed to brush his teeth. Using the juice he squeezed from the nearest bugs, he’d scrub his teeth until the very substance seeped into his teeth. He’d face the mirror with a rotten, cavity-ridden smile… and the mirror shattered into the pieces. But that always meant his method was working.

Even though he’d already taken his shower, he’d dive right into a muddy pond for some additional bathing as well as, for lack of better words… taking care of much needed business. Those unfortunate to be ‘in’ his business, like a poor fish minding its business, was ripe for the taking by the carefree ogre himself. As if that wasn’t enough, Shrek would dig himself into a nearby log and push aside some muck that was forming up. If he were lucky, he’d find himself some fresh giant slugs to take for himself. However he’d do it, one thing was certain for Shrek: He would never go hungry.

The last part of his to-do list was what one would call a hobby of his. Standing by the pony while the setting sun was looming over the swamp, Shrek was applying the finishing touch on a wooden canvas of sort (Don’t ask how he got the paint). Once his work was complete, he picked up the canvas for a closer look, admiring the final results, and even gave a kiss to his masterpiece… despite the fact the paint still needed to dry. And then, he stabbed the wooden piece through the soil just a few feet from his house… which actually turned out to be a warning sign with his face upon. A sign among hundreds he’d construct around every square inch of his home, all of which for good reason.

In a nearby village, not far from the swamp, an angry mob of men gathered in the square. They were brought together for one reason and one reason only: To pursue the ogre Shrek and capture him. That very night, they gathered their torches and pitchforks and braved the dangers of the swamp itself to pursue their prize. They paid no heed to all the warning signs the ogre worked so hard to put together. The mob trampled over every sign that was in their way, refusing to back down.

At home, Shrek was attempting to enjoy a quiet dinner that evening. A warm serving of food he prepped for himself (A bowlful of eyeballs plucked from rather ‘questionable’ circumstances’) and all the while relaxing over the warm glow of the fireplace. A commotion stirred him of his peace, and he approached his window to investigate. Looking around, he spotted the source: The local villagers, glowing with the light of their torches and the iron of their pitchforks gleaming against the flames. Shrek rolled his eyes, for he knew these particular villagers rather well and it was certainly not his first encounter, nor would it be his last. So, much to his chagrin, he left the house to settle some… ‘business’.

Outside Shrek’s home, all the villagers gathered together along a brush. They were blissfully unaware of the ogre himself sneaking behind them. One of the villagers proceeded to pull back the brush, offering the anxious group a good look at the swamp. Before them stood the ogre’s dwelling, the glowing light of the fireplace brightly gleaming through the open window. They murmured amongst themselves, charting their next course of action… if any at all.

“Think it’s in there?” One villager whispered.

“All right,” Another villager spoke determined. “Let’s get it!”

But the villager barely took one step forward before the rest hauled him back.

“Whoa! Hold on!” Another villager warned. “Do you know what that thing can do to you?”

“Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for its bread.”

A chuckle caused the group to freeze briefly, before they quickly turned around. Much to their horror, Shrek stood before them, hovering over the frightened mob.

“Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant,” Shrek corrected amused.

The mob gasped loudly and slowly began to back away. Shrek advanced toward them, trying to look menacing before these humans… and yet, he couldn’t help but attempt to make conversation all the same.

“Now, ogres, oh they’re much worse,” Shrek continued. “They’ll make a suit from your freshly peeled kin. They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!”

Having said all that, Shrek quickly lost his menacing look.

“Actually, it’s quite good on toast—”

“Back! Back, beast!”

One villager screamed at the ogre, waving his torch against his face.

“Back! I warn ya!”

The villager kept waving his torch against Shrek, much to his amusement… but mostly annoyance. Casually licking his fingers, Shrek pinched one hand against the flame and extinguished the torch in seconds. The villagers gasped loudly as the village stared at his extinguished torch in shock and the torch slipped from his fingers.

“Right…” The villager said awkwardly.

“RAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Shrek terrified the mob with a great roar, frightening all the villagers into a screaming stupor. The spit and saliva spewing from the ogre’s mouth extinguished all the remaining torches and flew against those unfortunate to be in the ‘splash zone’… which essentially was ‘everyone’. Soon as he was done, he wiped his mouth clean with one sleeve and waited patiently for all the villagers to stop screaming. When neither man could scream no more, they stared frozen with fright anxiously wondering what the ogre would do to them now. The ogre leaned toward one villager and whispered…

“This is the part where you run away…”

Shrek laughed as the men dropped their torches and pitchforks. They quickly raced away as fast as they could until he could see everybody disappearing through the trees and back to the safety of their homes.

“And stay out!” He yelled after them.

With the villagers gone, Shrek looked down toward the ground and noticed that one of the villagers had dropped something. He reached down and picked up what appeared to be a wanted poster with what appeared to be a bearded gnome or dwarf. He read the inscription aloud.

“Wanted. Fairytale creatures?”

It didn’t take long to dawn on what these villagers were up to: It wasn’t enough that these humans would trespass upon his private space; now they were hoping to capture him for a measly profit. He’d heard the rumors, that villages everywhere were on the hunt for fairytale creatures like him… though more pleasant and charming as opposed to ogres. Stories of people who would evict those very creatures from their homes, driving them away from their grounds, and those who couldn’t escape being sold for a few coins that would barely last a person for a measly day. All because whatever these creatures had against those authorizing the hunt, they clearly did not fit their ‘big, bright, beautiful world’.

All of which… was of no concern for the ogre. Shrek merely sighed and walked off, dropping the poster back to the ground while making his way back home. As far as he was concerned, he had no reason to fear these villagers. Not that he would ever actually ‘hurt’ anyone, but those bold enough to stand mere inches in his property and he’d scare them all away just as he had since he was seven. None would dare try to lay a finger on him, much less even dare to think to drive him away from home.

As far as Shrek was concerned, they can keep their big, bright, beautiful world. He was happy where he is, all alone and having everything he’d need. So long as those villagers actually paid heed to the warning of his signs, to leave him in the comfort of his own little patch of the world, it was all Shrek’s… and this ogre had nothing to worry about.

Fairytale Creatures

Author's Note

As always a big hand for Mr. Dramamaster for all of his help on this epic chapter

Fairytale Creatures

A heavy wind picked up as the crystal portal opened up, allowing the Mane Six and Spike to depart into the new world. Soon as the portal sealed behind them, they looked around their new surroundings as they’d done for every single new place they stumbled upon. From what their eyes could see, there was nothing before them but trees, bushes, and trails of dirt for miles around. Clearly they were in a forest, probably miles away from any civilization at all. The only problem was the uncertainty of where exactly this forest laid upon.

“So, where the hay are we now?” Rainbow asked confused.

“No clue, sugar cube,” Applejack responded to her marefriend.

“No worries, I can help with that,” Twilight spoke up.

Igniting her horn with her magical aura, Twilight summoned her powers to scan the land and surrounding area. Upon doing so, Twilight Sparkle was able to form a layout pinpointing exactly where they were. Soon as she finished, her horn extinguished.

“Apparently we’re in a land known as Duloc,” Twilight informed.

“And how were you able to figure that out?” Spike asked her.

“Well after we returned from Gotham, I took a trip to Canterlot and worked with Storm Shield on a new spell he’d been experimenting on,” Twilight responded. “The spell is able to read the layout of an entire landscape and tell you all you need to know of the land and its inhabitants. Figured it be good to have for any and all future adventures.”

Upon hearing this, a small mischievous smile spread across Pinkie Pie’s face. The pink party pony leaned closely toward Twilight, quite uncomfortably too.

“So… you and Storm were practicing magic together?” She smirked. “Spending lots of time together? Just the two of you? Alone???”

This caused Twilight’s face to shift from its usual lavender color to as red as a tomato. The rest of her friends chuckled over her obvious embarrassment.

“That’s not—we weren’t—” Twilight stumbled nervously. “Why would you--?”

“HALT!!!”

Every pony, including Spike, immediately jumped upon her a new voice yelling out. They quickly turned toward a group of armored soldiers rushing towards them. Their armor was made entirely of shining plate steel and each knight had well-forged swords strapped upon their sides.

“Stay where you are!” One knight yelled. “You are all under arrest!”

“Under what grounds?!” Rarity asked appalled. “We haven’t done one thing wrong.”

“You are all clearly fairytale creatures,” The Knight responded. “By decree of Lord Farquaad, all fairytale creatures… especially your kind… are to be captured on the spot.”

“Bring it on punks!” Rainbow retorted, cracking her hooves. ‘I’ve been itching to punch some pony for a while now.”

Rainbow was about to fly toward one of the guards and begin her assault. However, she quickly found her tail on the teeth of her marefriend, Applejack, who held her back.

“Calm down, sugar cube,” Applejack said through gritted teeth. ‘Not every situation calls fer throwin’ hooves!”

“Maybe not in your eyes,” Rainbow shot back.

It took Applejack all her strength just to pull Rainbow Dash onto the ground. In the meantime, Twilight Sparkle tried reasoning with these knights.

“If you please good sirs, there’s clearly some misunderstanding,” She assured them. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends. We mean no harm; we’ve simply come to retrieve someone who doesn’t belong here. As soon as we find him, we’ll leave your lands.”

But the guards quickly surrounded the Mane Six and Spike, pulling out some large chains and iron collars.

“Your reasons don’t matter here,” The knight responded. “You are all under arrest!”

The guards clasped the iron collars around the necks of the Mane Six and Spike, much to their annoyance. They tried using their powers to free themselves, but once again discovered that these chains were made of the same type of metal designed to constrict their powers.

“OH COME ON!” Spike yelled. “Where is everyone getting this stuff!”

“Shut up and move!” One guard yelled, tugging the chains.

“Bet you wish I was throwing hooves now!” Rainbow snipped at Applejack.

“You can’t arrest us!” Pinkie argued. “You never gave us our rights; this is illegal! SOME PONY CALL MY LAWYER!!!”

But the guard just yanked harder on the chains, forcing the ground down the dirt-trodden path leading to Celestia knows where. But wherever they were going, this certainly was not a very good start for our heroes at all.

<>

In another part of the forest, the peace disturbed by snapping whips and clanging metal, a group of fairy tale creatures were put in chains and led to various wagons by Duloc’s guards. The Captain of the Guards himself sat at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in any fairytale creature they stumbled upon or kept in their possession. Amongst those waiting in line included Peter Pan carrying Tinker Bell in a cage, Mr. Geppeto carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs themselves.

It was during which time that the Duloc Guards dragged the Mane Six and Spike into the area, forcing them in line with the other creatures.

“All of you remain here and don’t move!” One guard demanded, walking away.

“Just wait till I’m out of these chains, buddy!” Rainbow growled. “I’ll punch you so hard in the teeth, it’ll wake up at your dentist!”

“Or worse… you can wake up at my dentist!” Pinkie added, shuddering. “Nothing’s scarier than my dentist… they really don’t like me!”

The guards on patrol merely rolled their eyes under their helms, as the six ponies and teenage dragon were left in line awaiting their faith. All eyes of the group searched around the area. They were surprised, and also horrified, seeing the treatment of these creatures.

“Oh my goodness!” Fluttershy gasped. “Those poor creatures. How could any pony treat them so horribly?”

“I ask myself the same thing.”

Every pony, and Spike, turned forward to the source of the new voice. They soon noticed a pair of young girls staring back at them. The first had long blonde hair that fell down gracefully, with curls at the end. Her skin was pale white in color, glowing brightly under the sunlight. She wore a beautiful dress with puffed white sleeves and a crimson bodice. The skirt had various white designs, with either gold or white thread and a large crimson apple stitched onto the side of it. She wore silver-gray fish-net stockings, with red heels that had golden bows on them. Atop her head she wore a crimson bow, with a small glittering crown on it.

In contrast, the other girl was drastically opposite. Her dark hair was kept down, and she wore a violet tiara on her head, with tiny matching gemstones on it. She wore a dark violet dress with white sleeves, the bodice was black in color with violet designs on it. The skirt was lengthy, reaching slightly past her knees with several layers (The top being a feathery black shade). She wore silvery black stockings with matching violet heels. Last but not least, she wore dark eye shadow and violet lipstick, with a bit of make-up so her cheeks looked paler than normal.

Upon seeing the two girls before her, Pinkie Pie’s face instantly lit up.

“Oh… my… Faust!” She gasped excitedly. “It’s you! You’re the girls who inspired ‘Equestria Girls’!!!”

This caused the remainder of the group, including the two girls, to stare at the little pink party pony with such confusion.

“What are you talking about?” The dark-haired girl asked.

“Well, of course it wasn’t just you,” Pinkie continued. “There was also Monster High, Bratz, Enchantimals… though actually that came out ‘after’ Equestria girls… oh, and I think there’s even some elements of Barbie in there somewhere too! Specifically the ‘Dreamhouse’ edition.”

Okay, hold up! What is she even talking about?

Well, it’s true the previous series like Monster High and Ever After High inspired Equestria Girls. And Enchantimals ‘did’ come out later.

I thought those were just silly toy franchises or something.

Technically Monster High still holds up for a modern audience. They actually have this new movie they brought out to Paramount Plus recently.

Wow, that’s ‘really’ fascinating… can we go back to the story now?

Fine…

*Clears throat* Anyway… the two teenage girls kept looking at the little party pony until Twilight Sparkle stepped up.

“Please forgive my friend girls,” She apologized. “Sometimes what she says makes little to no sense, but she’s a great friend all the same. Allow me to introduce myself: I’m Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Spike.”

“Charmed!” Rarity bowed. “And who might the two of you be?”

“I’m Raven… Raven Queen,” The dark-haired teen answered.

“I’m Apple White,” The blonde added.

“So… how did you get mixed up with this crowd? The guards stumbled upon some underground tea party?”

“Trust me, we’re not ‘those’ kind of ponies,” Rainbow remarked. “Least ‘most’ of us… one minute we barely set a hoof in this country. Next thing we know… we’re chained up like strays!”

“Don’t worry, you get used to it after your first time,” Raven Queen assured.

“I guess so…” Spike nodded, then realized. “Wait! First time?”

While the two groups were talking, the Duloc Guards just loaded some fairytale creatures into cages, few of whom were gnomes. The line continued towards the Guard captain sitting at the desk, while the latest wagon was ready for transport.

“All right! This one’s full,” One guard announced. “Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!”

“Next!” The guard captain yelled.

Amongst the latest fairytale creatures set to load, there was a group of seven dwarves, singing some form of chant. They were shackled together and forced to approach a wagon like a chain gang. All the while the guards tugged their chains harshly, talking down upon them as if they were no lower than a speck of dirt. One of the other fairytale creatures, a witch clutching a broomstick, was brought up by one of the villagers.

“Give me that!” One guard demanded.

He snatched up the broom and proceeded to snap it in half, much to the horror and sadness of the witch.

“Your flying days are over,” The guard declared.

“That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch,” The guard captain paid the villager. “Next!”

Amongst the other creatures waiting in line, there was a Donkey on a leash dragged along by his owner, an elderly woman. The Donkey himself was gray, with brown eyes and a black mane. He looked on in horror as the witch and the group of dwarves were loaded into a wagon.

“Sit down there!” A guard ordered. “Be quiet!”

He soon peered over to another area where his eyes spotted a family of bears locked up. The Mama Bear and Papa Bear were locked inside the giant cages, the former tried to comfort the Baby Bear, who sat in his own cage crying.

“This cage is too small!” Baby Bear cried.

Seeing all this happening made Donkey more scared, especially for what’s to come for him.

“Please, don’t turn me in,” Donkey begged his owner. “I’ll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!”

“Oh, shut up!” The older woman snapped.

“Next!” The guard captain ordered. “What have you got?”

Mr. Geppeto approached placing Pinocchio on the table before the captain. This particular Pinocchio wore a yellow hate, white gloves, a white short sleeve shirt with yellow buttons, blue shorts with suspenders, white socks, and red Mary Jane shoes.

“This little wooden puppet,” Geppeto answered.

“I’m not a puppet!” Pinocchio protested. “I’m a real boy.”

The moment those words departed from his mouth, the little puppet’s nose grew to where it reached across the entire table, much to the bafflement of the nearby guards.

“Five shillings for the possessed toy,” The guard captain declared. “Take it away.”

“Father, please!” Pinocchio pleaded, as the guard dragged him away. “Don’t let them do this! Help me!”

But Geppeto merely took the money and walked away, not even looking back. Further back in line, the Mane Six and Spike, along with Apple White and Raven Queen, saw the whole exchange. They couldn’t believe their own eyes.

“Oh, that poor little puppet!” Fluttershy said sorrowfully.

“Thrown away by his own father,” Rarity sighed sadly.

“He may not be a real boy in most of the adaptations, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings,” Pinkie protested. “Next thing you know, they’ll force the little puppet to fight for Benito Mussolini and the Italian Royal Army!”

“These guards don’t really care about feelings,” Raven told them. “To them, we’re all just trash to be disposed of.”

“But how does a pair of simply gorgeous girls like you wind up here in the first place?” Rarity asked curiously.

“That’s a very long story,” Apple White sighed.

“Can you girls work your magic?” Raven Queen asked.

“Even if we wanted to, we can’t!” Twilight answered. “These chains are embedded with some form of anti-magic preventing any of us from using our powers.”

“Thought so,” Raven Queen nodded in understanding. “If not for the chains, I’d be conjuring my own bit of magic to get us out of here. But these guards are prepared.”

“Wait… you have magic?” Spike asked.

“Don’t worry everyone,” Apple White assured. “We have a plan.”

“Next!”

The line proceeded to move forward as the older woman forcibly dragged Donkey to the table, to the Captain of the Guards waiting.

“What have you got?” The captain asked.

“Well, I’ve got a talking donkey,” The old woman answered.

“Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings… if you can prove it.”

“Oh, go ahead, little fella.”

The old woman untied the rope around Donkey’s jaw and waited for him to speak before the Captain. But Donkey just stood before the captain, very silently and only staring at him. The Equestrian heroes and the two girls looked over from the back of the line, wondering what act of defiance this Donkey was even planning.

“Well…?” The captain raised his brow.

“Oh, oh, he’s just… he’s just a little nervous,” The old woman replied nervously. “He’s really quite a chatterbox…”

Growing irritated, the old woman smacked Donkey again trying to force him to talk.

“Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!” The old woman ordered.

“That’s it, I’ve heard enough,” The captain spoke. “Guards!”

“No, no, he talks! He does!”

Desperate, the woman grabbed ahold of Donkey’s lips moving it while performing some form of ventriloquism.

“’I can talk. I love to talk. I’m the talking-est damn thing you ever saw’.”

“Wow… that’s just sad,” Rainbow muttered under her breath.

“Get her out of my sight,” The captain ordered the guards.

“No, no! I swear!” The old woman begged. “Oh! He can talk!”

But the guards already grabbed hold of the old woman, dragging her away as she struggled in their grips. One of her legs flew out, kicking Tinkerbelle’s cage out of Peter Pan’s hands. In a matter of seconds, her cage dropped upon Donkey’s head, sprinkling him with fairy dust. Before everyone’s eyes, Donkey started floating upwards.

“Hey! I can fly!” Donkey spoke, amazed.

“He can fly!” Peter smiled, posing.

“He can fly!” The three pigs spoke in unison.

“He can talk?!” The guard gasped.

“Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying, talking Donkey!” Donkey announced. “You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!”

“Go Donkey!” Apple White cheered. “Be free! Be free!”

“Whoo-hoo!” Fluttershy cheered quietly.

Unfortunately, the effects of the pixie dust slowly began to wear off and only then Donkey realized the severity of the situation.

“Uh-oh…” Donkey whimpered.

The donkey soon dropped out of the air and landed upon the ground with a big ‘thud’.

“We are definitely not in the Disney period…” Pinkie pouted.

“Seize him!” The captain ordered.

The guards lunged to grab Donkey, who quickly dodged their attempts to grab him.

“Somebody stop that donkey!” The captain ordered.

While all the chaos was happening before them, Raven Queen turned to Apple White.

“All right, do the thing!” Raven spoke.

With a nod, Apple White proceeded to look up toward the sky and proceeded to sing a few bars.

Apple White (Sings):
Ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah!
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

All of a sudden, a flock of birds swarmed from the trees out of nowhere and proceeded to crash into some of the guards, feathers flying all over the place. Then soon, a giant moose stormed through the forest bellowing loudly. The girls proceeded to lower their arms, widening the across the ground exposing a bit of the chain.

“Everyone, lower your arms!” Raven Queen called out.

The Equestrian heroes did just as they were told, spreading the chains out as far as they could. Then with a mighty bellow, the Moose reared up on its hind legs, raised his front, and proceeded to stomp the chains so hard that they broke. As the human girls broke free, the moose approached the Equestrian heroes and severed one of their chain links with his hooves. With the power of the anti-magical circuitry cut off, Twilight could feel her magic return and ignited her horn to remove the remainder off her friends.

“Now wut kind of magic was that?!” Applejack asked.

“That’s not magic,” Apple White replied. “Just years of community service for animal care paying off.”

“We got to go, now!” Raven Queen ordered, running ahead.

“What about the others?” Fluttershy pointed out.

But instead of an answer, Apple White ushered Fluttershy through the forest as Donkey finally broke away and followed the group. As they raced deeper through the forest, they could hear all the guards calling out in the distance.

“They’re getting away! Get them! This way! Turn!”

The group had just barely ventured deep enough through the rooms, when up ahead Donkey ran head-first into the backside of a creature. The Equestrian heroes and two girls skid to a halt and gasped at the sight of the creature, who turned around to see who bumped into him. Our heroes had never seen such a monster in their lives.

It was an ogre, very large, very tall, and fearsome in appearance, approximately twice the size of an average human. He had green skin and tube-like ears. And it’s wardrobe was… well it was clear he cared little for how it looked and just seemed comfortable. The ogre glared at Donkey and the group, who looked slightly scared for a moment.

“Hey! How you doing?” Pinkie smiled.

“I hear voices over here!” The captain called out.

“Uh-oh. Help a Donkey out, wouldja?” Donkey begged.

They quickly hid behind the ogre after spotting the guards catching up to them. The phalanx of armored guards rushed onto the scene, only to stop in their tracks upon the sight of Shrek.

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” The guards screamed, drawing their swords.

“You there… ogre!” The captain spoke terrified.

“Aye?” The ogre spoke.

“Step aside and let us have them.”

“Why? What did they do?”

“I-don’t-wanna-die- I-don’t-wanna-die- I-don’t-wanna-die…” Donkey begged.

“He’s a talking donkey, with talking ponies, two princesses, and… a lizard,” The captain argued.

“Dragon!” Spike and Twilight corrected in unison.

“Whatever… they are freaks of nature! As are you, you unsavory beast.”

“Please let me kick this guy’s butt!” Rainbow begged her marefriend. “It’ll be quick and painless.”

“I don’t reckon you have to,” Applejack assured. “Look…”

As the captain of the guard attempted to muster his courage, the ogre slowly approached the group of guards. All the others were visibly frightened by the mere sight of him.

“By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you all under arrest…” The captain stammered. “And… transport you to… a designated… resettlement… facility?”

“Under arrest?” Shrek remarked, smiling. “Oh, really? You and what army?”

The captain looked behind himself, seeing that all the other guards had abandoned him. Seeing the odds in their favor, the Equestrians gathered around the ogre as they smiled toward the captain. Shrek merely stood silently, gazing at him until…

“BOO!”

The captain gasped in pure terror, tucked tail and ran off into the woods.

“And don’t come back!” Shrek called out, shaking his head.

“Ha! That’ll teach him!” Rainbow smirked arrogantly.

The ogre himself just started to walk back into his swamp while the others looked after him. Donkey, impressed greatly by Shrek, followed his new hero. The Equestrian heroes and new allies proceeded to follow Donkey’s footsteps.

“Can I say something to you?” Donkey spoke. “Listen, you was really, really, really somethin’ back here.”

“Yeah, that was absolutely incredible!” Pinkie replied.

“Are you talkin’ to…”

Shrek turned around, but the Donkey and the others were gone.

“… me?”

Shrek had just turned back around, to continue his journey, when he gasped with a ‘Whoa!’ over Donkey and the others in front of him.

“Yes. I was talkin’ to you,” Donkey continued. “Can I tell you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and ‘BAM’! They was trippin’ over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Shrek annoyed. “Really.”

“We really appreciate you standing up for us,” Twilight spoke up. “We’d still be prisoners if you hadn’t—”

“Oh good, I’m glad, now why don’t you go celebrate your narrow escape with your own friends?” Shrek suggested. “Hmm?”

“But, uh, I don’t have any friends,” Donkey answered.

“Now there’s a shocker,” Shrek replied, walking away.

“There’s no way we can go out there by ourselves now,” Fluttershy spoke worriedly. “Not with all those guards around.”

“Say, I’ve never seen you guys before,” Donkey realized. “You lost or something?”

“No, but we would appreciate figuring out the best routes around this Duloc place,” Rarity replied.

“Oh Duloc! I know Duloc!” Donkey smiled. “Oh, you gotta let me show you guys around, because I am like a GPS with fur!”

“That’s very kind of you,” Apple smiled. “But you did just escape from imprisonment.”

“We’ll be just fine on our own,” Raven concluded.

“But nobody’s fine on their own!” Donkey argued. “Not when you look like we do!”

All of a sudden, an idea just occurred to Donkey who turned toward Shrek’s direction.

“Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea!” Donkey babbled, following Shrek. “We’ll stick with you.”

“What does he mean ‘we’?” Rainbow replied.

“You’re a mean, green, fightin’ machine,” Donkey continued. “Together, we’ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.”

“Actually, Donkey’s got a point,” Pinkie replied. “Have you seen this place? It’s goin’ Stepford! We should join forces or they’re just going to lock us up again!”

“Tell me about it,” Donkey agreed. “I can not go back in a cage! I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I did six years in solitary for impersonating a pinata.”

“… I’m scared to ask why,” Applejack spoke honestly.

Finally fed up, Shrek slowly turned and regarded the motley little group for a moment…

“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAR!!!”

The ogre roared loudly in their face, the girls cringing from its breath blown in their face. Donkey on the other hand…

“Oh, wow! That was really scary,” Donkey continued. “If you don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t work, your breath certainly will get the job done.”

“You definitely need some Tic-Tacs or something,” Pinkie added. “I apologize in advance, but… WHOO! Your breath stinks!”

“And you girls complained about my morning breath…” Spike muttered.

Groaning in exasperation, Shrek tried to walk away. But suddenly, Donkey reappeared ahead of him, dangling from a fallen log.

“Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time…”

Shrek covered Donkey’s mouth, but the motor-mouthed mule just kept talking. Reluctantly, Shrek removed his hand…

“… then I ate some rotten berries,” Donkey continued. “I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.”

“Urgh… didn’t need to hear that,” Rarity groaned.

“Why are you following me?” Shrek asked, annoyed.

“I’ll tell you why,” Donkey answered.

Dropping himself from the log, he started singing…

Donkey (Singing):
Cause I’m all alone,
There’s no one here beside me.
My problems have all gone,
There’s no one to deride me.
But you gotta have friends…

“STOP SINGING!” Shrek shouted.

“Hmph… music hater…” Pinkie pouted childishly.

Impatient, Shrek grabbed Donkey by the ears and tail, pulled him aside, and dropped him before the group.

“Well, it’s no wonder you don’t have any friends,” Shrek grumbled.

“Um, excuse me Mr. Ogre sir,” Fluttershy spoke up meekly. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Yeah, and that was a really catchy song,” Pinkie added. “I really wanted to hear how it ends.”

“No offense ladies, but you have to admit Donkey was getting a little heavy…” Spike replied.

“Spike…” Twilight warned.

“Sorry.”

But actually, the remainder of the heroes had to admit Shrek was thinking the same thought as they were. Now Donkey seemed like a good guy, no question about it. But neither one could deny how much they could tell he didn’t know when to stop talking… or be quiet. He was like a mule version of Pinkie Pie but without all her… randomness.

“Wow…” Donkey gasped, not upset. “Only a real friend would be so truly honest.”

“Hold on an apple minute there, sugar cube,” Applejack spoke. “It’s one thing to give an honest opinion, but that there’s no excuse for saying somethin’ mighty offensive.”

“Like you when you were the fashion judge,” Rarity spoke between laughs.

“Ah didn’t even want the job! Sheesh, you’re never gonna ferget that!”

“Listen little donkey!” Shrek interrupted. “And ponies… and people… and dragon. Take a look at me. What am I?”

“Ooh, I love guessing games!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. “Now lemme see…”

They all studied their savior from head to toe. Spike, Pinkie, and Rainbow forced themselves not to laugh at the grimace upon his face. Even though it was visibly angry, they found the ogre’s face… very funny.

“Really tall?” Donkey asked.

“Really green?” Pinkie asked.

“The missing link?” Twilight asked.

“A fat grump,” Rainbow blurted out.

Although Rainbow said it ‘jokingly’, that comment earned her a smack on the flank courtesy of her marefriend.

“Ouch!”

“No! I’m an ogre!” Shrek shouted. “You know—grab your torch and pitchforks! Doesn’t that bother you?”

But one look toward Donkey and the group, and the former merely shook his head with a smile.

“Nope!” He replied.

To say Shrek was surprised by that answer was quite an understatement. Even if he heard it, he still couldn’t believe it.

“Really?” The ogre asked.

“Really, really,” Donkey corroborated.

“Back in the kingdom we come from, we have friends that are ogres,” Apple White piped in. “Or more rather ‘half’ ogre, but they’re hexcellent company.”

“What kingdom did you girls say you were from?” Twilight asked.

“We didn’t,” Raven Queen shrugged. “We’ll tell you later.”

“Oh…?” Shrek nodded.

The ogre proceeded to face the ponies and dragon, who were just as surprised by Donkey’s response.

“What about you?” Shrek asked them. “You’re afraid of me, right?”

The Mane Six and Spike looked toward the ogre, then at each other. And then, they did something Shrek didn’t expect at all… they smiled upon looking at him.

“Oh no, you don’t scare us,” Twilight answered. “Pardon us for our reaction. It’s just that we never met an ogre before, certainly not where we come from. You just caught us by surprise, that’s all.”

“But it’s obvious you’re a good guy at heart,” Spike said.

“Ya did help us,” Applejack agreed. “That’s wut coutns.”

“Despite not even knowing us at all,” Rarity smiled. “Not that’s quite heroic I must say.”

“And so cool,” Dash added. “You’re not scary at all.”

“Not with those cute ears,” Fluttershy pointed out.

“We’re always glad to meet new friends, no matter what their race,” Pinkie rambled. “If we had a bit for every not-so-jolly-green-giant who turned out to be nice, but misunderstood, we’d have two bits… which isn’t a lot, but it’s surprising that’s happened twice.”

To say the least, Shrek was perplexed. Anyone who saw him or found out he was an ogre, they’d always run away from him or try to lynch him. But these creatures… not only were they unafraid of him, they were speaking to him with such a warmth he hadn’t felt for years… many years, actually. To him it was just so… strange.

“Man, I like you,” Donkey said. “What is your name?”

“Oh, that’s right!” Twilight Sparkle realized. “In all this excitement, we haven’t introduced ourselves. I’m Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends: Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy.”

“I’m Raven Queen,” Raven added.

“And I’m Apple White,” Apple finished, facing Shrek. “And you are…?”

“Uh… Shrek,” The ogre introduced himself, still confused.

“Shrek?” Donkey raised a brow. “Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that whole, ‘I don’t care what anybody thinks of me’ thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You’re all right.”

As Shrek continued on his way, the group trailed behind the ogre, sticking to him like glue. It was only a few seconds into the journey when they climbed the top of a hill, which overlooked Shrek’s home. Right in the very heart of the swamp.

“Goodness… talk about a fixer-upper,” Rarity critiqued. “Who’d want to live in a place surrounded by all this icky-muck?”

“That would be my home,” Shrek answered, annoyed.

“Ooh… and what a lovely home it is!” Rarity answered, chuckling in embarrassment.

“Nice recovery,” Applejack smirked.

“It’s just beautiful!” Donkey added. “You know you are quite a decorator. It’s amazing what you’ve done with such a modest budget.”

“You’d be surprised to find an affordable home in the current market,” Pinkie replied, facing a boulder. “Ooh! I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder… my sister’s little friend would love him.”

“Okay, you two!” Rainbow butted in. “I think you’ve milked it enough.”

As they followed the ogre, they soon noticed some ‘Keep out’ signs around Shrek’s house. Some of which had the ogre’s face painted on them, no doubt warning trespassers to stay away.

“So… I guess you don’t entertain much, Mr. Shrek?” Rarity asked curiously.

“I like my privacy,” Shrek answered bluntly.

“I understand how that feels,” Fluttershy answered quietly.

“You know, I do too!” Donkey chirped in. “That’s another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you’ve got somebody in your face. You’re trying to give them a hint and they won’t leave. And there’s that big awkward silence, you know?”

There’s a moment of awkward silence as the ogre turned back toward the group. The ponies stood there scraping their hooves along the ground, while Apple White and Raven Queen eyed each other briefly.

“So…” Apple White spoke, breaking the ice. “Raven and I were just wondering…”

“Can we crash at your place, tonight?” Raven finished.

“Uh, what?” Shrek asked, aghast.

“Can we stay with you, please?” Donkey smiled.

“Only because we’re lost and most of us don’t know this land very well,” Twilight emphasized. “We’d just need somewhere to stay just until we can come to grips with what’s happening.”

“Yeah, come on, big guy!” Pinkie nudged Shrek’s arm. “It be like a really fun sleepover… please…”

Pinkie Pie proceeded to pull out the puppy dog eyes, while the remainder of the ponies and Apple White did pretty much the same. Shrek looked upon the group for a moment and then…

“Of course!” Shrek answered sarcastically.

“Really?” Spike asked.

“No. Goodbye.”

But Donkey, on the other hoof, was not giving up. And he had a means of convincing Shrek to change his mind.

After a lengthy song and Shrek staring down incredulously toward the group, as they leaned on their knees catching their breath…

“Okay! Okay!” Shrek spoke. “Look, you can come in—”

“Yeah!” Pinkie cheered, hysterically joyfully. “Woo-hoo, alright—”

“On one condition!” Shrek cut her off. “You keep the jabbering to a minimum.”

“You got it!” Twilight smiled, thankful. “Don’t worry, you will not regret this.”

“Too late. Now get in… but one night only.”

“Ah! Thank you!” Donkey sighed, running inside the hut.

“Hey! Wait for me!” Pinkie raced in.

“Ah! What are you… no!” Shrek called out.

But it was too late. Most of the group had already gathered inside the house looking around. Donkey made himself comfortably, hopping upon a cushiony chair.

“This is gonna be fun!” Donkey declared. “We can stay up late, swappin’ manly stories, and in the mornin’… I’m makin’ waffles.”

“Oh, I love waffles!” Apple White smiled. “Like with some pecan… or chocolate chips…”

“Say, I heard they recently added peanut butter chips!” Pinkie pointed out.

“They have?”

“Oh sure! Ooh! I remember when they used to serve these ‘Waf Fulls’, which is your typical waffle stuffed with strawberry or blueberry filling. Or you can keep it simple and fill the waffle with maple syrup. It’s too bad we never got to see the ad for ‘Apple Cinnamon’…”

“I have no idea wut yer talkin’ about,” Applejack answered honestly. “But I do admit it does sound pretty good…”

Shrek groaned with frustration, drawing the attention of everyone in the house.

“Sorry…” Twilight apologized. “Some of us just can’t contain our excitement.”

“So… since we’re going to chill here for the night, where do we sleep?” Rainbow asked.

“Outside!” Shrek pointed out the door, irritated.

“Ooh…” Pinkie’s mane dropped. “Bummer…”

“Oh, well, I guess that’s cool,” Donkey nodded understandingly. “I mean, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.”

“Guess we’re roughin’ it out under the stars tonight,” Applejack declared.

“You mean sleeping… outside… in the swamp…?” Rarity asked slowly.

“Come along, Rarity,” Twilight spoke gently. “We may be guests, but he is our host. Whatever he prefers, we must respect it.”

“Right, so uh… here we go…” Spike spoke.

The group slowly made their way out of Shrek’s house one by one, as the ogre sternly watched them.

“Good night—” Fluttershy began.

*SLAM!*

Shrek slammed the door, shutting the whole group outside.

“… Shrek,” Fluttershy concluded, with a whimper.

“Well… we’ve met some really rude characters in our day,” Rarity replied. “But who does that Shrek think he is? Leaving us out to sleep on the dirt like common animals.”

“Uh Rarity… most of us are animals,” Applejack pointed out.

“I mean, I do like the outdoors,” Donkey replied. “I’m a donkey. I was a born outside. We’ll just be sitting by ourselves outside, I guess, you know. By ourselves, outside…”

“Uh… Donkey?” Apple White spoke up.

Donkey (Sings):
I’m all alone… there’s no one here beside me…

Raven Queen stared awkwardly at the scene but knew where this was going.

“Well… not that this hasn’t been fun,” Raven Queen brushed herself. “But I’m going to go for a little walk while the sun’s out.”

“Wait! You’re just going to go back out there?” Twilight asked, in surprise. “Even with all those guards?”

“What do you think all that commotion we stirred was about?” Raven replied. "Getting ourselves arrested was the only way for Apple White and I to get close enough to know why all the fairytale creatures of this land were forced out of their homes. Now we just need to do a stakeout to find out where they are taking them.”

“Plus, it’s better if Raven and I work together on this,” Apple White added. “Don’t worry… we won’t be gone long. We’ll meet back here later tonight, and I promise we’ll explain everything. You just make yourself comfortable… and we’ll be right back.”

The two princesses proceeded to walk down the path back toward the spot where they previously escaped.

“Oh… and one more thing!” Raven called out. “Don’t drink the water.”

A groan caused the ponies to turn back toward the murky pond. Spike’s purple face went green, and his eyes went wide, as he slowly lifted his face from the pond. He proceeded to slowly open his jaw, allowing all the water to spill out.

“Too late…” The teenage dragon mumbled.

Eviction Notice

Author's Note

Just so you all know, this chapter was far too long to make into just one chapter alone. So the second one will be coming shortly behind this one. A big thank you to Mr. Drama once more for all of his help.

Eviction Notice

Later that evening, the Mane Six, along with Spike, sat together just outside Shrek’s home in the swamp and about a few paces away from the house (Or at least out of hearing range). They set up a campfire at a spot near the pond, the light of the flames cast upon the murky water. For some reason, Donkey remained by the front porch of Shrek’s home, keeping an eye on the ogre while surprisingly being ‘quiet’ about it. To even suggest that it had been a tumultuous day for the group was an understatement. First, they were taken captive by Duloc guards who answered to some guy named ‘Lord Farquaad’. Next thing they know, they meet a few new friends and a giant green ogre with serious people issues.

And now here they were, sitting under the stars in the midst of the swamp that Shrek called home. Apart from the pesky mosquitos which some ponies had to swat away with their tails and the occasional smells of the swamp, not to mention all the dirt and mud they laid upon, looking up at the night sky nearly made them forget how harsh this land was… almost.

“Sure is a nice night out, ain’t it sugar cube?” Applejack asked Rainbow.

“It’s alright,” Rainbow responded seriously. “It’d be nicer if the two of us were in a nice cozy bed instead of laying on the ground in the middle of a smelly swamp.”

“Finally… some pony understands,” Rarity muttered, brushing herself. “It’ll take forever to clear all this mud off my coat… please let it be mud.”

“Aw come on now, it could be worse,” Applejack replied.

It was then Pinkie Pie popped up between Applejack and Rainbow Dash, placing her hooves around their shoulders.

“She’s abso-positively right!” She smiled. “We could very well be stranded on some deserted island, in the midst of a big ocean, forced to make the most of our resources before we eventually go bad and resort to talking to a volleyball for company or a disembodied pig head covered in flies impaled on a spear for fear of a ‘monster’.”

“… Pinkie, I swear your comparisons get crazier by the day,” Rainbow shook her head.

“I know… it’s weird!” Pinkie giggled.

Just then, a rustling sound drew the entire group’s attention and they jumped to their feet/hooves in preparation. Assuming the defensive stance, they glanced intensely into the darkness. Much to their relief, however, Apple White and Raven Queen emerged from the trees and into the clearing.

“There you girls are!” Twilight sighed in relief. “You’ve been gone for hours; I was worried we’d have to come looking for you.”

“Don’t worry, we’re fine,” Raven assured her. “We’ve been traversing this land for a very long time.”

“But why were you girls gone so long?” Fluttershy asked.

“As we mentioned before, we needed the time to find information,” Apple responded. “As it turns out, the majority of these fairytale creatures had been taken from every corner of this land. It doesn’t matter where they hide or who they are, Duloc’s on the hunt and they are the game.”

“How awful!” Rarity gasped.

“Our hope right now is to find a way to help as much as we can,” Raven nodded.

The two girls made their way to join their new friends around the fire and sat alongside them.

“How did you two get mixed up in all this anyway?” Twilight asked.

Raven and Apple faced each other, clearly hesitant over wanting to tell these creatures. Though Apple had a sad look on her face, she gave her nod of approval. Raven released a deep sigh before facing their new allies.

“It’s like this,” She began. “We come from a land known as the ‘United Fairytale Kingdoms’. It’s a land where all the realms of famous stories are joined together as one under one ruler. That being Apple’s mom, Snow White.”

The Mane Six and Spike leaned closely, listening with intent as the two unveiled their story.

“In the heart of the U.F.K., there’s a magical school called ‘Ever After High’,” Raven continued. “It’s a place where the children of the most famous fairytale creatures learn how to follow their fairytale destinies. For a long time it worked… that is until I showed up at the school.”

“What do you mean, darling?” Rarity asked.

“Well, when I attended Ever After High, I didn’t want to be an evil Queen like my mom before me. So the day I came to Legacy Day, which is where we’re supposed to sign an ancient ‘Storybook of Legends’ to follow our destinies, I refused to sign. After that day, things started changing at Ever After High.

“More and more kids sought to follow their own paths rather than the ones their legacies set up for them. So they started following my example and created what’s known as the ‘Rebel Movement’.”

“That still doesn’t explain how you ended up here,” Rainbow pointed out.

“I’m getting there,” Raven muttered. “But I should warn you our story… doesn’t have a happy ending.”

“For a long while, things were actually peaceful in the U.F.K.,” Apple continued sadly. “Everyone was getting along, things were falling into place, it was all wonderful. Then… it happened.”

“What happened?” Pinkie asked curiously.

“We were invaded,” Apple responded. “An unknown army in red-and-gold armor, carrying a flag of a lion, raided our lands. They… they…”

Tears rolled down the poor girl’s face as she started sobbing uncontrollably. She buried herself in Raven’s shoulder, silently apologizing between cries. The dark-haired teen placed her arm comfortingly around her friend.

“They cut down anyone in sight,” Raven finished. “Men… women… children… it didn’t matter to them. They burned our houses, massacred thousands, even kidnapped Apple’s mom and took her Godmother only knows where.”

“That’s… horrible!” Twilight spoke in shock.

“Fortunately, we managed to evade them and escaped to the outskirts of Ever After High,” Raven continued. “Being an expert on hexes, I was able to conjure up a portal through my book of spells so we could escape. Next thing you know, we landed here thinking we’d be safe… and then those knights captured us once… twice… multiple times.”

The Mane Six and Spike couldn’t help but feel extremely sorry for these poor girls. To think that their own lands were invaded and neither one were prepared for an attack. Watching helplessly as everyone they knew were killed and the whole kingdom burned to the ground. They couldn’t even begin to imagine such a thing happening to Equestria, but it only demonstrated that whatever forces they were dealing with they were not their average ‘monster of the week’ villains.

“Anyways…” Apple White broke the silence. “I hope you don’t mind if we invite some small company to join us tonight.”

“What do you mean ‘small company’?” Spike asked, raising a brow.

Raven Queen turned to the side and gave a shrilling whistle toward the darkness. Before the Equestrian heroes could say anything, more rustling was heard. All eyes turned toward the trees and sure enough a group of fairytale creatures entered the swamp. The group consisted of, but not limited to: Pinocchio, the Three Pigs, The Three Bears… sorry, ‘Two’ bears (The Papa and the Baby… no Mama), the Big Bad Wolf, Sugar Plum Fairy, the Ugly Duckling, the Mad Hatter, Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dum, the Shoemaker’s Elf, Peter Pan carrying Tinker Belle in the cage, and a Wicked Witch. Some of them carried suitcases or any other possessions they could carry, they were grumbling and mumbling amongst each other as they looked around their new surroundings.

“Right this way,” Apple White ushered kindly. “Don’t mind the mud.”

“You get used to it,” Raven Queen added.

“This place is a dump!” Pinocchio complained.

“It’s not fit for a pig!” Wolf agreed.

“Hello!! Vee can hear you!” The pigs called out, in German accents.

“Vee are standing right here!” One pig added.

“Look, I know a swamp is the last place we want for shelter,” Raven Queen spoke. “But you’ve all read Lord Farquaad’s decree.”

“Yeah, yeah, we read it,” Pinocchio rolled his eyes. “’All fairytale creatures have been banished from the kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent to a resettlement facility’.”

One of the fairytale creatures, the Shoemaker’s Elf, approached Apple White and tugged her sleeves. She looked toward the little elf, who’s head barely reached under her chin.

“Ma’am… it smells like butt,” The elf squeaked.

“I know sweetie…” Apple White spoke gently.

“Now that I can agree with,” Rarity replied. “How any creature can stand to call a swamp their home is beyond me.”

“Mah family have clients who live in the swamp,” Applejack pointed out. “Ya don’t hear them complainin’.”

“Alright, alright, let’s make sure we’re all together,” Raven Queen spoke up. “When I call your name step forward. Pinocchio the Puppet!”

“I’m not a puppet, I’m a real boy,” Pinocchio argued.

Once again, Pinocchio’s nose grew with a *BWOOOOP* while some of the ponies leaned away from the extension. Pinocchio turned left and right, leaving some of the group ducking. An awkward laugh stirred out of the puppet.

“Go join the others right by the fire,” Raven instructed.

“Thank you very much,” Pinocchio spoke meekly, approaching the Equestrians.

“Shoemaker’s elf!” Raven called out. “Ugly Duckling-“

As Raven went over the rollcall for the motley group of outcasts checking in, Pinocchio settled in next to the ponies and Spike.

“Dumped on a swamp,” Pinocchio grumbled, sitting on a rock. “Man, I tell ya, sometimes being a fairytale creature sucks pine-sap!”

And by the time the song came to an end, all the fairytale creatures slumped beside the Mane Six and Spike mostly chatting amongst themselves.

“Settle in, everyone,” Apple White instructed. “We’ll have to make the best of this.”

“Seeing as it’s our only choice,” Raven Queen replied, cringing. “Wow, this place reeks…”

As the Ever After High girls helped organized the creatures, Spike slowly leaned in toward Twilight Sparkle.

“What are they all doing here?” Spike asked confused. “Thought the girls said they were locked up earlier today.”

“I’m not really sure,” Twilight responded. “But one thing’s for sure, Shrek isn’t going to be happy about this.”

“I only wonder what he must be doing right now,” Fluttershy wondered. “Or even how he’ll feel when he sees a few fairytale creatures here.”

“A few?” Raven Queen raised her brow. “Honey, I’ve got some ‘bad’ news…”

<>

In the meanwhile, completely unaware of the activity happening outside, Shrek was having a comfortable evening in that swamp hut of his. With a pot boiling by the fire, Shrek had just prepared dinner: A slug he had caught earlier as well as what appeared to be a pumpkin. He even helped himself to a drink, with an eyeball instead of an olive which he gulped down in a single sip.

It had been hours since he had encountered those strange little creatures, who made themselves at home with the ogre… albeit they’d stay outdoors. One moment, he peered toward the door wondering if they were still out by the patio or if they had left. It had been awful quiet, even that talkative donkey was rarely silent. But he just took a breath, determined not to let the thought cloud his mind. As far as he was concerned, they’d be gone in the morning and he could return to his peaceful solitude, just the way he liked it.

To finish the display on his table, he made himself a candle from his own earwax and proceeded to lit a bit of hair that was on top. Then, with the mood set, Shrek proceeded to eat his supper, helping himself to a slice of the pumpkin.

From outside, Donkey watched from the window seeing Shrek sitting alone by a table which seemed to be made for more than one person. How a creature could even be content with living alone? Now that the Donkey couldn’t possibly understand. But eventually, he settled down by the front door and made to put himself to sleep despite all the activity happening in the background.

How could he not have heard that big musical number earlier?

Do background stars really pay attention when the cast starts singing randomly?

… Fair point.

But if Donkey nor any of the Equestrians had ‘any’ Earthly idea as to why Shrek preferred to be alone, the thought would never have come up. It was such a long time ago… back when Shrek was… very young…

<>

Flashback…

Once upon a time, Shrek was but a little ogre who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. Like all ogre homes, it was a pretty nasty place, but as mentioned before ogres ‘like’ nasty and he was happy. On his 7th birthday, the little ogre’s parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before…

The parents blew their party horns over the news… but of course the little ogre looked around greatly confused. But right away, his parents packed him up to leave…

And as his parents faded into the distance, the little Shrek continued walking to places unknown. Yes, it was very sad, but ogres were used to that—the hardships, the indiginities, the endless stream miser—

*Random civilian screaming and running at the sight of the little ogre.*

*Clears throat* And so the little ogre went on his merry way and wherever he went crowds would welcome him with festive torches, hatchets—and fun things like that.

*Deploy ‘Happy Villagers’ with torches and pitchforks sneaking toward the ogre.*

But whenever the little ogre tried to join in the fun—

*Shrek turned and scared the villagers, sending them screaming and flailing about.*

… his new friends would suddenly realize they had other things to do.

*Little Shrek is replaced with Older Shrek*

So, the ogre did what his parents had told him to: He found a perfectly rancid swamp and there he stayed for many years, all alone, but very happy with how his life turned out…

<>

End of flashback…

Shrek sighed to himself as memories briefly flooded back into his head… until he caught himself humming that familiar tune. Shaking himself back to reality, Shrek was just about to take another bite of his dinner…

*CREAK!*

A noise drew his attention and the ogre stood up with a huff.

“I thought I told you to stay outside!” He said in irritation.

“We are outside!” Donkey called out.

It was then Shrek heard another noise, only this time it was coming from inside his house. Shrek turned, trying to find the source. Several shadows started moving about the walls and Shrek slowly looked around. All of a sudden, he caught sight of the intruders: the Three Blind Mice, their coats white as fur and each wearing sunglasses and canes. Two of them stumbled about the table trying to find their way… all the while bumping into random objects and inadvertently making a mess.

“Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?” The first mouse spoke.

“It’s not home, but it’ll do just fine,” The second mouse said.

Off to the side, their third companion was bouncing up and down on the slug.

“What a lovely bed.”

“GOT YA!”

Shrek grabbed the mouse, but the little devil escaped and landed on his shoulder. He took a sniff at one of the ogre’s ears.

“I found some cheese!” The mouse called.

The little mouse bit Shrek’s ear and he yelled out in pain. He tried to grab for the mouse, but the blind little fellow was too quick.

“Blah! Awful stuff.”

Eventually, the blind mouse hopped down on the table and landed on a spoon, which flipped a bit of soup right into the ogre’s face (Much to his chagrin).

“Is that you, Forder?” One of the mice asked.

“How did you know?” Gorder replied.

“Enough!”

Finally, the ogre grabbed all three mice at once. Panicked, the mice waved their canes around and struggled to break free.

“What are you doing in my house?” The ogre interrogated.

But before he could get an answer, something bumped him from behind and he dropped the mice. He turned around, only to find the Seven Dwarves having placed Snow White, this universe’s Snow White, on the table as she slept in her glass coffin. One of the dwarves waved sheepishly toward the annoyed ogre.

“Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table!”

Shrek and the dwarves fought it out, pushing the coffin from one end of the table to the other, while the three blind mice made their escape.

“Where are we supposed to put her?” One dwarf asked. “The bed’s taken.”

“Huh?”

Confused, Shrek marched over to the bedroom and threw back the curtain. And somehow, the Big Bad Wolf had snuck in and laid himself comfortable in the bed.

“What?” The Wolf asked.

But by now, Shrek had had just about enough. He grabbed the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and proceeded to drag him toward the front door.

“I live in a swamp, I put up signs, I’m a terrifying ogre!” Shrek muttered, opening the door. “What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!”

Shrek had just thrown the Wolf out the door… when he couldn’t believe what his eyes saw before him. A whole horde of fairytale creatures, with the Equestrians and their friends in the middle, setting up camp in his very swamp. Several emotions began to form in his head: Confusion… but mostly anger.

“Oh, no…” Shrek shook his head. “No! NO!!!”

Shrek dodged out of the way as a group of witches flew on broomsticks. All around the ogre, everywhere he looked, there was one form of activity after another. Some elves and Rainbow Dash were directing flight traffic so the witches and a few fairies had a safe place to land; Applejack and Apple White were busily serving soup to a line of fairytale creatures waiting to eat; the Pied Piper played his pipe beckoning all the rats to run to him while Pinkie gaped with awe; and the two bears sat around the fire, the papa and Fluttershy trying to comfort the weeping little bear over the loss his mother.

Like that 1988 classic by that French guy…

Focus please…

The ogre was overwhelmed by all this activity, so many unfamiliar faces taking up all his living space. He could feel the rage start to build like a volcano about to erupt, and he could no longer hold it in…

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!!!!”

Shrek’s voice echoed throughout the whole came and everyone fell silent. All eyes turned toward the angry ogre; the fairytale creatures gasped in unison. The Three Good Fairies ducked into a nearby tent, while some gnomes ducked behind a tree. Shrek’s eye twitched as he raised one eyebrow toward the ponies, specifically towards Twilight Sparkle, who chuckled nervously.

“Heh, heh… uh… hi Shrek?” Twilight waved feebly. “This isn’t what it looks like—”

“All right, get out of here!” Shrek ordered, waving his arm. “All of you, move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!”

While Shrek tried to force all the fairytale creatures to go away, several dwarves and a few other creatures raced toward the ogre’s house.

“No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!”

But the fairytale creatures slammed the door behind them, leaving only one unfortunate fairy behind. Shrek fiddled with the door handle, unable to pry it over. He gave Donkey and the Equestrians an annoyed look.

“Hey, don’t look at me!” Donkey spoke up. “I didn’t invite them.”

“We’re just as surprised as you are,” Spike agreed.

“It’s our fault,” Apple White admitted. “They didn’t know where else to go; Raven and I were just trying to help—”

“What?!” Shrek snapped.

“Well gosh, we were forced to come here,” Pinocchio explained.

“Forced? By whom?”

“Lord Farquaad!” Pig #2 answered. “He hoofed und he poofed, und he signed an eviction notice.”

“That’s worse than the time the Riches tried to evict me and the Cakes out of Sugarcube Corner!” Pinkie complained, then realized. “Huh… I wonder whatever happened to Spoiled and Filthy anyway…”

“Well, not my problem!” Shrek argued. “Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from.”

“Go back?!” The Mad Hatter gasped. “We can’t go back!”

“Farquaad vil turn us into bratvurst!” Pig #1 cried.

“Is he really as terrible as everyone says he is?” Rainbow asked, skeptically.

“Oh… the guy’s bad news,” The Wolf replied, reading a magazine.

“Hey, may you could talking to him, da?” Sugar Plum Fairy suggested, in a thick Russian accent.

“Yeah, he’ll listen to you!” The Elf squeaked. “You’re big and scary.”

“I’m also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp, and avoid large crowds,” Shrek emphasized. “Or haven’t you read the stories?”

“HA! You mean those stories that say I’m a big ‘bad’ wolf?” Wolf asked mockingly.

“And the ones that say I’m a ‘wicked’ witch?” Witch added.

To which everyone laughed uproariously, as Pinocchio stepped up.

“Or… or the ones that say I’m a ‘wooden’ boy!”

To which an uncomfortable silence came, while the Equestrians looked around trying to avoid Pinocchio’s gaze.

“I wanna tell him…” Applejack whispered.

“Don’t you dare…” Rarity scolded lightly.

“What? I’m not a wooden boy,” Pinocchio argued.

His nose suddenly grew with a *BWOOOOP!*. Before anyone could say anything, he raised a finger.

“I have a glandular condition.”

“Whatever you say pal…” Raven nodded, cringing.

“Look here, ogre, I’m gonna spell it out for ya,” The Witch approached. “We don’t want us here any more than you do. But you’re the only one tough enough to stand up to that no-good flim-flammer Farquaad.”

“And what does that make us?” Rainbow asked, insulted. “Chopped liver?”

“You get numbed to it after a while…” Spike replied.

“Tough enough?” Shrek repeated. “You don’t even know me.”

But as the Equestrians and their friends could see, these fairytale creatures were not giving up. Determined, they approached the ogre. Some of whom bent down on one knee, pleading for him to reconsider.

“ALRIGHT!!!” Shrek shouted, sighing. “Alright, I get it… who knows where this… ‘Farquaad’ guy is?”

At the mere mention of Lord Farquaad, all the other fairytale creatures gasped. As plain as it was for Twilight and her friends to see, not one of them was willing to answer directly.

“Oh, I do!” Donkey spoke up. “I know where he is!”

“He did say he was a GPS with fur!” Pinkie reminded.

“Does anyone else know where to find him?” Shrek asked.

Amongst the crowd, Baby Bear raised his hand eagerly. But Papa Bear quickly lowered the hand down with a shake of his head. The Big Bad Wolf and a wizard pointed at each other.

“Anyone at all?” Shrek repeated.

“Me! Me!” Donkey hopped about.

“Anyone?”

“Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!”

“I volunteer to go with you!” Twilight stepped forward.

The fairytale creatures gasped and murmured as the alicorn princess stepped forward. Some of whom admired such bravery from a little pony, while others thought she was nuts.

“You know the way to Farquaad?” Shrek asked skeptically.

“No… but some pony needs to take a stand,” Twilight replied, contrarywise. “I’ve seen what’s become of these creatures first hand; as princess, I can’t stand idly by while creatures get hurt. So we need to see this Farquaad guy ourselves and demand the right for these creatures to go free.”

“Then I reckon we ought to be joinin’ ya too Twi!” Applejack spoke, facing the ogre. “We’re stickin’ with ya like caramel on a candy apple. Ya have my strength!”

“And you have my magic!” Rarity stepped forward.

“And my speed!” Rainbow flew above.

“And my… overwhelming bag of positivity and love of parties!” Pinkie squealed.

Spike made way to join the girls, when he slowly turned to see Fluttershy hesitant to go.

“You know… maybe one of us should stay here and keep an eye on the fairytale creatures,” Fluttershy smiled nervously. “I mean who needs to talk to Farquaad, anyway?”

“Fluttershy…” Spike tipped his head.

“Okay…”

Reluctantly, Fluttershy stepped forward with Spike patting the shy Pegasus gently.

“Might as well be going too,” Apple White volunteered. “We owe it to these fairytale creatures after all this trouble they went through. We brought them to the swamp; now we have to get them home.”

“I honestly had nothing better to do with my life, so count me in,” Raven joined in.

Seeing that ‘these’ were the ragtag bunch of creatures that Shrek would be leading to join his quest, he massaged the ever-growing migraine out of his head. But beggars can’t be choosers, and he clearly knew these guys weren’t changing their minds.

“Okay… fine,” Shrek sighed. “Attention all… fairytale things! Do NOT get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I’m gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!”

There was a brief silence amongst all the fairytale creatures, until…

“YAY!!!”

The whole crowd erupted with cheering and applause… which was ‘not’ Shrek’s intention at all. A group of birds draped a cloak made of flowers around Shrek’s shoulders, much to his annoyance. Some of the girls thought it funny, with Rainbow and Pinkie giggling over it. But then some birds placed a flowery necklace around Rainbow’s neck to her shock and she groaned.

“You!” Shrek pointed at Donkey. “You’re comin’ with us!”

Shrek brushed the cloak onto the muddy floor and made his way through the crowd. The birds came back to place a wreath of flowers on the remainder of the travelers, including Donkey. Together, the ogre, the ponies, the princesses, the dragon, and Donkey began to work their way through the crowd.

“All right, that’s what I like to hear, man!” Donkey said excitedly. “Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.”

“This is going to be the best adventure ever!” Pinkie hollered.

As they walked away from the crowd, Shrek grabbed the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refused to let go. Shrek shook the torch until the dwarf fell into the pond.

“’Time to say goodbye! Time to say farewell…’” Donkey sang. “Sing it with me, Pinkie!”

“’Time for us to fly! It’s been really swell—‘” Pinkie sang.

“What did I say about singing?” Shrek warned, yanking the wreathes off.

“Can we whistle?” Pinkie asked.

“No.”

“Can we hum it?” Donkey asked.

“All right, hum it.”

Soon Donkey and Pinkie began humming the tune, as the whole team walked off into the night with Shrek’s torch lighting the way. As they ventured through the woods, they stumbled upon a crossroads sign pointing in various directions. One of which said ‘Duloc’, where surely Farquaad resided at the heart of it all. But there was also another sign which read, ‘DO NOT CROSS THIS LINE! OGRE BEYOND!’. While the Equestrians, Donkey, and the Princesses casually stepped forward… they stopped. Turning around, they saw Shrek seemingly hesitant to cross.

“What’s the matter big guy?” Rainbow asked, with a smirk. “You’re not afraid are you?”

“Of course not!” Shrek argued, sighing. “I just know once I step over this line… I’m in for the worst day of my life!”

“Yes… no… maybe so…” Pinkie replied, whimsically. “Or maybe… this could be the best day of your life.”

“I spent a few periods negotiating with royal diplomats as practice for ruling a kingdom,” Twilight said. “If Farquaad is supposedly behind the misery of these creatures, he may know a thing or two about the part our enemies have in this land.”

“We’ll convince that guy to surrender those fiends… and restore freedom for fairytales everywhere even if we have to fight for it!” Rainbow declared boldly. “… And get your swamp back, so we can leave you be.”

“Unless… you’d rather spend the rest of your life sharing your home with a bunch of squatters eating you out of house and home, hmm?” Raven raised her brow.

Whatever Raven Queen did, it was more than enough for Shrek to realize the severity of his situation. Taking a deep breath, he put one big foot across the border between the swamp and Duloc then took the next step. Soon Shrek was marching ahead of the group, taking the lead once more as the rest followed him.

“You know you can be really dark sometimes, right Raven?” Apple inquired.

“It’s called ‘reverse psychology’, nothing to do with evil,” Raven replied. “Mom used to pull that on me all the time.”

“Just let Farquaad ‘try’ and stop us,” Rainbow replied. “How scary can this guy possibly be?”

Evil Schemes

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you a short musical break.

Ladies and gentlemen… Elias…

*Guitar strum!*

A spotlight fell upon a man with a bushy black beard, a Hawaiian shirt over a blank tank top, jeans, and black boots. He sat upon a stool and held a guitar.

*Awkward pause* Well… that was different…

This has been a short musical break! And now… back to the Cinematic Adventures!

<>

Somewhere, in another part of Duloc, a man dressed in an executioner’s hood prepares for the latest form of torture in one of the darkest chambers of the castle. The masked man, Thelonious by name, slams a glass upon the table… and proceeds to pour some milk. While making the final preparations, the castle guards march into the large chamber in single file.

Guards (Sings):
Farquaad is on his way.
He’s on his way.
He is nearly here.
He’s down the hall. Getting close.
He is just outside.
Behind the door.
He is on his way.
Here he is. Right here.

The torture chamber doors are thrown open revealing a terrifying, back-lit figure walking from the hallway. The figure was led into the room by two of his guards. But as the shadowy figure got closer and closer, the shadow to get smaller until it was plain to see the knights seemed to tower over him. And then… he was fully revealed before his faithful servant.

The man, Lord Farquaad himself, wore his signature outfit of mainly red and black. Atop his head was a red hat with a white top and red cape to match his red tunic with black sleeves. He also wore red gloves with gold trims, black pants, a black belt with a gold buckle around his waist, and black leather boots. He had a big chin, a pageboy haircut… and he was abnormally short (About roughly… four feet tall).

As he stood like a figure posing under a spotlight, the masked man was dunking what appeared to be a tiny person into the glass of milk repeatedly.

“That’s enough!” Farquaad spoke. “He’s ready to talk.”

The Masked Man lifted his hand and in his grasp… was the Gingerbread Man, or just Gingy for short, drawn out of the milk and coughing his lungs out. He was about the size of a human hand, decorated with colorful frosting and two gumdrops, The masked man slammed the living cooking onto a cookie sheet, and it was apparent all that was missing were both his legs. The terrified Gingy was petrified the moment he saw Farquaad.

“Ohhhhh, it’s you…” Gingy whimpered.

Farquaad maniacally laughed as he approached the table. Soon as he reached the table, he was so short he could barely see above it. He cleared his throat, and the table was lowered on command. Relishing the moment before him, Farquaad pulled out Gingy’s severed legs and started playing with them like toys.

“’Run, run, run, as fast as you can,’” He mocked. “’You can’t catch me—I’m the Gingerbread Man!’”

“Look what you’ve done to my legs!” Gingy cried. “You’re a monster!”

“I’m not the monster here, you are!” Farquaad retorted.

He threw one leg at Gingy and crushed the other in his hand, right in front of him.

“You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. I know I haven’t gotten them all. Now, tell me! Where are the others?!”

“Eat me!” Gingy said defiantly.

He spat milk into Farquaad’s eye, which angered the small lord. Farquaad’s guards pulled out various torture devices—a rolling pin, a giant spatula, an egg-beater, a carton of milk… and salted butter.

“No!” Farquaad spoke, through clenched teeth. “I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I’ll…”

He grabbed for one of Gingy’s gumdrop buttons, threatening to pull it off.

“No, no, not the buttons!” Gingy cried out. “Not my gumdrop buttons!”

“All right then, who’s hiding them?” Farquaad interrogated, shining the light closer.

“Okay, I’ll tell you…” Gingy relented. “Do you know the muffin man?”

“The muffin man?” Farquaad asked.

“The muffin man.”

“Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?”

“Well, she’s married to the muffin man.”

“The muffin man?” Farquaad asked again.

“The muffin man!” Gingy cried.

“She’s married to the muffin man…”

“ENOUGH OF THIS!”

A new voice caused Farquaad to jump and spin just as Lord Tirek, along with two cloaked figures, entered the room from the darkness. All the guards in the room ducked behind their lord, shuddering at the presence of the giant creature. The diminutive lord himself had a mix of terror and confusion on his face at the sight of the centaur and the two mysterious figures.

“Who are you?” He questioned. “How did you get in here? I warn you: I have a garrison of guards out there, who’ll arrive in mere seconds.”

Tirek merely released an amused chuckle as he and his cohorts stepped forward, towering over the small man.

“And why would you trouble yourself with wasting more iron?” Tirek asked, with a smirk. “Especially when we come with an offer you can’t refuse.”

“As if I’d actually contemplate anything you have to say!” Farquaad responded defiantly. “You’re obviously another fairytale creature polluting my perfect world. I’ll have you locked away like all the rest of them.”

Tirek chuckled once more as he reached out with his massive arm and plucked the small Lord off the ground with one hand, his small legs kicking in the air. The guards were about to approach, when…

“Uh, uh, uh…” Tirek raised the other hand. “Wouldn’t have to see how fragile your ‘lord’ really is, would you?”

“What’re you doing?!” Farquaad yelled in fear. “Put me down this instant! I don’t like heights!”

“Then I really suggest you hear what me and my colleagues have to offer,” Tirek suggested.

“Alright, alright, I’ll listen!” Farquaad nodded rapidly. “Just put me down, please.”

Tirek lowered Farquaad back to the ground and the little man instantly dropped to his knees, kissing the ground, and thanking some lord above to be back upon it again. As the guards comforted their lord, the two cloaked figures stepped before him which caused them to look up.

“Rise up, you fool,” One figure ordered in a feminine voice.

Ushering his guards aside, Farquaad slowly rose back to his minor stature and looked up toward the two figures.

“Who are you?” He asked curiously.

The two figures reached up and grasped the edges of their hoods before pulling them back.

The first was a tall yet slim woman with dark green eyes. She had dirty blonde hair that had been cut very short and a small crown nestled upon it. Her entire aura was of a woman full of grace, yet a heart black as the dress she wore.

The second figure was also a woman, just as tall but perhaps just slightly shorter than the other woman. She had long dark brown colored hair pulled back in the style of an elegant bun. Her fake brown eyes had an icy stare that perfectly matched the smirk on her ruby red lips.

“I am Cersei of House Lannister,” The first figure announced. ‘Lady of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Wardeness of the West, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, and Protector of the Realm.”

The other figure rolled her eyes before stepping up to introduce herself.

“And I’m Regina Mills, Queen of the Enchanted Forest,” She announced. “Unlike my colleague here, I keep all unnecessary titles out.”

Cersei snapped her head towards Regina with a sharp look on her face.

“Do not vex me!” She warned venomously.

“I make the same request of you,” Regina retorted. “Or if you’d like, I could very well… turn up the heat.”

Regina proceeded to make a clutching motion with one hand and a ball of fire materialized out of thin air. Tirek quickly stepped between the two bickering queens knowing things were getting intense.

“Calm down ladies, after all we’re not here to fight each other,” He reminded them. “Need I remind you we’re here for those meddling kids and those aggravating ponies?”

Tirek looked back toward Lord Farquaad, who attempted to put on a brave face.

“You see, despite our differences in appearance, we actually have something in common,” He informed the small lord. “We want to destroy those that stand in the way of our intentions. And you’re going to want our help to make that happen.”

“MY LORD!!!!”

Just then, a door opened, and the Captain of the Duloc Guards stepped in as the villains turned to face him.

“We have scoured the land tirelessly and have finally found the one treasure you most seek!”

Farquaad quickly covered his mouth to prevent a gasp from escaping. He started to breath heavily, gasping for breath, while Tirek raised his eyebrow at the scene. Farquaad leaned lower than his usual stance, then lifted himself straight, adjusted his wardrobe, and turned toward his captain with a toothy smile.

“A pretty pony?” He guessed.

“… No!” The captain answered awkwardly. “It’s the magic mirror, sire.”

Farquaad looked back and forth between the captain and the invaders. He found himself in a bit of a quandary with what to do. Of course, he had to admit the offer these strangers made certainly seemed tempting. However, he wasn’t entirely certain as to whether they could be trusted or not. Deciding on a whim, he quickly made his decision.

“Then what are you waiting for?” He called the captain. “Bring it in!”

The captain and more guards entered carrying an object covered by a sheet. As the guards made their way into the chamber, they paused for a moment upon the sight of the strangers and the nervous state of their colleagues.

“Is uh—everything alright, my lord?” The guard captain asked nervously.

“Indeed captain,” Farquaad assured. “As a matter of fact, everything’s more than alright. Set it up there on that hook.”

They mounted the object under the tarp on the wall and the Captain quickly removed the sheet revealing the Magic Mirror itself. A small swirl of smoke appeared in the mirror until the smoke itself took the form of a theatrical face. Everyone, minus Tirek and the two queens, stood in awe.

“Ohh…” Gingy gasped in awe.

“Magic mirror…” Lord Farquaad began.

“Don’t tell him anything!” Gingy yelled.

Beside the table, Tirek smacked the cookie man off the table and into a trash can.

“ I can’t stand cookies,” He grimaced. “Too sickly sweet.”

“Indeed…” Farquaad nodded, facing the guards. “Take that cookie into the swamp!”

“The swamp is no place for a cookie!” Gingy cried as the guards carried him. “You’re horrible—”

With Gingy out of the way, Farquaad faced the mirror once more.

“Evening,” He greeted. “Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?”

“Ah yes, Duloc is a wondrous land,” The mirror responded. “But there is one thing you forgot: You are technically not a king, so a kingdom this is not.”

“Uh, Thelonious,” Farquaad addressed his executioner.

Thelonious held up a hand mirror and smashed it with his fist, much to the Magic Mirror’s horror.

“You were saying?” Farquaad grinned.

“What I mean is you’re not a king yet,” The mirror said nervously. “But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.”

“Or perhaps… a Queen?” Farquaad suggested facing Cersei and Regina.

“Touch me and I’ll roast you alive!” Regina threatened.

“I’ll have you flayed, and your skin mounted for display,” Cersei added.

The looks the two evil queens gave made Farquaad chuckle nervously before turning back to the mirror.

“Go on,” He ushered.

“So, just sit back, and relax, my lord,” The mirror told him. “Because it’s time for you to play Duloc’s fastest growing game show sensation: THIS IS YOUR WIFE!!!”

Soon the title ‘This is Your Wife’ replaced the Mirror’s face, glowing so brightly that the torture chamber filled with light and color. All the guards eyed the glass, like kids with their eyes staring at a T.V. screen. Soon bouncy gameshow music began playing out of nowhere.

“Now let’s meet today’s eligible bachelorettes!” The mirror announced, like a game show host. “And… here they are!”

Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror revealed three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seemed confused but watched silently. Tirek and the queens merely stood a slight distance in the back.

“Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away,” The mirror announced. “She likes sushi and hot-tubbing, any time! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome… Cinderella.!”

An image of Cinderella doing housework flipped to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looked at her approvingly, though the only one who clapped was the captain.

“I like the broom…” Tirek replied bluntly.

“Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she’s not easy.”

An image of the Seven Dwarves flashed onscreen. The guards laughed at the Mirror’s inside joke.

“Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a livewire she is! Come on, give it up for… Snow White!”

The mirror showed a portrait of Snow White in her slumber.

“Oh, she’s in Tupperware,” Farquaad joked.

From the background, Regina dawned a menacing scowl on her face at the mere mention of the princess’ name. Farquaad seemed even more pleased, and everyone else clapped this time.

“And last, but certainly not least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!”

The mirror displayed an image of a giant dragon beside a tower, then a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shined upon the screen and Farquaad covered his eyes. However, this didn’t deter his interests.

“But don’t let that cool you off. She’s a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing… Princess Fiona!”

The mirror presented a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again, everyone clapped.

“So, will it be: Bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?” The mirror asked.

“Oh, they’re all so nice!” Farquaad grinned nervously. “I don’t know! Boys, what do you say?”

The mirror flipped through each of the princesses’ portraits. The guards shouted out different numbers, while Farquaad frantically tried to decide. Most of them were shouting ‘two’ or ‘three’.

“One, two, three, one, three, one… “Farquaad counted, facing the guards. “One, three, two, three… THERE’S NO FOUR!”

“Three!” Thelonious spoke up. “Pick number three, my lord!”

“Okay, okay, uh… number three!” Farquaad chose.

“Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen… Princess Fiona!” The mirror answered.

Wild applause erupted from the guards, even those at home reading the words ‘Applause!’ on the big screen. The whole while, Farquaad was captivated by the portrait of Fiona his bride-to-be.

“Princess… Fiona… she’s perfect,” Farquaad smirked happily. “Except for that dragon and lava thing. I’ll have to find someone else to go…”

“Big surprise…” Tirek spoke to himself.

“But you know, I probably should mention the little thing about the princess that happens at night,” The mirror warned.

But it was obvious Farquaad wasn’t listening at all, he was too busy formulating a plan.

“I’ll do it!” Farquaad said determined.

“Yes, but after sunset…”

“Silence!” Farquaad snapped at the mirror. “I shall make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men, summon the citizens, and Thelonious, tell the Royal Coiffeur I need to get my hair pressed. We’re going to have a tournament!”

The guards formed a line and bowed to their lord before making their way out the room as instructed. This left Farquaad alone in the room once more, along with his new colleagues.

“Is that all this magic mirror can do?” Regina asked. “Can’t it show you more than just a picture of this princess you wish to find? Can it show other things like say… your enemies?”

“I’m afraid not, ma’am,” The magic mirror responded. “For the only thing I can provide are answers to quandaries.”

“In other words… that makes you completely useless!” Regina scoffed. “Luckily, I happen to have a mirror of my own that can tell us exactly what we need to know. Guards!!! Bring me my mirror… and remove the outdated one!”

With a snap of her fingers, a couple of black knights entered the chamber carrying a different mirror. A few others came in and grabbed hold of the other mirror.

“Wait, you can’t take me away!” The mirror yelled. “I can still be of use; you didn’t even look at my special features! I’ve got extras! Fiona’s portrait gallery, the story of the curse, deleted scenes--”

But his words fell on deaf ears as the knights carried the old mirror out and brought in the new one. They hung it right on the very spot where the old mirror used to be, and Regina stepped right in front of it.

“Mirror!” She said loudly.

Just then, in a puff of blue smoke, a much different face appeared in the magic mirror. The face of that of an elder man with a dark beard and aged skin.

“What can I assist you with, your majesty?” The mirror asked.

“There are enemies somewhere in this world who threaten our plans,” Regina informed the mirror. “I need you to find them.”

However, the magic mirror looked rather hesitant.

“Forgive me, my Queen,” He apologized. “My abilities to look through the mirror realm are heavily altered in this realm.”

This did not bode well for Regina at all. An angry glare spread across her face.

“Need I remind you that you live to serve me?!” She yelled. “You have no choice in the matter, Mirror. You will do as I ask… or I’ll grain you into sand!”

The Magic Mirror stared down the Evil Queen for a moment. Then he sighed to himself, looking down in defeat.

“Yes, my Queen,” He said. “I shall do all I can to aid you.”

“That’s more like it,” Regina smirked. “Now you know what to do. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, show me who we want to kill most of all.”

In another puff of smoke, a new image appeared in the mirror. The image was of the Mane Six and Spike traveling the countryside alongside Shrek, Donkey, Apple White, and Raven. They were traveling through the night trying to find their way.

“There they are,” Cersei pointed at the two teens. “Those two brats who escaped when my knights slaughtered all in their realm. They may have escaped once, but I can assure they won’t escape me again.”

“No, they won’t,” Tirek agreed. “Not them… or those ‘ridiculous’ ponies and their puny dragon.”

The sound of someone clearing their throat drew the trio’s attention toward Lord Farquaad.

“And what of me?” He asked. “You said you’d help me with what I want.”

Tirek leaned toward the tiny Lord and placed a giant hand on his shoulder, much to his chagrin.

“Don’t worry, little man,” Tirek smiled wickedly. “You will get what you want as we will get what we want. Play along with our plans, and everything goes off without a hitch.”

“And what exactly is your plan?” Farquaad asked.

Tirek turned his attention back to the two Queens.

“I will take a garrison of your guards and go ahead to the castle where this princess is being held,” He told them. “No doubt those dimwit do-gooders will end up heading there at some point.”

To which Cersei and Regina merely nodded and a small army of black knights and Lannister knights marched into the room. Tirek proceeded to lead the small army out and off to begin their wicked scheme. This left Lord Farquaad with Regina and Cersei.

“So… what do we do now?” Farquaad asked.

“I’m not sure what your intentions may be, but I for one am in need of some wine,” Cersei responded.

“Allow me to show you to my finest cellar!” Farquaad volunteered. “Ooh! I’m going to get a queen!”

“I’ll join you shortly,” Regina added.

Farquaad and Cersei proceeded to make their own way from the room with their own garrison of guards. Alone, Regina turned her attention to where the old mirror was being taken and a thought occurred to her.

<>

“HALT!!!”

The knights carrying the old mirror stopped as Regina stomped her way toward them. They positioned the mirror so the face could see the intense look of the queen herself. To suggest he seemed intimidated was an understatement.

“You said you had some information on Princess Fiona?” Regina questioned.

“So, you do need to know of her predicament?” The mirror answered with a question.

“’Leverage’… that’s all I need,” Regina corrected. “Frankly, I trust Cersei as much as I trust my own battalion. Not to mention, those magic cancelling items I’ve been supplying may not be enough. But the more I know about this princess, the better it will work in my favor. Now… what can you tell me about the princess?”

“If you want to know more, just click ‘backstory’,” The mirror explained, showing the option. “And you’ll get to see the princess when she was seven years old.”

As instructed, Regina placed her hand on the glass to the spot where the ‘backstory’ symbol was on display. Then, the mirror proceeded to glow, and Regina braced herself for the divine knowledge she was about to have in her possession.

<>

Flashback…

Once upon a time, there was a little princess named Fiona, who lived in a kingdom ‘Far, Far Away’. One fateful day, her parents told her that it was time for her to be locked away in a desolate tower, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon—as so many princesses had for hundreds of years before.

Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? A poor little princesses hidden away from the world, high in a tower, awaiting her one true l—

“Just get to the point!” Regina ordered.

Alright, alright!

We find the princess, seven years old, sitting by herself in the tower awaiting for true love’s kiss to rescue her. Every day, she’d sit alone in her tower with her toys as her only form of company. And every day, while waiting for some knight to brave the dangers posed by the dragon, she’d read to her toys as if they were her own friends.

<>

“STOP!!! I’ve heard enough!” Regina declared.

The whole image within the mirror disappeared as the spirit of the magic mirror himself returned, slightly nervous yet curious of Regina’s reaction. But she gave no other response, no other words. With a gesture of her hand, the guards assumed the command and resumed carrying the mirror away without waiting to hear an objection. Having gotten what she needed, or at least partially, Regina straightened herself up and worked her way to join the others.

“I hate it when they sing…” Regina muttered.

Dueling in Duloc

A bright blue sky and a glowing sun shined down upon the kingdom of Duloc as the Mane Six, Spike, Apple White, Raven Queen, Shrek, and Donkey walked side-by-side in the direction of Farquaad’s castle. For the past day-and-a-half, they followed Donkey’s direction. After recent events found Shrek in the company of fairytale creatures squatting in his swamp, he was determined to find this Lord Farquaad and recover his land back for himself. Currently, however, the whole team were ready to stop seeing as they were getting lost due to Donkey’s directions.

“C’mon! Not much farther now!” Donkey beckoned.

“Is it really?” Twilight questioned skeptically. “Because the last few times you said that we got completely lost and had to backtrack.”

“I didn’t get us turned around that bad,” Donkey said defensively.

“Are you kidding?” Spike asked seriously. “First we took that one right to the candy house, then we passed that weird old woman in the shoe, and next thing you know we took that left to a castle owned by a woman named ‘Oprah’.”

“And here we were thinking she was just the Queen of talk shows!” Pinkie giggled.

“I tell ya if we go any further away than we were before, time would be going backwards.”

“Ah knew ah shoulda taken the lead,” Applejack shook her head. “Ah could find mah way outta any forest with just the stars alone.”

“Not to mention the distant smell of cow patties,” Rainbow snickered.

This earned the Pegasus a swift slap on the flank courtesy of her marefriend’s tail.

“Yow!” She cried in surprise. “Save it for the bedroom why don’t you?!”

“I did not need to hear that,” Raven cringed.

“Me neither,” Apple agreed.

“You know what you guys need?” Donkey asked casually. “A road trip game! The rules are very simple: Whoever spots a horse and cart along the road—Punch buggy!”

Donkey suddenly punched Shrek’s arm and he cringed with pain.

“Fun, right?!” Donkey smiled.

“No!” Shrek cried out. “What kinda insane game is that?”

“Haven’t you ever been on a road trip?”

“No.”

“Man, you need to get out more, because—Punch buggy!”

“Owwww!”

“I gotcha with that wagon full of hay over there.”

“Donkey, I don’t think Shrek wants to play,” Fluttershy suggested nervously.

“If you do that one more time—” Shrek warned.

“See, that’s another reason you need me around,” Donkey rambled. “Who else is gonna fill you in on all the fun stuff you missed out on? You may not know it, but you are one lucky ogre to meet up with—”

“Punch buggy!”

Shrek punched Donkey so hard on the arm, he was sitting on the ground with his mouth agape and the pain slowly seeping in…

“Ow!” Donkey whined, clutching his left arm.

“Mutton cart at three o’clock!” Shrek chuckled, with a victory dance.

“Mother Hubbard, that hurt!”

“You know, you’re right, that was pretty fun. Shall we play again?”

“No, that’s okay, you win. Maybe we should move on to ‘I Spy’, or ‘I went on a Picnic’…”

“Or maybe a game that won’t put any of us in a hospital,” Twilight butted in.

“Hey guys, look!” Spike pointed. “There’s another castle up ahead.”

“Yeah, that’s Duloc!” Donkey confirmed. “Didn’t I tell you I’d find it?”

“Yeah, you found it,” Rainbow muttered. “After only three or four tries…”

The whole group gazed their eyes toward Duloc Castle and noticed something rather interesting. The entire castle itself stretched high into the air, well above the tiny village laid beneath its shadow.

“So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle,” Shrek observed.

“Uh-huh, that’s the place,” Donkey nodded.

“I’ll give him this, that’s quite the castle,” Raven commented.

“Even bigger than Ever After High,” Apple agreed.

“It’s a bit much, isn’t it?” Shrek asked jokingly. “Do you think he might be compensating for something?”

Shrek laughed, but Donkey didn’t seem to get the joke.

“Ah, forget it,” Shrek groaned, crossing the parking lot.

“Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek!” Donkey called out.

“Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry!”

A man and a woman raced through the castle’s entrance as our heroes made way. In front of the gate, they stumbled upon a series of ropes hung like a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stood at the start of the line bidding the guests entry. The whole team exchanged looks with one another.

“Welcome to the Duloc Fetch a Princess Festival!” The mascot called out. “The show’s about to begin!”

“Is that supposed to be a Farquaad mascot?” Rainbow questioned. “Here I was thinking our buck ball teams had ugly mascots.”

“Hey! Hey, you!” Shrek called out.

“Ahhhhh!!!” The mascot screamed. “Ogre! Ahhhhh!”

Screaming at the sight of Shrek, the mascot raced through the roped path toward the front gate.

“Wait a second!” Shrek called out. “Look, I’m not gonna eat ya! I just—I just—”

But Shrek merely sighed in frustration as he began pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot, unable to see in his giant head, ran into a wall. *BAM!*

“Ooooooooo!” The girls and Spike winced.

“Is he alright?” Fluttershy asked worriedly.

“Uhhhhh… ohhhhh… whyyyyy?!” The mascot groaned. “Whyyyyy?!”

“Well… aside from being brain dead for running through the ropes like that and knocking himself out… yeah he’s fine,” Rainbow responded.

“This place is weird,” Shrek declared. “Let’s find this Farquaad guy and get outta here.”

“Ooh! Can we stop at the gift-shop?” Pinkie suggested. “I wanna get a t-shirt.”

“We’re not stopping for t-shirts!”

“Aww!!!”

Shrek pushed through the entrance’s turnstile, but Donkey got caught in it and landed upon the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiled, while Shrek continued on sighing with frustration. By the time the rest made it inside, they found Shrek and Donkey looking around the square. But for some strange reason the whole place was deserted.

All the trees and grass were neatly cut. Every row of houses they saw looked exactly the same. Cheery music quietly played over a set of loudspeakers. And in one of the shops, there were dozens of toys and various souvenirs that resembled Lord Farquaad.

“Certainly a charming town I’ll admit,” Rarity spoke, breaking the silence. “However, doesn’t it seem too…?”

“It’s quiet,” Shrek interrupted.

“That’s right,” Rarity nodded. “Too quiet…”

“Where is everybody?” Apple asked curiously.

“Hey, look at this!” Donkey spoke up.

The group turned as Donkey raced over and pulled a lever attached to a box marked ‘Information’. The music started to wind up, increasing ever so slowly, and then the box opened while playing music. Inside, were these little wooden people, men and women, which proceeded to sing for the bewildered group.

Performers (Sing):
Welcome to Duloc.
Such a perfect town.
Here we have some rules,
Let us lay them down.
Don’t make waves, stay in line,
And we’ll get along fine.
Duloc is a perfect place.

Please keep off of the grass.
Shine your shoes, wipe you… face.
Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place!

Suddenly, soon as the doors closed, there was a camera snap and a picture of Donkey, Shrek, and the rest of the gang emerged. While Shrek and Donkey were clearly dumbfounded, part of the group either cringed at the whole scene, some actually found it amusing, and fewer… well they had no idea what to think.

“Wow… that was so sickeningly sweet I think a cavity just came in,” Raven muttered dryly.

“Let’s do that again!” Donkey proposed.

“I get a turn to crank the lever!” Pinkie volunteered.

Donkey and Pinkie Pie raced over to pull the lever again, but Shrek and Twilight Sparkle grabbed them by the tail (In Twilight’s case, with her magic).

“No, no, no, no, no!” Shrek muttered. “No…”

“We need to focus Pinkie,” Twilight spoke. “We’ve got to find this Farquaad if we hope to help those fairytale creatures. Now, where do we start?”

Suddenly, a series of trumpet fanfare drew the group to the distance afar. Then a voice proclaimed from the distance.

“And here’s the man who made it happen!” A women’s voice proclaimed. “The towering colossus of moxie! Looooooooooord Farquaad!”

“I think we done found him,” Applejack confirmed.

“We better investigate,” Apple White suggested. “But stay close…”

And so the group proceeded to make their way toward all the commotion. While following Shrek and Donkey down the tunnel, which appeared to lead to some form of arena, Donkey and Pinkie Pie couldn’t help but hum along to the Duloc theme song.

“All right, you’re going the right way for a smacked bottom!” Shrek warned.

“Sorry about that,” Donkey smiled sheepishly.

“Besides, that’s my husband’s job!” Pinkie replied, facing the screen. “Hi honey! How’s Lil’ Cheese?”

Eventually, the group reached the center of a stadium-like arena where Duloc’s knights gathered before a large crowd of citizens watching from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and various equipment scattered about the arena floor. And before them, Farquaad stood with his back turned atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards. Slowly, the Equestrians and their allies stepped out onto the arena careful to not be noticed. Soon, a la ‘Evita’, Lord Farquaad turned around to the knights and feigned surprise.

“Oh, it’s you!” Farquaad smiled. “What a terrific surprise.”

And as if this couldn’t be weird enough, Lord Farquaad started to sing.

(Skip to 0:45)

Suddenly, the central balcony lowered toward the arena floor and split apart allowing Farquaad to step out amongst the knights who stood still with discipline. Out another tunnel, a group of male and female performers dressed in bright red and blue outfits with blonde wigs danced around Lord Farquaad, who proceeded to sing and dance with the loyal Dulocians. Silently, the Equestrians watched with a collective ‘WTF?’ stare.

“Hey, let’s hear it for those Duloc dancers! Aren’t they terrific?!”

Quietly observing in the background, the Equestrians and their allies stood watch as Lord Farquaad was putting together some large, yet ridiculous dance-break with the performers. What was even more astonishing was how still the knights stood, not once did it seem anyone seem to break (Least not from the back). Yet, either the song itself or the jazzy beat being so catchy, even Fluttershy couldn’t help but nod her head to the beat. At least until Pinkie Pie turned toward Fluttershy with a rare grumpy face and shook her head to stop her as if Pinkie found this scenario… ‘familiar’.

At one point, in the midst of Farquaad’s dance, he called out ‘Boys!’ and two of the performers lifted him over the floor, his tiny and skinny legs dangling, before they put him down and he continued.

Soon, as Farquaad returned to the platform that rose the balcony straight back up to look over the knights, the crowd erupted in applause. Farquaad basked in all the applause, sometimes lowering his hands to silence them… then with his arms raised up quickly they applauded again. The heroes just stared awkwardly at this whole scene.

“Oh… my… Faust!” Pinkie gaped. “It’s the ‘Our Town!” song all over again!”

“This little man is who all the fairytale creatures are so scared of?” Rainbow asked skeptically. “He’s a flipping fruitcake!”

“For once, I have to agree!” Shrek nodded.

“And now good people of Duloc, the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” Farquaad announced. “Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest. Originally, I arranged a raffle drawing… but someone went and broke my barrel!”

Farquaad turned toward the back, expecting to see someone in the darkness deep in the castle. From where they stood, our heroes couldn’t even tell who Farquaad was looking at.

“Nevertheless, we have arranged a series of events to test skill and vigor to determine who remains as our champion!” Farquaad continued. “That champion shall have the honor—no, no—the ‘privilege’ to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon.

“If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.”

Despite the impending doom ahead of the tournament, despite the slight hint of fear beneath the helms of Duloc’s warriors, the crowd around them cheered for these warriors. Shrek and Raven Queen looked around, then noticed a man holding up a cue card toward the crowd which read ‘Applause’. Demonstrating that these people perhaps weren’t cheering under their own will.

“Let the tournament begin!” Farquaad declared.

Turning toward each other, Shrek, Donkey, the Mane Six, Spike, Apple White, and Raven Queen marched past the knights toward Lord Farquaad.

“Uh, excuse me!” Twilight called out.

The knights turned toward the group and were stunned by the interruption. The once-cheering audience stopped and gasped as they finally noticed the motley group in the arena, some of whom wondering ‘What’s going to happen?’.

“What is that?!” Farquaad asked in disgust. “Ugh! It’s hideous!”

“Well, that’s not very nice…” Shrek frowned, facing the group. “… It’s just some ponies, a dragon, two princesses and a donkey.”

His companions realized he thought the diminutive despot was referring to them. ‘Eh?’ was all the Mane Six and Spike had to say.

“I was actually referring to you,” Farquaad reiterated, taking a closer look at the ponies. “But now that you’ve mentioned it, those colors absolutely DO NOT mesh with those equines. Is that even natural?”

The comment made the Mane 6 scowl over the insult.

“Well, I never!” Rarity huffed.

“We will be the bigger ponies… we will be the bigger ponies…” Twilight took a deep breath. “Are you Lord Farquaad?”

“… Maybe,” Farquaad answered. “Does the name strike fear in your heart?”

“No, but that little hat does!” Pinkie pointed out, giggling.

Unfortunately for the group, Pinkie’s sense of humor did not sit well with the diminutive overlord.

“Knights, new plan!” Farquaad announced loudly. “The one who kills the ogre, and his companions, will be named champion! Have at them!”

On command, all the knights slowly stalked toward the stunned group who cautiously stepped back. The knights menacingly wielded a series of weapons to kill their foes. Swords, spears, axes, every medieval tool in the book. They found themselves backing toward the barrels, and Shrek reached for a pint of beer hoping to persuade the knights out of executing him.

“Can’t we just settle this over a pint?” Shrek asked hopefully.

Unfortunately, the request went unheeded. Seeing it wasn’t working, the ogre simply shrugged.

“No? Alright then!”

Shrek downed the mug of mead and raised it over the taper to unleash the rest of the liquid contained inside the barrel.

“C’mon!”

“WAAAAAAAAAIT!!!” Pinkie shouted.

<>

All of a sudden, the entire surrounding area (And the stunned looks of the heroes) seemed to freeze mid-scene. Pinkie leapt up and off the computer screen, her attention facing ahead.

“Come on Mr. Author, can you help us out?” She asked.

“Pinkie Pie, how’d you just leap off the screen?”

“Dude, it’s ‘Pinkie Pie’. She can literally do anything!”

“Thank you, other author,” Pinkie smiled. “Look, is there any way you guys can help us out with this?”

“Pinkie, we’ve been over this before. We ‘can’t’ interfere with the stories.”

“All we can do is tell them as they progress.”

“Okay, but is there any way that I can change the story?” Pinkie asked.

“What do you mean?”

Not even bothering to say another word, Pinkie Pie jumped straight onto the mouse scrolling it toward the top left corner. She back clicked a few times until she came upon a previous story called ‘Wrestlemania Mystery’. Then somehow, she magically leapt right back through the computer screen.

Next thing she knew, she’s back at the WWE training camp in WWE City. Looking toward her right, she noticed none other than Ronda Rousey sitting at the table . She raced over toward the ‘Baddest Woman on the Planet’.

“Hiya Ronda, it’s been a while!” She smiled.

Ronda looked up, surprised by the appearance of a small, pink talking pony.

“Who are you?” She asked confused.

“No time to explain,” Pinkie responded. “I need your help. All you need to do is what you already do best… kick butt!”

Pinkie then grabbed Ronda’s arm, then dragged her behind as she leapt off the computer screen again. Soon she transitioned back to the current story, leaping back into the scene. This left the two authors utterly confused, wondering ‘What just happened?’.

<>

Back in Duloc, Pinkie Pie and Ronda Rousey returned to the spot in the arena where time remained frozen, right before Shrek slammed against the tapper. Ronda looked around toward the frozen figures in the area, more confused than ever.

“What the heck is going on here?” She asked.

“No time for questions,” Pinkie responded. “Soon as everything starts up again, just come out fighting.”

Despite the immense confusion she was feeling, Ronda Rousey couldn’t deny her insatiable desire to fight. Shrugging it off and cracking her knuckles, Rousey was ready for a throwdown.

“I’ve never turned down a fight… and I’m not going to start now.”

That being said, the scene resumed as a familiar tune placed around them once more.

Shrek smashed the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him with the mug. Beer rushed out, knocking the knights down and turning the dirt-covered ground into mud. Shrek slid past the knights and used a spear like a hockey stick to knock one off his feet. Donkey and Fluttershy hopped onto one of the larger beer barrels, which broke free of its ropes and began to roll. Together, they managed to squish two knights into the mud and rolled over another group running after the others.

Shrek, along with the rest (Including Rousey) hopped over a set of ropes to what appeared to be a makeshift wrestling ring. Shrek used the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with a double clothesline. Despite the crowd booing at the display, our heroes kept fighting. Applejack jump-kicked one knight, while Rainbow Dash body slammed the other. One knight came from behind Shrek, spear at the ready, and the crowd gasped. But before he could make a move, Ronda Rousey caught him in a full-nelson hold.

“Hey, lady, tag me!” Donkey yelled. “Tag me!”

With a casual nod, Ronda dragged the knight toward Donkey, who leaned on the ropes and delivered a headbutt against the knight. Shrek climbed up the ropes and interacted with the crowd, who were starting to root for the group. The ogre stood atop the ropes, beckoning on the crowd’s cheers.

“Yeah!” Shrek called out.

“Shrek, look out!” Apple White shouted.

Shrek caught a knight sneaking up on him and jumped onto him.

“The chair!” Someone yelled from the stands. “Give him the chair!”

“Okay…” Raven replied casually.

Raven Queen took a folding chair and smacked the knight lying on the ground. Soon Shrek and crew dispatched a few moves against the knights with ease. Twilight and Rarity hurled a knight against the ropes, sending him back and they delivered a double jump-kick knocking him down. Spike lifted a racing knight and slammed him onto the floor with a backslam. Ronda caught one knight in her signature armlock, and the knight was screaming in pain tapping out like a baby. Rainbow Dash lifted one knight in a piledriver position. As she slammed his head toward the floor, Apple White slid her feet against his head further knocking him out cold.

Shrek lifted the last knight, spun him over his head and hurled him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey and Fluttershy kicked his helmet, one on each side, and a ‘DING!’ erupted signaling the end of the match. Before Farquaad’s eyes, all of his knights were down, and the audience actually went wild for these intruders. While he didn’t know ‘who’ let them in, stealing his thunder, a thought slowly dawned upon him as they celebrated.

“Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah!” Shrek posed. “Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!”

“And thank you, Ronda!” Pinkie shook Ronda’s hand, then zipped a portal open. “You better be going home; we’ll take this from here.”

“I still have no idea what’s going on… but I’ll leave you to… whatever’s going on here!” Ronda replied awkwardly, heading for the portal.

“Oh wait!” Pinkie called out.

Ronda froze as Pinkie approached and pulled out a sack of bits from her mane, placing it into her palm.

“Here… buy yourself something nice!”

“… Thanks?”

Ronda proceeded to take the sack and marched back through the portal, as Pinkie zipped it shut. While everyone else were celebrating, Rainbow Dash showboating for the crowd, Farquaad motioned the guards on the railing, who aimed their crossbows at the group. The crowd gasped and went silent, the others stopped laughing.

“Hey… that’s cheating!” Rainbow whined. “They can’t do that!”

“I do believe they can hon…” Applejack grimaced.

“Shall I give the order, sir?” One guard offered.

Farquaad stared at the group, pondering their fate for a moment. But something about this felt… perfect. Especially looking at the ogre, so big… so hulking… and wonderful expendable.

“No, I have a better idea,” Farquaad smiled sinisterly. “People of Duloc! I give you our champion!”

“What?!” The heroes gasped in unison.

They looked around with confusion, as the crowd cheered to the fanfare playing in the background.

“Congratulations, ogre,” Farquaad continued. “You’ve won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.”

“Uh, excuse us Mr. Farquaad sir,” Rarity spoke politely. “But we’re already on a quest.”

“A quest to get my swamp back!” Shrek added.

“Your swamp?” Farquaad smirked.

“Yeah, my swamp!” Shrek emphasized. “Where youdumped those fairytale creatures!”

“News flash, Ogre, that oozing mud pit is actually within the province of Duloc,” Farquaad corrected. “And therefore, under my jurisdiction.”

“Now look here, half-pint—” Rainbow threatened.

“Wait a minute! Wait a minute!” Farquaad raised his hands. “You’ve nearly accomplished it! I’ll make you a deal. All you need to do is one more simple little task: Go on this quest for me, and I’ll hand over the deed to your swamp.”

“Exactly the way it was?” Shrek raised his brow.

“Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.”

“And the fairytale creatures?” Apple White asked.

“As good as gone,” Farquaad smiled.

“By gone you mean… they won’t be ‘harmed’, right?” Raven clarified.

“No harm whatsoever… if you agree to the quest.”

Shrek glanced toward the soldiers still aiming their crossbows, then turned back to Farquaad.

“What kind of quest?” Shrek asked.

“When you say, ‘little task’, what exactly does that mean?” Twilight added.

“There’s just this… little ‘package’ that I need picked up,” Farquaad answered vaguely. “Oh, Miss Duloc!”

The performer with a Satch that reads ‘Miss Duloc’ entered with a wide smile, posing like a model.

“Fill them in and show them out!” Farquaad ordered.

As Miss Duloc casually lead the group out of the arena, past all the knights groaning in pain, Farquaad turned toward the crowd.

“My people, your queen is on her way!” Farquaad declared, as the performers came out.

As Farquaad marched away, belting into the shadowy darkness inside the castle, Cersei and Regina had witnessed the whole thing. From the glass of the Magic Mirror, they saw Farquaad task the heroes on this adventure to the point he addressed the ogre and his companions. But their main focus was upon Apple White and Raven Queen, yet finding they couldn’t figure out ‘why’ they’d travel amongst the company they were in.

“He really is a fruitcake,” Cersei muttered.

“Now those girls are in cahoots with a donkey, an ogre, a dragon, and ponies?” Regina asked in disbelief. “How did that happen?”

“It matters not,” Cersei replied coldly. “All that matters is that those girls won’t live to see another day.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Regina replied. “If the dragon doesn’t kill them, our giant red friend and our knights are waiting just ahead. They’ll make sure they ‘never’ reach the tower.”

Cersei merely rolled her eyes, scoffing at that. If truth be told, she didn’t trust her newfound companions any more than she could throw them.

“It won’t be enough,” She shook her head. “We need someone to spy on them. Someone to tell us their every move, every word, and every breath they take.”

“And who exactly do you propose is going to do that?” Regina asked skeptically.

Cersei turned back to her fellow evil Queen with a wicked smirk.

“My commanding general of course,” She replied simply.

With one snap of a finger, another figure entered the room. He was dressed from head-to-toe in red, black, and gold Lannister armor except for his head. The armored man had long dark hair and a bushy beard to match. His eyes were cold and calculating, staring blankly toward the Queens.

“This is the commander of my armies, General Venrys Baratheon,” Cersei introduced. “Second cousin of my late husband Robert, though he cared as much for that fat pig as I did.”

“Robert was a drunken fool who cared more about his wine and whores than he did about our kingdom,” Venrys spoke up. “Hence why I’ve pledged my loyalty to the one true ruling power of Westeros.”

“And he’s been a loyal advisor and general ever since,” Cersei concluded. “Now, I need you to act as my eyes and ears. You will follow our enemies wherever they go. Can you accomplish this task?”

“Of course, your grace,” Venrys bowed his head.

Regina just shook her head when an idea came to her head. Reaching behind her, she pulled out a smaller hand mirror and approaches Venrys.

“I suppose if you’re our eyes and ears, you’ll need to communicate with us,” She handed the mirror. “This is connected to my Magic Mirror. You’ll be able to communicate with us through this mirror as you follow the targets.

Venrys merely nodded his head and grabbed the mirror before placing it in his armor. He didn’t get very far when his Queen beckoned his attention.

“Remember General, I do not accept failure,” Cersei warned dangerously. “You know the penalty.”

Venrys merely gave a curt nod and proceeded to make his way from the area and off on his mission.

<>

As Duloc, and its citizens, vanished in the distance behind them, our heroes found themselves outside the boundaries of the castle grounds toward an unknown path to their quest.

“Well that was odd,” Spike remarked.

“Not as odd as you agreeing to go on this quest!” Donkey replied. “’Little task’ my hoof! ‘Rescue a princess’, ‘fight a dragon’… no offense, Spike… man, we got jacked!”

“We?!” Shrek turned around. “I don’t remember inviting ‘any’ of you on this leg of the journey.”

“And what do you know about rescuing princesses?!” Raven asked skeptically.

“I’ve read the stories.”

“And I’ve read the sports page,” Donkey snipped. “That don’t make me a hockey player!”

“Oh come on. Dragon… tower—how hard can it be?”

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Spike retorted. “What do we know about this Princess Fiona anyway?”

“According to her file,” Twilight read the report. “She apparently likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.”

“Well, she sounds fun,” Apple replied optimistically. “What else does it say?”

“She’s been locked in the tower since she was seven.”

“Ah, that’s sad,” Fluttershy sighed sadly. “All alone since she was seven years old… I can’t imagine what torture she’s been through.”

“I can’t imagine how they can keep her fed for that long,” Rainbow remarked.

“Rainbow!” Rarity scolded.

“Hey, I’m not the only one who thought that!”

“You guys are so weird,” Shrek muttered.

Soon enough, they were crossing through a sunflower field. As they walked along, they found themselves stomping over a garden and Shrek grabbed himself some vegetables for the road… specifically an onion which he munched on.

“So let me get this straight,” Pinkie spoke up. “We’re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue the princess, just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you don’t have ‘cuz he filled it with fairytale creatures in the first place. Is that about right?”

“That’s wut he said,” Applejack answered briefly.

“You know what, maybe there’s a good reason donkeys and ponies shouldn’t talk,” Shrek retorted.

“What does that make me?” Spike asked insulted. “Chopped liver?”

“Have you ever gone through a whole day without talking?” Pinkie asked rhetorically. “It’s boring! Don’t you know what it feels like to not talk all the time?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” Spike answered, munching an onion.

“I don’t get it, Shrek,” Donkey spoke up. “Why didn’t you just make Farquaad give you your swamp back? Pull some of that ogre stuff on him? You know, throttle him lay siege to his fortress? Grind his bones to make your bread, you know, the whole ogre trip?”

“Yeah, why not do any of that?” Rainbow asked. “That would save us all the trouble.”

“Oh, I know what,” Shrek answered sarcastically. “Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen, and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?”

“Ah… no, not really, no,” Donkey shook his head.

“Forget I asked that,” Rainbow spoke sheepishly.

“For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think,” Shrek continued.

“Example?” Twilight asked curiously.

As Shrek searched for an example, he noticed the vegetables he’s still carrying.

“Example? Okay… um…” Shrek pondered, holding out an onion. “Ogres are like onions.”

“They stink?” Spike sniffed.

“Yes—no!”

“Oh, they make you cry?” Pinkie asked.

“No!”

“Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs?” Donkey guessed.

“NO! Layers!” Shrek answered. “Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers—you get it?! We both have layers.”

Shrek threw the onion on the ground at their feet, walking off in a huff.

“Ohhh, you both have layers,” Donkey and Pinkie spoke in unison.

“I never would’ve guessed…” Raven answered in monotone.

Donkey took one sniff of the chewed onion and cringed.

“You know, not everybody like onions.”

“I can hardly imagine anyone that does,” Rarity agreed.

“CAKE!” Donkey called out. “Everybody loves cakes!”

“Yeah, like me!” Pinkie smiled. “Cakes have layers!”

“I don’t care… what everyone likes,” Shrek muttered. “Ogres—are not—like cakes!”

“Parfaits!” Pinkie spoke up. “Everyone likes parfait, andthey have layers too!”

“Have you ever met a person and you say, ‘Hey, let’s get some parfaits’, and they say, ‘Hell no, I don’t like no parfaits’,” Donkey reiterated. “Parfaits are delicious.”

“NO! YOU DENSE IRRITATING MINAUTRE BEAST OF BURDEN!” Shrek snapped, losing his temper. “Ogres are not like cakes or parfaits! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later!”

Shrek walked off leaving Donkey and the others speechless… but only momentarily.

“Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet,” Donkey broke the silence.

“I had some once,” Fluttershy spoke sweetly. “They are tasty.”

“You know, I think I preferred your humming,” Shrek spoke sarcastically.

“Do any of you have a tissue or something?” Donkey requested.

“Why?” Rarity asked curiously.

“I’m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobberin’.”

Everyone cringed in disgust as they continued on through the fields just as the sun was beginning to set. They were all so preoccupied with their task ahead, none of them took notice of the figure in Lannister armor watching them through a spy glass from a nearby hill.

Dragon’s Keep

Dark and decrepit… two words that best described the halls of the Dragon’s Keep. The entirety of the interior was in complete ruin. Hence why the entire group felt an extreme case of hesitancy. One misstep could mean the difference between life and death, especially in a place such as this. The majority of the group warily walked with caution, while Donkey was downright terrified. With only the occasional torch lighting the way in the darkness, they could see that all the passages were littered with bones, armor, and weapons. If they were to guess, these were presumably the remains of many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess… and failed.

“Why is it that many of our adventures have us investigating some dark castle or some spooky land?” Spike whispered.

“Come on dude, we haven’t done that much,” Rainbow whispered back.

It was then Pinkie Pie bounced right up alongside them.

“Actually, Spike has a point,” Pinkie agreed. “There was the Castle of the Two Sisters, the Spooky Island Castle, the Phantom’s Lair, the Land of the Dead…”

“Okay Pinkie, we get it!” Rainbow replied, rolling her eyes.

“Will y’all keep yer voices down?!” Applejack scolded quietly. “We don’t need tah make it no easier fer that there Dragon tah find us.”

“Why can’t Spike just talk to the dragon?” Pinkie whispered, with a smile. “Maybe if he asks nicely, the dragon will release the princess and we won’t have to fight.”

“First of all, we’re not in Equestria,” Spike pointed out. “This is a whole other universe, and I doubt this dragon will understand me. Second, you think if I could convince a full grown dragon to do anything Garble would still be doing beat poetry?”

“I thought you liked his poetry.”

“Yeah… when he’s not doing it for six hours straight!”

“Um guys, not that I’m all that curious, but…” Fluttershy whispered timidly. “How would we even know the dragon is close?”

“Well… I do recall this one trick Smolder taught me while visiting the Dragon Lands,” Spike recalled. “It gets her brother every time. Now let me see if I remember it…”

Spike proceeded to massage his claws together and took a deep breath, while the others watched anxiously. Then, after an exhale, he opened his eyes and positioned his claws over his mouth…

“If you’re a dragon and you know it, clap your claws!!!”

Spike quickly raised a single claw, a gesture for every pony to be quiet as Spike waited. The air was deathly still, not another sound was heard. The group dared not move, their eyes darting about praying the dragon doesn’t respond. But not a single response was heard.

“Oh good…” Spike sighed with relief. “I would’ve wet myself if that actually worked…”

The group shook their heads and rolled their eyes as they pressed on, keeping a sharp eye out for a sheer sign of a dragon.

“So… our quest is to rescue a princess locked up in a tower?” Raven pointed out. “Doesn’t sound so hard.”

“We don’t know what dangers lie ahead of us, Raven,” Apple said cautiously. “We must be very careful.”

“Well, I’m ready for any danger waiting for us!” Pinkie spoke excitedly, posing dramatically. “Wherever there’s danger, there are brave knights battling all sorts of evil. Dragons, monsters, werewolves, mummies, and especially… ogres!”

Shrek stopped walking and slowly turned toward Pinkie Pie, angrily.

“Pinkie, I’m the ogre around here, remember?” He asked irritated.

“Oh yeah… I kind of forgot.”

Shrek groaned, shaking his head as he kept walking along the floor.

“Shrek’s always being himself,” Spike crossed his arms.

“Never mind that now,” Twilight brushed it off. “We must save the princess. Then once we bring her back to the castle, we must stop Tirek before he causes any more trouble.”

Hearing the pony princess mention the name, Donkey turned toward her curiously.

“Uh, I hope you don’t mind if I ask you something, but… who’s Tirek?” Donkey asked.

“Trust me Donkey, you don’t wanna know,” Rainbow responded, flying beside him.

“Why not?”

“Take our word, Donkey darling, he’s nothing but a big angry red centaur who drained all our magic back in Equestria when we first encountered him,” She explained shuddering. “I’ll never forget that day.”

“Me neither,” Fluttershy replied softly. “Seems like only yesterday when Tirek tricked Discord into working for him.”

“That Tirek doesn’t sound very nice at all,” Donkey spoke.

Shrek again stopped walking so he could turn back toward the Mane Six, Spike, and Donkey. Based on the way he eyed the group; he couldn’t believe a word they said.

“Centaurs aren’t real,” Shrek spoke skeptically. “They only appear in myths.”

“Oh Tirek ain’t no myth, Shrek,” Applejack spoke seriously. “He’s real and believe me, we dealt with him plenty before back in Equestria.”

“And he did way more than just draining magic,” Spike added. “One time, Tirek teamed with Chrysalis and Cozy Glow to make all the pony races turn against each other so they could take over our land. And for a moment… it nearly worked.”

“Once you encounter Tirek, you’ll see for yourself,” Rainbow nodded. “There’s no redeeming quality in that big jerk; he’s nothing but a monster.”

“Say no more, everypony,” Twilight interrupted. “We’ve got a princess to save.”

She proceeded to walk ahead while the rest of the Mane Six, including Spike, Apple, Raven, and Donkey followed behind. Shrek merely shook his head, still refusing to believe a word they said.

“Little ponies…” Shrek groaned in annoyance.

He then continued walking to follow the Mane Six, Spike and Donkey. As they pressed on, Donkey slowly grew more afraid the deeper into the keep they went.

“You afraid?” Donkey whispered to Shrek.

“No…” Shrek replied.

“But…”

“SHHHHHH!” Shrek hushed loudly.

“Oh good, me neither.”

When Donkey realized that the rest of the group started to get a bit ahead of him, he gasped in fear and quickly raced to catch up. He walked alongside Fluttershy, who much like him showed fear in her face.

“I know I stood up to a dragon back in Equestria, so you’d think I’d be more brave,” Fluttershy whispered fearfully. “But who knows how scary a full grown dragon is here?”

“I hear ya Fluttershy,” Donkey agreed. “Cause there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might ad. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward if you’re a little scared. I sure as heck ain’t no coward. I know that.”

Donkey suddenly crashed into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet landed on Donkey’s head. Donkey and Fluttershy watched as the skeleton head fell off, and they gasped in fear. The sudden noise made everyone else, minus Shrek, jump back a tad.

“Sweet Celestia darling, are you trying to give us all heart attacks?” Rarity whispered angrily.

“Donkey, two things, okay?” Shrek spoke agitated. “Shut… Up.”

“Sorry…” Fluttershy whimpered.

“Oh hey, this’ll come in handy,” Rainbow replied, taking a helmet off the ground. “Hope it’s fire-proof.”

“Sure, the helmet is,” Applejack remarked. “Can’t say the same about its previous owner.”

“Alright, now go over there and see if you can find any stairs,” Shrek instructed Donkey, grabbing the helmet on his head. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Stairs?” Donkey questioned. “I thought we was lookin’ for the princess.”

“The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower,” Shrek responded, collecting and putting on pieces of armor.

“Actually Donkey, Shrek does have a fairy valid point,” Apple spoke up. “In every fairytale in our homeland, princesses are usually kept in high towers.”

“That’s right,” Raven nodded. “So we need to get to the highest level possible and the only way is by climbing the stairs.”

“What makes you think she’ll be there?” Donkey retorted.

“I read it in a book once,” Shrek concluded.

Shrek placed the rest of the armor on himself and positioned the face guard of the helmet. He then turned toward the ponies and the two princesses.

“So… who’s going with Donkey or sticking with me?” He asked them.

“Are you nuts?!” Rarity gasped in horror. “Have you ever lived through a horror movie? Never split up in a creepy old castle!”

Just as Twilight was about to respond, she noticed something from the corner of her eye. Two individuals, a Lannister Knight and a Black Knight, moving toward what appeared to be the dungeons. She remembered the knights back when Tirek lead them to Ponyville, to distract the heroes while he traveled to this world. One thing was certain: If the knights were around, Tirek was close by.

“Actually… I think we should investigate this way,” Twilight pointed.

“Why?” Shrek questioned.

“Yeah… why?” Spike agreed.

“I just feel we can cover more ground this way,” Twilight responded. “There’s plenty of castle to look through and we can’t be too sure what’s waiting for us. If we all split up, we’ll be able to accomplish more.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes toward her friend, already having a feeling she was lying. Nevertheless, since it was coming from Twilight, there was a reason behind it. Shrek, meanwhile, just shrugged it off.

“Whatever,” He shrugged. “I’ll go this way, you all go that way, and Donkey can go looking for the stairs.”

“Wait?! You mean by myself?!” Donkey cringed.

“Unless you’d rather come slay the dragon and rescue the princess?”

“Uhhh… no, I’m cool,” Donkey nodded. “You handle the dragon; I’ll handle the stairs. Stairs is fine. I’ll find those stairs. I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won’t know which way they’re goin’.”

“Just don’t get into any trouble!” Rainbow called out.

“What kind of trouble can I get into?” Donkey scoffed. “I’m just lookin’ for stairs. Have a little faith.”

With that said, Donkey walked off in the other direction while Shrek made his way further into the keep. Meanwhile, Twilight quickly made her way toward the direction the knights had gone while all her friends, including Raven and Apple, quickly ran to catch up to her.

“What’s goin’ on Twi?” Applejack asked. “What’s got us headin’ this way fer?”

“I saw two knights heading in this direction,” Twilight responded. “My guess is if we follow them, they’ll lead us to Tirek.”

“Wait a minute, you saw knights?” Raven questioned. “What kind?”

“The same ones Tirek used as a distraction back in our world just to come here,” Twilight responded. “One was wearing dark leather-like armor and the other wore red-and-gold armor.”

This stopped Apple and Raven in their tracks as they skidded to a stop, causing every pony else to stop as well.

“Did you say… red-and-gold armor?” Raven asked.

“Yeah, why?” Twilight raised her brow.

“Because that’s the armor the people who attacked our home were wearing!” Apple responded.

“How is that even possible?” Raven asked. “We don’t even know a thing about these knights we’re chasing and we’ve all had altercations with them.”

“Can we figure that out after we catch up with them?” Rainbow asked urgently. “I’ve been itching to beat the Tartarus out of Tirek all day!”

Everyone looked amongst themselves for a moment or two, then quickly proceeded in an effort to catch up with the knights. Whatever questions they had about the entire scenario, all of it had to wait for now. Finding Tirek… that was their priority.

<>

Meanwhile, Donkey kept talking to himself as he pushed his way through a giant set of doors in his ongoing search for stairs.

“I’m gonna take drastic steps,” Donkey spoke to himself. “Kick it to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m the stair master. I’ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I’d step all over it.”

Little did Donkey know, behind a broken wall, a giant eye opened and spotted the unsuspecting intruder.

<>

Up in the tower, much like every day, Princess Fiona was in the midst of singing her song of hope, though this time with a tambourine…

Fiona (Sings):
I know it’s today… oo-oo-oo-oo…
I know it’s today… oo-oo-oo-oo…
I know it’s today… oo-oo-oo-oo…

“Helloooo!! Anyone up there?!”

Fiona stopped mid-song, her tambourine falling out of her hand. Slowly, she turned around toward the window, took a peek outside… and her eyes widened with shock. She could feel a panic building up as thoughts raced in her head. ‘Is this really it? After all these years?’ she thought. Without a moment’s pause, she raced around her room trying to straighten everything before her savior arrived.

“Shouldn’t you toss down some hair or something?” The voice shouted.

<>

Elsewhere, Shrek was exploring the grounds when he spotted the light in the window of a tower.

“Well, at least we know where the princess is,” Shrek told himself. “But where’s the…”

<>

“DRAGON!!!”

Donkey’s scream echoed as he took off running, narrowly dodging the fiery breath… of the dragon! The beast pursued Donkey, stomping along a pile of knight remains in its way. Shrek turned around just as Donkey barreled toward him, the dragon close behind. With the target in sight, the beast took a deep breath and fired a stream of flame toward them.

“Donkey, look out!” Shrek shouted.

Shrek managed to push Donkey out of the way, barely dodging the Dragon’s fireball. Donkey dropped to the floor to avoid another blast, which managed to singed the tuft of his tail. The dragon toward over the whimpering Donkey, ready to feast upon his flesh… when it felt something grab its tail. The beast turned around just as Shrek grabbed hold of it.

“Got ya!” Shrek called out.

With the dragon distracted, Donkey raced away to safety. In the meantime, the dragon swung its tail back and forth while Shrek tried to hang on. Finally, after one swing, the dragon launched the ogre into the air. He screamed in midair, flying overhead until he crashed through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona’s room, where the princess laid in her bed and looked at his unconscious form.

With one threat disposed of, the Dragon focused its attention on Donkey. It breathed fire toward him, forcing him out of hiding and onto a stone bridge. The dragon proceeded to knock down various portions of the bridge until Donkey was left with only one lone pillar to stand on. Trapped, defenseless, and scared beyond words, Donkey could only stand still and look up as the Dragon towered over the tiny mule and growled as he desperately tried to find a way out of this mess.

“No. Oh, no, No!” Donkey whimpered shakily.

The dragon roared, ready to consume Donkey in a single gulp.

“Wait a minute!”

The dragon paused, looking at him inquisitively. It was then Donkey realized that if he was to avoid being the key ingredient of ‘Donkey Pot Pie’, he was going to flatter his way out. He proceeded to nervously tap his hooves on the pillar, as ukelele music could be heard in the background.

Donkey (Sings):
My, what big teeth you have
They’re so sparkling white.
I bet you hear this from all of your food,
But you must bleach at night.
Is that a hint of minty freshness?
Oh, I am scared to death.
I like a dragon with a dazzlin’ smile,
And Tic-Tac on your breath.
Oh, whoa, whoa,
Don’t kill me.. Dragon with the pretty teeth?

For a moment the Dragon seemed to smile, perhaps appeared flattered by the Donkey’s compliments. Course, by this point, Donkey was starting to run out of lyrics.

“And you know what else? You know what else?” Donkey spoke quickly. “You’re—you’re—”

All of a sudden, the dragon leaned forward and gazed at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes, lipstick on its mouth, and a lighter pink shade of scales. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey.

“—a girl dragon!” Donkey realized. “Oh, sure! I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon. You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.”

The dragon fluttered her eyes at him, touched by the little creature’s sweet words. Only Donkey hadn’t entirely put it together.

“What’s the matter with you?” Donkey asked curiously. “You got something in your eye?”

Dragon blew a heart-shaped smoke ring toward Donkey, who coughed a bit as it dawned on him.

“Ohh… oh… oh… man, I’d really love to stay, but you know, I’m, uh… I’m an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d work out if you’re gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. SHREK!!!”

Dragon picked him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carried him off. It was on this day that Dragon knew exactly how she was going to spend her day. After many lonely years guarding the princess and extinguishing every intrusive knight that stepped onto her turf, at long last she found someone to love… take hold of… velvet glove him…

Velvet glove him…?

Finally, this Dragon would sweep this little Donkey up into the sky, to keep for her very own. To squeeze him, tease him, please him, and have herself a big ol’ honkin’ sloppy, gloppy cherry on the toppy piece of donkey pot pie.

“No! Shrek!” Donkey cried out. “Twilight! Spike! ANYONE!!!”

<>

While this went on, the Equestrians, along with Apple and Raven, followed the Black Knight and the Lannister Knight deep down the depths of the dungeons. Like the rest of the castle, the walls and ceiling were crumbling in disarray making it rather difficult to navigate. However, they were determined to catch up with the knights, the pair seemingly unaware they were followed. The whole time, they’d been conversing amongst themselves.

“I don’t understand why we need them,” The Black Knight spoke confused. “We should slit their throats and be done with them.”

“You want to be the one to tell the Queens you disregarded their orders?” The Lannister Knight asked. “We’re to keep them alive so long as the Queens deem necessary.”

“Well, I still don’t like it—”

Eventually, the two knights came to a halt upon a large stone wall with a single torch protruding from the wall. The girls and Spike hid themselves as they watched one knight pull down on the torch and a large section of the wall slid away revealing a secret passage. The two knights walked through as the passageway quickly sealed behind them.

When the coast was clear, the Equestrians and two princesses quickly raced over to the wall.

“Where do you think that passage leads to?” Fluttershy asked nervously.

“With our luck… trouble,” Spike answered.

“Let’s not keep it waiting,” Rainbow said determined.

She floated up and was about to pull down the torch when Applejack yanked her back to the ground by her tail.

“Hold up there, hun,” Applejack interrupted. “We can’t go burstin’ in there without a plan.”

“Applejack’s right,” Rarity agreed. “Who knows how many knights are in there? Not to mention Tirek could drain us of our magic at any time.”

“And it’s not like big meanie pants has a surprise party waiting for us,” Pinkie pouted. “Or even the entire cast of ‘Centaur World’… though Tirek in Centaur World… that would make for an interesting fanfic.”

“Any ideas, Twi?” Rainbow groaned.

“Hmm… I think it’s time to use that invisibility spell Celestia and Professor Dumbledore taught me,” Twilight suggested.

“I thought you said it only worked so muggles couldn’t see us,” Spike shot back.

“Well, from the looks of those guards, I highly doubt any of them are magical anyway,” Twilight pointed out. “At least if we use the spell, we can take some of them out and weaken their ranks. That way, Tirek has no one to guard him and we can all work together to take him out.”

The remainder of the group pondered for a moment until they all nodded in agreement. If they could at least remove the knights, it would help thin out the opposition. Twilight proceeded to charge her horn and just when she was about to cast the invisibility spell…

“Guys, watch out!” Raven yelled.

The next thing any of the ponies or Spike knew, a large iron net fell on top of them and trapped them. Based on past experiences, they could tell immediately it was the special metal that counteracted their abilities, making it nearly impossible to escape.

“OH, COME ON!!!” Rainbow yelled. “AGAIN?!”

“How does this keep happening to us?!” Spike shouted loudly.

“I blame this all on the lazy writing,” Pinkie answered.

Suddenly, a wicked laughter caused the entire group to turn their heads as none other than Tirek himself emerged from behind a corner. Behind him was a whole garrison of knights, all either drawing swords or aiming their crossbows directly at the entire group.

“Well, well, well… you pathetic little ponies really are predictable,” Tirek spoke mockingly. “Instead of following that stupid donkey or that lumbering green oaf, you just can’t help but come looking for me. You’d realize now that sort of thinking spells your doom ‘every’ time.”

He turned his attention toward the two teenage princess, who looked shocked over what was happening around them.

“And if I’m not mistaken, you’re the brats who somehow managed to escape the destruction that burned your world to ashes,” Tirek smirked. “My two new colleagues aren’t particularly happy you managed to escape them.”

“H-H-How did you…” Apple stuttered.

“Perhaps my new associate can explain,” Tirek gestured beside him.

From behind the centaur and the knights, none other than Venrys Baratheon stepped out. He laughed at the mere sight before him.

(Click the link)

https://m.youtube.com/shorts/zt-rRkbi-zw

“Thought you could run, did you?” He laughed. “When my Queen sets her sights on a target, or two in this case, there’s nowhere to hide.”

Raven growled in anger, remember Venrys from the night of the Red Thronecoming. How he stabbed Headmaster Grimm in the back, ordering all the guards to cut down all their friends one-by-one. As her anger grew, she could feel the magic coursing through her veins.

“You… you did this!” She seethed, through gritted teeth. “You murdered our friends and destroyed our home! I promised myself that if I ever saw you again, I’d destroy you for what you did to my life!”

By this point, her magic actually morphed around her as it made her hair burn purple and her eyes glowed brightly. This, however, just made Venrys chuckle more.

“If I were you little girl, I’d ease that temper if you saw what I’ve got hidden away.”

Hearing this, Apple’s eyes went wide. Quickly, she jumped in front of her best friend trying to calm her down.

“Look at me Raven, look at me,” She spoke calmly. “Take a deep breath and calm down.”

Raven wanted nothing more than to blast this creep and all who pledged to stand beside him. But staring into the cool blue eyes of her friend, somehow it managed to relax her a bit. Apple turned back to face Venrys.

“What do you mean ‘hidden away’?” She asked calmly.

“Pull the torch and find out,” Venrys suggested.

Apple, having no idea what to make of his suggestion, nonetheless slowly walked over and pulled the torch to open the hidden passageway. When the wall slide aside, the Equestrians, and especially Apple and Raven, gasped at the very sight toward the other side.

Inside stood another garrison of guards in the middle of what looked like a torture chamber. In the center were four wooden posts with four individuals tied to them with burlap sacks over their heads. The guards inside removed each burlap sack from each individual, one by one, revealing four individuals Apple and Raven presumed to be dead.

Briar Beauty, Madeline Hatter, Ashlynn Ella, and Cerise Hood.

“Apple?” Madeline spoke weakly. “Raven?”

“Maddie?!” Apple and Raven gasped.

“Didn’t see that one comin’,” Applejack admitted.

Princess Fiona

Author's Note

Before we begin, I want to address the way those from Ever After High speak when they say things like ‘hexcellent’ or ‘fairy fail’. These aren’t typos, this is actually the way they speak so don’t think I typed the word wrong.

Princess Fiona

Confusion and worry ran rampant through the minds of Apple White and Raven Queen, as the two teens stared toward the restrained forms of their friends, whom they assumed were all dead. After the events of the Red Thronecoming, they never thought any of their friends actually survived as the two were on the run from all those knights. And yet, here they were, chained up to four posts right before their very eyes surrounded by Lannister Knights and the Black Knights. Venrys Baratheon walked past the girls and into the very room till he stood beside Lord Tirek.

“What’s the matter ladies?” Tirek asked mockingly. “Lost for words? No witty remarks? Aw… what a shame.”

“H-H-How?” Apple stumbled breathlessly.

“Well, I’m glad you asked,” Venrys chuckled. “You see, it was very tempting to kill them all, as we had with all their other friends. However, once I found out what you’ve taken, it became necessary to keep them alive as… leverage.”

Both Raven and Apple looked at each other, having no idea what the man was talking about.

“What do you mean ‘what we took’?” Raven asked. “We’ve taken nothing from any of you; we never did anything to you. You… attacked… us!”

Off to the side, the Mane Six and Spike struggled to free themselves of the iron net holding them down with boulders. However, without their abilities, this proved rather difficult.

“How are we getting out of this?” Rainbow questioned urgently.

“If I could, I’d use my dragon fire to melt a hole right through this stuff,” Spike groaned.

“Without my magic, I can’t do anything for us… or them,” Twilight gestured to Apple and Raven.

“Nor can I,” Rarity added.

“Daggumit!” Applejack groaned.

Applejack gave an exceptionally hard kick in frustration at one of the boulders, which in turn chipped off a huge chunk of rock. She stared at the rock for a moment when an idea came to her head.

“Hey y’all, looks like this boulders mighta cracked some when they hit the ground,” She whispered to the group. “We kick ‘em hard enough, we might just break ‘em.”

“Ooh… that might just work!” Pinkie smiled. “Back on the rock farm, I used to help Maud break boulders all the time. Of course, Maud was the stronger one. She did most of the breaking while I loaded them on the carts.”

“But what if I chip a hoof?” Rarity complained.

“Seriously Rarity!” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Just once… just this once… forget your vanity!”

“You sure this will work?” Fluttershy asked.

“Only one way tah find out,” Applejack replied.

The Mane Six and Spike proceeded to buck away at the boulders, trying to break them apart. While this went on, Apple White and Raven Queen were still dealing with Venrys.

“Don’t you remember?” Venrys asked. “While you two snuck away from my knights, rather cowardly mind you, you managed to pick something off one of them. Something rather important they were bringing to me.”

Venrys drew a very sharp dagger from a holster at his side and approached a restrained Ashlynn Ella, grabbing a handful of her hair. The girl gasped in pain as Venrys positioned the knife along her throat.

“No!” Apple cried. “Please don’t hurt her. Whatever you think we took from you, I’m truly fairy sorry. If I knew what it was, we’d give it back to you. I swear!”

Tirek then turned toward Raven.

“Perhaps… you should tell her that,” Tirek grinned.

Apple turned toward Raven, a hint of confusion on her face.

“Raven, what is he talking about?”

But Raven gave no response. She just eyed Venrys with a death glare, as he held the blade to Ashlynn’s throat. Raven wanted so much to use her magic to crush him like a bug, but she swore to herself long ago that she would never allow herself to go dark again. Instead, she reached around her dress before pulling something out of one of her pockets… which happened to be a golden key.

Raven held the key out and Venrys laughed as he dropped the dagger from Ashlynn’s throat. He strode over and snatched the key from Raven’s grasp.

“Now was that so hard?” Venrys chuckled.

“Goes with your black heart!” Raven growled.

“Sticks and stones, sweetheart. Boys… kill them all.”

“No!” Raven yelled. “I won’t let you…”

She never got the chance to finish her sentence as a knight shot a crossbow bolt straight into her abdomen. She fell back onto the floor, screaming in pain.

“RAVEN!!!” Apple White screamed.

She quickly raced to the dark princesses’ side and held her in her arms as the Lannisters and Black Knights drew their blades and advanced upon them and their friends. All of a sudden, a few were hurled back by a few blasts of magic. Tirek and Venrys looked over to see the Mane Six and Spike freed from their net, ready to fight.

“Back away from them now!” Twilight ordered angrily. “You may have more men than we do, but we have one thing that always prevails in the end: the power of friendship!”

“Aww yeah, time to bust the baddies!” Rainbow smirked, cracking her hooves.

And just like that, all hell broke loose. The Mane Six and Spike jumped in and started battling with the Lannister and Black Knights. Rarity blasted a few of them back against the wall with a powerful brush of her magic.

“You ruffians are truly barbaric!” She yelled.

Rainbow Dash flew at top speed around the room as she delivered a series of lightning kicks and punches to every knight in her path.

“I’ll pound you jerks so hard; it’ll make your grandkids dizzy!” She yelled between hits.

A few knight swung swords toward Applejack, but she expertly dodged and delivered a series of hard bucks that dented their armor so hard she swore she could hear ribs crack. Spike held off a few guards as he dodged crossbow bolts or burned them with his dragon fire in mid-air.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy snuck through all the action toward the girls tied to their posts. She proceeded to use her teeth to pull their restraints to free them.

“W-W-Who are y-you?” Briar croaked weakly.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you,” Fluttershy assured her. “My name is Fluttershy; I’m here to save you.”

“Flutters, incoming!” Rainbow yelled.

Fluttershy turned just in time to spot a sword swinging at her and she managed to duck just in time. Soon as she got up, her face was no longer filled with worry. But rather, it was filled with an emotion she rarely felt… anger.

“How dare you… how DARE you threaten innocent teenagers?!” She yelled angrily. “You make me so angry! And you know what you deserve? I’m giving you… the stare!”

She proceeded to stare straight into the knight’s eyes, her ‘stare’ so powerful it bore right into his soul. The guard found himself frozen in fear before he screamed out and fell to the floor in a fetal position.

“Mom… mommy… please… please, don’t send me away!” The guard cried. “I want to stay on the farm; please don’t let them take me! I don’t want to go! Don’t let them take me! Please mom, PLEASE!!!”

Once the knight was done, Fluttershy continued her work freeing the others and before long, they were all free. That said, however, the girls were extremely weak and yet they managed to make their way toward Apple and Raven.

“Raven…” Briar spoke worriedly. “Is she alright?”

“I’m not sure,” Apple responded. “I was able to remove the bolt, but she’s still bleeding.”

“We need to apply pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding,” Ashlynn instructed urgently.

Ashlynn tore a piece of her skirt and placed it over the wound, doing her best to apply pressure to the wound. Meanwhile, Tirek stood alongside Venrys as together they watched the carnage unfold before them.

“I think it’s time we get our hands dirty,” Tirek suggested. “I’ve been itching for another shot at those pitiful ponies for a long time now.”

“And you do just that,” Venrys responded. “I’ve other matters to attend to.”

“What’re you talking about?” Tirek asked, confused.

“My Queens instructed me to recover the key and report to them my findings,” Venrys told him. “As far as I’m concerned, my job is over. I leave the heavy lifting to the expendable… or in this case, a big dumb brute who’s no more than a shell of his former self.”

With one last laugh, Venrys bolted from the room much to the chagrin and outrage of Lord Tirek.

“You… COWARD!!!” Tirek yelled after him.

Just then, Tirek was blasted smack-dab into a wall. The moment he got up, he stared angrily toward Twilight Sparkle, whose horn glowed brightly with her magic.

“Seems your new companion left you on clean up duty, Tirek,” Twilight mocked.

“Works for me!” Tirek growled. “Because now, after all these years, I’m going to do to you ponies exactly what I should’ve done in the first place!”

“Corrupting our forms with the power of the Rainbow of Darkness, transform us into Stratodons, and force us to pull your chariot as you fly over Equestria?” Pinkie Pie guessed.

“What… no!” Tirek shook his head. “I’ll burn your entire manes to ashes, then smash your faces with an iron fist!”

“Oh my…” Fluttershy gasped.

“No, not like that! Urgh… I’ll shove a nail right through your feet, then slit your horns off with an axe! But first, when I wipe the floor with you, Twilight Sparkle, and all your friends are gone, I’m going to pluck off every one of your little feathers… one at a time!”

He proceeded to charge his own magic and fired a blast toward Twilight, who proceeded to send a blast of her own toward him. Their magic collided and fought for dominance, as chaos continued all around them. All of a sudden, a strong wind swept through the chamber and snuffed out every single torch in the room. The entire area was blanketed in darkness as a cloud formed, sending a cold chill through everyone in the room. For whatever was causing this, it certainly wasn’t anything good.

At the entrance of the chamber, a bright light shined upon everyone as they turned to look. From the light emerged a shadowy figure, with a long handlebar mustache, a trench coat, and top hat. The figure itself, Uncle Howdy by name, stood staring toward the frozen faces of all the shocked individuals, heroes and villains. He then brought one hand up, gave one simple tip of the hat, and the whole room filled with smoke.

“What trickery is this?” Tirek questioned. “If this is some kind of… joke… it’s—it’s not…”

Tirek found his sentences muddled as his head started to spin and his vision grew foggy. Eventually, he fell to the ground passed out. Not long after, all the other knights in the room followed suit, slipping into unconsciousness one-by-one. The only ones still conscious were the Equestrians and the Ever After group. They stared wide-eyed as the shadowy figure stood over them.

“Who killed the world?” Uncle Howdy asked cryptically.

He slowly turned his head until his gaze landed right toward Madeline Hatter.

“Why, you did…”

Uncle Howdy burst out into insane laughter as the light faded to black. Soon, all the torches lit up once more and the man in the shadows was no more. Tirek, along with all the knights, remained unconscious as the others slowly turned toward each other.

“What just happened?” Spike asked, confused.

<>

“Man, I should’ve worn my cup…”

Shrek groaned as he slowly picked himself off the floor, brushing debris off himself. His back was toward Princess Fiona, who laid upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she was ecstatic to see her knight in shining armor. She straightened her dress, laid back down, and then quickly reached over for a bouquet of flowers off the side table. She laid back down, pretending to be asleep, as she clutched the bouquet to her breast. Eventually, Shrek turned and took note of the princess lying on the bed, her eyes closed

“Aw great, I got one of the snoozers…” He thought.

Shrek walked across the room over to her, approaching the bed with the visor lowered. He bent down over Fiona, who puckered her lips slightly. Shrek bent over her… took her by the shoulders… and forcefully shook her.

“Wake up!” He said forcibly.

“Uh—uh—uh! WHAT?!” Fiona asked, irritated.

“Are you Princess Fiona?”

“I am,” Fiona nodded with a smile. “Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.”

“Ah, that’s nice,” Shrek said sarcastically. “Now let’s go!”

Shrek turned to leave when Fiona quickly sat upright.

“But wait, Sir Knight!” She called out. “I have long awaited this day! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?”

She tossed the bouquet and laid back down, swooning dramatically with flourish.

“Yeah, sorry, lady,” Shrek responded. “There’s no time. So where’s the door?”

“Oh, the door won’t work,” Fiona pointed out. “It’s locked from the outside.”

“Then how do we get out of here?”

“Why, the same way you got up?”

“The same way I--?!” Shrek gasped, groaning. “Oh, come on! I just--! Aw geez, I’m like a crackpot magnet. Alright then, let me think.”

But as if Shrek didn’t have enough on his plate, Princess Fiona proceeded to break out in song.

Fiona (Sings):
This is how a dream comes true.
This is how I pictured you—
Climbing in to rescue me.
This was always meant to be.

“Oh, that’s lovely,” Shrek replied, heading for the door. “Now let’s go.”

But Shrek didn’t get very far when Fiona pulled him back into the ‘spotlight’.

Fiona (Sings):
This is how the scene must go
You standing…
(Moves him an inch to the right)
… There—the light, just so.
Then you smile and gaze at me,
Take my hand on bended knee.
(Beat—repeats)
… Bended knee.
(Grits teeth)
… Bended knee.
(Pushes him down, she’s strong)

“Ow!” Shrek groaned.

“Sorry,” Fiona smiled sharply.

Fiona (Sings):
And though we’ve only met, somehow I always knew
It would look like this when dreams come true!

“SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!” A voice shouted.

“And… that’s our cue to leave,” Shrek declared.

Shrek walked back, yanking Fiona’s arm, and hauled her toward the door.

“Hey, wait. What are you doing?!” She asked confused. “You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.”

But Shrek was barely paying attention. He yanked hard on the door handle, only for it to snap off. Just as Fiona said, it seemed the door was stuck in place. And yet, this hadn’t stopped him yet.

“You’ve had a lot of time to plan this, haven’t you?” He asked her.

“Mm-hmm,” Fiona nodded.

Fiona screamed as Shrek suddenly smashed the barred door down with his shoulder, while still holding onto her arm. He rushed down the tower’s staircase with Fiona in tow, grabbing a torch along the way. Leading her out of the tower, and they race through the Dragon’s keep.

“But we have to savor this moment!” Fiona complained mid-run. “You could recite an epic poem for me.”

At some point, Shrek and Fiona crossed the bridge connecting the tallest tower with the rest of the castle.

“A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!”

Fiona pulled her arm from Shrek’s grip. They stop for a moment for Shrek to figure out which direction to go.

“I don’t think so,” Shrek shook his head.

“Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?” Fiona asked.

“Uh, Shrek.”

“Sir Shrek,” Fiona nodded.

With a smile and her throat cleared, Princess Fiona held out a handkerchief of her possession.

“I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.”

“Thanks,” Shrek responded awkwardly.

Shrek regarded the handkerchief curiously and proceeded to wipe off his sooty face with it, then along his neck, and even his armpits. He proceeded to hand it back to Fiona, who was appalled to see that it was nearly blackened with soot.

“SHREK!!!”

They both turned just as the Mane Six, along with Spike and the Ever After group ran towards them. Cerise and Maddie helped Raven along, while trying to apply pressure to her bleeding wound.

“What happened to all of you?” Shrek asked curiously.

“We were ambushed by Tirek and his cronies,” Spike responded.

“But luckily, we put on a cloud-busting whoopin’ on ‘em!” Rainbow bragged.

Shrek looked past them and took notice of the new additions to their little posse, which made his eyes roll.

“Oh great, more company,” He sighed.

“Turns out Tirek’s been keeping Apple and Raven’s friends hostage,” Rarity explained.

Twilight Sparkle turned nad that was when she finally noticed Princess Fiona.

“Hello, you must be Princess Fiona,” Twilight held out her hoof. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, princess of Equestria, and these are my friends. We’re here to rescue you.”

Fiona just stared at the purple pony princess for a moment as well as the rest of the buzzard assembly of characters.

“You can talk?” Fiona asked bewildered. “And did you call yourself… a princess?”

“Yeah, kind of a long story.”

“And we don’t have time right now,” Shrek groaned, impatiently. “We need to leave now.”

“Now hold on a minute!” Fiona called out.

Fiona (Sings):
Brave sir knight, slow down a bit.
Shut-in girls are delicate.
I’ve longed for this my whole life long.
Now you’re doing it all wrong!

“Really?” Rainbow raised a brow.

Fiona (Sings):
‘Down a rope a steed awaits,’
That’s what every story states.
‘Riding over rough terrain,
Past the Dragon you have slain.’
(Off his look)
‘… you have slain.’

“Uh oh…” Spike whispered, huddling back.

Fiona (Sings):
… you have slain?

“Yeah, funny story about that…” Pinkie chuckled nervously. “You’re going to laugh when I tell you. You see, we only just arrived at the castle, and we saw just how spooky the interior was. So, we split up to find you. Us girls and Spike in one direction, Shrek in the other, and—wait a minute!”

Pinkie paused for a moment, then quickly looked left and right over the group. She proceeded to count heads with her hoof rapidly, whispering to herself.

“Guys, don’t be alarmed… but I think we’re missing some pony,” Pinkie stated.

All of a sudden, they were all startled by the dragon’s roar.

“You didn’t slay the dragon?!” Fiona exclaimed worriedly.

“It’s on my to-do list, now come on!” Shrek responded.

Shrek grabbed Fiona once again and took off running towards the direction of the dragon’s roar. The Equestrians and the Ever After group followed closely behind, or as best they could while trying to help an injured Raven.

“But this isn’t right!” Fiona complained. “You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That’s what all the other knights did!”

“Yeah, right before they burst into flames!” Shrek pointed out.

He gestured at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it.

“That’s not the point!” Fiona argued. “Ugh!”

Fiona pulled her arm free from Shrek and stopped running. The rest of the group skid to a halt alongside them. Cerise and Maddie finally laid Raven down for a better chance at helping her. Twilight approached to examine the poor girl.

“How’s she doing?” Twilight asked.

“Not so good,” Cerise responded. “We’ve stopped the bleeding by a little, but she needs medical attention.”

“Or the mooncalf will never sing beneath the pale moonlight again,” Maddie added.

Twilight looked back toward the rest of the group, confused with the young girl’s riddle.

“She needs help soon or she’ll die,” Briar explained.

While the girls determined what to do, Spike looked around the area before he noticed a bubbling pot next to a large cookbook. He took a curious whiff in the air and was intrigued by the smell.

“Hmm… something’s cooking!” Spike noted, grabbing a ladle. “I wonder what they’ve been feeding the princess anyway.”

Spike proceeded to dip the ladle for a careful spoonful of the broth. But as he slowly lifted the ladle, something burst on top of the brew… which turned out to be a boiled skull with empty eye sockets, along with various remains floating up. Spike added the torn limbs and skulls with horror, before letting the ladle sink into the boiling brew.

“This creature seriously needs a new hobby,” Spike shuddered, backing away.

Meanwhile, Princess Fiona walked toward the group and looked at the injured girl.

“I might be able to help you,” She suggested. “I’m no doctor, but I can at least clean the wound and stitch it up.”

“Oh will you please?!” Apple practically begged.

Fiona merely nodded as she knelt down alongside the group and proceeded to help patch Raven’s wound. While doing this, Shrek paused to look around and made for a set of wooden doors.

“Wait—where are you going?” Fiona asked over her shoulder. “The exit’s over there!”

Shrek turned around as she pointed her arm to her left.

“Well, I have to save my ass,” Shrek replied.

“Nice way of putting it there, Shrek,” Rainbow said with an eye roll.

“What kind of knight are you?” Fiona asked appalled.

“One of a kind,” Shrek answered.

Shrek silently pushed the doors open, emerging onto a balcony of a large spacious room. In the very center of it all, the Dragon itself had Donkey wrapped up within her tail. The Dragon sat upon a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels. Donkey, meanwhile, tried very hard to talk his way out of the mess he got himself into.

“Slow down, slow down, baby, please,” Donkey rambled. “Look, I believe it’s healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don’t want to rush into a… a physical relationship. I’m not… not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh – ‘magnitude’ really is the word I’m looking for. Magnitude…”

But the Dragon was under a spell of her own: a love spell. Gently, she caressed Donkey with a single claw.

“Hey, that is unwanted physical contact,” Donkey argued. “Hey, what are you doing?”

Dragon lifted her head toward the chandelier hanging above them. Gently, she lit the candles with her fire breath setting the mood. She was blissfully unaware of an armored green intruder sneaking his way through the room, trying to determine how he was getting Donkey out of there.

“Okay, okay, let’s just back up a little and take this one step at a time,” Donkey continued. “I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y’know cause I’m on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read—”

Shrek, finding a solution, leapt over the balcony, and grabbed for the chain connected to the chandelier. Unfortunately, the chain wasn’t low enough for him to grab Donkey. He swung over the dragon, then back, and until he was left dangling above her. The heads of the Equestrians, five ponies and one dragon, nervously peeked through the door, silently watching the awkward scene before them.

“Oh y’know I’d, I’d really love to stay, but—”

But before Donkey could finish, Dragon tugged at Donkey’s tail with her mouth.

“Hey, hey, don’t do that! That’s my tail! That’s my personal tail. You’re gonna tear it off. I don’t give permission to—hey! What are you gonna do with that?”

The dragon was starting to get very horny, playing around with the anxious Donkey. The beast proceeded to press her lips, ready to plant Donkey a big wet kiss. While sorting a plan, Shrek looked up and soon realized that the chain was jammed above him. He started to shake it, trying to relapse it from the pulley. All of a sudden, the pulley broke loose, and Shrek started falling.

“Hey, now! No way!” Donkey shook his head. “No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!”

Just mere seconds before Donkey and Dragon made contact, Shrek landed atop of the mule, bumping him out of Dragon’s grasp as the Dragon leaned down for a kiss… but instead planted her lips upon Shrek’s rump. The Equestrians witnessing the event were disgusted by the sight, Spike planting a claw upon his mouth to keep from throwing up and Rarity fainting at the horrific sight.

And this moment is why I ‘hate’ toilet humor with a passion.

The moment the Dragon opened her eyes and saw what she had done, much to her horror, she roared in disgust. By then, Shrek released his hold on the chain and sent the chandelier on top of her head, which acted as a collar around her neck. As the dragon roared again, Shrek and Donkey immediately took off running dodging a blast of fire from the enraged monster. Shrek grabbed Donkey in one arm, then grabbed Princess Fiona, who wandered into the room, with the other as he ran past her. The Equestrians proceeded to follow after the running ogre-in-disguise.

“Hi, Princess!” Donkey greeted.

“It talks!” Fiona gasped.

“Yeah, it’s getting him to shut up that’s the trick!” Shrek spoke, facing the Equestrians. “Where’re the others?”

“Fluttershy’s led the Ever After girls down the exit we passed,” Twilight instructed. “We need to get to the bridge right now!”

They gasped as Shrek suddenly stopped, having reached the end of the balcony. Shrek spotted a fallen column that formed a sort of slide. Twilight Sparkle, along with Rainbow Dash and Spike, took off into the sky toward the ground below as Shrek and the others hopped on it just as Dragon tried to bite them. The others slid down the slide; unfortunate, they spotted a crack in the stone. The Earth ponies and Rarity quickly hopped over the crack... but the crack struck Shrek right in the groin, his eyes crossed as he reached the bottom of the slide. While the group ran ahead, their flying friends joining up, Shrek stumbled after them groaning in pain. The dragon chased after them, the beast lunging in attack mode, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling.

Fiona (Sings):
Are you there, God?
It’s me, Fiona!

“Lady, how’s about less praying and more running?!” Rainbow cried out.

Fiona (Sings):
In the end remember
All your dreams come TRUE!!!

They narrowly dodged the dragon’s fire blast as the chased continued into a large hall of the castle.

Fiona (Sings):
Say your affirmations
And love will come to you.
If you can conceive it
Believe it, achieve it.

“This princess has gone plum daffy!” Applejack remarked, mid-run.

“Ooh, actually that sounds like fun!” Pinkie smiled. “Let me try!”

Pinkie Pie (Sings):
Mad dragon, yay
Skeletons, hoory!
Pretending I’m not here
Nothing more to fear!
Pink ponies, happy sky!
Pink ponies, happy sky!

They raced past a multitude of stone pillars, the dragon never far behind as her chain looped itself around. Shrek and the others zig-zagged around them trying to work the trail to their advantage.

Pinkie Pie and Fiona (Sings):
Pink ponies, happy sky
Pink ponies, happy sky…

Fiona (Sings):
Oh, my God! We’re gonna die!

The Dragon ended up in front of them and took a deep breath ready to fire. Acting quick, Spike shoved the group aside and they dodged the fire, while Spike took the majority of the attack. The group quickly turned as smoke began to build.

“SPIKE!!!” The girls cried out.

As the smoke cleared, Spike wobbled his way through as smoke cleared through his nostrils. To their relief, he didn’t seem hurt at all. But judging by his expression he looked like he was slightly high by the overwhelming sensation.

“Awesome…!” Spike sighed, giddy-like.

“GUYS!!! OVER HERE!” Fluttershy’s voice called out.

The group spotted Fluttershy and the Ever After girls, waving toward them near the entrance of the bridge and desperately beckoning them to hurry. The group leapt over several rows of chains, while Twilight and Rainbow flew over them. Spike, still dazed from the attack, laid on Applejack’s back as she carried him the rest of the way. Shrek quickly came to a halt, which Twilight took notice of.

“Okay, you two, head for the exit!” Shrek ordered, setting Donkey and Fiona down.

“Shrek, what’re you doing?!” Twilight cried worriedly. “Run!”

“It’s all right, little pony! I’ll take care of the dragon.”

Shrek grabbed for a sword lodged deeply in the floor, as if the ogre was preparing to take a stand against the best. But instead, Shrek stuck it through a link in the chain embedding it deep within the floor. Twilight, witnessing his actions, realized what the ogre was planning and proceeded to take off with the others. By now, Shrek and Twilight Sparkle caught up with the others, who waited near the exit.

“RUN!!!” Shrek and Twilight called.

They sprinted as fast as they could out of the castle, Cerise and Maddie carrying the wounded Raven in their arms as they ran. Running across the rickety bridge, they sped up as Dragon breathed a huge fireball behind them. The Ever After High girls, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Spike just made it to the other side while the others just reached the middle of the bridge. But the fire quickly burned the ropes eventually snapping the bridge in half.

While Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were already in midair, their friends were hanging onto the bridge as they swung to the other side. But Donkey, unable to grab on, fell to the lava below… but not before Shrek caught him by the tail. Fiona screamed in terror as Dragon flew over the boiling lava to get them. Twilight and Rainbow Dash assumed the position, the latter ready for a fight.

“Bring it on, heart burn!” Rainbow taunted, holding her fists.

Suddenly, the chandelier jerked Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a storm column and the chain was stuck. The Dragon couldn’t move any further, too focused on the fact she was stuck. Rainbow Dash smirked as she saw the position the beast was in.

“We got her on the run now!” Rainbow declared, ready to charge.

“No, Dash,” Twilight held her back. “We’re done here… we’re done…”

With the Dragon preoccupied, the remainder of the group quickly climbed for safety as their friends reached down to pull them up. Seeing the group escaping her lair, the Dragon released a defeated cry… followed by a sad whimper. Not so much because she failed her task to keep the princess in her tower, but because for the first time she seemingly met someone she cared about, someone she thought loved her… and now he was gone. He’d be leaving somewhere very far away, and she might never see him again… it hurt her so much.

<>

The first to emerge was Princess Fiona, who gracefully slid down to the bottom of the volcanic hill. The Mane Six and Spike slid down behind her, helping the Ever After crew down. As they settled in the comfort of safety, Fiona was so overwhelmed with joy over her newfound freedom… she couldn’t help but sing… again.

Fiona (Sings):
This is how I pictured it,
More or less, I must admit.
A thumping in my heart.
A life about to start…

I knew this day would come,
And you would find your way. (Spike tiredly gave a thumbs up)
At last my dream comes true.
I knew, I knew, I knew…
… it would be… TODAY!!!

And all at once, the set had changed. They are safe on the other side; all signs of the Dragon (Apart from her fading roar) and her keep had vanished. Fiona skipped about like the overjoyed princess she is. The Equestrians and the Ever After crew are winded.

“Well… that was certainly an experience,” Spike sighed in relief.

“One I’m rather is over now,” Rarity nodded.

“At least we made it out alive,” Fluttershy spoke softly.

Yeah… just barely…

Speaking of which, how is it one tiny sword was able to hold back a giant dragon anyway?

It’s a cartoon, who knows?

“Oh how hat-tastic!” Maddie smiled, looking toward the sky. “New narrator friends!”

Wait… she hears us?

She’s the Mad Hatter’s daughter. Why are you so surprised? Pinkie can hear us.

“Yes indeedy I can!” Pinkie giggled.

“You hear them too?” Maddie asked, wide-eyed.

“Well of course!” Pinkie nodded. “Been talking to them throughout the whole series so far.”

“Well, high-diddle-diddle! Isn’t that a coincidence?” Maddie giggled. “Would you like some tea?”

She took off her tiny hat and procured an entire tea set. She proceeded to pour two cups of tea, complete with a few squares of sugar from the teapot.

“Miss Maddie, I get the feeling we’re going to get along just fine!” Pinkie grinned.

As this went on, Raven slowly yet surely started to regain her strength back. She at least was able to stand again, granted her stance was still wobbly. The girl nearly fell before Apple and Ashlynn caught her.

“Whoa now, take it easy Raven,” Ashlynn urged. “Don’t push yourself too hard.”

“Last thing we need is another friend leaving us too soon,” Apple said tearfully. “I can’t bear the thought.”

“Don’t worry you guys, I’m fine,” Raven assured. “Just need to catch my bearings is all.”

“Thankfully, Princess Fiona knows a thing or two about patching people up,” Cerise sighed gratefully. “Which surprises me since she’s been locked in a tower all these years.”

Meanwhile, Fiona was still overjoyed to finally be free from her prison.

“You did it!” She exclaimed excitedly. “You-did-it-you-did-it-you-did-it! You rescued me! You’re amazing, you’re—you’re wonderful, you’re…”

Behind them, Donkey tumbled his way down the hill. Shrek slid down the hill and crashed into Donkey. Some of the ponies cringed over the impact.

“A little unorthodox I’ll admit,” She stated awkwardly. “But—they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. And you—”

She pointed toward Spike, who looked side to side quickly and then pointed to himself mouthing ‘Me?’.

“You stood up against your own race and saved my life without expecting anything in return. Little dragon, I am eternally in your debt.”

“Well, well, well…” Spike smiled, crossing his arms.

“Ahem…” Donkey cleared his throat.

“And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?” Fiona asked.

She knelt beside Donkey, reached down, and squeezed his face.

“Alright! I hope you heard that,” Donkey said happily. “She called me a ‘noble steed’! She thinks I’m a steed.”

“Yeah, yeah, we all heard it!” Rainbow rolled her eyes.

Donkey blushed, causing Fiona to chuckle and Shrek to roll his eyes in suit.

“Well, Sir Shrek, the battle is won,” Fiona declared, standing up. “You may remove your helmet, good Knight.”

Donkey and the ponies gasped, making eye contact with Shrek.

“Ahh… no,” Shrek spoke hesitantly.

“Why not?” Fiona asked.

“I… I have helmet hair.”

“Oh yeah, you know how it is!” Rainbow nodded quickly. “It’s a very bad sight, you’d be uncomfortable. Heck, you should see how Applejack’s hair looks when she’s wearing that old hat of hers twenty-four seven.”

“Watch it, hon!” Applejack scolded lightly.

“Please, I would’st look upon the face of my rescuerer,” Fiona insisted coyly.

“Oh no, you wouldn’t… tst,” Shrek replied.

“But—how will you kiss me?” Fiona asked, batting her eyelashes.

“What?” Shrek asked, bumping into a tree stump. “That wasn’t in the job description.”

“Maybe it’s a perk!” Donkey smiled.

“No, it’s destiny,” Fiona explained. “Oh, you must know how it goes: ‘A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love’s first kiss’.”

The entire group gave Fiona a wide-eyed look.

“Hmm? With Shrek?” Donkey questioned. “You think—who, whoa, wait a sec! You think that Shrek is your true love?”

“The big guy right here?” Rainbow pointed at Shrek.

“Well… yes,” Fiona nodded, smiling sheepishly.

Shrek, Donkey, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Spike turned to each other… and burst out laughing.

“Oh sweet Celestia, that’s funny!” Rainbow laughed.

“You think Shrek is your true love!” Donkey wheezed.

“What is so funny?” Fiona asked.

“Well, let’s just say I’m not your type, okay?” Shrek told her.

“Of course, you are,” Fiona retorted. “You’re my rescuer! Now—now remove your helmet.”

“Look, I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Shrek warned.”

“Just take off the helmet.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Take it off.”

“No!”

“NOW!!!”

“Okay! Easy! As you command… Your Highness.”

Reluctantly, Shrek slowly took off his helmet revealing his ogre self. Fiona eyed him blankly, confused but not frightened. Shrek grinned awkwardly, the same said for the others.

“Surprise…” Fluttershy smiled weakly.

“You’re… an ogre?” Fiona asked.

“… Sorry,” Rarity apologized.

“Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?” Shrek remarked.

Suddenly, before Fiona could answer, Maddie and Pinkie popped up between the two.

“Ooh, which ones?” Maddie asked eagerly. “There’s Daring and Dexter.”

“Didn’t you also say they have a sister named Darling?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh peas and tea cakes, you’re right!” Maddie snapped her finger. “Though actually, Darling’s not really into princes herself. Actually, it’s a very funny story when you think about—”

But Apple White slapped a hand over Maddie’s mouth, not so much to not spoil a secret but to gesture her to the ogre and the princess. Fiona and Shrek eyed them with narrow eyes, unamused by their antics. Pinkie and Maddie merely smiled, taking the hint, and walked off with Apple White.

“Oh, no. This is all wrong!” Fiona complained, pacing back and forth. “You’re not supposed to be an ogre!”

“Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay?” Shrek informed her. “He’s the one who wants to marry you.”

The mere mention of Lord Farquaad prompted Fiona to turn about in surprise.

“Well then, why didn’t he come rescue me?” She asked.

“Good question,” Shrek replied. “You should ask him that when we get there.”

Shrek turned, removing what little armor remained attached.

“But I have to be rescued by my true love!” Fiona exclaimed. “Not by some ogre and hi… hi… his pets!”

A heavy gasp emerged, as the Mane Six and Spike froze and slowly turned towards the princess.

“Who are you calling pets?” Rainbow asked offended.

“Well, so much for noble steed,” Donkey sighed disappointed.

“And so much for eternal debt!” Spike sighed, with a huff.

“Look princess, you’re not making my job any easier,” Shrek sighed, irritated.

“I’m sorry, but your job is not my problem,” Fiona huffed, crossing her arms. “You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I’ll be waiting for him right here.”

Fiona sat down determinedly on a nearby rock; however, Twilight was not having it.

“Excuse me?!” Twilight gasped, frustrated. “We spent an entire day trying to get to this castle with very little sleep! We’re captured by a homicidal centaur and his croons, fought tooth and nail for our freedom and yours, barely escaped a dragon with our lives… and all of a sudden, you think you can just belittle us after all the trouble we went through to save you! I don’t think so!”

“Easy Twi… remember your breathing…” Apple instructed calmly.

“And another thing!” Shrek said loudly. “I’m no one’s messenger boy, all right? I’m a delivery boy.”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Fiona challenged.

With no second thought, Shrek lifted Fiona over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Fiona kicked and screamed like a spoiled little brat.

“AGGHH! PUT ME DOWN! AGGGHH!”

“You all comin’?” Shrek asked the group.

“Oh yep! I’m right behind ya!” Donkey replied.

“Time to hit the road again,” Spike added.

“Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences!” Fiona said angrily. “This is not dignified! Put me down!”

Fiona smacked Shrek on the back of the head, screaming in frustration as the entire group proceeded down the mountain.

“You know every pony; I’d say this will go much faster if we do this in song!” Pinkie suggested.

Pinkie proceeded to take out a ukelele and proceeded to strum a familiar tune.

Pinkie Pie (Sings):
Sing a song, yes a travel song
When you got—

But Rainbow Dash quickly swiped the ukelele off of a confused Pinkie Pie’s grip. Rainbow proceeded to tighten the four strings until they snapped one-by-one. She proceeded to split the instrument in half and pressed the neck until it burst into a billion pieces. Then she took the body and slammed a hoof through the hole making it bigger before hurling it over the side sending it plummeting to the ground below. Rainbow proceeded to fly ahead as Pinkie Pie stared blankly at the scene.

“A simple ‘no’ would’ve been fine, thank you!” Pinkie called out, following the group.

As they walked down, from high atop the mountain, the shadow of Uncle Howdy watched the departing group.

“He’s got the whole world in his hands.”

Nighttime Talks

Later that same day, as the sun began to set over the horizon, the motley crew trekked their way back to Duloc. It had already been a tumultuous day to say the very least. From discovering that Apple and Raven’s friends were still alive, rescuing a princess, and outrunning a fire-breathing dragon… it was a miracle their sanity was still ‘partly’ intact. Currently, they found themselves wandering a dirt path through a forest. And as they walked, Apple and Raven decided it was time to extract some information from their friends.

“So, how hexactly are you guys still alive?” Raven asked.

“Honestly, we’re not really sure,” Cerise answered. “One minute, everything seemed spelltacular at Thronecoming and we’re having the time of our lives. Next thing we know, we’re dodging crossbow bolts and swords!”

“We managed to duck our way through the knights, but we were ambushed from behind,” Briar continued. “They threw bags over our heads, tied us up, and knocked us out cold. When we woke up, we found ourselves in that chamber and we’ve been trapped there ever since.”

Meanwhile, huge tears raced down Ashlynn’s porcelain face. She still remembered the events of the previous days.

“It all happened so fast…” She wept. “All our friends, our homes, and Hunter… Hunter… they’re all gone!”

The poor girl wept as the tears fell freely at the very idea of her recently lost love. Apple placed an arm around her friend in an effort to comfort her, sadly it was of no avail.

“I can’t believe this happened,” Apple sighed dejectedly. “It’s just not fair; we never even saw it coming.”

Then Maddie popped up right beside Raven, who still held her wound while stumbling about in pain.

“I have a riddle everyone wants to know,” She spoke curiously. “What the hex was that key to you, Raven?”

“I don’t know hexactly,” Raven answered. “While Apple and I were escaping, I heard two of those knights talking. One mentioned something about ‘the Rains of Castamere have fallen’ and the other said the key would ‘guarantee the future’. I used my magic to grab hold of it as we snuck by. Whatever they wanted with it, I knew it couldn’t have been good.”

As they spoke, Shrek was still carrying Fiona over his shoulder. By now, she adjusted to her new position in life. She was currently in the midst of talking with Donkey, along with the rest of the group as they pressed on for Duloc.

“Okay, so here’s another question,” Donkey told Fiona. “Say there’s a woman that digs you right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down realeasy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?”

“Dude, speaking from experience, you should be lucky that a girl has feelings for you,” Spike advised. “Even if that girl in general was going to turn us all into soup.”

“Can I offer something?” Fiona requested.

“Why certainly Fiona,” Fluttershy replied. “What do you think Donkey should do?”

“You just tell her she’s not your true love,” Fiona informed Donkey. “Everyone knows what happens when you find your…”

Shrek gave Fiona a deliberate readjustment that sent her bouncing, cutting her off.

“Oof! Hey!” Fiona complained. “The sooner we get to Duloc the better.”

“And ponies tell me I’m too brutally honest,” Applejack muttered.

“Oh, yeah,” Donkey nodded. “You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!”

“It is a very nice place,” Fluttershy agreed.

“Despite the maniacal munchkin running the joint,” Rainbow spoke under her breath.

“And what of my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad?” Fiona asked. “What’s he like?”

Shrek then noticed a nearby pond. He dumped Fiona unceremoniously on the ground and made for the pond to wash up.

“Well, let me put it this way, Princess,” Shrek said jokingly. “Men of Farquaad’s stature are in shortsupply.”

“I dunno, Shrek,” Donkey chuckled. “There are those who think ‘little of him’.”

“Oh yeah, but he is a little intimidating,” Spike added.

“You got that right,” Rainbow snickered, getting in on the joke. “He is on the small side of things.”

“He is quite narrow, ah’ll say,” Applejack put in.

“And yet very good at small talk,” Twilight implied.

“What are you guys doing?” Fiona asked, annoyed.

“I hate to break it to you, darling,” Rarity began, giggling. “You just might want to lower your expectations a bit… heh-heh-heh…”

“His tiny hat definitely fits him!” Pinkie smiled, holding back a laugh.

“You could say he’s a bit undersized!” Rainbow chuckled.

“Normally, I-I really wouldn’t say anything mean, but…” Fluttershy quietly offered. “Farquaad has kind of a… miniature status.”

“Yeah, like three feet or so!” Spike concluded.

This caused all of them to break out into laughter, while Fiona looked rather irritated.

“Stop it!” Fiona demanded. “Stop it, all of you! You know, you’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad!”

Twilight nudged the princess along her side, and Fiona turned toward the pony standing before the remainder of the Equestrian heroes.

“In case you forget Fiona, ‘I’ am a princess,” Twilight pointed out. “I know a thing or two about what makes a great ruler; I’ve read plenty of books to support my hypothesis.”

“Not to mention we’ve saved our own world from calamity and peril on numerous occasions,” Rarity added.

“There was Nightmare Moon, Discord, the Bug Bear, the Ursa Minor, Sombra, the Legion of Doom…” Pinkie listed off. “And that’s just our own world. And since then, we’ve dealt with demons, monsters, cults, crazy fans—”

Twilight once more encased Pinkie in a magical noise-cancelling bubble as she continued on and on. By then, Shrek returned to the group after washing up. He, Donkey, Spike and the girls walked past Fiona and continued on their way.

“Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess,” Shrek nodded.

“But we’ll let y’all do the measuring when ya see him tomorrow,” Applejack chuckled.

“Tomorrow?!” Fiona blurted in fear.

She turned back over her shoulder toward the setting sun, and all of a sudden it was as though she realized something.

“Oh my gosh, it’s almost sunset!”

“So?” Rainbow raised a brow.

“It’ll take that long? I didn’t realize it was so late; we need to make camp.”

“Hate to agree with the royal pain here, but she’s got a point,” Raven spoke up, groaning from her wound. “We really should rest up for the night; I can’t go any further with this injury.”

“Raven’s right, Shrek,” Apple agreed. “Shouldn’t we make camp for the night?”

“Camp? But you’ve just escaped!” Shrek argued.

“Yes, and I found the whole ordeal quite exhausting,” Fiona countered. “I need to rest immediately.”

“No, that’ll take longer,” Shrek retorted, pressing on. “We can keep going.”

“But there’s… robbers in the woods!” Fiona replied.

This actually caused Donkey and Fluttershy to stop in their tracks and perform a complete 180 degree turn.

“Robbers?! Where? Where?” Fluttershy asked frantically, looking around.

“Whoa! Time out, Shrek!” Donkey said worriedly. “Camp definitely is starting to sound good.”

“Hey, come on!” Shrek rolled his eyes. “I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.”

“Besides, even if anything does come at us, I’ll give ‘em the ole ‘Rainbow Smash’ special!” Rainbow smirked, with punching gestures. “There’s nothing on this Earth that can scare me!”

Shrek turned and kept walking, until Fiona jumped in front of him, blocking his path.

“I NEED TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO CAMP RIGHT NOW!!!” She yelled.

Everyone stopped in their tracks, a slight taken aback by her outburst. They exchanged a few glances that indicated their surprise.

“Okay…” Rainbow squeaked, with a sweat drop.

<>

A short while later, as the sun was going down, the group found themselves on a hillside cliff overlooking the remainder of Duloc. Shrek was in the process of moving a giant boulder out of the way, opening the mouth of a cave. Taking a peek inside, he saw it was as clear as it could be.

“Hey!” He yelled to the group. “Over here!”

They all walked alongside him and looked inside the cave.

“A cave?” Raven raised a brow.

“Shrek, we can do better than that,” Donkey voiced his disapproval.

“Indeed!” Rarity nodded. “This place is not fit for a princess.”

“We could always just keep walking as far as we can and hope to find the next town,” Twilight suggested.

Fiona, however, was far more concerned with the approaching sunset. Each passing second she grew more urgent.

“No, no, it’s perfect!” She said nervously. “It just needs a few homey touches.”

“Homey touches?” Applejack questioned. “Like wut?”

Suddenly, Shrek, Donkey, Spike, and the girls heard a huge ripping sound. They looked up and their eyes widened as Fiona pried some bark off a nearby tree with surprising strength. The whole group watched in dumb amazement.

“A door,” Fiona answered simply.

“Whoa…” Spike gasped.

“This was the princess who needed rescuing?” Rainbow asked Applejack.

The princess looked again toward the sun. She faked a yawn to cover her urgency as she heaved the door over the cave.

“Well gentlemen, and ladies, I bid thee good night,” She said quickly.

Fiona slammed the door behind her. Shrek, Donkey, Spike and the girls looked at each other, puzzled beyond words.

“Um, you want me to come in there and read you a bedtime story?” Donkey suggested. “’Cause I will.”

“I know a really good lullaby that’ll send you right off to see Princess Luna,” Pinkie offered. “It’s only one of the most popular songs in the history of—”

“I said GOOD NIGHT!” Fiona hollered.

Everyone turned toward each other in amazement. Then, Shrek leaned over toward the boulder he previously rolled and began to push it back toward the cave.

“Shrek, what are you doing?!” They all gasped.

Shrek released a few laughs, only to notice everyone glaring at him.

“I just… you know… oh, come o—I was just kidding.”

“Yeah, sure you were,” Twilight said skeptically.

“She seemed nice…” Pinkie smiled, skipping away.

“If by nice you mean rude and ungrateful… yeah, how very generous,” Rarity sighed with frustration.

“… Good night, Princess Fiona!” Fluttershy spoke quietly.

The group proceeded to head off for their own place to make camp. Little did any of them know, as the sun completely went down, the sky glowed a shade green almost magical in quality. A voice was heard deep inside the cave.

“By day one way, by night another—this shall be the norm, until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form…”

<>

Later that night, the stars twinkled in the sky over the entire group as they made themselves comfortable on the cliff side… or at least ‘tried’ to. Shrek and Donkey laid around a campfire looking toward the star-lit night, while the Equestrians attempted to help the Ever After group construct camp. They gazed toward the sky as Shrek pointed out certain star constellations to Donkey.

“And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields,” Shrek explained.

“Right, yeah…” Donkey nodded. “Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?”

“The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey,” Shrek replied. “They tell stories.”

He proceeded to point out another constellation.

“Look, there’s Bloodnut the Flatulent,” He chuckled. “You can guess what he’s famous for.”

“Alright now I know you’re making this up,” Donkey said skeptically.

“I have to agree with Donkey,” Twilight nodded. “There is no way that Princess Luna would create a constellation that sounds so… distasteful.”

“No, look,” Shrek traced the constellation with his finger. “There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench.”

“How revolting,” Rarity cringed.

“… Why do you people think those jokes are even funny?” Pinkie eyed the screen.

“Who is she talking to?” Apple asked curiously.

“Oh, just a thousand eyes staring at the screen as we progress in our wacky period of fun and shenanigans,” Maddie replied casually.

“Man, that ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots,” Donkey said.

“You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear,” Shrek replied.

“That’s true,” Applejack nodded. “Like that first time we done met Zecora. We thought she was some kinda evil sorceress threatenin’ to curse us all. Turned out she’s actually one ah the kindest Zebras we ever met.”

“She’s the only zebra we’ve ever met,” Rainbow pointed out.

“In canon…” Pinkie added.

“Y’all know what ah mean,” Applejack rolled her eyes.

Shrek glanced over to see if Donkey understood him. Instead, all he received was a blank, vacant stare.

“Forget it,” Shrek muttered.

Donkey merely stretched his limbs and released a big yawn as he tried to get comfortable.

“You know what I realized?” Donkey spoke up. “If we escaped a dragon, then we could do anything. Yeah, I could be a steed. Or I could work the Crusades circuit if I wanted to. I could even be one of those horses who pull those wagons full of beer! I’d need some hair extensions on my ankles, but I could do it!”

“One of us really should tell him,” Rainbow suggested to Applejack.

“Let ‘em dream hun…” Applejack replied.

“Say Shrek, who’d you wanna be?” Pinkie asked curiously.

“I don’t wanna be anyone,” Shrek answered bluntly.

“But just for fun, who would you pick?”

“I wouldn’t.”

“But if you had to.”

“Pinkie—”

“For example, if a villain held a sword at your throat, no offense Ashlynn, and he was like, ‘Look here, you can’t be an ogre anymore, pick something else!’ thenwho would you pick?”

“I would pick that guy up and hurl him into a tree!” Shrek glared at Pinkie.

“You are no fun at all!” Pinkie pouted childishly.

“Is this what it’s gonna be like when we get our swamp?” Donkey asked.

“Our swamp?” Shrek retorted bitterly.

“You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess and all that stuff,” Donkey emphasized. “It’s just us sitting around the swamp all day doing nothing?”

“We? Donkey, there’s no ‘we’. There’s no ‘our’. There’s just me and my swamp. And when I do get back, the first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.”

Shrek proceeded to turn his back from Donkey and Pinkie.

“You cut me deep, Shrek,” Donkey spoke up. “You cut me real deep just now.”

“You know what I think?” Pinkie realized, facing Shrek. “I’m thinking this whole wall thing’s just an excuse to keep somebody… or some ‘pony’ out.”

“No… do ya think?” Shrek asked sarcastically.

He turned away again hoping that would be the end of it. But neither Donkey nor Pinkie Pie were finished.

“Are you hidin’ something?” Donkey asked curiously.

“Never mind, Donkey,” Shrek groaned, lying on his back.

“Is this another one of those onion things?” Pinkie leaned over him.

“No, this is one of those ‘drop it and leave it alone’ things!”

“Why don’t you want to talk about it?” Donkey asked insistently.

“Why do you want to talk about it?” Shrek turned away.

“Because you wouldn’t be blocking,” Pinkie pointed out.

“I’m not blocking!”

“Oh, yes, you are!” Donkey argued.

“Donkey, I’m warning you…” Shrek threatened.

“Who you trying to keep out?”

All at once, Shrek got on his feet and towered over the chattering pair.

“Everyone! Okay?!”

“Ooh…” Pinkie and Donkey nodded.

“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Pinkie smiled, satisfied.

Unseen by either of them, Fiona peeked around the cave door. On one hand, their back-and-forth argument was disturbing her sleep. But at the same time, however, curiosity beckoned the princess to eavesdrop on what essentially was a private conversation.

“Oh! For the love of Pete!” Shrek groaned in frustration.

The ogre made his way toward the edge of the cliff and sat himself away from the group. Pinkie Pie merely bounced right alongside him with a huge smile.

“Aww, come on big guy!” She said teasingly. “No need to be such a sour puss. Let’s turn that big frown of yours into a big smile.”

Shrek merely turned toward her with the biggest glare he’d ever given. However, Pinkie wasn’t deterred at all by the glaring. Instead, her legs started shaking like there was an earthquake.

“Ooh… shaky legs!” She said excitedly. “You know what that means?”

“I don’t care!” Shrek groaned.

“It’s time for a MUSICAL NUMBER!” Pinkie yelled excitedly. “Hmm… but I can’t do this all by myself.”

She turned back toward the Ever After High students, specifically Maddie Hatter.

“Miss Maddie, wanna gimme a hoof?” She asked eagerly.

“Ooh, I love musical numbers!” Maddie clapped her hands excitedly.

She raced toward Pinkie’s side and they both smiled widely, much to the chagrin of a certain green ogre.

“We just need one more person to complete our ensemble,” Pinkie pondered. “Oh Mr. Kelly…”

She and Maddie leapt into the air and off the screen—

<>

… And when the two came back down, they were now on the set of the classic film ‘Anchors Aweigh’. Particularly, they were in the throne room scene with none other than Gene Kelly himself.

“Would you mind helping us out?” Pinkie asked.

“No problem!” Gene Kelly smiled.

“Oh goody-goody!” Maddie giggled.

Gene Kelly proceeded to showcase a few simple tap maneuvers, to which Pinkie and Maddie proceeded to follow.

For a minute or two, like a mouse with a crown, Pinkie Pie and Maddie Hatter both pulled out vaudeville hats and proceeded to get into a huge tap dancing routine with a late great performer. At first, Pinkie stumbled about and landed right on her flank. But thankfully, Gene Kelly helped her right back and they continued on. Soon all three danced in many fun and unique ways, skipping across the floor, taking leaps, the girls sliding beneath Kelly with a ‘Wee!’, and Pinkie even hoped along Gene Kelly’s muscles like a bouncy ball. The dance was so crazy that during a series of leaps, Pinkie defied gravity by hovering over the pair until Gene took notice and dragged her down.

One thing was certain, as sure as fire, together these three were constantly having fun dancing together.

“Look ma! I’m dancing!” Pinkie called out.

By the time the dancing was finished, by the time they just shook hands with the man in the sailor outfit, Pinkie and Maddie leapt right off the screen—

<>

… And they both landed back on the cliff side, striking the finishing pose with huge smiles on their faces while breathing heavily. The entire group looked at them strangely for a few moments before brushing them off and went back to what they were doing. Shrek just eyed the pair, who were waiting anxiously for some sign of approval… but just turned away to look over the edge of the cliff. The girls merely sighed with exasperation.

“Nothing…” Pinkie pouted.

“I’ll put on some tea,” Maddie offered, walking away.

“I’ll bring out the cakes!”

As Pinkie Pie and Maddie departed for the campfire, Spike decided a different approach was needed. He walked beside Shrek and took a seat next to him.

“I don’t get it, Shrek,” He voiced his confusion. “Why are you so eager to be by yourself?”

“Yeah man, what’s your problem anyway?” Donkey added. “What do you got against the whole world?”

“Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay?!” Shrek said loudly. “It’s the world who seems to have a problem with me!”

“I don’t understand…” Spike answered, shocked.

“You don’t understand?” Shrek scoffed. “Look at me! You saw how that princess reacted. That’s how it always is. People take one look at me and it’s all, ‘AAH! HELP! RUN! A BIG STUPID UGLY OGRE!’”

Shrek sighed to himself and slumped further into a miserable state.

“They judge me before they even get to know me,” Shrek spoke somberly. “That’s why I’m better off alone.”

“Wow… I had no idea,” Spike answered quietly.

“Don’t blame ye, lad. It’s not like you could understand what I go through. Why else would I act scary? No one will give me a chance. Why bother?”

“Actually… I do.”

“Oh? How so?”

“Back when Twilight and I were still living in Canterlot,” Spike began, with a heavy sigh. “Ponies judged me… all the time. I was ‘one’ dragon, in a city full of ponies… ponies who talk. I feared the idea of making friends in other towns back home because I thought they’d all judge me before giving me a chance.”

“So, you do know what I’m going through,” Shrek nodded.

“And I’m trying to show others I can be someone they can rely on,” Spike continued. “But instead, most ponies look down at me like I’m just the sidekick no one likes. My victories may not be as amazing compared to what Twilight and the others have done, but they’re still accomplishments to me. Sometimes… I think I’m not acknowledged as much as I’d like to be, that they’d just roll their eyes whenever I bring up one of my past adventures like they don’t even care… like nothing I did mattered.”

Twilight and the girls heard word for word of what Spike said and thought back to those days. Whether Spike was aware of it or not, they felt bad for all those years of never giving Spike the same praise he rightfully deserved.

“Oh Spike…” Twilight sighed softly.

“Well, I’ve been content with being a loner my whole life,” Shrek insisted. “But at least you’re still young. One day, you’ll show everyone what kind of dragon you really are.”

“You think so?” Spike asked hopefully.

“Sure… and if they still put you down, take my advice and just ignore them. You deserve to hang with those who ‘do’ care.”

“That actually makes me feel better,” Spike smiled. “Thank you Shrek.”

“No problem.”

“You know, Shrek?” Donkey spoke up. “When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big stupid ugly ogre.”

“Neither did we,” Spike added. “In fact, you’re one of the coolest creatures I’ve ever met. We’ve got your back.”

“Thank you,” Shrek sighed.

This moment seemed to last a good while between the three guys. But the silence didn’t last long as Donkey decided to press the issue.

“So… there’s really no one else you’d rather be?” Donkey asked Shrek.

Shrek remained silent for a while, instead thinking on his own. Throughout his entire life, he’d always chase people off his land so he could spend his days alone. And yet… that never meant he didn’t have dreams like everyone else. And much to his own surprise, he began to relate his greatest dream through song.

Donkey and Spike looked up at their friend, as six eyes gazed toward the glittering stars and the great big moon in the night sky. With only the light of the moon piercing through some cracks of the wooden door, it barely touches the silhouette of Princess Fiona. She had been listening all that time, every word… and she felt terrible for herself, for the way she acted.

And once the song was finished, whether anyone else even heard or not, the four guys just sat upon the edge of the cliff looking up toward the evening sky.

“So uh, are there any donkeys up there?” Donkey asked.

“Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small… and annoying,” Shrek remarked.

“Okay, okay, I see it now…” Donkey pretended to see. “Yeah, the big shiny one, right there. That one there?”

“Donkey… that’s the moon,” Spike pointed out.

“Oh… oh, okay.”

As they admired the stars in the sky, Spike began to reflect on his own dream:

‘Wouldn’t it be nice to be the hero who saves the day?’ He thought to himself. ‘Nah, who am I kidding? I’m still… me. What can I do that Twilight and the others haven’t done already? Or can do? What can I… oh, never mind…’

And from the wooded area just near the cliff, Uncle Howdy’s dark figure watched from the cover of the brush. Alongside the dark entity were a few ghastly figures. One was a man in a leather jacket, another of a woman in a dark robe, and finally a made with a wide-eyed crazy look on his face. Uncle Howdy merely gave a quiet chuckle as he stared toward the ponies and the Ever After girls.

“Ain’t no one going to hurt you… except me.”

<>

Meanwhile, back in Duloc, Lord Farquaad… was taking a bath in his quarters and wore his favorite ducky gloves. Already he was having dreams of meeting his lady faire.

“’Princess Fiona? I am Lord Farquaad’… what do you think?” He asked his ‘ducks’. “No, you’re right, too formal. ‘Fiona? Hi, Farquaad, but you can call me Maximus, as I’ve no doubt you will! Woof!’… no, too smutty…

“But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is Fiona and Farquaad is the sun…”

It was then Thelonious arrived with his lord’s drink, as per requested.

“We’ve just gotten word, my liege: Princess Fiona has been rescued. She’s on her way.”

To say Farquaad was pleased with the news was an understatement. So pleased in fact, he sang:

“On her way! She’s on her way and so am I~! Ah… my fairytale princess, ha-ha-ha! I always said I’d be king and now look: the last adorable piece to my master plan! Though I wonder if that oaf Tirek actually managed to beat those good-for-nothing… yet ‘adorable’ ponies… ah well—thank you, Thelonious!”

Farquaad gladly took a sip from the straw, savoring the beverage.

“Pina Colada!” He sighed happily.

Ever since his selection of Princess Fiona, Farquaad developed a hankering for Pina Colada; that, and the song was admittedly catchy.

“Ah, just think… soon, they’ll be writing be writing books about me instead of those… disgusting little freaks. Oh, that reminds me! Oh, Mirror!”

Farquaad had the Magic Mirror moved to his room, which was shared with his bathroom, so as for it to be more convenient.

“Yeeeees, my liege?”

What the Mirror didn’t expect, to his horror, was to be called during Farquaad’s… bath time.

“How are the wedding preparations coming?” Farquaad asked.

“All in order, my lord,” The mirror answered. “We’ve booked the cathedral and the band…”

But Farquaad was barely paying much attention. He giggled like a schoolboy as Thelonious proceeded to scrub his tiny little feet. The Mirror was simply at a loss for words at the very sight before him.

“Wow. Um… although I did wonder if you wanted me to invite your father.”

The room went silent, so deathly still one could hear a pin drop.

“My what?” Farquaad spoke.

“Well, your… your father, my liege,” The Mirror repeated.

Thelonious, knowing what would happen, promptly vacated the premises. All the while, Farquaad could grow some mixed emotions stirring in his tiny frame. A mixture of anger… and tragedy.

“You mean that horrible little man who tried to keep me down my whole life?” Farquaad spoke. “That mal-tempered monster and vile grunt who abandoned me in the woods as a child?”

“Well, he did have his reasons,” Mirror responded.

But Farquaad was having none of it, despite the Mirror’s best effort to reason with him.

“Mirror, please. My father couldn’t accept that I wanted nothing to do with the family business.”

Outraged over the fact Farquaad wasn’t listening, Mirror promptly vanished from his portrait in a huff.

“That lowly, dirty family business…” Farquaad seethed. “Oh, Mirror!”

“Annnnything else, my liege?” The Mirror asked annoyed.

“I want you to be placed at the end of my bed when I get out of the tub. I wish to gaze upon my future bride before I sleep.”

And Mirror once again vanished in disgust, while several guards arrived to position the mirror in his bedroom. Farquaad sat in his tub pondering over his future, yet also thinking back to his youth… the point where his own legacy began.

“Oh, you abandoned me in the woods, Daddy!” Farquaad spoke. “Well, I crawled out, and up! Oh if you could only see me now, Daddy! I’d invite you to the wedding… but you have to be THIS tall to get in! Ha-ha-ha! TO THE RACES MEN!”

And just like that, Thelonious returned with an ensemble of knights. They proceeded to dress their Lord and master, decking him out in his robe with shoes. Once ‘partly’ presentable, Farquaad performs an insane tiny leg dance along with his lackeys.

<>

Later, Queen Cersei decided to check upon Lord Farquaad without his prior knowledge. Opening the door by a mere few inches, she spied upon the tiny lord who currently laid in be within his quarters, sipping his drink. In his chambers already stood two mannequins with a suit for himself and a wedding dress for Princess Fiona. There were plenty of other ‘his and hers’ items as well, along with a bear skin rug that just so happened to be… Mama Bear.

Wow… that’s just wrong.

On so many levels.

As Farquaad laid in bed, as requested, the Magic Mirror was set up before him.

“Again!” He demanded. “Show me again.”

Cersei could hardly tell from her position, but she could sense some confusion from the mirror over the tiny lord’s request.

“Mirror, mirror, show her to me,” Farquaad explained. “Show me the princess.”

The Magic Mirror merely gave a disgruntled face before bringing up the picture of Princess Fiona once more. Farquaad took a sip of his drink as he smiled in satisfaction.

“Ah, perfect,” He sighed.

Queen Cersei merely rolled her eyes with a scoff, having seen more than enough. Deciding she had more important matters to attend to, she proceeded to leave Farquaad to his ‘business’ and make way for her own.

<>

In another part of the castle, Cersei entered a chamber where Regina was using her own Magic Mirror to spy upon the Equestrian heroes and their new Ever After counterparts. Cersei too could see they were only a day’s travel from Duloc, give or take any delays they decide to make. Cersei took her seat at a chair and picked up a chalice of wine with her right hand as Regina eyed the mirror intently.

“Look at them,” Regina said in disgust. “It’s sickening how sweet they all are. Sickly sweet and pretentious.”

“Worry not,” Cersei assured, taking a sip. “We’ll be rid of them all soon enough.”

Regina rolled her eyes and waved her hand, causing the mirror to go dark.

“What makes you so sure?” She asked. “That big red idiot already messed this whole thing up!”

No sooner were those words spoken that the chamber door burst open. Tirek and their knights made their way inside. Many of the knights had their armor burnt, while Tirek had bruises all over his face.

“Speak of the devil,” Regina sighed. “What the hell happened to all of you?!”

Tirek growled as he turned toward Cersei.

“Your general abandoned us all and some dark figure drugged us!” He growled. “By the time we came to, those stupid ponies had fled. And just as we were about to make our own way out, we were attacked by that dragon! Thankfully, I was able to absorb a great deal of its power before we escaped. I’d like to see it breathe fire now.”

A laugh caused the large centaur to turn his head and he caught Venrys Baratheon walking into the room.

“Even with a whole army at your back, you still can’t get the job done,” He mocked.

“No thanks to you, coward!” Tirek growled.

“ENOUGH!” Cersei interrupted loudly. “Venrys, did you find what you were sent for?”

Venrys reached into his armor and procured the key before handing it to his Queen. Cersei took the key and examined it with a small smile on her face.

“Excellent!” She nodded approvingly. “With this, we shall secure victory for the Order.”

“What about the brats and those ponies?” Regina asked. “As long as they remain alive, our plans are still at risk.”

Cersei merely turned to her companion with a knowing look.

“It’s all a matter of leverage,” She stated simply.

One snap of her fingers was all Venrys needed to make his way from the chamber. Moments later, he returned dragging something with him. It turned out to be another figure bound in chains, a burlap sack over their head. The figure struggled hard but were unable to free themselves of their bonds. Cersei merely looked at the figure with a smirk while Regina rolled her eyes.

“As if keeping four girls alive wasn’t enough, you take another one?!” She sighed.

“Oh, but this one is special,” Cersei informed her. “You see, once those girls see exactly who it is, they’ll do far more than give up a key. They’ll give up their very lives.”

“You overestimate your persuasion,” Regina scoffed.

“And you underestimate what people will do for those they love,” Cersei retorted. “When it comes to matters of the heart, people always do crazy things… desperate crazy things…”

Sherwood Forest

The rays of the morning sun shined upon the cliff side as Princess Fiona finally emerged from the cave she inhabited the night before. Walking out of that very cave, the princess glanced toward the entire group who were still sleeping. Deciding to let them sleep in, she wandered off into the woods (a la Maria in ‘The Sound of Music’). She made her way Snow White-like through the forest, marveling at the nature that surrounded her and began to sing.

During the song, a blue bird flew toward a nearby branch to join in her song. The bluebird proceeded to whistle about, as the princess smiled and waltzed over belting ‘Hooray’ at a higher note. As the princess hit higher and higher notes, the bird twitted back struggling to not only keep up with her but mimicked her tune. Every challenging note, the bird strained to tweet higher. So overjoyed, Fiona sang louder and higher, holding that last horrible note. The bird trembled, its eyes bulged, it started to shake and convulse, while Fiona held her note…

*POP!*

The bird exploded in little blue feathers, nothing but its little legs perched upon the branch. Fiona was startled at first, eyeing guiltily toward the eggs the bird left behind in the nest. But then she shrugged and carefully picked up the three eggs, placing them in her basket. She only turned around very briefly when she noticed a deer, a buck, nibbling on some berries. She flitted over to it and sung.

Fiona twirled the deer right off a cliff (‘Oops!’). Having accidentally ripped off his antlers, she ditched them off the side.

Suddenly, a rat scurried past Fiona from her left toward her right (‘Huh.’). Intrigued, she spied another rat flying across (‘Hmm…’). And just then, Pinkie Pie skipped on playing a pipe flute. Eventually, she collapsed along the ground completely exhausted.

“Hoo-wee… I got to lay off the sweets!” Pinkie sighed.

“Why, good morning Pinkie Pie!” Fiona greeted.

“Oh, good morning princess!”

“What are you doing?”

“I saw a bunch of rats following this Pied Piper guy a few nights ago when we first got here. I’m trying to get them to follow me, but… I can’t quite get the tune right.”

“I think you may need to change your tune,” Fiona suggested, offering her hand. “May I have a try?”

“Well, okay!” Pinkie replied, handing the flute. “But I should tell you it took me years and years of practice before I was able to—”

But of course, Fiona played the flute expertly. Pinkie Pie watched this in disbelief as soon the forest was suddenly swarmed by a whole line of rats. Delighted, Fiona proceeded to join the dancing vermin as a big tap break took place between the princess and the rats.

At one point, Pinkie Pie proceeded to put on some funky 3D film glasses and the whole world transformed around Fiona and the rats. From Pinkie’s perspective, the rats were shifted into man-sized forms in hats and coattails. Fiona danced along with them, as Pinkie Pie was taken aback. But soon, Fiona’s teaching Pinkie the correct tune, which she caught on and soon even the party pony was dancing with the rats.

The Ever After High girls soon wandered on, watching all the insanity and completely agog. They stood silently as Pinkie Pie lead the rats out over the following verses…

Fiona held her arms outstretched, soaking up the sun and the glorious morning as Pinkie Pie returned and put the flute deep in her mane. It was then they finally saw the stunned Ever After High girls.

“Oh, why good morning, girls!” Fiona smiled.

“Mornin’,” Madeline answered, slightly concerned.

“Princess, did you by any chance eat a few of those funny little mushrooms by the stream?” Ashlynn asked.

“Of course not,” Fiona chuckled. “I’m just happy that it’s a new day, full of promise and fresh starts!”

The girls exchanged looks, then turned toward Pinkie Pie, who merely eyed the girls and just gave a sheepish shrug.

“And the first thing I’d like to do is apologize for my behavior yesterday,” Fiona added, regretfully. “We obviously got off on the wrong foot, and I’d like to make it up to you.”

“You would?” Apple raised her brow.

“How?” Raven asked skeptically.

“Well…” Fiona began nervously.

<>

A short while later…

Fiona was now frying the bird eggs over the campfire using a rock skillet to heat them up. The Ever After High girls helped with the additional arrangements, and just as the rest of the group slowly stirred away. The smell of the food aroused their senses, the majority taking note of Fiona. Meanwhile, some muttering drew the ponies to look at Donkey, who apparently was talking in his sleep.

“Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that,” Donkey spoke drowsily. “Come on, baby. I said I like it…”

Everyone and every pony else eyed him strangely for a moment.

“What kind of dream is he having?” Rainbow asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Quite frankly, I don’t wish to know,” Rarity answered disgusted.

“You’re probably right,” Rainbow nodded. “I’ve had similar dreams about me and A.J., like this one dream… uh, never mind.”

“Donkey, wake up,” Shrek shook Donkey.

“Huh? What?” Donkey groaned tiredly.

“Time to wake up, Donkey,” Fluttershy added gently.

Donkey slowly woke up, stretching his tired limbs before finally acknowledging everything going on around him.

“Good morning!” Fiona greeted kindly. “Umm… how do you like your eggs?”

“Oh, good morning, Princess!” Donkey greeted happily.

“What’s all this about?” Shrek asked.

“Yeah, I mean no offense or anything, but yesterday you were kind of a brat,” Spike voiced his honesty.

“Kind of?” Applejack chuckled.

“Not the time guys!” Twilight scolded, facing Fiona. “However, I do somewhat agree, Fiona. What brought about this change?”

“You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you,” Fiona responded. “I mean, after all, you did rescue me.”

Fiona got up and set the eggs in front of the three boys.

“Uh, thanks,” Shrek thanked awkwardly.

Donkey sniffed the eggs and licked his lips.

“They do look pretty tasty,” Spike admitted.

“And for the rest of you,” Fiona continued. “I’ve gathered a basket of berries for the trip, and I made you each a daisy chain!”

Fiona proceeded to present the ponies and Spike with their daisy chains.

“Oh my, look at these!” Rarity marveled. “They’re beautiful, princess. Aren’t they beautiful, Rainbow Dash?”

“Uhhh… ihhhhh…” Rainbow cringed.

Rainbow Dash wasn’t alone with this scenario. Shrek was also given a daisy chain, and from the looks of his face, he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it.

“You’ll grow to love ‘em, hun,” Applejack assured.

“And to make sure you don’t go hungry, we all pitched in and made blueberry pancakes,” Apple announced, presenting the dishes.

“Wait… Fiona cooked ‘three’ eggs for the boys,” Twilight pointed out. “How were you able to make the pancakes?”

Raven merely quirked her eye toward the alicorn princess and gestured with a hand as dark magic sprouted like an ignited flame.

“Oh… right,” Twilight smiled sheepishly.

“Well, eat up,” Fiona told them. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us.”

Fiona walked off, seemingly in a better mood than yesterday. Everyone else couldn’t help but eye one another with confusion.

“Is she on some new happy medication or something?” Raven asked.

“I’m not really sure,” Apple responded. “But she’s more pleasant, that’s for sure.”

“If it’s not Joy medication, maybe she really needed a good night’s sleep for once,” Pinkie smiled. “Whenever I get super sleepy, I’m a real grumpy pants and my family speaks from experience. Either that…or I wasn’t eating enough sugar. Speaking of which, I’ll definitely need some after finishing these pancakes.”

“I can help with that!” Maddie piped in.

Maddie picked up her little purse and proceeded to pull out an entire tea table. She then took off her tiny hat and pulled out her tea set and a series of miniature cakes and scones. She proceeded to pour two cups of tea and Pinkie happily hopped over to join her for tea.”

“Seriously, how do they do stuff like that?” Spike asked.

“Probably best we don’t know,” Briar responded.

<>

Later that day, the group departed from the cliff side and now made their way through a forest en route to Duloc. Shrek proceeded to release a large belch, much to the disgust of most of the group.

“Shrek!” Donkey scolded loudly.

“Honestly darling, must you be so uncouth constantly?” Rarity cringed in disgust.

“What? It’s a compliment,” Shrek reasoned. “Better out than in, I always say.”

This caused him to chuckle, while the others merely shook their heads.

“Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess!” Donkey scolded quietly.

“Much less a group of young ladies,” Ashlynn added.

“I burp all the time back at school,” Cerise shrugged. “Don’t know what you guys are complaining about.”

“You’re a different kind of young lady, Cerise,” Raven chuckled.

All of a sudden, Fiona released a large belch of her own. The whole group stopped in their tracks, staring at her in shock.

“Thanks,” Fiona smiled, before walking on.

“Well… that was certainly unexpected,” Fluttershy spoke, in shock.

“She’s as nasty as you are,” Donkey commented to Shrek.

“And certainly not what you’d expect from a princess,” Twilight nodded.

“Come on, Twi, I’m sure even Princess Celestia has her moments like this,” Rainbow protested.

Twilight couldn’t even begin to imagine Princess Celestia ever doing something un-princess like. However, there was at least one moment Twilight ‘did’ remember…

<>

Canterlot Castle…

Twilight Sparkle was invited to share dinner with Princess Celestia. Then all of a sudden, Celestia made a face prior to her last bite.

“Could you please excuse me, Twilight,” Celestia spoke.

Before Twilight knew it, she watched as her teacher excused herself to another room and the pupil sat wondering for what purpose. Then, all of a sudden, a massive belch echoed back toward the dining room and the ground shook beneath her hooves.

<>

Present time…

“Like I said…” Twilight cleared her throat. “Not what you’d expect at all.”

“Right…” Raven smirked, then faced Fiona. “So, Princess, do you often frolic with rats?”

“Wait, what?” Fluttershy lifted her brows.

“And what if I do?” Fiona replied.

“Well, I don’t know how else to say it, Princess,” Apple piped in, uncertain. “You know – germ-infested vermin – not exactly what any of us expected.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them,” Fiona smiled knowingly, walking off.

“Huh…” Spike nodded impressed. “You know… you say that only because deep down you’re more than just that traditional fairy tale princess you’re trying to make yourself out to be.”

“Definitely no Disney princess, that’s for sure,” Pinkie joked.

“Alright, yuck it up,” Fiona smiled, nodding. “Doesn’t bother me. Not today. After a lifetime of misery, things are finally going my way.”

“Oh, a lifetime of misery, right,” Shrek chuckled. “Okay—”

But even as they continued to stroll alone, Fiona wasn’t letting the exchange go.

“You chuckled,” Fiona spoke bluntly.

“I’m sorry?” Twilight apologized with confusion.

“Not you… him. When I said, ‘lifetime of misery’, he chuckled.”

“Did I?” Shrek asked coyly.

“Yes.”

“Look, before we start anything, I’m sure it was very difficult living in a dragon-guarded tower,” Apple reassured. “My friends and I understand what that’s like.”

“It was.”

“We’re positive,” Raven added.

“Alright then,” Fiona spoke, turning to go.

“Although, it must’ve been nice to have a roof, and a cozy bed,” Shrek voiced his opinion. “Which is more than I had when I left home.”

“You’re not actually comparing yourself to what I endured?” Fiona questioned intensely.

“I’m just saying you don’t corner the market on unhappy childhoods.”

“There are things you don’t know, ya know,” Fiona argued defensively. “About me. About how rough I had it!”

*Stop at 3:20… please*

“La liberte! HEY!”

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swung down and swooped Fiona away.

“Princess!” Shrek exclaimed in shock.

“What the hex was that?” Raven asked.

The princess and the unknown man landed upon a limb high in the trees. The man was none other than Monsieur Hood, also known as… Robin Hood. The man in green tights himself. Fiona broke away from Hood, who’s hand was around her waist.

“Oh! Wait, wait – what are you doing?!” Fiona exclaimed.

“Be still, mon Cherie, for I am your savior!” Monsieur Hood boasted. “And I am rescuing you from this green…”

Hood brought Fiona’s hand to his chest, then carpeted Fiona’s arms with kisses as she pulled back in disgust.

“… beast.”

From down below, the Ever After girls looked at each other.

“Is it just me or does he remind you of Sparrow?” Ashlynn asked.

“If I’m guessing correctly, he’s supposed to be this realm’s Robin Hood,” Raven replied. “So, that would make him Sparrow’s… father?”

“Well, he certainly shares Sparrow’s cockiness and arrogance,” Cerise spoke truthfully.

“I personally think he’s more like Daring,” Briar added. “So egotistical, so conceited, very full of himself… but still… a Charming…”

Monsieur Hood’s smile was met only with annoyance from Fiona, much to his confusion.

“Hey!” Shrek yelled. “That’s my princess! Go find your own!”

“Please, monster!” Monsieur Hood yelled back. “Can’t you see I’m a little busy here?”

Fiona gave Hood a one-handed push, jamming her finger into his chest.

“Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!” She said angrily.

“Oh! Of course!” Monsieur Hood smiled. “Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself.”

He cupped his hands and called to the woods:

“Oh, Merry Men!”

Down below, Pinkie once more felt a rather familiar sensation.

“Ooh… shaky legs!” She smiled brightly. “That’s three musical numbers in this whole chapter!”

“Oh great…” Rainbow groaned.

Suddenly, accordion music began to play… not from a certain party honey with the funniest haircut, but rather Friar Tuck on a swing. Out from the bushes popped the Merry Men themselves, the ‘literal’ Men in Tights. And they began to sing along with Monsieur Hood.

The Merry Men jump into some form of river-dance, Irish step, dance break of sorts while Monsieur Hood poses for a rather disturbed group.

Fiona, still up in the tree, looked down toward a musical sequence slowly turning dark. Her expression shifted from confusion to horror in a matter of seconds, as the Equestrians and Ever After the girls stepped in Shrek’s defense as Monsieur Hood pulled out his dagger by the final verse.

*BAM!*

Fiona swung down from the tree limb and kicked Monsieur Hood, sending his head colliding with a rock and knocked him unconscious. She landed with a back flip before the stunned group.

“What-the-WHAT?!” Rainbow’s eyes widened.

“Man, that was annoying!” Fiona sighed, agitated.

But while Shrek looked on in admiration, with everyone else staring in shock, the Merry Men were furious.

“Why, you little—”

One of the Merry Men fired his arrow toward Fiona, who quickly ducked out of the way. The arrow, along with several others, flew past few and towards the group. Donkey leapt into Shrek’s arms to get out of the way, while the rest ducked for cover, though the arrows pierced Applejack and Maddie’s hats toward a tree.

Fiona, meanwhile, displayed her martial arts skills as she barreled toward the archer. Before the Merry Man could retrieve another arrow, Fiona rammed him with a series of quick fists he could neither block nor dodge until one slam of her fist sent him flying. Another Merry Man tried to ambush from behind, only for Fiona to deliver a few back hands to the chest, then the head, and then whipped her ponytail, knocking him down.

Two of the Merry Men, one of whom possibly ‘Little John’, tried to either leap forward to grab her or ram her with a quarter staff. As Fiona took to the air to counter, time seemed to stand still with everyone frozen and the forest spinning about… but soon as Fiona adjusted her hair, she sent the men back with a split kick knocking them back. Upon landing, she immediately took off as Friar Tuck pursued her, while he was still playing the accordion. Fiona ran up a tree and leapt over the Friar. She charged as the friar desperately tried to hide behind his instrument.

*BAM!*

Fiona’s fist broke through Tuck’s instrument and straight to face, knocking him out cold. The last of the Merry Men charged with a roar behind Fiona, but she easily defeated him with a leaping kick knocking him out. By the end, one Princess was left standing while all the Merry Men, Monsieur Hood included, were left lying flat on the ground groaning in pain. Fiona walked away, stomping on one Merry Men, as she straightened out her dress and regained her composure.

“Uh, shall we?” She asked.

As the princess walked away, everyone else just stared after her. Shocked, with awe plastered on their faces, for a moment they were at a loss for words.

“Did… she just… kick Robin Hood and the Merry Men’s butts single-hoofedly?” Rainbow asked in disbelief.

“Eeyup!” Applejack nodded, drawing her hat back.

“That… was… so… AWESOME!”

The shock proved to be so great, Rainbow Dash nearly fainted before Applejack caught her.

“Sweet Celestia…” She sighed.

“Note to self: Never get on Fiona’s bad side,” Rarity declared.

“Agreed,” Pinkie nodded. “Also, I totally caught that ‘Matrix’ reference.”

“What?” Rainbow questioned.

“Nothing!”

“What?!” Apple exclaimed in shock. “But… how?! I thought princesses we’re supposed to be damsels in distress?”

“Probably should change the rulebook about fairy tales,” Raven replied.

Meanwhile, Maddie plucked the arrow off the tree and regained her tiny hat, frowning at the hole on the side.

“Aw… this was my favorite hat.”

Sighing, Maddie drew her hand toward the inside of her hat and pulled the material from the inside out… and her hat shifted to it’s original presentation minus the hole.

“Oh well, I suppose this will have to do,” Maddie smiled.

“Hold the phone,” Shrek spoke bewildered.

Taken aback, Shrek dropped Donkey and raced after Fiona.

“Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Shrek called after her. “Hold on now. Where did that come from?”

“What?” Fiona asked.

“That!” Shrek emphasized. “Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?”

Hearing such praise for her fighting skills, Fiona couldn’t hide the blush spreading along her face.

“Well…” Fiona chuckled. “When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a… there’s an arrow in your butt!”

All eyes turned as Fiona pointed downward, toward a small arrow jutting out of Shrek’s… behind.

“What?” Shrek checked himself. “Oh, would you look at that?”

“How are you so calm about this?!” Twilight flipped out.

“Oh, no,” Fiona groaned. “This is all my fault. I’m so sorry.”

Shrek lightly tugged at the arrow but stopped. Trying to pry the arrow only made him winced in pain. Eventually, Donkey caught up to the group.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Donkey asked rapidly.

“Now Donkey, don’t freak out,” Spike spoke slowly. “But Shrek’s… he’s hurt.”

“Shrek’s hurt! Shrek’s hurt?!”

Donkey, frantically, began scampering around hysterically.

“Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!”

“Donkey, I’m okay,” Shrek reassured.

“You can’t do this to me, Shrek,” Donkey rambled. “I’m too young for you to die! Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?!”

Fiona grabbed Donkey’s head and pulled it down to her.

“Donkey! Calm down!” Fiona spoke. “If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.”

“Blue flower, red thorns,” Donkey memorized. “Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek.”

Donkey began heading in one random direction deep into the forest but hadn’t gone very far.

“And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!”

“Donkey!” The group shouted.

“Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns…”

Donkey marched off, still chanting, until he was well out of earshot.

“Girls, Spike, can you go and make sure Donkey doesn’t get himself too lost?” Fiona asked politely.

“Sure, we’ll keep an eye on ‘em,” Applejack nodded. “Just one question: What’re the flowers for?”

“For getting rid of Donkey.”

“… Then, why would ya go an—”

“OOH…” Rainbow butted in. “Yeah, we’ll totally keep Donkey busy. Let’s leave these two to their… ‘business’. Come on, every pony!”

Rainbow wrapped a wing around Applejack’s shoulder and carted her away, as the rest of her friends followed suit. Once the whole group were gone, Fiona and Shrek were truly left alone. The ogre’s initial confusion slowly turned into a big grin.

“Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out,” Fiona instructed.

The princess reached to grab ahold of the arrow and began to pry. Shrek yelped and leapt away.

“Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’!” Shrek shouted.

“I’m sorry, but it has to come out.”

“No, it’s tender.”

They rambled back and forth as Fiona kept reaching out to grab the arrow with Shrek dodging every attempt.

“Now, hold on,” Fiona groaned.

“What you’re doing is the opposite of help,” Shrek warned.

“Don’t move.”

“Look, time out.”

Shrek placed his entire hand over Fiona’s face, stopping her in her tracks.

“Would you…”

Fiona stopped, realizing the ridiculousness of this scenario. Patiently, she took Shrek’s hand off her face.

“Okay. What do you propose we do?”

<>

Meanwhile, deeper in the woods, the Equestrians and Ever After girls had finally caught up with Donkey. By now, they watched as he hurriedly searched for the flower that supposedly could save their friend. They could barely keep it together due to the irony of the situation.

“Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns,” Donkey chanted. “Blue flower, red thorns – this would be so much easier if I wasn’t color blind!”

“Oh, then you definitely don’t want ‘that’ one,” Spike called out. “It’s a yellow flower, with red thorns.”

“Oh thanks Spike, you’re a pal,” Donkey spoke. “That would’ve been a disaster. Blue flower, red thorns—”

“Why’re we plum doin’ this to Donkey,” Applejack groaned. “It don’t feel right.”

“Aw, come on, hun,” Rainbow teased. “No one’s actually getting hurt.”

“Besides, I want to see how long he can keep this up,” Spike replied.

“I can always count on you for mischief, can I Spike?” Twilight smirked.

“You bet.”

Suddenly, they heard a loud ‘Oww!” as Shrek yelled from far away.

“Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’!” Donkey called out.

Donkey ripped a flower off a nearby bush, which just happened to be the blue flower with red thorns. The entire gang took off running, following Donkey’s trail back to their friends.

<>

Back in the clearing, Shrek laid upon the ground assuming the facedown position. Fiona stood over him, using both hands in an effort to remove the arrow as best as she can without hurting him.

“Ow! Not good,” Shrek groaned, in annoyance.

“Okay,” Fiona groaned. “N—Okay. I can nearly see it… it’s just about…”

Shrek cried out in pain and rolled over, knocking Fiona off her feet and caused her to land on top of him. For a moment, they stared into each other’s eyes and were seemingly lost in the moment.

“Ahem.”

Startled by Donkey’s interruption, the princess and the ogre looked up. The rest of the group, with the flower dropped at their feet, gave them a suggestive look.

“Why Shrek, you sly ogre you!” Pinkie giggled.

“Didn’t think you had it in you, big guy,” Rainbow smirked.

“Nothing happened,” Shrek assured, pushing Fiona off. “We were just, uh…”

“Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?” Donkey smiled mischievously.

“We would completely understand,” Maddie nodded. “After all, the horntail would never ease unless you scratch its belly with a toothbrush.”

Everyone looked at the deranged teenage hatter before shaking their heads and turned back toward the scene.

“On, come on!” Shrek argued. “That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just—UGGGHHH!!!”

Fiona quickly ripped the arrow out of Shrek’s butt with one great pull, sending the ogre groaning in pain. The Equestrians and the Ever After girls cringed at the reaction. He slowly turned toward Fiona, who playfully shook the arrow back and forth with a coy smile.

“Ow!” Shrek uttered quietly.

“Hey, what’s that?” Donkey chuckled nervously. “That’s… is that blood?”

And Donkey fainted, falling into a pile of leaves. Shrek casually picked him up and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. The three, along with their allies, continued their journey toward the kingdom of Duloc. Unbeknownst to the group, hidden within the shadow of the trees, Uncle Howdy’s dark figure (Along with his shadowy cohorts) watched after them.

“Oh my dearest Maddie, would they still love you… if they knew the truth?”

Fiona’s Secret

Author's Note

Really need to thank Drama again for doing so much work on this chapter and for being a great friend and helping me through these hard times I’m going through.

Fiona’s Secret

Later that same day, following their run-in with Monsieur Hood and the Merry Men, the group once more set forth for Duloc. Many were still rather in shock over the fact that Princess Fiona single-handedly took down those band of misfits, considering the fact this was the very same princess they were tasked to rescue. However, they also grew more aware of another growing development, something which had been going on during their travels.

The developing feelings between Fiona and Shrek.

The group first came upon a river with seemingly no path across, although clearly shallow enough to walk over. While Twilight Sparkle and her winged friends easily hovered across, Shrek climbed to the top of a tree and used his weight to bend it over and form a bridge. The remainder of the group, along with Fiona, were able to cross with relative ease. During which time, Fiona brushed a hand across Shrek’s back just as she reached the other side. Grinning, Shrek got up while Donkey was still crossing. The sudden whiplash sprung the tree back in place and launched the screaming Donkey in the air. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash zipped behind him and caught the Donkey just before he struck the ground flying him across the river.

“Thanks Dash,” Donkey thanked her.

“Don’t mention it,” Rainbow replied.

Later, while trekking through a field, Shrek and the others were frustratingly swatting away a swarm of flies that had been following them about. Using her wits, Fiona grabbed a nearby spiderweb from a tree branch and raced through the field, swinging it around and ensnaring the little bugs. She soon spun the branch to form a sort of cotton candy treat and handed it to Shrek as a snack. As he walked off biting it, she licked her fingers. All the while, every pony else struggled not to vomit over the disgusting sight.

“Sweet Celestia, how revolting!” Rarity cringed.

“I never thought cotton candy would be so gross,” Pinkie shivered.

“Me neither,” Maddie nodded in agreement.

Shrek soon caught a passing frog and blew it up into a balloon to offer to Fiona. In return, Fiona caught a snake and blew into its mouth, fashioning it into a balloon animal which she presented to Shrek. Soon Fiona started a playful shoving match with Shrek, with the ogre ultimately flinging her into the bushes. She threw a twig at him as they both laughed, releasing their balloons as Donkey leapt after them. The floating balloons in the air had not gone unnoticed by a particularly concerned Pegasus.

“Oh, those poor animals,” Fluttershy spoke worriedly.

Quickly, Fluttershy used her wings to propel herself up to the two floating, and inflated, animals…

<>

High up in the air, for what felt like an eternity, a Duloc knight had been hovering in the air following the events of the tournament (See Doctor Dragon’s commentary). By now, the knight had given up on any hope of coming down and had since remained in place with his arms folded, and his eyes crossed. No longer was he terrified of being so high in the sky, but rather he was downright bored.

All of a sudden, something caught his eyes and propelled him to turn. Two inflated animals, one frog and one snake, were seen floating toward him and he couldn’t help but wonder if this was an illusion or some form of magic. Before he could speak, a yellow winged Pegasus with a pink mane and tail flew toward the animals quickly catching them in her grasp.

“I’m so sorry about this, little creatures,” She apologized.

She soon caught sight of the floating knight, who merely just stared silently at the creature. For a few seconds, there was an awkward silence between the two.

“Hello, sir knight,” Fluttershy squeaked nervously.

“Afternoon…” The knight grunted.

Without a moment’s thought, Fluttershy proceeded to flew her way toward the surface until the knight was left all by himself again. He took a deep breath and released a heavy sigh as he stared toward the wide horizon overhead.

“This is stupid…” The knight grumbled.

<>

Moments later, Fluttershy quickly brought the two animals back toward the ground and proceeded to release the air out of them to the best of her ability. The animals were reasonably stunned by those previous seconds, but otherwise they were unharmed… to some extent.

“There, you’re alright now,” Fluttershy spoke soothingly. “Now you go about your days now.”

Soon, Fluttershy quickly took off to rejoin the remainder of the group all while the two animals just eyed one another and thought to themselves… ‘What just happened?’.

<>

Beyond the boundaries of the forest, there stood the old, abandoned windmill along a small rise. As our heroes broke out of the woods, strolling on without a care, Shrek and Fiona continued their bonding. Soon they were riffing, doing air-guitar, and pretty much acting like a pair of silly school kids. To suggest that Donkey, the Equestrians, and the Ever After girls were baffled by the sight was a gross understatement.

Fiona (Scats):
NYOO NYOO-NYOO
NYAH-NYAH-NYEOW!

Shrek (Scats):
NYOO NYOO-NYOO
NYAH-NYAH-NYEOW!

Fiona & Shrek (Scats):
WOW-YOW WOW-YOW
WOWWIE-YOWWIE-YOW!

Shrek (Scats):
CHUCKA-WONK-WONK
CHUCKA-WONK-WONK!

Fiona (Scats):
WIKKI-WIKKI-WIKKI… ETC…

Eventually, Shrek gave Fiona a brotherly shove, which prompted her to shove him back. He shoved her a slight too hard, and soon she was flying off into some bushes… again.

“You okay?” Twilight called out, concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Fiona laughed.

Seeing her emerge from the bushes, Shrek helped her to her feet. As they stood upon the fields of Duloc, which stretched all the way to Duloc Castle in the distance, for a moment the two were nearly nose-to-nose.

“Yoohoo! We’re here!” Donkey called out.

“What?” Fiona turned her head.

“Oh, wouldja look at that,” Shrek pointed out.

“What is it?” Fiona questioned.

“There… there it is, princess,” Shrek told her. “It’s… it’s Duloc… where your future awaits you.”

“Oh. That’s Duloc?” Fiona asked her.

“It sure is,” Twilight nodded. “Trust me, it’s actually a lotbigger once you get up close.”

“That’s what he said,” Spike snicked off the side.

This caused him to receive a stiff jab in the ribs, courtesy of a rather annoyed Twilight Sparkle.

“Ow!” Spike groaned.

Fiona stood with her arm along Shrek, pondering about her fate. But all of a sudden, Donkey butted in-between them to which they shrugged at each other.

“You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something,” Donkey spoke his opinion. “Which I think means he has a really…”

Shrek quickly interrupted Donkey with a stomp upon his hoof, causing Donkey to fall over in pain. To which Fiona gave Shrek a suspicious look.

“Oww!”

“Geez, neither of us ever get a laugh,” Spike rubbed his ribs. “I tell you Donkey; this is just ridiculous.”

“You said it,” Donkey winced, slowly getting up.

“Boys…” Raven groaned, rolling her eyes.

“You can say that again,” Apple agreed.

“I didn’t realize we were so close,” Fiona observed.

“No, me either,” Shrek shrugged.

“Well… congratulations to you princess,” Rarity declared. “Your true love awaits.”

“Yes… it does,” Fiona tried to smile.

“I’m just going to need to sit down for a minute,” Spike replied.

“No, no sitting down,” Shrek pulled Spike up. “We need to get the princess to Duloc.”

“Alright—I guess we better move on.”

“Sure…” Fiona nodded, then retracted. “No, wait, Shrek… I, um… well, Shrek? I’m—I’m worried about Donkey.”

“What?” Shrek asked.

“And what am I? Chopped liver?” Spike frowned.

“What are you talking about, Fiona?” Cerise asked.

“I mean, look at him,” Fiona gestured to Donkey. “He, he doesn’t look so good.”

In the eyes of the group, nothing seemed wrong with Donkey apart from perhaps a minor bruise from earlier. However, Shrek smiled knowingly at Fiona as if he knew what she was doing.

“What are you talking about?” Donkey asked confused. “I’m fine.”

Fiona merely knelt beside Donkey, taking his head in her hands.

“Well, that’s what they always say and then… then… then the next thing you know, you’re on your back.”

Donkey merely gave her a skeptical look, which made Fiona dart her eyes back and forth.

“Dead,” Fiona emphasized.

“Aw, come on!” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Don’t you think you’re being a little overdramatic?”

“You know, she’s right,” Shrek played along. “You look awful. Do you want to sit down?”

“Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea,” Fiona added.

“I’ll take that tea!” Spike called out.

“I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck,” Donkey admitted. “And when I turn my head like this, look.”

Donkey sharply leaned his head to the side, letting off a loud crack.

“Ow! See?”

Hearing that awful cracking sound, everyone cringed.

“Sweet Celestia, Donkey,” Rarity cringed. “I truly wish you wouldn’t do that. It is so unbelievably gross, not to mention uncouth.”

“Hmm… déjà vu!” Pinkie nodded.

“That sounds worse than the time Ah heard Big Mac and Sugar Belle getting’ busy in the barn,” Applejack added.

This caused Rainbow to turn skeptically toward her marefriend.

“You heard that?” She asked in disgust.

“Well, they weren’t bein’ mighty discreet,” Applejack responded. “They sounded like two grizzly bears fightin’ over salmon.”

“Okay, I really didn’t need that image in my head.”

It was then Twilight noticed Shrek and Fiona giving each other happy looks, as if confirming they’d made up an excuse to stall for time.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Twilight asked curiously. “I thought you wanted to get to Duloc sooner.”

“Well, I was just thinking…” Fiona admitted. “Maybe Duloc could wait until morning?”

“Morning?” Shrek asked curiously.

“Why not? I’ve spent my whole life without true love. What’s one more night?”

“Alright, who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.”

“I’ll get the firewood.”

Shrek and Fiona tried to head off, but of course walked straight into each other.

“Oops/Sorry!” Shrek and Fiona apologized.

“Were you gonna--?” Shrek gestured.

“That’s fine,” Fiona brushed off.

“I’ll go the other—”

“Okay.”

“You wanna go around/Should we just—”

“Go together?”

“Sure.”

Eventually, Shrek and Fiona walked off together, leaving Donkey and the rest of the group sitting there.

“Hey, where you goin’?” Donkey asked in panic. “Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes!”

“Donkey, it’s kind of hard for you not to feel what you’ve never had,” Rainbow pointed out.

Donkey looked down and began flailing his hooves.

“I don’t have any toes!” He panicked. “I think I need a hug.”

It was then Fluttershy and Apple approached Donkey from both sides. The girls quickly wrapped their arms around him, trying their best to calm him down.

“Just do us a favor, Donkey,” Apple advised. “Take deep breaths.”

“Everything is alright,” Fluttershy said soothingly.

After a moment or two of deep breathing exercises, Donkey eventually calmed down smiling toward the two girls as they pulled away.

“Thanks girls, I needed that,” He said gratefully.

“No problem at all,” Apple replied. “What are friends for?”

“They’ll be there for you whenever you need them,” Fluttershy nodded. “Always having your back, no matter what happens along the way.”

Spike sighed to himself as he sat upon the grass. All of a sudden, he felt something massage soothingly against his ribs and he started feeling better. He turned to the side and addressed Twilight Sparkle, who massaged against the sore spot on his brother figure’s side with a caring, and slightly apologetic, look on her face.

“Sorry about that…” Twilight apologized softly.

“Nah, it’s cool,” Spike replied casually. “Just fooling around. No biggie.”

Off to the sides, watching over the rest of her friends, a guilty look spread upon Maddie’s face. She had heard Fluttershy and Apple’s words from earlier. So many thoughts started forming through her twisted head. But unlike most of her thoughts, these were neither silly nor funny.

‘Friends will always be there for you,’ Maddie thought. ‘If they knew the truth, they probably wouldn’t be.’

<>

After some time, the sun had finally begun to set over the horizon overlooking Duloc. Shrek had since built a fire, which he used to cook a dish on a spit. Some of the group sat along with them, just idly chatting while Fiona ate. A certain pink party pony and a Donkey were spying off to the side. Pinkie’s hooves were held over her eyes as if pretending she were looking through binoculars.

“Donkey my boy, there’s definitely something going on around here,” Pinkie observed. “I’ve been watchin’, and the signals are clear.”

“Yeah, that nervous laugh when she brushes his skin,” Donkey pointed out. ‘The sweaty palms, the big dopey grin.”

“Hmmm-hmm-mmm…” Pinkie and Donkey stroke their chins.

“Just a giggle and a flip of her hair, and I can smell the pheromones in the air!” Pinkie observed, taking a deep sniff. “Yep… I know that one very well.”

“Makin’ goo-goo eyes over their food,” Donkey added. “They’re settin’ the mood and they’re not even realizing it.”

“Whomever doesn’t believe love is blind, clearly haven’t met some friends who think otherwise. I’m telling you Donkey, some pony’s got to turn up that heat, butter the pan, and not be so scared silly about it.”

“He’s just got to reach for her hand, maybe give her a kiss. See Pinkie? She’s just waitin’ for a move to be made.”

“They just got to switch into gear, gotta buckle down and give it a whirl! The scene’s set right out of a book with a sunset, a beautiful girl, lying naked together on the beach…”

“Uh… Pinkie?” Donkey eyed Pinkie uncomfortably.

“Oh, sorry!” Pinkie snapped out of her fantasy. “I just got caught up in the magic of the night! The fireflies… uh, forget it.”

While the two were talking amongst themselves from a distance, dinner went on without a hitch. If one would even call this ‘dinner’ at least.

“Mmm… this is good!” Fiona spoke between bites. “This is really good. What is this?”

“Uh, weed rat,” Shrek replied, taking another spit off the fire. “Rotisserie style.”

“No kidding!” Fiona said surprised. “Well, this is delicious.”

“Well, they’re also great in stews,” Shrek informed her, sitting beside her. “Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew.”

The ogre turned and noticed that the majority of the group had ‘obviously’ overheard what he just cooked up. The sickly green color upon their faces was a dead giveaway.

“Hey girls, take a bit of weed rat!” He called out. “You’ll love it!”

“Wha—Ooh, er, perhaps not Shrek,” Rarity gagged.

“I must agree with Rarity on this one,” Twilight groaned, trying not to vomit.

Poor Fluttershy merely trembled at the very thought of those poor rats and the manner of which they were cooked up. All the while Applejack tried her best to console her, briefly looking around.

“Where’s Spike?” Applejack asked.

“Don’t tell me he actually ate the weed rat,” Rainbow groaned.

To which Fiona turned over and shook her head.

“Oh no!” She replied casually. “He took only one bite, and he suddenly went away to wash the taste out of his mouth.”

She gestured with a thumb to the side and all eyes turned toward Spike, who screamed loudly as he knelt by a nearby pond. He furiously scrubbed his tongue with a toothbrush like there was no tomorrow.

“SO HORRIBLE!” He yelled loudly.

“I’ve had my fair share of meat in my life,” Cerise said, holding her hand over her mouth. “But that just ruined meat for me entirely.”

“This is exactly why I insist on being vegetarian,” Ashlynn nodded.

To which Fiona smiled in response. However, it quickly faded the moment her eyes caught sight of Duloc over the distance.

“I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night,” She spoke sadly.

Shrek merely gave a small nod, as the smile disappeared from his own face. But the smile quickly returned the moment an idea popped in his head.

“Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime,” He suggested. “I’ll cook all kinds of stuff for you – Swamp Toad soup, Fish Eye tartare – you name it. I’ll even make a batch of S’nothers.”

“S’nothers?” Fiona asked curiously.

“They’re traditional ogre campfire snacks. A little bit like S’mores but instead of marshmallow and chocolate, we use squirrel gizzards and mulch. Oh, they just melt in your mouth!”

“They sound delicious.”

“And a little nutty.”

After hearing all that, a few of the girls raced toward the nearby bushes and actually started vomiting over the mere thought. Somehow, the others managed to keep it down.

“Honestly Shrek, are you trying to ruin food for all of us forever?” Briar asked bitterly.

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” Maddie smiled. “In Wonderland, we have all sorts of bizarre cuisine.”

“Maddie, most of them only make you grow or shrink,” Raven told her friend. “At least they still taste good.”

“Good point,” Maddie nodded.

Fiona now intently looked at Shrek, smiling.

“Hmmm, I’d like that,” She replied to Shrek.

“Really?!” The group raised their brows.

“Well, I may not get another chance to try one of those S’nothers…” Fiona replied.

“You eat one and you may not get a chance to do ANYTHING!” Spike called out.

And yet, through all of that, Shrek was in the process of slurping down a rat’s tail and gave a laugh. For a moment, they gazed into each other’s eyes longingly for a few moments or two.

“Um… princess?” Shrek asked nervously.

“Yes… Shrek?” Fiona replied with a smile.

“I, um—well, I was… I was wondering—I was wondering—are you…”

Shrek realized he was starting to fumble over his words like a big idiot. With a heavy sigh, he pointed to the rat on her hand.

“Are you gonna eat that?” He asked casually.

Fiona, expecting a different question, removed the weed rat from the spit while Shrek sat annoyed by the words refusing to come out. As Fiona handed the rat to Shrek, he grabbed onto her hand. The two slowly leaned toward each other… until Donkey, Pinkie, andMaddie popped between them, interrupting the moment.

“Man, isn’t this romantic?” Donkey asked.

“Such a Kodak moment,” Pinkie nodded, wiping a tear off her eye.

“As sweet as Earle Gray,” Maddie smiled.

“What’s tea got to do with this?” Pinkie asked confused.

“Oh no, I mean my pet mouse, Earle Gray,” Maddie explained. “I’ll show you.”

Maddie reached out her hand and a tiny little gray mouse emerged from her sleeve, smiling toward Pinkie Pie with a tiny squeak.

“Aww, he’s really cute!” Pinkie sighed adoringly.

“You can say that again,” Donkey nodded, looking toward the setting sun. “Just look at that sunset.”

Fiona’s mood quickly changed, and she sat up abruptly to face the sunset.

“Sunset?!” She panicked. “Oh my gosh! Sunset! Oh no!! I mean… it’s late. I-It’s very late.”

She quickly began to back up toward the mill, looking toward the sunset with deep concern. Shrek and the others merely followed her glance.

“What?” Shrek asked confused.

“What’s wrong, Fiona?” Twilight asked worriedly. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I-I-It’s nothing, Twilight,” Fiona responded nervously. “Really, it’s nothing.”

“Wait a minute,” Donkey said skeptically. “I see what’s goin’ on here.”

Fiona turned toward Donkey, frozen in panic.

“You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?”

“Yes!” Fiona quickly replied. “Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.”

She smiled as she turned to walk up the windmill’s steps, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Don’t feel bad, Princess,” Donkey assured her. “I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until – Hey, no wait. I’m still afraid of the dark!”

Shrek groaned, while Fiona chuckled as Donkey looked around visibly spooked. Soon she was making her way to the door leading inside the windmill, ready to call it a day.

“Good night,” She said to the group.

“Good night,” Shrek respondd.

“Sleep well, Fiona!” Twilight added.

“And don’t let the bed bugs bite!” Pinkiy smiled giddily. “I’m serious about them bed bugs; they’ll creep up on you!”

Fiona went inside the windmill, giving on final look to Shrek before closing the door behind her. Shrek looked over to Donkey, who now looked at him with a knowing eye. Rainbow Dash quickly floated alongside him, giving Shrek a look.

“What?” Shrek asked.

“Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here,” Donkey said suggestively.

“Any pony with eyes can see what’s going on here, Shrek,” Rainbow smirked. “After all, you’re not exactly being discreet. And we did not come this whole way, puttin’ up with you and your body oder, just so you can let her walk away like that!”

“What’re you talking about?” Shrek asked.

Donkey trotted over to Shrek as he knelt by the fire, fiddling with one of the spits.

“I don’t even wanna hear it,” Donkey replied. “Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts, and I know you two were obviously digging on each other. I could feel it.”

“We’ve seen it ever since we left the cliff side the other day,” Rainbow nodded. “You’ve changed, you both have.:

“Oh, you’re crazy,” Shrek shrugged. “I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.”

“Oh, come on, Shrek!” Donkey rolled his eyes. “Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.”

At that point, the remainder of the group approached and found themselves involved in this conversation.

“I really must agree with Donkey on this matter, Shrek,” Rarity added. “It’s clear the two of you formed quite a connection in such a short amount of time.”

“You two obviously share so many similarities and the same interests,” Fluttershy nodded.

“You’re all crazy!” Shrek brushed off.

It was then Ashlynn stepped up before the rest of the group until she stood alongside the ogre.

“Take it from someone who’s had and lost love, Shrek,” She spoke sincerely. “When someone comes along and you truly feel a connection with them, you need to take that opportunity while you have it. Because one day, the person you care about could be gone forever and then you’ll be left wondering what might have been. My advice to you is to tell Fiona how you feel.”

Shrek merely groaned in annoyance as he stood up and turned toward the young princess.

“I—there’s nothing to tell!” He answered in irritation. “Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know – and I’m not saying I do, ‘cause I don’t – she’s a princess and I’m…”

“An ogre?” Twilight and Donkey said in unison.

“Yeah…” Shrek replied bitterly. “An ogre.”

Shrek tossed the spit aside and trudged away.

“You’re lyin’ to yourself sayin’ you don’t have any feelings for her at all, Shrek!” Applejack called out. “She needs to know.”

“Where you goin’?” Donkey asked.

“To get… more firewood,” Shrek replied.

Donkey and Pinkie Pie turned suspiciously over at the large pile of firewood already piled up. The rest looked on knowing that at this point Shrek ‘did’ need more wood… before the fire began to die.

Shrek himself sat upon the hill, where he could be alone to his thoughts as he gazed toward Duloc until night crept along the sky. It wasn’t until Shrek heard footsteps approaching behind him that he finally turned to see Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and the Ever After girls approaching. A sigh escaped his lips as he turned back around.

“If you’ve all come to convince me to talk to Fiona, yer wasting yer breath,” He sighed.

“That’s not why we’re here,” Twilight replied. “In fact, we figured we’d enjoy the view. This place does have its ups and downs, but you cannot deny the beauty when you take a good look.”

“Where’re the rest of your friends?” Shrek asked.

“They decided to take a walk with Donkey,” Twilight replied. “They won’t be gone long.”

Soon, the purple pony princess, her dragon assistant, and the six teenage girls sat alongside Shrek. For a while, they did nothing but look out toward the night. The stars glittering along a dark canvas and the moon shining ever so brightly.

“Twilight is right, it is a beautiful night,” Cerise said honestly. “Whenever I see the full moon up above, it always gives me peace of mind.”

“I agree,” Raven nodded. “It’s the perfect atmosphere for thinking.”

“Especially about things weighing heavily on your mind,” Briar added.

“Alright, I’m leaving,” Shrek spoke quickly, getting up.

“Whoa, hold up Shrek!” Twilight said urgently. “We’re not here to tell you to do anything; we’re just talking.”

Shrek really wanted nothing more than to just walk off and act like nothing was wrong. To have that sense of normalcy he had before these strangers came into his life. However, he found himself slowly sitting back down with the group with a skeptical gaze upon his face.

“Alright… talk,” He sighed.

“Shrek, there’s no use denying you clearly have feelings for Fiona,” Apple stated.

“For the hundredth time, no I don’t!” Shrek responded loudly.

“Who are you trying to convince, Shrek?” Twilight asked. “Us? Or yourself?”

Shrek took a deep breath and it appeared he was about to throw an angry response as usual. But then, once that breath eventually emerged, all he could really do was sigh to himself.

“Look, let’s say I did have feelings for Fiona,” He spoke hypothetically. “It wouldn’t matter anyway. I’m supposed to deliver her to Farquaad tomorrow anyway, I’ll get my swamp back, you and that fairy tale lot can have your freedom, and none of what happened today will even matter. Besides, there’s no way she’d ever love a big, stupid, ugly ogre.”

Twilight reached up and placed a hoof on Shrek’s arm, offering comfort. Shrek looked over at her, confused over the gesture but embraced it all the same.

“Shrek, you’re not a big, stupid, ugly ogre,” She spoke honestly. “You’ve just thought that way for so long you’ve actually believed it. You think the idea of your ideal swamp is the most you can ever have, but the truth is… I don’t think that’s what you really want.”

“Twilight’s right, Shrek,” Spike spoke up. “I know you don’t believe in true love right now. But if you did, we just want you to know we’re in your corner, buddy. Speaking from experience, you have to tell this girl what you’re really feeling deep down. If you don’t, you’ll never get another chance… and she’ll move on without you. Any reason you have to say otherwise will mean nothing. Just look into your heart… and you’ll find the answer.”

Shrek sat silently, pondering over his options. Finally, he stood up and walked off passing the group. They watched as he pressed onward down the hill, to get something – like a man on a mission. They all sat in that spot, watching proudly as they hoped to see that the ogre was finally about to make his move.

<>

Later that evening, Donkey and the other Equestrians had just come back from their nightly stroll. They still felt down over the fact that they couldn’t convince Shrek to share his feelings with Fiona, and hoped the others stood a better chance than they did. Not knowing how long it was going to take, they decided it was all up to them at this point. And so it seemed to be as they made their way to the door of the windmill with Pinkie Pie knocking on the door.

“Fiona? It’s your friendly neighbor Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie called out. “I know you don’t like to be bothered at this hour, but we really need to talk to you.”

Pinkie Pie waited for a moment, while the rest waited with anticipation. But not a response was heard, not even the slightest stir. So Pinkie knocked four times in rapid session on the door once more. Without waiting, she knocked again… and again… but just as she went for another set of four, the door swung open in an eerily fashion.

“That’s not ominous at all,” Rainbow remarked sarcastically.

Fluttershy shivered at the sight of the darkness, as Applejack and Rarity stood by her side. With Donkey at the lead, they stepped through the open doorway and into the windmill itself. Due to its state of abandonment, everywhere they looked there were cobwebs hanging over the shadows of the windmill and fallen beams in every corner. The interior itself was deathly still and the princess was nowhere in sight. The ponies proceeded to follow Donkey with extreme caution.

“Sheesh, what a dump!” Pinkie Pie remarked.

“This place could use a bit of sprucing up, I must add,” Rarity cringed, looking around.

“Princess? Princess Fiona?” Rainbow called out. “Are you in here?”

“Princess, where are you?” Donkey called out.

All at once, a group of birds flocked to the top of the open roof, starting Donkey and the others. Taking a deep breath, they pressed on with their eyes facing the darkness ahead.

“Princess?” Applejack called out.

“Your Highness?” Rarity came in.

Unbeknownst to the group, they were so concerned over what laid ahead of them, they failed to notice a hand gripping the rungs of a ladder.

“Fiona, it’s very spooky in here!” Fluttershy piped up nervously. “I really don’t want to play games; please come out!”

“It’s okay Fluttershy, Auntie Pinkie Pie has just the remedy,” Pinkie Pie smiled. “When things get scary, just do what I do!”

“Pinkie darling, please… don’t!” Rarity groaned.

“Don’t do what?” Donkey asked, confused.

Pinkie Pie (Sings):
When I was a little filly,
And the sun was going DOWWNNNAAAAHHHH!!!

In a matter of seconds, everything happened at once. Pinkie Pie was starting to sing while Fiona looked down toward Donkey and the other ponies cloaked in shadow. She tried to sneak away, from up above on the platform. Next thing she knew, the wooden plank broke and she fell down with a crash interrupting Pinkie’s song before it began. She landed on the flour with a scream, which in turn launched a cloud of flour into the air and completely covering the ponies.

“BAAAH—CHOO!!!” Pinkie sneezed.

“Bless you!” Rarity and Fiona spoke in unison.

Rarity gasped upon the sudden realization, and the group froze.

“Who… said that?” Donkey asked slowly.

Slowly, they turned their heads toward the darkness yet found themselves unable to tell who the figure was. But from what they could tell, it was so huge they towered over the Equines. Pinkie Pie started to shiver in panic, while Rarity stood completely silent and watched from the shadows all while the eyes of her friends went wide.

“AAAHH!!!” Donkey and the ponies screamed.

“IT’S A SCARY MONSTER!” Pinkie panicked. “EVERY PONY RUN!!!”

Pinkie Pie started running head over heels, even up along the walls, trying to stay as clear from the mysterious monster in the dark. While every pony else screamed with fright, the monster approached with its arms up.

“No, no!”

“No, help!” Donkey cried out.

“Please don’t eat us!” Fluttershy begged tearfully. “I beg of you! Please!”

“I taste like Brussel Sprouts!” Pinkie screamed, mid-run. “Honest! Ask any pony!”

“Shh!”

Soon the creature emerged from the cloud of flour, an ogress. The beast approached Donkey and the girls as Applejack and Rainbow Dash stood their ground in front of the frightened group.

“Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!” Donkey called out.

“Twilight! Spike! Anyone!” Fluttershy cried out.

“No, it’s okay! It’s okay!” The ogress assured.

“Stand back! I’m warnin’ ya!” Applejack warned, stomping her hoof. “Don’t come no closer now!”

“Yeah, what have you don’t to the princess?!” Rainbow threatened. “If you harmed her, I oughtta!”

“Rainbow, shh! I’m the princess!”

“A likely story!” Pinkie screamed. “HELP!!!!”

“MOMMY!!!” Donkey cried out.

“It’s me, in this body,” The ogress spoke softly.

“Wait…” Rarity peered, noticing the similarities. “That voice… the dress…”

“Oh my God! You ate the princess!!!” Donkey panicked.

“Princess Fiona, can you hear me?” Pinkie called to the ogress’s stomach. “It’s me! Pinkie!”

“Pinkie!” The ogress groaned.

“Don’t panic! Listen, just keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!”

“Pinkie! No!”

But Pinkie Pie was beyond listening at this point. She proceeded to thrust her hoof into her mane trying to find something that could free Fiona out of her predicament. She took out a glass slipper, a skull-shaped apple, a spinning wheel, a paper lantern, a saucy picture of Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich… which she put back in her mane, and a whole bunch of baking tools that weren’t even close to what she needed.

“Where’s a good scalpel when you need one?!” Pinkie squealed.

“Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!” Donkey shouted repeatedly.

“Twilight! Raven! Cerise!” Pinkie called out.

The ogress, claiming to be Fiona, covered Donkey’s mouth while Rarity used her magic to literally zip Pinkie’s mouth shut.

“Will you two quiet down and LISTEN!” Rarity yelled.

“This… is… me!” The ogress insisted.

“Fiona?” Pinkie muffled.

Donkey, along with the rest of the ponies, looked deep into her eyes. As the ogress pet the Donkey’s muzzle, calming him down, every pony was able to get a good look at her. Indeed the dress she wore was similar to Fiona’s choice of gown and the voice along was recognizable. But the eyes and her hair… they also matched Fiona’s. They all looked surprised and confused, so much that Pinkie Pie took out some reading glasses (Rarity’s) from her mane just to get a good look.

“Fiona?” The ponies, minus Rarity, spoke in unison.

“Princess…?” Donkey realized. “What happened to you?”

“Yeah… you’re, uh… uh… eh…” Pinkie fumbled her words.

“Different?” Fluttershy finished nervously.

“I’m ugly, okay?” Fiona spoke in frustration.

“No… no…!” Rainbow Dash shook furiously. “I mean, maybe… no… no, you’re not.”

“Wut happened to ya, yer highness?” Applejack asked calmly.

“Was it something you ate?” Donkey guessed. “’Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now—”

“Donkey! You aren’t helping!” Rarity scolded.

“No! I—I’ve been this way as long as I can remember,” Fiona explained.

“What do you mean?” Donkey asked curiously. “Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.”

“Neither have we,” Rainbow jumped in. “What is this? Some kind of secret super power or something?”

“It only happens when the sun goes down,” Fiona answered.

“So… it is a super power!” Rainbow smiled. “Now that’s awesome!”

“Hun, please!” Applejack scolded. “Let her talk.”

“Good Heavens Fiona, what happened?” Rarity asked.

Fiona leaned over a barrel filled with water, gazing upon her reflection. She found only the ogress staring back at her, and not the beauty she truly wanted to see.

“’By night one way, by day another—this shall be the norm,’” Fiona recited. “’Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form.’”

“Aww, that’s beautiful,” Donkey smiled. “We didn’t know you wrote poety.”

“That’s not poetry, Donkey dear,” Rarity shook her head. “It’s… it’s a spell, isn’t it?”

“It’s a curse!” Fiona sighed. “When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me.”

“A… a witch?” Fluttershy spoke nervously.

“Yes. So now every night when the sun goes down I become this… this horrible, ugly beast!”

Fiona smacked her reflection in the water, splashing it onto Donkey and Pinkie who shook it off like a pair of hounds.

“Oh darling, that’s awful!” Rarity spoke sadly. “I can’t imagine any creature doing something so cruel to a child.”

“Hold up! You said the person who cursed you was a witch right?” Pinkie asked curiously. “Was it a green witch? Did she have a pointy hat and wore black robes? Riding around on a broomstick, cackling with a raspy voice, and threatened to hurt your dog? That is, if you had one—”

“I don’t really know,” Fiona answered sadly. “I was too young to remember; I only know because my parents told me that’s how it happened. I was since placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me… like this.”

Fiona held her head and started to cry. Pinkie Pie proceeded to take out a box of tissues as Rarity levitated one toward Fiona.

“There, there… it’s going to be okay,” Rarity soothed gently. “I’m sure we can fix this somehow.”

“All right, all right, calm down,” Donkey spoke up. “Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly.”

“Yeah, it’s fine!” Pinkie brushed off. “We’ve seen wayworse!”

“Pinkie!!!” The ponies groaned.

Fiona merely looked up for only a few seconds. No matter how they looked at it, they couldn’t ignore where Fiona was coming from.

“Okay, I can’t tell a lie,” Applejack sighed. “You are ugly, but you only look like this at night.”

“No arguments there,” Pinkie nodded.

“Yeah, Shrek’s ugly twenty-four seven,” Rainbow added, then realized. “Wait a second! This is perfect!”

“Perfect?!” Fiona remarked. “Rainbow Dash, I’m a princess and this is not how a princess is meant to look. If Lord Farquaad finds out I look like this, he’ll never marry me!”

“Your Highness, I understand this is quite tragic,” Rarity spoke up. “But never, ever, ever say that to yourself. Any creature, including you, are still beautiful in some way. It’s not about how you appear on the outside; it’s what’s on the inside that counts. That’s the Fiona you truly are, and we’ve seen it in the short time we’ve been together.

“Look, we’ve been talking about this all afternoon and we all agreed… would it really be so terrible if you decided not to marry Farquaad?”

“It’s not a bad idea!” Fluttershy piped up shyly.

“I have to kiss my true love!” Fiona argued. “The kiss is the only thing that will break the spell and make me beautiful.”

“I’m with my friends on this one,” Pinkie Pie popped up. “Speaking as a pony who found true love, what if neither you nor him are meant to be? And even if he does marry you, it would only be out of duty and not of the romantic lovely heart-shaped candy stuff. You’d never get to spend a night sharing a bed because you won’t stand the sight of one another, and you’ll never share a talk without coming off as awkward. Honestly, I think you’d be better off with someone else!”

“Who?” Fiona asked sadly.

“Well, you know, um… you’re kind of an ogre,” Donkey pointed out. “And Shrek… well… you got a lot in common.”

“Shrek…” Fiona lifted her head.

“Sure! He’s really not so bad once you get to know him,” Rarity nodded in approval. “Of course, he can be cranky, moody, and grumpy… not to mention rude, crude, and… no respect for personal hygiene. But it’s clear you both formed quite a connection. And whether you know it or not, the only reason Shrek is being nicer than he was when we met him… is all because of you. He’d never have been so open about himself if it weren’t for rescuing you.

“The least you can do is talk to him about it. What do you think it would cost?”

<>

Speaking of Shrek, as all that was going on, the ogre himself was approaching the windmill as Twilight, Spike, and the Ever After girls followed closely behind him. In his hand, he held a sunflower and during his brief walk he had been rehearsing to himself.

During the song, Shrek felt a claw upon his shoulder and turned to the side. Spike stood beside him, smiling with understanding knowing just what he was going through. And he knew then just how to help the ogre.

“You’re going to be perfect, Shrek,” Ashlynn smiled.

“You got this big guy!” Cerise gave a thumbs up.

“Fiona will love the flower,” Twilight assured. “I promise.”

“Okay… here we go,” Shrek nodded.

“Go for it!” Spike nodded.

With his mind made up, Shrek approached the windmill as the group looked on with anticipation. He stopped at the foot of the door and lifted his free hand to knock. But then, he suddenly overheard Fiona talking with Donkey and the other Equines. He leaned towards the door to hear what they were saying.

“I can’t think about Shrek. Not now,” Fiona explained. “I’m a princess after all; I can’t just marry whoever I want.”

“Who says you can’t?” Rainbow asked. “That’s a stupid rule if you ask me.”

“Rainbow… please!” Applejack hissed. “Fiona… why are you so against the idea?”

“Take a good look at me, Applejack!” Fiona demanded.

“But we are looking!” Pinkie insisted.

“I mean really… who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? ‘Princess’ and ‘ugly’ don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek.”

Shrek stepped back in shock, misinterpreting the conversation’s meaning. But from how he heard it, she was talking about him. She was referring to the ridiculous nature of a princess as beautiful as Fiona wanting anything to do with a beast as hideous as him. That all the comradery they had together, all the fun times they shared, and the meals they had, a whole day of traveling, talking, and laughing… all that meant nothing to her at all.

“Are you sure there’s not even just one teeny, tiny chance for Shrek?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love,” Fiona clarified. “Don’t you see, everyone? That’s just how it has to be.”

Shrek heaved with a deep sigh, thrust the flower upon the foot of the door, and stormed away. Twilight, Spike, and the Ever After girls saw Shrek approaching them so angrily huffing the air so violently.

“Shrek, what happened?” Apple asked concerned.

“What did she say?” Twilight asked additionally.

“Go away…” Shrek muttered, walking ahead.

“Shrek, wait a minute!” Spike called out, following him. “Look, did she say anything? I’m sorry if whatever she said hurt you… I know what it's like to feel rejected when a girl doesn't love you back… but maybe if we can talk about it—”

“WILL YOU JUST DROP IT ALREADY?!” Shrek snapped at Spike. “YOU’RE A DRAGON! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE?! Why don’t you just go back to your mamby-pamby pony friends and get out of my life!!!”

Spike stood frozen in shock as Shrek stormed off in a huff down the hill and into the dark toward the castle. Spike could feel tears struggling to leak out as Twilight and the girls gathered around him, comforting the young teenage dragon. And all the while, as Spike just stood there hurt and betrayed, Twilight turned back toward the windmill wondering just what happened.

<>

Meanwhile, inside the windmill…

“It’s the only way to break the spell,” Fiona concluded.

“Well, you at least gotta tell Shrek the truth,” Donkey advised.

“If he knew all this, I think maybe—” Fluttershy offered.

“No, he can’t know!” Fiona objected. “And you can’t tell him! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.”

“What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?” Pinkie whined. “Believe me, I tried… it’s not as funny as it looks!”

“Honestly Fiona, ya can’t keep something this big a secret forever,” Applejack warned. “Sooner or later, our friends are bound tah find out.”

“Promise you won’t tell. Promise!” Fiona begged.

“All right, all right, I won’t tell him,” Donkey sighed.

“But you should,” Pinkie advised. “We shouldn’t have to do the telling. If any pony’s going to tell Shrek the truth, it’s you. One way or another, Shrek will find out. If you still want to at least be friends with him, you have to Pinkie Promise that you’ll tell him when the time is right.”

To say that Princess Fiona was confused over her words was an understatement.

“What’s a Pinkie Promise?” Fiona asked. “I never heard of it.”

“Oh, it goes a little something like this,” Pinkie explained, with the gestures. “’Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.’ Now you try it.”

“All right, I, Fiona, Pinkie Promise to tell Shrek the truth when the time comes,” Fiona promised, performing the moves. “’Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.’”

“Good, now I reckon we all better get some sleep till we figure all this out,” Applejack advised. “But remember Fiona, ya wouldn’t be goin’ tah this weddin’ right now if not for us or Shrek. If Shrek done finds out what happens to you, and you didn’t tell ‘em, he’s goin’ to be miserable for the rest of his life. And that’s the truth.”

With all of that settled, Donkey and the Equestrians proceeded to step outside the windmill and back into the cold night.

“I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy,” Donkey mumbled. “Look at my eye twitchin’.”

Fiona peered through the open doorway and watched the group walk away back to the campfire. Her eyes darted down and spotted the sunflower left by the door. Picking it up, she looked around wondering how the flower got here or where it came from. She decided to head back inside, sealing the door behind her, and settle in for the night. As she closed the door, the girls and Donkey were just starting to gather by the fire when Twilight and the others returned.

“Hey guys, how’s Fiona?” Twilight began.

“Um, Twilight darling, can we talk about it tomorrow?” Rarity offered. “It’s been a long night and we’re very tired.”

“Okay…” Twilight sighed, settling down.

Rarity soon turned and spotted Spike making his way down the path far from the comfort of the fire.

“Spikey-wikey, is everything all right?” Rarity asked concerned.

“Not now…” Spike answered, without looking.

Rarity was rather surprised as she watched the teenage dragon storming as far from the windmill and away from the group as possible. The group looked on worriedly as they took their positions around the fire. They hoped for Spike’s well-being as they slowly started to fall asleep.

By now, Spike had hiked as far as he could before taking a seat on a stump in the woods. He sighed heavily, clutching his arms around his shoulders as the cold night air swept over him. Spike struggled to contain his sadness, as he looked up toward the sky and the bright moon hanging overhead.

“He just said that out of a broken heart…” Spike told himself, sniffing. “That’s all it is, and he doesn’t mean anything. It’s not true. I’m a dragon yes, but I do know what love is. I know plenty about it… do I?”

Spike didn’t really expect any answer nor that he cared if anyone would listen. He’d had his self-esteem tested before, and he usually recovered as swiftly as it came. So, how would this be any different? Why should he let what an ogre said affect him knowing that they likely wouldn’t see him again anyway? Why was it that when Shrek said stuff like that… it pained him?

Turned out, someone was sharing his pain. Madelyn Hatter, standing within the shadows of the trees watching Spike as he sat alone on the stump. She took her little hat off her head, as she watched sadly toward the group. Reaching through her hat, she removed what appeared to be a locket of sorts. She opened it, and the locket played music as she gazed at two pictures inside. One was Maddie along with her family in a family portrait, and the other featured her… with all her friends… the ones she was with now… and all the others taken from them during the Red Thronecoming. A rare trace of sadness formed on her own face, as her own tears started to shed for a pain she’d been harboring for a while.

“I went along my merry way, and I never stopped to reason…” Maddie sniffed. “I should’ve known, there’d be a price to pay… someday… someday…”

Break Down

The following morning, the sun had begun to rise over the horizon and slowly blanketed the red woods in a magnificent golden light. Outside the windmill, which was still slightly dark, Donkey and the remainder of the group slept peacefully. Eventually, the lavender eyes of Twilight Sparkle herself slowly opened as she blinked away the tiredness. She sat up, stretched her tired limbs, and released a small yawn. Soon the rest of the group, minus Donkey and Pinkie Pie, slowly came around shortly after. The princess scanned the area seeing two of their friends sleeping peacefully; however, she saw no sign of Shrek.

“Where’s Shrek?” She questioned.

“Who knows?” Rainbow yawned. “Probably out looking for more rats for breakfast or something.”

“And… my appetite is gone,” Rarity cringed in disgust.

“I hope he’s alright after what happened last night,” Apple said worriedly.

“Why? What happened to Shrek last night?” Fluttershy asked curiously.

“It’s a long story,” Twilight responded.

“Well, there ain’t no hurry,” Applejack pointed out. “We’ve got plenty ah time.”

Before Twilight could begin to share, her eyes glanced over and spotted Spike sitting with his back towards the group. Though unable to see his face, she could just tell from the demeanor expressed through his body language that he was still upset after last night. She got up, slowly walked over, and sat down beside him. At first, they just sat together with nothing to say while Spike hardly acknowledged her presence. He just sat on that stump, his head resting in the palm of his claws, a sad look upon his face.

“Spike, are you okay?” She asked concerned.

“I couldn’t sleep,” He answered somberly. “I can’t believe Shrek said that about me. Even after I told myself that he didn’t mean anything, that what he said was out of heartbreak, it still hurts.”

Twilight merely reached over and placed a gentle hoof upon the dragon’s shoulders. A cry barely escaped Spike’s lips before he slowly leaned onto her shoulder, trying so hard not to tear up.

“I’m really sorry Spike,” Twilight apologized. “It’s all our fault; we pushed him too hard. Maybe if we’d just stayed out of it, and focused on our mission, maybe things would be different.”

“No, we did the right thing,” Spike shook his head. “At least… I thought we did. I shouldn’t be so upset over something as simple as a misunderstanding. I know this… but you want to know what I hate the most? That a wedge was forcibly driven between me and probably the only other guy friend I’ve met here. I thought I met someone else who understood me; now I know the truth. He only wanted to be friends when it was ‘convenient’ for him.”

“Oh, Spike…”

“Hey guys!” Apple called out.

The pony and the dragon turned briefly as Apple White approached the pair, catching a look of concern on her face.

“Pardon me for interrupting, but have either of you seen Maddie?” Apple asked worriedly.

“I thought she was with you,” Spike responded.

“She was last night, but now we can’t find her. It’s like she just disappeared.”

“Oh no…” Twilight groaned. “First Shrek disappeared, and now Maddie’s wandering Duloc by herself. Can anything go right today?”

<>

Meanwhile, while everyone else was talking, the ogress version of Fiona sat alone inside the windmill. Ever since last night, Fiona had been debating whether or not to tell Shrek the truth, about her dark secret. She’d since been picking the petals off the sunflower she found last night, pondering her future.

“I tell him, I tell him not,” She said, picking the petals. “I tell him, I tell him not…”

Eventually, Fiona was down to the last petal left off the sunflower. Seeing the answer just before her eyes, a smile crept across her face.

“I tell him!” She said eagerly. “Shrek!”

The ogress opened the door, quickly stepping outside.

“Shrek! There’s something I want…”

Fiona looked around, hoping to find a trace of Shrek. But the ogre wasn’t there, all she could see was Donkey and Pinke sleeping (The former lying on his back). As Fiona looked around, her eyes spotted the rising sun which began to crest the sky. Suddenly, a shimmering force swept over the princess as she covered her gaze from the blinding rays and within a matter of moments, her ogress appearance vanished. Her figure had resumed its slim appearance, the long rodlike ears were replaced with normal ears, her nose had taken on a petite appearance, and her green complexion was replaced with a more human lightness. By now, the rest of the group had quickly returned only to find Fiona standing there, looking out toward the rising sun.

“Fiona?” Ashlynn spoke up. “What’s wrong?”

At first, the princess didn’t know what to say. She was prepared to start telling Shrek, even the rest of the group, the truth about why she avoided being around them every night. But now back in her human form, she had no proof nor any evidence to explain to her friends how she was more than what she seemed. But as it turned out, that wasn’t the only thing on her mind. Because even before daylight arrived, before the spell wore off for just this brief moment, an epiphany had come over her. One so great, she couldn’t really say what she was feeling… but instead, she’d rather ‘sing’.

Fiona (Sings):
Good morning, dawn.
Good morning, day.
Good morning, mourning dove.

I had a long
And sleepless night,
Pondering true love.

My fairytale
I know so well
Has somehow gone awry.

Looks can be
deceiving
But feelings cannot lie.

Do I love him…?

“Love… him?” Ashlynn raised her brow.

“You mean…?” Rarity realized.

Fiona (Sings):
Last night I was uncertain,
But this morning…
This morning…
This morning…

Just before the princess could finish, she stopped upon seeing a silhouette crossing through the morning light. Shrek stomping toward her just from over the horizon. She quickly hurried over to him as everyone, and every pony else, looked on.

“Shrek!” She greeted happily. “Thank goodness! Are you all right?”

She placed a hand onto his arm, but to her surprise he nudged it away and walked past her.

“Perfect!” Shrek replied bitterly. “Never been better.”

The remainder of the group quickly gathered alongside Fiona. Half of them were slightly surprised by Shrek’s response, but not as greatly as Fiona. Still, she was determined to tell him straight away of the nagging feeling that had been plaguing her mind… a promise she was determined to keep.

“I… I don’t… there’s something I have to tell you…”

“You don’t have to tell me anything, princess,” Shrek replied angrily. “I heard enough last night.”

“Oh. You… you heard what I said?” Fiona asked, shocked.

“Every word.”

Shrek sat down upon the windmill steps, facing Fiona with a heavy glare. By now, she was more taken aback than before.

“I thought you’d understand,” Fiona said.

“Oh, I understand.” Shrek retorted, with hurt in his voice. “Like you said, ‘Who could love such a hideous, ugly beast?!’”.

“But… I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.”

“Yeah? Well, it does.”

Fiona looked upon him in shock, tears welling in her eyes. Just before things could get out of control, before further words could be released, the rest of the group tried to intervene.

“Shrek, you don’t understand,” Rarity added quickly. “You don’t know the full story.”

“Stay out of this!” Shrek snapped at her.

“Shrek please!” Fluttershy urged. “If you’d just listen—”

“Why should I?!” Shrek snapped. “Why don’t you just shut your mouth and pet some cute little animals or something?! That’s all your good for anyway!”

Fluttershy reeled back, hurt by the ogre’s choice of words. Now her tears started to escape her eyes, a sight of which made every pony, dragon, and human around her shocked and upset. Of course, the angriest of them all was Rainbow Dash, who flew toward his face with a great rage.

“Hey!” She yelled. “Listen up, block head! No pony… I repeat… NO PONY MAKES FLUTTERSHY CRY!!! Here we are trying to explain things to you, to sort this out like adults, but you… you’re just acting like a big, fat… JERK!!!”

“Get out of my face!” Shrek growled angrily.

“Why don’t you make me…!”

Before the heat between the two grew intense, Applejack quickly ran up and grabbed her marefriend’s tail in her teeth. She pulled the tomboy pony back, yanking her back down to the ground.

“Calm down, sugarcube,” She said. “It ain’t worth it.”

Suddenly, the sound of approaching footsteps drew Shrek to look past the group.

“Ah, right on time,” He declared. “Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.”

Shrek gestured toward the group, as all eyes turned and widened with shock.

Farquaad’s Voice (Singing):
FIOOOONA!
Fiona- Fiona- Fiona-Fiona!
Fiona- Fiona- Fiona-Fiona!
FIOOOONA!

Before their very eyes, Farquaad himself arrived on horseback, appearing much taller than usual. Along with him was an escort of guards, the sun gleaming along their armor and some of the girls covered their eyes to avoid the light. By now, as the guards marched by, Pinkie Pie and Donkey woke with heavy yawns.

“Whoo-wee, there’s nothing like a good night’s sleep,” Pinkie stretched her shoulders.

“What’d I miss?” Donkey yawned tiredly. “What’d I miss?”

One of the guards loomed over them and they began to scurry away, the Donkey muttering to himself.

“Who said that?” He muttered under his breath. “Couldn’t have been the donkey and the pony.”

The rest of the group backed away from the approaching entourage of Farquaad and his men, taking their position before the ogre himself. Twilight turned toward Shrek, the disappointment clear upon her face.

“You didn’t!” She hissed in disbelief.

“So what if I did?” Shrek snipped back.

Soon, Farquaad reared his horse back with a great ‘Whoooa’ as he they stood in front of the group, particularly toward Twilight Sparkle.

“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle,” Farquaad smirked.

“… You’re welcome,” Twilight muttered.

“Not you…” Farquaad smirked. “We named the ‘plastic horse’ Twilight Sparkle!”

To prove his point, Farquaad smacked along the horse’s flank… which made an echo as sound vibrated off the hollow body of what truly was a ‘plastic horse’. Twilight glared toward the smug lord, unamused by that remark… and clearly insulted.

“I was going back and forth between Seahawk or Sprinkles… then I thought, ‘Condeleeza maybe…’ but no… Twilight Sparkle fits the marketing better.”

“… Charmed,” Twilight spoke dryly.

To suggest that Fiona was confused over this whole scenario was an understatement. Her eyes turned from Shrek to Farquaad, trying to piece together exactly what just happened. Finally, the lord himself addressed the human princess before him.

“Princess Fiona?” Farquaad spoke in adoration.

“As promised,” Shrek spoke to the tiny man. “Now about my swamp—”

“Very well, ogre,” Farquaad sighed. “The deed to your swamp has been put in your name. Cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.”

Shrek snatched the deed out of a guard’s hands and stormed away. The Ever After girls were put off by this exchange. Apple White and Raven Queen reverted their attention back to the long-awaited Lord Farquaad.

“And what of the fairytale creatures?” Apple White pointed out.

“You promised you wouldn’t hurt them if we agreed to the quest,” Raven reminded.

“Fairytale creatures?” Fiona turned, puzzled.

“The truth is Fiona… we didn’t take part in this quest ‘just’ to rescue you,” Twilight admitted. “We did this for those creatures who were forced to leave their homes.”

“I wouldn’t worry so much of your fairytale friends,” Farquaad spoke bluntly. “We arranged a more appropriate home where they won’t bother anyone for a long, long time. And as for the rest of you… just be lucky I’m only here for ‘one’ thing. Now, step away.”

The whole group exchanged looks toward Fiona and Shrek, reluctantly stepping back as Farquaad finally turned his attention to Fiona.

“Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me,” Farquaad told Fiona. “For I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.”

“Lord Farquaad?” Fiona gasped, composing herself. “Oh, no, no. Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short…”

One snap of his fingers and Farquaad was lifted off his horse by his guards. Left behind the horse was a large set of gauntlets and a pair of leg extenders that reached down to the stirrups, which made him look tall on the saddle. Set down before her, Fiona paused once she saw Farquaad in his true state. He stood at four and a half feet, much shorter than Fiona. Her nervousness turned to bemusement, as she awkwardly smiled.

“… farewell.”

Off the sidelines, Pinkie chuckled over the unintended pun.

“I knew she’d get the joke,” She whispered, giggling.

“Shhh!!!” Everyone shushed.

Pinkie’s eyes widened before she grabbed a zipper out of nowhere and literally zipped her mouth shut. Meanwhile, Farquaad was still in the midst of ‘wooing’ the fair princess.

“Oh, that is so sweet,” He thanked her. “But you don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.”

Fiona looked up toward Shrek, who’s back was turned away from the group. He stood there with the deed to his swamp, reading the fine print and barely even turning toward her. For the princess, so many emotions raced through her head in a single moment. Sadness, betrayal, but mostly… anger. She was about to speak until…

“You’re right.”

A male voice answered Farquaad’s question, causing all eyes to turn toward the bitter teenage dragon. Everyone stood in shock for Spike speaking up, even Farquaad was taken aback.

“What?” Farquaad spoke confused.

“It’s just an ogre,” Spike said bitterly. “What does it know about feelings?”

“Spike…!” Rarity gasped.

Spike merely turned away with a ‘Harumph!’, refusing to make any eye contact with Shrek at all. Whether or not Shrek even addressed the dragon or not, Spike had made his point.

“Spike’s right, girls,” Fiona agreed bitterly. “It doesn’t.”

But there was no denying this fact about Shrek. Even as still stood nearby, even with his back turned, the comments hurt. Hearing it from the princess was bad enough, but now hearing it from Spike… using last night’s words against him… that really stung. Donkey watched the entire exchange alongside Pinkie Pie, their faces heavy with confusion wondering ‘What’s happening?’.

“Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona,” Farquaad spoke fondly. “I ask your hand in marriage.”

Farquaad got down on one knee… sort of… and took Fiona by her hand. He pulled her down sharply.

“Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?”

Not answering right away, Fiona made one last eye contact with Shrek before he turned away. Her sadness shifted to bitterness further, while the rest of the group shook their heads.

“Don’t do it, Fiona,” Raven whispered.

“You accept this, there’s no going back!” Apple whispered as well.

“Fiona, please…” Twilight silently begged.

But sadly, much to the chagrin of the ponies and all their friends, Fiona’s mind was made up.

“Lord Farquaad… I accept…” She responded, glaring at Shrek. “Nothing would make me—”

“Excellent!” Farquaad interrupted. ‘I’ll start the plans… for tomorrow we wed!”

“NO!”

Everyone was taken aback by the sudden shift in Fiona’s response. Even Shrek spun his back around, actually showing a hopeful look on his face. Farquaad looked on in confusion as Fiona tried regaining some form of composure.

“I mean, ah, why wait?” Fiona chuckled nervously. “Let’s get married today. Before sunset.”

Shrek scowled, any hope he was starting to build up smashed into a billion pieces all over again. Once more, he turned away unable to bear the sight of something so ‘cruel’.

“Oh! Anxious are we?” Farquaad grinned mischievously. “You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do!”

Farquaad snapped his fingers, and the guards lifted him onto his horse. One guard offered Fiona assistance, but she lifted herself upon the saddle entirely on her own.

“There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! Tell them it’s a Code Red! We’ll be married by sunset!”

The Equestrians and Ever After groups watched as Fiona, Farquaad, and his guards set off towards Duloc. Fiona gave Shrek one last spiteful look.

“Fare thee well, ogre,” Fiona said bitterly.

Meanwhile, Donkey and the rest of the group caught up with Shrek, who by this point started to walk a separate path into the woods.

“Shrek, what are you doing?” Donkey asked urgently. “You’re letting her get away!”

“Yeah? So what?” Shrek questioned.

The pink party quickly hopped in front of the ogre and tried to argue against him. But with her mouth zipped shut, her exchange of words was heavily muffled leaving the ogre confused and annoyed. Realizing the situation, Pinkie groaned and unzipped her lips before hurling the zipper off to the side.

“Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know,” Pinkie gasped, catching her breath. “It’s like this: I—well ‘we’—we talked to her last night. And she’s—”

“Yeah, I know you talked to her last night,” Shrek interrupted, with hurt in his voice. “You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you’re all such good friends, why don’t you all follow her home?!”

“Shrek stop, at least listen for a minute!” Briar plead.

“What y’all heard last night ain’t what ya thought it was,” Applejack reasoned. “After all we’ve been through, ya really think Fiona would say anything bad about ya?”

“I heard with my own two ears!” Shrek retorted. “I can’t believe I was actually stupid enough to listen to all of you! For a moment, I actually considered you friends!”

That statement really hurt everyone in the group, Spike especially.

“We were friends!” Spike spoke, a mixture of sadness and anger. “Despite everything, we’ve stuck beside you since the beginning. Through thick and thin!”

“That’s right Shrek!” Donkey nodded. “We need to stick together; we want to go home with you.”

“Hey, I told you already, didn’t I?” Shrek asked loudly. “You’re not coming home with me! I live alone! My swamp, me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially whining prissy princesses, sickly optimistic ponies, hopeless romantic dragons, or useless – pathetic – annoying – TALKING DONKEYS!”

Everyone and every pony reeled back from Shrek’s angry rant, absorbing the ogre’s words, and letting it all sink in. There’s was no denying the inevitable; all of Shrek’s words sincerely hurt them. After everything they’d been through, every trial and tribulation, hearing him say all those words cut them like a knife to the heart. Many of them had no idea what to say after that. But probably none more so than Donkey, who suddenly found himself fumbling with his own words.

“How… dare you!” Rarity gasped tearfully.

“But – I thought –” Donkey began.

“Yeah, well, you know what?” Shrek interrupted, walking away. “You thought wrong!”

As he walked away, the broken-hearted ogre began to express his pain and sorrow through song.

“Shrek, it’s not what you think!” Twilight yelled, running after him.

“Just let us explain!” Apple yelled.

And just as the song finished, everyone stood sadly and watched as Shrek disappeared into the horizon, returning to his swamp, and stealing himself away so he’d be more alone than ever.

“Shrek…” Donkey whimpered sadly.

“Let him go, Donkey,” Spike frowned.. “He wants to be a miserable jerk for the rest of his life, let him be! Farquaad was right; he doesn’t have feelings.”

Spike turned to walk away when once more Twilight approached him.

“Spike, I know Shrek said—”

“I SAID LET HIM BE!!!”

Twilight Sparkle reeled back, as Spike violently turned his head toward her. The words came out in a deep, heavy growl, his eyes turned red with rage, smoke simmered from his nose, and even veins popped alongside his neck. Everyone else gasped over Spike’s sudden shift in mood, until the dragon’s usual demeanor returned, and he slapped his hands over his mouth. For a moment, Spike stood there wondering what just came out of him. Ashamed, and unable to utter a syllable, Spike quickly turned and walked away from the shocked group.

A majority of the group stood stunned, pondering over Spike’s sudden mood swing. What Shrek said last night really sunk deep into the young teen dragon much harder than they realized. So hard in fact, he started losing faith that Shrek wasn’t as bad as he made himself out to be. They weren’t so much hurt for Spike yelling at them, but they were concerned over a matter of something… out of character.

Meanwhile, Fluttershy approached Donkey and placed her hooves around him in a hug as tears escaped their eyes. For everyone else, not a soul could believe things had broken down so hard… so quickly.

<>

Eventually, Shrek made it back to his humble abode in the swamp. By the time he arrived, it was still a complete mess. All the camping supplies, the clothes, even the pots and pans littered the front of his house. But nonetheless, it was completely devoid of fairytale creatures just as Farquaad said, proof enough that he was a man of his word. As he walked forward, looking around his home, something broke the moment he took one step. Looking down, he noticed shards of broken glass from a mirror, whether his or belonging to one of the creatures didn’t matter. He stared down upon himself, looking at his reflection against the broken shards but found himself unable to bear his own face.

The ogre made his way inside the house, approaching his table where a few sunflowers sat on top. Picking up one flower, his thoughts suddenly went back to Fiona and that last night together. But the memory made him frown, and he heaved the sunflower into the fireplace to watch it burn. No more would Shrek ever make that same mistake again; there was much work to be done now that he was home.

Building a wall wouldn’t be enough for Shrek; additionally, he’d build himself a moat. He’s talking ten feet deep, with piranha keeping guard if he could find anyway so folks would think twice before leaping over. At least then he’d finally get some sleep. He gave these strangers the slightest inch, and what did they do? They dragged him for over a mile. Out in that world, he was under attack. His face launched a thousand insults; he’d never go back to that. And when all the work was done, he’d lay himself down with nowhere to go. One room, one easy chair… that’s all Shrek needed right now. All that the miserable ogre could bear after these past few days.

Unbeknownst to him, Shrek wasn’t the only one having problems…

<>

Back in Duloc, preparations went underway for the royal wedding. Princess Fiona stood on a small pedestal, as a seamstress made the final adjustments to the wedding dress she’d be wearing for her big day. After all the altercations were finished, Fiona was left alone to look over the final preparations for the wedding. Among which was the wedding cake, with figures of herself and Lord Farquaad standing at equal height. Fiona actually pushed Farquaad’s figure to where his actual height stood, contemplating over the fact she’d be spending the rest of her life with this little man. Not that Farquaad would really notice much if he was looking forward to this marriage than she was.

One turn and Fiona noticed a knight’s suit of armor, which of course made her think of Shrek, the one who actually rescued her from that tower. But it also reminded her of all the friends she made, the ones who reached out to her, listened to her, and understood her. Now they were left behind, and she never really said goodbye to any of them. What was supposed to be the happiest day of her life, now she was so miserable she couldn’t eat. She had thought she escaped from her tower, only now… she felt more trapped than ever.

<>

In another part of the forest, a dejected group of Equestrians and Ever After girls, with Donkey at the lead, marched somberly down a trail to parts unknown. Occasionally, Donkey turned his head back but then reverted his gaze just as quickly. The last words delivered upon them, courtesy of their former ogre friend, drove most of the group to tears. Though some of the group were more angry than sad, but still hurt all the same. Even Spike barely shared a gaze with his friends, looking down at the trail he tread with his arms folded.

Eventually, they paused by the riverbank so Donkey could have a quick drink. Spike sat along by the edge, leaning his chin on his knees with his arms clutched around sighing heavily. But then a much deeper groan escaped, only it wasn’t even from Spike much to his own confusion. Slowly, the group turned around and they reeled back at a sight they didn’t expect to see.

The Dragon… the red scaled beast herself… with now a makeshift collar made from the candlelit chandelier that fell upon her… looking down the ground. What surprised the group most was not how sinister the beast was; instead, what stunned them most… was she was crying. Wiping a tear from her eye, the dragon was so hurt… so vulnerable… her emotions loose in ways they didn’t expect it. It was so saddening to see the dragon in this state, even Spike’s demeanor mellowed as he looked down at his own reflection along with Donkey.

An epiphany struck them in that moment, as they silently got up to their feet one by one and cautiously approached the dragon. For a moment, they had no idea what to do nor what they were going to say. But then, to the surprise of many, Fluttershy herself, the most frightened amongst all dragons, slowly stepped up to the dragon… and placed a gentle hoof upon one of the dragon’s big arms. The dragon stopped crying for a moment and looked down upon the yellow Pegasus, her eyes partially hidden by her pink mane as she smiled, small yet welcoming with assurance. The gesture made the dragon smile back, as the group welcomed the creature with smiles of their own. Unbeknownst to them, two pairs of eyes looked over from behind the dragon.

All this suddenly made Spike think to himself, as he turned back toward the distance where they last saw Shrek disappear. Although he still held the slightest bit of resentment, something in his heart was telling him what needed to be done. As he slowly embraced it, Twilight Sparkle turned to him… which made him turn back, and eye her softly with a smile of his own. It was in that moment they both shared the same crazy idea…

<>

Far away from everyone she knew, everyone she left behind, and completely oblivious to recent events, a downtrodden Madeline Hatter walked alone in the forest. While all her friends slept last night, she’d spent the majority of the night by herself hiking through the woods. She walked until daybreak broke through the treetops and when she could walk no more she stopped before a tree, allowed herself to drop on the grass and released a sigh.

As she sat in the midst of the red woods, alone and weary, her pet mouse Earl Grey emerged from the collar of her shirt and squeaked with worry. Maddie merely turned to her pet mouse, eyeing her pet sadly, and reached up to tip her hat off her head. With one hand, she reached in and pulled out a chunk of cheddar cheese which she gave to Earl Grey, who proceeded to munch on it ravenously. She watched her pet eat, smiling sadly before she turned toward the horizon pondering what she was going to do.

“Now if only someone could help me…” Maddie spoke to herself.

While Maddie was thinking, all of a sudden, a group of footsteps broke her train of thought and propelled her to turn. The disturbance made Earl Grey squeak with fright, dropped the cheese, and dived into Maddie’s hat to hide, which she put back on her head. She picked herself up just as some figures emerged from the trees: The Fairytale creatures, filing out Anatevka-like, carrying suitcases and their belongings. There was no mistaking it; they are miserable. The moment they saw Maddie in their path, they stopped.

“Hello…” Maddie spoke meekly.

“What’re you doing here?” A wicked witch asked.

“I, uh… I needed some time for myself. What’re you doing here?”

“You didn’t know?” Papa Bear questioned. “Some ogre was given his swamp back in exchange for returning some princess to Farquaad. Because of what he did, we’re not wanted.”

“He did?” Maddie looked back.

“Just when ya think life can’t get any worse, ya get evicted from a swamp!” Pinocchio grumbled.

“I really thought that ogre was gonna help us,” The shoemaker’s elf sighed.

“He still might!” Peter Pan spoke up, hopefully. “Maybe if we all close our eyes and clap really hard!”

“Oh, grow up!” Pinocchio snipped.

“I won’t grow up!”

“YOU’RE THIRTY-FOUR AND NEED A SHAVE!”

The insult made Peter Pan reel back with shock, even the fairytale creatures were taken aback. Maddie looked around as shouts and jeers were exchanged, ranging from ‘Whoa!’ to ‘Eh!’ or even ‘That is low’.

“What? Am I wrong?” Pinocchio inquired.

“Excuse me for interrupting,” Maddie spoke up. “But this ogre… was he with anyone else. Perhaps some ponies, a dragon, a donkey… and a couple girls who look like me… but not?”

“Yeah, you know them?” The Mad Hatter inquired. “Are they friends of yours?”

Maddie nearly answered, but then her face dropped. A sigh escaped her lips as she twiddled her fingers.

“I—I don’t think they will be… not after today,” Maddie spoke sadly.

“You mean what?” Sugar plum fairy asked. “Hatter girl won’t go home?”

“I… I’ve done something… terrible. Something that cost me my home… and I lost friends and family because of that. I’m afraid when everyone learns the truth, about what I did—can I go away with you?”

“We don’t really know where to go now?” The wolf admitted. “But I suppose you can come.”

“Forty miles north, they said,” Sugar plum fairy spoke up. “There’s a landfill with our names on it. Short man said so.”

“LANDFILL?!?!”

All eyes turned, then faced the ground as a figure limped his way. All attention was set upon ‘Gingy’, the Gingerbread Man himself, his legs stitched up in vanilla icing as he dragged himself toward the front of the pack with a candy cane for… well, a cane.

“Are you kidding me?” Gingy argued. “What’s next? A dunghill?! A septic tank?! How low do we need to go, People?! It’s time we stood up to Farquaad ourselves!”

“Stand up for ourselves?” Maddie asked nervously. “I—I don’t know—”

“Gingy’s right!” White Rabbit stepped forward. “We need to get off our fluffy buts and do something!”

Although some of the fairytale creatures were skeptical at first, thinking one cookie’s been sniffing the Pam too hard, one by one they started to believe Gingy had a point. If what this cookie said was true, that they needed to take a chance and stand for themselves, anything would beat spending their lives in some landfill. Everyone was sharing agreements, as Maddie looked around seeing all the chaos unfolding before her.

“Now wait a minute!” Pinocchio yelled, drawing their attention. “Maybe that ogre wasn’t the answer, but something better will come along, and we have to wait for it, because that’s what fairytale creatures do. We wait for miracles; we wish upon stars! Why my cricket always told me—”

“Aw, forget that cricket!” The witch groaned. “If he was so smart he would’ve seen that windshield coming!”

“No… no… we just need to lay low until this all blows over.”

“Law low?!” The ugly duckling retorted.

“It’s too late for that!” Shoemaker’s elf added.

“He took my mama!” Baby Bear stepped up.

“Down with Farquaad!” Papa joined in.

“Power to zi piggies!” The three pigs cried in unison.

“OH, NONE OF THIS WOULD’VE HAPPENED IF I WAS A REAL BOY!!!” Pinocchio snapped.

And just like that… everything went silent, so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The fairytale creatures, Maddie especially, stared toward Pinocchio who heaved in and out an air of frustration. Then his demeanor shifted to sadness, as if reality had just set in. Maddie approached Pinocchio, leaning towards the little puppet.

“You’re nose didn’t grow…” Maddie pointed out. “When you said this wouldn’t happen if you were a real boy, your nose didn’t grow. That’s how you really feel… isn’t it?”

“Why can’t I be a real boy?” Pinocchio spoke sadly. “I don’t want to be a burden; I didn’t want to hurt Papa and make him send me away. I tried doing everything right; I wanted my fairytale ending more than anybody. I thought if I really wanted something so much, then that ‘someday’ of being a real boy could be today.

“But I’m still just… not. I’m a coward… I can’t be honest with anyone or myself… and I only think about myself. Me, me, me… and everyone can be happy to say they were right, all along. I really am… just a freak.”

Maddie sympathetically eyed the puppet, thinking back to her own misfortunes. She placed a gentle hand on Pinocchio’s shoulder drawing him to look up.

“At least you got to enjoy a moment having a father,” Maddie sighed heavily. “My father… the father from my world… was taken from me. And there’s nobody to blame but myself. A sensible girl would’ve just minded her own business; go about her day without a care. But I’m ‘not’ sensible… curiosity got to me; I couldn’t ignore it. Now I can’t even face my friends or admit what I did because if I do—then I really am a freak too.”

“LISTEN UP, YOU TWO!!!”

Maddie and Pinocchio leapt away as Gingy approached the pair, to knock some sense out of them. If their attention wasn’t grasped enough, Gingy was determined to get through to them. With the sugar plum fairy lifting Gingy in her arms, holding the little guy up so he could look down upon the anxious crew, he belted out his message through song.

And as the whole group performed a synchronized march, imitating a series of beating drums, it slowly dawned upon Pinocchio… and especially Maddie Hatter. Here they were feeling sorry for themselves, hoping to avoid whatever problems came their way. But now was not the time for hiding, but to act. Not just for themselves, but for every fairytale creature denied the same privilege as everyone else. For every child who has forgotten the spirit of a happily ever after, of hopes and dreams. And most importantly… for all the friends still fighting for them, who need them more than ever. Even if they do learn Maddie’s own secret, they were her only family left… and the time for her to act was now.

“Yes!” Maddie leapt up. “It all makes sense now. We may be freaks, but we’re freaks with teeth, and claws—and magic wands!”

“And together, we can stand up to Farquaad!” Gingy cheered.

“I’m wood! I’m good! Get used to it!” Pinocchio declared.

“TO DULOC!!!” Pinocchio shouted.

Soon the fairytale creatures took off, a roaring flame in their bellies. They cried out as the motley rally stormed toward Duloc, finding their inner courage to confront Farquaad and demand their respect and dignity renewed. Even if Maddie feared they may not come out of this alive, her own friends never abandoned her during her needs… now it was her turn. Suddenly inspired, Maddie took off for the opposite direction which didn’t go unnoticed.

“Hey!” The Mad Hatter called out. “We thought you were coming with us!”

“Go ahead without me!” Maddie cried out. “I’ve got to get to my family!”

<>

Finally, it all came down to the present circumstances deep within the swamp. By now, Shrek sat alone at the dinner table barely touching any scrap of food he made for himself. All of a sudden, a sound outside stirred him back to reality. Curious, he ventured outside to investigate, and his face widened with surprise. Donkey, along with the Equestrians and Ever After girls, stood within his swamp. Specifically, Donkey, Rainbow Dash, and Cerise Hood collectively assembled a line of branches and small rocks.

“Donkey?” Shrek said confused. “Spike? Girls?”

“Shrek…” Spike spoke, avoiding his gaze.

“What are you doing?” Shrek asked.

“I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one,” Donkey replied bitterly.

“Figured we’d help save you some time and start building,” Rainbow snarked.

“You’ve only been talking about it nonstop for the longest time now,” Cerise added.

“Well, yeah,” Shrek replied. “But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.”

“We know!” Rainbow and Cerise responded in unison.

"'My, my, my', urgh!" Rarity groaned. "Is that all you have to say?"

“It is, around your half,” Donkey emphasized. “See that’s your half, and this is my half.”

“Oh! Your half?” Shrek nodded. “Hmm.”

“The way we see it, Donkey’s entitled to it!” Rainbow retorted.

“If not for him, you’d never known where Farquaad even was,” Cerise added. “He’s the one who found Duloc, who distracted the dragon, and he’s the one bending over backwards trying to impress your ungrateful butt!”

“I helped rescue the princess,” Donkey agreed. “I did half the work. I got half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.”

Instead, Shrek proceeded to pull down the wall and picked up a large branch. Donkey butted his head against it and the two struggled over it.

“Back off!” Shrek yelled.

“No, you back off!” Donkey argued back.

“This is my swamp!”

“Our swamp!”

“Let go, Donkey!”

“You let go!”

“Stubborn jackass!”

“Smelly ogre.”

“Fine!”

Shrek suddenly released his hold on the branch, tripping Donkey over. The donkey had just recovered as the ogre started to retreat back to his house.

“Hey, hey, come back here!” Donkey demanded. “We’re not through with you yet.”

“Well, I’m through with you!” Shrek retorted.

Not allowing him to get away, everyone started to follow him including a stern Applejack. Just as Shrek neared the door to the house, Applejack and Rainbow Dash jumped in front of him.

“Nuh-uh!” Applejack shook her head. “With you it’s always ‘me, me, me!’. Well, guess wut! Now it’s our turn!”

“Yeah! So you just SHUT UP and pay attention!” Rainbow Dash added, as Shrek walked away.

“You are mean to me! You insult me and you don’t appreciate anything that I do!” Donkey pointed out.

“You’re always pushing my friends around or pushing us away!” Twilight added. “We tried to establish a friendship with you! All we’ve done is try being nice to you, and you still treat us like garbage!”

“Oh, yeah?” Shrek turned back. “Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?”

“Because that’s what friends do!” Donkey emphasized. “THEY FORGIVE EACH OTHER!”

“Oh, yeah,” Shrek nodded softly. “You’re right, everyone. I forgive you… FOR STABBING ME IN THE BACK!!!”

One final yell and Shrek stormed into his outhouse, slamming the door in their face. To which everyone groaned in frustration.

“You are so exhausting Mr. Shrek!” Rarity called out.

“You’re so wrapped in layers, onion boy, you’re scared of your own feelings!” Rainbow Dash added.

“Go away!” Shrek called out.

“See! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona,” Donkey emphasized. “And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you!”

“Love me?” Shrek yelled. “She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking.”

“For the love of Celestia, are you that stupid?!” Spike groaned in frustration. “She was never TALKING ABOUT YOU!”

“That’s right! She was talking about—uh—” Pinkie paused, realizing. “Some pony else.”

After a brief period of silence, Shrek emerged from the outhouse invested in their conversation.

“She wasn’t talking about me?” Shrek asked softly. “Well then, who was she talking about?”

But there was no way anyone in this friend circle would let Shrek have it that easily. Instead, they turned their back toward the ogre.

“Uh-uh, no way,” Donkey argued, turning away. “I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right?”

“You wouldn’t listen to any of us before!” Spike added. “Why would you want to listen now?”

“Spike—” Shrek groaned.

Having had enough of Shrek, all the walking away and pushing them away, Fluttershy flew right up in front of the ogre and stopped him in his tracks.

“Donkey and Spike are right, Shrek!” Fluttershy piped in. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. A big guy like you who doesn’t listen to what any pony has to say… you’re nothing but a big, green baby!”

Shrek looked at her in concern, not even daring to interrupt the yellow Pegasus given how terrifying she turned into.

“First, you leave us outside your house in the cold! Then, you insult me and my friends! And when things didn’t go your way, you bailed out on us in the woods! A true friend would never do that, not to their friends, but you… you… you are the most difficult creature I’ve ever seen in my entire LIFE!”

Soon tears began to shed from Fluttershy’s eyes, as all her feelings and her pain poured out. Soon Spike stepped beside Fluttershy.

“It’s no wonder you all alone in your swamp!” Spike pointed out. “Who’d want to be friends with you? Who’d even want to talk to you? Why do you think you deserve any new friends of your own? You only want to be ‘friends’ when it’s convenient for you! You may be an ogre, and I may be a Dragon, but that doesn’t give you the right to be mean or offend my honor… and you… you broke it!”

The more creatures like Fluttershy and Spike ranted, the more their frustration grew. Off the sideline, all of their friends expressed growing concern for their wellbeing.

“You want to know what’s worse, Shrek?” Spike asked tearfully. “I’m not even mad about all that stuff you said about me! About my love life! About what it actually means to be a dragon! I could forgive all of that; all of it! If you weren’t such a… such a… a BORE!”

“What’s the use talking to you anyway?” Fluttershy frowned sadly. “You were right about what you said, the day we first met you. ‘Grab your torches and pitchforks’ and why? Because you’re a big… stupid… ugly… ogre! I hope you’re happy the way you are. Go right ahead. Bail on us again… live here… in the swamp… with no friends…”

Eventually, Spike and Fluttershy finally sat down allowing themselves to take a breath. Fluttershy started to tear up while the rest of the Mane Six and Ever After girls comforted her.

“Guys!”

“NO!” Donkey and Spike huffed.

“Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right?”

The donkey merely turned his head back to raise his eyebrow, then looked away again. Even Spike snorted the air with a puff of smoke, refusing to lock eyes with the big green ogre any longer. Seeing how crossed everyone was, how hurt they truly felt, Shrek released a heavy sigh of regret.

“I’m sorry,” Shrek apologized silently. “I guess I am just a big, stupid… ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?”

All eyes turned toward Shrek, studying the regret on his face determining if it was truly legit or not. Slowly, the majority of their faces softened as they started to see he truly was sorry for the way he behaved. Even Donkey turned toward him, a smile slowly forming on his face.

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” Donkey asked hopefully.

“Right,” Shrek smiled, offering a hand. “Friends?”

“Friends,” Donkey confirmed, shaking his hand.

“Bring it in, big guy!” Pinkie cheered.

Pinkie tightly wrapped her hooves around the ogre, who was taken by surprise yet awkwardly patted the pony’s back despite the uncomfortable gesture. Soon, the ponies and the Ever After girls gathered around Shrek offering a gesture of forgiveness in some form. Some patted his back; others shook his hand. Even Rainbow Dash nodded in approval, while Applejack tipped her hat. Shrek turned toward Spike, as a matter of fact all eyes turned to him waiting to see how he'd respond. Spike took a deep breath, shook his head, and then slowly stepped toward the nervous ogre.

“There is one thing you need to know about this dragon,” Spike began sternly, then softening. “I’m the most forgiving dragon you’ll ever meet.”

Spike wrapped one arm around Shrek, a brotherly form of hug as everyone was proud to see them make amends to some degree. Twilight Sparkle especially, nodded with approval, seeing everything working out… well, ‘almost’.

“So, um, what did Fiona say about me?” Shrek asked curiously.

“What are you asking us for?” Donkey smirked.

“Yeah, why don’t you just go ask her?” Pinkie agreed.

“Ask her?” Shrek raised a brow.

“Well, if you still want to be a hero, now’s your chance big guy,” Spike offered.

“Guys! The wedding!” Shrek gasped. “We’ll never make it in time!”

“Now what kind of ponies would we be if we didn’t have a plan?” Twilight smirked.

“Never fear Shrek, for where there’s a will, there’s a way!” Raven added.

“And I have a way!” Donkey chuckled.

Donkey whistled loudly, as Shrek, the Mane Six, Spike, and the other Ever After girls looked up. In a matter of seconds, the Dragon herself flew overhead.

“Donkey?” Shrek gasped.

“Shrek… I’d like to formally reintroduce you to the dragon from the castle,” Fluttershy presented.

“I guess it’s just my animal magnetism,” Donkey smirked.

“Aw, come here, you!” Shrek laughed, scratching Donkey’s head.

“All right, all right,” Donkey brushed off, smiling. “Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss-ass.”

“She’s one of us now,” Twilight declared, facing Dragon. “So… can you help us track Fiona?”

To which, the Dragon nodded in approval much to the delight of the group.

“Donkey the Dragon Tamer!” Pinkie sighed happily. “I always knew he was a genius!”

“Thanks Pinkie!” Donkey smiled. “All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet.”

Shrek, Spike, and a majority of the girls clung up along the chain slung around Dragon’s neck. Twilight Sparkle, along with Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Spike, flapped their wings lifting off into the air making way to take off. But all of a sudden, just as nearly everyone was on…

“WAIT!!! WAIT!!!”

The Ever After girls turned toward a familiar voice calling out, as Maddie Hatter raced off toward the dragon clutching her tiny hat tightly.

“I’M COMING WITH YOU!!!” Maddie cried out tearfully.

The Mad Hatter’s daughter leapt upon Dragon’s claw, landing alongside Donkey, as the dragon lifted them onto her back. Maddie reunited with the Ever After girls, who embraced her with heavy relief.

“Maddie, you had us so worried!” Apple spoke tearfully.

“Where’ve you been all this time?” Raven asked.

“Oh girls, there’s so much I really want to tell you…” Maddie sighed. “I promise; I’ll explain everything when we get to Duloc.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Rarity replied. “ONWARD!!!”

Soon, the dragon took off as the mighty beast soared through the clouds with their flying friends following close behind. Breathing in the air sweeping across their face, over the very landscapes they past, Pinkie Pie gave a holler as Applejack swung her hat with a ‘YEEHAW!’. As they flew, Spike looked back toward Shrek as he clung to the chain, smiling with approval before taking off with a great flap of his wings. Though they had no saddle to sit upon, and the scales were slightly uncomfortable on the hindquarters, nevertheless the team hung on as the Dragon continued the flight straight for Duloc.

Little did they know, however… their actions had not gone unnoticed…

<>

Deep within Duloc castle, while Lord Farquaad himself was preoccupied with wedding preparations, Queen Cersei and Regina watched the approaching group through Regina’s magic mirror.

“Just as I suspected,” Cersei smirked wickedly. “I knew those meddling ponies and those girls would come. They don’t even realize they’re walking right into our hands.”

“And what exactly is the rest of your ‘brilliant’ plan?” Regina asked skeptically. “We’ve already failed to capture them… twice!”

Cersei merely gave another smirk, as she set down the wine goblet she drank from. It was during this moment Venrys and a few other guards entered the room.

“The prisoner is ready, my Queen,” Venrys bowed.

“Good!” Cersei replied. “And have you managed to acquire what I needed?”

“What else could you possibly need?” Regina questioned. “You got your key we were sent to get.”

“This isn’t something we need,” Cersei replied. “It’s something I want.”

“I had to slit a few throats,” Venrys replied. “But I’ve got it.”

Venrys reached into the satchel he carried with him and procured a small vial. Within this vial was a strange purplish liquid, which cast a sinister look upon the Lannister Queen’s face.

“What the hell is that?” Regina asked.

“Something that took someone very important away from me,” Cersei replied. “… My son… my darling boy…”

For the first time, Regina thought she actually saw sadness within the cold eyes of Cersei. Never before had Cersei mentioned having a son before, but even just saying it proved difficult for the queen to do. But before Regina could ask for more details, Cersei’s sadness was quickly replaced with a burning rage.

“Those brats have been allowed to breathe for far too long!” Cersei hissed. “I won’t use this to kill them, oh no… but what I have planned… they’ll wish they were dead. And when they finally surrender themselves to me, I’ll be more too happy to oblige.”

“… And I thought I was twisted,” Regina muttered, with a head shake. “And what about Lord Farquaad?”

“… What about Farquaad?” Cersei asked sinisterly.

Fairytale Wedding

Author's Note

Again a big thank you goes out to Drama for helping me through this.

Fairytale Wedding

In the land of Duloc, the time had finally come: Princess Fiona was to marry Lord Farquaad, both desiring for their own ‘happily ever after’. In the middle of the town, a large cathedral stood tall and mighty. An even larger group of guards stood outside the cathedral, all eyes on watch to ensure nothing interrupted this wedding under any circumstances.

Inside the church, wedding music was concluding while the choir filed on singing. The bishop puttered on, as Farquaad and Fiona entered in wedding attire. A large group of assembled citizens sat in reverence as they watched with anticipation for their lord to marry the beautiful princess. Granted, it was all fake as there were men with cue cards that garnered their responses.

Seriously! Do these people really need to be cued just to respond?

What do you expect? You think ‘any’ of them like Lord Farquaad? At all?

… Good point.

Anyway… the priest proceeded to officiate the ceremony.

“People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and Queen. And as the warm glow of this setting sun lifts our hearts, so too does the joy of this blessed…”

“Um… excuse me…” Fiona interrupted politely. “Could we just skip ahead to the ‘I do’s?”

This gained a chuckle of amusement from Lord Farquaad, who couldn’t help but admire her eagerness to marry him.

“Go on,” He nodded to the priest.

The priest found this quite irregular; however, he dared not defy his new king. With a slight nod of his head, he proceeded to skip through the remainder of the ceremony.

Meanwhile, while this went on, several Black Knights and Lannister guards entered the church from all corners and positioned themselves around the area. After they all made their way inside, Regina and Cersei entered after. They were dressed in their best, and most wicked, queenly ensembles.

“Last time I was at a wedding, I threatened an entire kingdom to take away their happiness,” Regina reminisced. “I suppose in a strange way, I’m doing the same thing today. Old habits never die.”

“Where I come from, many weddings tend to end with bloodshed,” Cersei informed. “I had an entire house, and all their bannermen, killed at one wedding. One that became known as the ‘Red Wedding’.”

“Okay, instead of going back down memory lane, we should really get this plan underway,” Regina reminded. “What exactly is it we’re doing again?”

“All you need to do is what you do best,” Cersei informed her. “Once that’s done, those meddlesome brats will be in our clutches. And then, we can leave this infernal world behind us.”

“Well, luckily we won’t have to wait long,” Regina smirked, overseeing the wedding.

“Right, well then,” The Priest cleared his throat. “Uh, do you Lord Farquaad take Princess Fiona?”

“I do,” Farquaad nodded.

“And do you Princess Fio—”

“I do,” Fiona answered quickly.

“Yes, I thought you might…”

<>

Outside the church, the Dragon suddenly landed nearby and the Duloc guards ran away in terror from the giant dragoness. The group dismounted and made for the church, as Dragon turned back toward Donkey.

“Go ahead, have some fun!” Donkey urged her. “If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that?”

The Dragon smiled with a nod, before taking off toward the town streets to pursue the frightened knights. Shrek raced for the cathedral doors, when suddenly the remainder of the group rushed into his way.

“Get out of my way!” He demanded loudly.

“Hold on a minute, Shrek!” Twilight urged. “We can’t go rushing in like white knights; we need to think this through.”

“First you want me to finally fess up and confess to Fiona how I feel,” Shrek pointed out confused. “Now you’re trying to stop me?!”

“Of course not, darling,” Rarity assured him. “But Twilight’s right. We can’t just stroll in there without at least a plan.”

“Look what we’ve been through on this whole journey,” Spike said. “We have weird knights trying to kill us and we still haven’t stopped Tirek. Celestia only knows what else can happen.”

“Besides, you wanna do this right, don’t you?” Donkey asked.

“What are you talking about?” Shrek asked.

“There’s a line, there’s a line you gotta wait for. The priest is gonna say, ‘Speak now or forever hold your peace’ and that’s when you say, ‘I object!’.”

“Oh, I don’t have time for this!” Shrek groaned in frustration.

Shrek quickly made a beeline past the group, but Donkey was not having it.

“Hey, wait!” Donkey flipped himself around “What are you doing? Listen to me!”

Donkey pinned the ogre against the door, forcing him to look him dead in the eye.

“Look, you love this woman, don’t you?” Donkey asked seriously.

“Yes,” Shrek replied.

“You wanna hold her?”

“Yes.”

“Please her?”

“Yes!”

“Then you got to, got try a little tenderness!” Donkey said in sing-song manner. “The chicks love that romantic crap!”

“Normally I don’t condone describing love that way, but I must agree with Donkey,” Ashlynn agreed.

“It’s true!” Raven nodded. “If you really want to show love in the best way, tenderness is the way to do it.”

“All right!” Shrek exclaimed. “Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?”

“We gotta check it out,” Donkey answered.

Unbeknownst to anyone in the group, Maddie turned just in time to spot a shadowy figure in a top hat disappear around the corner. The teenage hatter silently slipped away from the others to follow the elusive shadow. Just as she rounded a corner, a black gloved hand clasped over her mouth and pulled her completely around the corner, out of sight. When she was finally released, she stared into the dark soulless eyes of Uncle Howdy himself.

“Revel in what you are…”

<>

Back inside the church, the priest nearly finished the vows. Unbeknownst to everyone in the chapel, Donkey was hurled up in the air to spy through the window. In addition, Spike, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash used their wings to hover over the window to peek in. This all went unnoticed by everyone as the priest continued the ceremony.

“And so, by the power vested in me…”

<>

“What do you see?!” Shrek yelled, tossing Donkey into the air.

“The whole town’s in there!” Donkey replied, coming back down.

“I see a bunch of knights in there as well,” Twilight added. “My guess is Tirek is somewhere in there.”

“They’re at the altar!” Rainbow yelled.

“Mother Fletcher!” Donkey exclaimed in shock. “He already said it.”

“Oh, for the love of Pete!” Shrek groaned.

Shrek raced inside without catching Donkey, who the Ever After girls quickly caught before he hit the ground. All the flying individuals flew down quickly just as Shrek rushed into the church.

“Shrek, wait!” Twilight yelled.

Just as the priest pronounced the pair as King and Queen of Duloc, just as Fiona and Farquaad leaned in for the kiss…

“I OBJECT!!!”

All heads turned as Shrek burst through the doors, his friends not too far behind. Before the eyes of the bride and groom, the princesses’ friends (And even the ogre) raced down the aisle.

“Stop the wedding!” Pinkie cried out.

“Shrek?” Fiona spoke in shock. “Girls?”

Initially, Fiona seemed happy, if not surprised, to see them… only for her expression to quickly drop. For she was reminded of what happened earlier today, the very words that made her upset. The bishop gasped at the sight, sealed his book, and quietly slunk off.

“Oh, now what does he want?” Farquaad sighed angrily.

The whole congregation gasped as they saw Shrek walk towards the altar, with the remainder of the group following behind. Surprisingly, the crowd responded positively and some even begun to do ‘the wave’.

“Ooh, I love the wave!” Pinkie clapped happily.

The pink party pony leapt right into the crowd and when she peeked out she now sported a Buckball jersey, some face paint, and even a soda hat.

“Go team!” She cheered along with the wave. “Go, go, Gryffindor! Go, go, Gryffindor!”

The rest of the group merely rolled their eyes before continuing to follow Shrek towards the altar.

“Hi, everyone!” Shrek waved to the crowd. “Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.”

“What are you doing here?” Fiona questioned Shrek.

“Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding…” Farquaad added.

“Cram it, short stack!” Rainbow snapped.

The tiny lord reeled back in response to the angry Pegasus. Shrek, initially taken aback by Farquaad’s harsh comment, quickly brushed it off. The ogre proceeded to turn his attention toward Fiona.

“Fiona – I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, now you want to talk?” Fiona scoffed. “Well, it’s a little late for that. So if you’ll excuse me –“

She leaned over to kiss Farquaad, to get this ceremony over with. But Twilight used her magic to pull her away by the hand.

“Fiona, please listen!” She plead. “This isn’t what you want. You know it and so do the rest of us. You can’t marry him.”

The princess freed her hand from the alicorn’s magical grip.

“And why not?” She questioned angrily.

To which the rest of the group turned toward Shrek.

“Tell her, big guy,” Spike nudged encouragingly.

“Because – because he’s just marrying you so he can be king!”

This caused the whole group to groan, shaking their heads in annoyance.

“Come on, Shrek!” Applejack groaned loudly. “We done just talked about this coming here; ya can’t back out now.”

“This is outrageous!” Farquaad spoke defensively. “Fiona, don’t listen to him—”

“Fiona, think about it!” Raven interrupted. “The day we rescued you from the tower, you asked us why this man you’re marrying didn’t come to rescue you! It’s because he never intended to go to the castle.”

“He set up a whole tournament willing to sacrifice any of his knights to do the heavy lifting for him,” Apple White added. “A tournament we were caught in the midst of and assigned to embark on this ‘quest’ for his bidding, and he probably didn’t even expect us to come out of it alive! And these people… they know it… they know what happened.”

“He’s not your true love,” Shrek argued with Fiona.

“And what do you know about true love?!” Fiona replied bitterly.

“Well, I, duh—I mean…”

“Oh for Celestia’s sake!” Rainbow exclaimed loudly. “He’s in love with you, alright!”

The entire group gasped in shock, as the truth was suddenly unveiled.

“What?” Fiona gasped in shock.

“Oh… oh… aww…” Farquaad chuckled mockingly. “Oh, this is precious! The ogre has fallen in love with the Princess! Oh, good lord. Hahahahaha…”

Farquaad gestured to the man with the prompter card, who proceeded to hold up a card that said ‘Laugh’. The entire congregation proceeded to laugh over the absurdity of ‘an ogre and a princess’. Shrek turned back toward the laughing crowd till his face leaned toward the floor, dejection striking him hard. Seeing his friend in such distress, Spike dawned a look of determinedness and stepped up to speak in his defense.

“You people can laugh all you like, but there’s nothing wrong with our friend loving Fiona!” Spike spoke up. “Where we come from, I’m a dragon in a relationship with a griffon… and proud to be! We’ve got earth ponies who fell in love with Pegasi, some even with unicorns, and even unicorns have fallen for Pegasi. We’ve even had same-sex relationships… all different kinds and we’re proud to have such diversity.”

“Yeah! We even have a Pegasus and a Draconequus relationship brewing soon, right Fluttershy?” Pinkie smirked to the shy Pegasus.

To which Fluttershy merely blushed bright red, as she hid her face in her wing and mane. In all this, Princess Fiona stared toward Shrek, her face brimming with shock.

“Shrek… is this true?” Fiona asked curiously.

Just as Shrek opened his mouth to speak—

“Who cares?! It’s preposterous!” Farquaad mocked in annoyance. “Guards, take these abominations out of my sight!”

“No!” Fiona cried out. “Uh… I mean… let’s hear what the… monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.”

“Oh, you are awful!” Farquaad smirked, then faced Shrek. “You heard her, ogre. Express yourself… with as few grunts as possible.”

“Can I hit him now?” Rainbow Dash asked Applejack.

“Later hun,” Applejack assured.

“Right… okay,” Shrek spoke tentatively, looking around. “Um…”

Without any words, the ponies, Spike, and the Ever After girls calmly gestured to Shrek to speak his piece. The ogre eventually turned his attention toward the Princess, who waited to hear what he had to say. But when words failed… there was only ‘one’ thing the ogre could do…sing.

“Awk-ward…” Farquaad snarked, side of mouth.

The group’s eyes glared toward the tiny man, who made a gesture with his tiny fingers to indicate ‘a little bit’. But the man still gestured the ogre to keep going regardless. Shrek returned his gaze to Fiona, who at first turned her back to him during the first verses. Spike, seeing that the ogre still needed help, slowly approached his friend.

Shrek’s bars eventually made the princess return her gaze toward him, hearing the sincerity in his words. Pleased to help push his friend along, Spike felt a presence so unfamiliar to him yet compelled him to look out toward the crowd. Only in his eyes, he wasn’t seeing the congregation nor even the walls or the door leading out into the town. But something drew him to look ahead, that he felt the presence of someone so close to him… someone he feels has been watching him this whole time. As he stepped forward, he could feel himself singing his own serenade as Shrek’s own song continued.

And as Spike tentatively reached out a claw, as far as he could stretch his arm forward… his hand contacted an invisible force in thin air. A force seen by so few, yet a hidden wall of sorts where he could feel himself seeing something beyond the void of this world. His gaze toward a serene scene he left behind, where he could feel someone else reaching for him… waiting for him to come home. He was swept by this sensation known only by so few, as off the side Shrek grew more determined as the princess’s face slowly softened.

By the time the song finished, Shrek waited with anticipation to hear what the princess had to say. At first she said nothing, but the tears in her eyes and the small smile on her face seemed to suggest otherwise. Leaving everyone else to wonder… ‘Did it work?’.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Groans emerged from the group as the tiny lord ruined what was a tender moment, the disruption even drew Spike back to reality much to his own annoyance.

“Are we ready, darling?” Farquaad addressed Fiona. “Fiona, my love, we’re but a kiss away from our ‘happily ever after’. Now kiss me!”

Farquaad held Fiona’s hand, puckered his lips, and leaned toward her. Fiona looked from Shrek, then to Farquaad, and up toward the stained-glass window. Then, barely a whisper…

“I can’t!”

Just as Fiona was about to rush off.

“Stop the wedding!!!”

A high squeaky voice led the congregation to erupt in pandemonium. All of a sudden, all the fairy tale creatures, with Pinocchio in the lead, stormed into the church. Carrying protest signs in their grip, they eyed the lord angrily crying out their message.

“This guy is a sham!”

“Up with fairies!”

“Power to the cookies!”

“I vanted to be zi flower girl!”

“Ew! Filthy wedding crashers!” Farquaad groaned disgusted. “Stop them! Stop them!”

“We’ve taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!” Pinocchio pointed angrily.

“”Well no more!” Baby Bear declared.

“It ends today!” The witch declared.

“Power to zi piggies!” The three pigs cheered.

“We demand our homes back!” Papa Bear demanded.

“And our rightful place in Duloc!” Pinocchio concluded. “Right, guys?”

Additional cries bellowed out amidst the rally. Farquaad darted his eyes to each of the creatures, accusing him of being a zealot and demanding he’d pay for his actions. But the tiny lord would not have it…

“How dare you freaks interrupt my wedding?!” Farquaad called out.

The girls, especially Spike, rolled their eyes over Farquaad’s choice of words. All stood silently, until Pinkie Pie stepped forth. A smile spread across her face as an amusing thought dawned on her.

“Freaks, huh?” Pinkie questioned. “Well, I guess it takes one to know one. As a matter of fact, when we first met these creatures, I just so happened to stumble upon someone you’re very familiar with.”

“What?” Farquaad asked confused.

“Pinocchio… I believe a ‘reunion’ is in order?” Pinkie smiled.

“Oh… yeah!” Pinocchio nodded. “Be prepared to have your mind blown.”

Pinocchio gestured with one hand, signaling the fairy tale creatures to part ways. A very grumpy, not to mention small and angry looking dwarf, ‘Grumpy’ by name, stepped out from the crowd. Everyone eyed him with confusion, but Farquaad… he was shocked.

“High-Ho!” Grumpy said loudly.

“Daddy?” Farquaad reeled back.

To which the crowd gasped in shock, suddenly mouthing to each other of this revealing scene.

“I suppose my invitation was lost in the mail?” Grumpy huffed.

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t abandoned me in the woods—” Farquaad argued.

“Abandoned you?” Grumpy questioned. “You were twenty-eight and living in my basement!”

This caused the rest of the group to burst out laughing. Surprisingly, it wasn’t even just the fairytale creatures nor even just the Equestrians. The entire congregation couldn’t help but laugh, even a few of the guards.

“Heh-heh. Looser!” Rainbow laughed.

“People of Duloc, your leader is a Halfling!” Pinocchio announced.

“Which is a lovely thing to be!” Fluttershy nodded.

“A freak, just like all of us!” Raven added.

“No I’m not! I’m not a freak! I’m not!” Farquaad objected, throwing a tantrum. “I’m a king! I’m a big man! A big, tall giant man with a kingdom! Not-a-freak! Not a freak! I have a castle!”

Fiona merely looked down on him with disgust, as the true nature of the little man was revealed before him. Not because of ‘what’ he was in the end, but rather… who he turned out to be. A man who mocked her friends and forced an entire population from their homes just for being who they are. A man who could only see the ugliness on the outside, not the beauty from within. A truth that was perfectly clear to Fiona… Lord Farquaad could ‘never’ be her true love.

“Bring in the lanterns!”

An announcement drew Fiona back to reality, averting her attention to the window. Sure enough, the sun was starting to set in the sky. The cathedral was growing darker, and a few members of the church were already bringing in the lanterns. As dawning as the sun, so too did it dawn upon Fiona of what was to come.

“’By night one way, by day another’,” Fiona spoke, facing Shrek. “I wanted to show you before.”

Fiona slowly started to back away, giving Shrek a sheepish smile. Then finally, when the sun had fully set, the magic of Fiona’s curse was put into effect. The magic hovered around the princess, who closed her eyes as the magic cast a shining radiance in the church. After a few seconds, Fiona had transformed into her ogress self. The crowd gasped, while one person fainted in shock. Shrek and Farquaad stared at Fiona, neither sure what they were seeing.

“Fiona?” Shrek spoke.

To which, the princess gave a smile in response. The ogre’s astonishment grew, as he too began to grin.

“Well, uh… that explains a lot!” Shrek smiled.

To which the Equestrians and their friends nodded in approval, as Fiona locked eyes with Shrek and smiled.

“Ugh! Ew-ew-ew-ewww! It’s disgusting!” Farquaad groaned. “Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Guards?”

But Farquaad’s guards did nothing, they barely even moved toward their ‘Lord’. For now that they knew the truth about who, and what, their ruler truly was they felt no purpose to serve one as hypocritical as their ‘Halfling’ Lord. Farquaad looked around quickly as the Equestrian Heroes and their allies gathered toward him. But that didn’t stop either the Lannister or Red Knights to go for the ogres.

“Shrek and Fiona are in trouble!” Twilight pointed out. “Come on every pony, let’s do this!”

“Finally!” Rainbow yelled. “Time to kick some flank!”

“Let’s pull off a Helluva Boss!” Pinkie declared.

“I wouldn’t if I were you.”

The collection of heroes froze when an icy voice spoke to them. All eyes turned toward none other than Cersei and Regina, who emerged onto the altar.

“Who the hay are you two?!” Rainbow Dash questioned.

“Who we are is of no concern to you,” Cersei replied plainly. “However, if you must know, I am Queen Cersei of House Lannister, the High Queen of Westeros.”

“Regina Mills, Queen of the Enchanted Forest,” Regina added with a smirk.

“What do you want?” Twilight Sparkle demanded. “We have no quarrel with either of you.”

“Believe me, you lowly livestock mean ‘nothing’ to us!” Cersei retorted.

“It’s them we want!” Regina stated.

With one finger, Regina pointed toward the Ever After girls (Minus one).

“Hello Apple…” Regina smirked. “Been a while. How’s the whole rescuing business treating you? I must say… it’s not been looking good.”

“Don’t you dare touch her, you old witch!” Raven threatened.

“Hmph… no manners!” Regina huffed. “And after all the trouble we went through to bring a special guest… just to see you.”

Suddenly, the lantern lights started to flicker on and off as a portal formed amidst the chapel. The girls turned and became astonished when a certain centaur emerged. Lord Tirek, the very beast their Equestrian friends were searching for. But it wasn’t the smirking, hulking red beast that shocked them. For within the tight grips of his big palms was a familiar face that left Apple White’s face widened.

In his hands was someone deemed the most beautiful woman in the realm of Ever After High. A woman with pale white skin, plump lips as red as blood, and dark hair with a few gray areas due to age. Her pronounced cheekbones were as natural as her very beauty, her eyes dark blue and her hair long and flowing down to her hips. Her bangs parted to each side of her face. A tall woman with a slim body, her fashion consisting of white, red, and gold. The woman known throughout the Ever After as… Snow White.

“MOM!!!” Apple White cried out.

“No… this can’t be!” Raven shook her head. “This isn’t real!”

“Is it real?” Regina smirked. “You’re the ones following ogres and donkeys, talking ponies and dragons, all throughout a fairy tale. Reality just keeps getting fuzzier by the minute, little girl. But if she wasn’t real… could I do… this?”

Regina plunged a fist right into the chest of Queen Snow White, ripping out her still beating heart. The girls gasped at the very sight of her actions, but then they saw through the cat. This was a spell, for no physical mark remained on Snow White at all. Regina held the heart in her hand, the heart completely encased in a magical red glow. She turned back toward the crew with hateful eyes as they stared back with concern.

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Regina chuckled. “Holding the power of life and death in the pawn of one’s own hand. Did you know that when you take a heart as I have that it becomes enchanted? Once I realized what I was capable of, everything changed. I always loved the idea of doing whatever I want… and make anyone do anything I please. And, if any of you even try otherwise, all I have to do… is squeeze.”

On emphasis, Regina gave the heart a squeeze and Queen Snow cried out in pain. Apple dropped to her knees; tears streamed along her face having to watch her mother endure such torture.

“STOP!!! Please, stop!” Apple begged. “We’ll give you anything you want, just please… please stop hurting my mother.”

To which Cersei merely smirked wickedly in response.

“If you want your mother unharmed, there’s only one option you have,” She said. “Hand yourselves over and then she goes free.”

“Is that what you want?” Raven challenged. “Well, if you want us dead, then come get us!”

“Dead?!” Regina chuckled. “No… you don’t really get it. Killing you girls has proven to be so… difficult. Not a single one of you deserve to die, oh no. Instead… you deserve to be broken down… torn apart… wiped from existence… just like all your friends…”

The Ever After High girls turned toward their pony friends and Spike, who were initially concerned for their being. No doubt they would jump in at any point to prevent any harm from coming to them. But then these princesses thought of what was put in jeopardy, especially a Queen who possibly was the only surviving parent left. The parent of a very special girl now wanting to do something right… even at a great cost.

“We will give ourselves up and you may do with us as you wish,” Apple White offered. “But you will leave our friends be… and my mother… she goes free.”

“Apple, no!” Fluttershy whimpered.

“There… now was that so hard?” Regina smiled wickedly.

The villains, minus Cersei, grinned evilly as Tirek watched Regina place the heart back into Queen Snow’s chest. Apple’s mother gasped softly as she felt her heart return to its place, releasing a slow breath as Cersei gathered toward the weakened queen. One of her hands was closed shut, as Cersei eyed the silent parent.

“Ready for that drink, your highness?” Cersei asked.

All of a sudden, Cersei violently raised her sealed fist to Queen Snow’s lips, revealing a vial of the purple liquid. To the shock and horror of the Ever After girls, Cersei forcibly plunged the liquid down the queen’s throat forcing her to gulp every last drop. Queen Snow started to gasp violently as trails of the purple liquid slipped down her lips. As Tirek released her, he watched as the Queen clutched her throat, gasping for breath as she took a few steps. Even the congregation watched in shock as the Queen turned toward the girls, specifically toward Apple White.

“Apple…” Queen Snow gasped, reaching out.

“Mom…” Apple shook her head tearfully.

And just like that, upon drawing her last breath, Queen Snow plunged face-first onto the floor… and she laid there silent and still. Apple cried out in agony at the sight of her mother’s death, practically falling to her knees with one hand covering her mouth. All her friends stared in shock as Regina watched her friend succumb to sadness. Then she angrily turned toward the maniacal queens and the centaur.

“What have you monsters done?!” Raven demanded. “We had a deal! Our lives for hers!”

“Indeed we did have a deal.” Cersei replied. “I did this because it felt good.” I burned your home to ground because it felt good to watch it reduced to ashes. I had your friends killed because it felt good to watch the life slip from their eyes. Now I’ve killed your Queen because it feels good to watch you lose the last hope you have left.”

“If I recall correctly, your friend asked for your mother to go ‘free’,” Tirek spoke sinisterly. “I think we’ve all gotten what we deserve.”

Apple White was now utterly horrified after her mother was killed in front of her, the light in her eyes gone. As she slowly crawled toward the body of her mother, the Queens hovered toward her friends who braced themselves. Alongside the queens, a number of their personal guards marched beside them.

“It’s time you girls finally admit the truth,” Cersei declared. “That this world… and everywhere else… would just be better off without you.”

As the villains reached toward her friends, Apple White was just inches away from her mother. She finally reached toward her, Apple’s hand brushing along her mother’s hair and the skin of her face only to feel nothing but a chilling sensation. She reached toward her mother’s shoulders, hoping to have one last look upon her mother’s dying face… but then she reeled back with a gasp. For instead of the face of her mother, instead it was the face… of Uncle Howdy.

“Pardon me…” He spoke sinisterly.

All of a sudden, the body in Apple White’s hands vanished into a beam which quickly cast a large glow that drew the attention of the villains.

“What the—?” Regina began.

But before she could finish, the trio were hurled backwards by the beam. The force was so strong, Tirek was sent flying backwards, crashing through the church and sent hurtling away in the air screaming. The Queens were sent skidding toward the floor, while all their knights scattered about in a metallic clutter from one spot to the next. Apple White stood kneeling on the floor with shock by what she seen, when Raven Queen gathered toward her friend and roommate.

“Apple! You have to get up!” Raven groaned, pulling Apple by her shoulder. “We have to go!”

“Get them!” Cersei snarled. “Get them all!”

Soon, the Mane Six, Spike, and the remainder of the Ever After girls leapt into action. The gathering of Black and Lannister knights charged toward the group.

“No, no! Shrek!”

Spike turned as Shrek and Fiona tried to grab each other’s arms. But the knights grabbed hold of them, pulling them apart. A rage started to form within the young adult dragon, as smoke poured from his nostrils. Releasing a roar so loudly, Spike flew toward the knights and knocked them aside with a swipe of his tail propelling the knights off of Fiona and sent them crashing against the stone walls. The ponies gathered in defense of Spike and the ogres, while the Ever After girls aided the other fairytale creatures with keeping the other knights at bay.

Farquaad began to fume with rage as he saw the chaos erupt within the cathedral. All the knights trying to either restore order or dispose of these freaks, only to be overwhelmed and tossed about like canned vegetables. His only remaining allies, the two queens, were still recovering from their own assault by a newly revealed intruder. This was supposed to be his wedding day, his shining pillar of greatness… and these freaks were not going to ruin this day.

“This hocus-pocus alters nothing!” Farquaad growled, grabbing the crown. “This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See?! See?!”

“You’re not a king!” Spike accused. “Kings don’t—”

Suddenly, one of the knights swatted Spike away with a mace, sending the dragon to the floor. As the dragon slowly recovered, the other knights tackled him trying to hold him down.

“No, let go of him!” Fiona cried, hurling one knight down. “Spike!”

“Spike!” Twilight cried out.

“Don’t just stand there, you morons!” Regina growled to her knights. “Kill them if you have to—but get them!”

The knights still in action charged toward the group, who did their best to defend themselves against their might. Twilight Sparkle and Rarity used their own beams to knock a few knights off their feet, while Applejack grabbed a discarded mace with her rope and swung it around colliding with the medieval weapon against the helmets of every charging knight. Rainbow Dash flew toward the knights trying to hold Spike down and proceeded to thrust a few uppercuts sending the knights in the air.

“Out of my way!” Rainbow called out, facing Spike. “Spike! You okay!”

“I’m fine—” Spike groaned, clutching his head. “Fiona… Shrek…”

In the meantime, Pinkie Pie attempted to hold several knights back with streams of her party cannon shooting confetti and other forms of pastry. Despite being covered in icing, their visions partly blocked by confetti, the remaining knights still marched forth in grim determination. Then, all of a sudden, Fluttershy hovered over them and proceeded to unleash her ‘stare’ upon them, gazing intensely toward them. As it so happened, at least two of those knights recognized the yellow Pegasus… from the castle.

“No… no… you!!!!” A knight screamed.

Screaming in maniacal insanity, the knights screamed and raced down the aisle pushing their way through the fairytale creatures toward the doors. To which, their Queens were far from pleased as some of their troops ran away rather than fighting to the death.

“COWARDS!!!” Regina snapped.

Amidst all the chaos, Shrek angrily fought back and knocked out a few of the guards. Even Fiona managed a few stunning blows against several of the knights, deploying what self-defense training she had. But eventually, the sheer number of these growing knights proved too much for the ogres. Even the ponies and their friends felt the weight of combat stacking against them. And Farquaad, with the crown upon his head, stood at the heart of the cathedral overlooking the whole battle.

“You beasts… I’ll make you regret the day we met!” Farquaad declared. “I’ll see you drawn and quartered! You’ll beg for death to save you!”

“No, Shrek!” Fiona cried out. “Twilight! Spike! Apple!”

But Apple White was too despondent to speak, as Raven Queen wrapped her arms around her while keeping her gaze on the knights circling the pair. Farquaad soon approached Fiona, drawing his dagger, and held it toward her throat.

“And as for you, my wife!” Farquaad sneered.

“Fiona!” The group cried out.

“I’ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!” Farquaad declared.

“No actually, you won’t!” Spike coughed. “Shrek, NOW!!!”

Finally, Shrek managed to pry his arm free, and he whistled loudly.

“What are you doing, you Insolent beast!” Farquaad demanded. “I am king! I WILL HAVE ‘ORDER’! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE…!”

Just before Farquaad could finish his rant, time seemed to slow down for the tiny lord. Initially confused, he suddenly heard a haunting whistle that seemed to echo around the church.

As Farquaad tried to uncover the source of the scary, yet melodic tune, Farquaad’s eyes caught sight of a figure standing seemingly unnoticed by the crowd. The figure was a bipedal albino wolf with bright, glowing red eyes wearing a black hooded riding cloak, brown trousers, and a pair of razor-sharp collapsible sickles hanging on his belt. From his elongated, sharp teeth-filled muzzle, the mysterious wolf whistled the ominous tune for Farquaad to hear and gave an almost sadistic looking smile at him. Almost immediately as he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, the cloaked wolf seemingly vanished from the spot, leaving Farquaad very unnerved.

Time resumed to normal speed when all at once…

*CRASH!*

A Dragon burst from the stained-glass window, the Dragon who guarded Fiona, and opened her jaws. The diminutive despot looked up, dropped his weapon, and screamed in horror as the Dragon’s head swooped down. The last thing he saw was the wide, teeth-filled maw and an eruption of flames flowing toward him. The dragon’s jaw covered the lord, as her fire breath engulfed him from within her mouth. Soon she swallowed him in one gulp, leaving nothing left but his charred crown. All the other guards, stunned by the act, ran away from the cathedral and those who remained stepped back. As it turned out, the Dragon was not alone as a figure stood upon her head.

“All right! Nobody move!” Donkey ordered. “I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it.”

The Dragon roared, causing most of the guards to back away with fear. The remaining guards released Shrek and Fiona, backing away. The two Queens got to their feet and looked up as the Dragon loomed toward them.

“I’m a donkey on the edge!” Donkey cried out.

“You insolent little…” Cersei threatened.

But before she could do anything, the floor exploded a few steps before her and through the smoke Uncle Howdy, in his regular get-up, appeared before the stunned Queens. He merely stared icily toward the Queens and hovered one finger in front of them, waving it side to side silently. The Queens eyed this mysterious figure for a moment until Queen Cersei released a breath, and Regina got the message.

“Fine! Have it your way…” Regina sighed.

Regina took one snap of her finger, causing another portal to appear in the chapel. All eyes watched as the Lannister and Red Knights struggled their way through the portal in a hasty retreat. Regina was the first of the pair of Queens to enter the portal, as Cersei looked back toward the Ever After girls, the group eyeing the Queen with hatred.

“Another time, another place…” Cersei declared. “But never forget… we made a bargain.”

At long last, Queen Cersei stepped back through the portal, and it sealed shut. With a few major threats handled, the two band of heroes turned toward Uncle Howdy. Raven Queen, especially, was closely attentive to this mysterious figure.

“Who are you?” Raven asked.

“Who, indeed?” Uncle Howdy replied. “Such a shame for little Apple. Losing her mother, and her closest friends, and they’re not guilty of a thing! Now they are lost. Off with the shadows, into darkness.”

“She just saw her mother killed you insensitive creep!” Raven growled.

“No… no, not killed…” Uncle Howdy corrected. “Just… lost. Just like all the others…”

Something in Uncle Howdy’s words rang hauntingly amidst the group, sending them in a state of unease. But in addition, it snapped Apple White back to reality thrusting her head toward Uncle Howdy.

“You mean… you know where mother is?” Apple White spoke. “Tell us!”

“If you are in league with the Dark One and the Benefactor, we deserve to know!” Twilight demanded.

“Uncle Howdy has all the answers—but Uncle Howdy doesn’t always tell. Uncle Howdy does not work for the darkness… Uncle Howdy is the darkness. Uncle Howdy rules his own world, and in my little world… we’re all mad.

“As for your mother, little Apple… she’s already left this world. I won’t tell which exit. But a little birdie offered an exchange, a high-ranking being of my choosing… in exchange for her freedom.”

With one snap of his finger, smoke erupted at his feet. Through the black wave, Maddie Hatter tripped and fell into the arms of the Ever After girls.

“Maddie!!!” They cried out.

They hovered over the young Hatter, who coughed heavily trying to clear her lungs. She weakly looked up toward the girls, who eyed her worriedly. Twilight Sparkle walked past them, eyeing the malicious being.

“What are you?!” Twilight asked intensely.

“Let’s just say I only exist because someone refuses to accept their own faults,” Uncle Howdy spoke cryptically. “In exchange for one’s freedom from my vice, I get to add a little piece to my ‘charming’ little collection. And the party list keeps growing so long as I say so.”

“You’re saying Apple’s mother is still alive? What of the others? How do we know we can trust you?”

“To trust, or not to trust? I trust you’ll decide! Find me again…”

Once more, Uncle Howdy snapped his fingers and vanished into the smoke before the group could do anything. All was silent amidst everyone still remaining in the cathedral. The stunned members of the congregation, all the fairytale creatures gathered around, the heroes pondering their actions, and even the ogres standing close by. Looking around, seeing all the calamity, Donkey tried to break the awkward silence.

“Celebrity marriages,” Donkey spoke up. “They never last, do they?”

To which, the congregation broke out into some slight laughter. Some of them even cheered, much to even the surprise of the group. Still, it was plain to see as the muzzles on their faces. For all the power and respect Farquaad demanded of them, they never truly admired a lord desiring to be king of all. And now that the little man was gone for good, it was no longer just the fairytale creatures who were free. Now Duloc was a free kingdom, a kingdom without a ruler true… but still, they were free. Seeing this, a recovering Spike turned towards Shrek.

“Go ahead, Shrek,” Spike smiled.

Nodding his head, Shrek moved closer toward Fiona now.

“Uh, Fiona?”

“Yes, Shrek?” Fiona smiled.

“I – I love you.”

“Really?”

“Really, really.”

“I love you too.”

Without hesitation, Shrek and Fiona leaned toward one another and they kissed – a good kiss. Thelonious took one of the cards and wrote ‘Awwww’ on the back presenting it to the congregation. And they all responded on cue, to which some of the girls shook their heads but were proud, nonetheless.

Suddenly, the magic of the spell drew Fiona away from Shrek. The princess began to ascend into the air, hovering above as a magical glow worked around her. Whispering winds started to whip up around the stunned ensemble, as Fiona’s voice was heard though her lips never moved.

‘By day one way, by night another – this shall be the norm, until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form… true form… true form…’

Suddenly, Fiona’s eyes opened wide and lit up as she could feel a magical transformation take place. The force of the spell blew against the crowd, filling the cathedral with a blinding radiance. A whirlwind of sparkling light so great that nearly all the windows exploded, all… except one, with an image of Farquaad on it. Spike hovered till he was level with ‘Elizabeth’s’ head and gave her a nod. The Dragon proceeded to break the stained-glass window with her fist, as bits of glass showered toward the floor. As the magic subsided, Fiona lowered toward the ground and Shrek raced toward her.

“Fiona? Fiona… are you alright?” Shrek asked, concerned.

Slowly, the Princess Fiona turned around to face Shrek. Only… she was still an ogress. Fiona looked at herself, completely dismayed.

“Well yes… but… I don’t understand,” Fiona sighed. “I’m supposed to be beautiful.”

“But you are beautiful,” Shrek replied.

“You are more beautiful than you ever imagined,” Rarity promised. “Inside and outside.”

And the two ogres smiled toward the group, as they turned their attention toward each other. And one thing was truly certain the moment Shrek gazed upon the ogress in the wedding dress… that ‘Beautiful isn’t always pretty’… and that was how he liked it.

Soon, our heroes found themselves back in the swamp. It was Shrek and Fiona’s wedding day, and everyone was invited to bear witness to the two ogres sharing their kiss and joined together in holy matrimony. Among the few attendees along with Twilight Sparkle and her friends, aside from the fairytale creatures once banished to this very swamp, even a few Duloc guards came to witness this marriage. All were very happy to see the two coming together.

“And that is how the little ogre came to live on the swamp with a beautiful princess,” Shrek declared.

“And his best friend,” Donkey added.

“And his best friends,” Pinkie corrected.

“And a gingerbread man!” Gingy jumped in.

“And a very handsome puppet!” Pinocchio posed.

“Okay…” Shrek chuckled.

“And a rabbit!”

“And an Ugly Duckling!”

“And a witch!”

“And a cross-dressing wolf!”

“And the three pigs!”

“I just love a happy ending!” Pinkie cried tearfully.

Everyone gave their applause and adoration to the newly married couple, ending this day with a joyous celebration of love and acceptance. And yet, the fun had only just begun…

“ONE! TWO! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!”

Soon the entire reception of fairytale creatures and normies alike clapped together as the Mane Six and Spike stood at the center now with instruments and microphones much like their Rainbooms selves. Rarity and Pinocchio played together on the keys, with Pinocchio using his long nose that left Rarity giggling. Pinkie Pie played the drums rapidly while Applejack and Rainbow Dash played their guitars, bass and electric respectively. While Fluttershy played the tambourine, Twilight Sparkle and Spike sang lead along with a few of the Ever After Girls for back-up. All but Raven and Apple, who sat together admiring the scene as Apple leaned her head on her roommate/best friend’s shoulder as Raven kept her close.

The performance went on as Shrek and Fiona walked down the aisle to prepare for their honeymoon.

In the midst of the song, Shrek and Fiona walked until they reached their awaiting carriage, which thanks to a little magic was conjured as a giant onion complete with the drivers and footmen being the Three Blind Mice. Once inside, Fiona tossed her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White (Of this world) fought and clawed to catch. Amidst this cat fight, Dragon caught the bouquet instead. Though Donkey looked nervous, Shrek and Fiona gave him a reassuring look. The party went on, as the guests danced and sung while Shrek and Fiona rode away in their carriage. And the Gingerbread Man looked on proudly as they proceeded to embark on their own journey.

“God bless us, everyone!” Gingerbread Man declared, waving goodbye.

All the while, as the song reached its end, Donkey proceeded to take over the performance.

Soon, the wedding carriage carrying Shrek and Fiona rode far away down the swamp, disappearing over the horizon as the two ogres proceeded to go on ‘ugly ever after’. Just as the song came to an end, as everyone took a moment to catch their breath, a gust of wind picked up and before the eyes of the Equestrians the portal to Equestria opened up in the midst of the swamp.

“Well… guess it’s time to head home,” Twilight declared.

“Looks that way,” Spike nodded. “But what about Tirek?”

“Eh… he’ll be fine,” Pinkie shrugged. “We’ll run into big, red meanie again… maybe in another story.”

As they got ready to depart, the Equestrians and Spike turned back toward all the fairytale creatures looking toward them with smiles on their faces. And with the biggest smile of them all, Donkey stood in front of them.

“Man, I wish you guys didn’t have to go,” He said. “It’s been way too much fun.”

“You betcha it has!” Pinkie giggled.

“But we have families and friends waiting back home,” Rarity informed. “And we could use a break after all this adventuring.”

“And ah’m sure they miss us a heap load,” Applejack nodded.

“Well, alright,” Donkey nodded. “If you’re ever in the area again, be sure to look us up.”

“We most certainly will, Donkey,” Fluttershy smiled.

One by one, the girls and Spike gave Donkey a big goodbye hug. Once they broke free, they turned their attention toward the Ever After girls.

“It was really nice getting to know you all,” Apple smiled, sighing. “I just wish it was under better circumstances.”

“Don’t we all?” Rainbow nodded. “I’m sorry… about your mom.”

“I’m not… whether or not that Uncle Howdy was telling the truth, I’m starting to feel it now. Here I was thinking that we truly lost all our friends and family. But if what Uncle Howdy says is true, that they aren’t dead… but they’re lost… then it’s up to us to find them somehow and bring them back from wherever they went to. Even if that means really thinking about what we truly saw… and what was only a dark manifestation of our own minds.”

“Luckily, Apple White won’t do it alone,” Raven nodded. “We’ll be right by her side as we try to figure out what to do. But for now, we have no home to go back to thanks to those wicked Queens. So we’ll have to find somewhere else in this place to live.”

Twilight and the rest of her friends looked amongst each other for a moment or two. Eventually, smiles came upon their faces as a thought came to them.

“You know, you’re welcome to come back to Equestria with us,” Twilight suggested. “A chance to start a whole new life, even temporarily.”

“Seriously?” Briar asked in shock.

“Absolutely!” Twilight nodded. “As a matter of fact—”

The pony princess used her magic to conjure a magical orb before them. The orb showcased images of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, standing side by side.

“Girls, allow me to introduce you to our faithful rulers,” Twilight introduced. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.”

“Greetings, young ones,” Celestia’s image spoke kindly. “We’ve been watching your progress since this journey began and we cordially invite you to Equestria with open hooves.”

Celestia’s image then turned her face toward Apple White.

“And I am sincerely sorry about what happened to your mother, dearest Apple,” She spoke apologetically. “I know what it’s like to lose family. While I may not have the power to bring her back, and I can never truly replace her, all I can offer is to bring you here and welcome you as my own if you’d wish.”

“And I’d be most willing to do the same for young Raven,” Luna’s image added.

Both Apple White and Raven Queen exchanged looks, seeing the shock upon each other’s faces. Both girls tried to process exactly what these patriarchs were offering.

“And what of the rest of us?” Cerise asked. “Where will we live?”

“There’s always room in my castle for all of you,” Twilight offered. “What do you girls say?”

The Ever After girls looked amongst themselves as they thought it over. It was clear they truly had nowhere else to go, not with their home burned to the ground. And here were these new friends offering them a place to reside amongst them in their own world, all out of the kindness of their hearts. There was no need to debate this topic, as they turned back and nodded.

“We’ll go with you guys,” Raven agreed.

Twilight Sparkle nodded, along with the images of Celestia and Luna, and the orb disappeared into thin air. Soon the ponies proceeded to march through the portal one by one, with Spike coming in last. As the Ever After girls made their way through the portal, the last two girls were none other than Raven Queen… and Maddie Hatter.

“I suppose nothing will ever be the same again, will it Raven?” Maddie asked curiously.

Raven Queen briefly turned back to the swamp they’d soon be leaving behind. All the fairytale creatures were gathered, even Donkey, making the most of their newfound freedom and a new life in this world. Staring at this scene for a moment, Raven smiled, sadly yet proud. She then turned back toward Maddie.

“Well Maddie,” Raven began. “If we all work as hard to restore our world and recover our lost loved ones, just as these ponies worked hard to restore the freedom of these creatures, then someday… it will be.”

And so the two girls proceeded to make their way through the portal as it sealed behind them. One story coming to an end, but another was only just beginning. For nothing lasts, and life goes on. Full of surprises as they are faced with new problems of all shapes and sizes. Until their lives are restored, they will have to make a few compromises… but only for now. For now, they were healthy. For now, they were together. For now, they are happy… if not overjoyed to be alive… and for now… they had a home.

<>

Bonus Aftermath

Lord Tirek… having just returned from his own ventures in Duloc… sat away in a part of the Dark Order’s lair entirely on his own. A place where he could be away from all the commotion, especially after being chewed a new one from the Benefactor and the Dark One of his folly… again. Alone, Tirek sat upon his rump, huffing angrily to himself. But rather than relieving his stress with lifting weights or punching the already smashed walls, Tirek took up a rather ‘interesting’ hobby… knitting a pink and magenta… something.

“Stupid… ponies…” He growled. “Stupid… dragons… stupid humans… stupid… stupid… Venrys!!!”

“Mr. Tirek…”

A voice interrupted Tirek’s train of thought as he quickly turned his head. For who should enter his private sanctuary than the last creature he wanted to see… Cozy Glow.

“Mr. Tirek… what’s wrong?” Cozy Glow asked.

“What do you mean ‘what’s wrong’?” Tirek rolled his eyes.

“You’re furiously knitting instead of working out. Why?”

The centaur sighed to himself as he stopped his knitting and gently set his work upon his lap.

“If you must know… Venrys was in the meeting today,” Tirek answered.

“Ooh… the new guy!” The Pegasus filly exclaimed. “I take it you two don’t get along, huh?”

“Get along?!” Tirek growled, picking up the knitting sticks. “I had those pathetic ponies right in my grip, finally defeated. And what does that coward do? He took his little trinket and ran away! And was he there to help during the wedding? NO!”

“… That’s it?” Cozy raised a brow. “I thought it be bigger.”

“It’s HUGE! He’s more concerned with appeasing his ‘Queen’ rather than vanquishing his foes when he has the chance! You know what? That’s the problem I have with most of these other ‘villains’!”

Tirek’s knitting grew more vigorous the more his rant grew, while Cozy Glow looked slightly scared.

“This order doesn’t understand that by constantly running away, leaving our foes alive, it only enforces them to come back! Every time they do, it results in their downfall!”

“Isn’t that what happened to you, too?” Cozy questioned. “Before we met?”

“Grr… what I did was take magic from literally ‘every’ pony in Equestria—even their princesses! I drained them so hard; they were lucky… or rather ‘unlucky’… to be walking corpses! Even Twilight Sparkle ran away from me!

“Our battle was inevitable… and she bested me!” Tirek roughly sighed. “But ever since that day, it only strengthened my resolve to come back again! Which is why they should’ve destroyed me when they had the chance!”

Through it all, Cozy Glow stood her ground. While the centaur knitted away, she stood silently and thought to herself. True, she too managed to almost steal all of Equestria’s magic and she nearly got away with it too. But then she was defeated by those friendship students. Why? Because she left them captured, leaving them ample time to escape without her knowledge. And it all came back to bite her flank… hard.

“So, what you’re saying is…” Cozy began. “That it’s best to… um… kill your enemies instead of leaving them as prisoners?”

“Yes…” Tirek spoke, his vigorous knitting calmed. “I mean, sure, sometimes its fun watching prisoners get tortured. But at the end of the day, to win the day, it’s more effective to kill your enemies when you have the chance. Not even Chrysalis or Sombra did that. Maybe those Sirens… or even Ventrys, but they all still made that one simple mistake.

“I admit I’ve made mistakes too. It’s like for every success we have, we simply can’t… win. And I don’t know why.”

Cozy Glow nodded her head in understanding, choosing not to continue the conversation any further. Instead, she noticed Tirek’s string was running very low by now.

“Would you like some more yarn?”

“No…” The centaur answered. “I think I’ll just read… leave me alone.”

“Okay.”

And with a shrug, the little Pegasus fluttered off leaving Tirek in his own ‘peace’. Tirek proceeded to take the finished product, eyeing all the details for a moment, before approaching a wall and proceeded to hang it up on an embedded nail. Tirek then proceeded to go to a bookshelf and reached for an old book. He slowly opened the book, revealing a deep hole where a dagger sat inside. Tirek slowly lifted the knife out of the book, which he gently put back on the shelf. He eyed the dagger, his nostrils flaring as the rage returned, and then with a mighty growl he hurled the knife…

And it pierced Twilight Sparkle’s face, at the very center of Tirek’s art piece.

Bad Memories and Lava Bridges

Author's Note

First things first….

I’M BAAAAAAACK!!!

Secondly thank you again to Mr. Drama for editing this chapter and for everyone for supporting me through these hard times

Bad Memories and Lava Bridges

Following the events in Duloc, the motley crew of the Equestrians, Shrek, Donkey, Apple White, and Raven Queen found themselves progressing their way across the landscape in search of the princess Lord Farquaad wanted them to find. Things seemed to grow stranger the further they progressed along this leg of the journey. From meeting new and strange friends, fighting knights in Duloc, there seemed to be no shortage of bizarre occurrences as of late. One thing was absolutely certain: Things were only getting stranger from here on out.

For now though, all they could think about was how they’d been walking nearly all day… and seemingly going nowhere.

“Are we there yet?” Pinkie squeaked.

“No…” The group answered in unison.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No!”

“Are we there yet?”

“NO!”

For a moment all was quiet as the group silently eyed Pinkie Pie, who merely skipped about along the beaten path. After a period of nothing further, they slowly turned ahead to get back to the task at hoof…

“Are we there yet—”

“NO!!!”

“Pinkie, please!” Twilight groaned. “We just passed that abandoned mill five minutes ago!”

“Oh yeah… seemed like six!” Pinkie smiled.

“Is your friend usually like this on every adventure,” Raven Queen asked.

“No… not often this way…” Rainbow replied. “Usually it’s way worse!”

“This may turn into the longest day of my entire life,” Shrek muttered.

“Ooh! I got the perfect remedy for that!” Pinkie offered, pulling out a ukelele.

“Oh no, I’m not interested—” Shrek began.

But it was too late!

Shrek knew this was going to happen. The group pressed on with the landscape rolling by over the following…

“See? It makes the time go by faster!” Donkey smiled.

Our heroes soon passed may bits of scenery. Amongst the butterflies and birds, they even passed a little bunny hopping by.

“Aw, you see the little bunny?” Fluttershy pointed out.

“Aye, he looks delicious,” Shrek nodded.

The bunny’s eyes went wide, and he hopped away screaming. Before the others could scold Shrek, Donkey and Pinkie suddenly burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Applejack asked.

“I just got the, ‘He must be compensating for something,’ joke!” Pinkie laughed.

The group groaned in unison, as Pinkie and Donkey laughed at the joke. Eventually, the day turned into evening as the moon replaced the sun in the sky. But still, they marched on despite the sleepiness in their eyes. Spike at one point looked up toward the night sky for a brief second when a cow jumped over the moon.

“Mooooooooooooooooo!”

Spike stared blankly, then rubbed his eyes hard as if he were seeing things. Of course, they didn’t get any farther when a Dish and Spoon were running by shouting, ‘Run! Run! Are they still after us? Aw geez!’. The group stared blankly as the inanimate objects paused to catch their breath. A wailing siren in the distance sent them running again, as a police chariot was in hot pursuit. And just when they thought they’ve seen everything, a parade passed by.

“I love that movie!” Pinkie smiled.

“Oh man, what could be better than this?!” Donkey added.

Finally, the group plopped onto a nearby field heavily exhausted from all the walking. While most of the group laid upon the ground, catching their breath and massaging their sore limbs, Applejack and Rainbow Dash immediately went to work. The cow pony gathered a couple logs from nearby, piled them up between a circle of rocks, and Rainbow Dash proceeded to take a stick and rub against the wood so hard… a fire sparked within a matter of seconds.

“Sweet Celestia…” Spike groaned. “This trip will never end…”

“Why are y’all complainin’?” Applejack asked. “Ya got wings, ya could just fly if ya need tah.”

“I’ve been flapping all day!” Spike replied, exhausted. “My wings are so sore I swear they’ll fall off. And now my feet feel like they’ll break right under me.”

“Come on little dude, we’ve been through worse,” Rainbow chimed in. “After all the monsters, demons, and everything else in between, you really think walking will beat you?”

“Actually darling, I must agree with Spike,” Rarity piped in. “We’ve been walking an awful long time; it would be nice if we could rest a while.”

Then Pinkie Pie bounced up alongside her friends with her usual bright smile and a ‘boing’ with every bounce she made.

“Didn’t you get enough rest, silly filly?” She asked happily. “I know I sure did. I had this wonderful dream about an entire world made of candy. The clouds were made of cotton candy, the snow in the mountains were powdered sugar, the roads were made of fudge…”

Twilight Sparkle quickly lit her horn to life and encased Pinkie in a magical noise-concealing bubble, while her pink party pony friend kept jabbering on and about. Shrek walked by as he watched her do this, actually releasing an amused chuckle.

“Impressive,” He complimented. “Now can you do the same thing to Donkey?”

Speaking of the little talking Donkey, he’d been sharing a conversation with Fluttershy over, you guessed it… waffles.

“I’m tellin’ you Flutters, in my day I make the best fluffiest waffles you will ever eat in your whole life!” Donkey told Fluttershy. “When we get through saving the princess, I’ll whip us all a batch. I swear they’ll taste so good, that you’ll feel like you died and went to heaven.”

“That sounds very lovely,” Fluttershy smiled. “Not the dying part, but I’d be happy to try your waffles.”

As the group nestled themselves around the fire, Twilight Sparkle looked around and noticed two members of their little traveling party were missing. She looked back over her shoulder and spotted Apple White and Raven Queen isolated and staring up at the moon. As Twilight slowly approached, what little she could see of their faces, it seemed as though Apple was trying her best to keep from sobbing while Raven tried consoling the poor girl. Twilight felt terrible seeing the girls this way, but it also piqued her interest over a certain subject she still knew nothing about.

‘What happened to you before coming here?’, she thought to herself.

Since they met, all the two princesses told them of their homeland was how it was attacked leading to their escape to some portal. But that much didn’t offer much information on ‘who’ attacked them or even for ‘what’ reason. Twilight didn’t wish to press the matter, seeing it clearly was a sore subject for the two teenagers. But with her curiosity growing increasingly, she couldn’t stand idly by forever.

Making a quick decision, Twilight inched her way toward the girls, and slowly sat herself next to the two girls as they kept eyeing the moon.

“You two doing okay?” She asked.

Both Apple and Raven were slightly startled by the sudden voice, but quickly composed themselves.

“Um—y-yeah, we’re fine,” Apple nodded quickly.

“We just thought we could use the space,” Raven added.

“It’s alright, don’t worry,” Twilight assured them.

For another minute or two, all was silent between the three as the stars glittered in the night sky.

“You don’t have to do that,” Twilight spoke up.

“Do what?” Raven asked.

“Keep everything bottled up inside,” Twilight responded. “I know a little thing or two about bottling up your emotions. And some very good friends of mine can vouch for me on the subject. Trust me, it never ends well.”

“What do you mean, Twilight?” Apple asked.

“In the short time we’ve known you two, you’ve never discussed ‘why’ you ended up here in the first place.”

Both Raven and Apple eyed one another before turning back to Twilight. Only now, their faces were heavily sad and somber.

“We don’t like reliving it,” Raven answered honestly.

“Of all the terrible times we’ve endured, this one’s by far the worst,” Apple added, trying not to cry.

Twilight nodded her head in understanding, having had her share of terrible times in her lifetime.

“If you don’t want to talk, I understand,” She informed them. “I’m not expecting you to tell me or any pony else if you don’t want to. I just want you both to know we’re friends now. If you ever need to confide with us about anything, we’re always here to lend an ear. We want to help any way we can, but we won’t be able to… if we don’t know what’s going on.”

Apple turned back toward Raven and the golden-haired teen closed her eyes before giving a small nod. Raven took a deep breath and released a long exhale.

“It began on the night of Thronecoming…” Raven began.

<>

Flashback…

In the magical lands of the United Fairytale Kingdom, the moon shined brightly in a sky filled with stars. At the very heart of these enchanted kingdoms stood the gigantic castle school of Ever After High, where the children of fairytale characters attended to find their destiny. On this night, however, there was only one thing anyone could think of.

Thronecoming.

The entire school had prepared for this most festive of celebrations for so long and finally the time had come. Already on that very same day, Ever After High once again won their biggest Bookball game, held the Thronecoming parade, and all the children were able to visit Heritage Hall and receive special gifts their fairytale parents left for them long ago. Now they reached the portion of the night for the inaugural Thronecoming dance.

The music blasted (courtesy of Melody Piper), the disco ball gleamed in the light, and all the students were dressed in their finest ensemble. Suddenly, the doors to the Grimmnasium burst open and everyone halted what they were doing. They all turned to see none other than Apple White and Raven Queen, wearing their best dresses, making their grand entrance.

Everyone stared in awe with wide eyes and mouths agape as the two teenage girls entered. Eventually, the awe passed, and everyone resumed conversing with one another and enjoying the party. Apple and Raven crossed through the Grimmnasium till they spotted a group of their friends off the side. The group consisted of Madeline Hatter, Cerise Hood, Lizzie Hearts, Blondie Locks, Briar Beauty, Ashlynn Ella, Darling Charming, and the O’Hair Twins. The two girls quickly made their way over toward their friends.

“Spello everyone!” Apple greeted happily. “I can’t believe Thronecoming is here at last. I’ve been waiting for this ever since the semester began and now it’s finally here.”

“I know what you mean, girl,” Briar agreed. “I’m going to party like it’s my last night alive. If I’m sleeping for a thousand years, I’m living it up now.”

“Briar, you’ve been saying that for the longest time,” Blondie told her friend. “Remember, you don’t want to party too much or too little. You want to do it just right.”

“Is that you talking or your mom?” Briar asked. “It’s hard to tell the difference.”

“Come on guys, this is supposed to be a fun night,” Ashlynn spoke up. “After all, it’s only for one night and we must make the most out of it.”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” Lizzie nodded. “For if not, I assure you heads will roll.”

“And knowing your mom’s the Queen of Hearts, that’s frightening,” Poppy O’Hair said worriedly.

“Totally,” Holly O’Hair nodded.

Madeline Hatter stepped up beside her best friend Raven.

“So, you give anymore thought on all that bibblebock of you following your destiny?” She asked. “Personally, I think all this tick-tock Jabberwock talk is absolutely insane.”

“Trust me, nothing’s more insane than you Maddie,” Raven chuckled.

“Thank you for noticing,” Maddie smiled.

Raven continued to look around the area, seeing all the fun around her. However, she couldn’t help but notice something seemed off. All the staff and servers for the evening were people she didn’t know. They all walked about as though they were constantly checking on things. She also noticed most of them filled out the hall with many different chests. What was in them, she couldn’t tell. Her suspicious looks didn’t go unnoticed as her friend, Cerise, approached.

“Something on your mind, Rae?” She asked.

Raven quickly shook her head and got her mind back in order.

“No, I’m cool,” She answered. “Just thinking is all.”

“Were you thinking about how awesome it was when I hurled that bookball all the way from the in-zone to mid-field?” Cerise bragged. “Or was it about when I sacked that huge Sherwood guy so hard he lost three I.Q. points?”

Raven couldn’t help but chuckle over her friend’s bragging.

“We get it, Cerise,” She laughed. “You’re good at Bookball.”

“Not just good, I’m the best!” Cerise smirked.

Suddenly, the sound of a microphone caused everyone to turn toward the stage and saw none other than Headmaster Grimm standing upon the stage. He was still as pompous and posh as ever, but he was genuinely happy on this night.

“Welcome everyone to Ever After High’s Thronecoming dance,” He announced to everyone. “The school tradition where we celebrate our stories and those who came before us.”

The entire crowd erupted into cheers and applause of celebration. As this went on, Raven felt a weird feeling and turned to see the servers leaving the room. They proceeded to close and lock the door behind them as they went. As if that wasn’t weird enough, the orchestra started playing a strange yet haunting melody.

This certainly didn’t sit well for Raven Queen. She quickly approached Apple and grabbed hold of her arm.

“We need to go!” She said urgently. “Now!”

“But I want to see who gets crowned Thronecoming Queen!” Apple protested.

“Apple, I’m serious!” Raven persisted. “Something bad’s going to happen and we need to leave!”

Up on the stage, Headmaster Grimm kept speaking to the students. He had no idea, however, of a mysterious figure in a hooded cloak walking up behind him. The figure drew back the hood revealing Venrys Baratheon brandishing a dagger. Venrys quickly jammed the dagger through the poor headmaster’s back, causing him to cry out in pain and drop his microphone. The assassin leaned next to the headmaster’s ear with a wicked smirk on his face.

“Queen Cersei sends her regards,” He said menacingly.

The students screamed in horror as their headmaster dropped to the stage, dead as could be. Suddenly, all the servers removed their disguise revealing themselves as Lannister soldiers, appearing up in the balconies armed with crossbows. They started firing at anyone and anything that moved.

“RUN APPLE!!!” Raven yelled. “RUN!!!”

The two started running along with the other students toward the doors. Many of them were shot down in the process as they piled against the doors but couldn’t open them. From the stage ran a multitude of Lannister knights and black knights behind Venrys, all brandishing weapons.

Raven grabbed Apple and pulled her off in another direction as more of their classmates were shot down and others hacked to their deaths by the knights. Suddenly, a crossbow bolt impaled Raven through her right shoulder and she fell to the floor.

“RAVEN!” Apple screamed.

Apple raced over to help her friend off the ground as a few knights raced after them, armed to kill. Using what strength she had, Raven shot her hand and blasted them in the air with her magic. Apple helped her friend to her feet and was able to teleport themselves away from the area. Had she had all her strength, she could’ve saved more. Sadly, many of their classmates were cut down in what they could only describe as… the ‘Red Thronecoming’.

<>

“… We managed to escape the Grimmnasium only to find the rest of our world burning,” Raven continued tearfully. “If only I’d warned everyone else, if I’d been stronger, our friends would still be alive right now. And maybe… our home wouldn’t be burned to ashes.”

Tears flowed down the faces of not only Apple and Raven, but Twilight as well. Hearing the poor girls’ recount of past events, perhaps the worst night of their lives, was undoubtedly heartbreaking to the pony princess.

“I—I’m so sorry,” She croaked.

“I-It just h-happened so s-s-suddenly,” Apple cried. “We d-don’t even know w-why.”

“They just came in and killed anyone in sight,” Raven said somberly. “We don’t even know them!”

That was the part which didn’t make sense in Twilight’s mind. What cold sinister people would come out of nowhere and just kill all in sight? Whoever they were, she hoped she’d never to meet them.

“Well, just know if you ever need anything, my friends and I will be here for you,” Twilight assured them. “You’re part of our company now; as far as I know, that makes you honorary Equestrians.”

The two girls looked toward Twilight Sparkle and smiled tearfully toward the Alicorn princess. Though they were still very sad, it felt good for them to know that they weren’t truly alone. And so they spent the period turning their attention back towards the night sky, as a shooting star passed by.

<>

Eventually, it was the following day and ergo time for the group to resume their journey. They had slight trouble with the fire as Shrek tried to stomp the flames out, only to catch his right foot on fire. But luckily, Rainbow Dash quickly zoomed in with a little black rain cloud and with a few quick stomps she cast a shower of water dousing out the campfire and the flame on Shrek’s foot.

With one problem out of the way, the group proceeded to march their way onward toward their journey’s end. Once again, Pinkie Pie couldn’t help but sing a tune to pass the time…

Pinkie Pie (Sings):
I’m on my way from misery to happiness today
Ah-hah (ah-hah) ah-hah (ah-hah)
I’m on my way from misery to happiness today—

“Hey guys, we’re here!” Donkey said loudly.

“Oh, thank Celestia!” Rainbow sighed with relief.

Twilight and the girls quickly made their way to join the rest of the group who went ahead. Soon as they reached their sides, they looked out at a barren landscape laying in the shadow of a volcanic mountain with a cloud of smoke billowing overhead. They continued their way across the landscape and eventually started climbing the side of the mountain. As they did, they suddenly got a whiff of something foul.

“Oh man!” Rainbow cringed, covering her nose. “What died up here?”

“Smells like a combination of burning rubber and rotting garbage!” Applejack added.

“Ooh… Shrek, did you do that?” Donkey said in disgust. “Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.”

“Believe me, guys, if it was me, you’d all be DEAD!” Shrek emphasized.

“I know what you mean,” Twilight said. “I almost died running into that skunk den during winter wrap up.”

Shrek took a quick whiff of the air to determine what it was.

“It’s brimstone,” He told them. “We must be getting close.

“Yeah right, brimstone,” Donkey said skeptically. “Don’t be talking about brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It didn’t come off no stone neither.”

“Let’s just keep going,” Spike suggested. “The less we think about it the better.”

Eventually, the group reached the top of the climb and hoisted themselves up and over the ridge. They gazed over the volcanic crater and saw what lay ahead. The Dragon’s Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burnt and black. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shined upon the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds blocked out the blue sky above them. Thunder struck and crows circled the castle.

“Yeah… that’s not ominous at all,” Spike gulped.

“Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the location,” Shrek joked.

“Finally, there’s the bridge to the dragon’s keep!” Twilight pointed out. “Let’s keep going!”

Shrek jumped over and approached the bridge, while the rest of the group followed behind him. The most nervous one, aside from Fluttershy, was Donkey.

“Uh, Shrek?” Donkey said nervously. “Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?”

“Oh, aye,” Shrek nodded.

“Well, I have a bit of a confession to make,” Donkey said, gasping at the sight of a skeleton. “Donkeys don’t have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.”

“Oh trust me, Cranky back home sure has loads of layers,” Pinkie giggled. “But I broke through them all and actually got ol’ grumpy pants to smile!”

“Wait a second, Donkeys don’t have sleeves,” Shrek pointed out.

“You know what I mean,” Donkey counterargued.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights too!” Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“Uhh… no. I’m just a bit uncomfortable on being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!”

Suddenly, hot steam spewed from under the part of the bridge they stood over. The hot wind came upon them so quickly, that the manes and tails of the ponies flew skyward as it did for the others. Eventually, the steam simmered down as the lake continued to boil below them.

“Wow… what a warm breeze…” Fluttershy quivered. “It came so… suddenly…”

“That’s because we’re on a bridge,” Rainbow pointed out.

“Oh, I didn’t even notice. And… what bridge is this?”

“The bridge to the Dragon’s Keep?”

“Ohh… the bridge to the Dragon’s Keep…” Fluttershy nodded, growing suspicious. “And the intense heat I’m feeling comin’ up under my hooves?”

“Only the lake of molten lava.”

“Ohh… the lake of molten lava… THE LAKE OF MOLTEN LAVA?!?!”

Fluttershy’s sudden outburst sent the bridge twisting, as the others hung on for dear life. It took the combined efforts of Applejack and Rarity to calm Fluttershy down, as her teeth chattered rapidly, and her body shook like a maraca.

“Come on, you two!” Shrek ushered. “I’m right here bside ya, okay? For emotional support. We’ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.”

“Really?” Donkey asked nervously.

“Really, really.”

“Okay, that makes me feel so much better.”

“Um… I don’t feel I can do this…” Fluttershy whimpered. “There’s a giant dragon waiting for us… not to mention lava is not good for my coat… and this bridge doesn’t feel very safe…”

“Oh, that is so interesting…” Shrek nodded. “Because… I happen to have the perfect remedy for that.”

“Oh, you do!” Donkey smiled.

Shrek and Rainbow Dash faced each other, and they nodded with mischievous smirks. They collectively turned Donkey and Fluttershy back ahead, slowly… and the pair started to get very nervous.

“What are you doing?” Fluttershy whimpered.

Shrek & Rainbow Dash (Sings):
Sing a song.
Yes, a travel song.
That’s what you’ve done all day.

“That’s not funny Dashie!” Pinkie called out.

Shrek & Rainbow Dash (Sings):
Before ya know it,
You’re halfway with me!

“Ignore the fire, and the peril, and the lava!” Shrek advised sinisterly.

“SHREK!!!” Fluttershy and Donkey cried out.

Shrek & Rainbow Dash (Sings):
And I know, all I need, all along, (Donkey: Lemme off, lemme off!)
Is a path, and a pal, and song. (Fluttershy: STOP IT!)
So I’m singin’… (Donkey: Oh no!!!)
And I’m pallin’… (Fluttershy: This is so wrong!)
With you…

“ALL RIGHT… FINE!” Fluttershy cried out, frustrated. “So pushy…”

“It’s okay… I’m right behind you…” Donkey whimpered.

“Just keep moving,” Raven advised. “And don’t look down.”

“Okay, don’t look down,” Donkey spoke nervously to himself. “Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t look down.”

Donkey (Sings):
Why me… why me… (Shrek: There ya go!)

Fluttershy (Sings):
Why Celestia… why… (Twilight: Don’t look down, Fluttershy.)

Donkey (Sings):
I’m too old to wet myself, and much to young to die—

All of a sudden, Donkey stepped through a rotting board, which made him slip and Fluttershy trip on top of him. Their eyes caught the board splashing into the fiery lava below.

“Guys! We’re lookin’ down!” Donkey cried.

“OH, FAUST!!!” Fluttershy crawled back. “I can’t do this! Just let me off, please!”

“But you’re already halfway!” Shrek pointed out.

“But we know that half is safe!” Donkey argued.

“Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this. You go back.”

Shrek tried to press on, while Donkey and Fluttershy tried making their way under Shrek. But between the ogre and the rest of their friends, not to mention how tight the bridge was, there was hardly any space.

“Shrek, no! Wait!” Donkey cried out, terrified.

“Just, fly across, Fluttershy!” Rainbow spoke impatiently. “You got wings!”

“I can’t—too scared!” Fluttershy whimpered.

“Will you girls just calm down!” Rarity called out. “This isn’t the best time!”

“Just, guys—let’s have a dance then, shall we?”

Suddenly, Shrek bounced on the bridge causing it to sway to the side.

“DON’T DO THAT!” Donkey freaked out.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Do what?” Shrek smirked. “Oh, this?”

He bounced the bridge again, and some of the group hung onto the ropes for dear life.

“Yes, that!” Twilight spoke.

“Yes? Yes, do it. Okay!”

And so the ogre continued to bounce and sway as he backed the group across the bridge. Doneky and Fluttershy were backing away terrified, while Pinkie Pie treated this like a ride at a carnival.

“No, Shrek! No! Stop it!” Donkey begged.

“I don’t like these kind of rides!” Fluttershy cried out.

“I love these rides!” Pinkie cheered. “It’s like being at the carnival! WHEE!!!”

“Well… least some pony is enjoying this…” Spike muttered.

“Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…” Apple whimpered worriedly.

“You said do it!” Shrek called out. “I’m doin’ it!”

“NOT FUNNY, SHREK!” Raven cried out.

“I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die…” Donkey whimpered. “Shrek, I’m gonna die…”

“Goodbye, cruel world…” Fluttershy declared.

“Uh, Flutters…” Rainbow pointed out.

It was then that the group noticed that amidst all that insanity, they were currently standing on solid ground… on the other side of the bridge they took. They turned to look into Shrek’s eyes, specifically Donkey and Pinkie, realizing they were okay. Fluttershy breathing heavily, fainted toward the ground as Twilight and Rarity caught her. Donkey and Pinkie, meanwhile, smiled toward Shrek as it slowly dawned on them…

Donkey & Pinkie (Sings):
What did we do to deserve you,
our pal evermore.
We crossed a bridge together.
What a beautiful metaphor.

We’re singin’… (Why me?)
And we’re pallin’… (Why me?)
And we’re travelin’… (Why me?)

Donkey, Pinkie & Shrek (Sings):
With you-oo-oo-oo…

“That’ll do, guys,” Shrek declared. “That’ll do.”

But Pinkie Pie and Donkey wrapped their arms around the ogre, as the others smiled over the cute scene. The ogre merely sighed with a roll of his eyes before slipping out of their grasp and continued their way towards the castle.

“So… where’s this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?” Rainbow asked.

“Inside, waiting for us to rescue her,” Shrek chuckled.

“I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.”

“Do we have to fight the dragon?” Fluttershy asked. “We don’t even know how big it is.”

“If it’s anything like the dragon I ran into when I stumbled into it’s cave… or that one-time you girls went to stop a snoring dragon from polluting the sky…” Spike recalled. “Yeah… we’re on their territory now.”

“Let’s just hope that’s the only creature to worry about,” Twilight hoped. “The sooner we rescue the princess and escape the Dragon’s Lair, the sooner we can leave.”

“Ooh! I love ‘Dragon’s Lair’!” Pinkie cheered. “A bit frustrating to play on hard mode, but the animation has that Don Bluth feel… and the characters are pretty cool… I even heard talk about an upcoming movie—”

Pinkie Pie babbled on as the group slowly made their way through the crumbling archway into the Dragon’s Keep. Only two goals were on their minds: Rescue Princess Fiona… and get out. Of course, had neither of them looked back for even a brief moment, they’d have noticed a dark figure in a top hat watching them.

“Whether skies are clear or dark and cloudy, you can’t hide from me… your Uncle Howdy.”