Tartarus' Kitchen

by Snek Eyes

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Profanity, Fluttershy, Random
Length: 1201

A sibling rivalry like you've never seen before. With innocent ponies in the mix, how will they compete?

Everyone knows Hell's Kitchen, but no one was ready for this rendition!

Two squads of talented, and some not-so-talented, chefs face off against each other to please their head chefs, Celestia and Luna. The Twilight and Lunar Kitchens are in a fiery face-off!

Published 2020-02-29 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-29 03:50:01 UTC

The First (and maybe last) One

It's dinner service for the Twilight and Lunar Kitchen.

"Coming in, appetizers, two scallops, two Caesar salads!" Celestia roared to her crew, all three of them wearing tall chef hats and jackets. "How long?!"

"That'll be two minutes, Chef Celestia!" Rainbow Dash replied from the fish station.

Twilight took her time to say something from the salad station. "One minute out!"

Celestia focused in on the crew. "Which is it, one minute or two?!"

Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked at each other. "Well, I need one minute for the scallop, then one minute to rest."

"But scallops don't rest. One minute!"

"Yes, they do. Two minutes!"

"Hey, come here, you fucking donkeys!" Crankey Doodle Donkey snapped his neck towards the kitchen. The level of hatred he felt was nothing compared to Chef Celestia as her disciples approached her. "One minute, or two?!?!"

"But Chef-"

"ONE MINUTE OR TWO?!"

"..." Rainbow turned to Twilight. Accepting her miscalculation, she amended her answer. She bowed her head as she spoke, "One minute, Chef."

"Thank you! Now, you have ONE MINUTE TO GET ME SOME FOOD!"

"Walking, hot pan!"

The high voice was heard all over the restaurant. It seems Pinkie doesn't know about volume control.

"Two scallops, two Caesar salads, Chef!"

Celestia blinked. Twilight blinked. Rainbow Dash blinked.

"...Right, thank you, Pinkie!" Celestia walked back to the pass to plate up the food. "Pinkie!"

"Yes, Chef!"

"Perfect on the scallops."

"Thank you, Chef!"

***

Over in the Lunar Kitchen...

"Walking in, two risotto. How long?"

Her leg tired quickly from working in the stock, but Applejack wouldn't let sore muscles stop her. Hey, she bucked trees for a living, what was some stirring? "Three minutes, Chef Luna!"

"I'll be counting the seconds!"

"Yes, Chef! Fluttershy, throw down the garnish!"

"Oh, okay!" Fluttershy's timid voice only came out as a squeak, but years of being friends adjusted their ears to her volume. "Garnish, two minutes out."

"Perfect." Luna looked to the Twilight Kitchen in cockiness. "THIS is how you run a kitchen!"

***

"This IS NOT how you run a kitchen! Why would you throw fries down BEFORE THE RAW BEEF?!" The stress of the room was matching the 350 F of the fryer.

"Because they'll take the same amount of time!" Pinkie was so sure, but the proud fall the hardest.

"No, THEY DON'T! Beef is seven minutes, fries are FOUR!" Veins were appearing on Celestia's neck. "FOOOUUUR!!! ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU CAN'T DO A BURGER?!"

"Chef, I can do a burger!"

"THEN DO IT, YOU FAT CUNT!!!"

Every being in the building was shocked to hear such language. That was the one word you never say, and it was said with assertiveness.

"I'm trying, Chef!"

"TRY HARDER!"

The tears were welling up. "Chef, I can't DooooOOoOO this!" Pinkie was wailing in a corner, all eyes on her. "I'm done!"

"That's it, you're going to just leave like a TURD?!"

"Yes, Chef! I'm nothing more than a TURD!"

"Two seconds!"

Celestia picked Pinkie up with her magic, walking to the dry storage.

"Pinkie, talk to me. What's going on?"

"Chef, I don't know if I can do this!"

Celestia hugged Pinkie close. "You can. Yes, you CAN!" One hoof pointed towards the door. "And everyone will see and taste it! But..." Their eyes met. "You have to put your best hoof forward. Understand?!"

One hoof wiped away Pinkie's tears as she answered, "Yes, Chef."

"Good. Now, when you walk out, get a grip and work hard, yes?"

Pinkie stood a bit taller. "YES, CHEF!"

"THERE WE GO! Get going, PINKIE!"

***

"The risotto isn't done! It's pissing stock!"

All eyes were on the pass. Then on Applejack.

"But the garnish," Luna held the asparugus for all eyes to see, "is perfect!"

Then Fluttershy.

"Throw down more rice, NOW!"

"Yes, Chef!"

"Fucking idiots..." Luna turned her attention to Rarity. "Please, for the love of Faust, tell me what you're doing."

"What?! I'm simply organizing the cheese by name!"

"But there's only mozzerella, cheddar, and gruyere! What is there to SORT?!"

"There's no orders to do! What SHOULD I DO, THEN?!"

"Don't be an IDIOT!"

"*Gasp!* I'll have you know-"

"Nothing. You know, NOTHING. Get out of my kitchen."

"But Luna..."

"Did I stutter?" Luna teleported in front of Rarity. "OUT! AND leave your jacket!"

Rarity's lips wobbled before she burst with tears, taking the jacket off, then effectively streaking down the halls of the back of house.

"One less mule in the pack."

Cranky Doodle Donkey's heart couldn't take much more of this.

***

"One Wellington, medium rare, one Arctic Char. How long?"

"Ten minutes, Chef!" Rainbow flew to make sure the oven was on. Unfortunately, she bumped into a very angry, ivory mass.

"Hey, hello, YOUR OVEN ISN'T EVEN ON!" Her eyes were full of fury. "HOW WILL YOU COOK ANYTHING IN A COLD OVEN?!?!"

"BUT CHEF-"

"BUT WHAT?! You're shit! OUT!"

All of the pride built up in Rainbow Dash's life shattered in that instant. "But-"

"OUT!"

Rainbow's wings flew her fast enough that no one saw the tears flowing from her eyes.

***

"Applejack, the risotto's perfect! Fluttershy, garnish is perfect as well!" As Luna called for service, the pride Dash lost went to Applejack and Fluttershy.

"Thank you, Chef!"

"Yes, Chef!"

"Keep the momentum going, yes? You're going good, don't stop now."

"Chef Luna", Big Mac called from his tuxedo. "Order."

"...I can't fucking read this. What IS this chickenscratch?!"

Big Mac's eyes averted the angry mare. "I never... really learned to write."

"Then learn something from Vinyl! Fucking DAMN IT!" The ticket flew straight into the garbage.

***

In the Twilight Kitchen...

"Walking in, two burgers, medium rare, two salmon. How long?"

"Six minutes, Chef!"

"Missy!" Celestia's voice was heard by all at this point. "Salmon takes five minutes, medium rare takes four! ARE WE BACK TO FOUR FUCKING MINUTES, PINKIE?!"

"No, Chef!"

"Then WAKE UP!"

"Yes, Chef!"

"Twilight, why?" Celestia looked at her best student with the most disappointment she's ever felt. "Why are you cooking spaghetti?"

"An order for spaghetti might come in, and I want to be prepared."

"But spaghetti ONLY TAKES FIVE MINUTES! I can't believe you were my best student! You're fucking dumb!"

Twilight shut down.

"Hello?! Twilight?! Wakey wakey!"

"FUCK YOU, CELESTIA!"

Twilight said before leaving the room.

***

"Spaghetti?! Applejack, WHY?!"

"It's best to be prepared for pasta orders!"

"SPAGHETTI DOESN'T TAKE MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES FOR AL DENTE!"

"...Oh."

"It's not risotto, it's SPAGHETTI. Get it STRAIGHT!" Luna shook her head. "Fluttershy, what are you doing?!"

"Um, two minutes on arctic char."

"THANK YOU!"

***

The time has come, at last...

Celestia and Luna stood side-by-side.

"So, who was the best chef tonight?"

"Easily Fluttershy. Consistent, accurate, perfect. How about you, sister?"

"Pinkie. She's weird, but great."

"EVERYONE ELSE, LEAVE!"

Four ponies walked out, leaving their jackets behind as the only evidence they were ever there.

Author's Note

Combining two of my favorite shows to give you... this thing.

Yeah, I was drunk when I wrote this, but have a story or two.

Feel free to comment, and have a good one!