My Life on a Cassette Tape

It had been a splendid day. The walk and shop around Ponyville had been uneventful, not to mention completely vanilla as I refrained from altering it in any way. As we returned home, though, I used the recorder to put us on the reservation list of the Exquisite Cuisine - after all, there was no way in Tartarus we'd make it in otherwise. Now we were dressed in our finest - some of us finer than others.

I wore a nice blazer from my occasional presentations at school functions over a decently pressed white shirt with a black tie and some pinstripe dress pants. Berry wore an audacious - though for her it might've been conservative - red dress that hugged every curve of her body and dipped generously in the front, leaving a good deal of cleavage to be shown off for anypony who happened to look in any direction near her. Periwinkle wore a floral blouse - the most plain out of all of us in honesty - and a shorter black skirt that made it to her knees. Double wore a nice looking three piece suit, a suit he told me was initially intended for the wedding but had been reconsidered since then. Thyme wore a black dress that competed for most scandalous with Berry, with a parting in the cloth that came halfway up her thigh, giving a nice view of her sheer stockings - not to mention the fact it had a boob window. And then there was my Raven.

She wore a white dress whose elegance outshone the rest of us in my eyes. The texture was like layered spiderwebs that fell across her, the intricate patterns shimmering in the light with a light rainbow glimmer. The sleeves did not end as I had initially expected they would, and instead trumpeted out slightly only to come back down to wrap around her delicate hands, tracing the valleys between her lithe fingers. The hem of the dress came down mid calf, and though a part in the dress rose halfway to the knee, it wasn't a scandalous cut like Thyme's but clearly a concession to make the dress more flexible.

Raven had, while we dressed, shown me a new secret of hers with this dress. This dress was made by her own shape shifting ability. By technicality, she was naked right now, but the dress itself looked, and certainly was, real enough. She apparently had some experience with fanciful dresses from her childhood and had used her reference from that to craft her own splendid wardrobe for tonight just for me. I couldn't help feeling immensely lucky, wearing a big dumb grin as we walked up, locked arm in arm, to the Exquisite Cuisine.

It had been decided that up until we entered that we would split into three couples - Double and Thyme, Berry and Periwinkle, and Raven and I. It had the side effect of making two of my mares look exceptionally lesbian, but honestly, not as lesbian as they really were. A thought tickled my brain that I'd have to keep them on a short leash tonight so that I didn't have to break out the recorder which - in accordance with all due caution - was in my pocket. I even wore Gunther's dial around my neck, tucked underneath my shirt. Of course I hadn't brought the chalice, not many ways to sneak that in, and Silver's notepad had been passed off during the day to Twilight, who had come by asking for it so that she could study it, knowing I wouldn't part with any of the other pieces.

I purposed, even as we closed the last bit of distance to the restaurant, that tonight would be a night where not a bit of my artifact would be used to spice things up. It would all be simple, clean fun with zero shenanigans, the artifacts merely on standby in case of emergencies, like if I completely flubbed the conversation and needed a redo or else lose all connections with my favorite cousin. I might have been displaying loads of confidence recently, but my oratory skills, though top notch, were not sufficiently developed to the point I believed myself beyond the ability to completely balls up the entire evening.

Arriving at the door, I walked up to the waiter, or whatever fancy term they used, and asked for our table. "Of course sir, and what is the name for your table?"

"Eh... it should be under Crescendo?" I was already internally panicking. I had made the reservations by cassette player and the receptionist hadn't asked for a name! Honestly the receptionist hadn't asked anything, in fact there hadn't been a receptionist - I was just recording after all. The moments the large pony took, running a finger down the list, did nothing for my nerves. He then tapped on the list twice and nodded.

"Ah yes, Mr. Rousing Crescendo and party. Are all these five ponies yours or is your party still to arrive?" I did my best to not sigh in relief, though I supposed in some ways he probably had enough ponies stressed about their reservations that he would've been used to it; still didn't make me comfortable with doing it. Turning to my ponies with a smile, I made sure they were, in fact, the ones that should've been there.

"Yes sir, these five are with me." It was either that or they had been replaced with exact copies in the few seconds I hadn't been looking.

"Very good, please come this way, I'll help you to your table." He said, taking up several small menus from the stand, another waiter, or really waitress, taking his place as he left it. Beckoning us with a wave of his hand, he moved into the restaurant.

The interiors were amazing, a complete departure from the Ponyville aesthetic. The floors, the part closest to the usual Ponyville, were hardwood, but the wood was polished to a glistening sheen that reflected the ghostly waving of the candles that sat in the wall sconces, providing the majority of the light in the pleasantly low lit interior. The walls, when not covered by elegant paintings that were well beyond my purchasing power, were revealed to be a marble looking stone, and considering how nice the rest of the place was, it wouldn't have surprised me in the slightest if it was real marble; it certainly fit the bill for how ludicrously expensive the rest of the place seemed to be.

Our waiter led us to the table, which itself was an expression of lavish exuberance, made of some dark stained wood that had what looked like silver inlays - only in doubt due to the lighting. On top of the table was a candelabra that gave the table a tad more light. Taking our seats, which were all free standing chairs despite the wall right next to us on one side, we sat down and watched pleasantly, yet awkwardly, as the waiter gave us our menus.

"I am Silver Platter, I will be your waiter for tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks?" He said in a refined tone, handing Berry and Periwinkle a wine list. I had to give him points, the rest of us were a bunch of kids who shouldn't be drinking according to the law. I looked over the drink list real quick, noting their wide variety of drinks that I had never heard of.

"I'll take a rosé wine, just a glass please." Berry said, looking over the list. "The Camelote Fantaisie if you have it available." She passed back the list, the waiter nodding.

"I'll take a sparkling apple cider." Peri said, not even considering the wine list as she passed it over. "Is that Sweet Apple Acres or another brand?"

"It comes straight from Sweet Apple Acres, Ma'am. It is the finest sparkling cider you will ever taste. A refinement on the rustic charms of the local special." Platter said with his customer service smile.

"I'll have that then." Periwinkle smiled with a nod.

"I'll take some cherry water, please." Raven said with her little smile. The waiter nodded, jotting it down on his little notepad.

"I notice on the wine and alcohol list you have ginger beer as a mix in, could I just have that? It's nonalcoholic right?" Double said, somewhat surprising me. He must've snuck a glance at Berry's as it was passed by him, the sneaky stallion.

"Yes sir, it is nonalcoholic, though I must warn you it is quite potent, not quite as smooth as ginger ale." Double nodded to this.

"Yup... I mean, yes sir, I'll have that."

"And for the miss?"

"I'll just have water with some lemon." Thyme said, giving him her best smile. Finally Platter turned to me. I saw something in his eye as he did, a hint of something that shouldn't have been there. I brushed it off, confident in my position.

"I'll have some sparkling apple cider as well. Can I have a cinnamon stick in that?"

"Of course sir, I'll have those out for all of you shortly. Take a moment to look over our appetizers while I fetch those." He said, bowing his head, before moving off in a smooth motion. Looking up at the table with a smile, I breathed out a bit of tension.

"Well, I'm heading over to the bathroom to wash my hands, any of y'all want to join me?" I said, already standing up from the table. "No? Well, time for this stallion to mosey on out." I put the chair back in its place and moved over to the well signed bathrooms.

Drying off my hands as I hummed a gentle tune, I looked up in the mirror and saw a stallion standing behind me. I stepped to the side, expecting him to take the sink I was at, despite the complete availability of the rest of the sinks. I cast another glance at him, but he still stood there, staring at the mirror. I turned and looked at him. He was dressed quite fancily, but just... stood there, staring unblinkingly.

"Uh... you doing alright, mister? Need me to call somepony for you?" I asked, thoroughly wierded out. He continued to stand there. I waved my hand in front of his face, seeing if that did anything, but it didn't. He stayed stock still, unresponsive, though I noticed that his face twitched on occasion. It was odd, not something I was completely sure what to think about. I moved out of the bathrooms and flagged down a waiter as he passed. "Hey, sorry to intrude, but there's a stallion standing in there just staring at the mirror. He's not responding to me and I think he may need some help. Just thought you might want to know."

"Thank you for bringing this to our attention, sir. I'll be sure to send somepony in to make sure they're alright." The waiter said with a smile that showed he was indeed concerned over the matter, but also completely calm and collected. Assured the situation was taken care of, I walked back to my table, smiling at the conversation as I came back.

"And then I slugged the guy, sending him straight to the floor in one hit!" Double explained excitedly, keeping his tone low so as to not interrupt the nearby tables. It was his favorite story to tell, one he had told me a couple of times over the years, about how his boxing instructor had called him weak and teased him for weeks on end, only to get taught a lesson on who not to pick on. "I got a suspension, but even that got over turned when the lead instructor said that knocking out the boxing instructor during boxing practice with proper technique was more A plus material than suspension material." We all got a laugh, and I sat down, happy to be away from the weirdness in the bathroom.

"Hey, Cress," Double said with a smile, I gave him a nod, "you really should learn who to not cross." I paused, his tone completely not in line with his words. "You've made some people very mad. Not a good choice."

"Double... what are you talking about?" I asked, keeping my tone as even as possible.

"He's talking about the Empire, Cress." Berry replied, looking pleasant as ever. "They aren't happy that you made them lose so many resources just to catch you. It's not very nice." I looked at her, and then at the rest of the table, expecting somepony else to join in.

"That story was great, Double!" Raven chuckled. "I had something somewhat similar happen with my gymnastics teacher." I blanched at this.

"Hold up." I raised a hand, getting everypony's attention. "Let's rewind for a second. You all were just talking about the Empire. What was that about?"

"No we weren't..." Double said, looking at me in confusion. "I just told them about the boxing incident. You know the one."

"Yes," I said, feeling very confused myself, "and then I sat down and you yourself told me I needed to watch out who I crossed." Had he done it? I was starting to doubt it myself.

"Cress..." Raven started, and then cast a glance over her shoulder, before looking down at a napkin, flourishing a pen from nowhere, scribbling down a few words before sliding it to me. 'Artifact? Laugh if yes, act like this is a drawing if no.' I blinked a few times, unsure myself. I gave a nervous chuckle, shrugging.

"I mean, I guess?" I said, sliding it back to her. "Look... I guess I'm just tense. Must've heard something wrong, sorry for interrupting."

"Your drinks." Silver Platter said, setting our drinks down one by one. As he set my drink in front of me, he leaned in a tad closer to me. "The Empire doesn't like being made the fool." He then moved away and gave us all a smile. "Have you had a chance to look over what appetizers you want." My mouth felt dry as sandpaper. This whole scenario was freaking me out, and I wasn't entirely certain what to do. I needed to know who it was that was doing this, but even so, I was already pegged as the opponent. I was at a disadvantage. I needed to make my move, but I also didn't want my cousin dragged into this. Maybe he was still seen as a nonthreat, maybe he and Thyme could still get away. I just needed to play it cool.

"And for you sir?" The waiter said, and I realized all the other ponies at the table were looking at me. Taking a quick look at the menu, I saw something I wanted and pointed at it.

"Uh, yeah, can I have this?"

"The Arugula Chestnut Salad, a fine choice. I'll have those out for you in just a moment. If you'll pass me your appetizer menus, I'll bring out your main course menus while you wait." I stiffly handed mine over, my brain flying a thousand miles a minute as I tried to piece the puzzle together. I already had a sense of the power that was being thrown around right now, but its limitations were still unclear. I had one avenue of checking it out. I pulled out my phone and sent off a text message.

Button, get you, your mom, and Brass to Twilight's castle asap

Ok

What's going on?

Empire activity
not sure who
stay away from Exquisite Cuisine

gotcha
when are you getting to Twilight's?
She knows I'm coming right?

She'll know
be there once I got intel
talk to you later

right

I sighed, happy to see that Button at least didn't seem affected, or at least they were playing him pretty convincingly. I could only hope this wasn't another trick. I had to take it on blind faith for now. Switching conversations, I pulled up Twilight's.

Empire activities spotted
not sure who yet

What are you thinking?

Button, mom, and Brass en route to your place
his mom
be there in a bit too with a few more ponies
need to try and get intel on new empire pony
or otherwise
at exquisite cuisine

Don't stay there too long.
I'd advise the utmost caution.
Them knowing you are there already is enough danger you may consider aborting your mission.
Assuming they've notice you.
Stay safe, call or text if you need anything else.

It was almost aggravating how Twilight insisted each text was a complete phrase, but at least she was a fast typer. I couldn't imagine how much more annoying she'd be if she was chicken pecking.

Looking around once more, I scanned for any sign, any hint, as to who was pulling the strings, but quickly returned my gaze to the table, doing my best to not seem scared shitless. This was a bad situation, tactically disadvantageous to say the least. I needed to know my enemy, but there were few things I could do to the other patrons he couldn't imitate. I was in a bad place. I leaned over to Raven, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and whispered,

"Definitely one." She smiled, playing along as we continued our evening, the stinging regret we'd have to bail on this before we saw it through already eating away at me. I adjusted my tie, and at the same time, slipped my fingers into the gap of my shirt, touching the amulet. The word came to a grinding halt, and I stood up as it did. Looking around properly, checking every angle as best as I could, already feeling the edge of fatigue tingling at my fingertips, telling me roughly how long I had like this. Moving through the restaurant, I checked each table, looking for anything suspicious, but nothing stuck out to me. The stallion in the bathroom came to mine, standing there stock still.

The tingling started to reach my shoulder and began to inch its way down my sides. I was running low on tie, but I had to check. I pushed open the door and looked inside. There the stallion was, now on the floor, a waiter putting his finger against his neck. I grimaced, either he was the artifact user and this was the result of him using it, or he was just suffering from a medical condition. I took the moment to pat him down quickly, but found nothing. The itching suspicion touched me that he might be another homunculus, but I had no way of testing that, not now at least. That, and I couldn't be looking for homunculuses... homunculi? I couldn't be looking for them around every corner and in every shadow.

Reentering the dining area, the numbness was taking my left leg, making it harder to walk. I was short on time and had to sit down. I had to rest and regain my strength. I reached my table again, pulling my seat back forward before releasing the artifact. I knew I could've been more thorough. I hadn't patted down everypony and I hadn't gone to the kitchen or any of the back rooms. This wasn't good.

"Your appetizers." Platter said, setting down the dishes. I sighed, trying to calm down as I managed to properly pick up my fork despite the buzzing I still felt. The salad tasted wonderful, which was a relief, but still I was on edge, much as I should be. Casting my eyes about on occasion, I still had no clue.

"This all could've been avoided!" A young mare shouted at her parents in the table beside us. "If only he hadn't angered the Empire, then this wouldn't be happening!" I ate my salad calmly, still unsure, still on edge, still disquieted. Suddenly an idea came to me. I did have something I could make the other ponies do that would be odd, but natural, that the other artifact user might not be able to imitate unless he was lucky. I pressed the record button and whispered into the mic that sat invisibly on the side of my face.

"All the ponies in the store would stop eating for five seconds, making some comment or listening to one, and then would take a bite of food, the waiters would each pause and look at a plate of food, and find some imperfection, excusing themselves if they were at a table and would return to the kitchen to have the problem fixed." I released the record button and watched as the ponies around me all stopped eating, myself doing the same. And then, synchronizing out movements, we each went to take a bite, as I used the dial and paused the world again, the tingling feeling already up my arms. I stood up and quickly looked around.

Everypony at the tables was raising a utensil to their mouth, ready to take a bite. Looking as closely as I could, I found not one pony that wasn't doing it. The waiters then! I checked them, but they were each scrutinizing a dish they were delivering. Was he in the back then? My close scrutiny, mixed with my prior use, was already getting my leg tired. I sat back down, grabbing my fork and taking up a scoop of salad, unpausing us all.

I did my best to not show my concern and paranoia at this scenario, but it was getting harder and harder. I had no clue who was behind this all, and that on its own was enough to keep me on edge.

Suddenly, the entire restaurant stood up, and turned toward my table, the ponies at mine turning towards me. They all raised a finger, pointing at me, and started to laugh wildly for what seemed like hours on end, despite it only lasting a few seconds before they all started chanting,

"He doesn't know! He doesn't know!" in a singsong mocking tone. Raven set her hand on my shoulder and smiled at me like a teacher looking condescendingly at a slow student, a thinly veiled insult disguised in love and patience.

"If only you hadn't messed with the Empire, you would be so much better off!" Raven said, or at least, her voice did. I looked about the rest of the group, each of them still mocking me like before. There was no way, I thought, to catch the perpetrator. And then an idea struck me. I might be able to use the amulet one last time. Prodding it once more, my arms already buzzed in fatigue. Standing up, I moved through the crowd, quickly looking for anypony else who might've escaped the artifact's reach, even as my limbs well more and more tired.

NOTHING! Everypony was standing, everpony pointing, all of their mouths open in mocking me, each lip on the same syllable. I flopped back down, breathing deeply, before releasing the amulet's power, returning to the mocking me for a few moments before going back to normal. The silence was almost more horrid than the noise, the anticipation of the next attack eating away at me. I needed to get out of this, but I also needed to get the identity of the new artifact user in my belt. I needed to know!

The terrifying thought struck me. I hadn't noticed the new artifact user anywhere I had looked. There were a few options I could think for this. He was here and he was just good at hiding, he was here and I had just overlooked him, or he just wasn't here. But if we wasn't here, he could be anywhere! There was no limit I could impose upon him within reason. I was trapped. I did have one more option though.

I could just get out of Dodge, leaving this all behind, but I would have to leave with all my ponies, and make sure we didn't have anyone who could tail us. We couldn't leave the front door, that would make us too easy to follow, and I didn't feel right about just up and leaving without paying for the stuff we had enjoyed so far, even if I had a sub-one star experience. It wasn't their fault after all, it was this artifact user that was hounding me. I sighed, giving one last glance about the room, looking at the surrounding patrons. Nothing. Not one thing. I had to abort. Maybe Twilight could help logic out some sort of answer to this. I pressed the record button with a sigh.

"My mares, Double, Thyme, and me all teleported into a random field. Enough bits were left on the table to cover all the meal's expenses along with a note explaining an emergency came up and we had to leave in a hurry... and that I was terribly sorry for bailing." I whispered quietly into the mic before I released the record button. Suddenly the world flashed white, leaving us in a field, just as I had directed. I loosened my tie in frustration.

"Uh... what just happened, where's the restaurant? Is one of those magical anomalies Ponyville is famous for happening right now?" Double asked, looking around in confusion.

"No, not exactly." I replied, frustrated beyond belief as I stomped about, trying to piece together what I could say. "Look... there's something going on, something bad, and I haven't told you because I wanted you out of it, but now... now you're under threat and I can't keep you in the dark." Double looked greatly concerned. Good, he had every right to be.

"I'm... under threat?" He reiterated, processing that information, "Cress, you're going to have to be a tad more specific than that."

"I will be in a moment, but you have to trust me, what I'm doing is so that we can stay safe." I told him, looking down to the recorder as I brought it out, clicking record once more. "My mares, Double, Thyme, and myself teleported to another random field." I whispered. No mistakes, no tails, this was serious.