I sighed as I put the truck in park and took the keys out of the ignition. I sat there for a moment and contemplated just leaving, but the thought of losing my job kept me where I was. I didn't even like my job all that much, but it put bread on the table so it was good enough for me.
I worked for a small government agency that, on paper, was supposed to help with any non-emergency incidents involving the aliens that called themselves ponies. In reality, I was basically lower budget animal control. Seriously, there weren't even any ponies in this area. Pony immigrants were rare and tended to stay near the portal back to their home world, which was in the next state over. I'd never even seen a pony in real life.
This has made me the butt of plenty of jokes among those that have seen me in uniform. My job mostly consisted of getting yelled at by strangers for being a 'waste of tax money', sitting bored in my truck surfing the web, or responding to false calls. Noone was worse about false calls than the man that lived in the house I was parked in front of.
Mr. Morris was a nice enough guy, but he was a bit of a nutter. He seemed to have some sort of obsession with the aliens that appeared a couple years back. He called in at least once a week saying that a pony knocked over one of his house plants or something along those lines, and I'm required to respond to all calls. Most of the stuff he called in for could easily be chalked up to something his cat did when he wasn't looking. I supposed I should be grateful to the old coot. At least his calls broke up the monotony of my normal routine.
I sighed again before putting on my best business smile and stepping out of the truck. Mr. Morris stood on his porch, waiting as he usually did when I pulled up to his house.
"Good morning Mr. Morris," I said in a chipper sounding voice.
"Good morning Anonymous."
"What can I help you with today?"
"Those damn ponies are back again."
"And what are they doing this time?"
"One of them got their head stuck in my fence. It's in the back yard. The others are just hanging around waiting for it to get unstuck."
I'd be a liar if I said my eyebrow didn't raise a little. This was definitely one of the weirder calls I had gotten from Mr. Morris.
"Alright, I guess I'll head around back and see if there's anything I can do. Is there anything else I need to know?"
When he responded in the negative I began to head around back. The house had tall concrete walls going down the property line that acted as privacy fences along the sides of the back yard. They blocked my view of the back side, which was made of a shorter chain link fence with a view of the river that ran through town a few feet away from the fence.
When I rounded the concrete dividing wall, I stopped in confusion at what I saw. A group of ponies were hanging around the back of the fence just as Mr. Morris had said. One with a purple coat had half of its body through the fence and seemed to be struggling to get out. A white one, the biggest of the group, was standing nearby looking down at the purple one with concern on its face. Two more, a pink one and a dark blue one, were floating in the water like ducks and watching the situation from a distance. The white one and the blue one had long manes that flowed in a nonexistent breeze and I noticed that all of them had both horns and wings.
I recognized all but the one stuck in the fence. I had seen them on the news a few times, but for the life of me I couldn't remember any of their names. They were apparently the rulers of the nation of ponies on the other side of the portal. I stood there dumbstruck by the fact that Mr. Morris wasn't full of shit for once. I only sat there looking stupid for a minute before I figured I should actually do what was in my job description. I waved to get their attention as I began walking up to the scene.
"Good morning ladies," I said, trying to hide my nervousness. My voice caught the attention of all four alicorns and they all looked at me curiously. "I'm Anonymous from the American Pony Aid Department. I got a call that someone was stuck in a fence. Do you need any help?" They just continued to look at me curiously before the white one returned to watching the purple one struggle with worry on her face. I took that as my cue to step in.
"Alright, I'll just... try and get her out."
I walked over and crouched down to the fence pony's level and tried to assess the situation while she continued to struggle. The holes in the chain link fence were much larger than a normal one. Clearly it wasn't actually meant to keep anything in or out. It probably just acted as a property marker or as a guard rail so Mr. Morris wouldn't fall into the river on accident while he was gardening. Somehow the pony had managed to squeeze herself halfway through one of the gaps before getting stuck. One of her wings was through while the other was not and the wire of the fence hugged her barrel closely on all sides. It looked pretty uncomfortable, but the wire wasn't digging into her skin and I didn't think I'd have to get the bolt cutters from my truck.
"How the hell did you manage this?"
It was while I was making this assessment that I got smacked upside the head and nearly got knocked over. I turned around and saw the white one puffing up her chest and spreading her wings in what I assumed was an intimidation display. It didn't work. If anything, she looked adorable.
"What was that for?" I asked in irritation.
When I got no response I went back to work. I started trying to push the pony back through the fence, making sure the wire wasn't digging in as I went. She began to freak out as I worked, making panicked noises and thrashing around a bit in the fence.
"Hey, hey. Easy. You're fine. I'm not hurting you," I cooed, trying to calm her down. A white wing shot out and hit my arm. "Ow!" I turned to the big one again, letting the irritation seep into my voice.
"Would you buzz off?"
She hit me with her wing again.
"Don't you have a country to rule over or something? I thought national leaders were supposed to be mature."
Hoping she'd stop, I turned to continue my job. I even managed to get the purple one a few inches closer to freedom before the big one hit the back of my head again, still doing the intimidation routine.
"Really?" I snapped. "What are you, seven?"
She nailed me in the stomach, causing me to let out an 'oof'. This time I swatted her on the nose like a misbehaving dog. She flinched and backed up a step.
"Yeah, doesn't feel so good, does it?"
She began to step forward again but I raised my hand like I was going to bop her again and she quickly backed off out of my reach. I began to turn. I kept an eye on the white one, knowing she'd come in for another blow. When my back was turned, I saw movement in my peripheral vision and quickly stood back up and raised my bopping hand. She stopped her forward movement and quickly backpedaled out of my reach again, hissing in defiance of my biological WMD.
"Did you just hiss at me?" I asked incredulously.
I took a few steps toward her and she continued to back up, expecting to get hit. I fake charged half a step and she turned and fled into the safety of the water, where the other two watched in what appeared to be amusement. The pink one even giggled into one of its wet hooves.
"That's right. You stay over there or you get bopped again."
I returned to the fence and began working. It took a few minutes, but I managed to get her wing unstuck.
I heard the White Menace leave the water. I was prepared. I waited until she got close before I turned and bopped her snout again, dazing the White Devil momentarily. I took the presented opportunity and snatched the tiara from atop her head as she recovered from the devastating blow I had dealt her.
When she had gained her barring. She looked up at me with a rage that was usually reserved for geese. I gave her a smug grin as I held up the tiara. Her expression flipped like a light switch to complete shock before shifting to frustration.
"You want this back?" I asked in a challenging tone.
She stamped her hoof on the ground and snorted like a bull about to charge a matador, a determined look crossing her face. Before she got the chance, I reeled my arm back and chucked the tiara clear across the river. It was a beautiful throw that any professional baseball pitcher would be proud of. As it sailed, the White Menace stood stunned for a second, clearly not expecting such a maneuver. She recovered quickly, however. Not wanting to lose the tiara she shot into the air and flew after it.
I knew I only had a few moments before she found the headgear in the tall grass and returned to take her vengeance. I moved swiftly as I worked to free the purple one from her wiry prison. I got the last leg free and she popped out of the fence and landed squarely on her butt inside the yard. I reached over the fence and easily scooped the adorable mare from the ground. I turned and jogged over to the edge of the water by the two spectators and gently deposited the newly freed pony into the water to be with her kind once again. The blue and pink ones welcomed her back with open arms.
I looked to the other side of the river just in time to see the White Menace replacing the tiara on her head and begin her return flight.
I put some space between me and the others as she landed in front of me. She started looking back and forth between me and the purple one, caught between trying to keep an eye on me and seeing if her little friend was okay. Finally, she seemed satisfied with the state of her friend and dropped out of her intimidation stance, but I remained ready for anything just in case.
I gestured to the purple pony and said "There, you happy? She's free and safe. Now why don't you fuck off back to pony land and stop beating me with your wings." She began to approach me once again.
'Here we go again.' I thought.
She stopped a few inches away and looked up at me with a scrutinizing stare. Before I could react, she lunged in and kissed me on the cheek. I flinched back at the sudden contact and stood stunned at what had just happened. I must have looked pretty dumb because she giggled at me.
"Thank you Anonymous," she spoke for the first time before turning and rushing back into the water with the others. The pink one waved at me with a very pleased look on her face and they all began floating down the river like a bunch of ducks.
I stood there and watched them go for a minute before sighing to myself.
"Fuckin' ponies man."
Author's Note
This was extremely fun to write. If you find any glaring mistakes please point them out.
I was thinking about making a sort of continuation to this where Anon starts getting more actual calls with ponies in weird situations. If that's something you'd like to read, let me know.
Edit: Furlok Serket reminded me that this exists. Source is evehly on Derpibooru.
Also, nearly 200 likes in the first 24 hours and top of the featured box! You guys rock!
