Human's Guide to Surviving Equestriaby setablaze53ChaptersChapter 1: The BasicsChapter 2: Pony RacesChapter 3: Pony AnatomyChapter 4: Living in the CastleChapter 5: LanguagePreludeChapter 1: The BasicsChapter 1: The Basics Alright, let’s start off simple. You’re not in Kansas anymore, kid. The first thing you should know is that you are on the planet Equus, probably in the country of Equestria. For some reason the English language, written and spoken, lines up almost exactly with the Equuish language that the entire world of Equus speaks and writes. I know that can be kind of mind boggling, but that brings me to my first topic of discussion. Section 1: Don't Think About It Yes, you read that correctly. As much as I'd like to pass that off as a joke (and normally I would), it is for the sake of your own sanity that if you see or hear something that you just can't believe, don't think about it. You'll save yourself a lot of sleep that way. I would be a liar if I said I didn't lay awake at night thinking about some of the 'cursed image' level shit I've personally seen since I got here. I'm not sure if Jay is the same in that regard, but I somehow doubt it. I'm not sure he has the brain capacity to come up with a decent 'yo mama' joke, let alone question his own existence. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. One of the things you absolutely need to know about this world falls under this category. Everyone and their mom knows this here except you, so I'm going to use it as an example so you don't get totally blindsided by it when it inevitably comes up in conversation. It's a bit of a doozy, so prepare yourself. Are you ready? Equus follows the geocentric astrological model. That means not just the moon, but the sun too rotates around the planet. Now here's the real kicker. You know those tall ponies sporting the wings and horns, aptly named Luna and Celestia? They control the celestial bodies that rotate around the planet. I'll give you three guesses as to which one drags what flying ball of death through the sky every day. Now that that has hopefully sunken in, you see the point I'm trying to make. Sometimes, blissful ignorance is preferable. Just don't think about it. It's healthier for you that way. Section 2: Magic Magic is a thing here. I'm not talking about good ol' sleight of hand either. Actual magic, like you'd read about in a fantasy novel, is real here. I have no idea if magic exists back home and we just can't access it, or if our homeworld is completely devoid of what the natives consider a basic building block required for life to form. I'll get in depth with this topic later, but what you need to know about it for now is that it exists. If you haven't seen it yet, ask Luna to levitate something for you. You see that colorful aura surrounding the floating object and Luna's horn? That's magic. And before you ask, no. You can't perform magic. We've tried. Numerous times. It sucks, I know, but think about it this way. No other race on Equus can perform magic either, just ponies, and the majority of them can't do it in the way you just saw. Hope that makes you feel a bit better about it. Or you could just not think about it. That works too. Also, you should probably pick your jaw up off the floor. You're gonna let flies in. Section 3: The Species of Equus Once again, I'll get into this more later, but here's the rundown. Unlike Earth, where humans are the only sentient beings on the planet, Equus is home to many species that can talk back. This list includes ponies (obviously), minotaurs, gryphons, dragons, zebra, etc. As a rule of thumb, any mythological creature you can think of probably exists here, and there's about a 50/50 shot that it can hold an intelligent conversation with you. I think that should do it for the basic stuff. There's plenty more I could go over, but I don't want this chapter to be overly long and in depth when I'll be covering this stuff in more detail later. Just remember. Don't think about it. Author's Note Alright, well here's this. Feel free to point out any errors you find. I plan for this to be a one subject per chapter kinda thing, but that might change in the future. Who knows? If you think of a topic you'd like to see covered in a future chapter let me know. I have a list of things to cover at some point, but you might come up with something I haven't. Chapter 2: Pony RacesChapter 2: Pony Races As you may or may not have noticed by now, there is more than one race of pony walking around. This chapter will give basic knowledge on all races that we can find info on. As a general rule of thumb, you can basically continue with the mindset that ponies are just talking animals. Don’t get the wrong idea, they have their own ideas and culture. What I mean is that they have many similarities to what we would consider animals back on Earth. For example, like Earth horses, ponies have a group mentality and can startle easily. We’ll get more into pony psychology later. Just keep in mind that while you should treat them like animals, don’t treat them like thoughtless animals. Now, let’s get back to learning about ponies. Section 1: They Are Adorable If you haven’t noticed already that ponies as a species are heart-stoppingly cute, you should either open your eyes or stop reading this because you are blind and this book is not written in braille. Section 2: Pony Races There are three main categories of pony race you should be aware of. Those three are unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. Unicorns and pegasi are exactly what they sound like. If you know any mythology at all, you will have some idea of what you’re dealing with. Earth ponies are a little more mundane, but no less interesting. While there are other races of pony, most of them tend to be subcategories for the big three. Earth Ponies We’ll start with the most basic race. Earth ponies will probably be fairly confusing to you, if only due to their name. Obviously, they are not from our home world. The “earth” in their name is referring to the ground or dirt. (As a side note, never call an earth pony a “dirt pony” unless you feel like getting punted across a field.) Earth ponies are the most tame of the races appearance wise and are the closest thing you will get to a horse from back home. They are ridiculously strong physically and make up most of the agricultural base of society here in Equestria, and they are damn proud of it. Many of them have a green thumb, or hoof in their case, and can grow just about anything if given time and the right equipment. This is due to them having a passive form of magic that gives them a connection with the earth around them. Pegasi Pegasi are exactly what you think they are. Ponies with wings. You might notice how small their wings are. If you found an Equestrian pegasus on Earth they wouldn’t be able to fly, but don’t tell them that. Wing size is a sensitive subject to pegasi. Here though, they have magic to help keep them aloft. If you decide to make friends with a pegasus, just be prepared to have your personal space violated fairly often. They don't mean anything by it, it's just how they were raised. If they get a little too close for your liking, just ask them to back off and you should be good. Most pegasi that spend lots of time on the ground tend to try and break that habit, but those that live in cloud cities (we'll get more into that later) have a harder time controlling themselves. While I personally don't like having a pegasus floating in my face, I do get a kick out of how embarrassed they get when they realize what they're doing. Pegasi, like earth ponies, have a passive form of magic. Unlike earth ponies though, a pegasus has a connection to the sky. This magic allows them to be able to physically touch clouds and even control the weather. Unicorns Unicorns are earth ponies with horns. Don’t say that out loud unless you feel like getting stabbed, but it’s true. If you live anywhere near the princesses, these guys will be the majority of those around you. They lack the physical strength and green thumbs of earth ponies, but have magic instead. This is absolutely my biased opinion, but unicorns are like those guys that put brass ballsacks on the hitch of their pickups. The owner thinks they’re cool, but everyone else knows they’re just overcompensating for something. Unicorns rely on their magic more than teen girls from Earth rely on pumpkin spice. They use it for everything. I can’t exactly blame them for it though, I’d hate not having hands too (picking everything up with your mouth isn’t an appealing thought). This would all be fine and dandy if they understood that magic didn’t make them special. The reason most nobles are unicorns is because they annoyed everyone else out of the competition. They think they’re better than the other races (hence why “dirt pony” is a derogatory term). In gamer terms, these guys think they are the PC master race, when in reality they are just six year old squeakers screaming profanities through their Xbox mic on CoD. Unicorn supremacy aside, let’s move on to mine and Jay’s favorite race. Thestrals These guys are walking badasses. They look like someone crossbred a pegasus with a bat (or dragon). The vampires of this world were inspired by the appearance of thestrals. It is due to this inspiration that many non-thestrals run at the sight of one. There aren’t many of them and they tend to be a bit reclusive, so they’re rare to find outside the capital. While most ponies are technically omnivorous, they wouldn’t eat meat if their lives depended on it. Thestrals, on the other hand, eat meat on a regular basis. If you asked one to catch you something while they were out hunting, they’d probably do it. I recommend eating with these guys whenever you possibly can. It’s nice to be able to eat a ham and cheese sandwich and not have the rest of the room run away in a panic. They are the only predator species of pony that are known. Due to their predator status, they make the best fighters Equestria has to offer. Most of the elite guard is made up of thestrals, but some of them are disguised as other races so as to not scare others and so the nobles think they actually have a fighting chance in hell. Don’t let any of this discourage you though. Even with the stigma around them, thestrals have had the best track record of any pony race I’ve met when it comes to kindness and reliability, and their loyalty is nigh unwavering. In this world, thestrals are truly a man’s best friend. If you want to make friends, get a least a few of these guys in your posse. Luna might be willing to lend you some of her night guards if you ask nicely. Sea Ponies We actually don’t know much about these guys other than that they exist. Jay wanted it stated that one of his friend’s uncle’s great great granddad’s fourth cousin saw one once, so there’s your proof. Oh yeah, they live in the sea (if that wasn’t already obvious). Crystal Ponies If you come across one of these guys, be respectful. It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive, if I find out you're messing with a crystal pony, I'll send Jay your way. And noone wants that. (If you're curious about why you don't want this, ask Luna about the Cheese Wheel Incident. She probably won't explain anything, but the thousand yard stare she gives you should be all the evidence you need.) Crystal ponies are ponies with a unique trait that makes them look like they are made of pure crystal. These guys have had it rough. They mostly stick around the Crystal Empire to the distant north of Equestria. They are a much older race than many realize and their history goes a little something like this. They once ran a prosperous kingdom to the north, and were great allies with Equestria. One day a powerful unicorn wielding extremely dark magic killed the current ruler and usurped the throne. This douche-nozzle's name was Sombra, and he was sort of like the pony equivalent of Hitler. (Actually, Stalin might be a better comparison.) He forced the entire kingdom, and therefore the entire crystal pony race, into slavery and forced them to work in his crystal mines. Celestia and Luna fought the bastard, but in a last ditch effort to save himself Sombra banished the Crystal Empire, everyone in it included, to the shadow realm. (That's not actually what it's called, but I like to think of it that way.) It reappeared a millennia later and the Elements of Harmony (more on these later), along with Princess Cadance and some others, managed to retake the Empire and destroy Sombra. The crystal ponies are free again and Cadance rules over the Empire now. Alicorns Alicorns are the linchpins of Equestrian society. They are cultural icons, and without them it seems quite possible that Equestrian society could fall apart at the seams. To outsiders, that may seem like a blatant weakness for any enemy to exploit. Don't be fooled though. Alicorns are essentially demigods. They live for so long that there is no record of an alicorn dying of natural causes. In fact, there is no recorded case of an alicorn dying period. There are currently only three of them in existence, and they are all rulers. There apparently used to be more of them, but Celestia and Luna don't talk about what happened to them and Cadance is too young to know. Alicorns are what happen when you combine the big three and jack them full of steroids. They have earth pony strength, pegasus wings, and unicorn horns. Each one has a strong connection to a very specialized form of magic that tends to be unique to them. Celestia has a unique connection to the sun. Luna has a unique connection to the Moon. Cadance has a strong connection to love of all things. While they may be terrifyingly powerful, don't be scared of them. They are known for their kindness and benevolence (thank god for that). That should wrap up what Jay and I currently know about the different pony races. There may be more, but we just don't know what they are at this time. Author's Note I had most of this chapter prewritten in two different docs whose subject material kind of overlapped. Anything that overlapped was taken and whichever one I liked the writing of better was used. I saved some scraps I may use for future chapters. If this chapter seems stitched together, that's why. I read over it a couple times to try and make it flow as best I could. If it reads funny to you guys, let me know. Chapter 3: Pony AnatomyChapter 3: Pony Anatomy It occurs to me that the last chapter may have been a little... heavy in some areas. And since you're still new to all this, it might be good for me to pull back a bit and talk about something a little more lighthearted. This time around we're talking about no-no zones. I know this seems strange, but knowing some basic facts about how ponies work could be the difference between you being able to get away with just about anything, or you ending up getting kicked through a wall. Section Only: Petting Zones and Friendship Levels Required to Achieve Them Every race of pony loves to be pet, and I mean loves. Of course, there are no-go zones when it comes to petting ponies. Most of said no-go zones should be obvious to anyone with more than three brain cells. Other than that, everything else is free game when it comes to petting ponies. (As a side note, DO NOT slap a pony on the ass, in jest or otherwise. You WILL get kicked. Jay learned this the hard way, and he got two broken ribs for his effort.) Please be aware that where you are allowed to pet a pony is based on the relationship you have with said pony and the level of closeness you have to them. The list below will give you a basic understanding of friendship levels required to pet ponies in certain places. Strangers You probably shouldn’t pet the pony. Aquatinted Anything past head pats is not advisable. Friends This is where you greatly expand your petting horizons. The head is free game. Head pats, cheek rubs, ear scritches (they love that one), they’re all yours for the taking. You are also allowed access to their backs and necks. As a rule of thumb when petting the adorable fluff balls, touching of the horn or wings is strictly forbidden, unless stated otherwise. I’ll tell you why when you’re older. Good Friends This is where you get to the good stuff. It is at this level that you normally gain access to the pony’s belly. Nothing more needs to be said. (I know what you’re thinking and yes, they do kick their legs like dogs. Just make sure you are out of the line of fire when they start kicking. Jay learned that the hard way too.) If you would like to test any of this knowledge, tell Luna. She would gladly let you pet her in any of the previously mentioned friendship levels. P.S. Luna likes chin scratches. P.P.S. If you ever get to pet Celestia, she really enjoys belly rubs. She gets the most dopey grin on her face. You have to see it yourself to truly understand just how precious it is. Author's Note Now to follow the longest chapter so far with the shortest one. Hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did writing it. I know the chapter title is a bit misleading. It's meant to be. Also, you know those scraps I mentioned in the last author's note? Yeah, those went here. Chapter 4: Living in the CastleChapter 4: Living in the Castle Chances are you'll need a place to stay during your terminal visit to Equestria. It wouldn't surprise me if the princesses have already offered to let you stay in Canterlot Castle. I would highly recommend taking this offer for many reasons. You get to live in a fucking castle! Taking the offer will make this book much more relevant to you. Jay and I took the offer and this book is based off of our experiences. I can assure you that the company of the princesses will be a boon to your mental health just as your company will be a boon to theirs. (They're kinda lonely. It's hard to make friends when everyone you know worships you like gods.) You get to live in a fucking castle! There is also a small chance that Celestia offered to set a place up for you in Ponyville. If this is the case, tell her to take that offer and shove it where her cutie mark don't shine. Trust me, you don't want to live in Ponyville, no matter how much Celestia tries to convince you it's a nice place. (We'll get to Ponyville later.) Assuming you have accepted to stay in the castle, this chapter will help acclimate you to living with royalty. Section 1: Getting Used to the Castle Itself As you might have realized, Canterlot Castle is a big place. It's labyrinthine halls are easy to get lost in. I once took a walk through a less crowded part of the castle to clear my mind and found myself three stories above where I started without taking any stairs. I think there are enchantments scattered around to confuse intruders, but I can't be sure because anytime I ask about it Luna just gives me a knowing smirk and ignores the question. Fine, keep your secrets horse lady. I'm almost certain that's the case though, because if you ask a guard or maid to take you anywhere you'll be there in no time. It probably has something to do with their uniforms. The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't be stubborn about asking for directions unless you have five hours to kill and don't actually want to get where you're going. Section 2: Guards Of course, living with the rulers of a nation comes with the benefit of always being watched unless you're in your own room. You may have noticed the golden statues standing around in the hallways or by doors. I can assure you, they are alive. Most guards are pretty chill in my experience, but there are some unspoken rules when it comes to interacting with them. Most things are just common sense, like don't touch their weapons and stuff like that. Other rules are more unspoken. Different posts are for different things. If you find yourself lost, feel free to ask any guard on patrol or standing by a door for directions. One of them may even lead you to your destination if their post isn't super important. Technically you can ask a guard in the middle of the hallway, but you won't get a response. Hall guards are literally there to play statue. Also, please don't try to make hall guards laugh or show emotion. If a commanding officer finds out someone in that post broke character, they can get in serious trouble. Think of Equestrian hall guards like the British Queens Guard or guards for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. You can however go and hang out with off duty guards in the barracks if you get bored at any point. Section 3: Dealing With Nobles No matter how kind or patient a person you may be, you will come to hate these guys as much as I do. Some things are universal, and hating rich snobs is one of those things. In all honesty, I'd recommend avoiding them like the plague. In hopes of helping you achieve this goal I have compiled a small list of red flags that you may be in the presence of a noble. If they're a unicorn, they're probably a noble. The vast majority of nobles are unicorns for reasons stated previously in the 'Pony Species' chapter. If they wear clothes that aren't some form of uniform, they're probably a noble. Clothes are expensive due to ponies not normally wearing them for anything but special occasions, and wearing them in casual settings is considered a status symbol. Of course, this does not apply to you in their eyes because you are not a pony, you filthy plebeian you. If they are shorter than you and you still have to look up to see their nose, they're probably a noble. I don't think this one requires explaining. If they're offended by the fact that you aren't ~~inbred~~ from a pure bloodline, they may be a noble. You filthy mudblood you. If they have any stereotypically fancy sounding accents, they're probably a noble. I honestly have no idea why so many nobles have foreign accents. I'm pretty sure they're just faking it. Also, nobles tend to be extremely whiny. If they are offended by your mere presence, they are probably a noble. If you can tell from a single look that jumping from their ego down to their IQ would be fatal, they're probably a noble. ~~If they brown nose Celestia~~ Actually, that's pretty much everyone around here. If you see a maid running full speed down the hallway, you should join them. A noble is probably about to round a corner. Now that you can properly identify nobles at a glance, you should be able to avoid having any contact with them, right? Wrong! Somehow, someway, you will always end up bumping into one of them. I swear, the little pests crawl out of the nonexistent floor boards like cockroaches. They come out of nowhere. And god forbid that you stumble upon one of their little parties in the gardens. It's hard to get the smell of smug out of clothes, let me tell you. There isn't much you can do about them being around, though many have their own ways of dealing with them. It's really up to you how you choose to go about this. Jay just ignores them, even when they talk directly at him. My preferred method is to insult them so bad that by the time their brain reboots, I'd walked away ten minutes ago. I've done this often enough that it's become a reflex for me, and no matter how many times I insult the same nobles, the idiots keep coming back for more. Luna finds this hilarious. Celestia on the other hand, does not. That brings me to my next topic of discussion. Section 4: Dealing With Celestia Don't get me wrong, Celestia is an amazing friend to have. It's just that while Luna is like a cool sister, Celestia is like an overbearing mom. She can be a bit of a killjoy sometimes. She's a very straight laced pony and doesn't like it when people mess with each other. In other words, she's not mad, she's just disappointed. Too bad for her, I reserve the right to insult anyone I damn well please. If someone does or says anything I find mind numbingly stupid, you bet your sweet ass they're gonna get a faceful of insults. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. There is a secret way to completely sidestep Celestia's disapproval though. If by some chance you find yourself in Celestia's bad graces for the day, just bribe her with cake. Any cake will do. Bonus points if you made it yourself. (You'd get tired of gourmet food too if you'd eaten it every day for the last millennium.) Give her some cake and all past sins are forgiven. While I do recommend abusing her weakness for baked goods, I do not recommend you stick around and watch her eat it. It can be quite traumatizing. Drop off the package and run for the hills. Well, that should cover most of the surface level stuff about living in Canterlot Castle. Enjoy your new luxury suite and immunity to being reprimanded by a sun goddess. I won't say you've earned it, but after getting ripped from your home world, I'd certainly say you deserve it. Author's Note Alright, here's where I'm at right now. I've had minimal homework today. I spent nearly 4 hours today blacksmithing in my favorite class. In said class I unexpectedly got invited by one of the TAs to start learning how to use a power hammer to make swords and knives. One of the other guys learning how to use the machine brought red bull for us to drink. I'm going back tomorrow morning to possibly start making my first knife. I also drank a bunch of soda with my dinner. I'm in a great mood and I'm probably not getting any sleep tonight, so I figured I'd crank a couple of these bad boys out for you guys. Edit: 10. If you try and get in bed but can't because an enemy is nearby, there may be a noble outside your dirt hut. You can probably tell how much fun I had writing the noble section. Chapter 5: LanguageChapter 5: Language One of the first things I mentioned in this Guide was how the English and Equuish languages, both written and spoken, line up almost perfectly. I thought it might be interesting to dive into that a bit. Section 1: Language Barriers This section is more food for thought than advice. As previously stated, the world of Equus speaks and writes almost exclusively in Equuish. This can be a good or extremely bad thing depending on the person. If said person doesn't know any English, they're kinda screwed. Besides the fact that communication with anyone on this planet would be practically nonexistent, it also occurs to me that this guide would be completely useless to them. The only thing they'd be able to do at that point is commit to learning the language or have extremely rudimentary conversations with the worlds inhabitants via drawings or through similar methods. Even if they did decide to learn the language, the going would be rough until they had a fair grasp on it. Conversely, if they can already speak or read English the language barrier wouldn't be a problem, and the fact that there's only one barrier means that it could be abused quite easily. Jay and I do this quite frequently. We took some German classes back in high school because it was required to graduate. Jay hated it, but it didn't bother me. In fact, I was pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. I'd write a copy of the Guide in German, but I'm not as practiced in writing it as I am speaking it. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. In the section about nobles in the last chapter, I mentioned my penchant for insults, but that isn't my only way of dealing with unwanted conversation. If I don't want to talk to someone, and don't feel like coming up with creative insults, I'll just respond to everything they say in German. They'll get confused and will eventually leave me alone. It also helps to have private conversations between Jay and I. If you happen to be bilingual, I recommend using it to your advantage. The language barrier can be your friend here. Speaking of insults, that leads me into my next topic. Section 2: Pony Curses and Derogatory Terms After going back and rereading what I wrote in Chapter 2 about earth ponies, I got curious about about what words ponies may find offensive coming from the mouth of another pony in everyday conversation. I don't get many chances to talk to normal ponies outside the castle because I don't have any reason to leave the castle grounds. Going around asking total strangers what offends them sounds great and all, but I'd rather keep my ribs where they are, thank you very much. That's why I sent Jay out to ask total strangers what offends them. He doesn't seem to have the same misgivings about misplaced ribs as I do. When I told him why I wanted him to go out, he laughed and agreed immediately. He came back surprisingly unharmed and had a list of terms and their definitions. He even took initiative and asked around the castle before coming back to me with his findings. I will be transcribing these in a way more easily understood by the uninformed. Hay- Hay seems to be the pony equivalent to "hell" in human society. "What the hay" is a fairly common phrase used when surprised or confused, just like "what the hell". Strangely enough, their version of Hell itself is a place called Tartarus, which is actually a huge super-max prison that holds the worst criminals in history. Feather- Feather is a versatile pony swear, that has a range of severity depending on the context it's used in. For example, it can be used as a parallel to the word "fuck" when used in the sentence "I don't give a flying feather". It can also be used to insult the intelligence of another person. Once again, the severity of the insult depends on the context. Calling someone a "feather head" or a "feather brain" can equate to calling them "stupid" or even "shit for brains". While primarily used to insult pegasi, due to their feathered wings, anyone can use it or have it be used on them and understand what the insult is. "Horn head" can be used as an equivalent for unicorns. Buck- Interchangeable with "Fuck". Horse- This is essentially calling someone a whore. Strangely enough, the Equuish spelling of the word is different form English. Here it's spelled "whorse". It occurs to me that Jay and I often refer to ponies as horses, due to their resemblance to the animal from Earth. I'll have to make sure to not use that term in public from now on. Horse apples- This equates to saying "shit". It can also be used to call "bullshit". As a side note, using bullshit as a curse here will get you some strange looks, as cows on Equus are sentient. The same can be said about "ass" and "jackass" because donkeys can talk too. Dirt Pony- As I stated in Chapter 2, this is a derogatory term often used by unicorn nobles as a way to degrade earth ponies. This one seems to have a few layers to it, referring to the earth ponies being the agricultural base of Equestria and often working dirty jobs. Earth ponies are the least prominent Big Three tribe in noble society, so it's also making fun of them for being poor, not to mention the implication that nobles think earth ponies are dumber than the dirt they work with. There's a lot to calling someone a dirt pony, and I personally wouldn't recommend it unless you feel like getting throttled in a dark alley. Earth ponies are extremely proud of their place in society, and calling one a dirt pony is basically insulting their identity as a subrace. In all honesty though, this seems like a bigger problem than it actually is. It's very rare that anyone get called a dirt pony, as only the the most hateful of ponies would do such a thing, and the fact that it's so frowned upon in pony society means that the term is usually only whispered in a dark room where no prying ears will hear it. Celestia- As it turns out, Celestia's name can be used as a curse here! It's used in the same context as God in English, which kind of shows the mindset ponies have surrounding the alicorn. I've actually heard this one plenty of times in the castle. I asked Celestia how it came about and what she thought about it. She told me that it started not long after Luna's banishment to the moon (more on that later). It bothered her at first, but it happened started to happen so frequently around her that she had no power to actually stop it. Eventually she just accepted it and moved on. I asked if she ever used her own name as a curse, and she said that she was never comfortable with it, but due to the common use of her name as a swear, she compromised and started saying "oh my me", "dear me", "mother of me", and other variations. Luna's name seems to be used in a similar way, primarily by thesrals, but not nearly to the same extent that Celestia's is used. I can't help but notice that most pony swears sound very mom sanctioned. It's like kids saying "freak" instead of "frick", or "frick" instead of "fuck" in order to avoid punishment from their parents. I'll have to remember some of these the next time someone starts pissing me off. Pony swears certainly put a new spin of the phrase "hay is for horses". Author's Note I'm alive! It's a miracle! This chapter is a little unfinished at the moment because I wanted to get it out before I went to work. I’ll edit and add to it later. If you think of any pony curses, let me know so I can add them. I saw that I hadn’t posted anything for this story since March and decided to change that. Sorry it took so long. Shoutout to SilverClockwork for kicking my butt into gear. Edit: Finally got around to finishing this one. Hope you enjoy! PreludeHuman's Guide to Surviving Equestria Co-written by Andy Anderson and Jason (Jay) Cox Prelude It needs to be stated here that the following text is for human eyes only. Any non-human species that may have found this, please return it to Princess Luna, co-ruler of the nation of Equestria. Fellow human, it fills me with both immense joy and sorrow that someone has had the fortune and the misfortune of reading this text. I am joyful because the work we put into making this book was not in vain, and because it may help someone who has found themselves in our current situation. I am also sorrowful because you have found yourself in the same situation as my friend Jay and I. If you are reading this, you are a human that has somehow found themselves on a foreign world full of what seem to be talking rainbow colored midget horses. I understand your confusion and ask that you not panic. If you feel like this is too much to handle at the moment, feel free to have a private mental breakdown and return when you feel better about your quantum stranding. That’s right, I said stranding. You are stranded, stuck, marooned in a new environment that is hostile to the unprepared. Seeing as you are new here, we have taken it upon ourselves to make sure you are as prepared as we can possibly make you to take on the deadly, adorable abominations of nature known simply as “ponies”. This guide will hopefully help you turn this nightmarish hellscape into a place you can comfortably call home away from home. We have taken many risks in pursuit of the knowledge contained in the following chapters, all to hopefully prepare you for what is to come. I think it should also be stated here that I have no idea if you are stuck here alone or with other humans like Jay and I. I have no clue if you are from the same country, point in history, timeline, or even the same universe as me. I can only hope that, whatever your circumstances may be, you find this guide helpful in your future endeavors. If you have any questions that are not answered by reading this book, ask Princess Luna. She should be the one who handed you this book in the first place, and she is the only pony allowed to read what is written here for many reasons. Some reasons include that she was a great ally in researching the information here, and that other ponies may be offended greatly by what is written within these pages. Luna is an honorary Bro and you should make friends with her as soon as possible. Also, you can think of Luna like a tutorial level if you feel that you need to test any of the knowledge in this book. God speed my friend, and may you find your time in Equestria enjoyable.
Chapter 1: The BasicsChapter 1: The Basics Alright, let’s start off simple. You’re not in Kansas anymore, kid. The first thing you should know is that you are on the planet Equus, probably in the country of Equestria. For some reason the English language, written and spoken, lines up almost exactly with the Equuish language that the entire world of Equus speaks and writes. I know that can be kind of mind boggling, but that brings me to my first topic of discussion. Section 1: Don't Think About It Yes, you read that correctly. As much as I'd like to pass that off as a joke (and normally I would), it is for the sake of your own sanity that if you see or hear something that you just can't believe, don't think about it. You'll save yourself a lot of sleep that way. I would be a liar if I said I didn't lay awake at night thinking about some of the 'cursed image' level shit I've personally seen since I got here. I'm not sure if Jay is the same in that regard, but I somehow doubt it. I'm not sure he has the brain capacity to come up with a decent 'yo mama' joke, let alone question his own existence. Anyway, I'm getting off topic. One of the things you absolutely need to know about this world falls under this category. Everyone and their mom knows this here except you, so I'm going to use it as an example so you don't get totally blindsided by it when it inevitably comes up in conversation. It's a bit of a doozy, so prepare yourself. Are you ready? Equus follows the geocentric astrological model. That means not just the moon, but the sun too rotates around the planet. Now here's the real kicker. You know those tall ponies sporting the wings and horns, aptly named Luna and Celestia? They control the celestial bodies that rotate around the planet. I'll give you three guesses as to which one drags what flying ball of death through the sky every day. Now that that has hopefully sunken in, you see the point I'm trying to make. Sometimes, blissful ignorance is preferable. Just don't think about it. It's healthier for you that way. Section 2: Magic Magic is a thing here. I'm not talking about good ol' sleight of hand either. Actual magic, like you'd read about in a fantasy novel, is real here. I have no idea if magic exists back home and we just can't access it, or if our homeworld is completely devoid of what the natives consider a basic building block required for life to form. I'll get in depth with this topic later, but what you need to know about it for now is that it exists. If you haven't seen it yet, ask Luna to levitate something for you. You see that colorful aura surrounding the floating object and Luna's horn? That's magic. And before you ask, no. You can't perform magic. We've tried. Numerous times. It sucks, I know, but think about it this way. No other race on Equus can perform magic either, just ponies, and the majority of them can't do it in the way you just saw. Hope that makes you feel a bit better about it. Or you could just not think about it. That works too. Also, you should probably pick your jaw up off the floor. You're gonna let flies in. Section 3: The Species of Equus Once again, I'll get into this more later, but here's the rundown. Unlike Earth, where humans are the only sentient beings on the planet, Equus is home to many species that can talk back. This list includes ponies (obviously), minotaurs, gryphons, dragons, zebra, etc. As a rule of thumb, any mythological creature you can think of probably exists here, and there's about a 50/50 shot that it can hold an intelligent conversation with you. I think that should do it for the basic stuff. There's plenty more I could go over, but I don't want this chapter to be overly long and in depth when I'll be covering this stuff in more detail later. Just remember. Don't think about it. Author's Note Alright, well here's this. Feel free to point out any errors you find. I plan for this to be a one subject per chapter kinda thing, but that might change in the future. Who knows? If you think of a topic you'd like to see covered in a future chapter let me know. I have a list of things to cover at some point, but you might come up with something I haven't.
Chapter 2: Pony RacesChapter 2: Pony Races As you may or may not have noticed by now, there is more than one race of pony walking around. This chapter will give basic knowledge on all races that we can find info on. As a general rule of thumb, you can basically continue with the mindset that ponies are just talking animals. Don’t get the wrong idea, they have their own ideas and culture. What I mean is that they have many similarities to what we would consider animals back on Earth. For example, like Earth horses, ponies have a group mentality and can startle easily. We’ll get more into pony psychology later. Just keep in mind that while you should treat them like animals, don’t treat them like thoughtless animals. Now, let’s get back to learning about ponies. Section 1: They Are Adorable If you haven’t noticed already that ponies as a species are heart-stoppingly cute, you should either open your eyes or stop reading this because you are blind and this book is not written in braille. Section 2: Pony Races There are three main categories of pony race you should be aware of. Those three are unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. Unicorns and pegasi are exactly what they sound like. If you know any mythology at all, you will have some idea of what you’re dealing with. Earth ponies are a little more mundane, but no less interesting. While there are other races of pony, most of them tend to be subcategories for the big three. Earth Ponies We’ll start with the most basic race. Earth ponies will probably be fairly confusing to you, if only due to their name. Obviously, they are not from our home world. The “earth” in their name is referring to the ground or dirt. (As a side note, never call an earth pony a “dirt pony” unless you feel like getting punted across a field.) Earth ponies are the most tame of the races appearance wise and are the closest thing you will get to a horse from back home. They are ridiculously strong physically and make up most of the agricultural base of society here in Equestria, and they are damn proud of it. Many of them have a green thumb, or hoof in their case, and can grow just about anything if given time and the right equipment. This is due to them having a passive form of magic that gives them a connection with the earth around them. Pegasi Pegasi are exactly what you think they are. Ponies with wings. You might notice how small their wings are. If you found an Equestrian pegasus on Earth they wouldn’t be able to fly, but don’t tell them that. Wing size is a sensitive subject to pegasi. Here though, they have magic to help keep them aloft. If you decide to make friends with a pegasus, just be prepared to have your personal space violated fairly often. They don't mean anything by it, it's just how they were raised. If they get a little too close for your liking, just ask them to back off and you should be good. Most pegasi that spend lots of time on the ground tend to try and break that habit, but those that live in cloud cities (we'll get more into that later) have a harder time controlling themselves. While I personally don't like having a pegasus floating in my face, I do get a kick out of how embarrassed they get when they realize what they're doing. Pegasi, like earth ponies, have a passive form of magic. Unlike earth ponies though, a pegasus has a connection to the sky. This magic allows them to be able to physically touch clouds and even control the weather. Unicorns Unicorns are earth ponies with horns. Don’t say that out loud unless you feel like getting stabbed, but it’s true. If you live anywhere near the princesses, these guys will be the majority of those around you. They lack the physical strength and green thumbs of earth ponies, but have magic instead. This is absolutely my biased opinion, but unicorns are like those guys that put brass ballsacks on the hitch of their pickups. The owner thinks they’re cool, but everyone else knows they’re just overcompensating for something. Unicorns rely on their magic more than teen girls from Earth rely on pumpkin spice. They use it for everything. I can’t exactly blame them for it though, I’d hate not having hands too (picking everything up with your mouth isn’t an appealing thought). This would all be fine and dandy if they understood that magic didn’t make them special. The reason most nobles are unicorns is because they annoyed everyone else out of the competition. They think they’re better than the other races (hence why “dirt pony” is a derogatory term). In gamer terms, these guys think they are the PC master race, when in reality they are just six year old squeakers screaming profanities through their Xbox mic on CoD. Unicorn supremacy aside, let’s move on to mine and Jay’s favorite race. Thestrals These guys are walking badasses. They look like someone crossbred a pegasus with a bat (or dragon). The vampires of this world were inspired by the appearance of thestrals. It is due to this inspiration that many non-thestrals run at the sight of one. There aren’t many of them and they tend to be a bit reclusive, so they’re rare to find outside the capital. While most ponies are technically omnivorous, they wouldn’t eat meat if their lives depended on it. Thestrals, on the other hand, eat meat on a regular basis. If you asked one to catch you something while they were out hunting, they’d probably do it. I recommend eating with these guys whenever you possibly can. It’s nice to be able to eat a ham and cheese sandwich and not have the rest of the room run away in a panic. They are the only predator species of pony that are known. Due to their predator status, they make the best fighters Equestria has to offer. Most of the elite guard is made up of thestrals, but some of them are disguised as other races so as to not scare others and so the nobles think they actually have a fighting chance in hell. Don’t let any of this discourage you though. Even with the stigma around them, thestrals have had the best track record of any pony race I’ve met when it comes to kindness and reliability, and their loyalty is nigh unwavering. In this world, thestrals are truly a man’s best friend. If you want to make friends, get a least a few of these guys in your posse. Luna might be willing to lend you some of her night guards if you ask nicely. Sea Ponies We actually don’t know much about these guys other than that they exist. Jay wanted it stated that one of his friend’s uncle’s great great granddad’s fourth cousin saw one once, so there’s your proof. Oh yeah, they live in the sea (if that wasn’t already obvious). Crystal Ponies If you come across one of these guys, be respectful. It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive, if I find out you're messing with a crystal pony, I'll send Jay your way. And noone wants that. (If you're curious about why you don't want this, ask Luna about the Cheese Wheel Incident. She probably won't explain anything, but the thousand yard stare she gives you should be all the evidence you need.) Crystal ponies are ponies with a unique trait that makes them look like they are made of pure crystal. These guys have had it rough. They mostly stick around the Crystal Empire to the distant north of Equestria. They are a much older race than many realize and their history goes a little something like this. They once ran a prosperous kingdom to the north, and were great allies with Equestria. One day a powerful unicorn wielding extremely dark magic killed the current ruler and usurped the throne. This douche-nozzle's name was Sombra, and he was sort of like the pony equivalent of Hitler. (Actually, Stalin might be a better comparison.) He forced the entire kingdom, and therefore the entire crystal pony race, into slavery and forced them to work in his crystal mines. Celestia and Luna fought the bastard, but in a last ditch effort to save himself Sombra banished the Crystal Empire, everyone in it included, to the shadow realm. (That's not actually what it's called, but I like to think of it that way.) It reappeared a millennia later and the Elements of Harmony (more on these later), along with Princess Cadance and some others, managed to retake the Empire and destroy Sombra. The crystal ponies are free again and Cadance rules over the Empire now. Alicorns Alicorns are the linchpins of Equestrian society. They are cultural icons, and without them it seems quite possible that Equestrian society could fall apart at the seams. To outsiders, that may seem like a blatant weakness for any enemy to exploit. Don't be fooled though. Alicorns are essentially demigods. They live for so long that there is no record of an alicorn dying of natural causes. In fact, there is no recorded case of an alicorn dying period. There are currently only three of them in existence, and they are all rulers. There apparently used to be more of them, but Celestia and Luna don't talk about what happened to them and Cadance is too young to know. Alicorns are what happen when you combine the big three and jack them full of steroids. They have earth pony strength, pegasus wings, and unicorn horns. Each one has a strong connection to a very specialized form of magic that tends to be unique to them. Celestia has a unique connection to the sun. Luna has a unique connection to the Moon. Cadance has a strong connection to love of all things. While they may be terrifyingly powerful, don't be scared of them. They are known for their kindness and benevolence (thank god for that). That should wrap up what Jay and I currently know about the different pony races. There may be more, but we just don't know what they are at this time. Author's Note I had most of this chapter prewritten in two different docs whose subject material kind of overlapped. Anything that overlapped was taken and whichever one I liked the writing of better was used. I saved some scraps I may use for future chapters. If this chapter seems stitched together, that's why. I read over it a couple times to try and make it flow as best I could. If it reads funny to you guys, let me know.
Chapter 3: Pony AnatomyChapter 3: Pony Anatomy It occurs to me that the last chapter may have been a little... heavy in some areas. And since you're still new to all this, it might be good for me to pull back a bit and talk about something a little more lighthearted. This time around we're talking about no-no zones. I know this seems strange, but knowing some basic facts about how ponies work could be the difference between you being able to get away with just about anything, or you ending up getting kicked through a wall. Section Only: Petting Zones and Friendship Levels Required to Achieve Them Every race of pony loves to be pet, and I mean loves. Of course, there are no-go zones when it comes to petting ponies. Most of said no-go zones should be obvious to anyone with more than three brain cells. Other than that, everything else is free game when it comes to petting ponies. (As a side note, DO NOT slap a pony on the ass, in jest or otherwise. You WILL get kicked. Jay learned this the hard way, and he got two broken ribs for his effort.) Please be aware that where you are allowed to pet a pony is based on the relationship you have with said pony and the level of closeness you have to them. The list below will give you a basic understanding of friendship levels required to pet ponies in certain places. Strangers You probably shouldn’t pet the pony. Aquatinted Anything past head pats is not advisable. Friends This is where you greatly expand your petting horizons. The head is free game. Head pats, cheek rubs, ear scritches (they love that one), they’re all yours for the taking. You are also allowed access to their backs and necks. As a rule of thumb when petting the adorable fluff balls, touching of the horn or wings is strictly forbidden, unless stated otherwise. I’ll tell you why when you’re older. Good Friends This is where you get to the good stuff. It is at this level that you normally gain access to the pony’s belly. Nothing more needs to be said. (I know what you’re thinking and yes, they do kick their legs like dogs. Just make sure you are out of the line of fire when they start kicking. Jay learned that the hard way too.) If you would like to test any of this knowledge, tell Luna. She would gladly let you pet her in any of the previously mentioned friendship levels. P.S. Luna likes chin scratches. P.P.S. If you ever get to pet Celestia, she really enjoys belly rubs. She gets the most dopey grin on her face. You have to see it yourself to truly understand just how precious it is. Author's Note Now to follow the longest chapter so far with the shortest one. Hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did writing it. I know the chapter title is a bit misleading. It's meant to be. Also, you know those scraps I mentioned in the last author's note? Yeah, those went here.
Chapter 4: Living in the CastleChapter 4: Living in the Castle Chances are you'll need a place to stay during your terminal visit to Equestria. It wouldn't surprise me if the princesses have already offered to let you stay in Canterlot Castle. I would highly recommend taking this offer for many reasons. You get to live in a fucking castle! Taking the offer will make this book much more relevant to you. Jay and I took the offer and this book is based off of our experiences. I can assure you that the company of the princesses will be a boon to your mental health just as your company will be a boon to theirs. (They're kinda lonely. It's hard to make friends when everyone you know worships you like gods.) You get to live in a fucking castle! There is also a small chance that Celestia offered to set a place up for you in Ponyville. If this is the case, tell her to take that offer and shove it where her cutie mark don't shine. Trust me, you don't want to live in Ponyville, no matter how much Celestia tries to convince you it's a nice place. (We'll get to Ponyville later.) Assuming you have accepted to stay in the castle, this chapter will help acclimate you to living with royalty. Section 1: Getting Used to the Castle Itself As you might have realized, Canterlot Castle is a big place. It's labyrinthine halls are easy to get lost in. I once took a walk through a less crowded part of the castle to clear my mind and found myself three stories above where I started without taking any stairs. I think there are enchantments scattered around to confuse intruders, but I can't be sure because anytime I ask about it Luna just gives me a knowing smirk and ignores the question. Fine, keep your secrets horse lady. I'm almost certain that's the case though, because if you ask a guard or maid to take you anywhere you'll be there in no time. It probably has something to do with their uniforms. The point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't be stubborn about asking for directions unless you have five hours to kill and don't actually want to get where you're going. Section 2: Guards Of course, living with the rulers of a nation comes with the benefit of always being watched unless you're in your own room. You may have noticed the golden statues standing around in the hallways or by doors. I can assure you, they are alive. Most guards are pretty chill in my experience, but there are some unspoken rules when it comes to interacting with them. Most things are just common sense, like don't touch their weapons and stuff like that. Other rules are more unspoken. Different posts are for different things. If you find yourself lost, feel free to ask any guard on patrol or standing by a door for directions. One of them may even lead you to your destination if their post isn't super important. Technically you can ask a guard in the middle of the hallway, but you won't get a response. Hall guards are literally there to play statue. Also, please don't try to make hall guards laugh or show emotion. If a commanding officer finds out someone in that post broke character, they can get in serious trouble. Think of Equestrian hall guards like the British Queens Guard or guards for the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. You can however go and hang out with off duty guards in the barracks if you get bored at any point. Section 3: Dealing With Nobles No matter how kind or patient a person you may be, you will come to hate these guys as much as I do. Some things are universal, and hating rich snobs is one of those things. In all honesty, I'd recommend avoiding them like the plague. In hopes of helping you achieve this goal I have compiled a small list of red flags that you may be in the presence of a noble. If they're a unicorn, they're probably a noble. The vast majority of nobles are unicorns for reasons stated previously in the 'Pony Species' chapter. If they wear clothes that aren't some form of uniform, they're probably a noble. Clothes are expensive due to ponies not normally wearing them for anything but special occasions, and wearing them in casual settings is considered a status symbol. Of course, this does not apply to you in their eyes because you are not a pony, you filthy plebeian you. If they are shorter than you and you still have to look up to see their nose, they're probably a noble. I don't think this one requires explaining. If they're offended by the fact that you aren't ~~inbred~~ from a pure bloodline, they may be a noble. You filthy mudblood you. If they have any stereotypically fancy sounding accents, they're probably a noble. I honestly have no idea why so many nobles have foreign accents. I'm pretty sure they're just faking it. Also, nobles tend to be extremely whiny. If they are offended by your mere presence, they are probably a noble. If you can tell from a single look that jumping from their ego down to their IQ would be fatal, they're probably a noble. ~~If they brown nose Celestia~~ Actually, that's pretty much everyone around here. If you see a maid running full speed down the hallway, you should join them. A noble is probably about to round a corner. Now that you can properly identify nobles at a glance, you should be able to avoid having any contact with them, right? Wrong! Somehow, someway, you will always end up bumping into one of them. I swear, the little pests crawl out of the nonexistent floor boards like cockroaches. They come out of nowhere. And god forbid that you stumble upon one of their little parties in the gardens. It's hard to get the smell of smug out of clothes, let me tell you. There isn't much you can do about them being around, though many have their own ways of dealing with them. It's really up to you how you choose to go about this. Jay just ignores them, even when they talk directly at him. My preferred method is to insult them so bad that by the time their brain reboots, I'd walked away ten minutes ago. I've done this often enough that it's become a reflex for me, and no matter how many times I insult the same nobles, the idiots keep coming back for more. Luna finds this hilarious. Celestia on the other hand, does not. That brings me to my next topic of discussion. Section 4: Dealing With Celestia Don't get me wrong, Celestia is an amazing friend to have. It's just that while Luna is like a cool sister, Celestia is like an overbearing mom. She can be a bit of a killjoy sometimes. She's a very straight laced pony and doesn't like it when people mess with each other. In other words, she's not mad, she's just disappointed. Too bad for her, I reserve the right to insult anyone I damn well please. If someone does or says anything I find mind numbingly stupid, you bet your sweet ass they're gonna get a faceful of insults. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. There is a secret way to completely sidestep Celestia's disapproval though. If by some chance you find yourself in Celestia's bad graces for the day, just bribe her with cake. Any cake will do. Bonus points if you made it yourself. (You'd get tired of gourmet food too if you'd eaten it every day for the last millennium.) Give her some cake and all past sins are forgiven. While I do recommend abusing her weakness for baked goods, I do not recommend you stick around and watch her eat it. It can be quite traumatizing. Drop off the package and run for the hills. Well, that should cover most of the surface level stuff about living in Canterlot Castle. Enjoy your new luxury suite and immunity to being reprimanded by a sun goddess. I won't say you've earned it, but after getting ripped from your home world, I'd certainly say you deserve it. Author's Note Alright, here's where I'm at right now. I've had minimal homework today. I spent nearly 4 hours today blacksmithing in my favorite class. In said class I unexpectedly got invited by one of the TAs to start learning how to use a power hammer to make swords and knives. One of the other guys learning how to use the machine brought red bull for us to drink. I'm going back tomorrow morning to possibly start making my first knife. I also drank a bunch of soda with my dinner. I'm in a great mood and I'm probably not getting any sleep tonight, so I figured I'd crank a couple of these bad boys out for you guys. Edit: 10. If you try and get in bed but can't because an enemy is nearby, there may be a noble outside your dirt hut. You can probably tell how much fun I had writing the noble section.
Chapter 5: LanguageChapter 5: Language One of the first things I mentioned in this Guide was how the English and Equuish languages, both written and spoken, line up almost perfectly. I thought it might be interesting to dive into that a bit. Section 1: Language Barriers This section is more food for thought than advice. As previously stated, the world of Equus speaks and writes almost exclusively in Equuish. This can be a good or extremely bad thing depending on the person. If said person doesn't know any English, they're kinda screwed. Besides the fact that communication with anyone on this planet would be practically nonexistent, it also occurs to me that this guide would be completely useless to them. The only thing they'd be able to do at that point is commit to learning the language or have extremely rudimentary conversations with the worlds inhabitants via drawings or through similar methods. Even if they did decide to learn the language, the going would be rough until they had a fair grasp on it. Conversely, if they can already speak or read English the language barrier wouldn't be a problem, and the fact that there's only one barrier means that it could be abused quite easily. Jay and I do this quite frequently. We took some German classes back in high school because it was required to graduate. Jay hated it, but it didn't bother me. In fact, I was pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. I'd write a copy of the Guide in German, but I'm not as practiced in writing it as I am speaking it. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. In the section about nobles in the last chapter, I mentioned my penchant for insults, but that isn't my only way of dealing with unwanted conversation. If I don't want to talk to someone, and don't feel like coming up with creative insults, I'll just respond to everything they say in German. They'll get confused and will eventually leave me alone. It also helps to have private conversations between Jay and I. If you happen to be bilingual, I recommend using it to your advantage. The language barrier can be your friend here. Speaking of insults, that leads me into my next topic. Section 2: Pony Curses and Derogatory Terms After going back and rereading what I wrote in Chapter 2 about earth ponies, I got curious about about what words ponies may find offensive coming from the mouth of another pony in everyday conversation. I don't get many chances to talk to normal ponies outside the castle because I don't have any reason to leave the castle grounds. Going around asking total strangers what offends them sounds great and all, but I'd rather keep my ribs where they are, thank you very much. That's why I sent Jay out to ask total strangers what offends them. He doesn't seem to have the same misgivings about misplaced ribs as I do. When I told him why I wanted him to go out, he laughed and agreed immediately. He came back surprisingly unharmed and had a list of terms and their definitions. He even took initiative and asked around the castle before coming back to me with his findings. I will be transcribing these in a way more easily understood by the uninformed. Hay- Hay seems to be the pony equivalent to "hell" in human society. "What the hay" is a fairly common phrase used when surprised or confused, just like "what the hell". Strangely enough, their version of Hell itself is a place called Tartarus, which is actually a huge super-max prison that holds the worst criminals in history. Feather- Feather is a versatile pony swear, that has a range of severity depending on the context it's used in. For example, it can be used as a parallel to the word "fuck" when used in the sentence "I don't give a flying feather". It can also be used to insult the intelligence of another person. Once again, the severity of the insult depends on the context. Calling someone a "feather head" or a "feather brain" can equate to calling them "stupid" or even "shit for brains". While primarily used to insult pegasi, due to their feathered wings, anyone can use it or have it be used on them and understand what the insult is. "Horn head" can be used as an equivalent for unicorns. Buck- Interchangeable with "Fuck". Horse- This is essentially calling someone a whore. Strangely enough, the Equuish spelling of the word is different form English. Here it's spelled "whorse". It occurs to me that Jay and I often refer to ponies as horses, due to their resemblance to the animal from Earth. I'll have to make sure to not use that term in public from now on. Horse apples- This equates to saying "shit". It can also be used to call "bullshit". As a side note, using bullshit as a curse here will get you some strange looks, as cows on Equus are sentient. The same can be said about "ass" and "jackass" because donkeys can talk too. Dirt Pony- As I stated in Chapter 2, this is a derogatory term often used by unicorn nobles as a way to degrade earth ponies. This one seems to have a few layers to it, referring to the earth ponies being the agricultural base of Equestria and often working dirty jobs. Earth ponies are the least prominent Big Three tribe in noble society, so it's also making fun of them for being poor, not to mention the implication that nobles think earth ponies are dumber than the dirt they work with. There's a lot to calling someone a dirt pony, and I personally wouldn't recommend it unless you feel like getting throttled in a dark alley. Earth ponies are extremely proud of their place in society, and calling one a dirt pony is basically insulting their identity as a subrace. In all honesty though, this seems like a bigger problem than it actually is. It's very rare that anyone get called a dirt pony, as only the the most hateful of ponies would do such a thing, and the fact that it's so frowned upon in pony society means that the term is usually only whispered in a dark room where no prying ears will hear it. Celestia- As it turns out, Celestia's name can be used as a curse here! It's used in the same context as God in English, which kind of shows the mindset ponies have surrounding the alicorn. I've actually heard this one plenty of times in the castle. I asked Celestia how it came about and what she thought about it. She told me that it started not long after Luna's banishment to the moon (more on that later). It bothered her at first, but it happened started to happen so frequently around her that she had no power to actually stop it. Eventually she just accepted it and moved on. I asked if she ever used her own name as a curse, and she said that she was never comfortable with it, but due to the common use of her name as a swear, she compromised and started saying "oh my me", "dear me", "mother of me", and other variations. Luna's name seems to be used in a similar way, primarily by thesrals, but not nearly to the same extent that Celestia's is used. I can't help but notice that most pony swears sound very mom sanctioned. It's like kids saying "freak" instead of "frick", or "frick" instead of "fuck" in order to avoid punishment from their parents. I'll have to remember some of these the next time someone starts pissing me off. Pony swears certainly put a new spin of the phrase "hay is for horses". Author's Note I'm alive! It's a miracle! This chapter is a little unfinished at the moment because I wanted to get it out before I went to work. I’ll edit and add to it later. If you think of any pony curses, let me know so I can add them. I saw that I hadn’t posted anything for this story since March and decided to change that. Sorry it took so long. Shoutout to SilverClockwork for kicking my butt into gear. Edit: Finally got around to finishing this one. Hope you enjoy!
PreludeHuman's Guide to Surviving Equestria Co-written by Andy Anderson and Jason (Jay) Cox Prelude It needs to be stated here that the following text is for human eyes only. Any non-human species that may have found this, please return it to Princess Luna, co-ruler of the nation of Equestria. Fellow human, it fills me with both immense joy and sorrow that someone has had the fortune and the misfortune of reading this text. I am joyful because the work we put into making this book was not in vain, and because it may help someone who has found themselves in our current situation. I am also sorrowful because you have found yourself in the same situation as my friend Jay and I. If you are reading this, you are a human that has somehow found themselves on a foreign world full of what seem to be talking rainbow colored midget horses. I understand your confusion and ask that you not panic. If you feel like this is too much to handle at the moment, feel free to have a private mental breakdown and return when you feel better about your quantum stranding. That’s right, I said stranding. You are stranded, stuck, marooned in a new environment that is hostile to the unprepared. Seeing as you are new here, we have taken it upon ourselves to make sure you are as prepared as we can possibly make you to take on the deadly, adorable abominations of nature known simply as “ponies”. This guide will hopefully help you turn this nightmarish hellscape into a place you can comfortably call home away from home. We have taken many risks in pursuit of the knowledge contained in the following chapters, all to hopefully prepare you for what is to come. I think it should also be stated here that I have no idea if you are stuck here alone or with other humans like Jay and I. I have no clue if you are from the same country, point in history, timeline, or even the same universe as me. I can only hope that, whatever your circumstances may be, you find this guide helpful in your future endeavors. If you have any questions that are not answered by reading this book, ask Princess Luna. She should be the one who handed you this book in the first place, and she is the only pony allowed to read what is written here for many reasons. Some reasons include that she was a great ally in researching the information here, and that other ponies may be offended greatly by what is written within these pages. Luna is an honorary Bro and you should make friends with her as soon as possible. Also, you can think of Luna like a tutorial level if you feel that you need to test any of the knowledge in this book. God speed my friend, and may you find your time in Equestria enjoyable.
