A Princess A pissed of Dragonlord and A demon lawyer

“That stupid fucking bitch—Signs a fucking law, fucking banishing freedom of speech!” Smolder slammed her fists into the table in anger, cracking it and sending a small jolt of pain though her wrists. "Gaaah, fuck me!” she growled. “I'll bet it was that fucking Mayor getting that dumbass to sign it when she wasn't paying any fuckin’ attention! … Again.” After rubbing away the ache in her claws, Smolder slumped in her chair and stared morosely at the cold brick walls of her prison cell. “What am I gonna do?”

Suddenly, the doors flung open, and a strange, two-legged being strode inside at a quick pace. He was wearing a forest green suit and pitch black tie and carried a suitcase at his side that looked as if it were made of ice crystals despite the flickering flame that could be seen inside.

After haphazardly laying the weird, obviously magical suitcase on the table, the creature sat opposite Smolder and stared at her through piercing golden eyes. “Still cursing, eh?” he grumbled.

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!?” Smolder snarled, face-clawing.

“Just sit still and shut up,” he commanded sternly, raising his voice only slightly. “I’m your best bet at getting out of here, got it?”

“Uh-huh. Sure,” she deadpanned, eyeing him questioningly. “And just who the hell are you exactly?”

“I’ll tell you who the hell I am…” He then smirked, calmly clarifying, “I’m your fucking lawyer.”

Smolder blinked. “You… cussed,” she commented, utterly stupefied that a pony—a two-legged one, but a pony nonetheless—did so.

Any other day, such an occasion wouldn’t have been that big of a deal to her, but considering the circumstances that had landed Smolder in her current prison-related predicament, it stood out vividly.

“Mhmm,” her apparent lawyer nodded. “Figured a bit of dragon vernacular would get ya to listen, especially since you probably don’t trust anything even vaguely equine right now.” He clicked his tongue and readjusted his position in the seat, adding, “Speaking of which, I was born a pegasus. Had a few adventures, got a few things…” he said, flexing his digits. “It’s a long story, and I don’t feel like going over it right now.”

“I didn’t ask,” Smolder bluntly acknowledged, having no clue what was happening but going along with it anyway. After all, if the guy really could get her out of here and back to her friends faster, why bother questioning anything?

“Yeah, but pretty much everycreature wonders, so…?” He shrugged. “Anywho, name’s Red, and nowadays, I mostly spend my time being a huge pain in the Princesses’ royal asses and making sure they don’t pull shit like this,” Red groaned, gesturing around the prison cell.

Smolder made a grand show of looking around as well before smiling blankly at him, giving him a claws-up, and praising, “Good job.”

“I ain’t exactly omnipresent, you know,” Red huffed. “And those stupid bitches are always finding new ways to dick me and everyone else over.”

“Twilight included?” Smolder mumbled, crossing her claws and fighting back the sharp dagger of betrayal she felt upon thinking of that particular pony.

“Twilight especially!” he sneered. “She’ll sign practically every piece of paper that comes under that muzzle of hers, and you do not want to know the legal nightmare that is keeping her and her friends out of prison for all of the shit they’ve done over the years. … Unleashing a shadow demon from Limbo—I mean, who the fuck does that!?” Red shouted, shaking his head in exasperation.

“Twilight?”

“Evidently. Tch, still not as bad as the pink one…”

“Pinkie Pie?”

“The other pink one.”

“Starlight?”

“The other other pink one.”

Smolder shrugged in confusion.

“Cadence.”

“Uh…?”

“The one Twilight’s brother married.”

“Oh, yeah! Her. Sorry, I forgot about her for a moment there,” Smolder admitted ashamedly, grateful Ocellus wasn’t present to reprimand her for that.

“I don’t blame ya; she doesn’t do anything. Well? Not since I sued that perverted bitch into oblivion for nearly passing that law legalizing public sex.”

“Princess Cadence did that!?” Red nodded, so Smolder whistled and whispered, “Damn. Didn’t know she was that hardcore.”

“Hey, that crotch biscuit of hers, Flurry Heart, had to be baked somehow, and if I know anything about that poor sod who married her, I guarantee ya that shedid most of the cooking.”

Smolder was silent for a moment before a round of laughter overtook her. “What— What the fuck, dude!?” she croaked out between laughs.

“What? I thought it was common knowledge that everything Shining does is half-baked and under-cooked,” Red said with just a hint of a smile. That smile only grew once Smolder snickered even more—the tension of the current debacle having been relieved, if only a little. Eventually, she quieted down somewhat, so he asked, “You okay, kid?”

Smolder’s jovial mood quickly faded away upon being asked that. “Yeah, I guess?” She tapped her claws against the table for a bit before growling, “I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? I stay trapped in this dumb room for a few more days? All I did was cuss—which I was entirely within my right to do!” she declared, huffing a small puff of smoke. Before Red could comment on that declaration, Smolder’s looked away, recognizing, “But since you’re apparently my lawyer, I’m guessing it’s not that simple. Is it?”

“Eh, should be relatively simple,” Red reassured, causing Smolder to let out a loud sigh of relief. “Main problem is gonna be getting my team to actually cooperate with me for a change.”

Red’s weird briefcase suddenly jerked of its own accord.

Opting to ignore that for now, Smolder asked, “Wait, ‘team’? I thought you were my lawyer.” She then thought about that for a moment and added, “And… Why are you my lawyer? I didn’t even ask for a lawyer.”

“‘If a suspect fails to request a lawyer after incarceration, they shall be assigned one,’” Red quoted smugly. “A little law Celestia and I managed to sneak into the justice system a few years back. And lucky for you, you get me!” he boasted, smiling brightly despite his dry tone.

Red suitcase jostled again.

“And them,” he corrected. “Speaking of which, you guys ready to come out yet?”

The suitcase unlocked.

“Oh, guess they are.” Red then opened the item, and out of it erupted two streams of magical energy, one a frigid wind and the other a shimmering flame. They then darted on either of side of the bipedal pony before coalescing into twin imposing, dragon-esque figures.

The female of the two yawned and stretched out her limbs before giving her feathery, sapphire wings a small flap, dislodging the ice crystals that had clung to them. She then looked to her partner and watched as he stretched as well, letting out a thunderous crack and relieved groan upon doing so.

“Must you always keep us in that fucking box?” he asked, examining himself to ensure his body had fully formed. “It’s cramped as shit.”

“I don’t make the rules of this universe; I just live in it,” Red snarked.

“So you claim,” the “dragoness” shot back. She then turned her attention to Smolder who was just watching the two with an expression of deepest confusion. “And I see this is the whelp—”

Red coughed indignantly.

“Sorry, force of habit.” She coughed and course-corrected, “This is the child that requires our aid?”

“Bah! We shouldn’t even need to be here,” the crimson one snarled, leering at Smolder in something akin to annoyance. “Surely, you could handle this issue yourself; after all, you are a dragon much like us.”

No, they weren’t. They may have looked exactly like dragons, but being one herself, Smolder instinctively knew they weren’t. What they really were was a mystery, but it was a mystery Smolder didn’t particularly care about.

“Hey, I tried to handle all of this mess myself!” she protested indignantly.

“And you clearly failed,” the scarlet “dragon” countered, causing Smolder to wince and fall silent. He then turned to Red and continued, “In any case, we are here. So, tell me, what possible crime could she have committed that she needs our help?”

“Didn’t I already tell you?”

“You did,” the “dragonness” assured, nodding. “He wasn’t listening.”

“Of course.” Red sighed, face-palming. “Well, Iggy, you’re gonna just love this one.”

“I know that tone…” Iggy grumbled, sharing a disgusted, hesitant glance with his twin.

“Just promise to use your inside voice,” she deadpanned. “We don’t need another ‘incident’ like last time.”

“I didn’t mean to trigger the volcano,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes. “Alright, Red. What happened?”

“She cussed.”

“I— You— What— Come again?”

“She cussed,” Red repeated, resting his head in his palms. “Mayor Mare didn’t like it, drafted an anti-swear law, and tricked Twilight into authorizing it.”

A moment of silence passed during which Smolder swore the room became hotter than it had been before.

Iggy took a deep breath and let out a small, slow cloud of smoke. “Red?” he mumbled.

“Yeah?”

“What. The fuck! Is wrong with ponies?”

“I believe the answer is that they are prone to radical moralism and self-congratulatory thought-reform,” the “dragonness” answered on Red’s behalf.

Iggy contemplated her words for a moment before nodding in agreement. “Yeah. That sounds about right.”

“If you two are done insulting my species now…?” Red said, shooting them both irritated looks.

“Oh, please!” Iggy exclaimed, smirking devilishly. “We’ll never be done insulting your species.”

“There’s just so much to insult,” his twin added, mirroring his smirk. “It would take us centuries to get through a tenth of your kind’s flaws.”

“And I thought Silverstream jamming out to Heavy Metal was the weirdest thing I’d ever hear in my life,” Smolder whispered. She then blinked when all eyes returned to her. “Uhhh? Should I even ask what’s going on at this point, or should I just roll with everything that happens and assume this is all a weird fever dream?”

“Okay!” Red interjected before either of his associates could speak. He then gestured to them, clarifying, “First of all, these are the other members of my team: Ignis and Gelu.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” the latter said, bowing her sapphire-scaled skull respectfully.

“Yeah, hey,” the former greeted, flicking his spiked, crimson tail in impatience.

“Okay, uh… I’m Smolder,” she said, not sure what to do other than give a polite wave. “Thanks for taking my case, I guess?” They are absolutely going to fuck me over, aren’t they? Smolder figured forlornly.

“It’s no trouble at all, Miss Smolder,” Gelu comforted. “You do not deserve to be punished for exercising a right as basic as your freedom of speech. And believe me… My brother and I know quite a bit about unfair imprisonment,” she commented, sparing Red an icy glance.

“As to how they got in my brief case?” Red resumed, not meeting Gelu’s eye. “Magic. Don’t question it; it’s not important. What is important, however, is getting you out of here and back to your friends and freedom.”

“And pissing off the Princesses, I presume?” Ignis guessed.

“Well, I mean… If we do, we do,” Red said, failing miserably to hide an eager grin. “When was the last time we screwed with ‘em? The ‘Great Cake-slice Caper’?”

“No, I’m pretty sure it was when you called them bigots for trying execute that one colt.”

“Oh. Yeah. Eughhh… Still can’t believe they did that.”

“To be fair,” Gelu began neutrally. “That colt befriended a demon, and none of us—least of all Celestia—knew if the demon had possessed him or not.”

“Okay!” Smolder yelped, rising from her chair and backing away from the trio. “I’ve had it! Nope, nada, nuh-uh, no way! I’ve had enough crazy for today; get out,” she ended angrily.

Ignis and Gelu shared a glance while Red just groaned in exasperation. “Um, what?” Ignis asked.

“I said, ‘get out’!” Smolder repeated, pointing toward the door. “I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now, but I cannot handle it!” she hollered. “I… I can’t!”

“Smolder, calm down,” Red implored in a softer voice than he had been using preciously. “We’re sorry for the abruptness of everything, but we really are here to help you.”

“Oh, you’re here to ‘help’ me, huh?” Smolder growled, backing even further away from them. “I don’t know who the fuck you are, what the fuck to do, or what the fuck is gonna happen to me!” she yelled, breathing harshly as she fought back to tears.

“What’s going to happen is that we’re going to get you out—”

“And how are you gonna do that; thanks to that bitch, Mayor Mare, I genuinely broke the law!” Smolder snarled. “How are you gonna defend me against that, huh?”

“We’re—”

“And even if you did get me off scot-free, it’s not like I’d be able to go to school again!” she ranted on. “Twilight and Starlight saw to that, so… I— I won’t be able to see my friends again, will I!?”

“No, Smolder, you will see your friends again; I promise,” Red said, trying desperately to calm her down.

“And where will that be!? Knowing that whore, Mayor Mare is probably gonna go after them for cussing too!” Smolder supposed, her maw quivering. “I don’t want to see my friends behind bars! A-And I don’t want to behind bars myself! I-I-I don’t— I don’t want to go to jail!”

“Miss Smolder, it is our job to keep you out of jail,” Gelu stated.

“And you think you will!? Even if you do, you think I’m ever gonna be allowed to step foot in Ponyville again!? No, I won’t be; those bitches won’t let me!” Smolder wildly screeched, backing against the wall. “They won’t… They’re just gonna kick me out, and I’ll have to go back to the Dragon Lands. I-I’ll… I’ll have to leave my friends…”

Smolder slowly slid down the wall and curled up into a ball, hugging herself with her wings and sobbing into her claws. “I don’t want to leave my friends.”

Red, Gelu, and Ignis all stared at the sullen dragonness before meeting each others’ gazes and sharing a firm nod.

Red then stepped around the desk and toward Smolder’s form, sitting beside her and placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Smolder? It will be okay,” he assured soothingly. “We really will get you out of here, okay?”

Smolder sniffled quietly before looking up at him, murmuring, “You will?”

“We will.”

“P-Promise?”

“Heh. I’ll do you one better: Cross my heart, hope to fly; stick a cupcake in my eye,” he recited, performing the motions flawlessly. “I Pinkie Promise that I’ll get you out of this place and back to your friends, a free dragon. Okay?”

Smolder wiped her eyes as dry as she could and sniffled again. She then nodded weakly, mumbling, “O-Okay. Okay…”

Red breathed a quiet sigh of relief, but sadly, the brief moment of respite came to an abrupt end when a new voice echoed to them from further into the building.

“But Princess—”

“DO NOT DARE ‘BUT PRINCESS’ US, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”

“And right when we were about make some actual progress,” Gelu bemoaned, face-clawing.

“Oh, goody; Moony’s here,” Ignis grumbled, putting on his harshest glare and preemptively aiming it at the door. “At least now I’ll finally have someone to yell at.”

“WE UNDERSTAND THAT THOU WANTS TO RECTIFY YOUR MISTAKE,” Luna continued shouting. “BUT THEE CREATED THIS MESS, AND NOW, WE MUST FIX IT!” she ended, throwing the prison door open with all of the dramatic fanfare that many had come to expect from the Princess of the Night.

Only to come face-to-face with Red, Ignis, and Gelu…

“Oh, son of a—”

“Language,” the three lawyers all cut her off with every drop of sarcasm they could muster combined.

Luna face-hoofed, groaning weakly. “Yes, yes… We know. Oh, we very much know,” she huffed, turning and leveling a glare at the uncharacteristically timid Twilight Sparkle behind her.