“...Please, Starlight! I told you ‘I’m sorry’ like a million times! Do I still have to wear this sign?”
“Yep! Twilight, you agreed to wear it for a month to make up for last week and in return, I'll keep what happened from Princess Celestia!”
“I know it's only been a week, but it’s becoming too embarrassing! I'm a princess, and princesses aren’t supposed to be seen wearing things like this, so can’t you let me take it off now? Pleasssse?”
“NO! You are keeping that on for another three weeks!”
There was serious begging occurring in Princess Twilight Sparkle's Castle of Friendship.
In the center of the library of her castle, Twilight, a lavender Alicorn, was pleading for forgiveness from Starlight Glimmer, a violet Unicorn. Twilight's ears were drooped and she was lying on her stomach at Starlight's hooves, looking up at her friend, with an "interesting” sign on her chest. With an intense scowl, Starlight glared down at Twilight. Usually, the smell of the books on the bookshelves lining the library's walls would ease Twilight, but not at this moment.
It is rare that Twilight and Starlight argue. It is even rarer that Starlight would choose to hold a grudge against somepony, let alone Twilight, her close friend and former teacher. Today, however, was a rare time that the normally super-forgiving Starlight refused to let things go for the time being.
How bad did Twilight Sparkle screw up? Well, sit back and let this underpaid narrator sum up to you what that adorkable pony did last week.
Wait, some of you are already sitting down? Well, okay then, let's continue.
Last week on Hearts and Hooves Day, Twilight cast a spell that would make everypony in Ponyville that she thought was cute ask her out on a date; she was too shy to request them herself. There were a lot, all mares in fact, and Starlight was one of the mares affected by Twilight's spell. No complaints from me about Starlight Glimmer being cute.
But anyway, the spell backfired; it caused the mares to chase after not Twilight, but Queen Chrysalis. The Queen, or ex-Queen I guess, happened to pick that time to "visit" Ponyville to feed on love and to get revenge on Starlight for (in Chrysalis's words) stealing her hive. Chrysalis didn’t handle the attention well, and she eventually fled Ponyville while on the verge of going crazy from it.
And you thought the legendary “Want it, Need it” spell fiasco was bad!
“What if I teach you some new spells? You love learning new spells, right?” Twilight proposed with a smile, hoping her adorkableness would allow Starlight to relent.
It did not.
Still glaring down at Twilight, Starlight shook her head. “Not this time. As bad as what you’re wearing is, what your spell made me do was worse! And another thing: even if I didn’t interrupt you when you were casting it, you should’ve known love spells has too high a chance of backfiring for anypony but Princess Cadance to cast! Even I know that!”
“Fine, but kissing...Chrysalis couldn’t be that bad!”
Starlight growled. Even though she wasn’t in control of herself and had limited awareness of her actions when the spell affected her, she remembered enough to feel angry about it. “Not that bad...Twilight ‘Romance’ Sparkle, because of your spell, my first kiss was with QUEEN BUCKING CHRYSALIS! I’ll prefer losing my Cutie Mark over that! Worse, my first kiss was supposed to be a magical time for me, and you ruined it, breaking the sacred filly code!”
“Well, maybe Chrysalis wasn't the...best option for a first kiss, but she couldn’t have been that bad, she is a queen. Besides, I hate to bring it up, but you ruined Equestria with a spell before, remember?”
Starlight groaned. Under normal conditions, she would have yielded to Twilight's point, but this wasn't a "normal" condition. “Okay, first, it didn’t do the second-worst crime that a mare can do: break the filly code. Second, I only wanted to ruin your friendships, not cause the apocalypse. Three, I was going through a phase back then. And four, it was just that one time, Twilight!”
“Uh, seven times. You changed the past for the worse seven times before you took my hoof.”
The correction softened Starlight’s scowl. “Okay, seven times, but still--”
“But I forgave you for that immediately, so why can’t you let this go now?”
Starlight closed her eyes. She took a deep breath, then opened her eyes again. She needed to say her next words calmly to most effectively make her point. “Okay, Twilight, let’s say I cast a spell that made your first kiss be with Lord Tirek instead of destroying Equestria. Now, even if I cried at your hooves and begged for mercy, where would you have put me for causing 'Tireklight'?”
Twilight’s pupils shrank. She gulped, bit her lip, and looked away. She was hoping Starlight wouldn’t ask this kind of counter-question. The urge to lie shamelessly was strong. However, Twilight knew that if she did and later let it slip that she lied, Starlight would never let her hear the end of it. Even worse, the Element of Honesty, an orange Earth Pony named Applejack, would have stuck her hoof up Twilight’s...you know.
“Well?” Starlight questioned in an icy tone showing next to no patience.
Twilight sighed and slowly turned her head back to Starlight. "Have I ever said that you have gotten better at naming things since 'Our Town' because 'Tireklight' was pretty cle--"
"Twilight Sparkle!"
"Eep! Okay, I would have sent you to Tartarus!”
Starlight nodded her head in an "I knew it" motion. “Uh-uh. And where would I be right now?”
“Tartarus.”
“And when would you have let me out?”
“I…*gulp*...have no idea.”
“I rest my case,” Starlight said. Her glare was less intense, due to her point being proven, but it still showed she wouldn't give in to Twilight's pleas.
Twilight sighed in understanding. “Okay, I get it: the filly code decrees that a mare ruining the magic of another mare’s or filly's first kiss is an unforgivable sin, even for a princess like myself. I also understand that, as the one it was broken to, the code decrees that you gained the authority to lock me away in Tartarus for it.”
“Yep! But I’m not throwing you in there because you taught me friendship, as long as you wear that sign any time you leave the castle, for a month.”
Twilight put her hooves together in a begging motion. “But can I do something else to get this sign off? I’ll even give you my Alicorn wings AND your own version of Spike to atone!”
“I don’t--wait.” in a confused voice, Starlight asked, “My ‘own version’ of Spike? Why not just give me the real Spike?”
“That’s because I'm not desperate enough to give you my Spike. Plus, it would be the worst crime a mare can do: break the big sister/mom code, which precedes even the filly code.”
“Fair enough. You would have to be an absolute monster of a mare to break the big sister/mom code.”
“But please, Starlight Glimmer, I’ll do anything else!”
Starlight placed a hoof on her cheek and pondered what to do. She was hiding it, but Twilight’s words were slightly wearing her down. “Okay, I have an idea. Stand up. I'll be right back.”
Twilight grinned, her ears perked up, and she sprung to her hooves, hope filling her heart.
Starlight ran out of the library. After a minute, she ran back in, holding a ball of magic glowing turquoise, the same size of the ponies' eyes. “I want you to say what you did last week into this. I had a feeling this might happen, so I created this sphere a few days ago and hid it in my room.”
Twilight stared at the magic and tilted her head to the side. She was happy for this chance, but was still baffled by what Starlight could have been thinking. “Why?”
Starlight growled and questioned, “Twilight, do you want me to let you take that thing off or not?!”
Twilight rapidly nodded her head. “I-I do, so I’ll do it!” Twilight leaned toward the magical ball so her mouth could enter it. The magic felt like hot air (literally) when her mouth made contact with it. Once in position, she repeated what happened the previous week that later broke the filly code. How she mastered a spell that would have attracted the mares she thought was cute to her, ask her on a date, and perhaps even kiss her. How it went wrong and its siren call-like effect went into Chrysalis instead, giving the Changeling a day to forget. After Twilight had finished, the ball vanished.
A mere second later, a female voice that shook books off the library’s bookshelves bellowed, “PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE!!”
“EEP!” Twilight jumped half the distance to the ceiling from shock, but flapped her wings to keep herself airborne. After another second, a bright white light flashed throughout the library, forcing another yelp from Twilight. The whole time, Starlight smiled, but otherwise didn’t respond.
When the light cleared, a white Alicorn stood in the library. She had a flowing light-blue, pink, and light-green mane, and wore a gold crown on her head. Her Cutie Mark was of the sun.
She was the ruler of Equestria, Twilight Sparkle's mentor and former teacher, Princess Celestia.
Uh-oh. Twilight’s in trouble!
Twilight slowed her wing flaps to return to the floor, then immediately fell on her stomach, facing her mentor. “P-P-Princess Celestia? W-What are you doing here?”
Wearing a scowl, Celestia strode to Twilight and soon towered over the smaller Princess. She remained quiet.
Sweat flowed down Twilight’s forehead. She gulped and smiled nervously. Her ears drooped again and her pounding heart beat at triple its regular speed. Even Starlight gulped from nerves, but was still too mad at Twilight to defend her.
After a tense moment, which felt like a day to Twilight, Celestia growled. She shook her head and paced back and forth as she ranted, “I can’t believe you, Twilight Sparkle. I understand that like anypony, you will sometimes make mistakes. That is a fact of life and not even I am immune to making them. But out of all the mistakes you have ever made, this one...OOH!” Celestia stomped a hoof. The sound of the hoof slamming onto the crystal floor sent shivers down Twilight’s spine.
Twilight again gulped. She has seen Princess Celestia angry at her before, but not like this, and why was she mad at her anyway? Twilight collected her courage and meekly said, “Princess Celestia, I don't understand. Why are you so mad at me?”
Celestia stopped pacing. After a deep breath, her horn glowed gold, and the books on the floor were levitated back to the bookshelves. With the books in their rightful places, Celestia turned to face Twilight once again. “First, Twilight, I'm sorry about knocking over your books. I know how much you love them, and I will buy you some more later. But as for your question, I just heard about your actions last week. I would like an explanation for this grand high treason.”
Twilight guessed that when she spoke into Starlight's ball of magic, it somehow carried her voice to Celestia. How Celestia arrived so quickly was one of several questions on Twilight's mind, but she first asked, “Wait, ‘grand high treason’? What I did isn't a kind of trea--”
Celestia interrupted, “It is. Breaking the sacred filly code is considered ‘grand high treason’ as the code decrees. Just like every female pony that has ever lived, you were born with the knowledge of the filly code: didn’t you know that already?”
“Oh, yeah, and I did. I’m just having a bad week.”
“And it is only getting worse for you. Now then, why did you cast a love spell that later ruined the magic of Starlight Glimmer’s first kiss?”
Twilight gulped yet again. It wasn’t just fear holding back her tongue, but shame. Even if Celestia is like her second mother, how could the mare admit that it was all because she, the Princess of Friendship, was desperate for a date or ten? She was also worried that Celestia might bring up the “Want it, Need it” spell fiasco, which Twilight conveniently never informed Starlight about. After a deep breath, Twilight explained her reasons and when she finished, she smiled sheepishly.
“What?” Celestia asked in a chilling voice.
Twilight's smile flipped into a frown. “I’m so sorry, Princess Celestia! I didn’t mean for that spell to break the filly code! Please don’t send me back to Magic Kindergarten!”
“Uh, you know that would be letting you off easy, right?” Celestia asked in a much calmer but puzzled voice. “You should go to Tartarus for breaking the filly code, even by accident.”
“Oh. In that case, I can’t believe I’m saying it, but please send me back to Magic Kindergarten as my punishment!”
“Before I decide what to do, words cannot express just how disappointed I am right now, Twilight. You have told me how Starlight learned to not over-rely on her magic, thanks to your guidance. You told me how bad a mess she was when you took her under your wing, and how she used to be unable to last an hour without casting spells--”
Starlight interrupted, “Hey! Even at my worst, I could have gone at least an hour without my spells! I just...had trouble going longer than four hours without casting one.”
Celestia lifted her head to Starlight. “Really? Because Twilight told me--”
“Uh, let’s get back to my punishment. When will I have to report to school?”
Celestia looked down at Twilight again, who was still lying on her stomach in submission. “Before we get to that, I have another question to ask: Twilight, the spell you cast was supposed to make everypony you thought was cute come after you for dates, correct?”
“Yes.”
“I see. As wrong as that is, there is something else that disappoints me even more.”
“W-What is it?”
Celestia closed her eyes and sighed. It wasn’t out of anger, but of disappointment. What could she be sad about? Twilight wanted to ask that question, but understood it would be best to remain silent.
Starlight was thinking she needed to keep quiet about how she still struggles to go longer than four hours without using spells. In fact, if she didn't cast one in the next fifteen minutes, the urge would force her to impulsively unleash random spells.
That would end BADLY.
After some time in deep thought, Celestia opened her eyes and said, “You always told me whenever you mastered a new spell. So, the thing that disappoints me the most is that you didn’t tell me about that spell!”
“I know, and I’m so--wait, what?”
“What?!” Starlight exclaimed with her eyes widened.
“Yes. Twilight, you think you have waited a long time to have dates for Hearts and Hooves Day? Filly, try a THOUSAND years!”
“What?!” both Twilight and Starlight asked.
“Yes, and I suppose I should explain myself, so you two won’t shout ‘What?’ again like this is EWF (Equestrian Wrestling Federation) Hoofdown. Before Luna became Nightmare Moon, she was my wingmare. However, ever since I had to send her to the moon, I’ve been dateless!”
Twilight asked, “But in that case, why hasn’t she...helped when she returned?”
“That’s because being alone on the moon for a thousand years had made Luna lose her edge and now she’s on the...socially inept side. But before it happened, Luna was one of the best mares at getting dates, and was one of the reasons she became a night owl. She may have thought I had more overall admiration, but she was peerless at landing dates, and it made her the best wingmare in Equestria’s history! Thanks to her, I was spoiled for choice!”
Twilight said, “Wow. I never knew that.”
Starlight set a hoof on her cheek. “Hmm. Princess Luna once told me that she saw a lot of herself in me, so does that mean that I could finally bag Su--”
Celestia interrupted, “So that spell could have finally solved my own dating problem!”
Twilight asked, “But you’re the ruler of Equestria, so why can’t you get a date? I’m sure stallions would be, uh, interested.”
Celestia’s ears drooped and she looked away. She sighed, turned her head back to Twilight, and answered, “That’s because I’m too shy to work my magic without a good wingmare. I asked Princess Cadance to use her magic to get me dates, but she said it 'wouldn't be ethical'. Kind of a hypocrite if you ask me with the spells she does use.”
This was something Twilight had already thought about. For years, she had begged Cadance to use her magic as the Princess of Love to make Twilight's crushes ask her out. Unfortunately for Twilight, Cadance always flatly refused to perform the spells for it.
Celestia's eyes locked onto the sign on Twilight's chest. It forced giggles from her and she perked her ears back up. "Twilight, I don’t question that you really do think what it says, but why is that sign on your chest?”
“This? Starlight’s forcing me to wear this for a month as an ‘unofficial’ punishment.”
Celestia giggled again and said, “Is that so? Good idea, Starlight!”
Starlight giggled in return. “Thanks, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia’s smile faded and a frown took its place again. “But, Twilight, as for your official punishment for breaking the filly code, I will tell you what: since Starlight appears to have chosen to spare you from going to Tartarus, I will deliver no further punishment, as long as you teach me that spell to get dates.”
Twilight again gulped, setting a new Equestrian world record for most nervous gulps in five minutes (six) and bit her lip. “Uh...I’m sorry, Princess Celestia, but I can’t. The magic for the spell I wrote for it is still in Chrysalis's body in an inactive state. The magic can only be created once, so the spell can't be cast again.”
Celestia sighed, her hopes for her own dates dashed. “Is that so? In that case, I will extend your punishment of wearing that sign for one month, to two months.”
Twilight’s pupils shrank and she leaped to her hooves. Wearing the sign for a month was already too much, but having to wear it for two months? It would be unbearable! “WHAT?! Please, please, Princess Celestia, don’t make me wear this for two months! I'll die of embarrassment! Besides, as a grown mare and a princess, I shouldn’t be wearing things like this on me! Especially not when foals are nearby!”
“Well, Twilight, perhaps the next time you master a love spell, you’ll let me know immediately, and whether it was an accident or not, you broke the filly code. Anyway, I must take my leave. I need to drink some cid--uh, go over some paperwork to help me forget about how I could have had dates last week during Hearts and Hooves Day.” Celestia turned around to walk toward one of the library’s light-green double-doors.
“No, Princess Celestia, please reconsider!”
Celestia made no response to Twilight’s pleas and simply walked out of the door.
Twilight whined and looked down. She had no idea how she would tolerate two months of wearing the humiliating sign of “I can’t lie: I love big flanks” on her chest.
Starlight took no pity and smirked. “Well, Twilight, looks like you would have been better off not begging me to let you take that off. But think of it this way: at least every mare’s eyes are on you now, just not for dates. See you later, big flank lover!” Starlight trotted out of the room. She needed to cast a spell to relieve her itch to cast them: her four-hour limit was nearly up.
Alone in the library, Twilight screamed and stomped her hooves. The sound from the hooves' frustration-filled slam could be heard outside of the castle. It is times like these when Princess Twilight has to remind herself that she's the Princess of Friendship and thus can't physically hurt anypony, unless it's a last resort.
“Starlight Glimmer, if I ever turn evil, you are going to be the first to go.” Twilight thought about it. The deeds of a certain Earth Pony that she heard about surfaced into her head, making the Alicorn quickly change her mind.
“Actually, make that second: Spoiled Rich would still be the first to go.”
Author's Note
Poor Twilight, but it's not over yet. What would happen to her next?
Chapter 2: The rant, a spark of evil, and the revenge
“I can’t believe it. Two months of wearing this sign. I know I broke the filly code, but it was an accident! I live to spread friendship and I've helped saved Equestria several times, so shouldn’t that...”
Ten minutes after Princess Celestia had declared her to wear the “I can’t lie: I love big flanks” sign on her chest for two months, Princess Twilight Sparkle stomped out of her castle, ranting to herself. Even though it was true, she didn’t want to outright tell others the fact that she liked big flanks. At least, not unless they were her very special somepony or someponies.
She would have loved nothing less than (save for ignoring she’s a good pony and kick Starlight Glimmer’s flank for this) to remain in her castle, but she couldn’t. It was time for her semi-weekly counting of houses in Ponyville to satisfy the urges of her OCD, and it wasn’t going to happen by itself. The thought of being late to do something made her unable to just delay the task.
Fortune rarely shone on Twilight this previous week, even if the actual sun overhead was, but it elected to at this moment: nopony was in sight. If there were ponies nearby, they were inside the surrounding houses. Knowing she wouldn't be ridiculed for the time being allowed Twilight to cease her ranting and she took a deep breath to calm herself. She sat on a red bench and focused her gaze on the houses in front of her. The cool breeze blowing onto her coat further relaxed her.
“Okay. One, two, three, four, five--WHOA!”
A powerful burst of white smoke materialized in front of Twilight, forcing her to scream and jump off the bench from surprise, but flapped her wings just fast enough to softly land. The experience also made her heart beat faster and harder.
When the smoke cleared, it revealed an azure Unicorn. She had a pale-blue mane that ended in a curl on both sides of her head, and her tail was the same color. Her Cutie Mark was of a magician's...okay, fine, she’s the Great and Powerful Trixie, so why am I still explaining her appearance? Let’s just get to the good stuff.
Now then, Trixie stood in front of Twilight with a scowl.
“Trixie?”
“Yes, it is I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, and I have some questions for you, Twilight Sparkle!”
Twilight was curious about why Trixie seemed upset, but she had other matters to concern herself with. Such as the sign she’d have to wear for seven more weeks. Even so, she asked, “What?”
“I heard about that spell you cast last week. It made those you think are cute come after you for dates, correct?”
“Yes?”
Trixie pointed a hoof at herself. “I wasn’t affected, so you don’t think I'm cute?”
Twilight tilted her head to the side. “Huh?”
"Sure, the Great and Powerful Trixie could do better, but I would have appreciated at least being considered an option.”
“If you can really do better, then why are you mad that I...don’t feel that way about you?”
Trixie bit her lip and her ears drooped. “B-Because it’s...well...it’s insulting!”
“Insulting?”
“Yeah!" Trixie pointed the hoof that was pointed at herself to Twilight. "How would you like it if I thought every mare in Ponyville was cute, but not you?”
Trixie raised a valid point. She didn't give the slightest thought of dating Princess Twilight Sparkle, though this underpaid narrator would question why not. But still, Twilight thought most of the mares in Ponyville were cute, but not Trixie, causing her pride to suffer a blow.
Twilight stuttered, “Uh...well, I s-see your point, b-but--”
“You see?! What's wrong with me? Is it because I don't wear make-up?”
“T-There’s nothing wrong with you, but--”
“Is it my flank? I may not have the biggest flank, but you would still be hard-pressed to find a better one in all of Equestria! Look at it!” Trixie swung around to show her rear.
Disclaimer: The lazy as hell writer of this absurd Twilight Sparkle-centered story wants me to remind you that a pony's flank is technically not their butts, but Equestrian ponies just like calling their butts that.
Now with that disclaimer out of the way, back to the story. Then when it's over, I'm demanding a raise.
Staring at Trixie’s “flank” Twilight muttered, “It’s uh...nice?”
Trixie growled and spun around to face Twilight again with gritted teeth. “‘Nice’? ‘Nice’?! Not ‘great' or at least 'good'? I’ve never been so insulted, so consider this flank something you’ll never have!” With her rant over, Trixie huffed and stormed off, mumbling to herself.
Twilight stood motionless with her mouth widened. After a moment, she said, “Okay, that was weird.” Twilight thought about Trixie’s flank, making her cheeks grow red. “And is it weird that I just got turn--no, I can’t!” Twilight slapped her cheek. The Alicorn couldn’t get any ideas; Starlight has been angry at her as it is. She just simply sat back on the bench and resumed her house-counting.
However, when she reached the sixth house, she felt great pain from something striking the back of her head. Everything went dark before the Princess even had a chance to scream.
With a weak moan, Twilight slowly forced open her eyelids. The back of her head hurt, but the pain was manageable. The room's brown rock walls plus the room's dimmer light suggested she was in a cave. But Twilight couldn't even think "oh my head", because the smiling figure standing in front of her was far more alarming.
She was black, with a dark-blue mane, but she wasn't a pony. Her legs had holes in them. Her thin, insect-like wings were the same color as her mane. A large, crooked horn grew out of her forehead.
She was none other than the ex-Queen of the Changelings, Chrysalis herself!
“Good. You finally woke up.”
“Chrysalis?!” Twilight attempted to move her legs, but they wouldn’t budge an inch. Letting out fearful moans, she tried to tilt her head down, but she could barely move it either. With her heart rate elevated, she rolled her pupils down to look at herself and saw that her body was wrapped in a green cocoon and only her head was uncovered. However, the sign that had been on her chest was now stuck on the outside of the cocoon.
"Yes, it is I, Queen Chrysalis! And, Princess Twilight Sparkle, or should I say 'lover of big flanks', I am going to have some fun with you.”
The words "lover of big flanks" made Twilight stop moaning and growl. The bad mood she was in before returned, allowing the fear she felt to drop and the beating of her heart lowered in both speed and intensity. She also grew more oblivious to the pain from the back of her head. “Why do you have me in this cocoon? What’s going on?!”
“I’m asking the questions here!” Chrysalis shot back with a scowl. “Now first, I did some research, and I know *shudder* the humiliation I suffered last week was your fault!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Uh, that phrase wasn’t a question.”
“Silence!”
“If you want me to be silent, how can I answer your questions?” Twilight asked in a lecturing voice.
Chrysalis raised a foreleg to point at Twilight, ready to deliver a counter-question, but quickly realized that she raised a valid argument. “I...fine, point taken.” Chrysalis moved the leg pointing at Twilight to her cheek and sighed. “Sorry, I have had a long week. After I fled Ponyville, it took three days of lying in a ball in the Badlands to regain my sanity.”
“You’re not the only one to have had a bad week. Starlight and Princess Celestia are forcing me to wear this demeaning sign saying I love big flanks anytime I go outside for two months. If I refuse, they'll send me to Tartarus.”
“Oh, so that’s why you had that sign on your chest when I snuck up behind you and captured you. Starlight Glimmer embarrassed both of us and I hate Celestia, so if I didn’t want revenge on you, I would propose that we join forces and teach those two a lesson! And it would be the closest we'll ever come to Chrylight.”
“It wouldn’t matter anyway. Unless you make me evil, I’ll never team up with you!”
“Ha! Well, if my revenge doesn't kill you, maybe I'll come back for our team up later. With the way you stress out, you’ll drive yourself crazy and become evil on your own in the next three years. Anyway, let’s get back to what happened to me with those mares: what the buck did you do?”
“If you mean when the mares in Ponyville chased after you, begging you to be their date, I invented a spell to have them do that to me. But before I could cast it on myself, it went awry and the magic flew into you.”
Chrysalis disapprovingly shook her head. “Spells backfiring. I thought you, the so-called Element of Magic, would know better than that!”
“Okay, it wasn’t that I just messed up: Starlight distracted me and I lost control of the magic for it!”
Chrysalis gritted her teeth and growled. Without even trying, Starlight once again played a role in her humiliation. “Starlight Glimmer...of course. That’s the second time that sow did something to ruin my plans by luck. After I’m finished with you, she’s next!”
“Well, at least you’re not putting all the blame on me.”
“Of course not. That ridiculous ‘filly code’ you mares live your entire lives by doesn't apply to me, so why should I be irrationally furious at you for breaking it? Besides, I'm semi-irrationally furious at you for just casting the spell that--"
"Uh, how can you feel semi-irrationally about something?"
Chrysalis let out a growl full of annoyance. "Can you just cut the technicalities and let me rant?! Now where was I? Oh, yes. I'm semi-irrationally furious at you for casting the spell that gave me one of the worst days of my life: being hit on by...ponies! And during that, Starlight grabbed me and put her...ugh...tongue in my mouth!” Chrysalis covered her mouth with a foreleg, summoning all her willpower to not gag.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, Chrysalis. Starlight's not Equestria's...most experienced kisser, but she couldn't have been that bad, and there’s nothing wrong with ponies.”
“So, you wouldn’t feel weird if a Changeling hit on you?”
Twilight’s eyes widened. Chrysalis had a point. If Changelings pursued Twilight for dates like ponies did to Chrysalis, she would feel quite awkward about it, despite having nothing against (reformed) Changelings. Thus she remained quiet and rolled her pupils to a side of her eyes to look away from Chrysalis.
Chrysalis nodded her head, knowing she nailed a bull's-eye. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Chrysalis’s lips curled into an evil smile. “But now...ha ha…let’s get to the fun part: my revenge.”
Twilight knew she was helpless, but she nonetheless reset her pupils to the center of her eyes to look at Chrysalis and gritted her teeth out of defiance. “What are you going to do with me?”
“Yes, what should I do to you?" Chrysalis formed an embarrassed smile. "You know, I was so busy drooling over this moment, I didn't think about what my revenge would be, so maybe I could...oh! I could break your horn as payment for the humiliation you put me through."
Twilight gasped out of fear and shock. "That's barbaric! Don't you have any kind of feminine pride?!"
"If you think that's barbaric, maybe I’ll rip your wings off. No, that might make someone happy.”
“Huh? Why would someone want me to lose my wings? And why did you say ‘someone’?”
“I just have a strange feeling that someone might enjoy you losing your wings and be made a Unicorn again, but I have no idea why. But enough about that: tearing off your wings would be too good for you, because you need to suffer for the disgrace that spell made me experience." Chrysalis raised her head up in thought. What could she subject Twilight Sparkle to that would quench her desire for retribution? Three seconds later, Chrysalis lowered her head, wearing a crooked grin. "Yessss, I know what to do to you now, and it's perfect! It'll be far worse for you than ripping off your horn and wings!”
“What could be worse than tearing off my horn and wings? Are you going to simply kill me?!”
“Ha ha, you’ll see. But first, we are going on a field trip to Tartarus.” With her magic, Chrysalis picked up the cocoon holding Twilight and carried her down the caves’ passageways while walking. Chrysalis could have flown to get to Tartarus faster, but the love she managed to eat last week was too high in calories, so Chrysalis chose to walk the whole way.
Refusing to be taken without a fight, Twilight gritted her teeth and focused her energy in her horn to fire a magical blast. Alas, after she let out a grunt, nothing happened.
“Oh, don’t try to use your pathetic magic because that cocoon seals off magic from ponies, even Alicorns. You forgot?”
Not wanting to admit she forgot that it happened once when she, her friends, and the other Princesses were trapped in them and taken to the Changeling Hive, Twilight grumbled, “Maybe.”
Later, in the bowels of Tartarus...
Surrounded by cages filled with Bugbears, Cockatrices, Chimeras, and other dangerous creatures, Chrysalis was still carrying the cocooned Twilight in her magic. The latter was facing the former. High up on the top of a cone-shaped pillar, open at its top, was a cage containing one of the most feared villains in Equestria’s history.
“Chrysalis, if your plan is to trap me here, it won't work! With the power of friendship, my friends will find me! And when I'm free, I'll form a well-thought-out plan to kick your flank because I'm in a bad mood because of this sign!”
“See? I told you that stress is slowly turning you evil; you're making threats to get revenge physically. Next thing you know, you're going to make the mistake of telling me what your evil plan is. But I'm not planning to trap you in here forever anyway, so save those threats for when you fully become evil.”
“If trapping me in Tartarus isn't your plan, then what is it?!”
A male voice complained, “Hey! Quiet! Can’t a Centaur suffer an eternity in Tartarus in peace?”
Twilight gasped. She was still facing Chrysalis and away from where the voice came from, but she recognized it, telling her that Chrysalis took her to the section of Tartarus holding Lord Tirek. She and Chrysalis were currently crossing the narrow zigzagging path leading to his cage.
“Tirek? Why are you taking me to see him?”
“For my revenge, of course. What, you think I'm dragging you down here for an afternoon picnic?”
“I don’t understand,” Twilight said. After five seconds, she and Chrysalis had crossed the narrow path and were now in front of Tirek's cage. Chrysalis turned Twilight around, so she now faced Tirek's direction.
Tirek rubbed his head and said, “For once, we are in agreement, because I don't understand either. What are... *snicker*...wait, what’s with that sign, Princess Twilight? I didn’t know you were a ‘flank mare’!”
Twilight sighed. “Trust me, wearing this isn’t my idea.”
Chrysalis asked, “And, Tirek, I’m sure you’re wondering why we’re here, right?”
“The thought crossed my mind.”
“I'll explain, but first, let me tell you what the Princess of Desperation here made me go through last week on Hearts and Hooves Day.”
"Well, it's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon, so go ahead and tell your tale."
Chrysalis explained what happened to her the previous week because of Twilight’s spell.
After the story, Tirek fell over in laughter.
“Ha ha! Wow, Chrysalis, she made you ‘the lovebug’?! Oh, that’s rich!”
“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and get your laughs out. I'd MUCH rather take this over being pursued for dates and kissed by ponies.”
After more laughter, Tirek stood back on his hooves and said, “Okay, I’m done. If you came to give me a laugh, Queen Lovebug, you did well, so leave and let me be, and take your little pony with you.”
"Hey, I'm not a 'little' pony! I know I'm small for an Alicorn, but I'm still a normal size for a mare!"
“And I’m not going anywhere until I have my revenge on this pathetic 'little' pony." Chrysalis turned Twilight around, so the two were facing each other again. “Now, I'm sure I know the answer, but have you ever been kissed before?”
Twilight blushed and shouted, “That’s none of your business!”
Chrysalis grinned. “I'll take that as a ‘no’. According to that filly code of yours, ruining a mare’s first kiss is one of the worst things you can do to them, correct?”
“Yes. Some mares, including me, would rather die than have one of the most memorable moments of our lives ruined. But what does--” Twilight’s pupils shrank to half their normal size and she gasped deeply. Chrysalis's plot -- no, not that plot -- for her vengeance became clear. “No...no...you wouldn't! You couldn't!”
Chrysalis’s grin grew bigger. “I can, and I will." Chrysalis once again spun Twilight around, so she faced Tirek a second time. "See the old geezer in that cage?”
Tirek countered, “Please, you’re not exactly ‘young’ yourself.”
Chrysalis lowered Twilight to glare at Tirek. “Well at least I don't look old!" Chrysalis lifted Twilight back up. "Anyway, flank lover, Tirek’s going to be your first kiss, so prepare yourself!”
Twilight's pupils shrank even more, knowing for certain Chrysalis was scheming what she thought she was. "NO! I don’t want to have Tirek as my first kiss!”
“As much as it pains me to agree with her, you’re not making us kiss, Queen Lovebug. I can hardly tolerate her presence, let alone locking lips with her!”
“Gee, Tirek, I thought you would love to see her in agony.”
Tirek fidgeted his fingers. “Well, yes, I would, because I despise her. But still, she and I kissing?”
“Didn't you hear her? She said that she’d rather die than have her first kiss ruined. I thought you'd jump at the chance to kill this pony, let alone give her a fate worse than death!”
A smile formed on Tirek’s lips. “That does sound appealing, but still--”
“Didn’t she steal what was yours: the Alicorn magic of all the Alicorns in Equestria?”
“Yes, she did--”
Twilight's pupils returned to normal size. She scowled and interrupted, “Now wait just a second! That wasn’t your Alicorn magic, Tirek, and you know it! It was the Princesses' and my magic! You're not even an Alicorn!”
Tirek groaned. “Just like a goody-goody to point out the boring technicalities.”
Twilight's scowl weakened and her frown went from an angry one to a puzzled one. “How does being right about technicalities make me a--”
Chrysalis interrupted, “Quiet, goody-goody, you just sit there and think about your kiss, like a good mare that's slowly turning evil."
Tirek smiled. He loathed her as a kind-hearted pony, but an evil Twilight Sparkle was something he could get behind. "Wait, she's turning evil? I knew it would happen eventually with how she stresses out! Princess Twilight, when you're completely evil, come back and free me, then with my ruthlessness and your knowledge of the magic in Equestria, we'll rule Equestria together!"
From both shock, anger, and deep down, knowing a trace of evil had formed in her from the past week's humiliation, Twilight shouted, "NO WAY! I am not becoming evil! I just stress out a lot!"
"Sure, sure, and didn't you cast a mind-control spell just to get a date or ten?" Tirek countered with a smirk.
"W-W-Well, Starlight used mind-control spells too, so why is nopony saying she's becoming evil?"
Chrysalis guessed, "Maybe it's because that fool is too dangerous to ever be evil. With the recklessness I've seen from her, she might destroy Equestria without even meaning to if she ever becomes a villain or a lamer 'anti-villain'. But anyway, Tirek, here’s your chance to have your own revenge on the still-goody-goody Princess of Friendship! Are you gonna take it? Going once, going twice...”
In truth, Chrysalis wasn’t actually going to take her “offer” off the table. She just didn’t want to appear too desperate.
“Uh...okay, you win. Bring her to me, so we can kiss and we get to see her in glorious misery! Do I have to use tongue?”
"Of course, if you want her to suffer as much as possible. It could even speed up her path to darkness."
Staring at the caged Centaur that would be her first-ever kiss, Twilight begged, “No! Don't make me kiss him, Chrysalis! It’s bad enough I have to wear this sign for two months! Please don’t take away the magic of my first kiss!”
Chrysalis ordered, “Just shut up and pucker up."
“Wait, let’s just talk this over! Uh, how about I give you my castle and two versions of your own Spike and we call it even? Or let you rip off my horn and wings? I'll even give you one of my books and...wait, where’s Cerberus? Isn’t he supposed to be here?”
Tirek answered, “Oh, that three-headed mutt? He's in Las Pegasus on a two-week vacation.”
Twilight had never wanted to see Cerberus more than now. He could have stopped Chrysalis, but with him on vacation, there was nothing to save her.
Chrysalis used her magic to bend the bars of Tirek’s cage, then levitated the still-cocooned Twilight inside, still grunting and struggling to free herself.
Twilight's and Lord Tirek's lips locked and they let out moans.
Chrysalis laughed with immense pleasure at the sight, knowing Princess Twilight Sparkle was suffering the worst time of her life. It was almost worth being chased by mares and kissed by Starlight Glimmer the previous week.
After ten seconds of one of the most improbable make-out sessions in Equestria's history, Chrysalis pulled Twilight away from Tirek.
Tirek spat out the saliva Twilight got in his mouth, then wiped his lips for good measure. “Ugh, for a princess, you're an awful kisser! No wonder you never kissed anypony!”
Chrysalis said, “To be fair, you would have probably enjoyed that a lot more if you were a pony.”
"Fair enough. Now, you two can leave. But, Chrysalis?”
“What?”
“I think you wasted your opportunity for revenge. As per the villain code, because you technically won because nopony foiled your plan, you can’t try another one and must release her unharmed.”
“I did? How?”
Tirek pointed at Twilight. “Just take a look at Princess Twilight, Queen Lovebug.”
Chrysalis spun Twilight around and stared at her face. Chrysalis gasped and her jaw dropped to the ground.
Twilight wasn’t crying or whimpering from a horrible first kiss. She wasn't even moaning from disgust.
Instead, the Princess of Friendship was blushing and wearing a huge smile. Stars and hearts were in her eyes. The spark of evil once hidden deep in them was no longer in existence, making her pure of heart again.
After Chrysalis's jaw returned to its normal position, she asked, “Seriously? You liked it?”
Author's Note
Way to go Lovebug. You just made Tireklight a thing!
