Chapters There's a Pony In My House!
Author's Note
Just a fun little fluff piece I decided on while working on my other projects.
Beer and Popcorn
I was as amazed as anyone when the first reports of some kind of mysterious portal opening, and actual aliens started entering our world. At first, they were met with fear and suspicion. The military wanted to seize them all and lock them away in laboratories, doing God only knows what kinds of experiments. But after a few weeks, when they showed no signs of hostility, (and because they were all so damn cute ) fears subsided and we all got used to them.
Except me.
I wanted nothing to do with them. Sure, they fascinated me, for their existence proved we were no longer alone in the universe, but I have my own set of problems. I didn't want a bunch of freaky aliens thrown on the pile. So you can imagine my reaction when I went home one day, only to find one of them sitting on my porch.
I stopped and stared. Its head just barely reached my waist and had a multi-colored mane and wings! I hadn't been keeping up with the news after the first few weeks, but I didn't remember any of them having wings. I must have missed it. Anyway, after a few moments, I said, "What do you want?" The alien replied in its own language, and I didn't understand a word. I guess not all of them knew English, and this only furthered my irritation. I sighed and said, "Look, I can't understand you, but you're blocking my door. Buzz off." It (she? he?) moved aside as I took out my keys and went to my door.
As soon as I opened it, the alien pushed past me and went inside. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!" It looked over its shoulder at me, and then started nosing around my house, going everywhere downstairs. I followed it to see where it was going, getting pissed at its audacity. As it bent over to rummage around inside my kitchen cabinets, I noticed the lack of male parts. So this had to be a female, which reminded me of my bratty little sister who used to bug the shit out of me.
It only pissed me off more.
I walked up to her and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck. "You're getting out of here. Now." I picked her up under my arm and carried her to the front door, opened it and tossed her out. "Beat it!" I then went back to my couch and flopped down on it. Leaning forward, I grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV. After idly staring at the screen for a few minutes, I decided to make some buttered popcorn. I'd just finished making it and had sat back down when I looked over at the front door and was just wondering to myself if I'd locked it. Suddenly, the doorknob turned, and she came walking back in like she owned the place!
"Bitch, I will slap you with my dick!"
She stopped and stared at me, while her ears drew back and her eyes got really big. Well, bigger. "Aw jeez, not the puppy dog eyes." I took a few moments and thought, while she really poured on the look, trembled her bottom lip and cocked her head to one side. Eventually, I sighed and waved her in. I wasn't made of stone. She smiled brightly, closed the door, then hopped up on the couch and settled herself next to me. I stared at her, while she stared at the screen. "Fuck it," I finally said to no one in particular, and just flipped through the channels. She then noticed the popcorn, for she stuck her muzzle into the bowl and began munching.
"Sure, help yourself. Why the fuck not?"
I slid the bowl over in front of her and went back to the TV. I could barely hear it over the crunching. I shook my head and looked down at her, still buried in the popcorn bowl. It was then I noticed she had some sort of tattoo on her butt, a cloud with a rainbow-colored lightning bolt coming out of it. It looked kind of cool, actually. But then, I realized the popcorn (what little I'd eaten) had made me thirsty, so my "guest" was probably the same. "Would you like a beer to go with your snack?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm. She raised up from the bowl long enough to look back at me, crumbs and butter all over her mouth, then resumed eating. "I'll take that as a 'yes.'"
I got up from the couch and got two cans of beer, then set one down in front of her in the coffee table. I popped mine open and took a long slug. She stopped eating and stared at me, then at her beer, then back at me. I grabbed hers and popped it open for her. She got up and sniffed it, raised it in both hooves and took a tentative sip, then smacked her lips. Her eyes grew wide, then she threw her head back and drained it in several massive gulps. I guess she liked it. She then tossed the empty can on the floor and gave a huge belch. I was impressed in spite of myself. "Good hang time on that one." She used one hoof to point at my beer, then back at herself. That hint was pretty clear, even with the language barrier.
Six cans and thirty minutes later she was passed out on her back, all four legs splayed out, with her head on my lap, snoring.
Lightweight.
Even though I was still slightly miffed at the intrusion, I couldn't help but smile as I watched her sleep. That belly, slightly pudgy due to the beer, looked so scritchable! My hand raised, then I put it back down. I was fighting a losing battle. Finally, I reached down and gave her belly a good scritch. She paused in her snoring, then one back leg began kicking. I stopped, then the leg stopped. I started again, then the leg started again.
I am in complete control of this pony.
I stopped, then her snoring resumed. I took her head and lifted it, then gently eased myself out and away from her and stood up. She looked down for the count, so I guessed she wasn't going anywhere for a while. I sighed again and got a blanket. I draped it over her and went upstairs to my room.
It seems I have an overnight houseguest.
There's a Pony In My House!
I came cautiously down the stairs the next morning, expecting to see her still sprawled out on my couch, but she was gone. I went all the way downstairs and looked around. Everything seemed to be in order, though my downstairs bathroom door was ajar. I grit my teeth as I slowly opened it, expecting to see a horrendous mess, but that was fine too. The seat was down, so she'd obviously used it. I was afraid ponies didn't know how human bathrooms worked.
When I went into the kitchen, I did see a bowl with some milk and cereal still floating in it, so it looked like she'd helped herself to some breakfast before she'd bounced. I shook my head at her presumption, put the bowl in the sink, and went back upstairs to get showered for work. All during the shower, I was simmering with the thought she hadn't even bothered to say 'thank you.' Not that I would have understood her, but some sort of gesture would have been nice. Still, there was no harm done, and I figured I'd seen the last of her.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
About a week later I was sitting in my usual spot watching TV when I heard a scratching at my door. I got up to open it, curious as to what could be making that noise, then froze. There, on the step, was not one, but two ponies! The one with the weird multi-colored mane had apparently brought a friend. The new pony was scrunched down, hiding behind the first one, so it was hard to get a good look at it, but what I could see was a yellow coat, and long pink hair. Or mane, I think it's called. It peeped up at me through its mane, and I could see one bright blue eye staring up at me.
"I suppose you both want to come in?" I asked as I pushed the door wide. First pony smiled up at me, then turned to her friend and spoke in their language. Second pony shook her (?) head. Then First pony sighed, grabbed her friend under her forelegs and bodily lifted her while flying, then deposited her on my couch. I distinctly heard an "eep!" while she was lifting her. Once there, she curled herself into a ball and shut her eyes. I looked at her butt and could see another one of those tattoos, only hers was a trio of butterflies. I shut my door and gazed at them. "Now, what am I going to call you both?" Based on their tattoos, I decided to call the first pony "Bolt" and the second one "Butterfly."
I seated myself on the couch, and Butterfly scooted as far away from me as she could. Bolt sat herself next to me, between me and Butterfly, looked up at me and made a drinking motion with one of her hooves. "Sure, why not?" I said as I got up to get the beers. I got three, opened them all and set two of them on the coffee table. Bolt immediately grabbed hers and threw it back, while Butterfly opened her eyes and watched her. Bolt paused in her drinking long enough to encourage her friend to try one. Butterfly looked at her friend, looked at me, then looked at her beer. She got up and took it in her hooves, then took a sip. Immediately she spit it out and went "blehh!" No beer for you, then. She set the can down and wiped her mouth with one hoof. Then she turned and glared at me , then put her back to me, nose in the air, and went "hmph!" Now, what did I do? It was her friend that wanted her to try it, not me!
Whatever the case, that incident seemed to make her get over her fear of me, for she got down from the couch and started nosing around. Bolt, however, finished off her own beer, then reached for her friend's discarded one, but I leaned forward and snatched it before she could. She glared up at me, but I shook my head. The last thing I need is her passing out on my couch again, and now there's two of them! I honestly don't mind company, but I prefer to know beforehand when they're coming over, and how long they'll stay. This one stuck her bottom lip out, sat back against the couch and crossed her hooves. Now I guess she's mad at me too.
Meanwhile, Butterfly had made her way into my kitchen and I heard her open my refrigerator. I got up to see what the hell she was doing. As I stood there and watched her, she finally found the milk and took it out. What is it with these ponies and just helping their damn selves? She brought it to my kitchen table and was apparently having trouble opening it with her hooves. I grunted my own "hmph!" and took it from her, she watching me the whole time. I got a glass, as she was apparently going to drink directly from the jug, (something I hate doing, even though I live alone) and poured her some. I actually got a smile from her as I placed it in front of her, and she lifted it with both hooves and finished it off. At least I wouldn't have one of them passed out. I smiled myself as I looked down at her, and absently reached down and gave her ears a good scratch. She gasped and her eyes grew wide, then she closed her eyes and leaned into my scratching, making "mmmm" sounds as I did so.
This must have attracted the other pony's attention, for she came in to see what was happening. She looked at her friend, then up at me, then walked forward and slowly pushed her head into the same hand I was scratching Butterfly with, displacing her. I complied and started scratching her ears, and the effect was immediate. Butterfly crossed her hooves and began pouting, but Bolt was too much in rapture to notice. Her eyes rolled up in her head and she began moaning, so that's when it got weird and I stopped. Bolt stuck her bottom lip out and pointed at her ears, but I shook my head and went back to the couch. They both followed me and hopped up on either side of me, but I'd made up my mind: no more ear scritches!
So that's when Bolt lay back on the couch, put her head on my lap and pointed to her belly. I stared at her. She pointed again. "Alright, so long as it doesn't get weird." I reached down and gave her a good belly scritch. She closed her eyes and smiled, then her leg started kicking as it did before. Butterfly watched this, then did the same, lying on her back and pointing to her own. I sighed, then started on her belly.
"Oh, that's good!" she sighed. I immediately stopped and gazed at her in amazement.
"You can talk?! "
There's a Pony In My House!
I turned off the TV as she nodded. "Yes, it's my special talent, communicating with other species."
I had about a million questions, but I finally settled on, "What's your name?" I looked down at the one who was still lying back, impatiently waiting for me to continue scratching her. "And what's her name?"
She smiled. "I'm Fluttershy, and that's Rainbow Dash."
"Huh. I was calling you Bolt and Butterfly."
She giggled. "That's cute! What's your name?"
"Carl."
She smiled. "I like it! It's a very Human name!"
I got poked by...umm...Rainbow, so I started scratching her belly again. But I didn't let it distract me. "So...what are you all doing here? On Earth, I mean?"
Her eyes brightened. "Oh, that's easy! We're here to spread the message of Love and Friendship™!"
I stared at her. "Come again?"
"Love and Friendship™! You Humans really need to hear our message, considering all your wars and such." She took a deep breath, and began:
"We ponies have a special force that connects us, called Harmony. Harmony and friendship are what brings us together, and helps everypony ("Say that again?") ...umm...everypony ("That's what I thought you said.") get along so well. In fact, there's a Tree of Harmony that is one of the most powerful objects in our world, that created the Elements of Harmony. Oh, I must tell you about those! ("If you must...") There are six of them, and they are Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Kindness, Laughter, and Magic! My five friends and I were chosen to wear these Elements, and Rainbow Dash's is Loyalty, Applejack is Honesty, Rarity is Generosity, Pinkie Pie's is Laughter, Twilight's is Magic, and mine is Kindness! With them, we spread Love and Friendship™ throughout the land, and everypony is happy! Even when they're not, we all do what we can to help them! I must tell you about some of our adventures! We..."
I held up my hand. "That's okay, I think I get the gist of it." I could feel my teeth aching from all the sugary sap she was spouting. "You ponies are superior moral beings, here to lead us lowly Earthlings to Paradise."
The sarcasm was immediately lost on her, for she merely waved a hoof, smiled and said, "That's quite right. You desperately need our help."
I arched an eyebrow. "So, how do you plan on...ahem..." helping" us?"
She grinned. "By example, of course! Once you're shown how to live, we can only expect you to emulate us!" I looked at her, then at the pony who was currently enjoying a belly scritch.
"Does that...example...include invading my home, drinking my beer, and milk, and invading my privacy?" She waved this off again.
"We didn't think you'd mind. After all, we're only looking out for your wellbeing. How could you refuse?" She lay down again. "Speaking of which, I could use some more attention here." She pointed to her midsection. But I got to my feet.
"Yeah, I think I'm done here."
Both gazed at me, then Fluttershy said, "Is something wrong?" Before I could answer, I heard more scratching at my door.
"Now what?" I said as I went to open it. This time, it was a bright pink pony, bouncing up and down on my welcome mat, with the biggest grin I'd ever seen plastered on ( I assumed) her face. She bounced past me and went up to the other ponies and gave them each a hug. I guessed she knew them.
Then it dawned on me: this had to be Pinkie Pie, the one with the Laughter thingie. I went back to the door and looked out, expecting to see the rest of them on their way, but there was no sign of more ponies. I breathed a sigh of relief, but before I could turn around, I heard an explosion! I whipped my head back in the direction of my living room, only to be struck speechless. In the short time I'd been at my door, my entire downstairs had been redecorated with balloons, streamers, and confetti! The pink one was slicing up a cake she'd gotten from God knows where, and was passing out slices. She bounced up to me and placed a plate in my hands, then booped my nose. I couldn't speak. I looked around and saw a pink cannon sitting off to the side, with bits of confetti and streamers still clinging to it. Where the hell did that come from?!
As I stood there stunned, the pinkie went to my stereo and started blasting techno music, then produced a disco ball from her mane. She threw it up to the ceiling, where it stuck and started rotating, casting colored lights all over the place! While I was standing there with my mouth hanging open ( and wondering where the music came from, as I hate techno music and didn't have a copy) the door burst inward behind me and about a fuckton of ponies started pouring in! A couple of them rolled a keg in and set it up, while most started dancing with each other, on my furniture! Then I saw a few of them talking to Rainbow, who pointed to her ears and then stood on her hind legs and rubbed her belly. Then she pointed to me. They all turned as one and stared at me, made an "ooooo" sound, then suddenly I was rushed by a crowd of them, all pointing to their ears, while some also got on their own hind legs and exposed their bellies! I'm in trouble!
"What the hell is going on?!?"
I turned to see who had shouted and saw two cops standing there in my doorway, surveying the scene. One pointed at me and repeated his question, but had to shout to be heard over the music and dancing. "What is all this?!"
I put one finger in my ear and leaned forward. "These ponies just all showed up out of nowhere, and started partying!"
He exchanged a look with his partner, then looked at all the ponies clustered around me, still pointing to their ears. "Did you give any of them ear scritches?!"
"What?!"
"I said, did you give any of them ear scritches?! Or belly rubs?!" I nodded.
"Yes, a couple of them!!"
He stared at me. "You fool!! Now you'll never get rid of them!! Don't you watch the news?!"
Before I could answer, several of the ponies clustered around me turned their attention to the new humans, and gathered around them, clearly hoping for ear scritches. One mare, bolder than the rest, got up on her hind legs, placed her head against one of the cops' chests and wiggled her ears at him while giving him the biggest puppy-dog eyes she could. He looked down at her, while his hand began to move on its own towards her oh-so scritchible ears. Then he got ahold of himself and shook his head. She stuck out her bottom lip and poured on more of the charm, but he held fast. He took a step back and she landed on her hooves, very upset. He ignored her.
"Get this party under control, or we're hauling you in for disturbing the peace!!" With that, they both turned and left. The utter unfairness of that statement made my blood boil. I didn't ask for this! I wended my way past all the dancing ponies and those still bugging me for my attention, set the plate down and made it to the stereo, then switched it forcefully off. All stopped dead still and stared at me.
"Get. The Fuck. OUT!!"
The silence continued, as I angrily pointed to my door. Then one pony began sobbing, then another, until there was a great wail and they all started crying! Oh, jeez, NOW what am I supposed to do? I did the only thing I could think to do. "Okay! Okay, I'm sorry! But you're all too loud, and I don't want to get into trouble!" Then Fluttershy spoke to them all in their language, and they all calmed down, sniffed, then headed for my door. As they all walked out with their heads down, I felt like the world's biggest jerk.
But it had to be done.
Soon, I was left with Pinkie, Dash, and Fluttershy, and a house still festooned with party trappings. I dreaded the thought of cleanup, but as it turned out, I needn't have bothered. In a flash, the pink one dashed around the room, removing the balloons, streamers, disco ball and even the confetti. She tucked it all back into her cannon (somehow) and wheeled it out, closing the door after her. Fluttershy hopped up on the couch next to me.
"I'm sorry. We didn't mean to get you into trouble. I hope you can forgive us?" I smiled at her.
"It's okay, no real harm done. I'm sorry I hurt all your friends' feelings." She smiled back.
Then, even though I knew it was a mistake, I reached over and gave her ears a good scratch. Rainbow's eyes widened and she climbed up on the other side and gazed at me hopefully while wiggling her ears. "Why the hell not?" I said to myself and gave her what she wanted. Her eyes closed and her tongue polled out, but she managed to keep from moaning this time. They both sighed and lay down, placing their heads on my lap as I continued the scratching. I smiled and lay back, and was soon fast asleep.
When I awoke, it was morning, and my friends were nowhere in sight. I felt a pang of disappointment but reasoned it was probably for the best.
But still, I missed them.
There's a Pony In My House!
It was a week before I saw any ponies at my house again. I heard a knocking on my front door, and when I answered it, I saw the biggest pony (comparatively) I'd seen yet. She was all white, with a tiara and other golden apparel, and she was smiling at me. "Are you Carl?"
"Umm...yes. Who are you?"
"My name is Princess Celestia. But you can just call me Celestia. May I come in?"
"S-sure," I said as I stepped aside. I was amazed. Even as out of touch with the pony situation as I'd been, I recognized the name. "Have a seat anywhere." I cleared a space on the couch for her, as she sat daintily down. "Can I get you anything?"
She smirked. "A beer would be nice."
I stared at her. "Seriously?"
She cocked her head and smiled again at me. "Yes, is that so strange?"
I shook my head. "No...no I guess not. One beer coming up." As I was returning with the drinks, her horn lit up and a glow surrounded one of the cans, and it floated over to her. I stood there staring. I'd never seen their magic before, but I'd heard about it. She took a sip, then patted the space next to her.
"Please. Have a seat."
I sat down warily. I'd never been in the presence of royalty before, so I wasn't sure how I should act. I finally settled on, "So! What brings you here, your Highness?" Nailed it!
She took another dainty sip of her beer and said, "I just wanted to talk to you. Word has gotten around you have been pretty free with the ear scratches and belly rubs."
"Umm...I suppose. It's just been with Fluttershy and that other pony."
"Rainbow Dash?"
I nodded. "Yeah, that's her name. They were both pretty insistent." I looked intensely at her. "That's not a problem, is it?"
She laughed, a lovely tinkling sound. "Not at all! In fact, it's most welcome, considering we can't give them ourselves."
Something was bothering me. "It said on the news we humans are not to be doing that, because you ponies will never leave us alone if we do."
She frowned. "A vicious lie, I'm afraid. When was the last time a pony showed up at your door?"
I thought for a moment. "It's been almost a week, to be honest."
She smiled triumphantly. "There, you see? You're one of the few humans nice enough to perform that service, yet you haven't been bombarded with ponies seeking your attention."
I looked down at my drink. "Well, if you don't count that crazy party where they surrounded me, I guess that's true."
She gazed gently at me. "I did indeed hear about that. I've spoken to all the ponies involved, and I promise you, it won't happen again."
"...I didn't really mind..." I said quietly.
She cocked her head at me. "I'm sorry, what was that?"
I faced her fully. "I said, 'I didn't really mind.' The ear scritching, I mean. It was kind of fun, actually." I sighed. "And I miss Fluttershy and Rainbow."
She scootched closer and placed a hoof on my shoulder. "You really are a remarkable Human." She leaned closer. "Do you want to hear a secret?"
I nodded.
"They miss you as well," she said with a smile.
I smiled back, but it was a troubled one. "Then, why haven't they come by to see me?"
She sat back and sighed. "Fluttershy felt guilty about the party, and Rainbow Dash felt guilty about telling all those ponies about your ear scritches and belly rubs." She took another sip of her beer. "Despite how that evening ended, with them both falling asleep on your lap, they weren't sure if you were a bit angry with them." She shrugged. "We're all still a bit naive when it comes to reading Human body language."
"I see. Well, tell them I'm not mad, and I'd love to see them."
She took one last pull at her beer and stood up, then went to the door. Facing me, she lit her horn and the door began to open. "Tell them yourself," she said with another smile. There, standing next to two ponies in armor flanking my doorway, were Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash! I got up from the couch and approached them both.
"Hi. I missed you guys."
They came all the way in past Celestia and smiled. "We missed you too," said Fluttershy.
I couldn't wait another second. "How about I see to those ears?" I smirked. Fluttershy turned and translated for Dash, then they both almost bowled me over. I used both hands to give them good scratches, as they closed their eyes and leaned into my hands.
Then I looked up and saw Celestia watching us with unmistakable envy in her eyes. I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw sweat starting to form on her brow, as she bit her bottom lip, never taking her eyes off my hands. I thought to myself Why the hell not? as I watched her.
"Would you like an ear scritch, your Highness?"
She knocked the other ponies out of the way and cried, "Me dammit yes!"
