My Crazy Sex

by TheKMExperience

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Sex, Human, Anthology
Length: 7488

Things are gonna get steamy...

Sex tends to complicate relationships, whether someone is having a sultry one-night stand, a late-night rendezvous or trying to spice up a relationship. This series tells outrageous stories of ponies/humans whose sexual misadventures led to embarrassing, sometimes regrettable, situations.

P.S. Unlike it's predecessor, the OC's significant other is not crazy here, but the awkward scenarios that they get themselves into IS. Also, you must request a character that hasn't been used in MCE. Rules from MCE still apply here.

Clean folks that think they're above this insanity, BEWARE!!!

Published 2020-03-06 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-06-09 18:24:34 UTC

"Going Down" (Jack Hammer)

I'm Cherry Sweets, earth mare.

My husband Jack Hammer and I had been married for just two months, and most of that time, he'd been away on business. He'd been back for two days and he was leaving again on a red eye that night. We went to dinner and came home drunk as buck for a quickie before he had to head out. So far, marriage for us was a lot of missing each other when he was away, and then a whole lot of you-know-what when he was home.

"I've always wanted to try it in an elevator." I slurred as we waited for the elevator.

"I was thinking the same thing." Jack snickered. "Sounds kinda hot, right?"

"I-I dare you to do it."

"I dare you to do it."

"Hehe, dare accepted."

We had a 124-minute window for sex, and I planned to make the most of it. But, as the elevator opened, our blind neighbor, Cranky Doodle Donkey was there standing by.

"Good evening, sir." Jack uttered.

"Wha?" Cranky grunts.

"Good. Evening." I repeated.

"Huh? Who's there?"

"It's me, Cherry! And Jack, too!"

"Why are you shouting?!"

I was not ready for a blind guy to step outta the elevator. Wait, is it okay to say "blind" these days?

"We'll see you around." Jack nodded, escorting me inside.

"Wait, h-hold the door for me." the donkey muttered.

Honestly, did I want to wait for the hard-of-hearing blind donkey? No. Was I going to? Yes.

Because I'm not a monster.

"And don't be like those other young, spunky punks that make me wait til the elevator comes back down again." Cranky huffs.

I figured our elevator sex plans were on hold.

At least for a few minutes.

[Mins. Left for Sex: 121]

"We're already holding it, sir." I said.

There, we watched the hopeless old donkey bump into the wall and stagger further and further AWAY from the door off to who knows where.

"Cranky, where are you-"

"Ah, there we go." he sighs, pulling his mail out from his slot. "I got it."

At that rate, I was never gonna have sex again.

"Okay, here he comes-"

"Aaaaaand he drops his mail."

"Aww, no, no." I whined. "I'll get it for you."

[Mins. Left for Sex: 114]

"Ah, thank you, little missy."

"Here you go."

"Where is it?"

"She's holding it right in front of you." Jack sighs. "She placed it in your hoof. Right there, yes. Got it."

I just sulked in Jack's embrace as we both waited for the grumpy elder to reach the door tapping the wall with his walking stick.

"Alright." I said. "Roght through here. Nope, that's me you're poking. There you go. You got it?"

"I got it." Cranky nodded. "Thank you for holding the door for me."

"Hey, our pleasure..."

Finally, we were in the elevator, and we were 11 floors away from very rushed but very needed sex. Until-

SCREEEEEECH!!!

The lights flickered and the elevator stopped.

"Ugh, are you kidding me?" I groaned.

"Wha?" Cranky uttered. "What happened?"

"Looks like we got stuck." Jack said.

I couldn't believe my luck. That's what we got for being good Sa-mare-itans.

"That's a pity."

[Mins. Left for Sex: 108]

"Babe, don't mess with the buttons. You'll make it worse."

"Well, it can't get any worse." I hissed.

One thing to know about me:

Patience is not my strong suit.

"Okay, guys, everypony cover your ears." Jack said, preparing to tap the alarm button.

RIIIIIIIIING!!!

Jack picks up the emergency phone and dials the number.

"Hello." the phone answered.

"Yes, hi!" Jack hollered under the loud ringing. "Uh, we are somewhere between floor five or six!"

"Eh, it's gonna take a while to get somepony out there."

"How long?!"

"Looking at a half hour."

"C-Can you at least turn off the alarm? Okay, thank you."

Finally, the alarm stopped.

"Hang tight in there."

"Okay, thank you."

"What he say?" I asked.

"Says it's gonna take a half hour."

"Oh, don't raise the young lady's hopes now." Cranky scoffed. "This time of night, a 'half hour' means an HOUR."

At that moment, I was in a mood, but Jack knew just how to make it up to me...

If we ever got outta the elevator.

[Mins. Left for Sex: 101]

As I sat down in the corner of the elevator, Jack joined me and began......massaging my thigh.

"Are you trying to turn me on in front of an old guy?" I whispered.

"No." he chuckled. "Maybe."

"What happens if something goes wrong and we plummet to our deaths?" Cranky ponders.

".......charming." I said.

I admit, I had been a little pissy, but Jack was warming me up again. And it was becoming tougher and tougher to keep my hooves off of him.

And I figured Cranky was blind and a little hard of hearing.

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Jack whispered slyly.

[Mins. Left for Sex: 097]

Could we do this?

"Maaaaybe." I giggled. "When else are we gonna do it? You have to be at the airport, and it's a 35-minute ride. Do the math."

"Yeah, but it's crazy."

I figured if we were quiet enough, what could go wrong? You would've done the same thing. Or at least tried it.

Honestly, though, it's a lot trickier than it sounds. But once we got started in the corner...

[Mins. Left for Sex: 000]

All we had to do was stay QUIET.

"Oh, Jack." I moaned.

"Wait, shh." Jack said, halting his thrusts.

"W-What is it-"

"Shhhhhh."

For a second there, it was pretty weird. It was like he was staring right at us.

"Cherry, why is he looking at us?"

"Well, he's looking in our direction, but I don't think he's looking at us." I stated.

"No, no, no, he's looking at us. I know it, I can feel it."

"Hehe, quit your worrying and focus here. GIVE it to me good."

"Okay, you're right. You're right."

We were staying as inconspicuous as we could. Jack was delicately pounding me like there was no tomorrow and I was loving every minute of it. However, it really wasn't working out like we planned when Cranky ends up idly tapping Jack's shoulder.

"Don't move, don't move." he gulped as the donkey continued to poke him.

"Did.....did I hit somepony?" Cranky calls out.

"Uh......yep, that's me, Jack."

"Oh, my apologies."

"No, you're good, dude." Jack grunted as he adjusts himself. "Happens to the best of us."

Cranky didn't suspect a thing.

I've never been one for public sex, but I gotta tell ya, the danger of it was pretty arousing.

"Oh, yeah." Jack pants. "I-I'm gonna.....Cherry, I'm gonna-"

"Mmmmh.....J-Jack, I......ughhhhh, it's so good!"

"Huh? What's happening?" Cranky slurred.

"O-Oh, uh, I-I'm just trying some taffy Jack had." I stuttered. "It's really good."

"Eh, not much a fan of taffy. Messes with my gums, you see."

It was by far the most insane thing I have EVER done in my whole life. And it was amazing. And there, as we were recovering from our shamelessly naughty little deed in each other's tender embrace-

WHIRRRRRR!!!

"Oh, finally!" I exclaimed.

The elevator started up and on the other side of the open doors were the fire stallions armed and ready.

"Alright, ponies, come on out." one of them said. "You'll have to take the stairs the rest of the way."

"Fine by me." Jack laughed. "Thanks for getting us out, guys."

"Cranky. Doodle. Donkey."

There with the fire stallions was Matilda, Cranky's clearly irritated wife.

"Uh, Cranky, the doors are open." I stated.

"Say, huh?" he muttered.

"They opened the door. Your wife's here."

"Cranky, that is not funny." Matilda snorts. "I've been looking all over for you! Cherry, Jack, I am so sorry."

That's when we started to realize.

"He says that ponies give him free stuff when they THINK he's blind!" she continued.

Matilda yanked the glasses off, revealing the smug look on the cheeky geezer's face.

We had just given an old donkey a free show.

"Much better than my shows." the donkey chortles. "Much better."

And this might sound weird, but it wasn't my finest performance.

"Uh.....yeah, that was.......that was bad." Jack cleared his throat.

I took the stairs for the next few weeks.

All 11 flights.

Cranky invited her and Jack for Hearth's Warming that year, but they declined.

Too soon...

Author's Note

The role of Cherry Sweets: Mutter_Butter

Old Folk's Home (Sandbar)

My name's Alice, independent human woman of Equestria.

When I finally left home, I realized having my own place wasn't all that different.

"Hey, you are home."

"Hi, sis."

My sister, Hazel still didn't knock and was still coming into my apartment uninvited.

"You can't be that lazy, Al." she chimed.

Oh, and yes, my sister always sounds like she's auditioning for a tampon commercial.

"On Tuesdays, I can." I shrugged. "It's my one day off without classes or work, and today I made a vow to stay on the couch unless one, I needed to go to the bathroom, and two, if Channing Tatum calls and tells me he loves me and is coming over to shower."

"Pffft, we gotta get going." Hazel scoffed.

"Where?"

"We're going to see Grandma."

"Ha ha ha ha........no. We're not."

Hazel seemed to think that being older meant that she could boss me around...

Forever.

"Yes. We are." she nodded.

Tampon commercial, right?

"I get why you should go. You've gotta keep your kids in her will." I said. I just don't understand why mom and dad insist that I go. I mean, if I go, I'm just gonna get berated the whole time."

"It's not that bad."

"Says the golden child with the perfect husband, the perfect kids, and the perfect Grandma-approved life."

My grandma meant well, but her ideas were a little old fashioned, which meant that at 26, I was supposed to be a mother of THREE and not focusing on my career.

"Come on, let's go, Ally."

I do have respect for my elders, but why can't I respect them from my couch?

My grandma lived in one of those active communities where all these old folks/ponies have too much energy. It just added to the anxiety of seeing her.

"Hi, Grams."

"Oh, Hazel." Grams cooed, pulling her into a tight embrace. "Sweetheart, how good to see you. And Alice, hi."

"Hey, Grams." I said, hugging her.

"I-Is that how we're wearing our hair these days?"

"Uh......yeah, I could get it cut, I guess."

And there it was, a typical comment from my less-than-subtle grandmother. And that's why I didn't visit.

"So, Hazel, how're the boys?" Grams asked.

"Oh, they're boys, constantly getting into everything." Hazel snickered. "I feel like I need a frequent customer punch card at the emergency room. I'm there so much."

"And how's your man?"

"Oh, he sends his love. He's sorry he couldn't come today, but he's coaching the boys' basketball team."

I really love my sister, but her life was just so perfect, it made me wanna puke.

"Alice, what are you up to, dear?" Grams said.

"I'm good, I've been busy with school and working both my jobs, but I'm taking some time off to prepare for finals." I stated.

"Mm, in other words, not dating anyone yet, huh?"

And suddenly we were off again. She got down to the only thing she thought was important:

My chronic singleness.

"Just been busy with the whole planning my future thing." I sighed.

"Well, I hope your future has a nice man in it, dear." Grams giggled. "If he doesn't die of old age before you have a chance to meet him. You know, a girl her age, she really needs to stop entertaining this never ending parade of guys with no future prospects."

"S-Still here, Grams."

"Ally's been working full-time, on top of a full course load, Grams." Hazel said. "We've all been impressed with her."

"She needs to settle down and find someone to take care of her."

"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you."

I was focused on being a strong, successful woman. I was too busy and too tired to think about guys.

"Hey there, ladies."

"Sandbar, you're here." Grams chimed. My knight in shining armor. This is Sandbar, my nurse. These are my granddaughters."

"You must be Hazel." the stallion uttered. "And you are.........Alice?"

"Y-Yes, nice to meet you." I stuttered.

Damn, one look at her nurse had me thinking, "How soon can I move in here?"

"Well, your grandmother just loves talking about both of you." Sandbar laughed. "Oh, I've got your pills here."

Suddenly, I could see myself visiting grandma a little more often.

"It was very nice of you two ladies to come visit, I know it means alot to this little missy."

I don't know what it was, but I just couldn't leave it at that.

"I-It's not like I have a boyfriend or something else that demands alot of my time." I shrugged. "In fact, I'm not even currently seeing anyone. Makes the house really lonely sometimes."

That sounded so much better in my head...

"O.....kay." Sandbar uttered.

"I-I mean, just with, like, school and work and making time for family, it's all about priorities."

"Oh, I couldn't agree more."

"Yeah..."

We had a total connection. I felt it, he felt it...

And.....my grandma felt it.

"Sandy, don't you have to check on some other residents?" Grams asked.

"Ah, yeah, I should go." he said, trotting out the door with his cart of medication.

"Heavens, girl, you're about as obvious as a heart attack."

I didn't know what Grams' deal was. One minute, she wanted me married. The next minute, she was cockblocking me! But I wasn't gonna give up. Later, after the visit, I caught up to Sandbar.

"Oh, 'sup, Alice."

"Hey, I-I feel like I came off as a total weirdo back there."

"It's okay." he chuckled.

"And I don't know why my grandma suddenly turned on me either, I-"

"I'm sure she just didn't wanna lose any time with you gals."

"Yeah.....maybe, heh."

Oh, my God, he was making me SO awkward. It was like I'd never spoken to a guy before.

"S-So, you here every day?"

"Yeah, but Tuesdays are my light days. There's always a field trip, so I get more time to myself."

"Well, maybe I'll just have to start.....visiting my grandma on Tuesdays then."

"Oh, I'm.......sure she'd like that."

"Mmhmm...cool."

"I'll see ya."

The following Tuesday could not come fast enough.

"Hey, Grams."

"Oh, Alice, what are you doing here?"

"Can't a girl come see her grandmother?"

"Well, of course she can."

I'd been sitting for exactly four seconds when-

"Hi, Sandbar." I waved.

"Hey there." he chimed, sitting at our table.

Sandbar had a way of making those scrubs look so good, and that's not easy to do. Anyways, I started going every Tuesday. And each time.......I'd up my game a little bit. You know, a revealing top, short skirt, the works. Then on that day, as we were all just playing cards-

"Sandy, would you mind getting my sweater?" Grams said.

"Oh, sure thing." he nodded.

"It's in my room, on my bed."

"Gotcha covered."

"Grams, what was that for?" I hissed.

"I don't like the way he was looking at you." she complained. "It's very forward. Besides, how can he take care of you? It's not like he's a doctor."

So one minute, I'm gonna die old and alone, and the next minute, a nice guy with a good job isn't good enough for me?

"Sandbar, wait up!" I huffed.

"Hey."

"What Grams did was horrible and I-"

"No, it's okay. It's all- MM."

I couldn't help it. He was so cute, and the fact that my grandma didn't approve of him made him even sexier. After that moment, I didn't miss another Tuesday. I'd swing by, say hi to Grams, stomach about four to five insults....

And then I'd meet Sandbar in the linen closet.

I admit, I'm not proud of slipping whiskey into Grams' tea during another visit, but I was just trying to get back to the linen closet.

"Yes!" I roared. "Faster! Gimme all you got!"

But each time was BETTER than the last.

After a while, we got really good at being discreet.

"Ohhhhhhh!"

"Oh, Alice!" Sandbar moaned.

Or, so we thought...

"Hello, ladies." I greeted, meeting up with Grams and her gal pals.

"Ally, have you heard the latest?" Grams giggled.

"What's up?"

"Evidently, there's been some activities going on in the linen closet."

"O-Oh, i-in the linen closet? W-What kind of activities?"

"Well, naughty ones from the sounds of it. Apparently, the woman is quite a squealer."

"She must be for Pear Butter to have heard it!" one of Grams' friends cackled.

"W-Will you all excuse me for a sec?" I gulped.

Wouldn't THAT be something to see on an employment file:

"Caught having sex with resident's granddaughter."

So, I met up with Sandbar at our usual spot and I told him everything. The smart thing would have been to get outta there, immediately, with my pride and my dignity. But Sandy worrying about getting caught?

Kinda hot.

And he didn't need much persuasion...

"N-No, don't grab.........o-oh, alrighty then."

"Knew you would see it my way." I purred.

And just like that, afterwards, we finally came out...

Of the linen closet, I mean.

"Oh, shit." we winced.

There, at the end of the hallway was everyone/pony staring at us, jaws dropping.

"H-Hi, guys." I said.

I couldn't believe it. Every guy/stallion treated Sandbar like he was a hero.

Let's just say my grandma would NEVER let me live this down.

"G-Grams, I can explain."

According to her, she was so embarrassed, she left the retirement home.

And moved in with me.

Grams eventually came around to liking Sandbar again...

Just in time for the wedding.

Luckily, she found a new home.

Alice and Sandbar visited her separately. And on separate days.

Author's Note

The role of Alice: Bronycommander.

Game Night (Juniper Montage)

I'm Mojo Kitsune, your typical human guy.

"What do you think, hon? We swore we wouldn't live in the 'burbs."

Juniper Montage and I spent three years living out of my parents' house saving up for a house of our own and now it looked like we finally had it, mostly.

"I'd rather live in the hood if it meant getting outta your folks' house, so..."

I couldn't be mad at her for saying that. My parents were total nightmares, and she never complained.

"I think I can make it up to you." I snickered.

"Oh, yeah?" she giggled, pulling me into a kiss.

"Think there's some rooms that need consecrating."

"And we're gonna do it. In every. Single. One of them."

I was mostly just thrilled that I can finally have sex with my pony wife wherever and whenever we wanted without her parents walking through the door at the worst possible times.

"Mm, look at you being the king of your house." June chimed as we made out on the moving boxes.

We were finally free to be newlyweds...

So I thought.

"M-Mo, there's a mare in our yard." June stated.

She was just.......staring at us. And not like, 'Oops, didn't mean to see that'. More like, 'Hey, can I join in?'.

"Hello, my new neighbors!" she greeted cheerfully.

"Uh, hi." I waved.

"I'm Bumblesweet. You two look much younger and yummier than I expected."

She really said that.

'Yummy'.

Weird, right? It's not just me?

"H-Hey, I'm Juniper. And this is my husband, Mojo. We were just-"

"Heh, I know exactly what you two were doing, my new, naughty neighbors." Bumblesweet scoffed. "I see everything."

"Okay.....?" I uttered.

"Well, I just wanted to come by and welcome you to the neighborhood with this gift basket."

"Oh, thank you there." June hummed.

I swear to God, Bumblesweet grabbed June and sniffed her. Like a cat in heat about to mark her territory.

"Well, you two keep unpacking." Bumblesweet nodded. "The sun sets at 6:31, and these boxes need to be off this yard."

"What?" I said.

"HOA rule 17C, amendment three: no packaged items left unattended in the yard."

We'd finally gotten away from my parents' house and their stupid rules, and now this lady shows up. Plus, that rule made very little sense.

"A-According to who?"

"According to the HOA president, and that's me. Rules are rules."

And just when I thought the situation couldn't get any stranger...

"So, when you guys are finished unpacking, you really need to come over to my legendary game night. It's a blast of a night full of fun and debauchery. All the couples come over."

She actually said that.

'Fun and debauchery'.

"Who doesn't like games?" June scoffed.

"Great." Bumblesweet chimed. "See you soon."

I thought I knew what she meant.

I didn't.

Anyways, it was our first house, so I wanted everything to be perfect. But, my 'height-challenged' wife begged me to install a new door.

"Aww, June, I've never replaced a door." I whined.

"Well, 'TooYube' it, or something, 'cuz I need to see who's at the door." she sighed.

"Or......"

"Hehe, no, Mo. Replace the door first, and then we can break in any room you want."

What a cock tease...

"Urgh, it's so heavy."

"I got it, watch your hooves."

"Yay, I can see through the door!" June gasped playfully.

"You're missing the HOA president's approval to replace the front door."

Bucking Bumblesweet...

"Excuse me?" I said.

"Rule C15, amendment three: any changes done to the exterior of your home or yard must be requested in writing first for approval by me."

"Seriously?" June groaned.

"Rules are rules."

"But I can't see through the door."

"There's the greatest little shop in town that sells the cutest little high heel boots."

I didn't know if she was ripping on June's boots or ripping on her height.

Either way, not cool.

I remember thinking "What am I gonna have to do to get this friggin mare off my back?" I'm ashamed to say it, but I pretty much became obsessed with not letting Bumblesweet get the best of us.

"Here, one HOA application." I said, handing the paper to June. "You go deliver it to her personally."

I couldn't focus on anything else, not even sex. I was an insane person.

I know that now.

I had hand-delivered the lamb to the lion. And all I was thinking about was getting my damn door. The next day, I got my answer taped to the door.

"Girl is like a ninja out there, June."

"Who?"

"Bumblesweet just dropped off our HOA approval- DENIED?!"

I wasn't gonna let this strict hoe tell me what I could or couldn't do in my own house.

"Uh, Bumblesweet, the HOA denied our approval to change out our door."

"Now, Mojo, transitions can be frustrating." she stated. "You just need some time to relax. Why don't you and Juniper come over for game night on Saturday? It'll be fun!"

Clearly, this broad was on a power trip. And if playing games with the president of CrazyTown was gonna get me my front door, then fine.

I told myself if I could get through this night without being arrested for murder, I'd be golden.

"Everyone, this is Juniper and Mojo!"

At first, everyone seemed pretty normal.

"Now, let's get you two lubed up with my famous mai tai." a stallion greeted us.

I said 'At first'. They started saying things like "I can't wait to play with you." or "You two like to mix it up, or just watch?"

"Mix it up?" June scoffed. "Yeah, spectating's for posers."

Poor June. She was completely clueless about what we'd walked into.

"I think we're at a swingers party." I whispered in her ear.

"No way." she said.

"Look at the game."

"XXX: All Out Exposure"

"Uh.......oh..."

"Alright, everybody, it's time for sexy blocks!"

We were participating in a suburban geriatric sex party. At that point, I figured we just needed to ride it out til the end of the night. At least I'd get my door.

No harm, right?

"Ooh, June, you first." a mare chimed.

She picked up a card, and her face froze.

"H-Hon, what does it say?" I gulped.

"'Tear off the shirt of the person/pony to your right'." she read. "I have to do this?"

"Rules are rules." everyone stated.

She put the card down and turned to face the person to her right:

Me.

"B-But I like this shirt-"

RIP!!!

The room filled with ooh's and ah's as everybody saw my bare chest.

Things got.......pretty ugly...

"Ooooooooh, Misty, it says remove your top!"

REALLY fast. We let things go alot further than we ever imagined, all for a friggin' door.

"Okay.......'group spanking'!" Bumblesweet cheers.

It was time to get the hell outta there.

"H-Hey, listen, we gotta go." I said. "W-We got.......church in the morning."

"I got a priest costume in my suitcase!" a stallion stated.

It was one of the strangest nights of my life.

After game night, we resubmitted Bumblesweet's stupid form and waited for a week.

Aaaaaand DENIED.

"No, no, I'm not gonna lose to her. She's a crazy lady." I huffed. "We're going back over there."

What the hell did we have to do? We went to her dumb game night, humiliated ourselves, jumped through her ridiculous leather-bound hoops, so she OWED us that approval.

"Go easy on her, Mo."

"No promises-"

And there Freakazoid stood, ball gag and all.

NOT making that up.

"What a surprise!" she gasped, removing the accessory. "Didn't expect to see you two here. You didn't get the latex memo?"

And I had almost forgotten it's Saturday night........game night.

"We're not here to play games." I stated. "Okay, do you have something against us?"

"You're fiery, fun and young. What is there not to like?" Bumblesweet snickered.

"Then what'll it take to get this approval from you?"

"Honey, it's simple. Stay for game night tonight, and don't go home early."

"That is blackmail." June huffed.

"Rules. Are. Rules."

I admit, I was a little clueless. I really didn't realize how crazy this lady was. It wasn't about the door anymore, probably hadn't been for a long time. This was between Bumblesweet and me. And June?

Well, she was just the innocent bystander...

That gets SMASHED between two speeding trains.

"Welcome to the party, kids!"

This lady had a sex dungeon, and I couldn't get my damn door.

"Time for 20 sexy questions!"

"I'm going last this time." I nodded.

"Lyra," a mare uttered, reading a card. "Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?"

"In a boat." she stated. "During a boat show."

"Oooooooooh!" everyone howled.

"Oh, SPANK card!" Bumblesweet chimed. "But somepony else chooses who I spank. Alright.........Mojo, you choose."

Then, it hit me. I knew how we were gonna get that door.

"Who would you like to see me spank?"

Since the day we met her, she seemed to only want one thing.

"I choose.........June."

"What?!" June exclaimed.

"Well, get over here, little missy." Bumblesweet snickered.

"No, no, I'm good."

"You heard her, get over there." I said.

So........yeah, I guess I sold my wife's ass.

For a door.

"Damn it." she whined. "Please be gentle, please be- OW! That's not gentle!"

"Come on, honey, take it for me."

"Mo, I don't wanna take it! I don't wanna take- OUCH!"

I'm not proud of what I did, but we survived the night unscathed.

Mostly.

I went outside and saw a note on the door as Bumblesweet left the yard.

"Good morning, sex kitten." she winked. "Have a good day."

In the end, I got my new door.

I truly believe that the entire experience brought Juniper and I closer together.

"There you go." June sighed, laying faced down in bed. "Happy now?"

"Eeyup."

"Good, that makes one of us."

"Hey, babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Think we could get the HOA to approve a new deck?"

"Ughhhhhhhhh."

A new deck sounded nice, I'm sorry...

Juniper recovered before Mojo put that application in.

He bought her a pair of baggy pants and sent her over.

They got approved.

They eventually moved out of "FreakyTown".

Author's Note

The role of Mojo: MoJoK20X.

Masquerade (Adagio Dazzle)

I'm Shadow Dancer, human male and lover of movies.

"Hey, babe."

"Hey, you."

My marefriend Adagio and I had just moved in together.

"Oh, Shadow, that outfit doesn't scream 'you'." she winced.

That was her nice way of saying, "I hate your entire wardrobe." I heard of that nonsense in a book about building relationships.

"Look, you need a little shopping, and I need to help, so......please?"

For me, clothes are just a reason not to get arrested for indecent exposure when I leave the house.

"Never gonna happen." I sighed.

She tried though. She's been trying to slowly chip away at me. In her words:

"Ryan Gosling wasn't built in a day."

"TV?" she asked.

"Let me guess." I said. "Some incredibly elaborate historical drama where everyone dies?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Because it totally turns you on."

"It does not. That's not true."

"We literally have sex after every episode of that stuff."

"We do?"

Adagio's always been aware that she felt like she was born a few hundred years too late.

"Babe, I'm not complaining, but we do." I continued. "You have a 'Ye Olde' Era fetish thing goin' on here."

"Mm. Methinks thou may be right." Adagio purrs.

"Methinks thou should come hither and lay thy lips upon me."

"Thou should get naked."

Yeah, she clearly had a little problem.

But I didn't mind.

The next day, I approached Adagio during one of her workouts to fill her in on what I found in the mail.

"Shad, what's up?"

"I don't wanna interfere, but my friend and his girl are throwing a fancy dress up party." I stated.

"Cool." Adagio panted, doing her situps.

"Babe, you don't understand. It's a fancy dress up party."

"Yeah, you said that."

"Yeah, with masks and old timey wigs."

"Ohh, okay, I'm listening."

"It's your perfect night out. Old vintage fashion, everypony reenacting all Shakespearean-y and stuff-"

"W-Wait, will stallions be in tights?"

"...maybe. I've never been to one of these before."

I was her knight in shining armor.

At least, she was gonna make sure I was whether I liked it or not.

"So, what do you think it'll be like?"

"No idea, Dazz."

There's something about the anonymity about putting on a costume that lets you behave like a wilder version of yourself.

"Think I'll get jealous watching you flirt with some beautiful maiden with bountiful treasures?" Adagio giggled.

"Normally, I'd say yes." I said. "But at this party, I think it'll turn you on."

Adagio and I aren't really the jealous types. We both kind of liked the excitement of flirting a little. We knew it was just harmless fun.

"Just remember that, even if I accidentally dabble in the occa flirtation, I'll keep myself for you and you alone."

"Come on, Shad. Help me try these on, your grace."

"I'll help you try these off."

Eventually, we found Adagio the perfect dress. As for me, however, I just picked whatever Zorro/Musketeer-looking off-the-rack costume I could find in the store.

"Oh, not interested in blossoming into your authentic self, huh?"

"I'll make it work." I nodded.

"If you say so."

The next day at the party, the moment had finally arrived. I could have never predicted what was about to happen that night.

"I don't know what I was expecting," Adagio squeed. "But I'm gonna say this is the best party I will ever go to in my entire life!"

"Looks good." I said.

"So here's our game plan: One, drink. Two, dance. Three, explore."

Yeah, normally, I'd be into that, but tonight was different. My costume made me feel different. And a part of me wanted to take the new me out on a test drive.

"We don't have to be one of those couples that's, you know, always doing everything together." I shrugged. "You could go dance, I could get a drink, and then I'll meet up with you later. Sound good?"

"Good plan." she agreed.

"Alrighty then."

I don't know what got into me. I just wanted to be someone else, even if it was just for a few minutes. There was lots of fun flirting and lots of cider to go around. I was having the time of my life and so was Adagio for that matter.

"Ohhhh, look who's into costumes now." she laughed, pulling me onto the dance floor with a small group of mares. "Girls, this is my boyfriend, Shadow Dancer. Shadow Dancer, my sexy squad."

"Nice to meet you." I said. "Having a good time, babe?"

"Yeah, you know, I had fun with some mare upstairs who really wanted me. And, not gonna lie, watching you dance with those girls is kind of hot."

"Heh, I bet."

"You having a good time?"

"I just played a round of blackjack with Princess Celestia herself."

"Ooh, really? Did you get lucky?"

"Just a glance of side-flank."

"I meant, did you win any money, silly?"

"I lost 20 bits. Want something else to drink?"

"You know, I'm actually having fun dancing, but I'll come find you in a bit."

Even though we agreed to separate and have fun, I was starting to miss my princess. I figured I was gonna find her and have some together fun.

When I finally found her, she had that look that I immediately recognized when she beckoned me through a huge red curtain in the back of an unoccupied room.

"Ooh, gentle sir, surely we should wait." she panted. "There are patrons more inches from us."

For a moment, it was like we were two different individuals meeting for the first time in a dark room. She was as into it as I was.

"OHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Which, of course, made me even MORE into it.

"That was amazing." I sighed.

"I-It was..."

"I'm gonna slip out. Uh, you wait here a minute or two and then keep it classy."

It was hands down better than I could have ever imagined. And then the fantasy...

"H-Hey, Shad."

Became a NIGHTMARE. For a second there, I truly thought I'd lost my mind. Why?

There were TWO Adagio's!

I didn't know who was who! And the one that approached me made me realize...

"B-Babe, I'm sorry." she belched. "I think I drank too much."

I had sex with the wrong princess. This was not how it was supposed to go. Adagio didn't even suspect a thing, which made it even worse.

"Cider is sneaky." she giggled.

"O-Okay, let's get you home. Let's get you to bed."

"Okie dokie, let's go to beddy byeeeee."

I didn't know how I was gonna explain it to her. I had no idea what I was going to do.

Later that night as Adagio wallowed in her drunken slumber, I tried reminding myself that it was an innocent mistake, but I owed it to her to come clean.

"Hey, Dazz, wake up." I whispered. "I gotta tell you something."

"I know trolls." she slurred. "They like lasagna."

"Sweet Celestia..."

After Adagio's hangover ended, Shadow told her the truth. Overcoming it strengthened their relationship.

They eloped in Las Pegasus a few years later where Adagio wanted a costume-themed wedding.

Shadow declares it "wasn't gonna happen."

Author's Note

The role of Shadow Dancer: Who you think I am.

50 Shades of Freezing (Apple Cinnamon)

I'm Sarah, human female.

I was 23 years old and hoping to take over the restaurant where I was a waitress for about three years already.

I was also killing myself trying to finish business school. But thank God/Celestia for the generous regulars, or I probably would've starved. I was working long hours almost every night, and I was pretty much always exhausted. But I love the ponies and people that I worked with. They were like my family.

"Order up!" a stallion chimed, handing me a plate of steamed vegetables.

"Perfect," I giggled. "Like Dwayne Johnson's body."

"Mm, girl, you're just too good at your job."

Pony Joe, who was the head chef, he liked to pick on me about that. He was always telling me to spend less time at work and should spend more time going out and meeting guys.

"When you're young, you're supposed to hate your job, slack off," he joked. "Work doesn't love ya back."

"I don't miss the love," I scoffed. "I miss the sex."

I was lying through my teeth. Of course I missed the love. I hadn't dated in almost nine months...

It was all I could think about.

"Ugh, this stain is a tough one," Joe grunted, struggling to clean a messy dish. "It won't come off.

"Looks like you got a food-like facehugger on your hooves." I quipped.

"Alien," a stallion inserted enthusiastically. "Hooves down the best horror sci-fi movie ever."

"Hehe, that's common knowledge."

A guy who knows his Alien......it might be weird, but it's a turn-on for me.

"And you are...?"

"Oh, this is Apple Cinnamon," Joe stated. "Your new trainee!"

"Wait, what? I don't have time to train anyone!"

"If you can give freebies to your old coltfriend, then I get to take the best server in the house and put her on a training mission."

The smug stallion patted me on the back before returning to his duties, leaving me alone with my "trainee".

"I like the way you think," AC said. "And you have......straight teeth?"

"You don't have to suck up to me, slick." I laughed. "Come on, keep up."

I was trying to keep it professional. I literally had zero time for a relationship. But I would be lying if I said the friends-with-benefits thing didn't cross my mind, like, you know, in the first 12.5 seconds.

"When I open my own restaurant," he uttered, trying to strap an apron on. "I'm gonna make sure and comp all my regulars with free drinks.

"I want to open my own restaurant too." I gasped playfully. "Oi, let me help you with that. You're over-complicating things."

As soon as I touched him, there was this serious physical attraction.

I felt it, he felt it.

"I'll just tie it in front, and then you can turn it around..."

And then I really felt...IT.

"Oops! Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

It was a total accident, but, yeah, I-I kinda felt him up. For trying to keep it professional, I was failing miserably. So I was moving towards the LEAST sexual thing that I could think of...

"When we first come to our shift, first prep the lemons," I said, demonstrating for AC. "Cut it in half, then cut each half into three slices. Not rocket science."

Or so I thought.

As he slices into the lemon, some juice shot out and hit me in the eye.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." he winced, grabbing a towel and wiping my burning eye up close and personal.

Great, he was sweet and considerate too. But that angel on my shoulder kept reminding me, "stay focused, slow it down, no time for men/stallions."

But Cinnamon was really starting to wear me down.

Later that day, Joe slides in two dishes and I grabbed some of them beside Cinnamon and we exchanged long looks.

"You...wanna take it out yourself?" I asked him.

"Uh, y-yeah, sure." he nodded, taking the plates and sheepishly stepping out of the kitchen.

Yeah, as he stepped out, I kinda.....stared at his flank.

And got caught.

"Not a word, Joe." I laughed.

"I didn't say anything." the stallion snickered.

"I know you're thinking it."

"I just think you two could make some awfully cute babies."

"Wow, you're so baby-crazy right now."

"Because my biological clock is ticking!"

"Well, Joey, you're clock-blocking me with those crazy eyes of yours."

"Sweetie wants dessert." AC stated.

"Oh, they're in the freezer, follow me."

I led him to the freezer and stepped inside looking for the frozen dessert section as AC trots in as well. A low creak catches my attention and before I knew it, I caught myself diving for the door and sliding a brick in between it before it could close.

"Whoa, what is it?" Cinnamon asked, startled.

"This door closes automatically." I panted.

So there was an incident where a prep cook got trapped inside the freezer overnight. He survived, barely. So, to avoid another lawsuit...

"This here is the emergency button, but it's super loud. Make sure you don't get locked in accidentally."

"Gotcha. Gosh, this freezer is bigger than my room. It's HUGE."

"That's what she said..." I chuckled. "Oops, my bad, was that sexual harassment?"

"Not really, it's not sexual harassment if it's not welcome."

"Heh, well listen, Romeo, this is a professional establishment, and this professional girl is off-limits. And you better accept it."

"For now." he shrugged slyly, strolling past me. "I'm the yin to your yang."

"Ha, we'll see about that."

To be honest, he was right. I was definitely his yang...

"Hot and juicy sticks of cheese," Joe chimed. "There you go, baby girl."

As I grabbed the dish, I turned and bumped right into AC, spilling marinara sauce all over his white work shirt.

"Oi, I am so sorry there!" I winced, rigorously trying to wipe the large stain off.

"I think it's a lost cause, Sarah, heh." he said.

"We keep spare shirts in the back. "I'll grab you one, don't worry."

It was a rookie mistake. But as it turns out, that spill was gonna lead to a major turning point with Cinnamon.

"Here's your shirt, Cinna-"

A six-pack is not even the right word for it.

"O-Oh......um...here. Goodbye...keep up the good work."

"...thank you."

I'd have to say that his abs got to me. Once I threw some cold water on my face, I told him to meet me out back.

We needed to have a serious talk...

*Mwah!*

That talk kinda never happened. At least we were discreet. Or so I thought...

Later on, it was around closing time and we were all cleaning up after a mare's birthday party. As tradition for a pre-closing time party, all of us would drink a bit from the bar.

"I'm done cookin' and I need champagne," Joe sighs, yanking off his apron. "Somepony please take the chicken broth to the freezer for me."

"I got it," I waved before heading toward the kitchen. "Cinnamon, help me out?"

With sneaky grins, we quickly slipped into the freezer. Now, honestly, I had only intended to make out with him for a bit...

But it only turned out to be a little more than that.

"COME ON, CINNY! GIMME ALL YOU GOT!!! AHH! AHH!"

Okay, ALOT more than that.

*SHATTER*
*THUD*
*SHING*

We were so lost in the moment, I don't think we even realized that we were trashing the place. We were probably violating every health and food safety code known to man/pony. It was, hands down, the hottest sex I've ever had.

Even though it was about 20 degrees.

"Whoo!" I giggled. "It's getting cold now."

"No kidding." AC panted.

And just like that, we froze...

Like, literally.

I guess we got lost in the thick of it. With all the rattling and banging around, we didn't realize two things.

A.) The chicken broth fell and soaked up our clothes.

2.) We forgot rule #1.

Eeyup, the freezer door was shut.

"Oh, no!" I panicked. "Our clothes are frozen!"

I didn't know what was worse: freezing to death, or being found naked in the freezer.

"Look, no big deal," AC stated, heading towards a wall.

"Hey, stop, what are you doing?"

"Well, I'm hitting the buzzer."

"T-There's gotta be another way."

"There isn't."

Unfortunately, Cinnamon was right. Parts of his body were already turning BLUE.

"Ughhh, okay, fine." I whined. "One. Two..."

BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEP!!!

My heart was racing and the cringe meter was going off the charts as we braced ourselves for Embarrassment City.

"Ha, I buckin' knew it!" Joe cackled upon opening the door. "Pay up, fellas! I called it!"

So, yeah. Cinny and I made it public, alright.

Needless to say, that was our last day working at Olive Greenhouse.

A few years later, Sarah and Apple Cinnamon are married and running their own restaurant.

Their freezer door doesn't have a lock on it, but it does have a camera.

Author's Note

The role of Sarah: Forgetful

Surprise, watermelon lady! Just for you! :3