Material Spirit

by vicunakisses

Rating: teen
Tags: Adagio Dazzle, Suicide / Self Harm, Slice of Life, Sonata Dusk, Sunset Shimmer, Dazzlings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze
Length: 3736

Inspiration can come from unexpected places, especially when you're as depressed as Adagio.

Inspiration can come from strange places, especially when you're as depressed as Adagio. At this point, she'll celebrate her victories, no matter how small or how shallow they may seem. Even a little trip to the mall could help.

Contains: self-deprecating talk, depressive habits, slight suicidal thoughts

Published 2020-03-09 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-09 02:50:01 UTC

Is this who you truly are?

Adagio woke to the sound of her stomach rumbling. With a shaky hand she reached for her phone next to her pillow and tapped the screen, smudged by her own fingerprints.

4:09 PM. She sighed, realizing she had slept through the majority of the day again. Her stomach growled a second time.

Pushing the sheets off of her head, Adagio cringed as the cool air hit her sweaty face. Turning toward her night stand, she picked up her glass of lukewarm water and took a few gulps. Water dribbled out onto her shirt. She made no attempt to wipe it.

Her stomach turned with a gurgle, perhaps roused by the water, or recoiling from it not being food.

Eat something, dummy. You won’t be able to get anything else done if you don’t eat.

Adagio then mustered up her strength and reached for the box of oyster crackers standing on the floor by her bed. She popped open and ate a couple handfuls of the contents, which she decided would make up for missing both breakfast and lunch.

After tossing the box back onto the floor, she took another gulp of water and sighed as she felt her eyes begin to droop, and the bones in her neck make a small popping noise. She lay back down on her pillow and tried to forget about the fact that her hair desperately needed to be brushed.

You’re filthy. You’re so pathetic.

Shutting her eyes, she tried to remember if today was Wednesday or Thursday.

Outside of her door, she could hear her sisters chattering and thumping up and down the hallway of their apartment.

Adagio didn't bother to try following the conversation, but from the tone being thrown back and forth, she guessed it was Sonata bugging Aria to do something. Not unusual.

Nearly every day started this way for Adagio. Wake up, eat something stashed in her room, look at the ceiling, hear her sisters outside, and inevitably be reminded that she was...

Stuck.

Sure, she knew she could wake up earlier, go outside and do something, but not one muscle in her body would agree. Her eyes would refuse to open up all the way. The sweat on her face felt like a dirty sheet of plastic that kept her trapped in her bed.

This was all normal now.

This was her life after losing her amulet. The woman she truly was without her siren magic. A hollow, useless weakling long drained of dazzle.

This is the real you. Without the smoke and mirrors.

She envied and respected her younger sisters for moving on, for finding purpose and motivation. For retaining an identity without dark magic to command their every decision.

Adagio let the tears roll down her face and cursed her futility.

Her inability to get up and see the sun. Her naivety for not realizing how much of herself was intertwined with the powers she once had. The pathetic haze of simply existing.

It’s all downhill from here. This is your life as a human.

All Adagio could do was sleep. She didn't even dream anymore. Even if she had something to dream about, her brain would never have the energy.

A knock came at her door, and a tentative Sonata spoke.

"Dagi? You up?"

Adagio took a deep breath. "Yeah," she sighed.

"Uh, do you um, want to come with us to the mall?"

Adagio furrowed her brow. "Why?"

"Cause Aria like, got paid today and she has a lot of extra money this time!" chirped the youngest Dazzling.

Hmm. Maybe being somewhere besides her bed would help her feel a little refreshed. Oh please, you’ll tire out halfway through and come home with nothing.

"Maybe..."

"Oh..." Sonata replied softly. She sounded disheartened.

Great, you made your little sister sad.

"I'd have to shower first."
"We're gonna go in an hour, you can do it that fast, right?"

"I doubt it, Sonata."

You’re such an asshole. She looks up to you, wants to spend time with you, and you say no.

"Okay..." Sonata breathed. She left Adagio's door.

Adagio stared at the ceiling, thoughts tumbling. You’re a terrible sister. You failed them. They pity you. You’re not worthy of their love anymore.

Light suddenly filled the room and a pillow was rudely slammed into Adagio's face.

"Okay, get up!" Aria snapped.

Adagio, not taking kindly to the intrusion, threw the pillow to the side and sat up. "What the hell was that for!?"

Aria was standing in the doorway, arms crossed and scowling. "Go shower and get dressed, you're coming to the mall with us!" Aria said with a snarl in her voice.

"Just go with Sonata," Adagio grumbled as she pulled her covers back over her head.

"Nuh-uh. You're coming too." Aria yanked the covers off Adagio.

Adagio winced. "I'm tired."

"You've been in bed the whole day!"

"My hair is too gross."

"Wash it then! You are not skipping out on me."

"I have nothing to wear."

"Then come with us and buy some new shit to wear!" Aria shouted, before reaching over and turning on Adagio's desk light. More light hit Adagio's face and seeped through her eyelids.

"I'm sick of you moping around like this. It's not good for you, it's not good for me, and it's not good for Sonata. You're making her all worried and shit. She doesn't need that."

Adagio opened her eyes.

It’s not like you can fix years of being a shitty sister to her.

"We all gotta be doing stuff, Adagio. We still gotta live, we gotta be humans, our only other option is to die like a goldfish in a toilet. I honestly don't care what you do with your life, but just lying there day after day is sad."

She’s right. You’ll never get better.

"If you won't do it for yourself, do it for Sonata an' me. Give us some impression that you still have a life."

You at least owe them that. They’ve seen the real you.

"Alright, fine. Just get out of my room and I'll be ready in a bit," said Adagio as she sat up again. She felt a tendon in her neck throb.

"Okay," said Aria, turning to leave. She paused at the door and looked over her shoulder. "Thank you, Adagio," Aria said under her breath.

"You're welcome," Adagio mumbled before Aria shut the door.

You don't deserve their patience, you know. Be grateful they haven't given up on you yet. They should, though. Think about how much happier they would be if-

Adagio huffed, and stood up out of bed. “Shower… think about showering… where’s my bath sponge…” She whispered to no one.

She stepped out into the living room to find Sonata and Aria dressed as if they were headed to a concert. Sonata wore bright blues and pinks, her arms covered in bracelets and her nails painted. Aria had opted for black and dark purples with contrasting greens and flashy silver chains.

Sonata looked like she was about to speak, but she kept her mouth closed.

Adagio felt a bit modest in her jeans and baseball tee. She hadn't even worn her signature headband, instead putting her hair up in a ponytail to hide the fact that it was still wet. That had been to save time, for simply blow-drying and fluffing it up would have taken half the hour.

Nuh-uh, It’s really because you’re a lazy-

"Alright let's head out," said Aria. She whispered something to Sonata before unlocking the door, and Sonata glanced back at Adagio a second time before following her sister outside.

The mall was, as usual, an overload to the senses. The scents of floor polish, cinnamon rolls, perfume, sports equipment, and many others collided and formed what Sonata fondly referred to as "mall smell".

It didn't bother Adagio quite as much as the sounds of the mall. People chatting, children goofing around, music blasting from store to store, and all of it amplified by the enormous hollow building. Hearing herself think wasn’t easy.

Then again, the last thing she needed was to be alone with her thoughts.

Her hand was suddenly grabbed by an excited Sonata. “Hey, hey Aria! Can we get one of those giant cinnamon buns? I’ll share it this time!”

Aria raised an eyebrow. “You promise not to wolf it all down in thirty seconds?”

Sonata pouted and pulled Adagio closer to her side. “Yeeeeeees, I promise!”

“Okay. We’ll get one then.” Aria, being the one with the money, took the lead. Adagio didn’t want to bother with trying to wrestle away the control today.

As usual, Sonata hadn’t reached for any of the napkins Adagio had set on the table for the three of them, instead opting to lick her fingers clean of the sticky sugary glaze and cinnamon filling. It didn’t disgust Adagio as much as when her little sister would unwittingly get it on her face and neglect to wipe it off.

Adagio put the plastic fork that she used to eat her third of the cinnamon bun in her mouth and chewed on one of the prongs. Now that she had something other than oyster crackers in her stomach, she felt herself perk up a bit.

Aria set her phone down and looked across the table at where Adagio was sitting.

"So, where do ya want to go?"

"Hmm?" Adagio pulled the fork out of her mouth and looked at Aria.

"I said, 'Where did you want to go?' I know you hate that place that sells overpriced hats, but honestly I don't think a blue snapback would look too bad on y-"

"Aria, what are you talking about?" Adagio asked, setting her fork down.

"You need new clothes, right?"

"I…” Adagio remembered Aria mentioning new clothes earlier, but she hadn’t thought her sister was serious.

Aria groaned and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “Ugh… I’m offering to buy you some new clothes, Daj. Do you want them or not?”

“I… yes. Yes I want some new clothes.”

“Alright then,” Aria picked her phone back up.

New clothes, huh? You don’t deserve them. She pities you so much. But you won’t be turning them down, now will you?

“Where did you want to go, then?” said Aria. “That way I’ll get an idea of how much I’m spending.”

Adagio said the first thing that popped into her head.

"Bushel's."

Aria smiled a little bit, and then pocketed her phone. "Bushel's it is then."

Bushel's was one of the larger clothing department stores in this mall. Nothing fancy, but it had some solid variety and thankfully for Adagio, it was easy to get lost in.

Aria had taken Sonata with her to browse around the place while Adagio looked around. If she were in a better mood, they would all be looking around together. They would be building each other's ensembles bit by bit, praising certain articles of clothing and mocking the ones that were ugly. They would be having little dare contests to try on tacky jewelry or oversized sunglasses. They would be stumbling around in the most ridiculous boots they could find, laughing at each other and picking each other up off of the floor.

Adagio twiddled a shoelace between her fingers. She felt hollow.

When was the last time you even shared a laugh with your sisters? They’re probably wondering where that version of you disappeared to.

She shook the thought from her head and began to leave the shoe aisle-

Then she saw it.

It was only the backs of their heads, but Adagio knew. She recognized the hair, the voices…

Sunset Shimmer.

With her was another of the other Rainboom pals, the one with the shiny purple hair who played the keytar and wore too much mascara. The other girl with her looked a bit like the Princess from Equestria, but Adagio didn't remember her wearing glasses or having such twiggy arms. She had to have been the Princesses' human double.

Adagio felt her chest tighten, and a familiar feeling of dread creeped up her spine. She backpedaled and ducked behind a shoe shelf, only peeking around the corner at the girls.

Sunset Shimmer. To say Adagio felt conflicted about the girl now would be an understatement. It had been years since they'd seen each other, the day Adagio and her sisters lost their last connection to Equestria in their amulets.

If she hadn't stood up and sang her verse, Adagio would still have her magic. Her sisters would still have theirs. She would have fulfilled her promise to them for power and adoration. She had every reason to dance on the grave of this human brat, for causing all the color and beauty of the world to vanish in an instant.

That’s not the only reason you despise her, you jealous little asshole. You admire her too. She succeeded where you failed. She found magic. She’s living her best life. And she’s not even a siren. If she were, you’d be her bitch.

Adagio watched, as Sunset picked out a purple jacket from a clothes hanger. It had a tall and fancy collar with gold buttons and spikes along the shoulder. Sunset turned around, facing her two companions and slipping the garment on.

It was a good look for her. Sunset’s bright smile and vibrant eyes combined with the warm, dark colors and sharp angles on the jacket were stunning. It was a look that said “I have arrived, and I’ve brought a good time with me. If you want a piece, you’ll keep your attention on me!”

As far as Adagio thought, sharing a good time and a positive energy seemed to be something humans did exceedingly well.

Sunset’s companions said something to her that Adagio hadn’t caught. Sunset responded, and then she removed the garment and put it back on the rack. She was still smiling, and Adagio thought she’d even seen a little giggle.

Look how happy she is. You’ll never be as happy as that again.

Adagio scowled.

Sunset and her friends then left the store.

They didn’t need new clothes to have fun or to forget how shitty a person they are, not like you.

Adagio felt her throat tighten.

It’s so funny, just how angry you get when someone is doing better than you-

Adagio took a quick breath, then stepped out from behind the shoe shelf.“Keep busy, look through some clothes… breathe...” She mumbled.

She busied herself, looking at different jackets. She read tags. She held up sleeves and observed their lengths. She put her hand inside a few of them and felt out their interiors. A lot of them were either too scratchy or too fleece-y. Adagio wasn’t sure what she was looking for, but not those.

Her eyes kept going back to the purple jacket that Sunset had tried on. It was almost like there was a halo on it, pulling her attention back in its direction.

“Maybe…”

She strode up to the rack the jacket hung from, finally looking at it head-on. It truly was a magnificent garment. She wondered just what had compelled Sunset to try it on in the first place. Could have been anything really.

Adagio stroked it with her fingertips. It felt like suede, soft and unmoving at once. She made a little line in the warm fabric with her fingernail. She slid her way down to one of the sharp gold spikes on the shoulder. They weren’t sharp enough to draw blood, but with a little pressure, perhaps it could tear some skin. The spikes stood proud and bright, as if displaying a warning to those who would encroach on the wearer’s personal space.

It felt a little heavy as Adagio held it in her hands.

She lifted it up to her face, and inhaled.

“Hmm...:” It had a teeny tiny trace of Sunset Shimmer’s perfume on it.

It smelled good.

Really good.

Adagio slipped the jacket on.

She fixed the collar so that it stood proud, the golden buttons shimmering brightly. Adagio felt herself smile a little bit.

Adagio looked around the store for a mirror. Spotting one, she walked over to it, feeling her smile getting bigger and bigger as her reflection got closer and closer.

For the first time since losing her amulet, that blank space in front of her neck where the jewel had rested didn’t look so bare. The jacket drew attention to her shoulders and made her look stronger, sturdier. The gold adornments stood beautifully against the dark, brooding purple and made the golden highlights of her hair lustrous once more.

Oh wow, a fancy jacket is really the only thing that can boost your mood? You really are a shallow, little-

“Hmph!” Adagio huffed, as she tossed her hair and smirked her sexy smirk into the mirror.

Happiness flickered in her stomach.

It’s probably just endorph-

Adagio spun around, smiling harder and walking toward the sales counter with her new favorite jacket.

“So if I touched those spikes, would I start bleeding?” Sonata piped up.

“You could try, but I’d rather not stain it the same day I get it,” said Adagio. “And you would be the one to clean it.”

“Heh, alrighty then,” Sonata said as she sat back in her seat. “Ooh, you wanna see the stuff I got at Clear Sky’s?” She reached into the pink plastic bag on the floor of the van.

“Sonata I swear if you turn on that light while I’m driving…” came Aria’s voice from the front.

“Oh fine…” Sonata pouted. She turned back toward Adagio and held up a little blue dragon plushie. “Touch it! It’s super soft!”

Adagio smiled, then reached out to pat the stuffed animal on the head. She was right, the glittery fabric was silky under her fingertips. “It’s very cute, Sonata.”

“Also when I squeeze her claw, her eyes light up!”

“Sonata, I mean it!” Aria growled.

Sonata stuck out her tongue in Aria’s direction, then turned back to Adagio and said in a whisper, “I’ll show you when we get home!”

“Thank you, Sonata,” Adagio replied.

The silence of a house relaxing was much different than the bustling mall. Adagio felt strangely serene, curled up on the couch in the living room rather than her bed. She hoped she’d still feel this way in the morning.

“Hey… Adagio?”

“Hmm?” Adagio looked up from her phone.

Aria had quietly sat down opposite to her on the couch. She looked like she was having a hard time relaxing where she sat. Her eyes darted around.

“You uh… you gonna be okay?” Aria asked, looking Adagio in the eye. “You know, like… okay okay?

Adagio set her phone down on her lap. “What do you mean?”

Aria wrung her hands together. “I mean like, do you need… help? Or something?”

“Help? What are you talking about?” Adagio spoke softly and cocked her head to the side.

Aria crossed her legs and continued. “Cause, I know a few guys. They can get you some good stuff. Not to get high or anything, I mean like legit meds. Antidepressants and stuff that actually works.”

This took Adagio by surprise. She wasn’t sure how to respond. “Well... Aria, I don’t know exactly what kind I would need,” said Adagio. “I don’t even know if I am depressed.”

Aria looked at her sister head-on. “Adagio, I know you. But I also know that healthy humans don’t lie in bed the whole day and eat nothing but crackers.”

Adagio looked off to the side, clutching the sleeves of her jacket. She couldn’t argue with that.

“I just… want you to be happy, ya know? Me and Sonata care about you. And we know you aren’t happy.”

Aria gave her sister a half-smile. For her, that was truly sincere. “We wanna help you live happier, even if we’re all stuck as humans.”

Adagio sighed. “Human....” She was tired of hearing that word, but she knew Aria was right.

“I mean you don’t have to decide right now, but maybe think about it? I know it helps a lot of other humans.”

Adagio nodded. “Yeah. I understand.” She smiled at Aria.

Aria shrugged. “I know losing your magic sucked. But I also know going round and round the same things everyday isn’t gonna help.”

“Every day is the same…” Adagio echoed to herself.

Aria rested her head on her elbow. “Yeah, exactly.”

“Every day’s the same…”

“Uh, yeah…” said Aria as Adagio repeated herself.

Adagio suddenly blinked her eyes wide open. Something in her head was lighting up.

“I’ll get back to you thanks Ari!” Adagio said in a rush before jumping up and rushing toward her room.

“Uh, okay?” Aria furrowed her brow in confusion.

Adagio stood on the tips of her toes and swept dust off of her top drawer with her hand in haste. She opened the heavy wooden container and reached inside, feeling around for her long neglected notebook and glitter pen. Grabbing them, she jumped back onto her bed and flipped on her lamp.

Her hands were shaking as she cracked open the old notebook. She scribbled a few lines of the pen on the sides of the next blank page, getting the old writing instrument working after laying dormant for so long.

She began to write, her penmanship messy.

Round and round.

Going Round and round.

No. Scratch out the ‘ing’.

Go~~ing~~ Round and round.

Same things every day.

Every day is the same.

Wait, too many syllables.

Every ~~day is~~ the same.

Every day’s the same.

I lost my magic.

I lost my magic.

We lost our magic.

Wait no, keep it in present-tense for now.

Lose our magic.

Come back to that one later…

Which way do I go?

Which way do we go?

Where do we go?

Hmm…

Adagio looked down at her new jacket, smiling as the proud golden spikes twinkled.

There’s beauty in everything.

I see beauty.

I find beauty in everything.

I can find beauty in little things.

Can I find beauty in little things?

Put a star by this one. Come back to it later...

Adagio continued writing long into the night.

Author's Note

I hope that last bit made sense, thank you for reading!