You equipped for random questions?
Sunset Shimmer followed the interviewer to a room so very nondescript that it circled right back around into distinctiveness through sheer force of the effort that must have gone into making that indistinctly uninteresting. When the interviewer gestured to one of the two chairs occupying the otherwise empty space, Sunset plopped herself into it.
The chair was surprisingly comfortable.
The interviewer sat in the other chair then carefully removed a packet of paper and a ballpoint pen from the binder clip connecting them to a clipboard. With pen in hand and the papers laying on the clipboard, the interviewer said, "I am cognizant of the fact that this will probably seem like a waste of time to you. That being said, we've dealt with situations like yours many times and this is the most efficient way to return you to your world."
Sunset mentally noted the dramatic opportunity lost due to the interviewer's lack of eye wear. Truly, those statements would have been perfectly augmented by an adjustment of one's glasses. Alas and alack, that was not to be. After such rumination, Sunset said, "Your choice of verb tense and mood indicate that you expect me to believe it's a waste of time regardless of what you say, so why waste time on trying to convince me it's not a waste of time when you believe such attempts will fail?"
"First," the interviewer said, "I believe that such attempts will probably fail. I would not have used the word 'probably' were that not the case. Second, it's simply a matter of basic politeness."
"Just get this over with," Sunset said.
"Very well. Please state your name in full, include any titles that may apply, and do not leave out unused but nonetheless official portions thereof."
"Sunset Shimmer, Human of Canterlot, Unicorn of Equestria, Unfaithful former Student to Princess Celestia (that's the pony one), and part time valedictorian of Canterlot High School."
Sure, the last one was impossible for individuals other than cats in hypothetical boxes (or was that hypothetical cats which happened to be in boxes?), but Sunset figured that if the interviewer couldn't translate the words into the appropriate meaning, they lacked the insight into the functioning of CHS necessary to accomplish anything. Mind you, she figured that anyway, but that was neither here nor there.
The interviewer made several check marks then asked, "How did you end your career as pony Princess Celestia's student."
"I flounced through a magic mirror due to creative differences."
Another check mark, then the interviewer said, "Elaborate on those 'creative differences'."
"I wanted to learn and become more powerful as quickly as possible, she wanted to have touchy-feely conversations about friendship," Sunset said. "Things came to a head regarding the magic mirror I would eventually flounce through. She believed that I was ready to see it, once, but no more. No information, no resources, no second visit, no study, and certainly not any hope of an authorized second visit."
Three check marks, a flipped page, and another two check marks.
"Would you place the fault in the hooves of your former self," the interviewer asked, "or was it a case of the princess being a dickweed?"
Sunset raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
Apparently the interviewer realized Sunset didn't intend to respond, because the words, "Miss Shimmer?" were ultimately uttered in Sunset's direction.
"I raise my eyebrow--" Sunset started.
The interviewer interrupted with, "I can see that."
"--at your use of the term 'dickweed'," Sunset finished.
"Every word used in these questions was carefully chosen to maximize the--"
Sunset decided to cut off that little tangent before the purpose clause could finish.
"Whatever," she said. "It was a bit of both."
A check mark, a page turned, another check mark, several more pages turned.
"Have you ever attempted to steal a powerful magical artifact and bring it to a magic-desolate world?"
At about this point, Sunset stopped paying attention to check marks.
"Yes," she said.
"Was your theft of the artifact successful?"
"Technically yes."
"What was the name of the artifact?"
"The Element of Magic."
"Did it survive your theft?"
"Yes."
"Is it still extant?"
"Not even a little."
"By whom was it destroyed?"
"Deposed King Sombra of the Crystal Empire."
"Is he still extant?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"Elaborate."
"When last I heard Sombra was dead, dead as a door-nail. Mind, I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined--"
"I see that I will not need to ask if you're familiar with A Hearth Warming Carol."
"Yeah, we can probably skip that question."
There was a pause long enough that Sunset started to pay attention to what the interviewer was doing again. It seemed to involve skipping ahead to tick boxes, and doing it several times, before finally flipping back to where they'd been. When that was complete, the interviewer asked, "Given that he was so very door-nail dead, why is there ambiguity as to his current status?"
"He's been dead before; it tends not to stick."
Two check marks.
"What is his species?" the interviewer asked.
"Debatable."
A check mark, a flipped page, and a question, "In what manner?"
"There are two possible answers depending upon how one views matters of species identity."
"Elaborate."
Sunset's patience, which had never been renowned for its heft to begin with, was wearing quite thin.
"You said you'd get me back to my world," she said. "My world is not Equestria so I fail to see how--"
"The sooner we finish these questions," the interviewer said, "the sooner you will be permitted to flounce."
Sunset rolled her eyes and said, "Umbrum soul in a unicorn body, raised purely as a unicorn."
More check marks.
"Returning to the artifact that survived your theft only to be destroyed by--"
"The Element of Magic," Sunset snapped. "Got it."
Apparently snapping at that, in itself, merited three check marks.
Sunset decided to ignore those check marks, along with future check marks, and asked, "What do you want to know?"
"Is it badly named?"
"That depends on whether one believes that Friendship is literally Magic."
"Elaborate."
"It's technically the Element of Harmony," Sunset said in the same manner she used for reciting rote knowledge to dull teachers, "the one central Element that brings together the seemingly disparate outer Elements. 'Harmony' and 'Friendship', in this context, basically translate to φιλία, otherwise known as--"
"A great many things," the interviewer said. "You do not need to list them."
"Then we can move on to the next pointless--"
"You have not explained why whether the Element is badly named depends upon one's conceptual framework with respect to the topics of kith and kin."
Sunset thought that she had, but apparently it needed to be spelled out.
"As I said, it's technically the Element of Harmony itself," she said. "The union of the the outer Elements as well as the interpersonal connection that those Elements in particular, and Friendship in general, entail. Friendship being synonymous with Harmony means that if Friendship is Magic then Harmony is Magic and, therefore, calling Harmony, 'Magic,' is acceptable, if roundabout."
"What is the second vowel in the chosen name of the pony Mi Amore Cadenza?"
That took Sunset completely off guard, and the, "What?" that came out in response did so entirely without permission.
"It's a fairly simple question."
Thoroughly baffled, Sunset said, "It's an 'e'. What else would it be?"
"In many timelines it is an 'a'. By answering that question you have--"
"That makes no sense! The name isn't 'Mi Amore Cadanza'."
"And how do you feel about that?" the interviewer asked in the manner of a disinterested psychiatrist from a low budget sitcom.
"Now you're just mocking me."
"True."
Sunset simply glowered.
"Let's return to getting you home."
"Yes," Sunset said. "Let's."
"Have you had sex with her?"
"I . . . um . . . what‽"
"Have you had sexual intercourse with Cadenza?" the interviewer asked as though it were the blandest question in the world.
"NO!" Sunset shouted with enough emotion for both of them.
"Shouting was unnecessary."
"Why would you ask that‽"
"To determine which world you come from."
"If I flay you alive--"
"That will harm your chances of returning to your home."
Sunset stifled a growl and said, "Continue."
"Have you been stabbed?"
"Not in a long time."
"Was Gilda the one to do it?"
"Who?"
That resulted in a lot of flipped pages, perhaps the most so far.
"Has Rainbow Dash ever set you up to be beaten by an angry mob?" the interviewer asked.
"Is that the sort of thing that Rainbow Dashes are wont to do?"
"Is that a, 'No'?"
"Yes, that is a, 'No.'"
Another sizable skip forward in the interviewer's packet.
"Have you been adopted?"
"Nope."
A smaller skip.
"Are you related to Twilight Sparkle?"
"Which one?"
"Either."
"No for one, probably some kind of distant cousin for the other. After you hit 'third cousin once removed' I stop paying attention."
"Trixie?"
"Trixie what?"
"Are you related?"
"Same answer."
"Are there any living individuals for which you don't have the same answer?"
"Pretty sure I'm not related to any manticores." Though, technically, the current iteration of the theory of evolution stated that all life in Equestria shared a common ancestor, which (if true) would mean that Sunset could count her Equestria's manticores as particularly distant cousins.
"Have you ever jumped off a bridge?"
"Are we talking recreationally or--"
"The other sort of jumping off a bridge."
"No."
"Have you tried?"
"I've never been actively suicidal."
That caused the interviewer to skip forward almost as far as they had when Sunset didn't recognize the name 'Gilda'.
"Have you ever been abandoned by your friends?"
"Define 'abandoned'."
"Past participle of 'Abandon' used to mark the passive voice."
"Telling me all of nothing. How are you defining 'abandon'?"
"To cease to support or look after someone."
That was a touchy subject. Sunset sighed, then said, "Yes, but not by choice."
"How were they compelled to abandon you?"
"Memory based magical mind whammy."
"By whom?"
"A human named 'Wallfower Blush'. She's a good kid."
"Are you implying that you're older than Wallflower Blush?"
"Of course not. I'm just not so insecure as to deny the fact that people in my age group are kids."
Several pages skipped, at this point it was unremarkable.
"Does Equestria consider--"
"Equestria is fucked up."
"That doesn't answer--"
"When I flounced at nine years old, I was already getting higher education, even though I was at most four years ahead of average students my age."
"While you have not answered my question--"
"You can infer."
Based on them making a check mark, Sunset inferred that the interviewer did.
"Who are the Princesses of Equestia?"
"Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and sometimes Cadence."
"'Sometimes'?"
"Whether the Crystal Empire is part of Equestria or not depends largely on what's politically convenient at the time. Also how much root beer is available."
"Root beer?"
"Cadence will embargo the fuck out of anyone who gets between her and her root beer. If she has to secede from Equestria to do it, so be it."
"How many times have the Princesses been defeated?"
"Are we including times they were defeated by other princesses?"
"No."
"Surrenders?"
"No."
"Eight."
"Who is Cozy Glow?"
"A human kid who got it into her head that if she funneled the magic from Equestria into the Human realm she'd become some kind of God."
Given that Cozy Glow spoke of ponies as a group she lacked membership in and explicitly stated that she was sending Equestria's magic to another realm, the time it took before anyone figured that out was disturbingly long.
"Where is Cozy Glow?"
"In a juvenile detention facility in Equestria where attempts to rehabilitate her are being made."
"Has she ever been turned to stone?"
"I haven't looked into her experiences with cockatrices and the like."
"Has she ever been turned into stone as a punishment?"
"What kind of monster would petrify a child?" Sunset asked in shock.
"I'll take that as a, 'No.'"
"You do that."
"Are you familiar with the trials of Clover the Clever?"
"Unfortunately."
"How many were there?"
"Seven."
"What was Clover's gender?"
"Female, but when she wrote about her trials she had forgotten that." Selective memory erasure was a terrifyingly powerful tool.
"Is Starswirl the Bearded famous?"
"That depends on whether or not Twilight Sparkle is in the room."
"Have you met Daring Do?"
"I've never been inside a work of fiction."
"That's not an answer."
"I've never met any fictional characters."
"That is still not--"
"No."
"Has Trixie ever groped you?"
"Do you want to be flayed?"
"Are you now, or have you ever been, in the process of being courted by Princess Luna?"
"She's like 65 times my age."
"That is--"
Sunset massaged her temples and said, "No."
"How many Elements of Harmony are there?"
"Are we counting destroyed ones?"
"Yes."
"Thirteen."
"Name them."
"Two each of Kindness, Laughter, Loyalty, Generosity, Honesty, and the dubiously named 'Magic'. Empathy stands alone."
"Where do they originate?"
"A tree."
"Where does the tree originate?"
"That depends a great deal on who you trust." Technically what depended on that was not how the tree originated, but rather what one believed about said origination, but such details didn't need to be dwelled upon.
"Elaborate."
"Claim has been made that it was sprung from a Seed of Hope planted by six ponies who were abandoning Equestria, without telling anyone where they were going, as part of a ritual intended to effectively (but not actually) kill one of their friends. That doesn't sound very harmonious to me and, if true, would completely bork our understanding of the order of events at that period in the history of Equestria."
"Which six ponies?"
"Mage Meadowbrook the Elder, that being the earth pony instead of the unicorn who made eight enchanted items, Mistmane, Rockhoof, Flash thingamabob, Madam Sleepwalker, and Starswirl the Bearded."
"And the friend you mentioned?"
"Stygian."
"What happened to Stygian?"
"He became a bestselling author. Also a motivational speaker, if I'm remembering correctly."
"Does he have any living decedents?"
"Just the one."
"Who?"
"A pony with impressive biblomagical talents called Shadow Lock. He's the one you need to talk to if you want to meet Daring Do."
"What is he currently doing?"
"Last I heard he was unerasing books he'd blanked, but the process was hindered by the fact that the price of blanking them was losing his own memories of the books and their contents."
"On a scale from one to plotting my demise as we speak--"
"Two to the power of omega squared." Reminding Sunset of precisely how vexed she was by this whole ordeal was not the interviewer's brightest idea, in Sunset's opinion.
"So uncountably infinite."
"And then some."
"Have you ever constructed a guitar?"
"Does a piece of crap cigar box one count?" Sunset had been a homeless ten year old, living through a combination of begging and eating out of dumpsters. She'd seen a busker playing an instrument that was, very clearly, made out of trash. She had had plenty of access to trash.
"Why did you construct this guitar?"
"So I could learn to use my fingers properly." The busker's fingers had danced over the improvised fret board. Sunset's fingers had struggled to do anything more complex than claw and grasp. She'd never really considered training her fingers until she'd seen what the busker could do with fingers and trash.
"Manual dexterity and nothing else?"
There was one obvious other reason. "Well, I do like music."
"No ulteri--"
Sunset growled. The little trip down memory lane had not caused her to forget that she genuinely wanted to inflict physical harm upon the person she was talking to.
"Are you actually going to kill me?"
Sunset had to think that over for a bit. When she finished, she gave an honest answer, "Probably not."
"Do you have a pet?"
"Yes."
"Species?"
"Leopard gecko."
"Name?"
"Ray."
"Has it ever turned into a dragon?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
"Is there a human-born Sunset Shimmer?"
"Probably."
"Does that mean I can skip the questions about whether she lives in Equestria, the human world, or (if she happens to be dead) neither?"
"That seems like a good call."
That this resulted in skipping pages was expected, that it resulted in skipping as few pages as it did was not.
"Of those to bear Elements of Harmony, how many were born human?"
"Six."
"How many of those are transgender?"
"None of your damned business."
"Miss Shimmer, we're examining timelines in detail, we will notice any gender transition."
"Not the point."
"I'm not asking for names."
"Not th--"
"Do you want to return to your home?"
"Flaying is so very much back on the table . . ." Sunset said, and she'd probably have to revisit that 'Probably not' too. After an extended pause, Sunset added, ". . . and two of them are."
"Thank you. We're almost done here."
Sunset said, "Yay," with a flatness that would make Maud Pie proud. Or it might not. (It could be difficult to tell with Maud.)
"Were there ever any Elements of Harmony beyond the ones you've already named?"
Sunset didn't quite bark her reply of, "Yes," in large part because Sunset was not a dog. That being said, the way she delivered the answer was harsh enough to make clear that she was still quite irate over the previous question.
"What were they?"
Rather than answering, Sunset simply glared at the interviewer.
"Miss Shimmer . . ."
As angry as she was, Sunset didn't actually have a problem with answering this particular question, so she relented and said, "Just the one: Inspiration, the green Element."
"What happened to it?"
"It was replaced by Generosity and forgotten." Replaced, not destroyed. That was why it hadn't made the count of thirteen Elements before. It wasn't an Element anymore, but that was more akin to a demotion than a Sombra.
"But not by you."
"I did my research." Unauthorized slightly illegal research, at that.
"Have you reconciled with Princess Celestia?"
"Yes."
"Did she apologize to you?"
"Eventually."
"Which side of Rainbow Dash's head has green hair?"
"Both."
"Does Derpy travel through time?"
"Of course."
"To alternate universes?"
"Frequently"
"In a blue box?"
"What else?"
"Rainbow Dash defeated Twilight Sparkle in a soccer match with a score of..."
"Five to zero."
"Two more questions and we should be able to isolate your home timeline."
"I have serious doubts as to the veracity of that statement." The multiverse was vast, Sunset hadn't actually been asked that many questions. The idea that this process could determine the one correct timeline out of the excessively infinite possibilities was, honestly, quite laughable.
Sunset just needed to get through this so her hosts would admit failure and let her pursue avenues of inquiry that had a hope of actually working.
"What are the exact words you spoke the first time you met Princess Twilight Sparkle in Equestria?"
That was one of the few questions that might do some heavy lifting. While by no means infinite, the things she could have said to Twilight upon their first meeting ranged from nothing at all to an eight hour soliloquy about the importance of soybeans to the Equestrian economy and beyond.
What she'd actually said was, "'Sorry it had to be this way . . . princess'," which she now told the interviewer.
"And in the human world?"
Sunset said, "'You must be new here; I can speak to anyone any way I want,'" and almost sighed in relief because, finally, this would be over.
"You're sure?"
Or not.
"You said, 'Two more questions,'" Sunset said, "I've answered two more questions."
"Yes, you have, but if you --for example-- actually said, 'I can speak to anybody--'"
"I didn't," Sunset said. "I said, 'anyone'."
"Then we're done here," the interviewer said. Papers and pen went back under the binder clip.
The interviewer stood up, Sunset followed suit, and soon the two exited the remarkably unremarkable room.
Author's Note
This was a result of starting to write without plan or purpose. That produced the dialogue (and only the dialogue) of this story. Csquared08, Scampy, and Duck told me to post this as a story. I pointed out that script form stories weren't allowed, they told me to convert the form into that of something not-a-script, which I have done. If you have enjoyed reading this, you should probably be nice to those three.
If you want to do something nice for me, you could try commenting on this or my other stories, or you could Buy Me A Coffee™. (None of these things are mutually exclusive.)
part time valedictorian of Canterlot High School
When this was first written, as dialogue only remember, Csquared08's brain threw a "Wait, what?" exception.
As noted in the current text, this is impossible. Sunset is abusing terminology. In a school where the valedictorian is chosen purely based on grades, one can be the presumptive valedictorian long before the position of valedictorian is actually conferred. All one needs to do is, using grades as a metric, stand head and shoulders above the rest of the student body.
If, say, a formerly antisocial mad scientist transfers into the school and consistently gets similar grades, that presumption is called into question.
One can't be a part time valedictorian, one can, by metonymy, describe the top student in the graduating class as "valedictorian" (provided the previously mentioned conditions are met), and one can be the top student in the graduating class part time.
Is this sloppy and incorrect language? Sunset doesn't even want to be here today.
φιλία
The Ancient Greek term for love between friends and siblings, more personal than Agape, not as parental as Storge, and infinitely less sexual than Eros.
Have you ever jumped off a bridge?
For the record, I have jumped off bridges recreationally. It's great fun.
"Root beer?"
Having the Crystal Empire's legal status in a state of flux made me think of something I once wrote for a Kim Possible AU. That involved an intentionally excessive list of factors, one of which involved soda. So, with that in my mind, I threw in root beer. When I looked up the Kim Possible fic, I was somewhat surprised to learn that the soda I'd used there was also root beer.
Mage Meadowbrook the Elder
According to canon Mage Meadowbrook is the name of a unicorn who made eight enchanted artifacts. According to canon Mage Meadowbrook is also the name of an earth pony who used to hang with Starswirl the Simultaneously Very Famous and Really Obscure. Unless the two Mage Meadowbrooks were born at the exact same time, one must be older than the other.
Raven Inkwell has a similar thing going on. According to official (but not necessarily canonical) sources she is both a unicorn and an earth pony. Unlike Meadowbrook, this cannot be explained away by assuming two different ponies have the same name. The unicorn and the earth pony are both, very definitely, the same Raven Inkwell.
I originally intended to have a question about what type of pony Raven was, I never ended up working it in.
Two to the power of omega squared.
Sunset is assuming the axiom of choice, using it to express cardinal numbers via their initial ordinals, assuming the continuum hypothesis, and using that to inform her definition of exponentiation over the surreal numbers. The only dubious step is the last one.
The interviewer is right there with Sunset every step of the way (including the last one.)
Inspiration, the green Element.
The book in the first episode has a green Element of Harmony in Generosity's place. On a meta level the original plan didn't have Generosity as an Element of Harmony, instead Inspiration filled that slot. Put those two things together (even though they were never intended to go together) and you get Inspiration as the lost Element of Harmony, which happens to be green.
⁂
Random thing that I thought of at some point (possibly after I'd finished writing) but didn't include:
Interviewer: You have clearly visited multiple worlds in your home timeline--
Sunset: Clearly
Interviewer: Have you ever been to the world inhabited by talking squid?
Sunset: We don't talk about the squid.
For some unfathomable reason, an idea popped into my head positively ages ago and won't get out. The idea is simple: the world of Splatoon exists in the local multiverse alongside the worlds of Friendship is Magic and Equestria Girls, and everyone who travels between worlds knows this, but no one ever talks about it.
The first rule about Inkopolis is you do not talk about Inkopolis. Or something like that.
This is one of the few stories into which that bizarre idea could be reasonably placed, and I didn't use the opportunity.
⁂
The chapter title comes from Blade Runner.
Originally I wanted the interview equivalent of "Please complete this short survey", but nothing really jumped out at me. Then I thought about the fact that Blade Runner had a thing where an interviewer asked a series of odd questions, and I looked at the script. It turned out that nothing surrounding the Voight-Kampff test really stood out as a good chapter title either.
What Decker asked the Esper, though, that fit pretty well.
