Perspectivesby PolarityChaptersOneNewBreathSightFoundRealityUntetheredFloatingLostDreamFloodsTrustOneEvery time my eyes open, it feels like the first time. I've never breathed quite so deeply, than when I came here. Every movement feels like I'm at my peak. To begin my story, I have to tell you that I am a... complicated sometimes insane recovering Man. And my name is Cim. I found this place, following a dream. I had been walking for weeks. I had finally given myself the motivation to plan for it. Planning, for what was probably going to be my end. I had become like blind, seeing color but not form. My mind was slipping for my efforts. So I didn't notice the change. And that in itself is amazing. An amazing declaration of the human body. And how it copes with suffering. But the change... How could I have not noticed? Now? Now, it seems like I'm on a entirely different planet. The change was... breathtaking. But enough preamble. Let us begin the story. I can feel everything beneath my shoes. I can feel every rock and root; they keep me here. They keep me, my shoes and how I feel through them, here. Here; Here, where a man was once defined by his work and the effort put into it. Here, where the sky becomes more hazy with every year. Here, where "equality" just means power to the minority. And here, where the little beauty is found there; there when the parallels form, or is it where the inspiration grows? I need to rest again. I've been walking nonstop for several hours since before dawn. There. That log, that looks semi dry. Ah, there we go. Feels good to take forty pounds off my back, every time, surprisingly; or not surprisingly, depending on how you look at it. You see, I'm trying to stop thinking... hopefully at all. Become enriched in the now. All that jazz. I've been trying for so long now. I've been trying so many different things. I call them escapes. And I've tried escaping through music. And prose. And movies. And film making. And reading. And writing. And games. And sheer learning. Through trips, planned in advanced. Through, random excursions, letting the wind guide me and my feet carry. So here I am now, several weeks into this middle ground I found. This planned, but unplanned stroll. Ha! To call it a stroll is to call the Atlantic Ocean a mere lake. But a stroll it is. For that is how far I let myself see my future. The whole trying not to think thing, remember? But I'm failing miserably at it. Because even now, I'm writing this in my mind, this inner monologue, thought in form, this... book, you might call it I write. This book is written everyday, every hour, every pause in my breath, is filled with this burden of thought. Why do I write this to myself, in the intention for others to read. This is but one of the few handful of things I don't know about myself yet... But I do know why, I just refuse to acknowledge it. DAMN THIS BURDEN. DAMN THIS INFERNAL CIRCLE OF THOUGHT. Damn me. It is time to walk again. A cliff. Here I am, there. I see down, to the water. It shines like a thread of hope. But it's so far down. What do you care? You know why you embarked here, there. You know what you hoped. Should I go down? I see no way than the one in front of me. So? You were never afraid to fall. How can one be afraid to fall, when he is already at the bottom. I can't answer, myself. Looking there, here. I paint the water there, here. In my mind. Cursed thought. Blessed memory. Thought without thinking, bubbling forth from their own will. Brings me a small measure of peace. Along with what I remember. Parallels drawn in the sand, the wave comes. Only partly gone. Movement on the brown. Blurred upwards. Shimmering gold through green. I feel myself smile. Gone now. When I feel my memory, I feel the gold. For it always is... gold. Even my pain. My first memory is of my altered perception, through red. Red surrounded by gold. Mustn't dwell, else the circle come. May I fall tomorrow. I see a trail. There, off to the side. It's an animal path. I'm going to go down it. I can remember the other trails I've found. One, leading to a forest glade, covered in canopy. Another, going to a hidden well, long broken and ruined. Yet another, a broken house, filled with memory. I hope this one leads me to something equally beautiful. There is a few broken branches here. Maybe a bear. Now, a few deer tracks. They branch off the path. A fox is here, I can smell it's musk. It is hiding from me. There! An opening in the forest! I cannot wait to see what is on the other side. Its... a field of purple flowers. There is a hill in the middle... Bare of growth at the top... There now, at the top. Strange, the growth forms a perfect ring around the barren soil. Stranger still, I can smell the richness of the soil... It's almost overpoweringly comforting and peaceful... But that may be my memory. Walking with my father, to the top of the cliff, the ground is brown and gold. I smell my grandmothers hands when she comes in from gardening, her fingernails are caked with brown and gold. I'm on the ground crying, not from physical pain. My vision is halved by blue, brown, and gold. I will meditate and sleep here at the top, tonight. Blessed stillness. My mind is still. For a moment. I hear the crack of a twig. Silence, broken. Now I must set up camp. I can feel my actions, they require no thought. More time to remember. My father is guiding my hands, setting up the family tent. The tent is grey, and gold. Success! I finally made my first fire through friction. The embers are red, and gold. A coal fell from the fire. My father sees me staring at it. He tells me, "If you pick it up and throw it fast enough, back into the fire, you won't get burned." I try it, and I succeed. I see him smiling at me. His smile is white and gold. There, all busy work is done. Food has been made, and eaten. Refuse has been buried far down wind. Dishes hung far from here. All that is left is my fire and tent. I focus on the flames until none remain. The moon is bright tonight. I see the moon and stars, and feel my memory, merge. I see blue, white, and gold. So beautiful. Time for thoughtless sleep. I dream tonight. First time in a long time. I dream of shifting worlds, and magic. There is no gold. NewThe Birds. There is little pattern to their call. But it rouses me, just the same. The sun isn't even out yet. The air is bitter cold. I feel warm. Must be my clothes. I wish it wasn't though. I wish I had enough control. Control to be warm in cold. The best I can do is banish shivers. But that is just a mental block. Quickly placed and broken. Well. Now is as good a time to try again as any. The cotton of my shirt lays in my lap, now. Soon, my legs will be warm. But now? For now I feel the bite in the air. I feel my skin stiffening. The vibrations are coming. But no. I can practically hear the stone falling into place. The impulses crash against it. It is almost overpowering. I have enough faculty left though to at least try. Warm... The sun beats on my body. I hear the sound of waves crashing against sand. Warm... The heat bleeds into my body. The aroma of wood burning fills my senses. Warm... I feel my skin like fire. I hear my mother berate me for touching the stove. Pink surrounds my vision. I had become lost in my attempt to be stronger. The light pierces my eyes. Pain blossoms for a moment. But I simply become still. Let it pass. There. Color fills my eyes. I am reminded of how strange this place is. The circle of brown soil beneath me smells of grass, freshly wet. And the flowers? I see their purple radiance, but smell nothing. I remember telling my mother that roses have no smell. All she did was give me an odd look. Enough thought. Let the pattern begin. My pack has been re-organized. The food stored. Water full. Shoes tied tight. My shirt? Around my waist. I may put it on later. But for now? It stays there. Time to leave. I am assaulted. Not mentally or physically. No. I smell the flowers. All of them. It's perfect. I can't resist. I need to take one. Too small. Too small. Not big enough. There. On the edge of the field. That is the one. The blossom is as wide as my thumb. Perfect. It even fits perfectly. Fits snugly in the front loop on my back pack strap. Now I can smell this perfect aroma every time I pause in my step. I know it won't last long. But... I feel that it isn't supposed to. It will fade when it needs to fade. Prolonging it doesn't seem right. There is a wide path here. On either side is a wide dark tree. There isn't a knot on either of them. I've never seen as old a growth with out a defect. There is no answer here. Time to walk. I feel almost nothing but soil beneath my soles. Nary a rock. Nor root. Neither seed. But I see many leaves. The ground is anything but silent upon the steps I bear. Theory after theory unfold into my mind. But no answer. No conclusion. Best not dwell. Do what is familiar. Walk. Nothing of interest. No animal trails. Nothing. Wait. There. Exposed in the sun. Canvas spread to spill white upon green. A mat of moss. Soil like feathers. And best of all? No ants. Perfect. I can lay here a time. I fall into dreamless sleep. Silence greets me. snap BreathI try my hardest not to freeze. Breathe... In. Out. In. Out. In. snap Out. Relax my body. In. Out. In. snap Out. Focus my mind. In. Out. In. crack. Out. I feel a presence step upon the moss bed. Their weight presses it down. Shifting me slightly. In. Out. In. Out. It steps off. In. Out. I hear a soft murmur. snap In. Out. In. Out. snap In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Silence. I sit up. Nothing has changed. Wait. No. There. In the bed. I see the scuff, torn moss shifted aside revealing the loam underneath... But that one is from me. This one. This one isn't. SightMy vision won't stop flashing. Black White Color Black White Color Just breath damn you. I can't seem to get enough air. Refilling my lungs over and over, the strain is almost enough to vomit. Just put a hold on it, Cim. Feel the wall smashing into position. Panic beats against it. But calm takes it's place. Ok. Breath. Slowly. There. Now that I don't feel like my heart is going to leap from my chest. Let's look around. The birds. They never stopped chirping... Not even the ones in the trees right above the bed. I was noisy on the path, yeah. But not as loudly as that thing. Did it even use the path? No. I see the broken branches, here. And there. Further down the path on the other side. What ever it was didn't use the path. But I don't see the path it was using. What animal does that? Goes through unbroken land? There is always a trail.... something or other to ease passage. But I see nothing. I need to look at the moss again. Ah. Here is the mark. I can't believe I almost trampled it. It's Circular. Maybe I'm wrong. After all it's only a little segment of a circle. I don't know. I should know. Why don't you know? I can't answer. Why are you so afraid? Because I don't know what it is. And? What does that have to do with fear? Did you not, just a day ago, contemplate stepping off a cliff? Yes. What does a man who fears not death, need fear for at all. I don't want to answer. I can't answer. No. I choose not to think this. I should stop. I will stop before I lose my goal. And that goal is? To be on my Journey. To see what I may find. To make To make my story worth knowing. Those are all admirable goals. Heroic stuff, every one. But, fear. Why did you fear. Why did I fear? Why did I fear. Because I can't stop running. Coward. I know. I feel my legs start walking down the path, once again. FoundBlack gives way to light. Pain blossoms in my body. But mainly in my head. My body groans. It's low and full of pain. How could I have done that. snap My eyes flash open. Light floods my vision. Quickly faded. Something is watching me. snap It is close. snap Getting closer. I won't be afraid this time. snap. No fear. snap What comes, will come. snap My strength has been gather. snap Pain, shunted aside. snap Now. HEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG My throat is hoarse from the bellow. But it did what I wanted. It froze the thing. Time enough to stand, quickly leaping to my feet. Almost passing out from my head wound. I spin around, the forest whirls. But there it is. It's already turning around. Getting ready to run. I can't let it get away. But, my head won't stop spinning. I lurch in it's direction. My eyes are crossed, but I see enough to know it's turned back to get a glimpse at me. What it saw must have not been pretty, because it makes a sound, like a whimper. I think it's afraid. But I'm not. I see it's figure retreating off into the distance. Either it runs really really weirdly, or it has four legs. It'd make more sense that it has four legs, considering how short it was. Stop thinking. It's getting away. No it's not. Instinct takes over my thought. I feel like I'm watching a movie. One leg in front of the other. Fast. Faster. Leap. I barely saw the log. Duck. The branch grazes my hair. On I feel myself go. Smoothly breathing. In Out. In Out. My thighs and calves, tense. Like steel. I'm gaining on it. I hear it's many footfalls. Thundering almost. My vision becomes haloed by black, or is it white? A tunnel forms. There is only my focus. I keep catching glimpses of it's tail. A dirty weathered pink. Out of the forest now. I can see it in it's full glory. It's like a dog. Its body covered is debris, and a dirty yellow. It must have been white once. It's tail and hair, a dirty pink. Leaves and sticks litter its hair. I can see it's ribs, sticking out it's sides. They are horizontal. No, diagonal. Disgusting, they shift with every step it's takes, sliding under the skin like parasites. This is no dog. It's a genetic anomaly. An albino monster. I was right to be afraid. But I need fear not, now. I am the hunter. And they prey is getting closer. I rocket forward, the open ground advantageous to me. It speeds up as well. But not enough. I'm a second from it. I feel myself growl, like a animal. Eager to eat. It hears me. It's turns it's head. It's eyes are giant. Truly, it is a monster. To know it was watching me sleep would make a man shudder in revulsion. But I see the utter terror in it's eyes. It knows the end of the ride is coming. I smile large. And leap. I land square on it. It never had a chance. In a matter of not even seconds, I have it pinned to the ground. Its muzzle fixed under my closed hand. My body resting half upon it, and half upon the ground. My legs intertwined in its. No claws on it. Strange. The thing whimpers. Fluids stream down it's face. Out of it's snout. Disgusting. I just need to know what to do with it now. I have two options. I can't tame it. So I could only let it go. Or. I can kill it. It would be easy. It's so light and frail. It wouldn't even be hard. It's runs through my mind. Twist. Snap. Feeling it last breath be squeezed out by my weight. It's heart flutter. And stop. It would make my story better if I kill it. Those who would hear it would feel my strength. I can't help but wonder how it would taste. I can't decide. I hear something grunt and feel something wrap around my neck. RealityDarkness greets me. But I'm not out for long. My first thought is that blacking out so much probably isn't good for me. My second is that I can't open my mouth. My eyes snap open in a panic. I'm... I'm I'm wrapped in rope? Indeed I am! Wait, what? My body is tied hands to feet. My mouth is secured shut by a piece of rope tied at the top of my head that loops under my jaw at the chin. All I can see is grass. Most of what I can smell is dirt. The rest is me. Damn. I should've washed in the river, instead of knocking myself unconscious. I can't help but think of what a great adventure this was. I'm not afraid to die. Maybe the last adventure will be as good as this one. "Yah'll sure your ok?" It rings out into the silence. A bronze bell. It rings me out of my reverie. "Oh yes, thank you. I was just so scared." This one brings to mind the taste of bitter medicine administered by my mother. Shocking in it's small but impactful flavor. "Speaking of, why didn't you fly away?" "Yah'll could've flown off into the sunset, instead of tire'n yourself out running through that forest." "Oh, um, I forgot I could fly. Again." This one seems almost ashamed that it forgot. But what is it? Surely not that monster? "By tarnation, Fluttershy!" Oh wow, this one seems to be mad at the soft one. "Now, Ah tain't mad at yeh. But Ah couldn't stand to see you get hurt! And this was mighty close." Oh, I guess not. "What would Rainbow Dash do if you got hurt? Ah reckon she'd be mighty sad, and then mad." "I'm sorry." Soft seems on the verge of crying. A soft whinny breaks the silence. What? Bronze was riding a horse? "No, Ah'm sorry, sugarcube." "Ah shouldn't have spoken to you like that." "No, it was o." "Hush with that nonsense." Another soft whinny, or was it a sigh? "Ah think we both just need a hug after that little adventure." Something squeaks. "Thank you again, Applejack." Wait...no. No. No. No way. It couldn't be. I'm trying to get out of my bonds now. Something squeaks again. "Oh no!" "Yah'll stand back while ah take care of this." Something shoves me over, felt like a stick. And there they are. Ponies. And I get an eye full. Applejack is staring at me. And I, her. She looks kinda angry. I start working my jaw and wiggling my eyebrows with the little mobility I have. Hahahahaha, the look on her face! A wide shit eating grin spreads across my mug. "What in calamity is this thang doin?!" Finally the rope securing my mouth falls off. "I'm sorry!" "What, It can talk?!" I didn't think her eyes could get any bigger. "I'm sorry!" It runs out of my mouth. "I'm sorry I attacked you, Fluttershy!" I'm wiggling my body now, trying to turn around so I can see her. "Now hold up!" Applejack got over her shock and is now standing on me with one hoof. "Hold up, Just give us a minute now." "So you can talk, that right?" She is looking fairly incredulous. "Yes, ma'am." She feels a lot more sturdy than Fluttershy, judging by her weight alone. "Right." She nods slightly, looking a little more accepting of the fact. "And you say yer sorry?" She pushes down a little on my side, as if to make sure I'm telling the truth, whatever comes out. "Yes, I am, ma'am!" I'm nodding vigorously now, my ear keeps getting tickled by the grass. She lets up on her pressure. "Hrm, so yah say." "But it ain't up to me to forgive yah." She looks over me. "Now, Fluttershy, I'm gonna spin him around so he can talk to you face to face." She bites my hair. She snorts. I guess I need that shower after all. OW, she is spinning me around by my hair, dragging me around. I'm not even half way when I hear, "Wait!" "Sorry." "Don't drag him." "I'll walk" Applejack snorts again. "Thank apples, He tastes awful!" Well thanks, Applejack. "Um, can you come here Applejack?" She walks around me to Fluttershy. I hear a squeak and some whispering. And back around comes Applejack. With Fluttershy walking beside her, opposite me. She peeks over Applejacks' back once, and then disappears with whimper. Fucking Adorable. Applejack sits down a short ways in front of me. Fluttershy can't seem to decide whether to hide behind her or sit beside her. I clear my throat. She decides to hide behind Applejack. "Hello." I decide to break the ice with a classic opener. "Why did the hippopotamus talk to the penguin?" "Uhm." "Why?" She is looking at me strangely, peeking over Applejacks' hat. "He was asking for the best way to break the ice." I'm keeping my best straight face. But it doesn't work. "Uh." "I don't get it." She looks more confused now, but at least she isn't looking at me over the hat. "See, I needed to break the ice and get you to talk to me." I sigh and give a weak smile. "Oh, well it worked." She is sitting beside Applejack now. Mission Accomplished. "So, uh, yeah. I'm sorry for attacking you and chasing you through the woods." I can't look in her eyes. "..." UntetheredOne step Two Three steps One more and I'm there. Time stops What if you died right now. All the exertion and the blows to your head brought you to a peak. And this step plunges you over it. The last thing you see is the world turning blue, then black. And now you are here. Here at this place of limbo. Waiting to die. Because you aren't dead yet, oh no. It's never that simple with you. While you fell over the world goes on. Applejack and Fluttershy brought you to Twilight. They were actually really concerned. Apparently you made more of an impression than you realized. Twilight didn't know what to think of you, or what you are. So she wrote to Celestia. And she came. She knew. But she had no way to send you back. It wasn't her magic that brought you here. But she wanted to send you back so badly. Too much of a risk, she said to Twilight. But there was nothing Celestia could do. So here you are. Hooked up to nothing but magic. Keeping you alive. And so you grow old. Stuck here. Oh, sure they visit you from time to time, usually twice a year. But they dwindle. The visits, the time spent watching you. Hoping you would wake up. Quietly hoping you would wake up while they watch. But you never do. Time flows, again. Why. Why. Why. WHY. WHY IS IT BACK. THIS CURSED THOUGHT. Curse this speeding mind. These racing thoughts. Faster than perception. Whole lives lost in the blink of my eye. For what purpose? To show me the worst possible reality? Or the most probable. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. Why is it back. "Um, what're yer doin?" That accent brings me to my senses. And I find myself on my knees. My chin is wet. My eyes are blurry, but it doesn't matter because all I see is green with two pillars of yellow rising up out of my sight. And I realize it has been a few good seconds. I try to stand. But the world spins under my hips, keeping me locked to the earth for a few moments more. So I look up at her. She is sitting, head back, eyes locked with mine. Here, on the ground, we see eye to eye. She is still afraid of me. Am I truly a monster? Something to be feared? You know the answer to that one. You wouldn't even have taken the trip if you didn't. You know you are a monster. You should have walked off that cliff when you had the chance. Useless. Waste. Kill yourse... "Fluttershy?" She squeaks. "Can I have a hug?" "..." Nothing. All she does is look at me with fear. I am a monster. "I'm sorry." Monster. I can't look at her anymore. I don't want her to see me lose my hope. I don't want her to see me cry. "I'm sorr" And she hugged me. FloatingWhat? Why? Why is she hugging me? I don't deserve this. "I don't even know your name, friend." They ring in my ears. I didn't even introduce myself. Yet, I addressed them by name. I know better. "But I forgive you." I had given up on hoping to find kindness similar to this. I thought I was alone. Maybe the stories were true. More tears escape from my eyes. What if you shouldn't be here. No. I can't think that yet. I won't. "Fluttershy." I put my hands under her forelegs, seeing as they don't really have shoulders. I push her back. I need to see her eye to eye. Ah. She looks like she is about to start crying. Such empathy. She doesn't even know me, or my thoughts. She'll hate you when she learns. They all will. Shush. You know it's true. Be quiet! I close my eyes for a moment. I need to gather myself. I can't be a wreck of a man the entire time. The mask needs to slide back into place. A slight distancing from myself. Enough to make me feel even more alone. But it lets me through the day in public. How I hate you. Me. Coward. I know. There, I'm ready. She is still staring at me. I don't know how long it's been. Maybe an instant. A lifetime? "I'm sorry, Fluttershy. I haven't even told you my name. I'm Cim." The words slip from my tongue. When will the first one come. The first lie. No, don't lie. You can start new here. Maybe. "Hello, Cim." She still sounds a little afraid. It hurts. You deserve to be hurt. I set her down, and stand. "Will you wait here, please Fluttershy?" "Applejack?" "What fer?" She is looking at me sly. "I just need to go get my things." "Well, be quick about it." Apparently she trusts me enough to not think I'm getting weapons. Or maybe she thinks she can handle it, should it come. Either way. She sits down, after walking over to Fluttershy. "What'er yah say to ah little wait, eh Fluttershy?" Fluttershy just sits there looking at me. Maybe she sees me as this new exciting animal. She doesn't say anything. Applejack nudges her, "Huh, sugarcube?" "Oh, hmm, what?" "Oh, yes yes, I can wait." She doesn't even look at AJ. I just stand there staring at her, back. "Well, what're yer waitin, fer?" Oh, yes. I sigh and go, one leg after the other into the forest. It's easy to follow the trail we blazed, back to the river. So much broken, trod under hoof and foot. It wouldn't take much now to make this a proper trail. A little clearing, and many footfalls. One foot after the other. Don't run away. Don't run. Don't. There it is, my jug is still down by the bank. I don't want to risk slipping again. It can wait until my head clears properly. Besides, I think I have another tied to my pack. Yup. There it is. Camp. Quickly dismantled. I didn't even have to wash dishes. Heh, I didn't even have time to make food. A few pieces of orange plastic ribbon mark the trail back to the forest path. A few more mark the path along the trail we blazed, out of the forest. I step out and the open sun once again welcomes me. LostCoward. Useless. Why do you run? Coward. Failure. The sun is many degrees from where it was. At least 5 hours. But I still have the energy of noon. The sun feels extremely good on my skin. It is constantly re-invigorating me. The skin on my torso doesn't feel burnt at all. Yet. One foot in front of the other. grgrgrgl Hunger beats at my stomach. It's not quite painful. Just almost. Enough to get me to stop. Finally decide you can't run anymore? No. Don't think. Just prepare a meal. No thoughts. Here we go. A few months old granola bar and some month old jerky. Not horrible. Not great. But it did the job. Energy. Well, if not energy, then at least the hunger pains are gone. But still, I can't stay here. I have to keep moving. Why? Stay. Let it find you. I keep walking. The sun is much lower now. It feels like it's been another 5 hours. But that can't be right. The sun has only moved two hands. Two hours. Nearly sunset. Time to set up camp. There is a slight clearing over to the side, here. And a river beyond that. Tent and fire pit made. All I have to do now is dig a hole. Damn. Clumsy. The water spills around my feet. All two gallons of it. Clumsy fool. How many purification tablets do I have left? 1. How could I let it get so low? Fool. I'll just have to boil some water. Have to save the tablet. But first I need water to boil. The bank to the river is steeper than I thought. Luckily young growth litters the side. I can hold on to those and ease myself down. OK. This tree looks strong. Put my weight against it, gently now. I feel it giving. My feet go out from under me. It's all so fast. Darkness greets me. DreamI've woken up. The sound of shifting growth welcomes me. I see the stars, glimmering like a shattered mirror. The edges are encompassed by Tall shadows, their silent stance shifting in the breeze. I feel like I need to do this. I need to bury a part of myself Here. Here; And paint the memory. I'm standing there, here. I dig down with my bare feet. Shifting aside that which has been there for Ages, for what will only be there temporarily. I've done it. I've buried that which binds me here, there. 2 inches 2 inches in the soil. Just enough to cover my feet. I feel myself cooling. This fire that lights my soul is starting to merge with the ancient fire of this place. All through that which kept me there. I can't help but wiggle my toes in the soil. It brings me memories. There is a soldier buried here. His green fatigues soiled. Whatever memories he had are long gone. Or do they linger still? When I pick up his little body, I feel his story. There is no definition to life. Only what you bring to it. And for him, it was Joy. I hold him up to my face. He is green, surrounded by gold. I'm looking at a shimmering river. I've buried my feet in the loose soil. A bird, bright red, scarlet. It has landed beside me. We look at each other. He is surrounded by gold. The moon is so bright, tonight. The light warms my soul. "Hundreds of thousands of people are looking at the moon right now, with you." My mother would tell me. I would feel contentment for a moment. But then, the inevitable realization. How many of those thousands have no one? How many are wandering the darkness, looking? Aching with the deepest part of their soul, hoping to find them. Their one. So give up. I am. Is that so? They why do I see that silk thread? That thread that hangs, connecting mind to hope. I can't bring myself to cut it. Small as it is. He has no response for me. Nothing is my answer. I throw my heart there. I feel it tearing from my body. Connected solely by that silk string of hope. Maybe. Maybe someone else with a soul worth feeling. Maybe they will feel mine. See it there. You can see the hole it leaves on the moon. Maybe they'll find me. A cry, like a woman screeching echos over the forest. Shaking me out of my reverie. A shadow flits over my eyes. A bird flies between the moon and me. Must have been coyotes. Better light the fire and sit. It's as good a time as any to empty the mind, and feel. Floods"I fo" "I just was so tired of being afraid! I had been found earlier by this thing in the forest." "And then you happened to be there when I woke up!" "I just kinda broke my fear over my knee." "And chased after you!" "I didn't even know what I was gonna do when I caught you!" "Well I ha" Fluttershys ears are pinned back now, apparently I'm being very loud. Or maybe I surprised her. "I for" "d an Idea about what to do, butitwashorribleandIcan'tevenbeartopeatitandI'msosorry'msosorry" I can't see. I don't want to look at her. I can't believe I was going to e. "I forgive you." The words surprise me. I still can't look at her. My eyes refuse. "What?" "I don't know your name or who you are. I don't really understand why you attacked me. But you're truly sorry." "I forgive you." The voice is so soft. It's like... Well it's like my moms voice. I can't seem to say anything. So I lay there. Unable to say anything. Until she asks me my name. "What is your name?" It takes me a step. "Cim." The familiar word sounds strange now, spoken by a foreigner. "Cim?" Is this a dream? It sounds almost like my mom was calling me. Calling me to the dinner table. The computer monitor flickers in the dim light of my basement. Cim? What could she want now. The orange button tempts me, begging to be closed. But I deny it and simply minimize. God damn stairs. These fucking stairs. Up I go. Might have beaten my record of 2 and a half seconds on that one. There's mom. Sit down, Cim The chair drags across the hardwood flooring that is slowly coming apart. The wooden back digs into my shoulder blades. I always disliked these chairs. Cim There's been an accident. Don't tell me. Dad again? He died, Cim. I can't believe it Don't just sit there! Do you even care! I can't answer her. All I can see is the table I didn't clean off from dinner. And dad's favorite plate. It's surrounded by gold. "Cim?" "Can you untie it, Applejack?" "You sure, sugarcube?" "Yeah." "Well, alright." Her untying the knots is what shakes me from the vision. In fact my hands aren't even wet. I stand up. The rest of the rope falls off. And I lunge at Fluttershy. TrustBreathe In. Breath Out. It's a simple mask. Well, not that simple. You just have to do your best to build a curtain between who you are and who you want to be seen as. Starting from the tip top of the brain stem, grasp firmly in your mind. Pull it to the left and right while pulling it towards your nose. Following the curve of your skull, feel the cloying blanket. Now, pinch it to your Adams apple, securing it tightly. There we go, all numb, but now we need to get fuzzy too. Take your hand, and place them, palms down, on your forehead. Slide them slowly along the top of your scalp to the base of your neck. Blessed static. The world blurs for a moment. What is real? Certainly the grass you smell as you walk toward them is real. And the air, which you can taste; It has a crisp freshness in it's bite. What about those ponies I see in the distance? Well, you were laying of Fluttershy. And AJ stepped on you. So, they are real. I can't believe they are real. "I can't believe I'm really here." "At Ponyville?" Shit, I said it out loud. "Yeah, Ponyville." I guess they were watching me get close to them, and I had stopped subconsciously. "Well, Ah'm not surprised yer surprised!" "Seeing as it's one of the most famous towns in Equestria!" She looks at the top of the one building we can see from here. "It's a fine town." I can tell she is remembering something. The far off stare, the glassy eyes. I wonder what it is. It is happy, or sad? "I'd even wager it's a good model for the perfect town." She is still staring in the direction of the town. "Perfect?" Now she turns to look at me. "Ah wouldn't say perfect, we get just a tad bit more excitment than necessary." She smiles softly. "Anyway, what'er you looking fer Ponyville, fer?" "Oh, well I had heard so much about it, I just had to come see it at least." "Then why did yeh have to go through the forest?" "I got lost." She stares hard into my face. You know how I can tell you are lying, son? How? Because you won't look me in the eye when you say it. I stare back into her eyes. "Ah, well, the town is over yonder." She nods her head in the direction of the building. As if she is expecting me to go there right now. "Am I bothering you, Applejack?" "Ah, well, it's rude of me to say." She doesn't look like she doesn't want to say it. I sigh heavily. "Just tell me, Applejack." I hate when people don't tell me things. "Well, Ah don't trust alone with Fluttershy, and I need to go finish my days work." She scuffles her hooves a bit. "Well, Applejack, that is an easy fix." "I mean, if you don't trust me cause you are afraid I'll attack her again" "then I just need to go where a lot of ponies can see me."
OneEvery time my eyes open, it feels like the first time. I've never breathed quite so deeply, than when I came here. Every movement feels like I'm at my peak. To begin my story, I have to tell you that I am a... complicated sometimes insane recovering Man. And my name is Cim. I found this place, following a dream. I had been walking for weeks. I had finally given myself the motivation to plan for it. Planning, for what was probably going to be my end. I had become like blind, seeing color but not form. My mind was slipping for my efforts. So I didn't notice the change. And that in itself is amazing. An amazing declaration of the human body. And how it copes with suffering. But the change... How could I have not noticed? Now? Now, it seems like I'm on a entirely different planet. The change was... breathtaking. But enough preamble. Let us begin the story. I can feel everything beneath my shoes. I can feel every rock and root; they keep me here. They keep me, my shoes and how I feel through them, here. Here; Here, where a man was once defined by his work and the effort put into it. Here, where the sky becomes more hazy with every year. Here, where "equality" just means power to the minority. And here, where the little beauty is found there; there when the parallels form, or is it where the inspiration grows? I need to rest again. I've been walking nonstop for several hours since before dawn. There. That log, that looks semi dry. Ah, there we go. Feels good to take forty pounds off my back, every time, surprisingly; or not surprisingly, depending on how you look at it. You see, I'm trying to stop thinking... hopefully at all. Become enriched in the now. All that jazz. I've been trying for so long now. I've been trying so many different things. I call them escapes. And I've tried escaping through music. And prose. And movies. And film making. And reading. And writing. And games. And sheer learning. Through trips, planned in advanced. Through, random excursions, letting the wind guide me and my feet carry. So here I am now, several weeks into this middle ground I found. This planned, but unplanned stroll. Ha! To call it a stroll is to call the Atlantic Ocean a mere lake. But a stroll it is. For that is how far I let myself see my future. The whole trying not to think thing, remember? But I'm failing miserably at it. Because even now, I'm writing this in my mind, this inner monologue, thought in form, this... book, you might call it I write. This book is written everyday, every hour, every pause in my breath, is filled with this burden of thought. Why do I write this to myself, in the intention for others to read. This is but one of the few handful of things I don't know about myself yet... But I do know why, I just refuse to acknowledge it. DAMN THIS BURDEN. DAMN THIS INFERNAL CIRCLE OF THOUGHT. Damn me. It is time to walk again. A cliff. Here I am, there. I see down, to the water. It shines like a thread of hope. But it's so far down. What do you care? You know why you embarked here, there. You know what you hoped. Should I go down? I see no way than the one in front of me. So? You were never afraid to fall. How can one be afraid to fall, when he is already at the bottom. I can't answer, myself. Looking there, here. I paint the water there, here. In my mind. Cursed thought. Blessed memory. Thought without thinking, bubbling forth from their own will. Brings me a small measure of peace. Along with what I remember. Parallels drawn in the sand, the wave comes. Only partly gone. Movement on the brown. Blurred upwards. Shimmering gold through green. I feel myself smile. Gone now. When I feel my memory, I feel the gold. For it always is... gold. Even my pain. My first memory is of my altered perception, through red. Red surrounded by gold. Mustn't dwell, else the circle come. May I fall tomorrow. I see a trail. There, off to the side. It's an animal path. I'm going to go down it. I can remember the other trails I've found. One, leading to a forest glade, covered in canopy. Another, going to a hidden well, long broken and ruined. Yet another, a broken house, filled with memory. I hope this one leads me to something equally beautiful. There is a few broken branches here. Maybe a bear. Now, a few deer tracks. They branch off the path. A fox is here, I can smell it's musk. It is hiding from me. There! An opening in the forest! I cannot wait to see what is on the other side. Its... a field of purple flowers. There is a hill in the middle... Bare of growth at the top... There now, at the top. Strange, the growth forms a perfect ring around the barren soil. Stranger still, I can smell the richness of the soil... It's almost overpoweringly comforting and peaceful... But that may be my memory. Walking with my father, to the top of the cliff, the ground is brown and gold. I smell my grandmothers hands when she comes in from gardening, her fingernails are caked with brown and gold. I'm on the ground crying, not from physical pain. My vision is halved by blue, brown, and gold. I will meditate and sleep here at the top, tonight. Blessed stillness. My mind is still. For a moment. I hear the crack of a twig. Silence, broken. Now I must set up camp. I can feel my actions, they require no thought. More time to remember. My father is guiding my hands, setting up the family tent. The tent is grey, and gold. Success! I finally made my first fire through friction. The embers are red, and gold. A coal fell from the fire. My father sees me staring at it. He tells me, "If you pick it up and throw it fast enough, back into the fire, you won't get burned." I try it, and I succeed. I see him smiling at me. His smile is white and gold. There, all busy work is done. Food has been made, and eaten. Refuse has been buried far down wind. Dishes hung far from here. All that is left is my fire and tent. I focus on the flames until none remain. The moon is bright tonight. I see the moon and stars, and feel my memory, merge. I see blue, white, and gold. So beautiful. Time for thoughtless sleep. I dream tonight. First time in a long time. I dream of shifting worlds, and magic. There is no gold.
NewThe Birds. There is little pattern to their call. But it rouses me, just the same. The sun isn't even out yet. The air is bitter cold. I feel warm. Must be my clothes. I wish it wasn't though. I wish I had enough control. Control to be warm in cold. The best I can do is banish shivers. But that is just a mental block. Quickly placed and broken. Well. Now is as good a time to try again as any. The cotton of my shirt lays in my lap, now. Soon, my legs will be warm. But now? For now I feel the bite in the air. I feel my skin stiffening. The vibrations are coming. But no. I can practically hear the stone falling into place. The impulses crash against it. It is almost overpowering. I have enough faculty left though to at least try. Warm... The sun beats on my body. I hear the sound of waves crashing against sand. Warm... The heat bleeds into my body. The aroma of wood burning fills my senses. Warm... I feel my skin like fire. I hear my mother berate me for touching the stove. Pink surrounds my vision. I had become lost in my attempt to be stronger. The light pierces my eyes. Pain blossoms for a moment. But I simply become still. Let it pass. There. Color fills my eyes. I am reminded of how strange this place is. The circle of brown soil beneath me smells of grass, freshly wet. And the flowers? I see their purple radiance, but smell nothing. I remember telling my mother that roses have no smell. All she did was give me an odd look. Enough thought. Let the pattern begin. My pack has been re-organized. The food stored. Water full. Shoes tied tight. My shirt? Around my waist. I may put it on later. But for now? It stays there. Time to leave. I am assaulted. Not mentally or physically. No. I smell the flowers. All of them. It's perfect. I can't resist. I need to take one. Too small. Too small. Not big enough. There. On the edge of the field. That is the one. The blossom is as wide as my thumb. Perfect. It even fits perfectly. Fits snugly in the front loop on my back pack strap. Now I can smell this perfect aroma every time I pause in my step. I know it won't last long. But... I feel that it isn't supposed to. It will fade when it needs to fade. Prolonging it doesn't seem right. There is a wide path here. On either side is a wide dark tree. There isn't a knot on either of them. I've never seen as old a growth with out a defect. There is no answer here. Time to walk. I feel almost nothing but soil beneath my soles. Nary a rock. Nor root. Neither seed. But I see many leaves. The ground is anything but silent upon the steps I bear. Theory after theory unfold into my mind. But no answer. No conclusion. Best not dwell. Do what is familiar. Walk. Nothing of interest. No animal trails. Nothing. Wait. There. Exposed in the sun. Canvas spread to spill white upon green. A mat of moss. Soil like feathers. And best of all? No ants. Perfect. I can lay here a time. I fall into dreamless sleep. Silence greets me. snap
BreathI try my hardest not to freeze. Breathe... In. Out. In. Out. In. snap Out. Relax my body. In. Out. In. snap Out. Focus my mind. In. Out. In. crack. Out. I feel a presence step upon the moss bed. Their weight presses it down. Shifting me slightly. In. Out. In. Out. It steps off. In. Out. I hear a soft murmur. snap In. Out. In. Out. snap In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Silence. I sit up. Nothing has changed. Wait. No. There. In the bed. I see the scuff, torn moss shifted aside revealing the loam underneath... But that one is from me. This one. This one isn't.
SightMy vision won't stop flashing. Black White Color Black White Color Just breath damn you. I can't seem to get enough air. Refilling my lungs over and over, the strain is almost enough to vomit. Just put a hold on it, Cim. Feel the wall smashing into position. Panic beats against it. But calm takes it's place. Ok. Breath. Slowly. There. Now that I don't feel like my heart is going to leap from my chest. Let's look around. The birds. They never stopped chirping... Not even the ones in the trees right above the bed. I was noisy on the path, yeah. But not as loudly as that thing. Did it even use the path? No. I see the broken branches, here. And there. Further down the path on the other side. What ever it was didn't use the path. But I don't see the path it was using. What animal does that? Goes through unbroken land? There is always a trail.... something or other to ease passage. But I see nothing. I need to look at the moss again. Ah. Here is the mark. I can't believe I almost trampled it. It's Circular. Maybe I'm wrong. After all it's only a little segment of a circle. I don't know. I should know. Why don't you know? I can't answer. Why are you so afraid? Because I don't know what it is. And? What does that have to do with fear? Did you not, just a day ago, contemplate stepping off a cliff? Yes. What does a man who fears not death, need fear for at all. I don't want to answer. I can't answer. No. I choose not to think this. I should stop. I will stop before I lose my goal. And that goal is? To be on my Journey. To see what I may find. To make To make my story worth knowing. Those are all admirable goals. Heroic stuff, every one. But, fear. Why did you fear. Why did I fear? Why did I fear. Because I can't stop running. Coward. I know. I feel my legs start walking down the path, once again.
FoundBlack gives way to light. Pain blossoms in my body. But mainly in my head. My body groans. It's low and full of pain. How could I have done that. snap My eyes flash open. Light floods my vision. Quickly faded. Something is watching me. snap It is close. snap Getting closer. I won't be afraid this time. snap. No fear. snap What comes, will come. snap My strength has been gather. snap Pain, shunted aside. snap Now. HEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG My throat is hoarse from the bellow. But it did what I wanted. It froze the thing. Time enough to stand, quickly leaping to my feet. Almost passing out from my head wound. I spin around, the forest whirls. But there it is. It's already turning around. Getting ready to run. I can't let it get away. But, my head won't stop spinning. I lurch in it's direction. My eyes are crossed, but I see enough to know it's turned back to get a glimpse at me. What it saw must have not been pretty, because it makes a sound, like a whimper. I think it's afraid. But I'm not. I see it's figure retreating off into the distance. Either it runs really really weirdly, or it has four legs. It'd make more sense that it has four legs, considering how short it was. Stop thinking. It's getting away. No it's not. Instinct takes over my thought. I feel like I'm watching a movie. One leg in front of the other. Fast. Faster. Leap. I barely saw the log. Duck. The branch grazes my hair. On I feel myself go. Smoothly breathing. In Out. In Out. My thighs and calves, tense. Like steel. I'm gaining on it. I hear it's many footfalls. Thundering almost. My vision becomes haloed by black, or is it white? A tunnel forms. There is only my focus. I keep catching glimpses of it's tail. A dirty weathered pink. Out of the forest now. I can see it in it's full glory. It's like a dog. Its body covered is debris, and a dirty yellow. It must have been white once. It's tail and hair, a dirty pink. Leaves and sticks litter its hair. I can see it's ribs, sticking out it's sides. They are horizontal. No, diagonal. Disgusting, they shift with every step it's takes, sliding under the skin like parasites. This is no dog. It's a genetic anomaly. An albino monster. I was right to be afraid. But I need fear not, now. I am the hunter. And they prey is getting closer. I rocket forward, the open ground advantageous to me. It speeds up as well. But not enough. I'm a second from it. I feel myself growl, like a animal. Eager to eat. It hears me. It's turns it's head. It's eyes are giant. Truly, it is a monster. To know it was watching me sleep would make a man shudder in revulsion. But I see the utter terror in it's eyes. It knows the end of the ride is coming. I smile large. And leap. I land square on it. It never had a chance. In a matter of not even seconds, I have it pinned to the ground. Its muzzle fixed under my closed hand. My body resting half upon it, and half upon the ground. My legs intertwined in its. No claws on it. Strange. The thing whimpers. Fluids stream down it's face. Out of it's snout. Disgusting. I just need to know what to do with it now. I have two options. I can't tame it. So I could only let it go. Or. I can kill it. It would be easy. It's so light and frail. It wouldn't even be hard. It's runs through my mind. Twist. Snap. Feeling it last breath be squeezed out by my weight. It's heart flutter. And stop. It would make my story better if I kill it. Those who would hear it would feel my strength. I can't help but wonder how it would taste. I can't decide. I hear something grunt and feel something wrap around my neck.
RealityDarkness greets me. But I'm not out for long. My first thought is that blacking out so much probably isn't good for me. My second is that I can't open my mouth. My eyes snap open in a panic. I'm... I'm I'm wrapped in rope? Indeed I am! Wait, what? My body is tied hands to feet. My mouth is secured shut by a piece of rope tied at the top of my head that loops under my jaw at the chin. All I can see is grass. Most of what I can smell is dirt. The rest is me. Damn. I should've washed in the river, instead of knocking myself unconscious. I can't help but think of what a great adventure this was. I'm not afraid to die. Maybe the last adventure will be as good as this one. "Yah'll sure your ok?" It rings out into the silence. A bronze bell. It rings me out of my reverie. "Oh yes, thank you. I was just so scared." This one brings to mind the taste of bitter medicine administered by my mother. Shocking in it's small but impactful flavor. "Speaking of, why didn't you fly away?" "Yah'll could've flown off into the sunset, instead of tire'n yourself out running through that forest." "Oh, um, I forgot I could fly. Again." This one seems almost ashamed that it forgot. But what is it? Surely not that monster? "By tarnation, Fluttershy!" Oh wow, this one seems to be mad at the soft one. "Now, Ah tain't mad at yeh. But Ah couldn't stand to see you get hurt! And this was mighty close." Oh, I guess not. "What would Rainbow Dash do if you got hurt? Ah reckon she'd be mighty sad, and then mad." "I'm sorry." Soft seems on the verge of crying. A soft whinny breaks the silence. What? Bronze was riding a horse? "No, Ah'm sorry, sugarcube." "Ah shouldn't have spoken to you like that." "No, it was o." "Hush with that nonsense." Another soft whinny, or was it a sigh? "Ah think we both just need a hug after that little adventure." Something squeaks. "Thank you again, Applejack." Wait...no. No. No. No way. It couldn't be. I'm trying to get out of my bonds now. Something squeaks again. "Oh no!" "Yah'll stand back while ah take care of this." Something shoves me over, felt like a stick. And there they are. Ponies. And I get an eye full. Applejack is staring at me. And I, her. She looks kinda angry. I start working my jaw and wiggling my eyebrows with the little mobility I have. Hahahahaha, the look on her face! A wide shit eating grin spreads across my mug. "What in calamity is this thang doin?!" Finally the rope securing my mouth falls off. "I'm sorry!" "What, It can talk?!" I didn't think her eyes could get any bigger. "I'm sorry!" It runs out of my mouth. "I'm sorry I attacked you, Fluttershy!" I'm wiggling my body now, trying to turn around so I can see her. "Now hold up!" Applejack got over her shock and is now standing on me with one hoof. "Hold up, Just give us a minute now." "So you can talk, that right?" She is looking fairly incredulous. "Yes, ma'am." She feels a lot more sturdy than Fluttershy, judging by her weight alone. "Right." She nods slightly, looking a little more accepting of the fact. "And you say yer sorry?" She pushes down a little on my side, as if to make sure I'm telling the truth, whatever comes out. "Yes, I am, ma'am!" I'm nodding vigorously now, my ear keeps getting tickled by the grass. She lets up on her pressure. "Hrm, so yah say." "But it ain't up to me to forgive yah." She looks over me. "Now, Fluttershy, I'm gonna spin him around so he can talk to you face to face." She bites my hair. She snorts. I guess I need that shower after all. OW, she is spinning me around by my hair, dragging me around. I'm not even half way when I hear, "Wait!" "Sorry." "Don't drag him." "I'll walk" Applejack snorts again. "Thank apples, He tastes awful!" Well thanks, Applejack. "Um, can you come here Applejack?" She walks around me to Fluttershy. I hear a squeak and some whispering. And back around comes Applejack. With Fluttershy walking beside her, opposite me. She peeks over Applejacks' back once, and then disappears with whimper. Fucking Adorable. Applejack sits down a short ways in front of me. Fluttershy can't seem to decide whether to hide behind her or sit beside her. I clear my throat. She decides to hide behind Applejack. "Hello." I decide to break the ice with a classic opener. "Why did the hippopotamus talk to the penguin?" "Uhm." "Why?" She is looking at me strangely, peeking over Applejacks' hat. "He was asking for the best way to break the ice." I'm keeping my best straight face. But it doesn't work. "Uh." "I don't get it." She looks more confused now, but at least she isn't looking at me over the hat. "See, I needed to break the ice and get you to talk to me." I sigh and give a weak smile. "Oh, well it worked." She is sitting beside Applejack now. Mission Accomplished. "So, uh, yeah. I'm sorry for attacking you and chasing you through the woods." I can't look in her eyes. "..."
UntetheredOne step Two Three steps One more and I'm there. Time stops What if you died right now. All the exertion and the blows to your head brought you to a peak. And this step plunges you over it. The last thing you see is the world turning blue, then black. And now you are here. Here at this place of limbo. Waiting to die. Because you aren't dead yet, oh no. It's never that simple with you. While you fell over the world goes on. Applejack and Fluttershy brought you to Twilight. They were actually really concerned. Apparently you made more of an impression than you realized. Twilight didn't know what to think of you, or what you are. So she wrote to Celestia. And she came. She knew. But she had no way to send you back. It wasn't her magic that brought you here. But she wanted to send you back so badly. Too much of a risk, she said to Twilight. But there was nothing Celestia could do. So here you are. Hooked up to nothing but magic. Keeping you alive. And so you grow old. Stuck here. Oh, sure they visit you from time to time, usually twice a year. But they dwindle. The visits, the time spent watching you. Hoping you would wake up. Quietly hoping you would wake up while they watch. But you never do. Time flows, again. Why. Why. Why. WHY. WHY IS IT BACK. THIS CURSED THOUGHT. Curse this speeding mind. These racing thoughts. Faster than perception. Whole lives lost in the blink of my eye. For what purpose? To show me the worst possible reality? Or the most probable. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. I thought they were gone. Why is it back. "Um, what're yer doin?" That accent brings me to my senses. And I find myself on my knees. My chin is wet. My eyes are blurry, but it doesn't matter because all I see is green with two pillars of yellow rising up out of my sight. And I realize it has been a few good seconds. I try to stand. But the world spins under my hips, keeping me locked to the earth for a few moments more. So I look up at her. She is sitting, head back, eyes locked with mine. Here, on the ground, we see eye to eye. She is still afraid of me. Am I truly a monster? Something to be feared? You know the answer to that one. You wouldn't even have taken the trip if you didn't. You know you are a monster. You should have walked off that cliff when you had the chance. Useless. Waste. Kill yourse... "Fluttershy?" She squeaks. "Can I have a hug?" "..." Nothing. All she does is look at me with fear. I am a monster. "I'm sorry." Monster. I can't look at her anymore. I don't want her to see me lose my hope. I don't want her to see me cry. "I'm sorr" And she hugged me.
FloatingWhat? Why? Why is she hugging me? I don't deserve this. "I don't even know your name, friend." They ring in my ears. I didn't even introduce myself. Yet, I addressed them by name. I know better. "But I forgive you." I had given up on hoping to find kindness similar to this. I thought I was alone. Maybe the stories were true. More tears escape from my eyes. What if you shouldn't be here. No. I can't think that yet. I won't. "Fluttershy." I put my hands under her forelegs, seeing as they don't really have shoulders. I push her back. I need to see her eye to eye. Ah. She looks like she is about to start crying. Such empathy. She doesn't even know me, or my thoughts. She'll hate you when she learns. They all will. Shush. You know it's true. Be quiet! I close my eyes for a moment. I need to gather myself. I can't be a wreck of a man the entire time. The mask needs to slide back into place. A slight distancing from myself. Enough to make me feel even more alone. But it lets me through the day in public. How I hate you. Me. Coward. I know. There, I'm ready. She is still staring at me. I don't know how long it's been. Maybe an instant. A lifetime? "I'm sorry, Fluttershy. I haven't even told you my name. I'm Cim." The words slip from my tongue. When will the first one come. The first lie. No, don't lie. You can start new here. Maybe. "Hello, Cim." She still sounds a little afraid. It hurts. You deserve to be hurt. I set her down, and stand. "Will you wait here, please Fluttershy?" "Applejack?" "What fer?" She is looking at me sly. "I just need to go get my things." "Well, be quick about it." Apparently she trusts me enough to not think I'm getting weapons. Or maybe she thinks she can handle it, should it come. Either way. She sits down, after walking over to Fluttershy. "What'er yah say to ah little wait, eh Fluttershy?" Fluttershy just sits there looking at me. Maybe she sees me as this new exciting animal. She doesn't say anything. Applejack nudges her, "Huh, sugarcube?" "Oh, hmm, what?" "Oh, yes yes, I can wait." She doesn't even look at AJ. I just stand there staring at her, back. "Well, what're yer waitin, fer?" Oh, yes. I sigh and go, one leg after the other into the forest. It's easy to follow the trail we blazed, back to the river. So much broken, trod under hoof and foot. It wouldn't take much now to make this a proper trail. A little clearing, and many footfalls. One foot after the other. Don't run away. Don't run. Don't. There it is, my jug is still down by the bank. I don't want to risk slipping again. It can wait until my head clears properly. Besides, I think I have another tied to my pack. Yup. There it is. Camp. Quickly dismantled. I didn't even have to wash dishes. Heh, I didn't even have time to make food. A few pieces of orange plastic ribbon mark the trail back to the forest path. A few more mark the path along the trail we blazed, out of the forest. I step out and the open sun once again welcomes me.
LostCoward. Useless. Why do you run? Coward. Failure. The sun is many degrees from where it was. At least 5 hours. But I still have the energy of noon. The sun feels extremely good on my skin. It is constantly re-invigorating me. The skin on my torso doesn't feel burnt at all. Yet. One foot in front of the other. grgrgrgl Hunger beats at my stomach. It's not quite painful. Just almost. Enough to get me to stop. Finally decide you can't run anymore? No. Don't think. Just prepare a meal. No thoughts. Here we go. A few months old granola bar and some month old jerky. Not horrible. Not great. But it did the job. Energy. Well, if not energy, then at least the hunger pains are gone. But still, I can't stay here. I have to keep moving. Why? Stay. Let it find you. I keep walking. The sun is much lower now. It feels like it's been another 5 hours. But that can't be right. The sun has only moved two hands. Two hours. Nearly sunset. Time to set up camp. There is a slight clearing over to the side, here. And a river beyond that. Tent and fire pit made. All I have to do now is dig a hole. Damn. Clumsy. The water spills around my feet. All two gallons of it. Clumsy fool. How many purification tablets do I have left? 1. How could I let it get so low? Fool. I'll just have to boil some water. Have to save the tablet. But first I need water to boil. The bank to the river is steeper than I thought. Luckily young growth litters the side. I can hold on to those and ease myself down. OK. This tree looks strong. Put my weight against it, gently now. I feel it giving. My feet go out from under me. It's all so fast. Darkness greets me.
DreamI've woken up. The sound of shifting growth welcomes me. I see the stars, glimmering like a shattered mirror. The edges are encompassed by Tall shadows, their silent stance shifting in the breeze. I feel like I need to do this. I need to bury a part of myself Here. Here; And paint the memory. I'm standing there, here. I dig down with my bare feet. Shifting aside that which has been there for Ages, for what will only be there temporarily. I've done it. I've buried that which binds me here, there. 2 inches 2 inches in the soil. Just enough to cover my feet. I feel myself cooling. This fire that lights my soul is starting to merge with the ancient fire of this place. All through that which kept me there. I can't help but wiggle my toes in the soil. It brings me memories. There is a soldier buried here. His green fatigues soiled. Whatever memories he had are long gone. Or do they linger still? When I pick up his little body, I feel his story. There is no definition to life. Only what you bring to it. And for him, it was Joy. I hold him up to my face. He is green, surrounded by gold. I'm looking at a shimmering river. I've buried my feet in the loose soil. A bird, bright red, scarlet. It has landed beside me. We look at each other. He is surrounded by gold. The moon is so bright, tonight. The light warms my soul. "Hundreds of thousands of people are looking at the moon right now, with you." My mother would tell me. I would feel contentment for a moment. But then, the inevitable realization. How many of those thousands have no one? How many are wandering the darkness, looking? Aching with the deepest part of their soul, hoping to find them. Their one. So give up. I am. Is that so? They why do I see that silk thread? That thread that hangs, connecting mind to hope. I can't bring myself to cut it. Small as it is. He has no response for me. Nothing is my answer. I throw my heart there. I feel it tearing from my body. Connected solely by that silk string of hope. Maybe. Maybe someone else with a soul worth feeling. Maybe they will feel mine. See it there. You can see the hole it leaves on the moon. Maybe they'll find me. A cry, like a woman screeching echos over the forest. Shaking me out of my reverie. A shadow flits over my eyes. A bird flies between the moon and me. Must have been coyotes. Better light the fire and sit. It's as good a time as any to empty the mind, and feel.
Floods"I fo" "I just was so tired of being afraid! I had been found earlier by this thing in the forest." "And then you happened to be there when I woke up!" "I just kinda broke my fear over my knee." "And chased after you!" "I didn't even know what I was gonna do when I caught you!" "Well I ha" Fluttershys ears are pinned back now, apparently I'm being very loud. Or maybe I surprised her. "I for" "d an Idea about what to do, butitwashorribleandIcan'tevenbeartopeatitandI'msosorry'msosorry" I can't see. I don't want to look at her. I can't believe I was going to e. "I forgive you." The words surprise me. I still can't look at her. My eyes refuse. "What?" "I don't know your name or who you are. I don't really understand why you attacked me. But you're truly sorry." "I forgive you." The voice is so soft. It's like... Well it's like my moms voice. I can't seem to say anything. So I lay there. Unable to say anything. Until she asks me my name. "What is your name?" It takes me a step. "Cim." The familiar word sounds strange now, spoken by a foreigner. "Cim?" Is this a dream? It sounds almost like my mom was calling me. Calling me to the dinner table. The computer monitor flickers in the dim light of my basement. Cim? What could she want now. The orange button tempts me, begging to be closed. But I deny it and simply minimize. God damn stairs. These fucking stairs. Up I go. Might have beaten my record of 2 and a half seconds on that one. There's mom. Sit down, Cim The chair drags across the hardwood flooring that is slowly coming apart. The wooden back digs into my shoulder blades. I always disliked these chairs. Cim There's been an accident. Don't tell me. Dad again? He died, Cim. I can't believe it Don't just sit there! Do you even care! I can't answer her. All I can see is the table I didn't clean off from dinner. And dad's favorite plate. It's surrounded by gold. "Cim?" "Can you untie it, Applejack?" "You sure, sugarcube?" "Yeah." "Well, alright." Her untying the knots is what shakes me from the vision. In fact my hands aren't even wet. I stand up. The rest of the rope falls off. And I lunge at Fluttershy.
TrustBreathe In. Breath Out. It's a simple mask. Well, not that simple. You just have to do your best to build a curtain between who you are and who you want to be seen as. Starting from the tip top of the brain stem, grasp firmly in your mind. Pull it to the left and right while pulling it towards your nose. Following the curve of your skull, feel the cloying blanket. Now, pinch it to your Adams apple, securing it tightly. There we go, all numb, but now we need to get fuzzy too. Take your hand, and place them, palms down, on your forehead. Slide them slowly along the top of your scalp to the base of your neck. Blessed static. The world blurs for a moment. What is real? Certainly the grass you smell as you walk toward them is real. And the air, which you can taste; It has a crisp freshness in it's bite. What about those ponies I see in the distance? Well, you were laying of Fluttershy. And AJ stepped on you. So, they are real. I can't believe they are real. "I can't believe I'm really here." "At Ponyville?" Shit, I said it out loud. "Yeah, Ponyville." I guess they were watching me get close to them, and I had stopped subconsciously. "Well, Ah'm not surprised yer surprised!" "Seeing as it's one of the most famous towns in Equestria!" She looks at the top of the one building we can see from here. "It's a fine town." I can tell she is remembering something. The far off stare, the glassy eyes. I wonder what it is. It is happy, or sad? "I'd even wager it's a good model for the perfect town." She is still staring in the direction of the town. "Perfect?" Now she turns to look at me. "Ah wouldn't say perfect, we get just a tad bit more excitment than necessary." She smiles softly. "Anyway, what'er you looking fer Ponyville, fer?" "Oh, well I had heard so much about it, I just had to come see it at least." "Then why did yeh have to go through the forest?" "I got lost." She stares hard into my face. You know how I can tell you are lying, son? How? Because you won't look me in the eye when you say it. I stare back into her eyes. "Ah, well, the town is over yonder." She nods her head in the direction of the building. As if she is expecting me to go there right now. "Am I bothering you, Applejack?" "Ah, well, it's rude of me to say." She doesn't look like she doesn't want to say it. I sigh heavily. "Just tell me, Applejack." I hate when people don't tell me things. "Well, Ah don't trust alone with Fluttershy, and I need to go finish my days work." She scuffles her hooves a bit. "Well, Applejack, that is an easy fix." "I mean, if you don't trust me cause you are afraid I'll attack her again" "then I just need to go where a lot of ponies can see me."
