That time my OC got turned into a waifu

by Leondude

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Equestria Girls, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Twilight Sparkle (EqG), Slice of Life, Sunset Shimmer, Narcotics
Length: 14135

A drug-abusing, morally ambiguous unicorn stallion gets transported into another world and turned into a very attractive human female. He has mixed feelings about this but would rather go back home.

It was another average day in Equestria until a morally ambiguous, but otherwise surprisingly nice, unicorn stallion fell into some quicksand while high out of his mind. But what he didn't expect was to suddenly turn into a very pretty human lady.

He has mixed feelings about this.

Special thanks to NicLove for giving me the idea:

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/151/supporting-original-characters/thread/416375/lets-make-our-ocs-into-as-a-waifu

Edited by DmitriTheWriter.

Published 2020-03-14 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-10-26 19:23:31 UTC

Chapter 1 - Another average day

Lion Dude was many things. A writer, a voice actor, a sorcerer, a perverted alcoholic with a penchant for dominating the minds of pretty mares like Fleur Dis Lee and Sassy Saddles. Yeah, he had unusual tastes.

Lion Dude sat in his study, stuck on what to write next. His study had a nautical theme to it, with the floor being navy blue and the walls being a variety of blues and yellows. There were also a few sponges here and there too, mementoes from his pirating days. He gave up piracy when his ship sank after somepony fired a massive wooden pony statue filled with sailor ponies at his ship. And they weren't the sexy magical sailor ponies most people would think of, as he could easily attest.

Lion sighed as he stared at the blank parchment before him.

"You know what I really need?" he said to himself "Something to help me focus."

Lion pondered on what could help him focus on his work. And then, it hit him.

"Coffee!"

Lion poured himself a cup of coffee and drank it, only to immediately spit it out and cough.

"Just remembered something," he said to himself "I don't even like coffee!"

Lion pondered on what to do again. Another idea popped into his head. This time, it was something he definitely liked.

"Meditation!"

Lion sat on his bed with his hindlegs crossed and his forelegs in the air."

"Ommm.....ommm....ommm....ommm...ummm, this isn't working."

Lion pondered on what to do next.

"Uh...Champagne?"

Lion sat at a table and downed an entire bottle of champagne, only to immediately grab his throat afterwards and let out a pained rasp.

"It burns!" he said raspily.

After enough boredom and uncomfortableness, it finally occurred to him what would be the best way to help him focus.

"Aha!" he announced "I got it! It's all so simple! I just needed the right music."

Lion sat on the floor of Octavia and Vinyl Scratch's house, more specifically on Vinyl's side of the house, poison joke pipe in hoof. He also wore a pair of Vinyl's wireless headphones.

"The right music to get off my nut to."

He cast a small fire spell on where the crushed up poison joke leaves were in order to spark up the pipe. When the pipe was lit up, he put it in his mouth and took in a big breath as 'Poison Joke ft Bob E-Qine' played on the headphones. As he exhaled, he felt a lot more lightheaded.

"Woo, that's nice. Definitely feeling the inspiration coming in. Right, where did I put that note?"
Lion tried to get up. As he did so, he wobbled around every which way, courtesy of the poison joke intoxication causing him to lose balance. He then found the note right under the door. The note read like this:

Dear Vinyl

I borrowed one of your headphones. I promise to give them back as soon as I am done writing and tripping balls, whichever one I'm done with first.

Lion Dude

"What are you doing there, you cute little note?" Lion cooed "Vinyl isn't gonna read you if you're down there and covered by the door."

Lion opened the door, only for the note to get carried away by the wind.

"Hey, come back!" Lion said playfully as he made chase after the note.

As Lion chased after the note, the world around him spiralled and shrank as the note got sucked up into a black hole that spontaneously appeared.

"Wee!" Lion cried out as he ran up the curved walls that the world around him was turning into. His sounds of excitement echoed around him. As he kept trotting, his leg got stuck. Then another leg. And another leg. And another leg until all four of his legs are stuck. He got pulled down from where he was as he felt the earth collapse beneath him. He screamed as he fell, his screams echoing through the decaying world.

Then everything faded to black.

Lion Dude woke up in a tropical jungle of some sort, with palm trees, coconuts, vines and a pit of quicksand right next to him. His head felt like someone replaced his brain with a small rock and shook it about every which way. He lifted one of his hooves up to his head. And when he did so, he realized his hoof looked different, like somepony replaced it with a flat fleshy thing with four slender sausages and one chubby sausage attached to it.

"Okay?" Lion said to himself with a tinge of anxiety in his voice "I'm still tripping, aren't I?"

Noticing his voice changed from the raspy, if slightly high-pitched, baritone he usually has into a female contralto, Lion grabbed onto his throat in surprise. He noticed the sausage things attached to what were once his hooves have wrapped themselves around the front of his neck.

"What the...?!"

Deciding to look for any water source he could find so he could see his reflection, Lion trotted further into the forest. He found a beach near the end of his travel. As he looked into the sea, as soon as the waves stopped, he noticed his entire physical appearance had changed. While he still had his long red mane, his beard was gone entirely and he had more feminine features to him. He also noticed that he looked less like a pony and more like some sort of ape. An ape with a very generous chest size and, in spite of keeping his long messy mane, was almost practically hairless. He also noticed that he was wearing a white brassiere of sorts. After a few stumbles and clumsy attempts, he managed to get up on his new hindlegs to see what his backside looked like. His bushy tail was missing and in its place was a pair of white underpants. While he found the sight to be strangely attractive, he was still freaked out that he turned into a female ape thing.

"Well, the DJ PON-3 festivals were fun, but now I'm paying for it."

Author's Note

And so our adventure that is essentially an R-rated (or 15-rated where I live) Equestria Girls with a little hint of The Little Mermaid begins.

In case you didn't figure out what Lion Dude looked like, he's my profile pic. Oh, and he also had a cameo in Spike's totally not creepy obsession with Fluttercord.

For the record, STNCOWF and TTMOCGTIAW are in different continuities.

Chapter 2 - Seabound

Lion Dude observed his new form, one part trying to figure out what exactly he turned into, the other part being oddly aroused by it. A parrot flew in and landed beside him. While Lion wasn't the best at reading people, he could tell that the parrot was staring at him lustfully.

"Brawk! Pretty waifu alert!" the parrot squawked, "Brawk!"

"Is that what I turned into?" Lion asked the parrot.

The parrot wolf-whistled at Lion.

"I'm going to take that as a 'yes'," Lion deadpanned.

While he liked it when anypony considered him attractive, Lion found it weird that a parrot of all creatures was paying him compliments and it's for a form that wasn't his usual appearance. Slowly getting annoyed at the pervy parrot, not that he was one to judge, Lion decided to explore the beach he was on in the hope of finding a boat or anything that can get him off of the island he was on. While the more sensible idea would be to find a way back home, he figured he would treat this more like an adventure. Ironically though, in spite of a hunger for adventure, he preferred the comfort of his own home and his legs tend to get sore after too much walking. The sun was shining and, in spite of Lion barely wearing anything on his now almost hairless body, he felt like the weather was scorching. And since there was no drinkable water in sight, along with certain drugs making people dehydrated, chances are he is going to be a very thirsty stallion. Or rather a stallion that turned into a very thirsty, and surprisingly attractive, female ape. After what felt like an hour, he found a raft surrounded by a group of tall male ape things that were dressed as sailors and were definitely more hairy than his new female form.

"Greetings, my fellow waifus!" Lion said to the group of sailors, "I am totally not a stallion that got turned into a female waifu. You can trust me."

The group of hairy ape sailors looked at Lion, with one of them giving a wolf whistle his way.

"Hello, gorgeous," one of the sailors said perversely, "Want to hang out with some lads, do ya?"

"Not particularly. I was wondering if I could get a ride to...uh...somewhere that has weird magical happenings going on?"

The sailors looked at one another in order to think of what place in the world would have weird magical going-ons. A variety of places came to mind, like Disneyland, the North Pole, and Florida. Problem with those guesses were there was more than one Disneyland, the North Pole is freezing cold, and Florida is just weird. Suddenly, they came to a shared realization.

"Oh, you're on about that school!" one of the sailors said, "Canterlot High, wasn't it?"

Recognizing the name 'Canterlot', Lion assumed that's where he must go. While he didn't deny such a name was convenient and hearing it from a group of strangers even more so, he was in no mood to care about how contrived the whole thing was.

"Yes, that's the one," Lion replied.

"Yeah, I read a lot of weird stuff going on in that place," the sailor said, "What with one of the students turning into a she-devil, a battle of the bands that took a supernatural turn, another student nearly destroying the world. You don't hear stuff like that happening in Florida, do you?"

"Well, any chance you could take me there now? I'm a bit thirsty and I don't think there's anything to drink around here."

The sailor smirked at Lion. "Oh, you're thirsty, are ya?"

"Yes. That's what I just said."

"I know a way of quenching that thirst."

The sailor pointed at his crotch and thrusted. Lion looked at the sailor in confusion before realizing what he was doing.

"Oh," Lion said.

Lion walked up to the sailor and slapped him hard across the face.

"I'm not sure I deserved that," the sailor said.

Lion walked over to the raft, pushed it into the sea, hopped in, and fired up its engine.

"You know," Lion said to the pervy sailor, "If I had fingers, I'd show you one."

Lion looked at his hands and raised his arms in the air with both of his middle fingers extended.

"Oh wait, I do!"

As Lion zoomed off in the raft, the sailor stared on as he realized he messed up, with the other sailors looking at him in annoyance.

"I may have deserved that," the sailor said.

Lion inexplicably reversed the raft and threw a flare gun to the sailors.

"Since I assume not all of you are perverts, I figured you guys might need it."

Lion zoomed off again. While he has no idea where Canterlot High is, he figured he'd just keep travelling until he sees some familiar faces. The raft engine coughed and spluttered before ceasing completely. And that's when Lion realized he is now stranded in the middle of the sea with no way to call for help because he thought it would be wise to give the flare gun to those sailors.

"Aw, phooey!" Lion shouted loudly.

Deep within the darkest reaches of the ocean was a cave. The cave was a dark purple in colour and was littered with oyster shells. Within the cave was a nasty ugly looking creature that vaguely looked human but with the back of a manatee and electric eels for hair. The creature's lower half looked like a mix between a cuttlefish and a dress. The creature was in a slumber, until a small anchovy swam into the cave through inexplicable means. The anchovy's swimming was enough to wake the creature as it opened one of its blood-red eyes and looked at the anchovy with a sinister smirk. Without warning, the creature opened its mouth filled with white pearly blades, swam towards the anchovy with its mouth open and snapped it shut as it swallowed the anchovy whole.

"Life's not fair, is it?" the creature spoke as it picked up one of the empty oyster shells "Back in the day, I had ponies swooning all over me and giving me delight after delight as I lived like a queen."

The creature swam onto its back, emphasizing its very rotund body.

"And now look at me, wasting away in exile as everyone on the surface enjoys the pleasures that were once mine."

As the creature continued to self-pity, it noticed something all the way at the top of the sea that was floating still. From where it looked, the thing it stared at looked like a raft. Either that or an unusually-shaped turtle.

"My my, sounds like we've got somebody who's lost their way too." the creature smirked. "Good."

Author's Note

If you're wondering why the narration refers to other human beings as waifus, that's because Lion thinks that's what humans are called.

Guess he didn't pay much attention in biology then. :rainbowlaugh:

Chapter 3 - An Unusual Deal

Lion Dude sat in the raft he stole, bored out of his gourd. He could have tried swimming to his destination but, since he didn't know exactly where his destination was, he probably would have died from exhaustion or drowned if the exhaustion didn't kill him. To say he didn't think any of this through would be an understatement.

As Lion lied down to rest on his predicament, a big blob-like creature rose from the water and landed on the boat, soaking him to the bone. If the sailors were here to see that, they would have been very aroused by how silky and shiny Lion looked in his now wet feminine form. Lion looked closer at the creature that emerged from the ocean and noticed that it looked like the offspring of a draconequus and a manatee, and had what appeared to be a massive cuttlefish for a dress. It actually had a resemblance to Lion's current form but far more grotesque.

"Oh, deary me," the creature spoke in a raspy but certainly feminine tone, "What's a pretty thing like you doing lost at sea?"

Lion let out a nervous chuckle. "Funny story about that," he said while rubbing the back of his head, "I did some drugs, somehow got teleported into another world and turned into whatever this is."

Lion, after some difficulty, stood up and gestured at his voluptuous vessel. The creature before him hummed in a way that indicated she wanted to eat Lion. Or at least that was what Lion interpreted it as.

"You say you got transformed into your current appearance?" the creature asked.

"Yeah. I'm actually a unicorn stallion."

The creature raised an eyebrow, to which Lion shrugged.

"It's complicated," Lion said casually.

"Well, you certainly had better luck than I ever did when I first came here," the creature said self-pitifully, "I was once a star and now here I am, my most basic of privileges robbed from me."

The creature hopped onto the boat back-first, her arm positioned near her head as she did so.

"Oh, woe is me," the creature lamented.

"I'm guessing you're not from around here as well," Lion said.

"Oh, where are my manners?" the creature spoke, "I am Málóisáile, but you can call me Sally. Everyone does. I was once a pony like you, a mare to be precise, but I got unfairly banished to another world."

"Okay, I believe you," Lion said.

"Good. Ah, but luckily for me, I still possess some of my magic." Sally used her magic to conjure a ball of water from her hands.

"I trust that's drinking water," Lion said as he pointed at the water ball.

"You appear to be parched, my displaced acquaintance. Summoning a water ball as a demonstration of my power is the least I can do. Kill two birds with one stone, as they say."

Lion dunked his head into the water ball and began drinking his currently womanly weight in it. After drinking all the water he can, he sat back down and let out a large belch.

"Pardon me," Lion said.

"Do not fret, mon petit personne," Sally replied, "I personally consider manners to be overrated."

Sally leaned closer to Lion. "But that's not the only thing I can do," Sally added with a grin.

"Let me guess, you know a way to get to Canterlot High and therefore a way back home?" Lion said.

Sally gasped in an exaggerated manner. "I never said that! But yes, I do know a way to Canterlot High."

"Good because I'd be really bummed out if you didn't. Gotta move the plot somehow, you know."

"The what?"

"Plot. You know, as in story. No relation to a pony's rump," Lion said.

"Oh, you think this is a fairy tale, do you?"

"I live in a world where most problems are solved by a sextet of ponies, one of which being a princess, firing rainbow lasers. If that doesn't sound like a fairy tale, I don't know what the Tartarus does." Lion blushed a little bit. "Although it wouldn't hurt to admit I have a crush on one of them."

Sally leaned in closer, her grin growing wider and surprisingly more sinister. "Oh, do you now?"

"Yep. Twilight Sparkle. She's the princess in the group. I caught my first glimpse of her during my pirating days and, knowing there's now another alicorn princess, I decided to investigate further. And lo and behold, I just adore her personality! I mean, beauty to go with her brains?! That is a rare combination!"

Lion squeed in delight, then slumped down melancholically.

"But I doubt she'd want to pursue a relationship with me, what with being occupied with her routines and her lists and her royal duties. While she has been known to accept those with a morally questionable past, I doubt she's into someone who, more often than not, does morally questionable things without turning back."

"Oh, you poor unfortunate soul," Sally said while caressing Lion's chin, to which Lion moved away and pushed away Sally's hand.

"I wouldn't consider myself that unfortunate. Just the occasional bout of self-pity," Lion said.

"Well, what if I told you that not only can I help you find a way back home, but I can help you get Twilight Sparkle?"

"If it involves mind-control, no thanks,” Lion said, “And, for the record, I have performed mind-control spells before but I do not wish to do so on Twilight. Her mind is part of her beauty and I don't want to ruin that by subjugating it."

"Like how a scoundrel such as yourself came in possession of stunning good looks by chance?" Sally deadpanned.

"Hey, at least I'm a smart scoundrel," Lion retorted.

"Of course, you are," Sally said patronizingly, "Now, here's the deal."

"Of course, there's a deal."

"What do you mean?"

"There's always a deal with you monster types."

Sally glared at Lion, to which Lion scooched back and raised his arms defensively.

"Uh...no offence," Lion whimpered.

Sally conjured an image of an ape creature that looked suspiciously like Twilight. She wore a pair of glasses that actually enhanced her attractiveness. Lion stared at the illusion in awe, believing that there is a waifu version of his crush.

"There is another Twilight," Sally explained, "One with a past as sordid as yours. And, like yourself, she used to be an outcast."

Lion pondered on what Sally said for a moment. "How sordid?" he asked.

"She once turned into a she-devil and nearly destroyed the world. That's probably worse than anything you've ever done, don't you think?"

"Yeah, that is pretty nasty,” Lion said,. “This world must be crueller than Equestria if their version of Twilight would resort to something like that."

"Oh, it is. The people of this world are so easily corrupted as well as corrupt. If it weren't for my beastly looks, I would be right at home in this place. Oh, but we're getting off-topic, aren't we." Sally leaned towards Lion again. "Here's the deal. I transport you to Equestria and you get this Twilight to fall for you. As in she has to kiss you. And not just any kiss. A kiss of true love."

Sally conjured a love heart to emphasize her point.

Lion raised a finger. "Yeah, that sounds good and all but there's just one small problem."

"What?" Sally asked in an annoyed tone.

"I'm...not good with physical contact,” Lion said, “Especially sexual contact."

"Pardon?"

"The thought of intercourse, fellatio, hoofing, even kissing, revolts me. I'm fine with masturbation, but everything else, bleh!"

Sally just stared at Lion unamused. "You are a weird stallion, you know that, right?" she asked.

"No kidding."

Author's Note

Meet Sally. As one could probably guess, she is based off of Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

Hey, I did say this story has a little hint of The Little Mermaid after all.

Chapter 4 - Getting High at Canterlot High

Lion sat at the proverbial edge of his seat, listening to the deal Sally was offering him.

"Now, if you get just one small peck on the lips, no tongue necessary, before the full moon," Sally explained, "I will allow you passage back into Equestria. And not only that, but I will throw in something to turn you back into the handsome stallion you once were."

"While the thought of what I would look like as a mare intrigues me, I personally would like my beard back. As well as my sexy baritone."

Sally leaned in even closer, once more invading Lion's personal space. Lion thought, if the sea witch came any closer to the point of smothering him with her mammaries, he was going to spew.

"Have we got a deal?" Sally asked Lion.

"I dunno," Lion replied. "Sounds like it benefits me way more than it does you. What's the catch?"

"Well, there is one small catch. While I love playing matchmaker, who doesn't?"

"I don't," Lion butted in.

"There is one little thing I want and that is my good looks back," Sally continued. "And since your current form is so beautiful...."

Sally chuckled as a look of horror spread across Lion's face.

"No!" Lion shouted as he got up. "No! I am not having you bodyjack me just on the off-chance I fail that stupid deal!"

"Oh, you are so presumptuous," Sally said playfully. " I never said anything about stealing your body." Sally got up and eyed Lion's extremely tight arse. "Although I won't deny it would be nice to traipse around in it in its current condition."

Sally raised a hand and spanked Lion, which emitted a whimper of surprise from Lion.

"I'm merely going to take away your good looks," Sally explained. "You know, so I can restore myself to my true natural beauty."

"Oh," Lion said, "well, that's even worse."

"True. But it would be worth it if you can get your girl, as well as go home, of course." Sally summoned a scroll and unveiled it to reveal a contract. "Just sign here, here, and here," Sally said while pointing at the relevant places on the scroll.

Sally conjured up a pen and handed it to Lion.

"I trust you know how to put those fingers to work," Sally said.

Lion tried to grab onto the pen, only for it to slip out of his hands and fall into the ocean.

"Way to go, butterfingers," Sally deadpanned. "You know, it's honestly amazing that you can start up a boat motor, throw a flare gun to a bunch of sailors and even throw an obscene gesture their way and yet you can't sign a bloody contract."

"You know, the whole 'waifu' thing is a lot harder than it looks," Lion said defensively.

"Well, if you still had your stallionhood, that would definitely be the case," Sally said with a chuckle.

Sally conjured up another pen and put it in Lion's mouth. While Lion doesn't use his mouth as much as everypony else, except for talking, but even then not as much as everypony else, he managed to use it to messily sign his name onto the contract. His mouthwriting proved to be even worse than his magicwriting, which is impressive since his magicwriting was pretty bad in that the letters were larger than how most normal ponies write and wasn't even in cursive.

"There," Lion said with the pen still in his mouth. "Now what?"

"Have a nice day," Sally said affably.

Once again, everything got sucked up into a dark vortex. Recognizing the situation, Lion knew what was going to happen next.

Lion jolted awake on grassy ground. He put his hand to his head in an attempt to alleviate his now splitting headache.

"Oh man, that was a weird trip," Lion said to himself.

As Lion pulled his hand away, he realized it had not turned back into a hoof yet, much to his annoyance.

"Nope. Still actually happened," Lion said matter-of-factly.

Lion slowly got up and observed his surroundings. There were rows of houses that he presumed were made of brick and a long black road. If Lion didn't know any better, he would have presumed he somehow teleported to Manehatten. As she walked forward, she encountered a green waifu with red dreadlocks and violet eyes. She was wearing a flowery hat and a dressing gown that matched her eyes. It reminded him of a pony whose brother just so happened to be his dealer, Geronimo.

"Radical to meet you, martian lady," the green waifu said to Lion.

"Huh?" Lion asked in response.

"Your aura. It just feels so alien, dude."

"How do you know my last name?"

"Wait. Your name is Dude?"

"Lion Dude, to be precise."

"Nice. I'm Tree Hugger."

Lion widened his eyes with the realization that the waifu before him is this world's equivalent of Geronimo's sister. Tree Hugger tucked her hand into one of her pockets and pulled out a blunt. Lion stared at the blunt the same way a dog would to a strand of cheese or a piece of chocolate.

"You seem really cool, dude," Tree Hugger said. "Wanna toke?"

Lion and Tree Hugger sat behind the school enjoying their respective joints. They stared absent-mindedly at the clouds, basking in their fluffiness.

"Isn't it weird that there are people who live in the clouds?" Lion asked.

"Yeah, it's pretty radical," Tree Hugger replied. "Do you ever feel like going up into the clouds and, like, rolling around in them? I bet it would feel like the fluffiest mattress ever."

Lion and Tree Hugger laughed at the thought of the both of them rolling around in the clouds stark-naked. At the corner of Tree Hugger's eye, she saw Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna walking around the school grounds.

"Oh shit, the fuzz," Tree Hugger said. "I gotta go, dude. Cool meeting you."

Lion giggled at Tree Hugger's utterance of the word "shit". It was such a funny word. It was so funny, he felt like he could make a song out of it. After all, it was an Equestrian tradition to burst into random song and dance numbers.

Shit-titty doo-dee, shit-titty dee-day
Oh my, oh my, I had a shit-titty day

For a second, Lion saw what he thought was Celestia turning her head and looking at him for a second.

"Shit!"

Quick as a flash, he threw away his toke and made a run for it. Unfortunately, while making his escape, he bumped into someone. The clashing of waifus caused Lion to fall flat on his perfectly formed arse and the person he bumped into to drop her books.

"Oh, man," Lion said nervously. "I am so sorry about that. I was in a rush and I didn't see where I was going and...uh...like...I'm uh, I'm new around here so...uh."

Lion got a closer look at the individual he bumped into and noticed that it was the alternate Twilight Sparkle the sea witch told him about. She was even more beautiful in person, with the sunlight shining on the rims of her glasses.

"It's fine," Twilight replied. "I've gotten used to it during my time at Crystal Prep."

Twilight held out a hand and helped Lion Dude up.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Lion Dude," Lion replied.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Lion's answer. Being high as a kite and having difficulty reading people even when not high, it took Lion a while to realize that such a masculine name was unfitting for his female form.

"Lion Dude?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah...uh...it's uh like uh," Lion stammered out "Like a nickname! My uh full name is Lioness Dudette."

"Okay?" Twilight replied. "Uh...hello, Lion, my name is-"

"Twilight Sparkle. I know who you are. You hang out with uh...those guys...with the magical rainbow lasers."

Twilight sniffed the air. "Is that cannabis on your breath?"

"No," Lion replied hastily, "I just uh have...really bad breath. It is tradition where I come from to have appalling dental hygiene. How do you even know what cannabis smells like anyway?"

"I experimented with it once," Twilight said. "Thought it might help with my anxiety but it instead made it worse. I suppose that's what happens when you borrow your brother's keys for the evidence room and take a random bag of cannabis out."

"Yeah, I suppose it depends on how your brain works and what type of weed you're taking. Most people are chill AT when using it while others get fits of paranoia and even hallucinate weird shit."

"Yeah, that's kind of true."

Both Lion and Twilight looked around awkwardly.

"Well, I better get to class," Twilight said. "I have history and Doctor Whooves tends to get annoyed with students that are even just a minute late."

"Wait, there's a teacher here that's also a doctor?"

"You'd be surprised how some schoolteachers have doctorates."

"Yeah, you'd think a doctor would be lecturing in a college or a university somewhere rather than waste his time in your average high school."

"Oh trust me, this school isn't average. But at least it isn't as mean as Crystal Prep."

Both Lion and Twilight laughed at the latter's math joke.

"Well, I better get going too," Lion said. "I'll see ya when I see ya."

As Twilight walked away, Lion sighed a breath of relief. While their first meeting was incredibly awkward, he felt like he could very easily seduce her in no time. Unfortunately, his happy thoughts were cut short by one very noticeable spanner in the works:

He was a girl.

Author's Note

Happy National Marijuana Day.

Wait...

What do you mean it was on Monday?!

What do you mean I made a blog post about it on that very day?!

Chapter 5 - Toiling in the Toilets

"Fuck!"

Lion punched the wall of the girl's restrooms, frustrated at the little oversight he had made. Even if this world's Twilight was gay or bisexual, he would have had no way of knowing that at the moment. He walked into one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet seat. Just when he thought he was alone, the toilet he was under started bubbling. He jumped up from the toilet and, as the water in the toilet bubbled and swirled, it eventually formed a visage of Sally.

"Problem, Lion?" Sally asked in a coy tone.

"Of course, there's a problem!" Lion replied. "I don't know what Twilight's sexual preference is!"

"And was that really something to get so worked up about?"

"What? Oh, don't tell me you knew and didn't bother telling me!"

"If I did tell you, you'd probably demand having your stallionhood back sooner."

"Of course, she'd be into guys." Lion sulked in the stall he was in, knowing how screwed he was in his current predicament.

"However," Sally stated, "Even if she is with a guy, it's nothing official from what I can gather. And even if it is, I can assure you Timber Spruce isn't that different from you so trust me when I say you won't have to work hard to gain her affections."

"Well, Timber Spruce does sound like a stoner name. But there's still the matter of this!" Lion gestured to his fine feminine form, to which Sally hummed lecherously.

"Mmm," Sally said suggestively, "Yes, that is quite the problem alright. But who's to say you and Twilight can't...experiment, shall we say?"

Lion pondered on what Sally said while Sally continued staring at Lion's buxom body.

"What if this doesn't work?" Lion asked.

"Well, that's your problem," Sally retorted, "Not mine."

"Don't you want this relationship to set sail? You said it yourself, you like to play matchmaker."

"True, but I also want my looks back. And, I must admit, beauty trumps hot lesbian action. Not that I would mind some." Sally chuckled, much to Lion's annoyance.

"You know, Sally," Lion said, "The only reason why I made this deal with you was because the plot demanded it! Anypony with a brain knows that making deals with shady guys and sea witches is a bad idea."

"And yet you also got high as a kite because 'the plot demanded it'," Sally retorted.

"That's different. I like getting high and I didn't expect to chase after a note that got caught in a draft and wind up getting stuck in quicksand!"

Sally just stared at Lion.

"It makes sense in context!" Lion shouted.

The toilet doors opened, to which the visage of Sally dissipated from the waters of the toilet Lion was occupying. As he hid behind the closed door of the stall he was in, he could hear two girls talking.

"Rainbow Dash is so lucky!" one girl said.

"What do you mean?" the other girl asked.

"I heard Sunset Shimmer has feelings for her."

"And?"

"Bacon-haired, bisexual, biker chick!"

"Are you, like, still talking about Dash or are you now talking about Sunset?"

"Sunset, duh! She's, like, the unicorn of schoolgirls!"

"Yeah, she does sound like an awesome date to have."

"And she saved the world on several occasions. Sure, she once tried to enslave the school but no-one's perfect. Not even a goddess like her!"

Oh, great, Lion thought to himself, I now have to listen to two generic bitches whinnying on about stuff I could not give a-

Before Lion could finish that thought, he had the misfortune of sneezing loudly in the middle of the girls' conversation. The girls turned towards the stall.

"Uh..." Lion said awkwardly, "You girls wanna play a game of Battleshits?"

Later on in the day, Lion stood outside the history class that was being taught by Doctor Whooves. Lion still couldn't help but be amused that a doctor was spending his time in a high school rather than working somewhere where a large portion of the students weren't hormonal ignoramuses. When he heard the bell rang, he quickly hid beside the door and waited for everybody to pass through. Considering how prone to sensory overload Lion was, which he managed to dull down by either wearing headphones or getting utterly smashed beforehand, the loudness of the bell was enough for him to bring his hands to his ears. As he did so, he noticed a familiar sextet accompanied by a girl with hair the colour of crispy bacon walk out of the classroom. As they continued walking, Lion followed suit.

"Uh, hi, Twilight," Lion said nervously to Twilight "It's me, Lion Dude."

Sunset looked towards Twilight.

"You know her?" she asked Twilight.

"We bumped into each other this morning," Twilight replied.

"I see," Sunset said in a concerned tone.

Sunset looked at Lion suspiciously, to which Lion misinterpreted as Sunset checking him out. And given how she fits the description of 'bacon-haired bisexual biker chick', even though he has yet to see her own a motorcycle, he wasn't surprised that she'd be checking out his feminine form. As they continued walking to their next destination, both Lion and Sunset got caught in the crowds and lost their balance along the way.

While Sunset was lucky enough to avoid falling flat on her face by landing on her left hand Black Widow- style, Lion had the misfortune of landing breast-first into Sunset's right hand. And in the most convoluted yet sexy of scenarios, Sunset began to read Lion's mind. She could see all of Lion's most happiest of memories as well as his most painful of memories.

On the happy side of things was whenever he was stalking Princess Twilight, his days as a pirate, and when he was off his nut. And on the not so happy side of things was Magic Kindergarten, being told off and yelled at for not understanding the rules quicker than the other foals, as well as all the times he had writer's block. She felt the variety of emotions Lion had felt at various times in his life. Infatuation, ecstasy, pain, melancholy.

Overwhelmed by Lion's thoughts, Sunset quickly pulled her hand away. Lion meanwhile just managed to get back up. When Sunset came to, she noticed the rest of the girls staring at her, checking to see if she's alright.

"Are you okay?" Twilight asked.

"I'm fine," Sunset replied, "I just need a quick talk with Lion in private."

Lion smiled at the implications. Unfortunately for him, he was about to realize how badly he misread the situation as soon as Sunset had finished dragging him by the arm to the little girl's room.

Author's Note

Fun fact, Sunset is actually bi:

https://www.equestriadaily.com/2019/09/sunset-shimmer-is-bi-according-to-k.html

Well, at least according to that guy. :twilightsmile:

Chapter 6 - An Explanation Owed

Sunset dragged Lion into the girls' toilets. It hadn't changed much the last time he visited it. He smiled before turning away awkwardly, due to eye contact not really being his thing.

"So..uh?" Lion said, trying to find his words. "While I think you are pretty and I like the attention...uh..."

"I know," Sunset replied bluntly.

"Know what? What do you know?" Lion asked.

"That you're actually a unicorn stallion who got teleported to this world and turned into a girl after getting high."

Lion sighed. "Yep, that's basically it."

While Lion smiled awkwardly, Sunset crossed her arms and frowned at Lion. "I also know you have been spying on Princess Twilight Sparkle."

"Well, I wouldn't say spying. It's more stalking, actually."

"That's not better," Sunset said.

"Hey, I've done worse!"

"Like mind-controlling Fleur Dis Lee for your own perverted ends?"

Lion stared at Sunset blankly. "Uh..."

Before Lion had the chance to speak, Sunset walked up to him and slapped him across the face.

"I deserved that," Lion said bluntly.

"I'd say you deserved more but, looking at you now, I think that more than covers it."

Lion looked down at his voluptuous vessel as Sunset chuckled.

"Ha ha," Lion said sarcastically, "So, since you now know everything, are you gonna help me or what?"

"I'm gonna help you," Sunset said.

"Wait, you are?"

"I've done bad things too so I can relate. Maybe not as bad as what you did-"

"Bullshit!" Lion suddenly shouted.

"Huh?"

"If you saw my memories, then you would know that a sailor told me about how two of the students turned into she-devils. And since this Twilight nearly destroyed the world, from what I've been told, I would assume you've done something just as bad. While with me, the worst I did was use possession and mind-control spells on supermodels, stalk Princess Twilight Sparkle, sail around Equestria pillaging and looting, and getting off my nut on very illegal substances!"

Sunset sighed. "If you must know, before Princess Twilight and I became friends, I stole her Element of Magic, turned most of the school into my brainwashed army, and acted like a bitch to those that would later on become my friends."

"Yep. Definitely more evil than what I did. Word of advice, Sunset. Stick to low-level crimes, that's what I do."

"Right, because stalking royalty is 'low-level'," Sunset responded sarcastically, air quotes and all.

"One, I was just following her around. It's not like I was gonna assassinate her or anything. And two, you stole from royalty! That's actually worse than following somepony around, I promise you that!"

Before Lion could ramble some more, a thought popped into his head. "Wait! You said you stole the Element of Magic from Princess Twilight herself. How did you do that?"

Sunset walked Lion to the horse statue in front of the school.

"So, let me get this straight," Lion said to Sunset, "I go through the thingy holding up this statue and wake up in Princess Twilight's castle."

"Yep. It used to open up every thirty moons but, after Twilight found a workaround, you can use it any time you like."

"Uh-huh. That sounds good and all but there's just one little problem left unresolved," Lion said.

"What?"

Lion jumped angrily and threw his arms down at his sides, emphasizing his curvaceous appearance. "I'm still a girl!"

"I'm sure Twilight would have something for that."

"And how am I supposed to ask her to turn me back to normal? 'Hey, I smoked some poison joke and somehow turned into a mare, can you help me?'."

Sunset stared at Lion in utter bewilderment. "You smoked poison joke?"

"Yep."

"As in the plant known for having silly but at-times dangerous side-effects?"

"Yep."

"And you knew this while you were smoking it?"

"Hey, Twilight's not the only one that's fond of experiments."

As Lion grinned like an idiot, Sunset just facepalmed at the absolute violation of common sense Lion had committed.

"I'm not even gonna ask how you're still standing," Sunset said.

"Don't act that surprised, Sunset," Lion deadpanned, "You read my mind, remember?"

"I may have skimmed some details. By the way, the inhabitants here are called 'humans', not 'waifus'."

Lion paused for a moment. "Then why did the parrot call me a waifu?"

Sunset and Lion sat at one of the computers in the school library. Lion stared in awe at the modern art masterpieces he witnessed through this thing called 'Google Images'. Sunset meanwhile just had her head in her hand, trying but failing to suspend her disbelief. How was it that she was now introducing a perverted stallionfoal turned teenage human female to the Internet? Soon enough, Twilight entered the library and noticed them.

"I was wondering where you two disappeared to," Twilight said.

Sunset shot her head up. "Hey, Twilight," she said. "I was just acquainting Lion with the Internet."

"They don't have it where I'm from," Lion explained.

"I see," Twilight replied. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing!" Lion said as he quickly covered up the computer screen filled with pictures of waifus. Twilight just stared at Lion in bewilderment.

"Okay?" Twilight said. "Do you guys want to accompany me with a science project I've been working on?"

Sunset's eyes widened in realization. "Oh, I forgot about that!" she said. "I'll be with you in a minute."

"It's at home but great."

"I'll come with you too," Lion said, "As soon as I have erased my browser history and logged out."

After school, Twilight, Sunset, their friends and Lion wandered into Twilight's lab. The room was dark, with the only light source being the various gizmos and gadgets Twilight left on. Most, if not all, of the lights and computer screens emitted a cyan colour that, for some unexplained reason, wasn't giving everyone a shade of blue. They walked to a blue machine that almost looked like a big bulky fidget spinner.

"Uh?" Lion asked, "What is that?"

"It's a teleporter I invented," Twilight replied. "I have been spending some time reverse-engineering the qualities of the portal to Equestria with Sunset in order to find out if it's possible to teleport someone from one location to the next. You know, without going into another world and turning into a pony."

"Does it work?" Lion asked.

Twilight put her hand behind her head and smiled sheepishly. "It does work, but we're still in the process of ironing out a few kinks."

The teleporter whirred and spun around as it spontaneously produced a muffin. Lion looked at the muffin in bewilderment.

"It doesn't look that bad," Lion bluntly said, "It looks just like an ordinary-"

Twilight picked up the muffin and broke it in two, revealing bulging green growths within the muffin.

"Oh my goodness!" Lion exclaimed. "What the everloving crap are those?!"

"Tumors?" Twilight replied sheepishly.

Pinkie Pie gasped in an exaggerated manner. "Does this mean we can't teleport muffins?!" she asked.

"You can," Twilight replied, "It's just that no-one's going to want to eat them."

Author's Note

If any of you have ever watched Expiration Date...

Honestly, I'm kinda surprised there hadn't been that many redeemed baddies who compare each other's actions to see which one did the worst.

Chapter 7 - Unaccommodating Accommodations

Day became night and Lion needed a place to stay. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have it in him to say he had no place to go in this world, mainly because it would be very difficult to explain to everybody else how he's actually a unicorn stallion that had turned into a hot human girl. But luckily for him, Sunset was willing enough to give him $50 dollars and a hotel for him to stay in. It was a surprisingly rainy night as Lion stood outside what he hoped would be the hotel. He could tell from the look of the hotel that it was certainly no five-star. It didn't even look that stylish either, which was depressing since it had a fancy name like 'Château de arnaquer'. Seeing no other options, he walked up to the hotel and rang the buzzer.

"Welcome to the Château de arnaquer," a voice said "How may we help you?"

"Hello there," Lion replied, "I booked a hotel room for the night and I was wondering if you could let me in, please?"

"Sorry, we don't have any available rooms."

"What?!"

"When did you book your room, may I ask?"

"About eleven o'clock. Why?"

"Hmm. See, you were supposed to be here an hour ago."

"What time is it?"

"Forty-seven minutes past one in the morning."

"Give me a break, will ya?! I'm new to this place! You can't expect me to instantly know my way around, can you?!"

"Well, I'm afraid that's your problem, not ours."

"Do I at least get my money back?"

"Sorry, no refunds."

"You do know I could sue you for fraud, right?"

With the exception of the rain, there was not a sound between Lion and the voice.

"On second thoughts," the voice said "We'll let you in. But only because we don't want you getting wet."

The hotel door opened up, revealing a thin man with a red bushy moustache and hair the same colour, but with a few stripes of white. The man wore a black bowtie and a white shirt with blue stripes.

"Make yourself cozy on the floor," the man said.

Lion walked into the hotel. The chill of the tiled floor went from his feet all the way up to his spine.

"You can't be serious," Lion said to the moustached man.

"Oh, but we are," the man replied, "Unless you wish to spend another $20 for a room?"

Lion glared at the man before him.

"I am not paying another twenty bucks for a room I already paid for," Lion spat at the man.

"It's only twenty dollars," the man replied, "That is quite the bargain, considering how we charge our customers $50 dollars per night."

Lion shrugged his shoulders and made his way towards the door, preparing to leave this scam of a hotel.

"Honestly," Lion said "I'm better off finding a bus to sleep in. Then I'll get around to telling everypo-body about what atrocious services you provide."

The man tugged at his shirt neck and chuckled nervously as beads of sweat dripped from his head.

"Maybe I could speak to my old brother of mine about this."

The man walked into what Lion presumed was his office. Inside the office was another man that looked exactly like the man that just entered, sans moustache. The two men whispered back and forth amongst themselves as Lion crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. Soon enough, the two men turned towards Lion.

"We have decided to give you a fine room, my fine traveller," the non-moustached man said.

The two men walked towards Lion and gave him a keycard. It had a big number two on it.

"Here's your key for Room Two, which is just down the hall and is the first room down your left. Oh, and as a quick reminder, we will ask you to leave the room and return the key at ten AM."

"Duly noted," Lion replied.

Lion walked down the hall. He was annoyed at having to deal with all that nonsense and even more annoyed that he couldn't have a lie-in. Then again, it wasn't like Twilight and her friends had the privilege of a lie-in in this world since they are still in school. Lion walked to his room and swiped down the keycard to unlock the room. When he entered, he was surprised that the room he booked was surprisingly neat. He had seen better hotel rooms but he was thankful that it wasn't a rat-infested shithole that he was afraid of entering. There was even a TV at the end of his bed and a radiator right near the bed. He tucked himself into the bed and tried to close his eyes. It was very difficult for him to get to sleep since he didn't have his medicine nor his cuddly toy with him, but the thought of him not staying in this world for long was enough to comfort him.

Lion was slightly awake in the bed he was in, trying to fall back to sleep again. He felt a small tingling in one of his feet. Thinking it was just his feet going numb, he rolled to his side and curled up slightly. The sensation returned, causing him to slightly toss and turn at slight intervals. Curious as to what the sensation was, and hoping he didn't get frostbite or accidentally burn his feet on the radiator, he slowly opened one of his eyes. There was a small wet patch on the bed he was sleeping in, with the rain dripping through the roof and onto that particular spot on the bed.

"What the Tartarus?" Lion said to himself.

He heard shuttering sounds in the room. They were the sounds of a camera taking photographs. Lion turned towards the source of the sound and noticed a person wearing a raincoat taking photographs with her phone. The person turned around and revealed herself to be Twilight Sparkle.

"How did you get in here?" Lion asked.

"I used this," Twilight replied as she pulled out a small rectangular device from one of her coat pockets "Figured it would be more practical than breaking the door open as most people would do."

"Couldn't you have just used your magic or something to get in here?"

"I could but I figured it would be best to keep magic-using to a bare minimum unless I want to..."

Twilight looked around anxiously before walking towards Lion, crouching down and covering her mouth.

"Get kidnapped and experimented on by the CIA," Twilight whispered.

Lion stifled back a chuckle, not because the idea of a magical girl like Twilight getting kidnapped by the CIA is ridiculous, but because he read a comic that had a minor but memorable character who was part of an organization with the same acronym and was talking to this scientist. If he recalled correctly, the character's exact words were 'Doctor Parker, I'm CIA'. And since this Twilight seemed like the mad scientist type, he couldn't resist the temptation to paraphrase that quote.

"Why are you laughing?" Twilight asked.

"Doctor Sparkle, I'm CIA," Lion replied before belting out a jolly good laugh.

"I hope you're not!" Twilight said anxiously as she pulled out a taser from the same coat pocket she got the door-unlocking device from.

"Relax, I was joking!" Lion said defensively "It was a quote from a comic I read."
"Oh. My bad," Twilight said as she put the taser away before turning her head away and rubbing her arm in embarrassment "What comic was it?"

"Ever heard of something called Power Ponies: The Fire Rises?"

"I don't think I have."

"It was this Power Ponies event where this big bad guy called Venenum escaped from Tartarus and had a plan to take down the Power Ponies because evil and stuff. And that's all I'm going to say because what happens halfway through the story will shock you."

"I'll be sure to read it if I find it."

"Sweet. Oh, speaking of comics, have I ever told you that I have worked part-time as a comic writer?"

"Have you?"

"Yep. It's how I got my Cu-"

Before Lion could finish his sentence, he quickly realized that the humans in this world are not ponies and therefore blank flanks. Sometimes, he wondered to himself if the universe he was from was inherently prejudiced if they allow ponies to know their true calling in life and not other creatures.

"Ool writing style," Lion said, finishing his sentence.

"What kind of comics have you worked on?" Twilight asked "Did you work for any big companies or did you just do indie comics?"

"Indie comics," Lion replied "Although I won't deny it would be cool to work for some big names like Enchanted Comics."

Twilight tilted her head in confusion.

"You never heard of Enchanted Comics?" Lion asked.

"I think I heard Sunset mention it a few times," Twilight replied "When you said big names, I was thinking more along the lines of Marvel or DC."

"Yeah, would you believe me if I told you I never heard of those companies?" Lion asked, his face blushing with embarrassment.

"I would say that's impossible but, given the existence of manga in Japan and manhua in China, the idea of someone not being that familiar with DC and Marvel in this day and age doesn't sound as crazy as one would presume," Twilight replied "Well, maybe a little bit crazy due to movies based on those properties getting exported to places like China and Japan."

"Well, since that I'm new here, perhaps you could tell me which one is the best out of the two."

"There's no way of saying which one is the best. Unless you factor in cinematic universes, in that case, Marvel is better than DC by a long-shot. But I'm going to have to go with Marvel on this one courtesy of creating the Fantastic Four and Spider-Man."

"And what are those like?"

"Well, the Fantastic Four features this quadrio of superheroes consisting of Mr Fantastic, The Thing, Human Torch and Invisible Woman while Spider-Man focuses on this high-school student named Peter Parker who got bitten by a radioactive spider and can now climb up walls and use his 'Spidey-Sense' to sense danger. And since most superheroes at the time were like deities that the people could look up to and aspire to be, the idea of a group of heroes that audiences can relate to was quite revolutionary. Oh, and there was a recent issue where Mr Fantastic diagnoses himself with a mild case of autism and, since I myself have Asperger's and I'm a scientist like him, I found that to be a happy coincidence. Although I can't say I condone him trying to find a cure, especially since it doesn't really affect him nor the plot that much and he did say his was self-diagnosed while I was diagnosed by a professional when I was three."

The TV emitted an electric spark, startling both Twilight and Lion.

"Any chance we can continue this conversation somewhere else?" Lion asked.

"Just as soon as I can get you a refund," Twilight replied, "Or, failing that, as soon as I report this place and have it shut down."

Author's Note

Fun fact: This chapter was loosely based on an experience me and my mum had in London due to a cock-up with the bookings. Was supposed to go in another Premier Inn (we moved from one Premier Inn hotel to another during our holidays in London) but there was a mess up and we had to wait until the room we booked was available or something like that. So with nowhere to go and needing somewhere to spend the night, we looked for a cheap place to stay in.

Thank God we didn't have to stay in that hotel for long and got to relax in a nice Premier Inn.

Also, shout-out to Doctor Parker/Doctor Grant/Advocatus Diaboli.

Chapter 8 - A Relaxing Weekend

Lion and Twilight walked downtown, with Lion hoping to use this opportunity to know more about this iteration of Twilight. Even though they have failed to get Lion's money back, they both agreed that it was worth a try. With nothing else to talk about, as well as having a mild fascination with mental conditions, Lion decided to ask Twilight about this Asperger's she was talking about.

"Soooo," Lion asked, trying to sound casual "What is this Asperger's Syndrome you were talking about earlier?"

"It's a form of autism," Twilight replied "High-functioning, I should add."

"And what's autism?"

"Autism spectrum disorder, or ASD for short, is a developmental disorder characterized by difficulties with social interactions and communication as well as repetitive behaviour. So I had to learn and teach myself certain life skills like what's appropriate to say or do and what's not."

"Sounds complicated."

"Yeah, it did not make elementary school a fun experience. I might also have a comorbid obsessive-compulsive disorder but it's difficult to tell what certain...needs, shall we say, are because of my Asperger's or because of a possible case of OCD."

"OCD, I am familiar with. I wondered if I have it myself but then I remembered I have an appalling sense of personal hygiene."

Both Twilight and Lion shared a giggle at the latter's remark.

"That said," Lion continued, "I do have a pervasive developmental disorder, which is kinda like that autism thing you mentioned in the sense that, what comes naturally to others, I had to learn through experience over time. I also had difficulty grasping rules so that made it a really fun experience."

Twilight gave Lion an odd look.

"Actually, no it didn't," Lion said "I was being sarcastic during that last sentence. Dunno why I did that."

"I'm pretty good with sarcasm," Twilight said "Though I won't deny that it can fly over my head if people don't use the correct sarcastic tone."

Twilight and Lion arrived at Sunset's apartment. Just by looking at the outside of the apartment, Lion immediately came to the conclusion that this is certainly an improvement over that scam of a hotel. They could hear Sunset roaring in anger inside the apartment, which Twilight assumed was her raging at the latest game she started streaming on her Twitch and YouTube channels, Shimmercode.

"Should we knock?" Lion asked.

"Let's just wait for her to cool down. She's probably streaming again."

"Streaming?"

"It's when you record yourself live playing a video game. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it until now."

"Well, I never heard of the Internet until yesterday," Lion deadpanned, to which Twilight shrugged in response.

"Fair enough," Twilight said "Hopefully, she isn't playing a co-operative game like Team Fortress 2. Otherwise, we will be here for a while."

Another rage-induced scream emitted from Sunset's apartment, startling both Twilight and Lion.

"All you guys had to do was stay on the point!" Sunset yelled.

"Is she bad at co-operative games?" Lion asked.

"That depends if dying within less than a minute after respawning counts as being bad."

As if to prove Twilight's point, another roar emitted from Sunset's apartment.

"No, I just fucking respaaawwwned!!!" Sunset screamed angrily.

"Certainly bad enough that she sounds like someone stole all of her weed," Lion said matter-of-factly "Not that I know what that's like."

Seeing no other options, along with getting tired of standing around in the freezing cold with nothing but a bra and a pair of knickers on (even though the day was very warm), Lion walked up to the door and knocked on it. After the sudden sound of an object forcefully meeting something else made of glass, the door to the apartment was finally opened.

"Hi, guys," Sunset said.

Twilight looked over Sunset's shoulder to find a Steam controller embedded into Sunset's smart TV.

"Team Fortress 2?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, Team Fortress 2," Sunset replied while looking at her TV "I should have a new TV in two days."

"Or you could use that money to pay for anger management classes," Lion butted in.

Sunset glared at Lion.

"Or wash away your problems by having a nice relaxing bath and a shower head in the unmentionables," Lion suggested before emitting a nervous chuckle.

In order to avoid freezing his perfectly formed arse, Lion entered the apartment with Twilight in tow. The floors were wooden with a mostly red rug placed neatly under what appeared to be a very comfortable blue sofa. On the wall was a wooden board with dozens of pictures of Sunset and her friends. Due to not having a good night sleep last night, Lion just straight up crashed out onto the sofa.

"So, what brings you by my neck of the woods," Sunset asked.

"Care to tell her?" Lion said, muffled by his face being buried in the sofa.

"You know that hotel Lion spent the night at?" Twilight asked Sunset.

"Yeah?" Sunset replied.

"Turned out it was a scam. So, after talking it over, Lion and I wondered if you were okay with having her as a roommate."

"Uh...sure."

"You're the one that recommended the hotel and you of all people should know what it's like to be the new girl in town," Lion said, his face still buried in the sofa.

Out of thin air, a muffin spontaneously appeared and fell on top of Twilight's head. After it bounced off of her head and onto the floor, Twilight picked up the muffin and inspected it. It had green growths growing out of it, the same growths that were found on the previous muffins of her teleportation experiments.

"Oh no," Twilight said "Someone broke into the lab and is using the teleporter!"

Before anyone could bid her farewell, Twilight made a run out of the door and towards the street. Sunset closed the door and walked towards Lion, whose head is still buried in the sofa.

"So, how did your attempts at wooing Twilight go?" Sunset asked half-mockingly.

"Good actually," Lion replied, still muffled "I just learned she and I are learning disabled."

Sunset just stared at Lion with a confused look.

"She has this thing called Asperger's Syndrome while I have a pervasive developmental disorder. But I already knew that last bit, as evidenced by me self-medicating on a regular basis, so that's good."

"Any other details you learned?"

"She likes comic books, just like me."

Sunet was surprised at how easily Twilight trusted Lion. Although, in her defence, Twilight didn't know Lion the way Sunset did due to her reading his mind after accidentally groping him.

"Sunset?" Lion asked "Could you turn me over, please? I think I'm in a state of sleep paralysis."

Author's Note

The reason why I had Lion say that he has PDD is because I don't know if Equestria has a word for "autism".

Let's just say that it's a headcanon of mine that Equestria's knowledge of mental health is a bit more behind compared to the human world.

And yes, Lion's drug-abusing ways is his way of medicating himself.

Chapter 9 - Party, Party, Party!

Lion was sound asleep on Sunset's sofa, curled up like a puppy. He was in such a deep slumber that he was drooling all over the pillow. Unfortunately, his rest was about to be cut short as a familiar party person slowly sneaked up towards him and blew a party blower directly into his ear.

"Agh!" Lion loudly exclaimed. "Could you not do that?! I have sensory..."

Before Lion could finish his sentence, he saw that Sunset's entire apartment was filled with strangers chatting, dancing, and holding cups of what appeared to be punch. There was also a banner pinned on the wall saying 'Welcome, Lioness Dudette!'.

"Issues," Lion said quietly.

"Hi!" the pink person said enthusiastically, "I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you! Were you surprised? Were you? Were you? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

"I'm more surprised that I wasn't woken up much sooner," Lion snarkily replied "Considering how noisy most social gatherings are and that I'm a light sleeper."

"Ooh, I know what'll get you in the party mood!" Pinkie made a mad dash into the kitchen and came back to Lion's side with a tray full of cupcakes. "It's a family recipe," Pinkie said with a squeak.

Feeling slightly peckish due to not having food in ages since coming to this world, Lion carefully picked up one of the cupcakes and took a bite out of it. It tasted surprisingly sweet, with the icing being strawberry flavoured. Maybe it was because he hadn't eaten in a while but Lion felt an increased boost in energy. Now feeling the need to wash down the cupcake, Lion made his way towards what appeared to be a punch bowl, where a human with light yellow skin and pink hair stood. She wore a white top and a green skirt. After arriving at the punch bowl, he scooped up some punch and poured it into a cup.

"So..." Lion said to the human, "You trying to avoid social interactions by standing near the punch bowl and staying out of everyone's way?"

"Mmm-hmm," the human replied.

"Same," Lion said right back.

Lion lifted his cup full of punch in the air and inspected it.

"Alcoholic or non-alcoholic?" Lion asked.

"Huh?" the human replied.

"The punch."

"Oh. I think it's Pinkie's Fruity Vodka Party Punch."

"Good," Lion said as he prepared to drink the punch. "To the socially awkward!."

And without a moment's hesitation, Lion downed the entire cup of punch in one go. He could certainly taste the lemon in the punch along with that familiar taste of booze. Still feeling peckish, he went to eat more cupcakes, which he immediately washed down with more punch.

After eating and drinking his weight in cupcakes and punch respectively, Lion felt incredibly uneasy. He could not stop shaking and his heart was beating like a samba. Maybe it's because he drank too much punch but he knew when he had enough alcohol. Believing the cupcakes to be the problem, especially since he was lactose-intolerant, Lion walked up to Pinkie Pie to see what was going on.

"Uh...Pinkie?" Lion asked, "What was in those cupcakes?"

"Oh, just some margarine, tons of sugar, eggs, flour, icing, and a fuckton of cocaine," Pinkie replied.

"Cocaine?!"

"The original recipe didn't have any cocaine but once I got older, I realized that the only way to keep the party going is with some good old Showbiz Sherbert."

It did not take Lion long to realize why his heart was acting up. While he had recently learned why smoking poison joke was a bad idea, he already knew full well that cocaine and alcohol were a bad combination. Lion made a mad dash around the apartment looking for Sunset, managing to find her in the bathroom. Feeling like he was going to die, Lion did not bother questioning what Sunset was doing in the bathroom. Or at least he didn't bother asking why the door was unlocked.

"Hey, Sunset," Lion asked. "Do you know where Twilight is? I'd like to talk to her about something and, if I tell a doctor about it, I'd probably be thrown in prison if the drug laws of this world are anything like Equestria's laws."

"She's hanging out with Timber Spruce at a Red Lobster somewhere," Sunset replied.

"Thanks. You're a life-saver."

Twilight and Timber Spruce sat at a table waiting for their food to be served. As Twilight sat back and awkwardly twiddled with her thumbs, trying to think up a good topic of conversation that she hoped wouldn't evolve into rambling, she noticed a familiar nearly-naked red-haired girl barge her way through the doors.

"Yayayayaya-ooh, yes!" Lion said as he made his way towards Twilight.

Lion crouched down next to Twilight.

"Given all the science-y stuff in your basement, I'm going to assume you have some medical knowledge so I'd like your opinion on a little problem I'm having," Lion said without missing a beat.

"Are you drunk?" Twilight asked.

"That and I just found out Pinkie Pie's cupcakes have cocaine in them and I think I'm gonna die," Lion replied before quickly turning towards Timber Spruce. "Ooh, where are my manners? Hi, my name is Lion Dude and I'm here to steal your waifu..."

Lion's thoughts trailed off as he noticed a guy with a lobster on his plate. While he had never tried lobster and easily assumed he wouldn't like it even if he did try it, he felt a sudden urge to grab the lobster right off of the platter and take a bite out of it. An urge he acted on with little to no resistance and spat out the bit of lobster afterward. Confirming his suspicions of not liking lobster, he slammed the lobster back onto the platter and told the waiter next to the table the most obvious fact about the lobster.

"This is dead," Lion said, tapping on the lobster as if to emphasize his point. "Dead!"

Trying to satiate his newfound hunger, Lion lunged his way towards another table that had a basket full of cheddar bay biscuits, something that he could eat even though he considers them a bit bland compared to the ones made in Equestria. After eating all the biscuits, he suddenly began to feel very, very sweaty.

"I'm hot," Lion said, once again stating the obvious. "Is anyone else hot?"

Pushing everyone that was in his way out of the way, Lion climbed into the lobster tank. Miraculously, the tank managed to hold his weight. Even more miraculously, the lobsters weren't pinching his bum.

"Much better," Lion said in a relaxed tone.

As Timber Spruce covered his face, embarrassed by Twilight's new friend, Twilight walked up to Lion in the tank.

Uh...Lion?" Twilight asked. "Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"Nope," Lion replied. "They'd arrest Pinkie Pie if I di....."

Before Lion could finish his sentence, his heart stopped as his head went forwards into the tank, with air bubbles escaping his mouth at a rapid speed.

Author's Note

And then he shat himself because my editor overlooked the little detail that, like me, Lion Dude is lactose-intolerant.

O Party Party Party
I wanna have a Party
I need to have a Party
You better have a Party
O Party Party Party
You gotta Party harty
I'm gonna have a Party
Or else you won't be sorry

God, I miss Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. Hell, I miss TeamFourStar in general.

Chapter 10 - Must Investigate Further

Lion woke up in what appeared to be in a hospital room, his head pounding from the night before. He looked down and noticed he was wearing some sort of gown. He didn't know what was worse, that he was still stuck in his female human form or that someone was playing dress-up with him in his sleep. Next time someone offered him cupcakes, or any confectionary for that matter, he would be certain to ask them if there's any cocaine in the cupcakes. Not that he should need to ask, but how was he supposed to know that a high school girl would bake a well-known Class A drug into a bunch of innocent-looking cupcakes? He turned over and saw Sally's face in the IV bag.
"Oh, piss off, you sea-hag!" Lion grumbled in a half-drunken daze.

"Is that the thanks I get for visiting you?" Sally asked cheekily. "I am appalled by your lack of bedside manner."

"That because it's not my job to use bedside manner," Lion replied sardonically, "Considering I'm lying on a fucking bed!"

"I noticed," Sally deadpanned. "And since you've been asleep for about a week, don't you think it's high time to get back to work?"

Lion's eyes widened at that statement. "Did you say a week?"

"Indeed I did," Sally replied.

"Fuck!" Lion shouted. "Why didn't anyone try to wake me up?!"

"Ever heard of a coma?" Sally asked.

Without a moment's hesitation, Lion jumped out of the bed, ripped off his gown, and caused many patients to flatline and Code Blue alarms to go off before he quickly ran out of the hospital, randy weak-hearted men and women be damned.

In an effort to learn more about his waifu from an alternate universe, Lion snuck around Twilight's old high school, Crystal Prep. Compared to Canterlot High, where everyone wore whatever they liked, everyone in Crystal Prep wore the same uniform. It reminded Lion too much of his own school days, having to wear a stupid uniform and learn shit that never really mattered in the grand scheme of things. It reminded him of all the worries of getting detention and therefore throwing a wrench into his routine, even though he was a well-behaved lad in his school years, Magical Kindergarten notwithstanding. The contrast between him now and him in his school years made him want to forget ever being in school, especially since some of his friends moved on with their lives. On the bright side, even though he had plenty of other reasons to do so, at least he didn't run a cult that brainwashed ponies into thinking cutie marks are bad just because he didn't know his friends' addresses.

As all the students walked about, Lion tried to stealthily blend in and hid behind several lockers when the opportunities presented itself. However, it was difficult to blend in when one was only wearing a bra and a pair of knickers while everyone else was in uniform and his choice of hiding spots usually left him open to many a slap on the arse. In spite of the mild sexual harassment being very distracting, there was one thing that caught his eye. A dude with long, messy, dark red hair and a beard to match. Lion got a bit closer to look at his human doppelganger and noticed inside the locker was something that really had no place in a school. Having some experience in looting gunpowder for his cannons, Lion knew a gun when he saw one and, while it was definitely smaller than the muskets he was used to, that was definitely a gun in his other self's locker. One that his other self intended to use as he looked at the gun with a wicked smirk.

"Lion, don't!" Lion shouted to his human duplicate.

The other Lion slammed his locker in surprise and hoped no-one else saw his gun. He then looked at Lion in confusion, as if something was familiar about the nearly-naked girl in front of him but he wasn't sure what it was. Amidst all the wonder was a different kind of arousal. The kind that would compel men to stick electrodes that stimulated certain centres of the brain on a pretty lady just to see what would happen. But such thoughts could wait since he would need to get to class soon.

The school day was over and the other Lion waited for his mum to pick him up from school. While waiting, he noticed the girl he met this morning standing a bit too close to him.

"Uh...hi?" Lion awkwardly said to the other Lion.

"Hello," the other Lion said in an equally awkward manner.

The two Lions stood around, trying to figure out how to keep the conversation going.

"You didn't see anything weird in my locker, did you?" the other Lion asked.

"Only what I assume was a gun," Lion replied. "Other than that, nothing else."

"Promise me you won't tell anyone about that."

"Why?" Lion asked, "What were you going to use it for."

"There's this classmate of mine that doesn't do much work, frequently messes around, and gets in trouble with the teacher," the other Lion replied. "Soon enough, it will get to a point where the entire class will suffer for it. And I will not do schoolwork during my break-time because some idiot slowed down the rest of the class."

"So you're gonna kill him for it?" Lion asked with concern.

"Pretty much," Lion bluntly replied, "But I'll do it before I go to class so no-one will know it was me."

Lion was surprised at how much this other version of him reminded him of himself when he was younger. Sure, he never killed anypony but he wasn't a stranger to using illegal spells if it suited his purposes. Problem was, when it came to his attempts at using magic to alter ponies' personalities or mentally torture them, he never really focused his magic on his classmates the same way he focused his magic on pretty mares. Good thing he mellowed out considerably when he left school and started a career in writing comic books, with a bit of piracy on the side.

"Yeah, you really shouldn't do that," Lion said, "What if you do get caught?"

"I'll plead insanity."

"And what if they consider you sane? Are you willing to throw your life away over something as small as a class clown?"

Lion's other self looked away. "No, but do you have any idea how frustrating it is having my routine interrupted?"

"More than you'd think. But the thing is shit changes all the time, and those changes include changes to one's routine. The only thing you could do when that happens is take something to calm you down and just ride the wave. Trust me, over time, you'd forget how things used to be."

A white car showed up. Recognizing it as his mum's car, the other Lion walked up to it and got in. Lion, on the other hand, just looked for the nearest payphone to call Sunset on and hoped there were a couple of quarters laying around.

Author's Note

Old meets new. Kinda. :twilightsmile:

After all, if Lion himself can't kiss Twilight, who's to say his other self can't do the deed for him instead?

Except for Twilight herself, of course. And I doubt she'd want to snog a would-be murderer with a mind-control/possession fetish. And given what I was like as a teen, I doubt the other Lion would want to kiss her either.

Chapter 11 - Muffins and Tang

Lion lied down in a fetal position on the floor of Sunset’s bathroom. It had been more than a year and his attempts at wooing Twilight were met with failure. And as if his situation couldn’t get any worse, Sally was hunting him down.

“I’m dead,” Lion muttered to himself, “I’m going to die in a foreign world in a body that’s not my own and the only people who would remember me is Sunset Shimmer and her friends.”

Suddenly, Lion heard a knock on the door.

“How long are you gonna be in there?” Sunset asked.

“Until that sea-witch stopped looking for me!” Lion replied.

There was a long pause.

“Didn’t you say that witch could control water?” Sunset asked.

“I don’t remember saying it but yes,” Lion replied.

“Then you might want to pick somewhere other than a bathroom,” Sunset pointed out.

Realizing Sunset’s words made too much sense, Lion burst out of the bathroom and made his way out of Sunset’s house. But, because he was deservedly unlucky, he mounced into the very sea witch he was trying to run away from.

“Hello, Lion Dude,” Sally said menacingly.

“Look, just give me more time, okay?” Lion pleaded with the witch.

Sally frowned at Lion “It has been a year since we made that deal and I want that arse of yours now!”

Lion immediately started running for his life, only to fall flat on his bouncy boobs after only running five miles. He immediately went back to a fetal position as soon as Sally caught up to him. However, in one of the few rare moments where fate was on his side, Sally was impaled by a massive tentacle. Lion looked up at the impaled Sally and saw that the tentacle belonged to a gargantuan muffin that had a gaping maw filled with sharp, jagged teeth for some reason.

“What the Tartarus?” Lion wondered to himself.

In the science room of Canterlot High, Twilight showed her friends a tumour-riddled muffin that inexplicably came to life because of her experiments.

“As you can see,” Twilight explained, “These tumours are actually self-aware growths that only form on muffins and other baked goods like it.”

“So does that mean we can use the teleporter you built?” Applejack asked.

“Sure,” Twilight replied, “As long as no-one teleports any muffins.”

Derpy walked into the science, having overheard the conversation between Twilight and her friends, “Uh...I have a question.”

“What’s your question, Derpy?” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie and I…” Derpy replied, “We...kinda teleported muffins.”

Twilight gave Derpy a mortified look, “What?”

“Pikie told me it was safe,” Derpy said defensively.

“How...many?” Twilight asked sternly.

“We have done nothing but teleport muffins for three days,” Derpy simply replied.

Suddenly, a wave of primordial soup flooded the corridor outside the science room. Amidst it all, the version of Lion Dude that isn’t a waifu entered the science room.

“Question,” the other Lion Dude stated.

Twilight placed her head in her hand, “What’s your question, Lion?”

“I triggered Instrumentality,” the other Lion replied.

Noticing Sally had dropped what appeared to be an elixir after getting impaled by the muffin monster, Lion picked up the elixir and read the label on it.

“Potion that can give genderbent stallions their stallionhood back,” Lion read out loud.

Lion heard a rumbling in the distance. Looking away from the elixir in his hand, he saw his alternate counterpart riding a wave of LCL fluid on a surfboard.

“Hahahaha!” the other Lion laughed maniacally, “I TRIGGERED INSTRUMENTALITY!”

Lion smiled at his alternate self, proud that he had taken Lion’s advice to heart and is doing something with his life. But then he remembered he watched End of Evangelion not that long ago and knew what Instrumentality meant. Not wishing to be turned into tang like everyone else, Lion beat a hasty retreat and ran towards the portal back to Equestria. As soon as he reached the portal, he downed the elixir, jumped in the portal, and hoped for the best.

Lion woke up in a room made of crystal, his head pounding like he had the worst hang-over in his life. He looked down at his hand and noticed it had turned back into a hoof. He got up, turned around to face the mirror behind him, and saw to his delight that he had turned back into a stallion.

“Woohoo!” Lion exclaimed as he jumped in the air.

Author's Note

Oh, yeah. I should mention there's a time-skip to reflect on the fact that I have not worked on this fic in over a year.

And now I can finally play this song: