The Battle of Burnt Bread
Princess Celestia awoke one fine morning to the cravings of toasted bread. Not wanting to wait for the servants to do it, she popped down to the royal kitchen. Entering the pantry, she grabbed some bread, put it in the toaster, and was electrocuted to death.
One of the cooks, an earth pony by the name of Sliced Celery came in to see the dead Princess.
“Oh sweet Faust!” Sliced Celery ran up to Luna’s bedchambers and rapped upon the door. “Princess! You’re sister! S-she’s dead?”
Sliced Celery heard video game noises, as well as Luna’s screams. “No, you idiots, focus on the left side! We don’t need- NO! DAMMIT!” Sliced Celery heard hoofbeats, and Luna opened the door. “What is it that you need?”
“Well, your sister seems to have died, so you’re now the-”
“Oh, don’t worry, she’ll respawn.”
Sliced Celery was confused. “What? What do you mean, respawn?”
On cue, there was a bright flash of light, and Princess Celestia stood in the hall next to him. Sliced Celery stared in awe at the truly miraculous event that he had just witnessed.
“Damn toaster!” Celestia shouted. The royal Princess headed down to the kitchen again, with Sliced Celery dogging her hooves.
“I’m glad to see the Princess is ok,” he humbly told her.
“Actually, Sliced, I’m not ok.”
Sliced Celery stopped in his tracks. “You’re not?”
Celestia looked over at the cook with a grim light to her eyes. “No... for this is an enemy I thought long ago to have destroyed. This, I fear, is the legendary Toasterus.”
Sliced Celery gasped. “N-not Toasterus...”
Celestia shook her head sadly. “Indeed. I must assemble a group of ponies to help me defeat this monster! Sliced, even though this is not your duty, you must go and find the scribe and tell him to send notes to the ponies Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.”
Sliced Celery saluted his Princess and trotted off. Celestia slowly ambled to the kitchen, and stared in detest at the toaster.
“You’re going down, Toasterus...” Celestia said as she donned a pair of sunglasses.
Soon, Twilight, Pinkie, and Dashie were all standing outside of the kitchen, being briefed by the Princess.
“Now, I want you all to know why I’ve gathered you here today...” The Sun Princess held her head high. “We are here to defeat an evil so horrid, dragons flee before it.” Celestia held the pause for dramatic effect.
“It’s Toasterus, isn't it,” Twilight said, proud of herself. Celestia facehoofed.
“Twilight, dear, please don’t interrupt me while I’m trying to be dramatic.” Twilight hung her head in shame. “Yes, we are hear to defeat the monster known as Toasterus. You see, long ago,Luna, me, and the Toaster all lived in harmony. But then, he betrayed us by burning the last slice of bread. I banished him to the moon... but somehow, he’s returned...”
“So, why are just the three of us here, and not all six elements?” Rainbow Dash asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“Well, Rarity isn’t much of a fighter, it’s Applebucking season, so Applejack’s out, and Fluttershy didn’t seem like one that would be helpful,” Celestia informed.
“Oh, ok- wait, how’d you know about Applebucking season?”
The Princess rolled her eyes. “Trust me, Rainbow Dash, I’m an immortal Princess. Nothing very interesting goes on a lot of the year, so I immerse myself in numerous facts. Now, I chose Twilight because she knows many things about Toasters from her book knowledge. Rainbow Dash, I chose you for your speed and determination. And Pinkie Pie... well, you have powers even I can’t explain. I’m sure Toasterus will probably end up defeated due to you creating some sort of portal or something equally as crazy. Now, let’s take down this menace!”
The four turned towards the kitchen door, where they were met with darkness. “That accursed toaster cut the power! I’ll give us some light.” Celestia’s horn lit up, and the group entered the kitchen.
Inside, everything was as normal, except the power was out. Pinkie Pie bounced around, while Twilight and Rainbow Dash snuck quietly towards the offending appliance.
Without any warning, a large stack of toast fell down on top of Celestia, knocking her to the ground. “Princess!” Twilight rushed over to her mentor.
“Twilight... you must carry on...” Celestia’s eyes shut, and Twilight began to cry.
“No... NO! NOOOOO!” Dashie dragged the wailing unicorn from the Princess.
“Get ahold of yourself! We’ve got to-” A shrill cry was heard, along with the ding of a toaster.
“PINKIE PIE!” The two shouted in unison, rushing over to where the pink pony was laying, covered in crumbs.
“What kind of monster...” Dashie felt herself on the verge of throwing up, but got ahold of herself. “Twilight. Cover me.”
Twilight nodded her head, and Rainbow Dash flew up into the air, charging Toasterus. The ancient toaster of the gods shot a barrage of burnt bread at the pegasus, but with her expect dodging and Twilight’s volley of energy bolts, Rainbow Dash managed to reach the toaster unharmed.
“Any last words?”
The toaster stood there, unassuming. Then, with godly power, he uttered his last word.
Ding!
A single piece of toast hit Rainbow Dash right in the face. As if on cue, sad music began to play as Dashie fell in slow motion into the floor, bits of toasted bread all over her face. Twilight rushed over to her fallen rainbow-maned comrade. Rainbow Dash looked up into Twilight’s eyes.
“Twilight... finish him. Not just for me... not just for Pinkie or Celestia... but for all of Ponykind.”
Twilight nodded her head as Rainbow Dash sunk in her arms. Getting to her hooves, the purple unicorn faced down the evil abomination of bread toasting.
“This ends here, Toasterus. Just you and me...”
The toaster was silent.
“An appliance of few words, huh? Well, I don’t need a fancy last speach from you!” The unicorn’s horn lit up as she charged the shiny metal contraption. She was able to blast all manners of toasted breads out of the way, and even a stray waffles, but there was simply too much. A lucky piece of pumpernickel struck her right on the horn, and she fell, just like the others.
As she fell, tears welled up in her eyes. “I have failed you all... I'm so sorry...”
She fell to the ground, unmoving. The lights switched back on, and Discord waltzed in, grabbing a piece of toast from Toasterus. Pinkie Pie burped loudly, and began to giggle. Twilight was still sobbing softly, and Rainbow Dash sneezed. Celestia’s wing twitched.
Discord shook his head, and took the toaster. “Come on, Toasterus, these ponies are freaks.”
