Insert Neko, Press Play

by ElektroNeko

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 3574

This is about as self-insert as it can get without getting Mary Sue involved...

Me getting myself involved in all kinds of different situations with ponies. Don't worry. I wouldn't put myself in any beneficial situation; that wouldn't be funny to you…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-17 22:15:38 UTC

On a Island, With Fluttershy

So this is how the sea sounds, wandering back and forth softly in front of my bare feet. Coming from the endless blue that doesn't seem to end. Above it was a lighter shade of blue, decorated with the occasional piece of white fluff. The sun making the air pretty hot, and the sand I'm sitting on even hotter. I could find some shadow beneath the palm trees behind me, but I don't feel like it at the moment.

I'm way too baffled that I'm here, and especially what is sitting a few meters next from me. It had a light yellow coat, a long pink mane, and wings. And while she is looking away from me, I know that her eyes have a strong cyan color. And while she has yet to say a single word to me, I know she's nopony other then Fluttershy.

So I'm here on a beautiful tropical island with what most people seem a to agree on, is the cutest pony, no, the cutest creature of them all. Many people would do unspeakable things to get in a situation that is even remotely like mine. Well, I've good news for you: You can have it all, if you get me out of here any way possible. Because I was already fed up with all of this right at the moment I woke up with the worst headache I've ever had, greeted by a yellow pegasus loudly squeaking as if she just witnessed the most horrendous monster ever looking her right into her cyan eyes.

I might not be the most beautiful girl of them all, but I'm not that ugly, let alone that scary!

So yeah, I don't like being here. Especially with HER, the pegasus that is afraid of her own shadow, and even worse, afraid of heights. She could be flying us out of here in no time if she wasn't just a... Man, I'm thirsty. Luckily, I got my good ol' handbag with me, and inside is always something to drink. So I zip my bag open, search between my vivid collection of compact cassettes, and that got me wondering: Did I also bring my walkman? Then suddenly, right next to my walkman and headphones, I found a bottle of water. Never been more glad to have a nice lukewarm bottle of water!

"Uhm..."

I looked the source of the sound straight into her cyan eyes. She jolted her eyes away from me almost instantly, then slowing returning her vision on my water bottle. I know what she wants, and I can't blame her: It's really hot in this place. So I searched my bag for a second time, and found another bottle of water. "Never go anywhere without at least two bottle's of water!" my mom never used to say. So I throw the second bottle over to her, making a small dust cloud when it hit the sand. The impact made her cover her head with her hooves and squeak a little of course.

"Knock yourself out girl."

Then I twist open my own bottle, and I take a few big gulps of liquid down my throat. I sit back and try to enjoy the nice blue sea with the nice blue sky above it. Ah, blue. Blue like the boldest pony of them all. Blue like the pegasus who would have had the balls and kindness to lift me up and take us right out of this hellhole before I say 'Wow, nice mane'. But nope, had to be stuck with the pegasus who can't even open her own water bottle.

Wait...

I hear the sound of teeth grating against plastic. I look over at her and indeed: She is struggling to get her bottle to open. I can't blame her: Those bottles aren't exactly pony friendly. Still, she's yet again found a new way to annoy me. And make me feel guilty, because if I don't help her, she can't drink her water. Sigh... Well, let's get this over with.

I stand up, walk to her and kneel down before her. I try to hide the annoyance in my face, but I think it fails no matter how hard I tried: I have a bad poker face. I look at her, she looks at me, blushing. Yeah, yeah, as if it's not embarrassing enough already. Just give me the bottle...

As if she could read my mind, she let go of the bottle. I grab it, and I twist the bottle open. Oh, this is going to be so bad...

"Open your mouth."

She is sitting on her behind, standing on her front hooves, and looking up to me with her mouth open and her tongue slightly hanging out, looking if she was about to give...yeah. I told you this was going to be bad.

So I slowly tilted the bottle until the water poured into her mouth. The ultimate fantasy of many bronies: Pouring water into the mouth of Fluttershy. And me, the only person who doesn't seem to like pouring water into someone that's intelligent enough to speak fluently English, and with that I mean THIS pony, has to do it. But isn't she cute? Sure, cute she is. Very cute. What else does she have to offer? Ungrounded angst for me, and incompetence. Well, the incompetence I can handle. It's more the fact that she just sat there for two hours being too afraid to speak against me. Why? Yeah, I can look pretty pissed off. But what did you expect? I'm on a island with someone who has a problem with me for some reason and doesn't want to talk about it. I can't do anything with that! How am I suppose to talk to someone who doesn't seem to want to talk to me?

Wait a minute...

How could I be so fucking stupid? How could I be so selfish and ignorant about what she might be feeling? She also haven't got a clue how to talk to me, all pissed off by something she might have been partly the cause of...

*gargle* *cough*

Oh damn! I quickly tilt back the bottle and I see Fluttershy coughing up some water. Damn, I almost drowned her...

"Are you okay?"

She coughed a few more times and then slowly opened her eyes. She looks up at me, blushing again. Against all odds, she finally managed to get me to smile a bit. Then I began stroking her mane...

"It's okay girl..."

'Girl', I said while stroking her mane. Isn't this kind of...demeaning? I'm treating a grown pegasus who can talk and act in a human way as a pet. But isn't she kind of letting her be treated like this? I will admit, she looks inviting and... Oh god no!

I instantly pull back my hand. My face is blushing red. I can't look to her straight. She looked at me, a little puzzled. I have to say something, but I don't know what! I just go and try then...

"I'm...I'm sorry"

Silence. For what seems a long time. I'm kind of waiting for a reaction, because I don't know anymore to say right now! Wait, can she even talk? And if so, do we speak the same language even? Why did I simply just assumed she could speak English?

"I-It's okay..."

She spoke. Just when I started to question it...

"I-I'm Fluttershy. W-What's your n-name?"

I look at her, she is looking away. I can't help but react with a smile.

"Call me 'Neko'. It's what my friends call me."

And now I'm kind of calling the pegasus who I basically hated a few moments ago a friend. This has been quite a day...

And it wasn't over yet. She lays her head on my arm. I feel my face turning red again...

"Uhm, Fluttershy?"

"Huh?"

"What you are doing now...is something mostly lovers do where I'm from."

She looks puzzled for a moment. And then instantly jolted away from me.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay, you didn't know."

Another moment of silence breezes by. To my surprise, Fluttershy suddenly asks something...

"How did we get here?"

"I dunno. But I would love to get out of here to be honest."

Alright, I'm going to ask to her it. Even if I don't believe she can do it...

"Fluttershy?"

"Huh?"

"Do you think you can fly me over to another land?"

"Oh! Well, I don't know for sure..."

"Do you want to give it a shot?"

"Uhm... Sure."

So I closed and grabbed my handbag, and tried to climb onto Fluttershy. It still felt demeaning to me, but it's the only way I might get off of this island! She's has a really soft coat... No. Just, no...

"Am I sitting wrong or something Fluttershy?"

"No, that's about right Neko."

"Well then, I'm ready for lift off. Hit me!"

"Uhm... Okay."

She takes off without a problem. Wow, she's stronger then I thought! And with that she was flying over the water. But shortly after, she started to shake and to lose balance. Oh god, she isn't going to hold it!

And indeed, a few moments later we crash right into the water. I swim to the surface, and see Fluttershy splashing around  for help. I swim to her, grab the panicking pony and then took her to the beach as fast as I could.

We were laying on the same beach we were a few moments ago. She is breathing heavily, but she will be okay. I look at my wet handbag... Fuck! My walkman!

I quickly picked my walkman out of my handbag and a random cassette. I try shaking them both dry and it seems to work oddly well. Then I insert the cassette, put the headphone on my head, and pressed play. Magnificent! It still works! Damn, engineering at it finest. Why do that make them like this...

I suddenly realize that my walkman was playing 'Happy To Be Stuck With You' by 'Huey Lewis'. Really? That hurts you know...

The Karaoke Bar

If you would have told me a month ago that I was going to work at a karaoke bar in Ponyville soon, I would have called you insane. Me, in Ponyville, Equestria? Having a job? That's quite an optimistic idea, especially in these days where being unemployed is the norm.

And yet, I'm standing here, in a karaoke bar in Ponyville, Equestria. Renting rooms to all kind of colt's and filly's, ready to embarrass themselves trying to sing all the modern party songs or ruining a beloved classic. Well, most of them; sometimes I need to explain how the machine work. Not everypony is a karaoke fan, let alone good with machines. But anyway: Great fun to be had for everypony! Well, everypony, not me. I'm still trying to get over my outfit. It's a dark red one that reminds me of something I don't want to be reminded of. And no, I'm not going to explain, I would become way to personal. And believe me: You don't want that. Still, who would have thought I would be in Equestria, having a JOB of all things? I'm not going to let a outfit ruin this opportunity. You'll have to come with something a lot worse than that!

"Wow! A real human!"

"Don't y'all know they really exist?"

"Uhm...No, I do...Now."

I look over the counter to see three little fillies. Not just three fillies of course, THE three fillies. The left one was the fluffy one with the horn, with the soft pink, soft purple mane, and white coat called Sweetie Belle. The one on the right was the bold one with wings, a darker purple mane and orange coat, and a awesome name: Scootaloo. Damn, I love that name. 'Scootaloo'. Scoot-Scoot-Scootaloo! And then in the middle we had Apple Bloom of course. Yellow coat, and a big cute bow to hold her red mane together. She looks over at me with her amber eyes. Scootaloo looks around with her purple eyes, can't seem to focus on anywhing. And Sweetie Belle... Wow, those green eyes are pretty striking! Reminds me of the big sister of the filly that is about to speak up...

"Uhm, one room fur three please."

Isn't Apple Bloom kind of the quasi leader of the group? Why actually? I think it's the bow. Does big bows give ponies authority around here? Well, one thing is for sure: It's so CUTE.

"Sure, for how long?"

"Uhm... Ah hour?"

"Okay then. That would be 8 bits."

They scrap together every last bit they had. I pick up key nr 3C and throw it over to the quasi leader. She snaps it out of the air with her cute little mouth. Did I mention she was cute?

I see them trotting into their room. Right when I'm ready to remind myself that I think they are really cute, my boss starts yelling in my ear...

"DID YOU JUST GIVE THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS A KEY?!"

"...The cutie mark what now?"

Why did I just act like I don't know who they are? Oh, right. To try to cover up my ass for something I shouldn't have done apparently.

"Those FILLY'S you just let in nearly destroyed one of my karaoke machines last time! THE WHOLE BOOTH WAS COVERED IN TREE SAP!"

...How did they manage to pull that off? Before I can ask why, the boss looks me straight in the eyes and says...

"You got them in there, you get them out. And you will clean and repay everything."

"...I'm on it."

Sighing, I walk over to room 3C. What was so bad about them anyway? I open the door. Scootaloo is standing there ready to give hell. Just when I'm about to speak, I'm blown away by a loud off-key blast caused by Scootaloo's voice, amplified though the speakers.

Trying to get my head to stop ringing and to get up, I'm blasted again with a loud note to my head. Damn, I know bad singing can hurt the ears, but I never would have thought it could blast you away like that! Let alone by the voice of such a small filly! Alright, she's of course amplified by a big ass speaker that's even bigger then me. How did they get that big thing over here? Oh, yeah... 'Unicorns'. They lift these things with their magic. Still, it must have been hard...

Alright, how do I get those filly's out of there? They aren't that heavy right? I could just pick them up, say sorry to them for not letting them continue, and give them a refund. Easy right? I only have to get close, but how?

Then I heard that Scootaloo was done singing. Alright, this is my chance! So I run right into their room just to be blasted off by another blast. Only this time it was perfectly on key.

Recovering from a ringing head again, I hear a smooth, power female jazzy voice. It see that it was coming from Sweetie Belle's mouth. Impressive... I knew she had such a voice. But to see her singing like that, and to hear it for real, is... I don't actually have words for it, it's so beautiful.

So simply walk in and pick them up isn't going to cut it: When I try to, I get blasted away by the amplified sound of filly power. Maybe I have to lure them out with something. Candy? What do they even consider to be candy here? Oh, right. Cupcakes, muffins, cotton candy, chocolate rain... I should facepalm myself for not thinking that up, but my head is already hurt, so I give myself a break this time.

So I run over to Sugarcube Corner. Luckly, it's still open. Luckily, only Mrs. Cake seem to be around. I don't feel like Pinkie getting all obsessed and throwing a party for me right now. So I order 3 strawberry cupcakes, because there wasn't much choice anymore actually. I pay of course, and then run back with them to the karaoke bar and then knocked on door 3C. The music stops, and three fillies open the door.

"Hi girls! Want a strawberry cupcake?"

They look at each other like I said something very weird. The fluffy one then looks at me and says...

"We're sorry, we can't take anything from strangers. Rarity says that's dangerous."

"Ah don't even like strawberry..."

Ugh. Should have known APPLE Bloom likes APPLES. Wait a minute... I'm talking to them! Why don't I just ask them?

"Girls, I'm sorry, but my boss said you can't be here anymore after last time. Could you please leave? I'll give you a refund of course."

Now I feel extremely stupid for thinking up and trying to force them out of here. Why didn't I think they would be understand and...

"Nope!"

Scootaloo grabs her friends and slams the door in my face. The impossible just happened: I feel even more stupid then 'extremely stupid' for trusting they would just leave if I asked nicely. Now I have to think of something really clever to even this out...

So I went thinking while eating some strawberry cupcakes. Hmm... They are the Cutie Mark Crusaders, crusading for cutie marks... I have to do something with that. Hmm, Strawberry! I like strawberry...

"ARE YOU EATING CUPCAKES ON THE JOB?!"

Oh crap, my boss...

"Uhm, yes?"

"WELL AT LEAST SHARE THEN!"

"Sure boss, take the last two. They're yours."

"Oh! Thank you very much! NOW GET THOSE FILLY'S OUT OF MY BOOTH!"

Yeah... Not only did I have a worse headache now, I also lost my two last strawberry cupcakes. Now I'm sad...

No, I don't have time to be sad. I have to get The Cutie Mark Crusaders out of that booth. It has to do something with cutie marks. Next to me is a fridge with a pen, a notebook, some tape, and a rope on it. Yup, those conveniently placed together things give me an idea!

So I pull open the fridge and pull out the weirdest colored bottle I can find. This blue one will do! Then I write 'Cutie Mark Sap. 100% guaranteed cutie mark in 10 seconds flat!' Then I tape the note really tight on the bottle, throw the rope around it. Now I only have to put the bottle in front of the door, knock it, run outside, and get ready to pull.

Scootaloo opens the door slightly and then jumps on the bottle straight away. I start to pull the bottle, and Scootaloo, towards me. The other two crusaders follow shortly after the bottle. And Scootaloo, who tries to open the bottle. She succeed, and downs the whole content. Then she let go of the bottle, slighting twisting and turning her head as if she was dizzy. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle stop running and look at Scootaloo's flank. What was in the bottle actually? The bottle was now in front of me. I pick it up, tear the taped up note of it, and...

'Vinyl Scratch's Blue Thunder. Energy drink for raving ruffians!'

Fuck. I just gave a really strong energy drink to a filly who's known for wrecking things, and covering it with tree sap.

Scootaloo stands up, pupils small, and ready to rave like a ruffian. Only she does not do the Melbourne Shuffle. She starts flying all over the place, destroying pot of plants and lamps. Tearing apart curtains and carpets. And making sure I get fired. Well okay, it's mostly my fault. I shouldn't have lured them with a bottle of 'Vinyl Scratch's Blue Thunder'.

Then the little raving ruffian starts to calm down a bit. She walks over to Apple Bloom and fully kisses her right on the mouth. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. How old are they actually? Before I can do a estimate, Scootaloo kisses Sweetie Belle full on the mouth. Great, she's a player too!

"WHAT IN CELESTIA'S NAME HAS HAPPENED HERE?!"

Oh hi boss. I was wondering where you were...

"DID YOU GIVE THAT PEGASUS FILLY A CAN OF ENERGY DRINK?!"

"Uhm, not energy drink; 'Vinyl Scratch's Blue Thunder'."

"Ha ha. Very funny. NOW LOOK AT MY PLACE! EVERYTHING IS BROKEN AROUND HERE!"

"Well... At least it's not covered in tree sap?"

-=====-

Great. Not only did I have to pay for the damage, I have to work it together elsewhere. Where can I find a job, very quick? My question is very quickly answered: I stand for a love hotel, looking for employees to start right away.

...Wait, they have love hotels over here? So these My Little Ponies aren't that innocent as I thought they were...

-=====-

I was hired right on the spot. I don't even have to wear a outfit! It isn't very different from my last job. Only here, I don't have to explain how everything works. And I'm really glad I don't have to: That would be the most embarrassing thing ever! Almost as embarrassing as it would be if The Cutie Mark Crusaders came here and rent a room!

"Hey! It's that human from last time!"

...I look down, and indeed...

"...One room fur three please."

This is so many layers of wrong...