Stallions and Hens

“Popcorn’s in the microwave.” Gilda announced as she wandered back over to the living room.

“Yay.” Flutters cheered quietly.

“So, we have a list of movies.” Gabs said happily. “What are we doing first?”

“I am going to share with you all some nerd culture,” CC announced, getting up from the couch and heading over to the video cabinet. “Specifically, nerd humor. A movie that pokes fun at itself and movies in general so that you can’t stop laughing at how silly it is.”

He had walked over to the video cabinet in this time and picked out a slim case. Turning it around as he stood up revealed the title of ‘Monty Python and the holy grail.’

“Monty Python…” Gilda frowned. “You’ve quoted that at me before.”

“You don’t know Monty Python?” Snow asked, looking a little shocked. “My parents raised me on Bitish humor.”

“I’ll give it a shot.” Gabs said, flopping herself onto the couch only for Gilda to get up as the microwave beeped.

“I’ve always been more into action movies.” Dash shrugged from her seat.

“That’s why we’re doing it in a rotation,” CC added. “My house, so I start us off, but after that y’all can figure out who picks the next movie. But these guys are hilarious. They had a television series that you can still find online and in box sets. Fuckin’ hilarious.”

“Well start it.” Gilda said, coming back with a big bowl of popcorn, a scoop, and a few paper bowls, which she set on the central coffee table.

From the moment that the movie started, the others could tell...this was going to be a trip.

The credits started ominously. … Only for subtitles to start popping up.

“What the fuck?” Gilda blinked with a snicker.

There were a few chuckles at the mentions of sacking various people. Then the tempo picked up as it became far more upbeat, flying through the last few credits with not a few mentions of hairy, hooved mammals.

“Laamas? The fuck am I watching.” Gilda blinked in confusion.

“Am I on drugs? Is this what drugs are like?” Dash asked aloud.

The screen went black. Then, the sound of hooves.

“Oh coo- the shit?” Gilda’s beaked dropped.

“Coconuts. They’re using… coconuts… But… they have hooves already.” Dash squinted at the TV.

Meanwhile Flutters, Gabs, and Snow were softly giggling. CC snickered.

“Don’t try to understand Bitish humor that hard,” he suggested through the chuckles. “Just enjoy it.”

“Who’s the other one? I am.” Gilda snorted.

“Where did they get the coconuts?.” Dash asked.

“I told him we already got one.” Snow quoted in a thick Prench accent, only for Flutters to shush him.

“Feche la vache!” CC whispered. “You’ll understand later,” he said to the confused looks of Gilda and Dash. The pair were immediately distracted by the concept of birds carrying coconuts.

“Bring out your dead.” Snow said in perfect time with the movie.

“The guy’s not dead, why is he- You know, I’m gonna stop thinking too hard about this.” Dash shook her head.

“Probably for the best.” Gilda said, chuckling as she nodded.

“Must’ve been a king,” CC nodded along with the film. Meanwhile, on his laptop, he began setting up an order for pizza for later. They’d want it after this film, he was pretty sure.

“Yeah, thirty-seven isn’t old.” Gabs commented along with the movie.

“I thought we were an autonomous collective.” Snow snickered as Flutters scooped some popcorn into a bowl.

“Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being oppressed!” CC called out when the movie got to that part.

The girls snickered.

“Who’s that dude?” Dash pointed at the screen.

“The Black Knight.” Snow said grimly.

“Okay, he’s silent but I don’t see why- SHIT!” Gilda jumped as the Knight’s arm got chopped off.

“That’s a good effect.” Gabs nodded. “Well, for the time.”

“Mhm,” CC nodded. “No actual gore, just effects, G. Still, it’s fun to watch.” The stallion nabbed a bit of popcorn to munch on as he laid back, enjoying the silly movie he was so familiar with.

“How is he alive?” Flutters asked. “He’s missing his limbs.”

“He’s got that Space Marine endurance.” Snow chuckled.

“I’ll bite your legs off. Yes!” Gilda cackled at the line.

“Thought you’d like some of this comedy,” CC snickered. “There’s bits of it sprinkled in everywhere.”

“Well that’s great.” Gilda smiled at him. “Good movie choice.”

“Ehhhmmmm, That’s not a witch.” Gabs pointed at the TV.

“That’s a fake muzzle.” Flutters blinked.

“Well it’s a parody of the medieval times, they have to throw in a reference to the witch trials somehow,” CC pointed out. “So let’s have a farce of a farce!”

“Huh, I thought the witch trials were later.” Dash hummed. “Then again, medieval times were technically around the time of the Crusades.” Dash widened her eyes and gasped. “We need to watch Kingdom of Elysium.”

“Oh, good movie.” Gilda nodded.

“Hard movie, but good movie.” Flutters agreed.

“Wasn’t Bedward Colton the king in that movie and he went uncredited?” Gilda asked.

“Yeah, and you’d never know with the prosthetics they used. That and the mask.” Dash nodded.

“Man I wish I knew what y’all were talking about,” CC quipped. “Comes of not really staying up to date on movies, I guess.”

“The Riddle Scotch movie? Came out in two-thousand five, had Orland Bloom fighting in the Holy Land, because reasons?” Gilda offered. “Then again, it is a medieval war movie.” She hummed.

“Not ringing any bells, sorry,” CC shrugged. “If you’ve got a copy of it, we can pop it in after this one to educate me about it.”

“I’m happy I have the Director’s Cut then. Studio and producers decided to chop parts of it up and it fucked with his whole vision of the movie.” Gilda nodded with a smile. “Oh, another movie we need to watch, along the same vein. Gladiator.”

“Oh, I am so down.” Dash grinned at her more-feathered friend.

“I’d prefer not to cry, thanks.” Snow commented.

“Let’s leave it up to a vote, only those that know of the movie being allowed to participate. That way I don’t stop myself from seeing new things, while those that are aware of what I might not want to see can shield me if they feel like it,” CC suggested. There was agreement all around.

“No horror movies please.” Flutters said softly.

“Depends on the movie. Even though it’s scary, The Thing, the first one, is worth a watch.” Gabs spoke up.

“Trusting you all with my entertainment for the night is going to be interesting, isn’t it?” CC mused out loud. “Like walking into a bedroom blindfolded.”

“Don’t tempt me.” Gilda said. “Hey, thought. CC, you need to go clothes shopping? I’ve been noticing that your pants are a little loose around the waist.”

“Eh, it’s the result of the exercise. Starting to lose a little pudge around the hips. I just need to wear a belt,” the stallion waved a hand to dismiss the concerns, so he thought.

“Uh uh, we’re getting you a new wardrobe.” Gilda shook her head. “At least a few new shirts and pants. All your clothes are for a fatter pony.”

“I like my shirts!” CC protested.

“Fine, if you want we can order more of those types online, but you do need pants.” Gilda countered. “Belts only go so far.”

“And here I thought that you’d try to pants me one day just for the laughs,” CC pointed out.

“Only if we’re alone. That’d be embarrassing for everyone otherwise.” Gilda poking the tip of his nose.

“I could go too.” Snow offered.

“Make a trip out of it.” Flutters smiled.

“Chat would eat that up, even though it’s not something sexy. Ish.” Gabs shrugged.

“Oh sure, my not-so-flabby ass trying out new pants. What a stream.” CC snorted a bit at that thought.

“We could all find stuff to try on and show off.” Flutters said. “Maybe find Snow some tighter shirts.”

“There aren’t any.” Snow deadpanned. “I checked.”

“The ‘Snow rips shirts by flexing’ stream,” CC countered. “How many views would that get, I wonder.”

“Tons.” Flutters said matter-of-factly though she was blushing.

“We’re making enough to afford that.” Gilda said with a nod.

“We’ll set aside a few bucks to pick up some shirts for that one day,” CC suggested. “Maybe get Flutters to put them on you and drape over your back as you flex them off in pieces.”

“Ahem… I wouldn’t be opposed to that.” Snow looked anywhere but at Flutters.

“Neither would I.” Flutters continued blushing.

“Set it for...later on down the line,” CC tapped at his phone briefly. “Get some measurements for your chest, see what sizes barely fit, get an order or three of shirts delivered.”

“I’ll need the... “ Flutters stretched, only for Gabs to hand her her laptop. “Thanks.” She immediately started typing at it.

“The Nest, the amateur porn and variety channel.” Dash commented.

“Gotta hook them somehow,” CC commented. “Cute stuff, buff stuff, nerdy stuff. We’ll try anything to get them to hang around for the lewd stuff.”

“On that note, you all should be fine to continue your debauchery.” Snow commented. “I have no doubt you’re all pent up.”

“Oh, on that note, are we really going to breed Flutters? Sounds awkward now, especially since Snow and her are so cute together.” Gilda commented, causing the pair to flush further.

“I’ll leave it up to those two to make that call,” CC said. “What, was it one of the donors that suggested we do that? Personal feelings come first, we’re not about to turn this channel into drama just for money.”

Flutters gulped as she blushed further. “I-I asked Chat a question…”

“What?” Dash asked.

“S-should CC breed me… O-or should Snow do it?” Flutters managed to get out. Snow stared at her as his small wings shot out straight.

“Whelp, there goes any hopes of this being a quiet night,” CC said out loud, as if talking to himself. He cleared his throat and glanced over at the butter mare. “And, what did the perverts say?” he dared to ask.

Snow looked over her shoulder. “Chat wants us to… ahem… make Amazon babies to rival a griffon’s. Well fuck.”

“We don’t need to do this now. Today has been nice and we don’t need to end it with sex.” Flutters shook her head.

“True. We have movies to watch. We can plan for things like that.” Gilda nodded. “We can just relax and worry about it later.”

“Yeah, they still haven’t gotten back to us about Gemma from the beach the other day,” CC quipped. “Chat can be slow on some issues.”

“It’s like a roundtable conference in there sometimes.” Flutters giggled. “It’s not as anarchic as you’d expect it to be.”

“Why do porn sites have a nicer comment section than YouTube?” Dash mused aloud.

“It’s all the endorphins that come after jacking off, floods the brain into being nicer,” CC mockingly suggested.

“So, post-nut clarity?” Dash raised a brow.

“It’s real.” Snow nodded.

“Poor Snowy,” Flutters said, looking at him.

“A guy gets lonely.” Snow mumbled.

“This is also why I typically only look at cute videos online and never read comment sections for them, because I don’t need my brain bleach videos ruined,” CC added on.

“Depends on the video.” Dash shrugged.

“There are some comments that have really good points.” Gabs added.

“Yeah, but I’m there for the video, not the comment threads,” CC rolled his eyes.

“Video first, depending on the video, then some comments.” Gilda said. “Like if it’s a drama video, fuck no. But if it’s like some fan film or something, hell yeah.”

“I should show y’all some of the channels I know of one day,” CC chuckled. “There’s pretty damn interesting stuff if you know where to look.”

“This is true.” Gilda nodded.

“I like SaveAFox.” Flutters said quietly.

“Sounds like fun.” Gabs added.

Dash looked back to the TV. “What the fuck? Is that Faust?”

“Yep, that’s the Goddess alright.” Snow nodded.

“Stop grovelling.” Gilda snorted.

“Yes goddess Gilda,” CC intoned in a deadpan.

“Oh don’t you make me break out the gear.” Gilda smirked at him.

“Oh, so now we hit the plot of the movie.” Dash commented. “The Holy Grail.”

“Mhm, let’s see if they find it,” CC nodded. “Not exactly the easiest of tasks.”

“‘Allo!” Snow said in a thick Prench accent.

“What.. Wat?” Dash blinked as Flutters giggled.

“HA! He’s already got one!” Gilda barked a laugh, as Dash started cackling at the insults the guard was throwing at Arthur and his stallions.

“And now we learn the value in taking Improvised Weapon as a stat,” CC mused out loud.

“Fuck that, Throw Anything.” Gilda countered, right as objects started being hurled at the knights from the castle. “Ha! See?”

“What’s that one picture online? ‘I’ll hit a motherbucker with another motherbucker?’” CC quipped.

“Pony Shuriken!” Gabs cried out.

“So, like Snow yeeting CC.” Dash snorted.

“Pony Javelin, more like,” CC said, casting a glance at the more solidly built pegasus.

“Fastball Special.” Snow said with a shrug.

“Remind me never to play baseball with you,” CC shuddered.

“Never did Baseball, was a wrestling kid.” Snow chuckled. “And I do not want to get pinned by Gilda thank you very much, I’ve seen some of the results of her matches.”

“You’re Faust-damned right.” Gilda grinned at him.

“Man I’m glad G likes me enough to not seriously try to wrestle with me,” CC said out loud. “I’m pretty sure my mom would hate it if she didn’t end up with grandfoals because of a wrestling accident in the bedroom.”

“Hey. I’d never hurt the jewels, those are special.” Gilda countered.

“Noted, still not going to try wrestling against you,” CC nodded as he reaffirmed his self-preservation instincts.

“Too much.” She stuck her tongue out as she hugged him.

“Oh fuck.” Dash looked a little ill. “The tale of Sir Robin…”

“Hmm?” CC looked over at the prismatic pegasus.

“That bard-whatever needs to stop. That was…” Dash groaned. “The song…” She waved a hand at the TV.

“Oh, don’t worry about the bards,” CC smirked. “They’re not there for the whole movie.”

Dash blinked. “Kay, I need to see this.”

“And there was much rejoicing.” Snow mumbled.

“And that’s a three-headed pony.” Gilda announced.

“Why not just use a cerberus?” Flutters asked.

“Because it’s funnier that way?” Gabs shrugged.

“I am a knight of the round table,” CC said along with Robin. “Mouth, meet hoof.”

“Bravely ran away, away.” Snow sang with the bards.

“You have to not take the movie too seriously, otherwise you won’t enjoy it,” CC commented to Gilda and Dash.

“Trying not to.” Gilda snickered.

“Robin’s a pussy.” Dash snorted.

“Mhm,” CC nodded along. “He takes ‘discretion is the better part of valour’ seriously.”

“I hope Galahad is better.” Dash grumbled.

“And scantily clad mare… I’ve seen enough porn to know where this is going.” Gabs said aloud.

“Ohsnap, I managed to completely forget about that bit,” CC sat up. “I mean it doesn’t go anywhere, but still, you get all the implications to know that this is not a movie for kids.”

“Castle Anthrax?!” Gilda snapped with a wheeze.

“And now there’s more mares.” Gabs grinned.

“I think it’s supposed to be a convent of mares sent to be pious, away from the temptation of stallions,” CC supplied.

“I can tell. Sir Galahad… the Chaste.” Gilda chuckled at the line.

“Why are there so many?!” Dash yelped. “Where are they all coming from?”

“It is a convent. I think.” Flutters commented.

“Spankings. Because, of course.” Dash rolled her eyes.

“Why would he want to leave?” Gabs asked. “Wait, right, he’s a knight.”

“Well maybe I could stay for a bit longer,” CC spoke along with the knight on screen. “Ah yes, speaking to the modern stallion there.”

“Well they all offered bjs.” Gabs added.

“No wonder he doesn’t want to- Dammit Lancelot!” Gilda pointed at the TV. “Why must you ruin this for him?!”

“Lancelot: The eternal cockblock,” CC commented solemnly.

“Dickhead!” Gilda snapped at the TV.

“Get on with it.” Dash groaned.

“The Bridge of Death over the Gorge of Eternal Peril, sounds lovely.” Gabs grinned happily.

“Heheh,” CC nodded. “Well, now we get to see Robin prove himself.”

“The Knights who say Nee! Noooooo!” Snow yelled. “It’s gonna get stuck in my head again.”

“Nee.” Flutters giggled.

“Nee!” CC said dramatically. “And it only gets worse from there.”

“What’s a shrubbery?” Dash blinked in confusion.

“It’s just an area where shrubs are planted.” Flutters explained.

“Sooo… He’s supposed to return with a small bush?” Dash narrowed her eyes.

“Yep.” Snow nodded.

“Shoulda asked Galahad, I’m sure he coulda gotten a load of ‘small bushes’,” CC quipped.

“Oh ha ha.” Gilda nudged him.

“Great, we’re back to Lancelot- what the fuck?” Dash blinked.

“He’s very...dramatic,” CC supplied. “Think a medieval version of you, intent on doing things in the most over-the-top manner possible.”

“Dash, you, if you were into theater.” Gilda said.

“Ooooooh! Gotcha.” Dash nodded. “Heh, nerd.”

“Oh fuck it’s self aware! They can hear the music!” Gabs giggled aloud.

“No you stay here, and make sure he doesn’t leave.” Snow quoted with a laugh.

“This is why you don’t hire from Goons-R-Us,” CC noted aloud. “Their standards have only gotten more lax.”

“Ah, this is so fucking dumb, but I love it.” Gilda snickered into her talons.

“How did they get through this without laughing?” Flutters asked through giggles.

“There’s actually a book out about that, they really over-produced some scenes,” CC supplied helpfully. “And basically, if they themselves weren’t grinning as they were doing it, then it wasn’t a good scene, and they’d go back and make it more funny. Seriously, the cameraponies were trying to get fog for that hopping-over-the-river scene, and the actor himself said ‘Is the fog funny?’ after like the fifth take. And when the cameraponies couldn’t give him an answer to that question, they finished the scene in the next take.”

“Oh that’s great!” Gilda grinned.

~thunk~ “Message for you sir!”

“Ahahahaha!” Gilda lost it.

“Ah yes, medieval delivery system. Message tied to arrow. Medieval receiving system...eh, the nearest torso,” CC quipped.

“I’ll just stay here.” Dash was doing her best holding in her laughs.

“Oh no…” Gilda looked up.

“Of course he confused him for a lady!” Gabs laughed.

“You even kicked the bride in the chest!” Gilda was back to losing it. “That’s ama-hay-zing!”

“You only killed the bride’s father!” CC pointed out. “Well at least no in-laws to worry about.”

“Lancelot is the definition of shoot first, ask questions never.” Snow added.

“Also, as we saw in Castle Anthrax, a cockblock,” CC pointed out.

“He is the worst knight.” Gilda said, taking slow breaths.

“Didn’t he bang Gwenevere, Arthur’s wife?” Snow asked. “Like in the original myth?”

“I’d need to read the book, but I think it was that that created the black knight that brought Arthur to his knees,” CC agreed. “Name escapes me, I think it was Mordred. But it was either his wife’s infidelity that did it or- no, no.” He snapped his fingers. “It was Arthur’s infidelity with Morgan Le Fay that brought about the black knight that brought about the end of his reign.” He shrugged. “Might’ve been driven by her infidelity, though. Oh, but, in the original myth, Galahad is the product of Lancelot and Gwenevere’s tryst, and he’s the one that finds the Grail.”

“Yes. You’re right.” Snow nodded, pointing at him.

“And it’s gonna be- Nope not a musical number.” Dash sighed. “Thank Faust.”

“Hey! We’re back to Arthur!” Gabs said happily. “And his quest for a small bush.”

“No, never, we’ve no shrubberies here,” CC said along with the woman on screen. “Nobody here but us earth ponies.”

“Nee!” All the girls said in unison.

“Dammit.” Snow face-palmed.

“Embrace the Nee,” CC suggested. “It’s a silly movie, go with it.”

“He’s a shrubber.” Dash snorted.

“Nee!” Flutters cried.

“No, no no.” Snow chuckled.

“Another bush?! Really?” Gilda blinked. “A herring?! What the actual fuck?”

“‘Ey! Robin’s back!” Gabs pointed at the TV like an excited child.

“And now to interrupt your regularly scheduled absurdity with different absurdity,” CC said in the tone of a newscaster.

“Forced to eat the minstrels!” Dash barked a laugh.

“And there was much rejoicing!” Gilda laughed along with her.

“Told you they’d not be around long!” CC chuckled.

“They call me…. Tim.” Snow intoned deeply.

“Oh my…” Flutters blushed.

“And now the most horrifying creature.” Snow added.

“What, is it behind the rabbit?” CC asked on cue.

“It is the rabbit ya git!” Snow quoted.

“But it’s just a cute little- WHAT THE FUCK?!” Flutters yelped.

“I warned you!” CC snickered. “Never underestimate a rabbit!”

“No! Don’t charge you idiots!” Dash jumped up.

“Run away!” Snow started laughing.

“Would it help to confuse it if we ran away more, sire?” CC quoted along with the movie.

“Did I just hear the name The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch? Is this where that’s from?” Gilda blinked.

“Mhm,” CC nodded. “Modern problems require modern solutions.”

“One. Two. Five. Three, sir, three! Three!” Snow quipped.

“And I think they got it.” Gilda raised a brow.

“Is the bunny okay?” Flutters asked from behind her wings.

“He’s just fine Flutters.” Dash said with a nod, as the scene transitioned.

“Yay.”

“Yeah, in the whole it-attacking-them bit, it was clearly a puppet or a prop, and there was a cut between when the grenade landed and when it exploded where there was no rabbit. They took it out of the way, Flutters, you’re fine. But still, movie magic. Huzzah,” CC explained.

“The castle of… Uuuuuuuuugh…” Snow groaned out a gargle.

“Duh fuck?” Gilda blinked.

“He must’ve died while carving it,” CC noted in time with the movie.

“No, no no, Ooooooo, as in surprise and alarm.” Snow added.

“The animator suffered a fatal heart attack,” CC said as the knights ran from the black beast of Aaaargh “The cartoon peril was no more.”

“What even is this movie?” Dash chuckled.

“You should see the TV series.” Snow commented.

“I can name like three sketches off the top of my head that should tell you what Monty Python is all about just from the titles,” CC agreed. “The Dead Parrot, The Ministry of Silly Walks, and How Not to be Seen.”

“Those are my top three. Or paying for an argument.” Snow nodded.

“Oh, they brought it back! They brought the Swallow joke back!” Gilda cheered.

“Zebrican or European?” Snow chuckled.

“And this is why you check all the little rules about a magical site before you agree to guard it,” CC noted as the bridge-stallion flew into the air.

“Camelot!” Dash cheered.

“Yay.”

“Give it a sec.” Snow said.

“Oh fuck! The Prench ponies are back!” Gilda started laughing again.

“Prepare to attack!” CC called after Arthur and his loyal knight ran back from the castle.

“Hell yeah! Thi- What the fuck?” Gilda blinked, stunned. “Oh fuck! The cops!”

“Well they have been going around murdering people and blowing things up,” CC noted. “And on that anticlimax, the movie is over.”

“That was a trip.” Dash sighed.

“A good trip.” Gilda chuckled.

“Nerd humor is like that,” CC smiled, going up to take the disc out. “Anyways. Give me a few minutes to take this out and order some pizzas for us, and y’all can pick the next movie to infect the night with.”

It was going to be a great night.