As I Lie

I don't know what to say.

I really don't, Rainbow. I...I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I...I'm glad that you went peacefully, in your sleep, but...I feel bad, because...I'm the one who put you to sleep.

You say I should be happy, and I'd love to, if only for you...but I don't know how to. My life seems so...empty. You were that speck of color that brought everything to life.

And you always have been.

I remember back when we were just friends, and...if anything, I...just want to at least go back to there. Even if it means forgetting everything that happened, every single wonderful second on just that one night...I just want to see you again.

I've always wanted to.

I guess that's why I liked you so much...each visit left me wanting more, no matter how I felt before. I could be sad, and be cheered up by the time you left. We could talk, just a simple talk, and I'd feel that much better afterwards. I even sung for joy when I knew I would see you again.

And I did even more.

I always dreamed of what we could have, Rainbow. We could spend a night under the stars, pointing this way and that at the stars, and then, by accident...we'd bump hooves while pointing to the same spot. We'd both turn...and just look into the other's eyes...there would be nothing but each other...and then, we would close our eyes...lean forward, and...

Oh dear! I...I think I day-dreamed a bit! I'm sorry!

...a-anyways, I...I'm here for a reason. I just wanted you to know...we all miss you. A lot...and, I...I wanted to say...

"...goodbye."

The last word came out in a strangled whisper, as my head finally dropped. I'd done well holding off my tears, but...even now, I couldn't help but to let one past. I probably looked horrible in her eyes.

I felt a hoof come over my shoulder, and for a brief second, I thought it was her, but...it was wishful thinking.

"I know it ain't easy, sugarcube. But you're doin' just fine. This is th' first step."

I looked up, away from the ground, just for a second. Applejack was smiling at me, and...it wasn't the biggest or happiest one...but it helped.

My words wouldn't come out, though. Instead, I just looked back down, though not quite to the floor. Instead, I found myself looking once again at the gray lump that made me want to start crying again, inscribed as simply as possible.

'Rainbow Dash

Element of Loyalty

March 3rd, 979- April 9th, 1002 C.R.

"I'd never leave my friends hangin'!"'

I think Applejack noticed that I was only getting worse, and I felt a gentle tug. "C'mon. You said what y'wanted to. You don't have to beat yourself up any more."

As much as I wanted to shove her off and cry the hardest I ever had, somewhere deep down...I knew she was right.

I wouldn't get anywhere by doing this, just like Rainbow said herself. The best way I could show her how much I cared about and loved her, was to...as much as I hated it, move on.

I allowed myself to be led away by Applejack, feeling the sadness pang me once again. I...I couldn't do it.

Along with the roses I left on her her grave, I left one other thing, one thing that I might never get back.

My heart.