As I Lie

by Dimondium

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Sad, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Fluttershy, Sex
Length: 13430

Deathbeds and Decisions...

One pony must come to terms with her final wishes, and only her friends can help.

One in particular, more than others.

Published 2012-08-21 07:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-26 15:17:55 UTC

(Almost) The Whole Thing

It's soft.

The thing that I'm on feels...soft. Somehow, that seems anticlimactic, though I'm not sure why. My wings hurt like a mother-bucker, my hind legs hurt even worse, and my head is no better than everything else. I sit-or lay, who knows-there for a while, trying to figure out why in Equestria I would be on such a soft place after such a bad accident.

Accident. The word strikes me, and I remember those fateful moments that apparently led here. A new trick that I was, of course, just dying to show my friends. A gust of wind throwing me just a little bit off. The impact.

The voices. The voices of the girls crying out in concern first, and then shock and fear. Some louder than others managed to come to mind:

"Is her wing supposed to be twisted like that? And what about her legs? Eee-ewww!"

Pinkie Pie. Always the one who can't grasp a situation's gravity.

"Holy mother o' Celestia...Dash! Ya'll right? That was quite a spi-HOLY HORSE APPLES!"

Applejack. I gotta' say, it took a few seconds for her to catch on.

I think Fluttershy just whimpered or something. Of course she would. I'm not quite sure of Rarity, though she probably made a comment about all the dust and stuff that I kicked up.

My brain was suddenly reeling in reverse as I felt someone poking, poking, poking, and still poking at my shoulder. I made a half hearted slap at them, groaning. "Go away."

"She's up! I told you it'd work, Twilight!"

"That should be a medical impossibility, but...all right then. How are you feeling, Rainbow?"

I tried to pry my eyelids open, with a somewhat succession. They opened and stayed open, all right, but my vision was more messed up than Pinkie drinking coffee. I did somehow make out the forms of my friends near me, though; yet I couldn't see any details. Just colored blurs.

Speaking was a difficult effort, but still manageable. "Can't see. Stuff hurts." I bluntly told them.

"I wouldn't be surprised," said the blur that looked to be Twilight. "You did kind of smash into a tree at near terminal velocity..."

A tree. A bucking tree. Me, done in by a tree. I'm trying to be angry, but it's just so funny. The effort needed to laugh seems huge, and I feel tired already.

I manage to grope the sides of wherever I am-I'll guess it's a hospital bed, from the smell of clean stuff-and find my left hoof on something plastic. It's the last thing I expect to find...if I knew what it was.

My right hoof lands on to what feels to be another. I turn my gaze that way, seeing nothing but two big splotches of color: yellow, and pink.

Fluttershy.

I now remember why my mind really started backing up so quickly, as if in a hurry to get back to whatever it found important. It was because of her.

Me and Fluttershy go way back, like, way way back. Ever since I met her way back as a filly in Flight School, we were great friends and stuff. We got sorta' close later on-she'd come by my house asking for comfort when someone bullied her particularly bad one day, and I'd gladly do it. What else were friends for?

The difference is that she stopped at 'friends'. While she always did seem to want to help me every single time I got a paper cut, I suppose that's what I grew into. In a way, even at an age just barely out of Flight School, I got into a sort of...'girl crush' with her. You know, "I'm not sure if I go that way, but I'd totally hit that if I did". And it went from there to 'actual crush', and even up to 'mare of my dreams' by the time last year came around. She never changed that much, so neither did my attitude towards her.

I never quite imagined that I'd actually be like...in love. I thought that the stuff they talked about was just in those stupid books and stuff. But 'one heart beats for another' actually kind of made sense now.

I was returned from my senses by the feeling of something being placed over my muzzle. I try to slap it off, but I'm weaker than a cricket with half its legs snapped off. A few groans of protest are all that come out of my mouth at all. As I hear a gentle 'wheesh-whoosh' begin, my eyes catch up to tell me that the girls are gone. No blurs that resemble my friends, only a deep brown blur of...whoever. I must have either thought way too hard, and slipped into a trance, or I spontaneously fell asleep.

Regardless, I don't last long. Between the pain, a sudden sense of exhaustion, and a strange feeling of well-being, my eyes start fluttering shut despite my best efforts. I want to stay up, to see, to talk, to tell, to joke...

It's no use, though. My eyes are down. I can feel my breathing slowly steadying, and the pain's going away just by a little bit.

My dreams are black and empty.

The next time I manage to drag my eyes open, I am met with the same blurs that I've come to associate with my friends. The brown one is back, too. I can hear very quiet chatter going on, and...somepony's crying...

"How are you feeling, Miss Dash?" The sudden question from a stallion's voice almost makes me jump-if I could have-until I realize it most likely came from the brown spot in my vision.

I take stock of how I do feel at the moment. While yesterday I could say that I hurt, today it's quite the opposite. Though it's a war in itself to move a muscle, there's no pain anymore. I inform the voice of this, and there's a silence that follows.

"Rainbow Dash, I'll just cut to the chase." The gruff bluntness of his voice is starting to scare me a little-I sure hope he's the doctor, and not a robber of some sort. I hear him clear his throat, and begin, though half of it makes no sense.

"You took a severe blow to your optical nerve center, rendering your refractory corneas half-useless. Your wings suffered three-yes, three-compound fractures, which would-" Would? What? "-require extensive surgery to mend. Your hind legs have a more clean break line, or what we call in layman's terms, simply 'a broken bone' on each side. To be specific, the femur. You also seem to...erm, have a mild concussion, and..."

There's a long, a very long silence that follows, and it's certainly awkward. Even the gently weeping pony has stopped crying while lying in wait. "...I hate to have to tell you this, but...you won't live to see the next week."

"What?!" If I could have bolted up and grabbed him in confused anger, I might have. Just projecting that word to show my surprise took a lot of effort, and I now find my throat searing. I don't get any further before he chimes back in.

"I'm surprised you didn't notice the casts around your legs and wings, but that's besides the point." In what way, genius? "Given lots of time, you could make a full recovery, but...you don't have lots of time at all.

"You see...well, we don't quite KNOW, besides one fact. It appears that your injuries have nothing to do with your well-being. At first, our best doctors were stumped as to what was going on. But then we brought in a specialist, and...well, physical injury is the least of your problems, Rainbow Dash. The thing you have to worry about most, is the fact that you contracted a magical disease."

"In English, please?" Dang, this guy does not know how to use simple words. But I had a feeling what he was saying was bad, and as such, I felt a swarm of supposed butterflies creep into my stomach. This was not good.

"You're terminally ill, Rainbow Dash." I froze. Something that I understood to an extent, yes, but that didn't mean I liked it.

"What."

The brown speck was pacing now, almost as if he were as nervous as I were just seconds ago. "Yes. See, magic can help ponykind a lot, but there are...times when it goes wrong. It strikes without warning, discernible source, or reason, and it isn't something we can quite fix. I'm...sorry, but that's how it is..."

It was the biggest slap in the face I'd ever gotten. No flying for a while would be bad enough, but I'd live and recover, out in no time. But...this? Being stuck in a hospital bed, doomed to die? Why me? Why in Celestia's name was it me? I had dreams and goals! I still had to get into the Wonderbolts, and I still had to make all of Equestria remember me!

I hardly noticed by now that I was shaking, when a familiar, ordinarily annoying voice chimed in. "Aww, don't cry Dashie! Look on the bright side! At least...um...ummmm..."

Cry? Rainbow Dash does not cry. Crying is for total dweebs and feather-brains.

I guess you'd have to call me a dweeb, though. Because as the first tear finally managed to break free of its prison, I was no longer in power to stop it. And its friends followed quickly.

The only thing I could do was to accept what I'd given into, and to relax into the collective embrace of my friends.

Comfort seemed far away.

By the time I came to again, I didn't even so much as see anything but an overwhelming whiteness. My instinctive cry for help was quickly cut off by a gentle voice speaking out.

"Shhh, it's okay. We're still here, all of us."

The panic slowly died down for two reasons: one, I wasn't about to...you know earlier than I thought, and...because it was her. Fluttershy.

Come on, the pony did have a knack for calming anypony or thing down.

My head flopped back onto the pillow, and it only took a second before I had to ask. It was a question that had been bugging me forever, but it still came out in just a tiny mewl.

"...what's gonna happen to me?"

Of course, I did know, but...I...didn't. I mean...what was it like? Did it hurt much? What happened after? NOTHING?

"I like to think that you go to the biggest, funnest, never-ending party!" Pinkie chimed in. By now, her voice was the easiest to recognize.

"Gee...thanks, Pinkie." Apparently my sarcasm was busted, because that happened to come out way different than I thought.

"Oh, the poor thing!" Another one of my friends spoke out, and judging by her speech, it was Rarity. "Hurt, confused, and..." I caught the pause incredibly easily, as she...sniffed (I think), and started over. "...anyways, darling, if there's anything we can do, anything, please tell us! There's no reason to be uncomfortable just because you're..."

As she trailed off again, I interjected. "Dying."

The hush fell over the room instantly, as I said 'that' word. And honestly, I wasn't the least bit ashamed. I knew what was happening, I just didn't know what was going to happen on the way. "Yeah, I...I said it."

The world beyond me seemed to shift, and it stayed entirely quiet. My heart took the opportunity to rise into my throat, as another question eventually forced its way past my lips:

"...I...what will you guys do? When I'm..." I couldn't even finish the sentence myself.

I could hear indistinct mumbling, before the room quieted again. "We...we aren't sure what you mean, Rainbow. What will we do...?" Twilight-I think-definitely sounded confused.

"Like...will you remember me? Or will I just be another faded memory? Will I have left nothing? And what will I even do? I haven't experienced half of life itself, and now I can't! I...I just can't!" By the time I came to the end of my tirade, I was literally shouting. I didn't care how much my throat burned, or how many tears cascaded down my cheeks. It was...or it could be over. That was just...it.

As I felt an attempted hug breach my space, I instantly recoiled for all I was worth, slapping it away with all the strength I had left. "Get away from me!"

I heard a rather large thud-maybe I still did have strength-followed by a half-annoyed, half-worried speaker. "Ow! Now sugarcube, what in tarnation's gotten into ya', besides some fancy schmancy doctor jargon?"

"I...I...I just can't do this all at once, all right?" My own voice sounded far away, and hollow. As if it weren't my own. "I...I need some time to think. Maybe go one-on-one. It's just...a little hard to do this all at once."

"Do what?"

I could say I was expecting that question, but that might have been flat-out lying. And just as well that I didn't get to speak up, either.

"Can't you see, girls? She's overwhelmed by us all attacking her. I know that we all feel bad, but we can't just stress her even more than she is. She has to think, if anything. We...we all do."

I felt a general chorus of agreement all around me, and...I don't know why, but I called out at what I thought to be the last second- "Wait!"

The silence almost killed me, until I realized they were waiting for me to continue. "I...Fluttershy, could...you stay?" Wait, what? Why was I saying that? "I...have to say something to you."

Sometimes, my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own.

But it wasn't like I could take it back. All I could do was hear the constant sound of hoofsteps, the clicking of the door, and finally, the sound of only one set of hooves.

I could hear a pause, and then a hesitant voice made itself clear. "Y-yes...?"

Just the sound of her voice, which wavered between crying and flying to the moon, or both, made me think twice. Just...the most fragile, gentle soul I'd met. I mean, I...I knew what my mouth was getting at, but...I couldn't just tell her! Not unless I wanted to scare her away from me for the rest of my life, which...well, wouldn't be that long.

I did have to say something to comfort her, though. I had a feeling she was taking it even worse than I was.

"Fluttershy, I...I just want to thank you. For staying with me all this time, ever since we first met in Flight School. That...that's true loyalty. I just want you to promise you'll stay with me now, like you have all this time. It'll make me feel a lot better, and...it might help me..."

Once again, I found myself losing control of my emotions. One second, I was held high, and the next, I was shaking once again, and the next I knew, I had my forehooves held to my face in a useless attempt to shield my tears from the world. Not that they were flowing, because I assumed my eyes were covered by bandages, but I still reacted much the same. And if my lowered ears weren't enough sign, my sudden, jerking sobs sure were.

And it was all I could do. All I, Rainbow Dash, could do, was...cry. For all I'd lost, for the future, for my friends...

I felt a hesitant presence in front of me, and unlike before, I didn't bat it away. Instead, I lunged forward, drawing a likely surprised Fluttershy into a very, very tight hug as I pretty much sobbed for my life.

As I felt an ever so gentle, yet persistent, patting on the back, she spoke in that hushed whisper voice of hers. "There, there, it's all right. I'm right here. Everything will be OK."

While I realized how full of baloney that all of that was, the simple tone and sound of her voice was enough to calm me just a little bit if anything.

I don't know how long I stayed in that hug, but I do know that I felt horrible, yet great at the same time. It...it was hard to describe. It was like...I was scared, but safe, if it made sense. Each second was both pure bliss and emotional torment.

And by the time I relaxed enough to let go, I felt tired enough to fall straight into sleep.

My dreams were occupied as soon as they started.

I couldn't see anything, but I heard. Just the most angelic singing I'd ever heard. Instinctively, I ran towards it, but the more I ran, the softer it got. By the time it was just a mere whisper, by the time I felt worn out and lay upon...the 'ground', I heard a voice.

"Good night, Rainbow. Sleep tight."

The sensation to wake me was nothing more than a simple poke to my forehead.

I woke-or so it seemed-to the same blinding white that I'd come to know. But now, instead of being terrified, I felt...warm. Fuzzy. Almost dizzy, in a way.

I sighed, reclining back down into my bed as I realized I likely wouldn't be going anywhere. It was quiet. Way too q-

Almost immediately, I had to redact that thought as I heard somepony try to stifle a giggle. I rolled my eyes-at least, I think I did-before talking to what I assumed was a certain pony.

"Pinkie, I know it's you."

"Ooh, you're good! Say, feelin' better?"

As crazy as it sounded... "Yeah, I think I am. At least, physically."

"That's probably from all the morphine they put in ya'!"

"The morphing what?"

"Silly Dashie! There aren't any geocolts in you!"

Geo...wha? I knew Pinkie was Pinkie, but what in Equestria was she talking about? I...not even a clue.

"So...why can't I see anything?" Another question that bugged me.

"Because you have bandages over your eyes, silly! But I think you don't need them, it's just so you don't have to be all squinty and hurt your eyes!"

I groaned. As if I needed another unnecessary burden. Another soft, feathery, dreamy white burden...

I lifted a hoof to my head, trying to take them off, but it flopped down, and I giggled. Silly hoof! You can't even stay up!

"The morphine seems to be taking effect..." A giggly voice besides my own said. It sounded funny, like rainbows mixed with puppies. "Here, do you want to see? You don't need the bandages. I'm pretty sure."

I nodded, before giggling again. See. See see see c seeee-ahhh. That was a weird word. I see the sea in the shape of a C!

The white went away, and then I was sad, but then I saw two little blurry things. One was like...as pink as a pony thrown into a paint can, and the other was yellow with bubbleygum hair. She looked pretty.

What was her name? Fwuttashy? Something like that. But why was she sad? She was...well, crying! A blurry picture, but she was crying! That was bad!

I reached for what I thought was her hoof, and smiled again. "Don't be sad, Miss 'Shy!" I giggled again, because that made her sound like my boss or something. "I'm still here!"

She looked at me with really wide eyes, before turning away again, all sad. "Th-...that's exactly why I...I'm...oh dear."

Now she was gettin' to me! Sadsies all around! I had to do something! "Shy. Flutter Flutter Fluttershy!" Ah, so there was her name! Because she turned around pretty quickly.

"Aw, c'mon, you know that's no way to act!" I said, bringing her a big smile of my own. Maybe if I spread the joy and warmth, she'd feel it too! "You know I love you, so why are you bein' all weird and...shy and stuff!"

I really wondered what was wrong, because then she jumped back with an 'eep'! "I...w-what did you just say?"

Aha, there! She was just unsure of herself, kind of like she was shy...Fluttershy...ha, it made sense! "You heard me, I said I love you!"

I think Fluttershy is allergic to love, because her face started turning as red as a tomato. She started stuttering like she couldn't keep still, and finally she talked: "I-I-I think I should j-just go..."

As I watched her dash out the door, I managed a bad frown. What had just happened? She was still sad. Huh.

"5...4..." Oh hey, the pink one was counting down!

"3...2..."

Ugh, I feel...dizzy...

"1..."

Like, a lot.

"0."

As I woke up, I noticed that the room was empty, save for an inactive blob of purple slowly, and steadily moving in the patterns of sleep.

I thought it best not to wake her, and instead pondered the last time I'd been awake...it was all really foggy past 'geocolts', and I swear that my head was killing me somewhere between there, and...

"Oh SHIT!"

When a pony is truly surprised, that is definitely the go-to phrase. And as such, I didn't try to stop in the least as everything came flooding back to me. The strange childlike state of mind, the...morphing whatever...it hit me. Not only had I been put under some sort of drug, but...well, oh SHIT.

Almost immediately, Twilight the Blob jerked awake. "What is it? Are you hurt? Is it-"

"No, it's much worse!" I said. "I bucked up so bad yesterday!"

The purple form seemed to relax a bit. "Rainbow, you complained of pain, and were later given an administration of morphine to quell the pain. How is that 'bucking up'?"

"I..." Oh jeez, how could I tell her? How I just went and spilled my lifelong secret? How I potentially scared off one of my friends for an indeterminate amount of time? How I acted like a complete foal, both in speech and in the fact that I tossed the most complicated thing in my life out there for the world to hear?

"...you did? How?"

...did I say that out loud? The...last part?

"Yes, you did. As well as that."

Buck. I really have to learn to filter these things.

Instead of drawing attention to my thought-tossing, Twilight instead pressed onwards. "So what could possibly have enough stigma that you keep it secret your whole life?"

I sighed, waving her off. "Twilight, if I wanted to talk about it, I would have told you. It's fine."

I half expected her to start ranting, pestering me and insisting that it wasn't. Instead, I felt just a gentle touch on my shoulder, completely opposite of what I'd expected. I turned my head, startled for whatever reason.

I blinked once, twice, and three times as I realized-I could see clearly again. But my joy quickly dissipated as what I saw was anything but uplifting.

It was Twilight who'd lay her hoof on my shoulder with that gentle touch, but her face...it worried me. It looked somewhere between 'hurt', and 'ready to cry my eyes out'. I noticed a faint glowing from her horn, which was already fading just at the slowest speed.

As it disappeared, she finally spoke, with a voice that cracked with strained composure. "Rainbow, I can't help you, unless you let me. I can do superficial things, such as fix your vision. But...if you refuse to let me be there for you, what you're doing is not allowing me to repay the loyalty that you so willingly give out."

I swallowed as my throat suddenly ran dry, and the silence in the room nearly stabbed me in the heart. "But Twilight, I just don't-"

"You just don't feel you should share, I know." In an instant, her voice changed from wavering, to overcompensating indignity. "It's the principle, Rainbow. The girls and I don’t like this either, Rainbow, but we're doing all we possibly can. We're all trying to cope, and it's not easy. It's not easy for you, I'm sure, since you have to...'come to terms'. We're giving all we can to help, but to give, there must be a recipient."

"You're totally misunderstanding what I meant, Twilight." The explanation sounded weak the second it followed my interjection. "There are certain things I'd rather not say."

"Oh, I understand. You don't want your friends to be there for you, you don't want to share any of your troubles, you don't want comfort, and you certainly don't-"

I shut her out, taking a deep breath, and another. This was going to hurt quite a lot, whether or not it worked.

"TWILIGHT!"

Even as my throat burned terribly, I knew it had worked. She stopped immediately, glaring at me with what I assumed was 'hatred'-but it wasn't, and I knew that. I had her right where she needed to be.

"Look at yourself, Twilight!" My voice was a lot quieter, but she was definitely close enough to hear. "This isn't you!"

It took a few seconds for the reality to sink in, but it did, all right. Her gaze softened, and she suddenly tore from my bedside, pacing back and forth while mumbling.

I didn't catch much, but what I did hear was indication enough: "...yelling at my own friends...treated entirely wrong..."

I cleared my throat gently, which caused her head to snap up. And for a few seconds, I could have sworn that I literally broke her. Her face was clearly marked in tears, ones that hadn't even been given any warning to their presence. She just stared, and then there finally came a point where her head dropped.

"I...I've got to think for a while..." And just as simple as that, Twilight turned for the door and left with a speed that I could be jealous of, myself. So fast, that I didn't even have time enough to stop her.

It was only seconds before the utter silence kicked in, and time seemed to slow down. I became fidgety, which made me make the mistake of moving my hind legs-let's just say that when they came down, it hurt.

I was bored.

And as it did when I was bored, my mind started to wander. Did I really have to refuse to tell her that much? I mean, she was one of my best friends, and...heck, she seemed to be the one who could help. I mean, she was doing the best she could, seeing as-

I flinched as I realized what I was headed towards. But as much as I tried to steer away, Twilight's words made sense. 'Come to terms'...

I couldn't run from this. I had to face it.

With that, I allowed myself onwards...

What have I truly done?

Have I really made any progress? I've tried endlessly to get in the Wonderbolts, falling away each time.

But then ponies tell me-the effort counts more for anything. But...

The pure sensation of flight gives me life. The breeze, the lifting feeling, the freedom...and to be able to combine it with awesomeness is just a bonus.

And the fact that I'd had the chance to show every jerk up in Flight School while pulling off the best trick ever...

OK, that was definitely worth it. Pft, 'Rainbow Crash'. Serves them right.

But beyond that, I eventually got stuck in weather patrol. I mean, sure I got to slack off, but...who remembered a weathermare?

I'm not ready to end like that. I want to go as 'Rainbow Dash, best Pegasus in Equestria'. Not 'Rainbow Dash, Weather Pony'. Come on, where's the ring to it?

Feh, what did it matter. Nothing really meant anything anymore. I just might as well rot into-

I could apparently think really hard, because I jumped the second I heard the door handle turn. That was a mistake, of course, because once again, my legs hit the bed just a bit harder than I'd liked. "Mother buckin' son of a hit-"

Almost as soon as I started my rather lengthy line of explicitives, I bit my tongue as the door suddenly flung open, admitting not a nurse, but...

"Oh, you poor thing! Are you all right? Where does it hurt?"

My eyes shrank immediately, and my only response was a tiny 'meep'. She...she'd come back! But why? Had she come to tell me that she hated me forever? To renounce anything we ever had?

Lucky for me, she didn't seem the least bit angry, or for the moment, at least. Instead, she relaxed slightly on the spot, smiling a little. "You're very brave for holding in all that pain, Rainbow-plus, I don't think I've ever heard any pony say so many-"

"Uh, yeah, right!" My voice found itself just in time, thank Celestia. "But, you...what about..."

She seemed about as uncertain as I was, but then it dawned. "Oh, last night?" All I could do was nod sheepishly, and shrink back. Here it comes-

"I don't blame you, Rainbow. You didn't know what you were saying."

I cracked an eye open, realizing I'd been holding really tight for the incoming assault. Huh. That went well. "I know a little about morphine, and..." MORPHING WHAT? I've really got to ask about that... "...and it does kind of...well...that. I know you didn't mean it."

...and then that felt even worse. I wanted nothing more to scream that I did, that it was more of truth-talk than crazy-talk. But all I managed was a dumb nod.

Fluttershy did have a thing for patience, too, because she stood shuffling for quite a while, before I finally gathered the courage to talk. If I had to torture myself, I at least needed answers. "...so why did you actually come back?"

"Oh, um..." She actually appeared to be thinking, even backing up and looking embarrassed. "...I just wanted to visit."

Well, there was no question for that, and it was nice. Definitely. But something else bugged me with her answer... "And why are you being all...y'know...when..."

I knew I caught her then. Her eyes widened, and it was just a few seconds before she sighed. "All right, I'm here because I want to talk a little bit about...um...something."

I silently pumped a hoof-inside my head, of course. "What is it?"

"Well, I....um...I have a...a question." Just like that, any confidence she'd had when she burst in fell right away. And so she was back to shuffling and shying. "I...I know this pony, a-and...I kind of really, um...like them, but...t-they're going soon, and...I don't know how to tell them. Do...can you help me?"

Even though she finished much the same as she started, my heart lay in complete shambles as she stumbled to the end.

She already liked somepony else. Just the simple thought made me want to cry again, no matter how weak it was. Not only did I have to deal with the reality that I couldn't tell her, but...I'd never even had a chance? I was doomed from the start?

I swallowed the best I could, staring back at her as I tried my best to formulate a response. She was waiting, and I couldn't let go in front of her. It was an effort, but I stayed as level-voiced as I could. "Well, uh...I'm not good with 'sappy', but...I'm sure that they just wanna know, y'know...? It's a lot easier, because...well..." I trailed off, not even sure how I could stall my sadness through words.

I think she got something though, because she stepped a bit forward, smiling. "Well, I...I guess that could work. We...have known each for...quite a while, actually. I...I guess I should just...tell her?"

I nodded, trying not to cry. It was only a few seconds, but if she managed to get her answer, she could get her lovable self out before I completely broke.

But that only made it worse. She sighed, biting her lip as her gaze drifted around. "B-but, I...I'm afraid, because...she might hate me, or...or not be my friend...and, I...I just don't know what to do."

'Not be my friend.' That was the final kick to the chest that did it.

Me and Fluttershy, from my end, were not friends. We were more than that! We were supposed to be the best of friends, more than the best of friends! We were supposed to be together! Who cared if we were opposites, I loved her! EVERY. THING. ABOUT HER! The way she acted just drew me in, and her soft voice just made me want to stay! Her incredibly strong resolve just beneath her adorable exterior, those glimmering cyan eyes which could be either piercing or softer than the fluffiest cloud, it was just...OK, I know I'm being mushy to myself, but that's just beauty.

And now, I couldn't have it.

"Just do what you think you should, all right? Now go." My voice broke even earlier than I thought, and she didn't even so much as turn to the door. I knew she'd heard me, and as the tears started falling out against my will, hot pinpricks of pure agony, I knew she'd see those, too.

I felt ready to stop seeing, though. I shut my eyes, ready to go. Heck, you can take me now, Celestia. I honestly don't care.

Unfortunately, she didn't come.

But perhaps it was for the better.

I didn't hear anything for a few seconds, and all I could feel for the time being was the most sinking feeling I'd ever felt. Rejection. But then, there came a sudden breath, and then...

I felt just the gentlest touch on my lips, breaking through my tears, my apathy, everything.

My eyes flung open almost immediately, completely unsure of what they'd see through the now constant flow of tears, but...it was happening. Fluttershy had moved in, and she...she was kissing me.

I couldn't believe it, and I was so stunned, I forgot to remember my tears. Part of me thought it a dream, and yet here she was, placing possibly the softest pair of lips in Equestria onto my own. Part of me believed it, but thought I was unworthy.

But the part that won, was the part that loved it without question.

I finally managed to close my eyes, relaxing and melting into pure bliss. My heart grew to twice the size as she, in fact, didn't pull away. Her breath was like the softest breeze, and she went about it in the most delicate manner possible, only gently moving her tongue this way and that, never once greedy or hungrily.

I felt inclined to follow, and it was just amazing. I lost control of my own motor skills, doing nothing but pushing gently back on what felt like salvation itself to me.

By the time we broke apart, my eyes opened, and I just stared. It was all I could do as my brain clouded itself, not quite ready to think.

Fluttershy stared back at me, slowly opening her eyes as well. At first, they were filled with panic, but then they dissolved into a slight smile that her lips formed as well. Her face tinged itself just the lightest pink, and I felt myself burning as well.

I swallowed, not entirely sure still if I were dreaming. "Fluttershy, I-"

She completely ignored my protests, instead reaching over, and gently brushing a hoof across my cheek. She smiled even wider, before simply whispering 3 words that sent pure shivers down my spine. "Be strong, Rainbow."

I don't know what impulse prompted me, or her, but I do know that I was filled with...something. If this was a dream, it...it definitely gave me courage to continue onwards, regardless. And I fully intended to milk it.

We didn't fully break apart until about 10 minutes later.

And for once, just once, I thought...

Maybe everything would be OK.

Fluttershy stayed as long as she could, and I didn't mind a bit. Even if we didn't speak of that moment again for the whole visit, dismissing it with a simple clearing of the throat, having experienced it was enough. Instead, we talked about what had been bugging me, and she'd been able to put most of my fears to rest. Her answers, I have to say, were kind of wise, in a way.

"It's OK to be scared, because you're...well, meant to be. It's never easy, but...if you simply think like you're...moving to a new house, it's that easy."

But...there was still one issue I had to address.

It was nightfall, and I honestly thought she'd want to leave as soon as possible. And so I took the chance, finally asking the biggest question that I ever would.

"Fluttershy, can...can you do something for me?"

At first, her gaze was blank, and uncomprehending, but then it lit up, realizing just what I was getting at. "Oh, anything! What is it?"

I sighed, letting my eyes fall to the side. "It's...something you could say I've waited my whole life in Ponyville for. You've been to my house, right?"

She nodded wordlessly, and I continued. "I need you to go back, and find that one picture. Y'know, the one with me as a filly and my parents in the front. If you lift it up, you'll find a little compartment with something inside."

I was interrupted as Fluttershy suddenly spoke up, a slight question mark written on her face. "But...what's in it?"

"Nothing, or at least you should act like it." My voice was a lot more harsh than I thought it to be, and the strain was that much more evident. "I need you to bring it back here, without looking inside. I...it's private, alright?"

She nodded again. "All right, if you want...is that it?"

"Yeah...for now..." The room suddenly died down, as I found myself without words for the first time since we'd first started talking again.

Unexpectedly, it was her that broke the silence, trotting a bit closer in order to give me a hug, which I awkwardly returned.

It was only when she spoke that I finally caught wind of her extra, extra reluctance, and...her voice said it all. "I...I'm going to miss you, Rainbow..."

I blinked as I suddenly felt something land on my shoulder, but even without turning my head, I knew what it was. My mouth felt like it was glued shut as I tried to answer, which was no easy task. Each answer seemed to drain just a bit more energy from me. "I...me too, Flutters. A...a lot."

It took quite a few moments before she let go, and then she went for the door, only giving a brief glance back at me before stepping out, leaving me alone.

The heartache that followed was probably one of the few bouts I'd ever had. Deep down, I knew it. There was no denying it, and it was my gut. My gut was never wrong. Even as I got just a little bit weaker each hour, that would build up, and that meant only one thing.

Tomorrow would likely be my last day on Equestria.

Time was short...

...and I had to make the very, very best of it.

"Rainbow! Rainbow Dash!"

My eyes shot open, darting around as my entire world was being shaken back and forth, back and forth. I saw nothing but darkness. "What in the-"

"Rainbow, it's me!"

I blinked, before rubbing at my eyes sleepily. It sounded all too familiar, but...could it be..."Twilight?"

Suddenly, a light sprung to being before me, and it seemed to nod. I could now see part of her face, and...she looked...concentrated, if anything. My eyes were still adjusting, though. "Yes, yes, just...never mind that I'm in the hospital at 2:00 AM, I just need you to answer some questions."

Wait, what the buck? 2:00 AM? Wouldn't she get in trouble? "But Twilight, aren't you-"

"Question one," she began, cutting me off as if she didn't care about the ethics of trespassing. "Are you in any pain?"

This was ridiculous. She breaks into my hospital room at 2:00 AM to ask me questions that the doctors would? Seriously? "Ugh...not recently."

"Right, right." I heard a bit of scribbling, as she (probably) took notes off to the side and out of sight. "Has your vision stayed sharp?"

"Yes, though I don't-"

"Have you had any twitches, seizures, the like...?"

"No. Wait, are you saying tha-"

"Oh dear." Still completely oblivious to my protests, the scribbling got faster, if I could believe it. She...sounded all weird and panicky again. "Any numbness, any tingling in any of your hooves?"

"I don't get the point, but no-"

"What about loss of appetite? Sweat?"

"Twilight, these questions are all stupid, but no-"

"OH FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE!" All of a sudden she was shouting, and I heard the flipping of pages suddenly stop as a bunch of pieces of paper went everywhere. I know this, because even though it was dark, one smacked me in the face. "Rainbow, either you're lying, or..."

Lying? Well, I was half tempted to lie to a pony who broke into my room at 2 in the morning, but...about what? "Twi-light..."

"...I wasn't prepared for this. At all." The light began moving back and forth, and I assumed that she'd begun pacing again. it seemed to be a little nervous tic of hers. "You see, if you were sweating and you lost your appetite, it's a simple fix...seizures and twitches with pain can be done bit with a little effort...but you have none of it..." Call me crazy, but it sounded like she was planning a conspiracy. "This is beyond anything magical research and healing has ever found. I have to go fetch the doctors and tell them-they often don't think to test those fields. I'll be back."

"TWILIGHT!" That was the first time I was able to get her to actually listen to me, and she actually stopped. "Firstly, it's 2 in the morning. There are no doctors. Second, what the hay are you trying to do? They already-"

"Hope isn't lost, Rainbow." OK, I take that back. Don't call me crazy, because she seemed to be. "If I can manage to get a hold on the Canterlot Magical Affliction team, you'll be fine in no time. We just have to know what this is."

I blinked, before frowning. I...didn't know what to think about what I had just heard. 'Canterlot Magical Affliction Team'? That sounded like-

"Twilight, you aren't thinking of getting a bunch of crazy ponies to poke and prod at me until I do die, right?"

"What? NEVER!" I just stared back at her barely visible, seemingly indignant face, long enough until she finally sighed. "All right, maybe a little..."

"What good would that do?" Truth be told, I was a little offended that my friend would give me away to some wackos obsessed with 'science'.

"Well, we could help fix what you have, if not now but in the future, for science."

...I take that back. I could kind of believe it, because she was a wacko obsessed with 'science'. "Twilight, I...that's not the best thing to do."

"But we can help cure yo-"

"No, you can't." Of all ponies that I imagined myself having to spell this out to, I never thought it'd be Twilight. "When the doctor says he can't do anything, he can't. Sticking your nose in books for hours before bringing a bunch of ponies with poking sticks and whirlymagigs won't help either, because they can't do anything."

"But..." She sounded heartbroken now, and I heard a slight clicking as she finally dropped the last part of the note thing she had taken, which I assumed was the backing she'd held it by and kept it there. "We...we can still save you, and none of this-"

"I'm not a doctor, Twilight, but I've learned to trust them. 'Nothing' means 'nothing'. I'm sure they'll come up with something later, but...just don't, Twilight."

"But I have to!" She stomped her hoof on the floor, almost shouting now. "It's my duty as a friend to do everything possible to save my other friends!"

"And it's also your 'duty' to accept when you can't do anything."

Silence finally came, and I heard nothing but...sniffling. I...what had I done? I'd just pushed her over the edge, and now she was crying. "...R-Rainbow...please, just...stop..."

''But-"

"No buts! That's it, I'm going back to the library! I'm going to save you, like it or not!" From sad to angry and sad at the same time...I had to hoof it to her, but I didn't. "Good night, Rainbow Dash! Enjoy your night, and...uh...goodbye!"

That sounded like some sort of horrible 'insult', because it was a good thing, just said in an angry tone. But too late, I finally caught what she was taking off to do. "Twilight, wai-"

But it was too late. A bright flash, and the papers that littered the floor began fluttering around everywhere, before the light dimmed, leaving me back in the darkness at 2 AM, now convinced that Twilight had gone crazy with sorrow.

Well, I couldn't go anywhere. The only thing I could do was fall back asleep. When I woke up again, things would be hard enough...

Not to mention somebody would have to solve 'The Mystery of The Scattered Paper with Words That Make Almost No Sense' when morning came.

It was undeniable: this was not going to be easy.

The second I woke up, I was greeted by all five of my friends, nearly causing me to start. Or, should I say, 'start'-I didn't even think I had it in me to jump. But regardless of ability, the reason why was so much different. It was...dead silent.

About as dead as my word choice.

I don't think any of us were ready to talk, to...do what had to be done, because all of us just kept glancing at each other, where I took the opportunity to get a closer look at their expressions.

I first turned to Twilight. The instant we locked eyes, she darted away just as quick, as if I were going to bite her head off. Her mane was disheveled, and she just looked...well, horrible. As if she hadn't touched a comb in days. Undoubtedly, she had stayed up all night even AFTER she broke in, and...well, I suspected we'd get to that in time.

Rarity was just a bit better off, if at all. While her mane was still the exact same-of course-I saw that her horn glowed just the tiniest bit, so she was lifting something. There was the odd sniffling, but...unless she had tissues behind her back...

Applejack seemed one of the best off, actually. She'd removed her hat, and held it low to her chest, as if she were already mourning a fallen soldier. Nothing else really seemed all that odd, or...bad. No crying, messed up mane, sniffles...anything.

Pinkie wasn't bouncing, or smiling, or giggling, or even trying to cheer me up, which I may have liked. Instead, she looked somewhere between 'Let's throw a party and hope you decide to get better!', and 'Oh my Celestia I am going to cry my eyes out so hard, this hospital will become a new swimming pool'.

And as soon as I got to Fluttershy, my judgement lapsed for just a second. I saw a timid smile, one trying to be brave for everypony else. And I almost turned away.

But I'd come to know her, and...that wasn't a 'brave' smile. I saw just the teeniest warble, and it was instantly clear. Twilight wasn't the worst, no matter how much she nearly went insane and wept over it.

Fluttershy was truly suffering as the kind, innocent pony she was. One of her friends all the way back from fillyhood, was going to (possibly) die right in front of her...

And she chose to put on a smile, and act like nothing bothered her.

It was only after I managed to break hold of her 'smile' that I found the grim air of the room only expanding in the silence. It was either start now, or never.

"Listen, we're all here for a reason...and none of us like it."

Boy, if that couldn't be more true. At least I'd chosen my words correctly this time. "I...I know I don't have much left in me...but I do have to do this. Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy nodded in return, extending a wing and grabbing hold of something as discretely as possible, before slipping it over to me. I knew what it was, but for the moment, I covered its rectangular shape as carefully as possible.

"Ever since I met each of you...I've kept a journal. One to end them all...since it was my only one. In it...are my deepest thoughts on all of you guys. What I've thought, and...near the end, a collective entry. The...title fits, doesn't it?" Finally, I allowed myself a portion of my sapped strength to hold it up for them to see. It took a second, and it faced away from me, but I knew the words scrawled so hastily across the front: "Friend Journal (no, the journal is NOT my friend)".

"Anyways..." I pulled it back, sighing. "I know you'd like nothing more...than to know exactly what I used to think of you...and how it changed. And, as a final thing to go 'bang' with..." I shut my eyes tight, before finally letting go. The landslide was about to begin. "...I'm letting you know."

As certain as a hot knife cutting through butter, the air of darkness, sure enough, was nearly instantly shoved aside by a whole slew of hurried reassurances, none of which I even cared to listen to.

I waited until they managed to quiet down, so I could get a word in edge-wise. "Woah, calm down...not now. As of now, I just want to say what I can. I've used my time the best I could...and it's time to let it out."

The last three words were mistakes, because confusion appeared on more than one pony's face. Of all the-I rolled my eyes in frustration. "Just...Twilight, you're-"

Even though she was one of the ponies who was confused, she instantly interrupted me. "I've been up as long as I could, Rainbow, doing my best to give the other side of diagnosis, since they couldn't find anything to help. I know I can help. And-"

Oh Celestia, she was rambling. Not all 'lecture' mode, but...well, 'Pinkie Pie Speed' style. "Twilight, calm down. Seriously."

She frowned. "But...don't you want to-"

"Do I really want to know exactly how painfully, what exactly is causing this, and exactly how I'm going to go? The question is kind of...well, self-answering, Twi'." The answer gave me a sudden burst of strength, which I clung to. "If it means being poked and prodded at by ponies I don't know, possibly even being worse off in the process, then no, I don't. They can do whatever they want AFTER I'm gone. Just...don't kill yourself over it, Twi'."

She sighed, hanging her head. "I'm sorry...I...I just thought-"

I don't know why, but...of all things, a smile crept onto my face. I...guess I was taking it as light as I could. "You wanted me to know, right? To be fine. You don't have to be sorry for that. You're an egghead, after all."

That caught her attention, and I saw that all-too-familiar reaction, and sure enough... "I am not an egghead!"

"Let me finish. You're an egghead...and that's just how I like you."

"I am no-" I couldn't help but to almost laugh as she suddenly stopped, before yelling at me a second time. And just like that, her face cleared. "It...it is?"

I shook my head in just the slightest way. "Twilight, we wouldn't even be friends if it wasn't. And as much as it's fun to laugh at, it's what makes you the pony I became friends with. You've saved the day a bunch of times that way, and heck, you even got me into books. My point is, Twilight...being an 'egghead', in your case, means being 'you'. And that's the pony I like to see, and..." As easily flowing, true, and...weirdly warm that speech was, it finally came the time for me to clam up. "...and...that's the pony I'm going to miss..."

I could tell I wasn't the only one being affected. I saw almost a million things run through her expression, as if she didn't know what to feel. I could tell she just wanted to throw everything I said away, use mental telepathy or something to call in some sort of looney squad, and then it would begin. But then, slowly, it came to a smile. Not a particularly happy one, more of a 'sad, but touched' smile...but it was a smile nonetheless. I don't think that meant she was done, but...for now, she was.

She stepped forward, grabbing me in the most sudden embrace since pony-kind first discovered hugging. It was...tight to say the least, and...call me crazy, but after being hugged so much, I could literally feel what the other pony was feeling just by trying.

She was tense. A lot. She gave no ground, and she even shook just the tiniest amount. And anypony could tell the second she spoke, too- "I'll miss you too, Rainbow."

By the time she stepped back, it appeared that they had picked up just what I was doing. And so, I saw one of the girls step closer, waiting curiously, a quivering frown sitting on her face.

"Pinkie." She didn't talk at all. She just stared at me, her eyes glossed over as if staring into forever. "Pinkie, I don't know if you're even listening, but..."

Sure enough, no response. I took a deep breath, and began. It was...well, harder this time around. "Pinkie, the way you're acting right now, is the exact opposite that I took a liking to. The smile's gone, the constant partying, the hyperactivity...I know now isn't the best time, but...now would be a time like any other, that I need you to be you. The awesome, pranking mare that I hung out with a bunch. You've helped me out of a lot of dark spots, but you have to help yourself, too. The best you can do to make me happy, is to be happy. And I know you're going to miss me probably more than I will you, because, well, that's how you work. But you seem to care about others, a lot, and...that's great, but I'm going to have to ask you to let go at some point. You can still remember me, still throw parties for me if you want, but...you have to toss the bad side away. It's...it's for the best."

I don't think she quite saw the irony in the fact that I had just made one of the biggest speeches ever, and she had stayed silent. But I saw her mind working, and it was back, forth, and-

If I'd thought Twilight had attacked me that quickly, Pinkie did it about ten times as fast, nearly knocking the air from my lungs. "Whoa, easy there..."

I don't think I could tell her to 'lighten up' as I did, because one didn't simply do that. Pinkie stayed exactly as she was-squeezing, sniffing, and now crying.

I couldn't breathe too well, but the best I could do was to worm a hoof out from her death-hug, and just pat her on the back. I made a mental note to avoid using that side of the pillow ASAP, because it was probably going to be soaked in tears.

Finally, she was pulled away as I finally took in a great gulp of air, free from the death hug. "I will, Dashie! J...just not now!" Her wailing sounded a bit further off, but it still struck the same painful chord in my heart.

"Glad ah could save your life at least one time, Dash." The sudden new voice almost scared me, but I recognized it instantly, turning to face Applejack. I couldn't help but to chuckle back at the half-smirk, half-deep-gaze that came with the remark.

Believe it or not, she was the first one to speak. "Ah'm not quite a pony f'r many words, at least not in the really huge way, so ah'll spare ya' your li'l speech, but at th' least, ah figure we can call it even. Can't say ah've quite had such competition since you came 'round."

I didn't have to make another speech? Oh, thank Celestia. I might have cried during this one...come on, I can only take so much.

I extended a hoof to shake, in the typical gesture of 'Even-Steven', but she just shook her head. "Ah can't rightly accept that."

And for the third time in about as many minutes, I was pulled into yet another hug, though thankfully, this one was less 'kill me from lack of air'. Instead, it was...well, actually, I don't think so much has been said with just a single gesture. Unspoken years of feelings, events, attitudes, thoughts...all spoken almost instantly.

And to think that it was even possible...

Applejack soon stepped back, and I got a good look at the area around me. I...I didn't even know what to think of the scene around me. Twilight was trying to comfort Pinkie, who was still bawling her eyes out. Rarity had joined in as well, though not quite nearly as frantic. It was just...unbelievable. The fact that all of this...just...

Twilight had said they were 'trying to cope'. Is...is this what it was? Trying desperately to hold your friends' sanity and sanctity in place, as well as trying to keep your own well-being and happiness in place, just because you were friends?

Even as Applejack joined the group, I...I felt something. I didn't know what it was, but...it hurt. Badly. As if somepony or thing had decided to take my heart, rip it out of my chest, and boil it into a soup, before spitting it back into my face because it didn't taste good.

In short, it didn't feel good.

It was only after a few seconds that I realized that a pony was missing from the group huddle off near Pinkie. They were all there, except...

I managed to turn my eyes away from the spot they'd locked onto-which was good, because they were starting to mist up-and sure enough, Fluttershy stood. So close, yet so far. She had her eyes locked onto them as well, and it took a lot of time before she finally turned to me.

I don't know how, but the way she looked at me almost seemed like a mirror. "You...d-do you feel it, too?"

I'd never heard her so close to tears without going over, ever. And it sounded foreign to my own ears, an innocent beauty finally realizing something that wasn't all good. But...she seemed to be able to sympathize. "Yes, I...I do. I don't know...what it is, but...it doesn't feel good."

She nodded shakily, turning back to the group, as I caught just a single silent tear eking out from the corner of her eye. "It's...I think...they're memories. Our own feelings...k-know what's happening, and...they just t-throw up whatever possible...trying to mask the p-pain."

Pain. The word strikes me so hard, that if I weren't on an emotional high before, I was there and again by now. It did sound right, because the second I blinked, I saw just the tiniest phantom image of a little movie playing, in a way. Of...back then.

I'd thought of only myself at the start, but...us, as friends. Now...we were being quite literally torn apart. I...I'd never see them again. No more conversations and laughs, no more fun outings, no more enjoying every second of time while around them.

And that, I was sure, were their exact thoughts to me. It...it felt like...

...friendship.

"Fluttershy." Out of nowhere, I spoke, my voice as unsteady as it had ever been, but...it sounded more stern, determined, commanding. Was it another speech, or...just me trying to overcompensate my feelings? "You've been through a lot, and I've known you almost from the start. I know you're going to be hurt the most, because I know you the most. You care about me, as much as any other pony, and then some. You've told me this, and I'm telling you it now: Be strong. Not because it's 'right', not because others will say anything, not because of yourself. You already know why-because I love you to death, literally."

...even from the side, I'd never seen this part of me. Every word I spoke was truth, and carried so much punch, that...I might as well have fed off sadness and made myself stronger.

And even as I punched the last part, silence came to the room. Complete silence. Pinkie stopped crying, everypony stopped talking more or less at once. I didn't even have to look to know that they were staring at me. Even Fluttershy held in the 'eep' I knew she was going to let out, her own wings flaring out in shock.

And yet, no matter how much my face burned, I didn't stop. I didn't lower my ears and cower, playing 'innocent victim who misspoke'. It was like I'd been given a dose of liquid courage.

"And I know that the feeling is mutual, so I can say that, and mean it. I don't care how much you worry your pretty self, you have to make like Pinkie, and let go. You're a wonderful mare, and no pony in their right mind would turn you down.

"You're the most kind, beautiful, and so lovingly shy mare I've ever met, and I'm not afraid to say it, sappy or not, because you're the pony I've always wanted to notice me in 'that' way. You have, and I know it will hurt to let go, but by Celestia's wings, you have to. I love you too much to let you suffer, because you feel I'm the only one out there. I've been with you forever, and I loved every bit of it.

"The last thing you can do, the biggest, and the one that would make me the happiest, is to carry on. There's no use mourning a fallen love, and all it does is destroy yourself, to the point that you can't even trust anyone else again. And I won't let that happen."

By this point, my forehooves were tense, even pounding against each other to emphasize my points. By now, I'd already shocked everypony into silence, and yet...I spoke up.

"You're Fluttershy, the element of Kindness. You fell directly to me, Loyalty, and it's only fair that you show off both of those the best that you can. If you want to stay loyal to me- all of you guys- you aren't going to spend weeks being upset. It's too much, and not what I would want. Pinkie, the best not should do, is go back to normal. Each party carries a bit of me with you. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack-follow Pinkie. You're not going to, 'cope' as Twilight says, by moping around and dragging everypony down with you. You have to keep your head high for me, and be strong.

"Fluttershy, I love you with all that a foolish young mare's heart can give, but you have to follow the others. As much as you think it would be right to linger on me, don’t. The truest thing, that you can do, is live on, and keep me next to your heart throughout the day. That’s it. No sadness, no tears, no loneliness for all eternity.

"You might be thinking, 'oh Rainbow Dash, where did this big old speech that's the best thing ever come from?'. It's not a speech, it's just saying what should have been clear from the start. The best way you, ALL of you can do this, is to not do...this."

Even as I stopped, taking the time to actually breathe, I...even I felt shocked. Out of absolutely nowhere, I make the most thoughtful insight I'd ever had aloud, publicly confirmed a relationship that I'd intended to take to the grave, more or less having my heart melt and drip onto my brain, short-circuiting it.

I...guess change in behavior is pretty easy, especially when you have something to say.

The silence grew bigger and bigger with each second, punctuated only by the shifting of gazes or the shuffling of hooves. I almost considered hiding under the covers, but by some sort of miracle, someone decided to speak.

"Rainbow...I don't even know what to say..." It was Twilight, who said it in such a way that reminded me of a foal's mix of pure wonder and joy at a new discovery. "That was...so different, it...it...it was beautiful."

"...I was just-"

"Pardon me, but did I miss somethin'? With the whole 'l-'"

"Applejack, darling, I have to respectfully ask you to stay away from there. The poor mare deserves a little something of her own."

"Girls-" OK, maybe letting go and having my own emotions take over was a bad idea, because now I couldn't even get a word in.

"I, um...that's very nice...t-thank you..."

"Hey, what'd I miss? I mean, all of a sudden, SLAP, and we have this whole big thing-"

"Enough!" Even the small margin of volume increase that I put out was enough to pierce all of the chatter. As soon as their looks became expectant again, I sighed before beginning for a second time. "OK, maybe I did that wrong, and I went a bit overboard. I said some things that I'm surprised you four didn't scrunch your noses up at it, and that I'm surprised youdidn't take flight out the window. But it's all true, and it all comes down to this: I know you're all sad, but being like that just makes it harder for me."

A nod of agreement, thankfully, was passed around in general. "Fluttershy, I'm sorry for getting into rant mode like that, and saying what I did in front of everypony without making sure it was OK. It was generally stupid, but...my points pretty much do remain. You'll have to try your hardest, and if anything, do it for yourself."

She nodded in return, smiling a bit. "Oh, it's all right...it was a bit surprising, but...I still thought it was sweet of you..." Against all expectations, using (most likely) the deepest wells of her courage-which I knew she had-she leaned forward to give me a quick kiss on the forehead, the tip of her mane tickling my forehead as she pulled away.

I cleared my throat obnoxiously, as if it could divert attention from my immediate reaction of a blush. "Anyways...I did this a little wrong. It's not supposed to be all dramatic, and so on...all I wanted to do was talk, and say goodbye. So I think we can start over. If you have any questions or something to say, that's great, because this shouldn't be all about me."

Almost simultaneously, the general huddle near Pinkie raised a hoof in perfect synch, leaving only Fluttershy out, and I blinked briefly, before raising an eyebrow as I finally put one and five together to get six.

"...do you all have the same question?"

They turned to each other, whispering and mumbling momentarily, before turning back. Twilight was the one to answer with a sheepish smile, flattening her ears. "Uhm...yes."

I sighed. "Right. Well, go ahead and ask it anyways."

"Well...I'm a little with Applejack on this one." she said, tilting her head slightly. "I mean, it's great that you know who you are, who you like, and that you're getting an interest in things like these, but...when, or as I'm sure we're all thinking, how did it happen?"

Well, I suppose if you base an entire dramatic speech around it, somepony's gonna' notice. "When, I can answer that quickly. To be exact as I can, it feels like yesterday, and that's literally when it...came out-but I 'realized' it a WHILE ago."

"And...how?"

I shifted my gaze, no matter how much I tried not to. "Uh...can we change the subj-"

"You...could say it became...mutual..." Thank Celestia, Fluttershy herself interrupted, though I swear she winked as she said it. "It...you could call it...a 'spark', that just lit up...and then the magic just went from there...like a wonderful little warmth...gently encasing you...and gently showing you what had been there all along. And with that...your dreams seem to become real...and you can't help but to jump forward, and-"

"O-kay, moving on to less daydreaming!" That sounded a lot ruder out loud, wow. But...come on, she was killing me here! "Anything else?"

Thankfully, a hoof went up, and this time it was...Pinkie. So she could finally talk again? I waved a hoof, signaling for her to go on.

"So, I'm like, confused a little. You go all 'whee, words!', but then you just wanna' talk. Why not do it in the first place?"

"Because it's a little hard to think with everything on your mind. Besides, I made it worse for you by doing that." That seemed to be enough, because she stepped back.

No other hooves went up, though. "That's it?" A general group nod. "Alright, well...I don't need to keep you from your lives any longer. If you want to talk, just stop by-just make sure to do it soon. You never know when the chance will be gone. Oh, and Twilight-I almost forgot."

I picked up the journal that had been all but forgotten in the drama, holding it out. "I'm giving this to you, and it's up to you what you wanna do. Burn it, take turns reading it, draw funny doodles in the margins, use it as a coaster. It's yours now."

It was soon gone, plucked by a vaguely pinkish glow and floated over to her. "You can bet it will be treated well, Rainbow. If I can't do anything else for you, and if you don't will it...I can at least do this."

"Well then..." I said, making a vague 'shoo' motion. "You can go now. Go cheer yourselves up with cupcakes or something. It'll make me feel better, trust me."

"CUPCAKES?!" Who other but Pinkie Pie would jump up, and start bouncing around at the simple mention? "Yes! I can make super-duper-happy cupcakes!" With that, she zipped out the door, the other half of her statement trailing behind her. "Come on, girls! First come first serve!"

That certainly brought attention. One by one, each pony giving me a last look, some mouthing goodbye or nodding, they turned for the door, stepping out, before gently closing the door behind them.

And with that, I let out the biggest sigh I ever had. "That was exhausting..." I muttered.

"Oh, I don't blame you..." My head snapped up to find Fluttershy still there, but honestly, I didn't mind much. "It's...not easy to do what you did..."

"Yeah, I know..." I sighed again, closing my eyes in a half-wince. "But my thoughts didn't-and still won't-leave me alone. Hay, I'm thinking of going to bed...it's afternoon, that's close enough. I woke up really tired and drained, anyways. If I'm lucky...that's when it'll happen."

"Oh, well go ahead!" Fluttershy smiled a bit more warmly. "I certainly don't want to keep you up, and you need your rest."

Grateful, I closed my eyes, ready to leave my thoughts behind. It was, however, only a few seconds before I was interrupted. "Um, Rainbow..."

I creaked an eye open curiously. "I, uhm..." she was shying around, trying her best to avoid eye contact. "Would you mind at all, if...I...um, sing you a lullaby? I mean, only if it's OK, but...I like to practice, and...it could help you..."

A lullaby? Here I was, the most fast-paced pony in Equestria, 23 years old, a pretty much fully grown mare, and I was being offered a lullaby.

Eh. Why not? "Sure, go ahead."

...OK, I'll admit it, I like her singing voice even better than her regular one. I wouldn't be surprised if it actually did help.

"OK, um..." As I closed my eyes, I heard her clear her throat. "I...I've started calling this one, 'Sunshine', so..."

I just smiled slightly, before relaxing back as much as I could into my surprisingly soft pillow, just about ready to float into dreamland on her voice. It took only a second before she began. Her voice sounded just as graceful and warming as I'd expected, if not more.

"You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away."

As much as I found it hard to believe, I found myself yawning, and pretty largely as well. Maybe it...actually was working?

By the time she jumped into the second verse, she was a lot more confident, changing her voice to something higher, and even more sleep-inducing. I felt like I'd REALLY heard it before, but I didn't quite care.

"The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried."

By this point, I could feel myself slipping away. All of my muscles slowly began to relax, and I began to sink even deeper into the bed. I became so relaxed, that even when I felt my mane brushed slightly away from my eyes, I didn't protest a bit. In fact, it continued to be stroked, and I allowed it as she continued singing.

"I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day..."

I have to say, I did feel quite like a little filly, but...it wasn't all that bad. Being watched over by the most heavenly voice ever, gently being lulled to sleep by the tiniest touches...it...felt great, especially from Fluttershy. She had a real knack for it, and...just the...'motherly' touch.

"You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away..."

Even as the final part came in, I was much too out of it to even notice. I was right on the edge, and...it was the most relaxing thing I'd ever felt.

And then it got better.

I felt the sheets being pulled up almost to my chin, before being tucked gently at the side, vaguely like an incredibly soft cocoon.

I only snuggled closer into them by instinct, just the smallest contented smile allowing itself to appear. I felt a gentle pressure to my forehead, in what I assumed was another soft, feathery, tender kiss, before my mane was stroked one last time. "Good night, Rainbow. Sleep tight...sunshine."

And even as the hoovesteps moved towards the door, before I was left completely alone by a 'click', I finally tumbled into the most blissful sleep I'd ever had.

I finally felt peaceful, safe, guarded...at peace. I didn't feel scared, or stressed anymore. The weight of the world was finally off my shoulders. The weight of secrets, of standards, pressure...

It was gone. And...that's what made it seem worth it in those last few seconds. Everything came to be all right. Even with a broken wing, and two broken legs, my heart was still intact and larger than ever when it came down to brass tacks. I had been loved and accepted my whole life, even now, and...I knew that that was all I'd ever wanted.

I felt truly happy for the first time ever, as the weight finally receded, and I floated up into my own dream haven.

I felt free, and I was. I'd come to know the grace and beauty that was Fluttershy, and...it was just a blessing to have known her, much less love me back. The one full kiss we ever had felt enough to last a lifetime, and the events before had been a lifetime. A wonderful one.

Only a single tear came out as I drifted, but one of happiness. And it was only as I lay, having finally realized...

I'd lived the best I could.

I'd had many friends who enjoyed being with me, and I was happy enough to stay with them.

I'd saved Equestria a few times, and become known as well.

I'd saved the actual lives of ponies in danger, I'd done good, and had fun doing it.

I had lived life, and...I was ready to go. My time was near, and I didn't want to be late. But one thing was for sure...

...the next life could never compare to the one I'd just had.

Epilogue

I don't know what to say.

I really don't, Rainbow. I...I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I...I'm glad that you went peacefully, in your sleep, but...I feel bad, because...I'm the one who put you to sleep.

You say I should be happy, and I'd love to, if only for you...but I don't know how to. My life seems so...empty. You were that speck of color that brought everything to life.

And you always have been.

I remember back when we were just friends, and...if anything, I...just want to at least go back to there. Even if it means forgetting everything that happened, every single wonderful second on just that one night...I just want to see you again.

I've always wanted to.

I guess that's why I liked you so much...each visit left me wanting more, no matter how I felt before. I could be sad, and be cheered up by the time you left. We could talk, just a simple talk, and I'd feel that much better afterwards. I even sung for joy when I knew I would see you again.

And I did even more.

I always dreamed of what we could have, Rainbow. We could spend a night under the stars, pointing this way and that at the stars, and then, by accident...we'd bump hooves while pointing to the same spot. We'd both turn...and just look into the other's eyes...there would be nothing but each other...and then, we would close our eyes...lean forward, and...

Oh dear! I...I think I day-dreamed a bit! I'm sorry!

...a-anyways, I...I'm here for a reason. I just wanted you to know...we all miss you. A lot...and, I...I wanted to say...

"...goodbye."

The last word came out in a strangled whisper, as my head finally dropped. I'd done well holding off my tears, but...even now, I couldn't help but to let one past. I probably looked horrible in her eyes.

I felt a hoof come over my shoulder, and for a brief second, I thought it was her, but...it was wishful thinking.

"I know it ain't easy, sugarcube. But you're doin' just fine. This is th' first step."

I looked up, away from the ground, just for a second. Applejack was smiling at me, and...it wasn't the biggest or happiest one...but it helped.

My words wouldn't come out, though. Instead, I just looked back down, though not quite to the floor. Instead, I found myself looking once again at the gray lump that made me want to start crying again, inscribed as simply as possible.

'Rainbow Dash

Element of Loyalty

March 3rd, 979- April 9th, 1002 C.R.

"I'd never leave my friends hangin'!"'

I think Applejack noticed that I was only getting worse, and I felt a gentle tug. "C'mon. You said what y'wanted to. You don't have to beat yourself up any more."

As much as I wanted to shove her off and cry the hardest I ever had, somewhere deep down...I knew she was right.

I wouldn't get anywhere by doing this, just like Rainbow said herself. The best way I could show her how much I cared about and loved her, was to...as much as I hated it, move on.

I allowed myself to be led away by Applejack, feeling the sadness pang me once again. I...I couldn't do it.

Along with the roses I left on her her grave, I left one other thing, one thing that I might never get back.

My heart.