“It’s just another day, living with the pones, just another day around the way~” Anon sang to himself, listening to his phone, his only connection to the world he used to live. Anon wasn’t at his usual hut on the edge of town. Rather he was currently in the Crystal Castle, home of the so-called Princess of Friendship. Anon, normally, wouldn’t be caught dead affiliating with the horses unless he absolutely had to or couldn’t avoid it. This was one of those rare times where it was both.
“I’m feeling good today, eh, I’m feeling good today, yea~” Anon continued singing, while making himself breakfast. It was fairly early in the morning, the sun having risen only recently when Spike visited him with an urgent summon. Apparently, being an alien from another dimension warrants you a visit with approximately 4 of the country’s rulers. Who knew? Since this was on short notice and Anon wasn’t keen on talking to anyone, let alone royalty, he initially refused. That was, until he heard Spike mentioned that he could make Anon pancakes. This sure as hell sounded good to Anon, considering he was still too uncomfortable going to the market and stuck to eating edibles from the Everfree. Old habits and whatnot. So, here was Anon, making himself pancakes, denying Spike’s initial offer to do it himself. The hell does a dragon know about making good pancakes. He was probably one of those patricians that insisted on proper measurements and shit.
“Okay, okay. I woke up out my bed, then I yawned stretched my legs. Brushed my teeth, then I thanked God for the day and bowed my head.~” Anon sang quietly, not to alert anyone else in the castle. They’re likely not asleep but when he arrived, no one greeted him. He took this moment of silence of arriving to get to cooking his pancakes undisturbed. He figured the ponies were doing their own shit. Or didn’t care to greet him. Both were fine.
“Grabbed my shoes, ironed my shirt, got my jeans, hit the door. Broke down the block, rode past the spot where they getting dough~” Little did Anon know, due to the earbuds and him being in la la land, Starlight Glimmer was sitting at the table behind him. She was observing the odd creature, pouring herself a cup of coffee and eating a muffin. Starlight was technically the first pony Anon had ever directly spoke to, unless you count Spike as a pony due to his upbringing. Regardless, despite this, she knew very little about him. Though that was something that everypony that has met the creature can attest to. Anon was now pouring the syrup, finishing his rather messy styled pancakes. He turned to move to the table.
“I saw yellow tape, yellow tape, yellow tape! Bad decisions, bad decisions young fellows-Shit!” Anon nearly dropped his plate as he saw the lilac pony watching him passively. She, too, was startled by his acknowledgment. After a brief moment, Anon collected himself and stuck to standing at the counter with his meal.
“Sorry, sorry!” Starlight frantically apologized, not meaning to upset Anon. Anon just waved the apology away.
“Chill, chill. It’s whatever.” Anon turned back around and just started eating, hoping that was the end of it. Starlight, of course, would’ve happily obliged to leaving Anon alone. However, the scholar inside her was much too interested in learning about the human to simply ignore the opportunity.
“Soooo…” Starlight started, lightly tapping her hooves in the table, interrupting a brief silence. Anon sighed, realizing that the ball was already rolling. “You’re a human, huh?”
“Last time I checked.” Anon rolled his eyes, anticipating more redundant questions.
“I was a human once too. You know, when I went through the Crystal Mirror. That mirror you..anyway, you don’t look like any of the humans there.” Starlight was never the best at conversations. Good thing she was in good company.
“I guess I’m a different kind.” The statement was spoken with a bit of finality, as if Anon was suggesting that was the end of that.
“But why?” Starlight inquired. Anon finally turned around.
“Look, I don’t fuckin’ know. I’m here now and, for the foreseeable future, I’ll be here for a while.” Frustration seeped in his voice.
“Sorry!” Starlight panicked again, causing Anon to sigh again.
“Don’t. I’m just...adjusting. This is how I adjust.” Anon took a bite of his pancake. Before it tasted decent. Now? Nothing special.
“I can imagine what it’s like to be displaced.” Starlight levitated the mug to her muzzle and sipped. Anon figured that while they were talking, this would be a good enough time as any to ask a couple boring questions.
“So, you...unicorns can just do that?” Anon motioned to the mug.
“You mean levitate? Well, yeah. It’s one of the first spells you learn.”
“You don’t naturally levitate things then?” Starlight made a peculiar face.
“Well, some fillies and colts just know how to do it, amongst other things. Others may need to be taught but it’s really easy.” Silence returned to the room for a moment, though less awkward than before. Until Starlight asked her own question. “What’s a ‘yellow tape’?”
“Oh, uh, you have a police force, right? It’s the tape that clears off a crime scene from the general public.” Starlight puts a hoof to her chin.
“I think I’ve heard of police in Manehattan somewhere.” Anon nearly choked on his food.
“Wait, what?!” Anon said, after a coughing fit. Starlight tilted her head.
“Manehattan?” Anon sucked his teeth.
“Yeah, Manehattan. As in Manehattan, New York?”
“I don’t know anything about a New York.” Starlight shrugged.
“You’re Manehattan is a City, right?”
“Yes.”
“But you don’t have a state called New York?” Starlight shook her head, again shrugging. This raised so many questions. How many human customs and locations exist here if they have a city called Manehattan? “What other cities are in Equestria?”
“Well, there’s Fillydelphia, Buckingham, Manechester, Trottingham, Las Pegasus, San Franciscolt, Baltimare, and Vanhoover. Just to name a few.” Anon blinked twice.
“I’m noticing a pattern here.” Anon takes a skeptical bite of the last of his pancake. “Those names aren’t eerily similar to the names of cities where I’m from?”
“Really? Ha! What a coincidence!” Starlight beams at this new knowledge. “Could this mean that our worlds are somehow connected?”
“Don’t know and I frankly don’t care to find out.” Anon starts washing the dish.
“I also noticed that while you were singing, you did so in a really weird way.” Starlight continued as Anon cleaned. “It was like you were just talking to yourself, but to a rhythm. I’m curious as to what that’s all about.”
“That’s a thing called rapping. And I’m not about to explain it to you.”
“Why not?” Starlight frowned. Anon hesitated, thinking about why not himself.
“I dunno, I just don’t feel like it.” Anon answered dismissively. He then grumbled,focusing more intensely on the dish that had long been scrubbed clean. “You weren’t supposed to hear it anyway.” Starlight gave her own sigh and returned to eating her muffin. The quiet was interrupted by the telltale sound of a certain small dragging running through the empty castle. He peeks his head through the door of the kitchen, spotting Anon, cleaning the same dish.
“Anon! The Princesses arrived!” He called out to him, making up for Anon’s lack of excitement with his own. “They’re waiting for you in the Dining Room.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Anon conceded and set the dish down. He walked to the door, passing by Starlight.
“It was nice speaking to you, Anon.” Starlight said, genuine gratitude in her voice. Anon looked back at her to see her smiling, maybe a little toothy.
“Mhm.” He nodded his head and walked into the dining room.
Anon now sits with royalty on the other side of a rather long table. The table is stacked with far too much food for a simple meeting between four ponies, two guards, and a lone human. Regardless, Anon kinda regretted eating then, had he known there’d be food just around the corner. Such a waste. Anon casually eyed the company before him. Going from left to right, there was the pink pony, Princess Cadance, the purple one, Princess Sparkle, the blue one, Princess Luna, and the white one, Princess Celestia. The introductions were brief and immediately followed by an awkward silence. Well, not total silence as the purple horse was scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment.
“I think it would be best to start with your arrival.” Princess Celestia spoke. She certainly carried herself like royalty, Anon gave her that. “It was brought to my attention that you arrived in the Everfree Forest. How long ago did you first arrive?”
“Uh, well, six months. Give or take.” Anon squirmed in his chair. He had the odd feeling as though he was being put on trial.
“Six months?” Twilight asked. “What measurement is a ‘month’?” Anon mentally facepalmed. Different species, different culture, different measurement of time.
“Well, a month is like thirty days. So, six sets of thirty...one hundred eighty days.” Anon felt more uncomfortable than he ever had since he had arrived. It was one thing to talk with alien equines, but meeting with all of their rulers? Anon recognized that this was an evaluation of his species and of himself personally, whether the ponies themselves realized it or not. They all wore these smiles, warm and comforting and disarming. Anon didn’t trust them.
“How did thou survive in the Everfree Forest for so long?” Princess Luna asked, quite incredulously. Out of all the ponies, she was definitely the one most likely to leap across the table to gore Anon with her unihorn if he presented any sort of danger. Even then, she was only merely skeptical, so the likelihood was nil to slim.
“The Everfree Forest is home to many dangerous creatures and few would dare to live there.” Princess Cadance chimed in. “For someone who had just arrived and has no clue as to where they are and how the land works, how did you survive?”
“Well, that’s the funny thing.” Anon started. “I had recently, before I was Spirited Away, did some research on basic survival tips. Though I'd never done it before, the Everfree was surprisingly abundant with edible plants and drinkable water. I specifically remembered these little blue plants. Had a weird taste to them.”
“Do you mean poison joke?” Twilight asked. This caused Anon’s eyes to widen as he reached for his throat instinctively.
“Wait, they were poisoned?!” Anon thought back to just how many he ate and whatever else he did that could’ve killed him.
“Well, not poisoned as in something that would cause an illness.” Twilight clarified, allowing Anon to breathe a sigh of relief. “Poison jokes are more commonly known for playing practical jokes on ponies.”
“Practical jokes?” Anon asked, all worry now replaced with annoyance. “How does a non sapient plant play a practical joke? Unless…” Anon shook his head, refusing to give that anymore thought. Twilight scribbles a note of Anon potentially being magically resistant.
“But what of the creatures that reside in the Forest?” Luna pushed.
“Alright, now they were the real problem.” Anon let agitation into his voice, briefly reliving the horrible experiences of dealing with the threats of the Forest. “I’ve seen some weird shi-, stuff, in that Forest. Manticores, these cocaktrice looking things, the worst version of flies I’ve ever seen, and I swear to God I saw a chimera. The worst were those wolves made of tree bark. Literally hounding my ass. Er, butt. Anyway, those wolves are about 80% the reason living in the Everfree was so hellish. You know, besides the starvation, dehydration, lack of information or entertainment, all that other shit-stuff, I meant stuff.”
“Interesting?” Cadance looks off, a hoof to her chin. “So, these creatures exist in your world then?”
“Oh hell naw! I mean, no, they don’t.” Anon corrected his language. Royalty, after all. “Those are fictional creatures where I’m from. As in, not real, only existing in legends. Hell, Pegasi and Unicorns are fictional where I’m from. Not ponies tho. Well, ponies that don’t exactly like you.”
“Very interesting.” Twilight said absentmindedly, deeply invested in her ever-elongating parchment. The pen hasn’t stopped moving since the conversation started.
“It’s why I don’t really think this place is real.” Anon added.
“I assure you, we are very much real, Anonymous.” Luna replied.
“That’s what a figment of my imagination would say.” Anon crossed his arms. Luna glared.
“Speaking of,” Celestia interjected, breaking the tension. “Is your name truly Anonymous?”
“Why does that matter?”
“Well, I can’t help but feel as though that title is meant to hide your real identity.” Celestia guesses. Anon didn’t like that she guessed correctly. “It is okay to open up and properly introduce yourself. We mean no harm to you.”
“I appreciate it, but I’m not as naive. My name will remain Anonymous.” Anon couldn’t help but smile at the double entendre he cleverly made. Celestia sighed in defeat.
“As you wish, Anonymous. I understand if you’re not comfortable at this time.” Stupid horses and their patience. “You were unknowingly brought here without your consent and it may take time for you to adjust.”
“Damn straight.” Anon mumbled.
“If I may, Princess.” Twilight finally pried her attention from her notes to address Celestia. She nods to her with a smile. “Anonymous, could you care to tell us more about where you came from?” Here it was, the dreaded question that was bound to come up sooner or later.
“Oh, home.” Anon looked up to the ceiling, sparkling as the daylight hit it. He mulled over his words, attempting to paint an accurate picture in his head. “Well, to start, it's a world that’s not as...colorful as it is here. Things don’t have a visible sparkle to them. The skies aren’t nearly as blue as often as they are here. There also aren’t as many trees and wildlife, at least where I lived.” The royals looked amongst themselves with a bit of melancholy. Anon was painting the brightest picture of home.
“Then, what was there?” Cadance asked, worried at what the answer might be.
“Well, I recently heard you guys had your own Manehattan, so think that but more desaturated.” Throughout this conversation, Anon hadn’t been making much eye contact. His eyes darted about everywhere across the room but the four royals before him. He even casted a few glances at the guards standing at the two ends of the tables. They looked exactly alike and Anon was making a game of finding how many differences the two had. He had yet to find one. Meanwhile, his hands were constantly playing with the food items on the table to keep occupied. “Though, it wasn’t always like that I guess. The lack of color in the world is probably the cause of air pollution or light density or something scientific like that.
“What about your country?” Twilight continued, getting increasingly excited. “Do you have princesses of your own? Do they rule over the sun and moon? Do you have a sun and moon? Oh, do you-“ Celestia held up a hoof and gave her a look that caused the pony to blush and shrink behind her paper. “Answer at your own pace.” She responded meekly.
“Well, first of all, we wouldn’t have princesses. A princess in power would be called a Queen.” This statement caused all the ponies at the table, including the guards, to jump.
“You had queens rule over your kingdoms?!” Luna asked, not believing what she was hearing.
“Well, more often kings.” This elicited a gasp from everyone, guards included. “I take it ‘kings’ and ‘queens’ have a negative connotation here.”
“The majority of those held those titles have been known to be evil, yes.” Celestia admitted on the ponies’ behalf.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, most, if not all, of the rulers where I’m from are evil to some extent, so I’m used to it.”
“I don’t see how that should make us feel better.” Luna quipped.
“Most of the governments in my world have a head executive and a large body of people who are supposed to represent the populations of each country. However, that’s not how it works in actuality. In actuality, they represent themselves, the people they personally relate to, and those who will support them. Sounds the same, but I assure it’s not. Some people are left with no one that truly represents them, only officials that say they do in order to get their support and string those people along with empty promises and gestures.” Anon ruminated on what he said. “Though that is just my view on it. Not every human would say the same.”
“Do the lives of humans really vary that much from each other?” Princess Cadance asks. “With the way you speak of home, it sounds like it wasn’t a great place for anyone to live in.”
“That’s just it, it is a great place to live in.” Anon corrects the pink horse. “However, there are certain stipulations as to who it’s great for. You see, you have to be moderately wealthy, well connected with other wealthy people, raise your family in a wealthy environment, and be highly influential in order to keep that wealth.”
“There’s a lot of the term wealth in those stipulations.” Luna points out.
“As they say where I’m from, ‘money makes the world go round’.” Anon finds himself resting his head in his hands, swirling a spoon around and around in a cup of tea. He finds himself conflicted, as talking about home makes him bitter towards it. Didn’t he not months ago wish to go back? Eh, maybe it’s just the pessimist in him.
“Surely, Anonymous, home couldn’t be all about material gain.” Celestia prodded, as if sensing Anon’s inner turmoil. “What about home makes you eager to return to it?”
“My family, for the most part.” This caused all the ponies to smile as they, for the first time, empathize with the alien amongst them. “I miss them. And they’re likely worry about where I am.”
“Don’t worry, Anon.” Twilight chimed in, placing the parchment down to speak. “I’m sure your family is looking for a solution as we speak.”
“How, exactly?” Anon asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Well, I just assumed that there would be some sort of rescue effort.”
“Oh, purple. So naive. I should’ve led with this, but we don’t have magic nor technology significant enough to look across dimensions. Furthermore, I don’t think my family have the resources to even look for me locally.”
“What about your government? They can’t just let a citizen of theirs go missing!” Cadence protests. “Why, if any of my ponies were to go missing, I’d send the best I had to find them!”
“Pink, I don’t know what your kingdom be lookin’ like, but my country alone has over 300 million people within it. I’m probably one of 600,000 who have gone missing in a year alone. They ain’t gonna send their best and brightest for my black ass.” Anon felt anxiety and anger bubbling just under the surface of his skin. He scratched at it to no avail. “Now that I think about it, since I’m only missing and not dead, all that student loan debt is gonna fall to my momma…”
“Student loan debt?” Twilight inquired.
“To make a long story short, most people can’t pay for a higher education. So, the government and other organizations, give them money that is eventually gonna have to be paid back. If I’m not there at school, all the money I owe is gonna have to be paid by my family.”
“I fail to understand…” Luna speaks up, visibly confused at how Anon’s situation could be. “Thy family is in times of grieving, yet they are to suffer a debt on your behalf? That is...cruel!”
“Well, Princess, that’s how my world works.” Anon continued scratching at himself. “And if that’s cruel to you, you ain’t seen nothing yet.” Anon stands up from his chair and begins pacing, readying a rant of his own. “You see, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. The way you ponies carry yourselves, the way you care for others and try to please everyone. You ponies, for the most part believe in community, right.”
“It’s more than that, Anonymous.” Celestia answers. “We value harmony and peace. When there is someone in trouble, it is our duty to help.”
“Yeah, I heard. Spike talked about the Elements of Harmony and all the crazy things you’ve saved the world from. Believe it or not, I admire that about you guys. But, humans, or at least the humans I come from, don’t value harmony and peace. We are a conflict driven species. Do you have a board I can write on?” Twilight teleported in an instant, catching everyone off guard. Not a second later, Twilight appears directly next to Anon with a chalkboard and chalk in her muzzle. Her eyes shined with the passion of a researcher making a grand discovery. Anon carefully took the chalk from her muzzle, attempting not to touch the saliva end. The ecstatic princess then teleported back to her seat, much more invested as the pen and parchment was back in her telekinetic grasp. The other princesses watched in a mixture of awe and concern. Anon begins drawing as he talks.
“Aight, so long ago we were nothing more than apes. We were animals, just like everything else around us. Then, something happened, whether we smoked some mushroom that made us trip or some aliens dropped a monolith on our planet, something gave us sapience. The ability to reason and acknowledge our existence.” Anon scribbled along the board furiously as he wrote, secretly glad he had an audience to relay this upon. “The apes learned to hunt with tools, build communities, start agriculture, and eventually establish the idea of property. Our history is long and complicated, but there are patterns that are made clear: war and trade. If countries weren’t trying to kill and conquer each other for their land and resources, then they were trading those resources around in an attempt to obtain as much property as possible. When we are denied property from another country, we enter war and attempt to take it for ourselves.”
“This sounds a lot like the dragons.” Twilight interrupts. “They are known for hoarding large sums of gold and jewelry. Although, I’m unsure if dragons ever engaged in warfare.”
“Riddle me this, Twilight. What does war look like to you?” Anon asked. Twilight thought long and hard, but failed to conjure up anything.
“I...I don’t know.” She finally admits. “I guess just big fights.”
“We’ve never had a true war in thousands of years.” Cadence Interjects.
“Then have you ever seen a pony die?” Anon asks bluntly. This causes the blood of everypony in the room to run cold.
“D-die?” Twilight repeats, disturbed by the word alone.
“Yes, blood spilled, heads decapitated, bodies split-“ Anon was interrupted by Celestia.
“We have not witnessed such things regularly, no. I and Luna have long ago, but that is no longer the case.” She looks at her sister.
“‘Tis true. We are no strangers to death, but what you describe is...beyond us.”
“Well, what’s beyond you is the norm for us. I myself have never seen it, but depictions of violence are so closely ingrained in my culture that I fear that if I were to see it, I wouldn’t react.” Anon returns to the chalkboard. “So, we established that humans will resort to violence to get what they want. Violence is obviously a form of conflict. Trade, too, is a form of conflict between two individuals attempting to extract value from one another without sacrificing much of their own.” Anon raised his arm. “In relatively recent history, people with pigments like mine were sold as property. It first started for pure economic reasons, but over time, to justify it, our kind were stripped of our humanity. We were lucky to retain any of it.” Anon dropped his arm limply and continued doodling.
“Through war and trade is how we advanced, not through harmony and peace. Humans have to be at odds against something in order to progress.” Anon notices that Princess Cadance is raising her hoof, as if this was some sort of school setting. Anon couldn’t blame her and pointed to her.
“I can see that you believe your species are very...confrontational, but that shouldn’t mean that you humans believe in harmony.”
“Harmony is often a thing we want, Princess. We just don’t know any other way to get it. We believe that harmony is best obtained through conformity, as it allows a hierarchy of power and wealth. When the wealthiest and elitist of us are satisfied, then they don’t lash out and the disadvantaged aren’t hurt anymore than they need to be.” Anon stared at his chalkboard, a cacophony of diagrams, key words, and imagery that highlights all that he said. At the center of the diagram, was a crude drawing of the planet, Earth. Anon looked at it, spinning the chalk in his hand. “But no matter how much we try to establish a status quo, a state of living that everyone can live in, no matter how unfair or uncomfortable, we’re always fighting something. That something is usually us.” Anon failed to register that the royals had gotten out of their seats and stood side by side with him, looking at the utter chaos he had made.
“Anonymous, are you okay?” Celestia asked in a low whisper. Anon just stood there, unable to respond. That was, until he did.
“You know what? I’m overthinking this.” Anon starts to erase the board, much to Twilight’s dismay. “At the end of the day, Humans are way too complicated for someone like me to do them justice. Just know that we do things for a lot of reasons. Most of them are arbitrary.”
“You have not answered my question, Anonymous.” Celestia insisted. Anon continued erasing the board and once he was finished, set the eraser down.
“I’m fine, thank you very much.” Anon answered dismissively. “If nothing else, you now know why I don’t fraternize with you horses. That’s just how I was raised. You can’t change that.” Anon walked away from the board and back to the table. He started picking up whatever food he could carry and placed them in a basket that sat on the table, holding treats of its own.
“Anon?” Twilight asked, confused.
“Look, I’ve taken enough of your time. You’ve got a land to rule and tell you all I know. I just want to sit up in my house and just wait until this crazy dream ends.” Anon carried the basket and armfuls of sweets, pastries, and other edibles with him to the door. “Let me know when you open a portal to my home or whatever. The sooner I get back, the happier that everyone will be.” Anon waddled awkwardly out of the dining room. When Anon was out of eye and earshot of the royals, he sighed and slowed his pace. A dark cloud hung over him the entire path back home.
I can’t be happy nowhere. Anon somberly thought to himself, reaching his door. He pushed it open, knowing that there was no need to lock a door in this world. Then he closed the door, resting the food by the door frame. That’s when he noticed the lavender pony over by the coffee table, doing...something. She froze solid, looking over her shoulder with wide eyes.
“Oh, uh, hey...Anonymous.” Starlight nervously giggled.
“I would assume you were attempting to rob me, but knowing what I know about you ponies, this is gonna be some kind act, isn’t it.” Anon was unimpressed and had no energy to get riled up. He did plenty of that already.
“Well, you’re not wrong.” Starlight admitted, levitating what she was holding out of Anon’s view. It was a book, looked like the pony version of an encyclopedia. “I may have overheard your meeting with the Princesses.”
“You make a habit overhearing things.” Anon noted. Starlight rubbed the back of her foreleg.
“Yeah, well. In any case, I thought you’d want to learn more about our history.”
“I’m not nearly good enough with Ponish to read that.”
“Well, when you do, that could be something to read.” Starlight replied with a hint of sass. “Just, consider it a gift, between-“
“We’re not friends.” Anon quickly corrected. To which, Starlight could only sigh.
“Look, I don’t want to lecture you. You don’t seem the kind to listen anyway.” Anon, deep down, was offended. “But, I can tell that something is eating up at you inside. I could hear it in the way you talked back there. As much as you want to go home, you sure don’t like it.”
“It’s a complicated relationship, I’ll admit.” Anon responded, sobering up from his initial annoyance with the pony.
“Consider this a warning, Mr. Anonymous. No matter how much you try to push us ponies away, we’re going to make you feel welcomed and accepted. Trust me, I would know.” Starlight began trotting to the door, passing by Anon’s leg. She lightly brushed against it, similar to that of a cat, in a very deliberate move. Anon watched as she stood at the door, her magic grabbing the handle. “Just give it time. You’ll come around.” She then closed the door gently behind her, leaving Anon alone in the house. With that out of the way, Anon collapsed on the couch, the weight of the day collapsing on top of him. His exhaustion was immense and it was only 1 in the afternoon. His eyes began to flutter regardless. Before, he felt melancholy and empty. Now? Now...he felt…
“Fucking ponies, man.” Anon grunted, just before everything faded to black.
Author's Note
Wrote this with a little vitriol for humanity due to...current circumstances. I feel this comes off a little rambly, but if Anon is supposed to be this confused, misanthropic, lonely college student who may or may not be a reflection of their author *cough cough* then maybe that’s fitting. In any case, I hope this is a good enough story and as always, I’m sorry.
