Rule No. 1 (The Only Rule)
For almost 2 and a half centuries, there has been one golden rule of the sea. Granted, this rule never really took into effect for the rest of the world until about 1890 whatever the date was... but yeah, that rule has been in effect for quite some time. There has been a long list of challengers to that rule in the time it has been implemented from Moroccan pirates who thought they could fucking swash-buckle their way on board our trade ships to the fucking dumb-asses who thought they could plant a bomb on the USS Cole. Now granted... it a drone that took one of the fuckers that planned that shit out a few years later... but still, the navy did not respond with a simple letter of condemnation and the shit that the UN pulled before the fucking war. But anyways, look at me... I am rambling my ass off and I have already strayed from the point. What is the point you ask? Well, the point is the golden rule of the sea. And what is that golden rule? Don't fuck with the US Navy.
Now, earlier I mentioned a fucking war. Well... one could call it a war but in reality, it was fucking overkill. But those fuckers deserved it nevertheless. If there is one thing I hate more than fucking terrorists and furries, it is fucking ponies. The whole fucking lot of those pieces of shit deserve worse than they already have especially those fucking whores called the "Elements of Harmony". I mean... Fucking magical horses that live off of friendship is a child's dream come true... It was my fucking child's dream, and that fucking bitch of a princess had to ruin it.
A while back, before I started writing this shit down, I found myself stationed as the XO of the USS Reuben James. She was a good old ship. Built back in the 80s, she had already seen service all the way back to the Iran-Iraq war escorting convoys because of a certain Islamic Republic. I mean... Don't get me wrong, Islam ain't a bad fucking religion, but those fucks in charge of Iran are number 3 on my fucking list of shit that I hate. Number 2 being those lying Chinese Communist fuckheads and number 1 being... You guessed it... Ponies. But anyways.... Yeah, she was a good ship.
Fast fucking forward to 2012 when those pony fucks arrived in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The Reuben James and I were stationed off the coast of the Philippines and we were apart of the "rapid response team" that was sent in to investigate the spontaneous land mass. A few of the guys thought it was Atlantis but that fucking theory flew right out of the window when we saw the bitch herself. I will not even call that fucking cock-sucking white bitch by her name... it makes me fucking shudder at the thought of that.
So anyways, the bitch comes over to us with her fleet of fucking galleons and man-o-wars with the typical "who are we" and what not. Anyways, fucking relations and shit done and what not, I though she was pretty fucking sincere but then again... this is coming from the guy who had a young daughter that used to watch the show as a whole and I had no fucking idea what the hell was gonna happen. So... peace was made, right? Well, they sorta got a bit defensive and set up a barrier of sorts around their land and it was kinda understandable considering the commie fucks over in the PRC wanted a slice of the pie as well as commie Hermann Göring (as I like to call that fatass in charge of Pyongyang).
So yeah, diplomatic shit went through quite easily with the whole friendship nonsense and poof, Equestria now became a recognized nation with full member state rights in the UN. After that, it felt kinda good in the world. I mean, those fucks in the Middle East were still pulling their shit with the whole "Death to America" gig (which by now really wasn't kicking anymore in that area... even in Iran). As per usual, those commies in China were still putting the country in-dept while the administration was trying to stop the Ruskies in Ukraine. So basically, life went on like nothing happened. Well, that is until the world tour began.
See, in the spirit of "friendship", the white bitch and her other princesses decided to do a world tour of goodwill. Sounds fucking nice right? Well, if you made it this far, you know shit went down. Anyways, I was at home playing with my daughter when I flipped on the TV. My little tyke wanted to see the princesses so being the good father I am, I switched it to CNN (as much as I hate those fucks, at least they aren't fucking Fox news) so that she could watch the interview. Turns out the princesses were in Japan and decided to hold a press conference. It all went pretty well until some reporter asked about the possibility of visiting Equestria... Oh fucking boy that was the worst fucking moment this world has ever fucking faced. That was the moment she revealed the plan.
Now... Those cocksucking equine pieces of shit already knew that question was gonna be asked and planned ahead. They had this whole fucking business plan and everything for "conversion bureaus". Basically, the premise of it all was throw away your humanity and come join us in happy free magic pony land... All of that happy horseshit. Heh, get it? Horseshit.... Fuck I am loosing my mind. I need to sleep the fucking Jack Daniels off after this... Wait where was I? Oh yeah, the white bitch. Anyways, the world was kinda shocked at the whole announcement but a few world governments got on board with the idea. Now granted, not a lot of humans decided to join up on the party at first with only a few (who were probably at their lowest points) converted. They seemed pretty happy with the whole thing as they sent videos back from Equestria so shit seemed fine... That is, until it happened.
Remember those Middle Eastern fucks I was talking about? Well, turns out they decided to fuck off with the jihad shit and decided to create a new organization that actually wasn't religious. It was called the HLF, Human Liberation Front. The whole shebang was based in fucking Damascus for a few years until the absolute Chad himself, Mr Bashar Al Assad, kicked them out. You know what they say, you can't Mossad the Assad.... I guess that applies to anyone that tries to fuck with those Syrians. Shit... Rambling again... Fuck it, okay... I am gonna fucking throw this god damn can of bear away and try to finish this before I go to sleep...
I need to stay the fuck away from that discord... Shit... I am a fucking Captain, I need to pull my fucking head out of my ass...
Okay... Now HLF, those cucks relocated to God knows where and began recruiting globally. Turns out a lot of people were suspicious of the ponies and by then end of 2015, reports indicated that about 3 million people had joined up. Now to the bad shit...
In February 2016, those cucks decided to commence their first attack, ironically in that shit hole Detroit. It was funny how the bitches decided to headquarter their entire conversion gig in fucking Detroit. I mean seriously... I don't fucking think Detroit is the best place for friendship and magic and even so much as building a headquarters for an international organization, let alone the largest conversion plant for said organization. Needless to say, a shit ~~tone~~... ~~toon~~.... ton... A shit ton of damaged was done to the whole fucking facility and about 1000 or more casualties were reported... Including the deaths of over 300 ponies and injuries were also inflicted on the purple bitch herself. Oh that fucking butchface...
After that whole incident, Equestria immediately declared the HLF a terrorist organization and a lot of nation got behind it... Even the ever friendship loving Hermann Göring knockoff himself. But nooooooo.... That shit wasn't enough. When the next UN General Assembly meeting was conducted... The fucking purple little bitchslut.... Is that right? Bitchslut.... Bitchslut.... Eh still sound wired.... Anyways, the purple bitch slut goes up there with a fucking long ass speach. It was so fucking long, Muammar Gaddafi was probably spinning in his fucking grade. Essentially, the whole speach outlined everything wrong with humanity and such and then at the end... The punchline was given.
"Humanity has deemed themselves unworthy of having a place on the planet that they have nearly destroyed and therefore must be converted for the sake of friendship." She ended. And like that, she teleported out of there and everyone was fucking worried as shit. From what I heard from friends in the Pentagon, we were at fucking Defcon 2 by then and back channels with the Russians were already opened up during the fucking speech. Oh God it was fucking chaos for a few days. The streets were a fucking mess and the stores were fucking running out of stock as fast as you could say Toilet Paper. It got so bad at one point that I had to fucking call in a few friends from San Diego to get a military vehicle to come pick me and my family up because there was literally chaos and gunfire in the streets of the suburbs we lived in. While we waited for that to happen, I was loading the 12 gauge I kept in the attic while my wife was packing bags... My daughter however had collected every single memorabilia she collected about ponies and shit and literally set them all on fire in the backyard... In the fucking backyard, with a fucking lighter, while literally gunfire and riots were happening all around her. I was sorta proud while I was scared shitless at her... She really had guts.
Anyways, we got picked up and nearly had to shoot out way through the freeway until police finally got shit under control and we made it to the Naval Yard. It took a few days for shit to calm down but paranoia was still in the air so I had my family settle down at the base while orders came in. When orders came in... It was a fucking cluster fuck. Now, everyone's fucking idea of the US Navy is that it is the best and most coordinated in the world. Now, that is true. However, when nearly most of HICOM... Including the fucking Joint Chiefs are stuck in their home because of fucking chaos in the streets, shit becomes disorganized. Apparently, the fleet commander had to issue orders off of skype and literally just had any and every ship try to blockade the menace in the Pacific. Why these orders never came from the president, I did not know why until news reports came in... Turns out the horsefucks decided to drop their potion on DC and the White House was on lockdown as the gas was everywhere. To make shit even worse, the fucking House and Senate were all mindless ponies. Now... I really wouldn't call that an upgrade or a downgrade. I know I shouldn't be talking politics but fuck... All of those shit on Capital Hill are mindless fucktards who don't give a shit about anything.
So, flash forward about two weeks and I found myself on the bridge of the Reuben James. The ship was supposed to be scrapped in 2013 but since she made first contact, they laid her up as a sorta floating museum in reserve, much like the Iowa class (which were all being rushed to the drydocks at that time). Most of the Reuben James' systems were all up to date so the Navy decided to fuck a refit and rushed her out into the ocean. Then, the blockade began. That fucking barrier stood there, preventing us from getting fucking revenge... So we waited. And waited... And waited... And then shit hit the fan.
While we waited, they planned... And they planned well. When the panic struck, a whole load of mothballs were put back into service, one of them being the Enterprise. Now granted, when this shit happened, this was a few months after I was sent out with the Reuben James and the Enterprise went in for a refit since well... She was a fucking fleet carrier. Now, since she was only deactivated during that time, she was still refitted somewhat during that time, albeit with minimal shit. Therefore, this current refit progressed quite quickly which saw her get put back into service rather quickly. At this time, the Reuben James was about one month shy of heading back for fuel and a well needed refit when it happened.
The fuckers came out of nowhere from what we heard. The entire fucking fleet was attacked by those furry shitheads. Now granted, a few ships were damaged, the John Paul Jones getting the worst of it all, but still... We were attacked. We were attacked while we were sitting on out asses with out thumbs in each other's dicks... Wait, that doesn't sound right... Aw fuck it... That's the Jack Daniels speaking. But now to the premise of this little fucking shit I am writing down drunkenly on a piece of paper.
When all of us heard of the attack, we all got fucking angry. And angry was just a fucking understatement. We were all pissed... No one fucks with the US Navy. Not some fucking terrorist, not a rice fucker, and definitely not a MOTHERFUCKING FURRY BASTARD. At that point, I can say that I had a... Lapse of Judgement... But I was still thinking straight. Albeit suicidally like the rest of the crew. We all opted to not go in for the refit (and general orders helped solidify that) so we easily got refueled by a supply ship. Now, what we did not tell the higher ups was that we were gonna fucking get revenge. No doubt they were already planning it and no doubt we would get court marshalled for what we were gonna do but hey... Nobody or nopony fucks with the US Navy, that's the fucking rule of the sea.
So there we were, waiting for the right moment. We waited for weeks, patrolling out little sector in the sea. Then, as if god heard our prayers, it fucking happened. The fucking pony princesses amassed their fucking fleet of fucking Victorian Era ships and transports and we're fucking sailing towards us with an entire fucking army. Oh fucking boy we weren't gonna pass that shit up, no sir... Oh we fucked them up so good.
Now... The Reuben James is what you would call a Guided Missile Frigate. Basically, it means stay the fuck away if you don't want to be fucked. But the ponies didn't know that, all they knew was that it would be easy to attack a lonely ship again. But remember, last time attacked, it was a Pearl Harbor scenario. This time though... This time we were fucking ready. The Reuben James is a fucking loaded ship complete with a 76mm gun, a complement of 2 Seahawk helicopters, a Mark 38 missile launcher with a fucking 40 round magazine, your typical Vulcan Phalanx anti aircraft minigun (for all you simpletons out there), and two fucking triple tube torpedo launchers. Oh yeah, and four 50 Cal. Machine guns because fuck you, fuck your navy, fuck your potion, and fuck your princesses. Also, 'Murica.
Anyways, they knew we were there but their outdated shit couldn't reach us so we basically made sure that they all left the barrier before we attack. When we attacked, we were about 14 km away from those pony fucks so it became a fucking turkey shoot. Ships and transports blew up and went to the fucking sea floor like as fast as a Ferrari can go from 0-60 mph. Eventually though, 40 rounds can empty quickly but all 40 hit their mark. There looked to be about 13 ships left and they had already sent their Pegasi carrying potions after us so we basically made sure the Seahawks stayed back while we let the Phalanx do it's work. Have you ever seen it rain blood and guts before? Well, that's what it was... Blood and Guts falling from the sky, their potions hitting the deck harmlessly as there was no time to arm them. We simply put them all in the ocean after that was done and over with, it was already confirmed that dumping the potion in water wouldn't do shit so we were fine. Anyways... 13 ships left or was it 14... Oh fuck it. About a dozen left and we simply sent the Seahawks into get rid of the majority of them. By the time the Seahawks ran out of ammo, they had already disabled about 9 of the obsolete warships simply by peppering them with high velocity bullets. As we gained on the lead ship, we simply launched torpedos each time we passed one of the hulks. When that was done, we were about 5 km out from the warships and they were already firing back. Well, firing back was an overstatement. It was clear these ponies did not know what a fucking she'll was because Everytime their pre-dreadnought fired, on massive cannonballs came careening towards us. That fucking made me nearly die of laughter to be hinneedy.... Hiemne... Honest... Shit I might pass out. Uhhhh.
So, we findied off thee 4 remaning rscors befer we made it to the lead shiiiip. Ship... Shit... So uh, turns out those 4 fucking princess bitches were there and as we passed them, a few of the guys on the bridge decided to flush their... Uh... Their asses through the glass windows. From what I saw, the purple bitch was disgusted. Anyways, we slowed down parallel to the ship and uh.... I'm too fucking drink.... DRUNK to explain it so uh... We fucked their shit up. AND THATS WHY.....
Thump
*** *** ***
In a house outside of San Diego lived a Captain. This Captain was an accomplished Captain, a hero... Not just for his own country, but for the world. Inside this house lived the Captain's wife and daughter, both fast asleep. Well, that is somewhat true in the case of the daughter. When a loud thud was heard, Helen Thompson for up to see what was the matter. As she made her way into the living room, she found her husband, Keanan Thompson, passed out drunk on the kitchen table, writing something. Slowly moving her husband's head off the paper, she took it and read it. It was his telling of what happened during the war, or as they liked to call it, the overkill. She shared her husband's sense of humor and as she read the paper, she silently laughed at her husband's own self awareness on how drunk he was and she saw the progressive increase of typos that were being written up until the point when he collapsed from both alcohol and fatigue. Keanan was a good man and a good husband, so paying back the favor, Helen decided to let this one lapse with alcohol go. As she began to put the paper down as she finished reading it, she noticed something... It wasn't complete. Thinking for a minute, she decided to help her husband out. She would leave him to fix the typos later, bit now... Before she cleaned up his meds and put the alcohol away, she decided to finish his work of... profanity. Quietly, she wrote down the last words.
"Don't fuck with the US Navy."
Author's Note
Hello everyone! First TCB story here! Now, I know what you all are probably thinking after reading this... What the fuck... Well, at least some of you will probably think that... I am betting the others will ask about the typos. The typos that I put in Keanan's writing are on purpose since he is smashed on Jack Daniels. Now, if there are typos in Helen's area, those are mistakes and I am sorry for those.
Now, for other information. The USS Enterprise was put in inactive service from 2012-2017 (when she was sadly scrapped) so it would make sense to see her be put back into inactive service. The USS Reuben James was actually scrapped in 2013 if memory serves me right but I literally decided to put it in the story because it was the first name that I thought of. All the armaments that have been associated with her in this story are factually correct. Now if somebody says that the Reuben James was armed with the Mark 13 missile launcher, you aren't wrong. However, she got refitted with the Mark 32 after all Mark 13s were put out of service back in about 2004 during the Bush Administration.
As always, leave a comment below! Comments and criticism are always welcome as long as they are kept civil or friendly. If you wish to have a debate, keep it friendly in the comments. If you wish to curse, just don't make it personal heh. See you in the other stories!
