Princess Fontaine

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Narcotics, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Bioshock, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity
Length: 1745

Twilight finds out that Princess Celestia may not be exactly who she says she is. (Crossover/Random Comedy)

Twilight Sparkle is always delighted when her mentor Princess Celestia invites her to Canterlot to talk, and all the more now since she's the designated heir to the Equestrian throne. Celestia even got her this neat new shortwave radio!

A Random Comedy-type Crossover one-shot which is just one big Bioshock reference. A spiritual successor to Mi Amore Cadenz-Ur, a similar video game shitpost whose reception I was pleasantly surprised with.

EDIT: Heh, Non-mature featured 3/20/20. Heh.

Published 2020-03-20 07:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-20 07:30:02 UTC

A Princess Chooses; A Librarian Obeys.

“Wow, Princess Celestia, thanks again for this walkie-talkie!” Twilight Sparkle said as she sauntered up one of the many flights of stairs in the castle.

Soon, the cute little electronic machine buzzed with her mentor’s voice. “I’m so happy you like it, Twilight. It will really make it easy to stay in touch when I retire. Come on into the throne room. I’m looking forward to seeing you!”

Twilight pushed open the big double doors to the throne room, curiously noting the absence of the castle’s guards as she waltzed in. As the doors shut behind her, however, she noticed Princess Celestia wasn’t there. “Princess?” She asked, holding down the talk button with her magic. “Where are you?”

“Oh, I’m having a little trouble targeting my teleportation spell, Twilight. Quick, put your crown on the seat of my throne, and I’ll see if that helps me teleport down from my room.”

Twilight’s brow furrowed for a moment as she approached the Princess’ throne. Celestia had never had any problems with her magic before. Maybe it was good she was retiring soon.

Twilight’s horn lit up as she removed her crown and placed it gently on the seat in front of her. Suddenly, a magical cage snapped shut around the crown as the torches lighting the room took on a blackish green hue. Whipping her head around, Twilight’s eyes widened as she soaked in the scene. “P-Princess?” her voice wavered into the hoofheld radio.

“Aahhhh... “ Princess Celestia sighed through the radio. “Nice work, my faithful student.” The voice coming through the radio deepened into a chilling laugh which paralyzed Twilight in place. “It’s time to end this little masquerade,” the now masculine voice called through the radio. “There ain’t no ‘Princess Celestia’, kid. Never was. Someone in my line of work takes on a variety of aliases. Hell, once, I was even a Kirin for six months! But you’ve been a sport, Twilight, so I guess I owe you a little honesty. The name’s Frank Fontaine.”

The fear in Twilight’s heart shrunk as her analytical side took over. She scrunched up her face as she tried to think through things. “Wait...so...where’s Princess Celestia?”

“Nowhere, kid! I was her the whole time! I’m Frank Fontaine- the shadowy character you’ve been hearing about on all your travels. The one who seemed to be pulling all the strings from behind the scenes, despite long being dead!”

“...I’ve never heard of you,” Twilight honestly answered.

“Now, with your crown in my possession, I’ll rule this kingdom!”

“Actually, a territory ruled by a prince or princess is called a principality,” Twilight corrected. “...Is this Queen Chrysalis?”

“No, for the last time, the name’s Frank Fontaine! I gotta say, I had a lot of business partners in my time, but you were one of the best...of course, the fact that you were genetically conditioned to bark like a cocker spaniel when I gave the word might have had something to do with it. As soon as that cage finishes quarantining that magical crown, I’m gonna run Equestria, tits to toes.”

“Okay, three questions,” Twilight replied. “What are tits, what are toes, and why do you sound like a stallion from Manehattan?”

“Sorry, little pony. You know what they say: never mix business with friendship.”

“Hey!” Twilight barked into the walkie talkie. “You’re supposed to mix friendship with everything! You were the one that taught me that!”

The grating voice on the other side of the radio ignored her and concluded. “Thanks for everything, kid. Don’t forget to say hi to King Sombra for me.”

As if on cue, more than three dozen unreformed changelings burst through the stained glass windows, snarling and hissing as they approached Twilight.

The fear in Twilight’s heart returned as she realized she might die in that very room. Slowly, she began to back away from the terrifying insects. With each passing moment, she had less and less room.

“Princess Twilight!”

Twilight whipped her neck around to see a little filly pop out of an air grate nearby. “Over here, quick!” she called.

Without any time to think through her choices, Twilight made a mad dash for the vent, diving inside and just barely missing a snap from a changeling’s maw. She madly crawled through the darkness after the little pony in front of her, before the vent suddenly felt as if it had given out from under her. She didn’t even have time to scream before everything went black.

Twilight’s blurry vision was the first sense that returned to her. Moaning and gripping her head, she tried her best to sit up.

“Hey, you. You’re finally awake,” a familiar voice called.

Twilight turned to see Princess Luna take a long drag off of a cigarette. “I was able to undo most of Fontaine’s mental conditioning,” she explained. “But he can still pull some very unpleasant strings.”

Despite seeing a familiar face, Twilight couldn’t bring herself to relax. “You’re not an evil imposter too, are you Luna?”

“Of course not, don’t be silly,” she scolded.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Wait a second, he brainwashed me? And you knew that you had a fake sister who was actually an evil usurper, and didn’t tell me?”

“I tried to let you know, Twilight, but you were always yammering on about friendship. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”

Twilight’s eyes darted between the young foals scattered about on the floor, working on coloring books. “And why do you have a secret dungeon full of little fillies under the castle?”

Luna sighed. “It’s a long story. I turned them into unholy abominations of nature so I could harvest an addictive magical substance out of them, kind of changed my mind about the whole setup and decided to rescue them...Y’know, that old chestnut.”

“NO, I do not know!” Twilight seethed, her health returning to her as she became increasingly more frustrated with the whole situation.

“You should really relax, Twilight,” Luna cautioned. She floated over a small package to her appointed successor. “Want a cigarette?”

“AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU SMOKE!?” Twilight skree'd loudly.

“Don’t scream, you’ll scare the little ones!” Luna hushed. “Look, I know you have a lot of questions, but right now we need to focus on the present. We can’t let Fontaine take control of Equestria.”

Practicing the breathing ritual that Princess Cadance had taught her, Twilight was able to center herself again. “Okay, what do we do?”

“Just head up the stairs and out of my child dungeon,” Luna explained. “I’m sure when you do that our arrogant enemy will mockingly contact you and reveal additional helpful information.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow but nodded and stood up from her bed. “Okay.”

“I will contact you by radio soon!” Luna called after Twilight as she ascended a nearby stairwell. At the top, she squeezed her way through a small gap in a metal door and began to head up a ramp.

Twilight’s radio buzzed to life. “Ah,” Fontaine’s voice came through. “Seems like Mother Moon has been playing around in your egg salad!”

Twilight scrunched up her muzzle. “What? Seriously, I can’t understand your colloquialisms at all. Are you sure you’re not Chrysalis? I mean, you just sent a changeling army to attack me.”

“Oh, son of a…” the walkie-talkie buzzed. “Code Yellow.”

Twilight dizzily took a step back. “Ugh. I feel weird...Did you do something?”

“I just told your brain to tell your heart to stop beating. Not right off the bat, mind you. The hear-”

“You WHAT?” Twilight screeched into her device. “You genetically conditioned my heart to stop!?”

Luna’s voice buzzed through the radio. “Sorry about that one. I used to work for this guy, stole you as an embryo from your mom, modified your genome, et cetera. My bad. I’m on your side now, though!”

Fontaine’s voice cut back on the radio. “Wait, what’s going on? Your heart is supposed to be beating slower, not faster!”

“I have anxiety, okay!?” Twilight cut back. She tried to slow her hyperventilation as she searched frantically through her saddlebags. “No, no, no...Where’s my Xanax!?”

“Twilight, stay with me,” Luna urged as darkness began to creep in on the edges of Twilight’s vision. “Twilight. Twilight. Twilight!”

“Twilight. Twilight.” Spike soothed as he shook Twilight awake.

She sat up straight in bed with a jolt, covered in a cold sweat. After taking a few deep breaths, she looked around the room frantically before letting her gaze meet Spike’s. “Spike! I had a terrible dream! Princess Celestia never existed and I was actually fooled by a maniacal con stallion into giving him the magic to rule Equestria. He had me under mind control, and...and Princess Luna was performing medical experiments on foals, and-”

“Twilight, hush,” Spike calmed her, placing his claw on her barrel. “We all have bad dreams. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Your screaming nearly gave Starlight a heart attack.”

“That’s another thing! I almost had a heart attack! Well, cardiac arrest, actually, but given that coronary blood flow is-”

“Twilight.” Spike placed a claw on her lips to silence her. “Take a big breath in and out for me.”

Twilight followed his instructions, her warm breath rushing around his claw.

“You’re alright.”

Twilight allowed herself a small smile. “Yeah, I’m alright. I think it’s just coronation jitters.”

“It probably is. You’re under a lot of stress. But, everything is okay; Princess Celestia is real, Princess Luna isn’t performing any unethical experiments, and you haven’t given away the right to rule Equestria to a villain.”

Twilight exhaled again, allowing herself to lie back down.

Spike immediately got to work on tucking her back in. “And you’re definitely not being mind-controlled. Come on, that one’s just silly. You’d know if Starlight had pulled another fast one on you.”

Twilight allowed herself a small giggle. “You’re right, Spike. Thanks so much.”

“You got it, Twilight,” he told her, the glinting of his smiling fangs just barely visible in the dark. “Now, would you kindly go back to sleep?”

Author's Note

"I had you BUILT! I sent you to Ponyville! I called you back, showed you what you was, what you was capable of! Even that life you thought you had, that was something that I dreamed up, and had tattooed inside ya head! Now, if you don't call that friendship, I don't know what is!"