How Rainbow Dash Won Her Home
You know, Sky Pirate rules
Author's Note
This is the story spawned from me hearing a random joke when talking about how Rainbow got her house. I just had to get it out of my system.
You know, Sky Pirate rules
Twilight trotted confidently beside Fluttershy towards Rainbow's trophy room in her house.
"So, every award you don't want on display in your bedroom is down here?" the purple princess asked as she trotted past some old middle school trophies.
"Oh yeah, it's why I'm glad I've got such a big place. Not every pegasus has a Cloud Redoubt you know!" Rainbow replied as she flew up to a high shelf and admired her own reflection.
"Well, I'm fine with my little cottage," stated Fluttershy sheepishly.
"Right, so which of these do you really like again?" Twilight asked, looking at the huge wall of various gold and silver awards, trying to find anything interesting to examine.
"Hmm, well I suppose I like the early ones, like the Junior Speedsters Speed Demon Award!" Rainbow replied, as Twilight's gaze found a peculiar wall decoration that she'd somehow passed over despite it being pretty much front and center...an azure stallion's head mounted like a hunting trophy.
"You know it's not every day that a filly beats a mare twice her age, but that was every day for a whole week toward the end of my time in scho-" Rainbow said, but was interrupted.
"Rainbow! What is that?" Twilight asked, pointing.
"Huh? Oh, that? Just the old owner, hardly one of my better trophies. Ooh, how about the award for most donuts eaten while flying, when I first visited Canterlot?" Rainbow went on, showing a trophy featuring a winged bronze donut as Twilight's jaw dropped.
"Ooh, I love that one! Hehe, it's like donuts are prey animals, and you're a big nasty predator! Munch munch!" Fluttershy said with a giggle.
"Uh...eheh, well, um, good prank, Dash, but come on, you just have that fake head so you can freak ponies like me out while you gloat!" Twilight said with a bit of an eyeroll.
"Um...excuse me? Twilight, calling one of my trophies fake is not cool, especially in my own house!" Rainbow said as she zoomed to come nose to nose with the alicorn, making Twilight nervously smile. "Right Fluttershy?"
"Right," Fluttershy said on cue.
"Oh, you can't fool me, Fluttershy's in on it, isn't she?" Twilight asked after regaining her composure.
Rainbow growled a bit, and Fluttershy stepped between the two, putting a hoof to each's chest.
"Um, Twilight, no, it really is the severed head of the previous owner, who Dash fought to get the house from, not a prank. Why would you think Rainbow would pull something like that? I'd never allow it, especially since it disrespects him," she soothingly stated.
"It..." Twilight started, the gears in her mind grinding slowly together. "That's a dead pony? That she killed to get the house?"
"Yep, it's a Cloud Redoubt, that's how they work," Fluttershy replied, while Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"Since you really care so much about it, yeah, I'll tell you about it," Rainbow began, clearing her throat before assuming a heroic posture. "This Cloud Redoubt was once the home of the famous Captain Skybeard! A laidback sky pirate who retired from capturing caravans close by Cloudsdale with many riches. He wasn't the greatest sky pirate, but he was the last one to hold a Cloud Redoubt. They say Rush Windmore poisoned him over dinner like a coward. Anyways, so along I came, and I figured the home of a captain that loved sleeping as much as booty was a perfect place for me! See, in a Cloud Redoubt, there's no law! It's not technically part of Equestria...or something like that, I'm no egghead. Point is, you just kill the owner and it's yours!"
"It's a little harsh, but every pegasus is taught about it," Fluttershy chimed in.
Twilight took a moment to process the information. "Uh...right... Um, so how did you...?"
"Take his head? Oh, it was easy, it's why I don't consider it much of a trophy. The coward actually tried to fly off when he saw me and Fluttershy coming! But he couldn't 'cause he had his hooves full of treasure like an idiot!" Rainbow said with a chuckle. "Anyways, after I tackled him to the floor, he tried to punch me a few times, but all I had to do was give him a few slams in the stomach to wind him and he was down for the count!" she continued while doing a few motions like the ones described.
Twilight briefly looked to Fluttershy, who had her usual awkward "Rainbow is my best friend, whatever she says" smile.
"So anyways, he put his neck to the floor and asked me to end it. It was really anticlimactic, I'd been spending weeks training! I did get my revenge, though. I spat in his eye, then sat right down on his stupid face. Really rubbed it in in his final moments...literally!" she said with glee.
Twilight felt a little like vomiting, and put a hoof to her mouth. "Um, did you really need to humiliate him like that? I mean..."
"Of course! It's an old sky pirate tradition, so if I didn't, nopony would respect me! Anyways, he muffled something about just ending him, and I hate listening to begging, so I spun around on his snout and and stared him in the eyes as I brought the axe down. It was kinda awesome, and I thought Fluttershy would be all disgusted, but she gave a good cheer," Rainbow replied casually.
"Yeah, the somber mood helped me keep calm, unlike all those races, so I did one of my first practiced 'woohoos'," Fluttershy said.
Twilight's eye twitched briefly. "Right um...yeah... and you're...okay with Rainbow murdering a pony?"
"Well, we usually put ourselves above all the animals, even though they have thoughts and feelings just like us. As much as I don't like for ponies to have to die, I do find it kind of...fascinating for the rules of nature to apply to ponies, and I'm glad Rainbow convinced me to watch," Fluttershy replied with almost a hint of happiness.
Twilight felt a chill run down her spine, and began stepping back a little. "Um, I think I'm gonna go uh, give Spike his back massage. Real important, you know?"
"Hey, you're gonna leave without hearing about the next part of the story? See, my cousin came over to challenge me..." started Rainbow as she brought another severed head from a cabinet, clearly of a purple adolescent mare with a golden mane styled like Rainbow's.
Twilight's eyes went wide and she eyed the exit. "Um, maybe some other time!"
"Oh, but that was a much better fight! Like a bear kicking a naughty wolverine out of its territory!" Fluttershy added while leaning on Rainbow a bit.
"Eh, she barely lasted a few minutes while I was chewing gum, but better than Rush Wimpmore. I almost showed her mercy, but well, with what she did to your geese just to show she meant business, Fluttershy..." Rainbow started as she flew in front of Twilight to block her path.
"We do not speak of that," Fluttershy stated in a grim monotone.
"Right, right, well, anyways, once she was begging for me to spare her, I spat out my gum, put some hot sauce on it, shoved it in her mouth to shut her up, put her head in an empty trash bin, and told her she was a piece of trash that'd go right next to my used gum! And then when she tried to make some stupid reply, I cut off her head and farted into her mouth!" Rainbow said with glee.
"The last look on her face was priceless! That's what a big meanie gets!" Fluttershy said with a giggle like a little filly as the two high-fived.
With them distracted, Twilight rushed for the door and made a mental note to never enter Rainbow's house alone.
