A Livid Existence
I have spent my entire life in fear. I have always yearned for acceptance, but always seem to find myself subject to the ridicule and malice of others despite my squandered efforts to... and as corny as it sounds... Fit in.
Ever since I was little, I have always been different. For instance, I have always been the shortest in my class. To accompany this lack of height and brawn, I have always been an extremely shy person. This has always made me a somewhat “Easy Target” for Bullies. Ever since I was a kid I have always thought differently to my peers, perhaps even on a higher level of understanding. I have always wondered why people ridicule others. I never fully grasped why people feel the need to put down others with intentions of hurting them on an emotional or physical level. Even up to this day, and I’m sure I share this thought with many others, will never truly understand the cruel nature of man. This mentality did not change through primary school and I carried it all the way to high school. I maintained the same group of “Friends” all the way up till high school. They are not my friends as much as a group that I could not find myself detaching from. Since I had such trouble making friends, mainly because of how shy I was, I could not find myself leaving this group.
My name is Austin... but in the group I am referred to as “Short Stuff”. As you can probably tell by the insulting name given to me by the group, the group is not fond of me. I was invited to join this group of individuals not long after I entered the first grade. I had spent my entire year of prep without friends. Just a few weeks after I started the first grade I was invited to join a group of people that I knew did not want me in their group as a worthy companion. But I accepted their invitation because I was completely without friends... I couldn’t stand to spend another lunch time by myself. I had always seen all the other children with friends and I wanted that. The group I was invited to had some very delusional individuals. There were three in total, not including myself. The first was Alex; He was the leader and had invited me to the group. The other two could be classified as one, almost twins, equally irritating... equally as close-minded and dim-witted as the other. Their names were Jason and Tom. I usually just classified them as Alex’s minions; of course I wouldn’t say that to their faces... I wouldn’t dare. Throughout all my years of primary school, I had come accustomed to the constant insults of Alex and the rodent like snickering of Jason and Tom. Being the shy person I was, I never had the courage to defend myself. I hadn’t always been shy. After my father passed away, my mother would only find refuge with a bottle of booze clenched in her fist. I don’t remember much of my father; he died when I was very young. All the information I can acquire about him were from photographs, he always looked so happy in them, so many friends... always so confident. Lucky I had these pictures, I would never be able to get my mother to talk about him. My mother has been very aggressive since he died, I couldn’t blame her. Although I was only about four when he passed, ever since then, I have always kept to myself.
The reason I refer to Alex, Jason and Tom as: Delusional, Is because they see themselves as the “Popular Kids” when they really aren’t. I never understood why they wanted to be seen as the popular kids so much, despite the fact they may have possibly been the most ignorant and heartless individuals in the school, which is usually the catalyst in a school popularity hierarchy; they were not seen at the top of the popularity chain. It was because of this that they lashed out at me on several occasions. All three members of the group were considerably larger than me. I had no chance of defending myself and had no intentions of doing so.
I took a lot of abuse through primary school. I lived in a small, rural city. The city was without colour, which reflected upon the attitudes of many of its inhabitants. Many who lived here simply drifted. They didn’t posses a spark of excitement in their petty lives and for many it was a life without joy... A livid existence.
Due to the small nature of the city, there weren’t many schools. In fact, there were only two schools that weren’t completely overrun with intoxicated juveniles and teachers that wouldn’t even care if the school was to set ablaze around them. Only one of the schools was a reasonable distance from my house and for many others who went to my primary school. This meant that nearly all of my classmates would go to the same high school as I did.
Despite what I had heard about high school being a “Fresh Start”, on the first recess of high school I found Alex, Jason and Tom all drawn together. I considered avoiding them but I didn’t want to spend my first day of high school by myself. At recess I discovered there was only one group that Alex, Jason and Tom, hated more than me. They approached a group of... regular looking guys. Alex walked up to what appeared to be the leader of their group and uttered the words: “Brony Tosser”... Not the most creative insult. I couldn’t help but find myself overwhelmed with confusion. Why was Alex making fun of their group? They weren’t short or shy like me... and what is a Brony? I was intrigued by these “Bronies”; they seemed as if they were accustomed to hatred. I mean sure I got used the being bullied, but these guys didn’t even think twice about it. After a few minutes of insults by Alex, He got bored and left. I was still curious about them but far too frightened to ask Alex about them, so I didn’t think about them anymore.
As the recess bell rang, I went to my classes as usual and anxiously waited for the day’s end. As the lunch bell rang I decided to broaden my horizons. I decided that I would seek out a new group of people to hang out with... A group of... friends. I made my way to the yard as soon as I could. When I got there I was met with a sea of judging eyes. I felt as if I was being scrutinized by them as I walked. I tried to inconspicuously join a group by swiftly moving near them, but since I was such a shy person, I didn’t have anything to contribute to the groups so I was pushed away. After about ten minutes of hopelessly trying to discover a new group, I heard a deep voice shout at me from only a few meters away. I turned to see it was none other than Alex. I was by myself when he had spotted me and must have seen this as an opportunity to prove his dominance to the rest of the students. I was frozen with fear. He walked up to me slowly, smiling. He shouted “So... Ditching us, are we Short Stuff?” I didn’t know what to say. “Well?” Alex said in an asserting voice. “Well... I...I... Just thought... That Maybe... I Could... Well if it was ok with you...” I said starting at my feet, shaking. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with pain. Alex had hit me. In an act of rage he had gotten me with an uppercut. I found myself on the ground, bleeding profusely. I picked myself up and made my way to the sick bay. As I was walking I heard Alex walking off, chuckling darkly to himself. Different groups had different reactions what had happened. Some were shaking their heads in disappointment, some almost crying.
After the nurse had given me some painkillers, I realised there was still about five minutes left of lunch. I decided to go out for the remainder of lunch and get some fresh air. I went to an empty bench and sat by myself, I couldn’t spot Alex or his minions anywhere so I assumed I would be safe until the bell rang. After the bell rang I went to my classes... miserable. I just wanted the day to end.
After what seemed to be an endless wait, the bell finally rang. I quickly got my things, and made my way home. I took the same route I usually do. There used to be a lot of muggers around the city, until it got to the point where there was nothing left to steal. People walked around with empty pockets and only carried money when they absolutely had to. I was glad to be home. I went straight to my room and did what I always did, I would think. Every day since my father passed away, I would get home from school and come home, without my mother even noticing I got home, and would think and contemplate what my father would have done. I just pray that someday I will find where I belong. I had a restless sleep that night. I was dreading having to get up the next day and go to school. What was waiting for me there? When the morning rolled around, I felt horrible. I exited my room, poured myself a bowl of stale cornflakes and sour milk. I noticed my mother was passed out on the couch just before I left... typical. “Aus...Austin...” She muttered. I turned surprised and responded “Yes?” “You’re cousin Georgia is staying here for a few days; Aunt Beula is going away for a little while.” She replied. “Umm... ok? What do you want me to do...?” I responded. “Just keep an eye on her when you get home from school, just let her watch T.V or something...” She responded in an exhausted tone. “Whatever...” I replied unamused. It wasn’t that I didn’t like looking after Cousin Georgia... In fact I did, I have just been really down lately, more than usual.
I made my way to school on the same route as always. I passed by the dimmed coloured buildings and cracked pavement. As I was walking to school I encountered something I did not expect. It was the group of guys from yesterday... the... Bronies! I still was clueless to what this word actually meant. I wanted to go up and talk them; they were just walking to school, why not? I was just too nervous of what they would do. Would they accept me? Would they even like me after seeing me with Alex, Jason and Tom? So for yet another time in my life, I didn’t take the risk. As I was walking I was completely regretting not approaching them. When I was about half a kilometre to school, a hooded man had started getting closer to me. I had noticed he had been walking the same path as I had for some time but I didn’t think much of it. He must have suspected I knew he was following me, so he took action. He ran up to me with a switch blade. I was stunned. I hadn’t seen a mugger around here for... years. I was speechless, I... I couldn’t move a muscle. I tried to speak but the only thing that came out of my mouth was “I..... I.... Plea.... Pleas.....Please...” I think he noticed from the terror in my voice that I was not able to retrieve anything of value on my person to give to him. He took my bag and rummaged through it, only to find my text books and a stale peanut butter sandwich that I was planning on having for lunch. He looked at it, then me, took it and ran off... Beggars can’t be choosers I guess. What a horrible way to start off my day. I had been too nervous to approach what could be my only chance at friends and I had been mugged for a stale peanut butter sandwich... Ugh... This wasn’t going to be a good day. I endured my classes as usual. Before I knew it... the recess bell was ringing. I had completely lost track of time. I went to my locker to put my books away and made my way outside. I kept to myself at the same bench from yesterday. I heard Alex approach. He looked at me with the same look he did yesterday, I was sure he was ready to make an example of me once again. I backed of steadily as he drew closer. He pounced at me to grab my collar; somehow I managed to get away. I spent the rest of recess hiding in the toilets, hoping Alex wouldn’t look for me there. The bell rang, I was so relived. As I made my way to class, I realised how meaningless school had become for me... It used to be the place where I could at least have the illusion that I had friends... Now I have nothing. All I have to look forward to every day is walking to school and hoping I don’t get mugged, followed by a recess and lunch time full of fear. I endured my classes once again with little content. When lunch rolled around, I hid in the toilets once again... I could not live in fear like this... Not for six more years of school. Finally, school had finished. It was Friday. I used to be quite fond of Fridays; I’m not really fond of anything anymore. As I walked home, I could feel misery. When I was about a quarter of the way home, I heard thunder. It started to rain, how cliché. Once I got home drenched, I saw Cousin Georgia on the couch; I simply greeted her and went to my room. I once again did what I always did... think. I couldn’t stand this world anymore... I had nothing to live for... I had to end it.
I had planned to make my way to the bridge just at the outskirts of the city; it’s only about a thirty minute walk. When I got to the bridge I would do what I must. I got ready and left my room. I said “Goodbye” to my mother for the last time and made my way to the front door. As I made it to the front door and was about to say my final farewell to Cousin Georgia I caught a glimpse of what she was watching... So much vibrant colours... Such beautiful landscapes... what was it? You see... living everyday in a rundown city... colour is something you’re not really exposed to a lot... I sat down next to her and asked “What is this?” She replied... “It’s My Little Pony.” I decided to sit down and watch it with her... Just for a little bit. Before I knew it... I found myself having watched over five episodes of it... I couldn’t look away. I seemed to really be drawn into the characters. The most relatable character for me of course was Fluttershy. It was like I was looking a cartoon mirror. After I had finished watching my seventh episode, I realised it was dark out, too dark to go out walking. I stayed up very late watching My Little Pony with Georgia, until she was just about to fall asleep. When I noticed she started to get sleepy, I picked her up and put her in my bed, I’d just sleep on the couch. I stayed up for most of the night and managed to get through fifteen episodes of it.
After I finished episode fifteen, I turned the T.V off. I just sat there and did what I normally did, think. But this time was different. This time I didn’t think of Alex or School or even my father. I thought of all I had to live for. I thought of what I was about to do and how big of a mistake it would have been. I was on the couch staring at the ceiling just thinking about all the things I could do in life... For the first time since my father passed, I found myself dosing off with a smile on my face from ear to ear. I woke up the next morning, well rested. It was about eleven thirty in the morning when I woke up, I found Georgia in the kitchen eating some corn flakes. I also poured myself a bowl, not even worrying about the lumpy milk or the flavourless cereal. I found myself uncontrollably talking about My Little Pony. She just smiled and laughed a little as I spoke about it and after we had finished breakfast, spent the rest of the day watching it. As sad as it sounds, this is the happiest I had been in years. I followed the same routine the next day and it seemed that the weekend just flew by.
On Monday, I woke up, still disappointed. But this wasn’t because I was scared about going to school, it was because I was I couldn't watch My Little Pony until I got home. I walked to school with a skip in my step whistling the theme to My Little Pony. I got to school without any troubles. I sat my regular Monday morning classes and when the recess bell rang, I gladly made my way to my locker, got my snacks and headed promptly to the school yard. This recess however, I did not spend in solitude on that one cold, unforgiving bench. I decided to roam the school yard with my new found confidence. I went around inspecting the groups and seeing which one I would fit best into... But that was when I overheard someone say “No way! Rainbow Dash is defiantly better than Fluttershy!” It was at that point that I turned around to immediately find the source of what I had just heard. Alas, I didn’t have time too; I felt a muscular hand grasp my shoulder. I turned around to see it was Alex once again. I think since I got away last time he now had to “Prove” himself to the students once again. He used the same tactic as he did the first time he hit me. He tried to intimidate me. “So, think you’re pretty fast huh?” At that point was when all the students of the yard turned in anticipation to see what would come of this altercation. I looked around, then back to Alex. “Well?” Said Alex, quite aggressively. I looked at him, and one thing came into my head... episode 7 of My Little Pony – Dragonshy. As Fluttershy stood up to the mighty dragon, it was to my turn to do the same. “You know what Alex? I’ve been taking you’re shit for far too long. You used to be able to get to me with your insults and constant abuse, but I’m over it. You think you’re such a big shot because you’re bigger than me and think you can boss me around? I’ll tell you this... I may be... What, half your size? But if you ever cross me again with any of this petty bullshit, you will be sorry!” Everyone was stunned, Alex was stunned... hell I was stunned. I was clearly bluffing about the “You will be sorry!” stuff, Alex was huge, and I was waiting for him to get me with the uppercut again. Alex just glanced at me, then around at all the students, he realised that hitting me wouldn’t do anything; I made him look like a fool. He, as well as Jason and Tom that had been following him during this entire escapade like the ravenous vermin they are, knew that for once in their lives, violence couldn’t save them.
After Alex had left, I was felt hand on my shoulder once again. I turned to see a group of three guys looking at me... Smiling. It was them, the Bronies. They were the ones talking about My Little Pony. For the rest of recess I was receiving constant high fives from random people throughout the year level and getting constant smiles. The three guys from the group were great. There was no leader, or abuse, other than the friendly bantering of course. The first one was Ryan, he was pretty out there, no wonder his favourite pony was Pinkie Pie. Then there was Adam, he was possibly the nicest person who I had ever spoken to, he was the one who shouted out that Rainbow Dash was better than Fluttershy, so as you may have guessed, his favourite Pony was Rainbow Dash. And finally was Greg, he... Like me, liked Fluttershy the most out of the ponies. I couldn’t believe it. I had never had so much fun in my entire life! I was speaking to people in all my classes that I had never even said “Hello” too. I spent my entire lunch time with Greg, Ryan and Adam, since we didn’t get to talk much at recess; they filled me in on everything about Bronies. About the whole community and what I have become a part of. It was at that moment that I finally realised what had happened... I had finally belonged. I had spent my entire life in fear and wishing I had the courage to just talk to people. I can’t believe that on Friday, only a few days ago, I was about to do something horrible and now... I have friends... confidence... and a new outlook on life.
I had gotten what I spent so long yearning for. I think my father would have been proud.
To go from the brink of utter misery to complete euphoria: it only took the workings of one colourful and vibrant source in a once dim and meaningless life.
End.
