Three things surprised Bon Bon on this little journey deep into the southern jungles. First, that Daring Do was not insane but a competent ally who seemed legitimately more concerned about the safety of her companions than the success of the mission. Her straightforward manner, focus, and common sense meant the two of them got along with shocking ease, and they found some camaraderie in the ever-arduous task of keeping up with Lyra's excitability.
The second thing was that Lyra really wasn't the first pony – correction, individual – to obsess over humans. Daring was right, those crazy cat folk really did form an entire culture around the accursed things! Lyra would never let her hear the end of this.
The third thing was that all those stories about ancient temples with deathtraps and lethal guardians weren’t just tall tales to make them more fun for the lowest common denominator. The stupid thing even came with a massive self-destruct mechanism! Did the ancient Abyssinians not consider that a destroyed temple can no longer defend that which it is intended to protect? Hay, just getting back out through all the same traps and golems in reverse would have been more threatening! All Daring had to do was carry Lyra and Bon Bon out the skylight with a rope and wait until the rumbling died down. Speaking of…
“Let me get this straight,” Bon Bon said as her hooves touched terra firma once again. She glared up at the hovering Daring Do. “There was a skylight right above the artifact all this time and you didn’t think to use it to get inside in the first place?”
Daring shrugged her shoulders, though she had the self-awareness to appear embarrassed. “What? It was hidden among the foliage.”
“There was sunlight pouring through it!”
“And there were also golems on the outside, flinging spears and rocks at us as we left.”
Bon Bon flung her hooves around in an attempt to convey her frustration. “Because a single gauntlet of badly aimed projectiles is worse than the acid raining from the ceiling, or the golems attacking us in the small hallway, or the giant rolling ball?”
Her blood boiled when Daring chuckled. “Ah, the ol’ rolling ball trap. Classic! They have one of those in, like, every other temple. There’s a pretty fascinating study regarding how such an idea propagated across so many seemingly unrelated ancient civilizations at roughly the same time that suggests—”
Bon Bon facehoofed. “I think you’re missing the point.”
“Bonny, look look look!” Lyra was somehow pronking on only her hind legs, shaking the artifact in her forehooves as if this would make Bon Bon pay even more attention. “It even has little hands!”
The artifact was tall, about the combined length of Bon Bon’s cannon and pastern, but narrow enough that it could have easily stood on her frog. It was a bright blue, the same color as a cloudless sky in spring. What it was made of was beyond her, but it looked sturdy and smooth. Maybe some kind of gemstone? It depicted a strange, disturbing creature on two grotesquely long legs, with skinny forelegs set flat at its sides. It looked like there was supposed to be fur on its head, but… not the rest of it? Looking where Lyra began frantically pointing, she saw the forelegs were topped off with the same weird, tentacle-like digits that minotaur sported. Or Tirek. The sight of them sent a shiver down Bon Bon’s spine. Seeing this made her all the more certain she wanted nothing to do with it.
“Hey, don’t just wave it around!” Daring landed and carefully took the little statue from Lyra’s hooves. “It’s priceless. And magical. And older than Equestria itself. We need to treat it with care.”
Bon Bon nodded her agreement. “Plus we have no idea what the magic in that thing will do if it breaks.” Being reminded that it was an ancient and potentially cursed relic had her taking a few steps back. “What is it supposed to do again?”
Tucking the statue under a wing, Daring gestured a hoof at Lyra. “Ask your marefriend. She’s the one who was trying to read those glyphs while you and I focused on getting the artifact from the obvious deathtrap.”
“Oh, goodness, Bonny, it’s amazing!” Lyra’s hooves went to her cheeks and she grinned so wide. It was adorable, and it was almost enough to make the whole trip worth it. “I couldn’t read all of it because it had letters I’ve never seen before and that alone is just…” She giggled hysterically, hoofs dancing in the grass. “More letters, there are more letters! And-and, get this, the statue. The statue! It’s a tool for transforming ponies into humans!”
Daring, who had been observing the remains of the temple a hundred yards away, suddenly whipped around. “It does what? Are you sure about that?”
Lyra’s exultant grin lost some of its luster. Rubbing the back of her head, she replied, “Yes. Maybe. Mostly sure. Like I said, it had some letters I didn’t recognize. But that’s what it seemed to be saying. There was also something about a way to ‘go where the humans are’, which was pretty clear, but I didn’t get the chance to read more before the whole temple decided to do the Shake, Rattle, n’Roll on our heads.”
A wave of terror washed over Bon Bon at the very idea. If she didn’t get that stupid statue away from Lyra, the accursed mare would spend the next several months gushing and studying and talking incessantly about humans and not paying her marefriend the attention she deserved! “S-so, we’re done, right? Time to go home and you take that thing far, far away where we never have to see it again?”
Another of those frustrating chuckles. Daring didn’t understand, else she wouldn’t be chuckling! “Yes, we’re done. Let’s head back to camp.”
“What?” Lyra’s ears flopped back as she looked between the two of them. “But… But… New letters! Surely something survived. I have proof of humanity’s existence right there. We can’t leave yet!” Bon Bon and Daring were already a few yards away. “Come back! Bo-ho-honny!”
The whining tone made Daring flinch. She glanced at Bon Bon. “You know, it wouldn’t hurt to let her—” Bon Bon shot her a look that could (and had) instantly cook dough into cookies. “Hehe, right. To camp it is.”
“Humans, Bonny! History! Please? Please please please please?”
Bon Bon was sure to level a glare at her marefriend the instant Lyra stepped out from beneath the thick jungle foliage. “You went back to the temple, didn’t you?”
The unicorn froze solid, like a filly who’d just been caught doing something naughty and knowing she was about to face her doom. Her mane was a disheveled mess and the dark rings around her eyes gave away any lie she could have offered. But Lyra was impervious to such logic and dared to try anyway. “I was just, uh… doing my mare’s business?”
Bon Bon peered. “All night?”
Out came the charming, guilty, lopsided smile. “I got lost?”
Snorting her frustration, Bon Bon turned away. “You’re lucky Daring hasn’t gotten out of bed yet or I swear we would have left you behind. Luna in the stars, Lyra, going to that thing by yourself? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?”
“Wait, Daring’s not up yet?”
“Don’t change the subject!” When she turned back around, it was to Lyra hurrying towards Daring’s tent with a worried expression. Only a few years of dealing with the infuriating pony kept her from jumping down her throat. When Lyra acted normally, she was the most beautiful, precious pony alive, but at times like this… “What are you doing?”
“Daring always kicks us out of bed,” Lyra replied as if this were obvious. “If she’s not up yet…”
The implications struck, and Bon Bon felt like a foal. She’d been so upset and worried about Lyra she’d completely forgotten the pegasus. Pushing her anger aside for the moment, she too approached Daring’s tent.
“Daring? A.K.?” Lyra poked at the side of the tent. “Are you okay in there?”
There came a low moan and some shuffling. The tent flap opened and out stumbled a pony in distinct misery. Daring, now without her hat and jacket, was pale and sweating. “H-hey, girls. I th-think I must have caught something, ‘cause I… I… Oh, ponyfeathers.”
Then she vomited. It was only thanks to Lyra’s lightning reflexes that Bon Bon got away unsoiled.
“This stinks,” Daring moaned. “I stink. Celestia, why do I stink?”
“You do stink,” Bon Bon grumbled, moving carefully through the underbrush with the incapacitated adventuress on her back. “You’re lucky I’m willing to carry you with how much you stink.” Daring only issued another pained moan in response.
Lyra trotted up to Bon Bon’s side, shouldering both her own and Daring’s packs. It was fortunate that they had packed light. “Are you sure you should be moving?” she asked with that trademark kindness that had first drawn Bon Bon to her. “I mean, if you’re so sick, shouldn’t you be lying in a tent or something?”
Daring shook her head before gagging. Thank goodness she had nothing left to throw up or Bon Bon would have dropped her faster than a sack of flour. “We d-don’t know what I’ve got. Staying here might kill me. Gotta get me to civilization. A hospital. It’s the only—” She began hacking again, loud, wet sounds that made Bon Bon’s throat hurt just hearing them. Lyra and she exchanged fretful looks and picked up the pace.
The sound of vomiting awoke Bon Bon. It was still dark out. Stifling a groan, she turned over to ask Lyra if she would check on Daring, only to find the sleeping roll next to her empty. Already up and at it. Lyra was as lazy a pony as they came, but her caring side was legendary.
More unpleasant sounds filled the hot night air. “Oh, horseapples, that’s n-nasty.”
Bon Bon’s veins became ice. Driven by a hideous curiosity, she slipped out of her sleeping roll and approached the tent exit. A low moan met her ears as she pushed her head through the flap. There was Lyra, sitting a dozen feet away with her back to the tent, head low and shoulders shaking. Her sides were expanding and contracting like a bellows, and more vile, wet noises polluted the peaceful night.
Knowing it was probably a bad idea, Bon Bon stepped out of the tent and trotted for her marefriend. Waiting until one of the sickening episodes passed, she settled beside Lyra and began rubbing her back.
Lyra glanced at her, pale and sweating. Her half-closed eyes displayed a fresh weariness and her breathing was faltering. “Y-you shouldn’t be here. You might get sick.”
“Earth pony constitution,” she replied with a confidence that defied her squirming anxiety. “We don’t get sick easy.”
Her unicorn smiled, a fragile, trembling thing. “I’m sorry I made you come out here, Bonny. I knew you didn’t want to, but—”
“Hush.” Stepping back a little, Bon Bon began massaging Lyra’s shoulders. “None of that. You’ve barely been sick a single night and you’re already talking like this is the end times. I knew unicorns were wimps, but that’s silly.”
She’d meant it as a joke, a little lightening of the mood. Lyra didn’t react. There was no sign she was offended or amused. It was so… unlike her. Bon Bon bit her lip and focused on kneading her mare’s muscles.
“You can’t carry both of us.”
Bon Bon paused, then cursed herself for it. “I bet I can.”
Lyra sighed, a long, quiet sound. “And all our equipment?”
Lyra Heartstrings, the most silly and illogical pony Bon Bon knew other than Pinkie Pie, was arguing with logic. The moment was so absurd it almost pulled a chuckle out of her. Instead, it brought back that icy feeling. Lyra was a smart mare. Smarter than most knew. She just didn’t like showing it… unless she thought it was absolutely necessary.
Bon Bon wrapped her arms around her marefriend, resting her chin on Lyra’s shoulder. “We don’t need most of it to get home. Just the food and water, the map. Leave the tents but keep the sleeping rolls. I’ll figure it out.”
Quiet filled the night air. A warm breeze fluttered their manes and tails. Bon Bon could feel her own heart beating against Lyra’s back. If she imagined hard enough, she thought she could feel Lyra’s beating in the same steady rhythm.
“You promise?”
With a grin, Bon Bon recited the sacred Pinkie Promise.
The tents were left behind. Most of their gear, too. The only things Daring insisted they keep was the map and compass, the statue, and the food and water. Even so, Bon Bon’s pace was slow. Both Daring and Lyra tried walking on their own at times, but Daring was even slower than Bon Bon when she was carrying both of them, and Lyra couldn’t go for longer than an hour before she started to fall behind.
And now it was raining. At least her passengers weren’t whining.
No. That was a bad thing. If Lyra wasn’t whining, things were serious.
Daring's hoarse voice cut through the drizzling rain. “I itch like crazy.”
Lyra let out a quiet moan and shifted. “Where? I can get it.”
“All over.” Daring squirmed and gave her wings a feeble flap. “All the hay over. Every inch of me. Just… itching. It’s like I’ve got ants crawling through my fur.”
“That sounds really annoying,” Bon Bon acknowledged, keeping her eyes on the path ahead. She was going down a shallow incline and didn’t want to take a wrong step. Water formed little rivers around her hooves. The most important thing in her world right now was getting the two of them back to civilization. At her current pace it would be another four days. Four days… She could do this, no matter how much her back ached.
There came a soft, golden glow in the corner of her eye. She glanced over to see something floating in Lyra’s magical aura. Something short and thin, like fibers. Like… fur. Pony fur. She paused to look over her shoulder. Lyra was draped towards her flanks, Daring near her shoulders, facing opposite directions from one another. Lyra was staring at Bon Bon, lips in a tight line and a pleading worry in her eyes.
There were patches of fur missing from Daring’s flank. Even as Bon Bon stared, she saw a lone feather drift through the moist air.
What was happening to her friends? Bon Bon’s hooves felt like lead. There was a distinct tightness in her barrel. Her breathing slowed. She tried to give Lyra a reassuring look.
“Everything okay?” Daring asked, her hind legs twitching to an unseen itch.
Bon Bon forced her head and eyes forward. “Just being sure of my balance.”
Three days. If she cut down on the rest time.
She could do three days.
Daring was vomiting blood. Her forelegs trembled as the red stains on the ground expanded. Her hacking and sobbing made Bon Bon squirm. What was she supposed to do? She looked to Lyra, and promptly looked away again. Her marefriend was covered in bald spots and couldn’t stop scratching. That wasn’t as bad as the tears in the unicorns eyes. And the entire time, Bon Bon had to ask the obvious question: why wasn’t she sick, too?
The jungle trees loomed over the trio, giants that cared little for their plight. An oppressive, moist heat made their fur drip with sweat. Everything was so wild and alien. It always looked alien. Bon Bon and Lyra were townsponies, used to the luxuries of a roof and air conditioning and running water, not this… this humid hell. The shadows created in the orange light of a setting sun made her think of monsters hiding in the dark places.
“Oh… Oh, hay…” Daring reached with a shivering hoof into the blood and pulled out something small. Despite her instincts screaming at her, Bon Bon stepped closer for a look. She sucked in a gasp upon recognizing it as a tooth. An equine tooth. There were more on the ground with the blood.
At her beckoning, Daring opened her mouth wide. Her breath reeked of… Bon Bon wasn’t sure what, she just knew it made her stomach churn. She looked anyway, and saw a half-dozen holes where teeth should be. “What in Celestia’s name?”
“I-I don’t know what’s happening to me,” Daring muttered between sobs. “My entire body burns! My wings. I c-can’t feel anything but fire in them.” She raised a vibrating leg. “My hoof feels like it’s going to rip itself to pieces.”
Bon Bon peered at the pegasus’s face. She could see something… Wrinkles. Minute wrinkles all over her pallid face, only visible now because of the way the sunset highlighted their edges. She tried not to imagine Lyra having the same thing.
Lyra. She was so quiet. Staring at the ground and scratching absent-mindedly. A clump of wet, aqua fur dropped from her shoulder. She didn’t seem to notice, her eyes on nothing at all.
“We have to keep moving,” Bon Bon told them, hoping she sounded like a leader. “I’ll go all night. We’ll make it.”
Daring heaved a breath. Another. Her eyes closed. She nodded. “You’re right. W-we’ll make—”
She started vomiting blood again.
In the dark on the night, Bon Bon trudged on. Her back ached and her stomach rumbled, but she wouldn’t stop. Not until she saw some daylight. She'd get some food and water when that happened. Then she’d keep going. One hoof at a time. That was all she focused on. Not the strange jungle sounds or Daring’s moans or Lyra’s sobbing. She barely noticed when something slithered down her side, wet and sticky and—
“Oh, dear, sweet Celestia, no…”
Lyra’s broken voice was enough. Bon Bon turned her head, ready to offer some paltry reassurance. She paused at the sight of a streak of blood against her side. It came from Yearling. Lyra gagged and covered her face with her hooves. Careful not to jostle her passengers, Bon Bon turned to see where the streak led. There on the ground was a lone Pegasus wing, nearly featherless. The joint where it would have met the body was a mess of ripped skin.
Bon Bon’s insides had had enough; her lunch, what little of it she’d had, left her throat. Her two passengers tumbled off her back as she fought to control her bodily urges. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks as she coughed and spat and prayed to whatever Princess was willing to listen.
“H-hurts…”
With a rasping breath, Bon Bon turned to Daring. The mare lay on her side, unmoving beyond the slow rise and fall of her chest. Blood dribbled from the place where her wing should have been. She didn't seem to notice the loss. Half-open, blank eyes stared at nothing. Her face… moved.
“It hurts…”
Her words came out in a whistling wheeze, barely audible in the quiet night. Quiet… the animals had gone silent. When she spoke, her face didn’t move correctly. It was almost as if her lower jaw was double-jointed, the front being dragged by the back.
“Daring, your…” Fighting down another violent reaction in her stomach, Bon Bon knelt by the ruin of a mare. “Your mouth. What’s wrong with your—”
A hoof moved out the corner of her eye, barely a shift. She looked to it.
She shrieked.
“Hurts…” The raspy wind returned. “H-hurts…”
Daring’s hoof was coated in blood. Blood and five hideous, bony growths. They sprouted out of the hoof’s edges like hideous plants, twitching and trembled on misshapen joints.
“Princesses preserve us.” Bon Bon stepped back, her pure animal instinct screaming at her to flee this grotesque reality, to get out of this horrid place, to gallop forever. But she stiffened her knees and refused to acknowledge the short, rapid breaths leaving her throat. She was a good pony. She didn’t leave her friends behind.
“Lyra?” She turned to her marefriend. Had she seen? Did she know? “Lyra, we need to…”
Lyra lay on her back, something blue in her hooves. The statue. Her face was solemn, her eyes full of pain and thoughtfulness. She met Bon Bon’s gaze. “It was made by Abyssinians. It turns them into humans,” she whispered. She sucked down a long, noisy breath.
“We are not Abyssinians.”
They left the statue behind. Bon Bon had been temped to smash it to pieces in the pack they'd stored it in, but resisted. She'd not touched the thing, not once in all this time. She wasn't about to do so now. Not worth the risk.
The sun was up. That was as much as Bon Bon could recognize. She blinked, rubbed her eyes. She could almost smell the cookies. Chocolate chip, Lyra’s favorite. They’d burn. Lyra couldn’t not burn cookies. Setting her hoof down, Bon Bon prepared for the arduous task of getting out of bed. Then her hoof touched grass, and the illusion shattered. She was still in the jungle. Still hot and wet and aching and… and something was wrong. Her back ached, but there was something missing.
She must have fallen asleep walking. She’d always heard of ponies doing that. And if she’d fallen asleep… where they even going the right direction, anymore? She swore under her breath and reached for the compass dangling from her throat. Still going north. Still good. She heaved a deep sigh and let the instrument fall back against her chest.
Lyra moaned. Bon Bon needed to keep moving. She willed her legs forward, even though her frogs and knees begged her not to. More moaning from Lyra. She grit her teeth against the sound. At least Daring wasn’t— She froze.
Daring wasn’t moaning. Her ear twitched, swiveled around. Daring wasn’t making any sounds. At all. She looked back, only to find Lyra. Of her other passenger, there was no sign save for a reddish patch on her fur.
Lyra, sweating, shivering, half-bald and with tiny wrinkles, met her gaze. She spoke in a hauntingly familiar wheeze that barely registered to Bon Bon’s ears. “Fell off. In the n-night.”
Numbness. Aching numbness. Bon Bon turned around to face the jungle to the south. It all looked the same. Tall grasses, dense bushes, thick trees. Daring could have been ten feet away and she’d never know it.
Bon Bon began to tremble. Her throat felt raw. “W-why didn’t you wake me?”
A long, heavy pause.
“I t-tried.”
She couldn’t go back. Lyra didn’t have time. It was save Lyra or lose them both. Bon Bon repeated the mantra again and again: save Lyra. Save Lyra. Save Lyra. She timed it with her hooffalls.
Save Lyra.
She timed it with her love’s steady heartbeat against her back.
Save Lyra.
She timed it with the low moans.
Save Lyra.
She timed it with her own sobs.
Save Lyra.
Every step was an agony. Every blink threatened sleep. Every breath threatened to send her toppling from a balance that barely held on.
“Bonny…”
Keep moving. Save Lyra. Nothing else mattered.
“Please.”
“You’re going to make it, Lyra.” She barely recognized her own voice. It sounded so hollow, felt so gravelly on her throat.
“Bonny… You’ll kill yourself.”
A white hot poker stabbed into Bon Bon’s brain. She felt her eye twitch. Her steps steadied. “I’m an earth pony. I can take it.”
No response came, save for a feeble hacking. Bon Bon kept walking, paying no mind to the dense foliage that seemed to go on for an eternity.
“My horn fell off.”
The fire so recently ignited died with a hiss between her lips. Her legs stopped. She tried to will them forward. They refused her commands. “Come on,” she whispered. Her knees remained steadfast, anchored in pain and fatigue. “Please. I c-can keep going. I have to.”
“Bonny.” Lyra croaked, “Rest. Please.”
Bon Bon’s entire body shook. Her breathes forced themselves through a clenched throat. “I can’t. Not n-now…”
Lyra shifted. She wasn’t able to do more than that. The attempt at motion made her sob. “It’s o-okay. It’s okay, Bonny. You t-tried.”
But not hard enough. She was a failure. Such a terrible, miserable excuse for an earth pony. Eyes burning from the tears, she slowly dropped to her barrel. How much farther? How many days had it been? The village could be right past the next hill! If she could just…
“It’s okay.” Forelegs wrapped around her shoulders, trembling, feeble things. Bon Bon clenched her eyes shut at the hideous protrusions coming out of the hooves. “It’s okay. Th-thank you for trying. I…” Lyra shuddered and wept. “I want you to sleep.”
Even as Bon Bon’s eyes drooped, she fought. “No. Just… just a little… more.”
Thunk. Thunk.
Bon Bon’s eyes opened to stabbing sunlight. She crossed a sore hoof over her face and groaned.
Thunk. Thunk.
Sweltering heat. Rough ground. Still in the jungle.
Thunk. Thunk.
How long had she been out? And what was that weird sound?
Thunk. Thunk.
Blinking against the bright sky, she turned her head. What she saw shocked her to full awareness, but she was unable to move. A tense, aching paralysis seized her limbs in a vice as her heart slammed into her throat.
The creature had long, grey hairs that hung limp on its shoulders. It’s back was hunched, its hind legs long and bent in asynchronous ways. It possessed skeletal, spindley arms, and patches of gold fur could be seen on its taught, pale pink skin. She could see deformed ribs through the taught flesh, hills and valleys without pattern or purpose. At the end of its hooves were ugly, familiar protrusions, skeletal and misshapen.
It was using them to bash Lyra’s head against a rock. The stone was already stained a grisly red, with something ugly and pink dangling from a corner. Lyra offered no resistance. The rest of her body was perfectly still.
The paralysis was overcome by a single solitary urge: get away. Bon Bon moved slowly, one hoof at a time, until she was crouched on all fours. If she could move without alerting it…
The bashing stopped. The head turned to her. The sight of it pulled a whimper from her throat. Pieces of golden skin hung off the cheeks. The lower jaw of a pony flapped, useless and coated in dried blood, from a flat face. The teeth, straight but sharp, grinned through a lip-less, red-stained mockery of a smile. No upper muzzle, only a flat monstrosity with two misshapen holes for nostrils. A single, pony-shaped eye with a tiny red pupil stared through her. The other was a mess of pale tissue in an eye socket far too small for the thing’s skull.
“Kill…”
Breath vacated Bon Bon’s lungs. She stepped back. “D-D-Daring?”
The creature released Lyra. One long arm moved forward. It tried to put its weight on the spidery thing, only to collapse to the jungle floor. That one eye didn’t leave Bon Bon’s. “K-kill… Me…”
Bon Bon looked to the thing that used to be Lyra, a mess of shredded skin and disproportionate growths. Her stomach threatened to rebel. She choked the foulness down. “I… I can’t.”
The creature’s breath was a wretched hiss of air. It climbed to a two-legged stance, hunched over and monstrous appendages nearly touching the grass. Its hind legs twisted and cracked as it took an unbalanced step closer. “P-please… It hurts…”
She took a step back, raised a quaking hoof. “We’ll… We’ll get you help. Daring. Please. Just… Just k-keep away.”
That lone eye pierced her. The hiss-breath became a long, low, hair-raising moan. With shocking speed, the creature moved. Bon Bon screamed and tried to turn and run, only to be tackled sideways to the ground. Hideous appendages grasped and tugged at her shoulders. She kicked and cried and bucked. “Daring, Daring stop!”
The only response was a long, gargling shriek that chilled her very bones. It was a sound unlike any creature living in this world, a cry of agony and fury and desperation. A hoof-claw grasped at her throat, pressed down. Bon Bon tried to scream again, but nothing came out. She grasped at the appendage, grappled, fought for air. Its wet, shrill breaths huffed in her ear.
Instinct took over. Bon Bon rolled onto her back. She looked the monstrosity in its one wide, sightless eye. Her hoof came up against the side of the creature’s neck with all the power her earth pony heritage could offer. A resounding crack filled the air.
The creature fell on its side, lone eye staring at nothing.
Air burst into Bon Bon’s lungs. She breathed. She breathed. She breathed.
And then the jungle was filled with her wails.
Author's Note
This style of horror isn't my usual cup of tea, and as such I'm not at all confident in its overall quality. I can't shake the feeling that it needs something more. Maybe if I could expand it a little, but the contest it was written for has a strict 5,000-word limit. I suppose a better author would look for what to remove so as to make more room for... whatever it is it needs. Since I never intended to spend a lot of time on this, I think I'll leave it as-is and just use it as a learning experience for the future. Any comments to help in that endeavor are most welcome.
Still, it was good to get a story out and be part of a contest again, so I consider this a win overall.
