Why do I care?

by Nocturnalis Storyhart

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Original Character, Suicide / Self Harm, Self Insert
Length: 1710

No one else cares, so why do I? Is it because I'm soft? A doormat? Or some other reason that I don't even know myself?

So it seems like the world doesn't care, but yet I do; but I don't know why. I give myself away, but maybe too much. I use to be someone else, but now, I live a life of lies.

The only truth anymore must be found after this life. Time to move on I suppose. I'm sorry, I really am.

This story is more like a letter than a real story

Published 2020-03-22 06:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-22 06:50:02 UTC

The only chapter (Updated and revised)

Why oh why do I care? Is it because I thought if I did, then maybe I’d be accepted? That others around me would see the good in me as I thought I saw in them. But in the end, all I found was just pain. How many betrayals have I endured up to this point, yet still held onto hope? Hope is a lie. I’m as lonely as I’ve ever been before. Maybe this is how it’s meant to be though. I can help others, but it feels like nothing can help me. No one can help me. No one ever will be able to because I lie every day, and everyone believes this facade. I fear, and somehow know, they will never see the truth.

I begin to ask myself, why, why, why? Why do I care at all? If I do, will it change anything? For better, or for worse? Am I still me? I don't know the answers to any of these questions anymore. Maybe I never did in the first place. How is one expected to react to anything anyway? I don't know the answers to any of these questions anymore. Maybe I never did in the first place. I had always told myself to bury my thoughts deep, keep my hopes up high and my head down low. Never reveal yourself to anybody you can’t trust, which is literally every single soul around me. Never let anyone see your pain. Don't let others think you are weak. I have to set an example for others to follow, to give them hope. Everyone except for myself, that is.

I used to laugh and feel genuine happiness. But nothing of who I once was is left. My smiles are a hollow mask and my laughs have turned into screams that can’t be heard. I’d reach out to those who needed a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a hug or even a smile for comfort. But nothing like that ever came back to me. I once had a bright gleam in my eye that’s long since gone out. Here and there I feel a spark of something. but it never lasts.

I have given myself to others endlessly; only to be shunned, mocked, and used. I give everyone my heart and soul, and it is always stomped on by others. I try to help others, but they take advantage of me; they tease me, and I am abandoned constantly. But even despite all the bad that comes out of it, I still go on.

When someone, especially someone who I consider a friend is upset, I am like a mirror! I basically reflect their emotions. I mourn with those who mourn. And their burdens become mine. So, not only am I an outlet, But I'm also a storage.

This is known as being an empath. I empathize with others very easy. To empathize means to have personal experience or being able to reflect another person's emotions.

But despite being emotionally overwhelmed almost every day, I have mastered a facade. I have others fooled, even when I don't want to.

I am always thought of as the happy, go lucky, crazy pony. Basically a long lost sister of Pinkie Pie. Every pony thinks that I am every pony's friend, that I bounce around, and don't need any 1 stable friend, because I have every pony!
It’s been so long since I even considered myself before others. My life holds no real importance, at least to me. I just smile and play the part: oblivious, happy, a joker, someone who can’t say no to anything, someone who just happens to care.

Do they not think I have feelings?! That every day I am dying, over and over? Apparently, every pony is either so blind, they can't see beyond their 2 front hooves, or maybe they don't know how to interact. They might even see my pain, but choose to ignore it. I feel so alone. But then I have to remind myself that I choose to fool others so they won't worry about me. I guess that I just wish that someone could see through me, and want to help me.

I keep telling myself everything will be fine; that I will be fine because I'm strong. I have to be. I only cry for others, not for myself. At least only when I am seen. I am two ponies. The one that every pony sees, and the one only I know. It's tough, believe me. I only do what I have to.

I use my experiences to guide others, my pain to help me not let others go through what I've gone through. It seems though, I can help every pony else. You know with all their problems, worries, and cares. I carry their burdens, mourn with them even if they don't know it. When they are drowning, so am I. And when they move on, I try to, but I guess that is something I have a harder time doing.

It always seems, no matter what; I can help others, but I can never help myself.

Do you know how many times I have been told to just ignore? Just to be a good example? To just let go, or that things will get better. But it is lies; it is all lies.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Whoever said that needs to get their head examined. Face it. We know that doesn't work. Maybe in the old days, but not now. Or how about: "Treat others the way you want to be treated" I have done this almost my whole life, but I have rarely found anyone who believes that same rule. I think it has gone pretty much extinct, this golden rule .

I have been told, if you help others you will help yourself. Sounds good, so that is all I do. But after so many years of this happening, I..I can't do this! I give and give, yet no one ever gives in return. I have always given the disguise of a happy, carefree, friendly, nothing is wrong pony. And they believe it. Every single lie they believe. They can't see the truth. Maybe this will finally explain everything.

Although I wonder, and maybe it's just me, but is life worth it; all the pain? I know they say that you will get better, that you'll make it. Well, like I said, I just give and give, and it is draining me. Or should I say drowning. My soul is already dying, but not my body. Maybe I should just do...it. Just move on already! I care too much. But I can't help it. I want to help others, even if it is the death of me yet. Which it is going to be, in fact.

But thanks to all those who have stuck with me through this all. I have no clue why you did. I haven't been of any use. Maybe you say I have, that this whole world just wouldn't be the same. I might agree, but you have to realize, I can help everyone else, but I can't help myself. Maybe that will become my quote.

I am tying up any loose ends. I have been here doing so much, but maybe it is time to move on. I don't wish anyone pain. Please just let me go. Set me free. I just can't care anymore. It is killing me slowly and painfully in a way no knives or any other physical harm could ever do. I am finally caring about myself, and putting me before others. After a life of selflessness, I will be free from all that caring has done to me. I will be free at last. I will finally feel the happiness that I hopefully brought to others. I will be free from all my cares. Free. I love that word. Please set me free and don't cry over me. I was never worth it.

Although I do ask a few things. Please keep me in memory, as no one is truly gone until no one remembers them. When you do think of me, try and do what I would've done. Look for anyone who might be in pain, 3 acts of kindness a day or more, and please be a friend to everyone. Just help others, and always be a friend. And don't miss me, but just use my example as a way to honor my memory.

As I say farewell, I am remembering everything. Every happy time in my life, all the people who made a difference, my love for writing. My best years were when I was very young. I will always cherish the time I was still a kid, before I was forced to grow up so young. I remember every pony here that made me smile when possible.

My departure is near. I will be here for about another week, just to finish tying up anything I might've missed.

I have gone through so much, and I bet I am not the only one. Perhaps though, I can't understand, no matter how hard I try. I would bet that every single pony reading this, and more, are all hiding something.

Now, some might be hiding a secret crush or relationship, maybe a talent, others could be a dream or plan, and many more could be hiding pain in some way. Whether it is a crappy life, an embarrassment or shame, a broken relationship, heartbreak, drugs, or something similar to something I'm going through.

This is just my problem, and I hope that any pony else will fare better than I did. Again, I just want to say thanks to all those who have stuck with me. Every single pony. I bet this hasn't been easy, for those who have stuck with me. And probably a lot of you didn't see this coming. I'm sorry, but I need to care for myself for once in my life. I will continue to help others who have, are, and will pass in the beyond.

Goodbye.