Saints of Equestria

by Carlin

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Scootaloo, Adventure
Length: 25138

Gangs run rampant, it's up to a very special team to take them down. Nothing less than a saint...

Darkness and corruption plagues Equestria. Gangs have sprung up overnight, violence has become the solution to petty disputes. The authorities are powerless to stop the spread of evil. But a hero will rise...

Equestria needs a hero. A hero that is strong, brave, charismatic, and able to penetrate the inner workings of the twisted.

Equestria needs a saint...

Instead it got a drunken madman.

Authors Note: A humans in Equestria story and crossover. My first story so feedback/criticism is highly encouraged. Don't go easy, if I'm going to continue this I need to know how to make it worth your time and my own.
Cover image source
Now with pre-reader DemonRykuKyuubi! Typos should be less frequent.

Published 2011-12-17 08:47:01 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-28 20:01:45 UTC

Prologue

Saints of Equestria – Prologue

Where had she gone wrong? Was she not a fair and loving ruler? Always making sure everypony was content, safe, and productive. But despite all her efforts there was dissent. They wanted more, and they didn’t care who they hurt getting it. Greed and chaos had been rare sights before, but now it spread like a wildfire throughout all of Equestria. It turned good ponies into hooligans and bad ponies into monsters.

Princess Celestia paced nervously in her bedchamber during another sleepless night. She was grateful for Luna’s artistry in crafting her night sky during times like these. It served as a reminder that even in the darkest of days she would never stand alone. Even while her dear sister was in exile she took comfort in knowing it was temporary and her family would be complete again soon enough. And the timing of her return could not have been better. The strength and resolve of the royal sisters was being tested to its absolute limits and Celestia needed every source of strength she could find.

Their once harmonious society had begun to fracture at the seams. Unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies used to coexist peacefully. But now they turned their backs to each other with little warning. They quickly began forming street gangs to evict those who didn’t fit in and keep them away with threats of, and acts of, extreme violence. But it didn’t stop there…

Once the gangs had coalesced into viable organizations they saw no reason to stop expanding their influence and power. Gambling, prostitution, drugs, alcohol, extortion, murder, forgery, tax evasion, and jaywalking had all become commonplace almost overnight. Each gang specialized in their own selection of the aforementioned crimes and exerted total dominance over their territories. Their ‘hood’ if one wanted to use the native parlance.

The guards tried their best to contain the chaos. But having lived their entire lives in nothing short of absolute peace and tranquility meant even the most senior of her personal guards had little to no actual combat experience against fellow ponies. Her police forces had all become complacent and only the most blatant of offenders couldn’t avoid prosecution, assuming they were captured at all. Those who chose forgery and tax evasion were especially vexing, if not the most deadly. It took a special sort of arrogance to talk into a courtroom with a smile and a friendly wave to the prosecuting lawyer who was about to lose horribly.

They needed to take back the streets before it was too late. Almost an entire generation of ponies had fallen to corrupt ways. If they wanted to secure the future of Equestria she needed to turn back the tide of darkness. They needed somepony to lead by example as a shining beacon of light in a blackened world. They needed somepony to vanquish the evil that infested its streets and liberate its ponies from tyranny. The needed a paragon of order to purge corruption from the very heart of society!

They needed a saint.

She was pacing, again, after pulling an all-night study session, again, because she was paranoid that she was going to disappoint her mentor and mother-figure Princess Celestia, again, and was afraid she would be about to banished to a faraway land and locked up in a cell in the place she was banished to… again.

Trouble is she was right this time.

But that would only happen if she was wrong about this. No mistakes could be afforded, no detail left overlooked, no plan left half finished, an endless supply of backups and contingencies, and no fail left unsafe. This magic was dangerous enough that it had been banned proactively by the Princess herself to prevent shortsighted magicians from misusing it and unleashing chaos and destruction onto the land. But the lavender unicorn currently wearing a groove into the floorboards with nervous pacing was anything but shortsighted. Summoning creatures from the abyss was always dangerous work given the wide variety of personalities one could encounter. She knew it was very tricky to accurately specify the requirements of the summoned being. But if done correctly a powerful magician could find an even more powerful ally.

It would work, it HAD to work.

She had kept telling herself this all night. All eight of her had done so, in fact. Well to be more accurate seven of her, a male variant named Dusk, and a shockingly bookish version of Rainbow Dash had told her so. All nine entities kept a watchful eye on the frazzled student through a fractured mirror, effectively becoming an inter-dimensional conference call. A Think Tank, if you will. This one spell was that important to her. She has spent a sleepless night just figuring out that the only pony she could truly confide in completely during these troubled times was, ironically, herself. Another week was burned mastering the Farsighted Mirror spell. And shockingly only an hour was spent tracking down the variants of herself through the multi-verse. It was a very fortunate coincidence that the third dimension Twilight tried contained a version that had already done just this in order to fill the crushing void of loneliness with the only pony she could stand to talk to. (Number Three was a bit anti-social and had been passed over by the Elements of Harmony in her universe, but she was still useful)

The planning session has been wonderfully productive. The accumulation of raw brain power and fresh perspectives brought all sorts of new ideas, details, unearthed complications, solutions to the aforementioned complications, and backup plans to ensure the operation would be a total success. There remained only one last unresolved issue…

“I still think we need to tone down the aggressiveness of our target.”

“Any less and it’ll be useless, Six. If it gets out of control it’ll be easy to put down, you made sure of that yourself!”

“As options of last resort, Eight! If it comes to that then the plan already failed. We need a hero, not a disposable weapon.”

The sole Rainbow Dash looked exasperated, clearly tired of having this same conversation. “But that’s exactly what we’re getting. Yanking a creature out of its world with no hope of return for the sole purpose of using it as a weapon. When the task is over what then? ‘Go about your business strange alien creature that doesn’t belong here and will never fit in. Oh, and best of luck to you!’ Yeah like that’ll work. May as well make it a total badass, you’re going to end up needing to kill it at the end anyway. If you’re merciful that is.”

“Rainbow, has anyone told you that you can be a real pessimist sometimes?”

“Only when I’m tired, hungry, or looking at your face Number Two.” Rainbow shot a glare through the mirror that could pierce souls. RD and Two had been arguing all night. This Rainbow may have been a bestselling author and researcher, but she was still Rainbow Dash. Holding her temper in check has never been a selling point of hers. “I’ve been sitting here for hours and it’s already been a long day! And I still have climate data to collect tomorrow. I hope you appreciate all the time I’ve given you, One. I’m not exactly getting a grant to do this work in case you forgot.”

“We’re almost there, I promise. Once Dusk has the list finished up we’re ready to cast the spell and I’ll be on my way.” Though deep down the unicorn knew this wouldn’t be the last time she needed the Think Tank’s help. Finding a suitable ‘Hero in a can’ was only step one. Using it to take back Equestria from the thugs that were as common as dirt would be even harder…

Fortunately Dusk had just completed his task. He was a bit more special than the rest of the think tank, aside from his chromosome selection. Unlike the rest he had been appointed Royal Scribe to Princess Celestia and Luna themselves. Normally such duties were reserved for enchanted quills as the work was either mundane or too sensitive to be discussed in front a servant. Dusk, however, had a very special talent with words and their meaning. He had the odd ability to read between the lines and draw profound meaning from even half-finished and mumbled thoughts. To the uninitiated his skill seemed almost psychic, to those in the know it was still unsettling as he finished the sentences of ponies he had only just met. It was a very handy talent given the eccentric nature of his current company and the important of their input.

The only male pony in the Think Tank held up a scroll and looked very hopeful. The better part of the night had been spent debating that damn list. All the effort, time, energy, and resources spent on this project all came down to this. He was sure his interpretation of the group’s musings and demands had been accurately recorded in the chaos of the night’s debate. It was a good list…

Courage, intelligence, leadership, strength, and love would all be vital components of the unknown creature to be summoned. All were things that could easily be found right here in Equestria, in Ponyville itself even. But to combat the darkness that festered in plain sight would require more. A talent combination that should be impossible in any creature even remotely sane. A combination that was in fact impossible to find, at least in Equestria.

It needed to be vicious. A heart of gold shrouded in the very same darkness that even now threated the peace of Ponyville. The shining white knights of the Princess could not find their way in the black. For all their bravery and courage their efforts were useless without guidance. They needed one who had walked the path of darkness and learned all of its secrets, one who shunned the light. Yet who had simultaneously shunned the darkness as well, choosing to return from the brink of damnation stay true to its origins. One who could betray both the light, and the darkness.

They needed an asshole.

Chapter 2: Getting Acquainted

Chapter 2: Getting Acquainted

Author’s Note: as characters are introduced you may notice an image link. If you are unfamiliar with Saint’s Row and/or my depiction of the protagonist was too vague the image provided may give some additional context.

Twilight Sparkle felt sick. The number of reasons for her to be sick had just grown exponentially. She had become used to the idea of murder when gangs first moved in, but only intellectually. Now a pony lay on the ground in front of her library with a crushed pelvis and something the human had briefly described as “ricocheting testicles”. That didn’t seem physically possible but she couldn’t deny the terrifyingly efficient results of a pistol butt to the family jewels.

But the shock of witnessing death firsthoof paled in comparison to the second pony. He was still bleeding and quietly whimpering in pain after being ejected from her home rather forcefully by her new acquaintance, but that still didn’t seem good enough to Twilight. The activity that he had suggested just moments before horrified and damaged the unicorn in ways that would not soon heal.

…Or maybe they would. Where was that Taser again?

Earlier, in a meadow just outside Ponyville

“You hear that, Scoots?”

“That loud bang and a scream of pure unadulterated rage? Yeah it was kinda hard to miss.”

“Sounded like it came from Twi’s place. Maybe she was trying a new spell that backfired… I’d better go check on her. Flying lesson adjourned!”

“Oh oh! Can I come with? Maybe I can get my cutie mark cleaning up the mess.”

“Maybe not such a great idea Scoot-oooh never mind.” Rainbow was interrupted by the appearance of a white unicorn filly and a yellow earth filly. How they knew to descend upon the pair of pegasi at that precise moment may never be explained by science but they flanked the orange pegasus just the same. Individually they were known as Sweetie Bell and Applebloom, respectively. The trio, however, was known throughout Ponyville as the “The Headache Crusaders”. All three fillies opened their mouths and drew a deep breath simultaneously. Rainbow’s heart sank and ears folded back in preparation for what was to come.

”CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DISASTER CLEANUP CREW, YAY!”

Rainbow could only assume the last word out of their mouths was ‘yay’ but her ears never lasted that long. As the sharp ringing in her head slowly subsided the mare simply nodded and said “Yeah, sure… I’m going to fly over to Twi’s, meet you three there… Kay?”

Dash didn’t even bother to check for a response from the Crusaders, she couldn’t hear it anyway. She simply took off in the direction of the library and hoped she could get there before a fire broke out.

Back at the library

Twilight had discovered a new hobby. It turns out the Taser so helpfully provided by the alternate Rainbow Dash had the curious ability to stop hearts when certain safety restrictions were carelessly removed. It also had the ability to restart a heart should it be sent into ventricular fibrillation. They were a conflicting yet wholly fortuitous polarization of potential.

The applications were endless, and smelled strongly of bacon.

“Hey Boss, you think we should stop her? I’m impressed and all, but this is starting to get creepy. I’m used to working with the insane, no offense, but this is a new one on me.”

“Pierce, you are completely and absolutely correct. You tell her.”

“…”

“She’s right over there, mate.”

“Naw, I’m good…”

In the skies above Ponyville

Rainbow smelled burning. Given the circumstances that was not a good sign and the mare double-timed it to the library. If she was fast enough maybe she could blow right past the building and snuff out any fires with her wake.

“Holy shit is that a Nyan Cat!?” Pierce pointed wildly into the sky at a rapidly approaching blob of color followed by a rainbow contrail.

“That’s what I said! What’d I tell ya, Sparkle. You owe me twenty bits!”

“I agreed to no such bet and for the last time that is not a ‘nyan cat’, whatever that is. It’s a pony! Now if you’ll stop interrupting me I’m busy… CLEAR!” *bzzt!*

The beleaguered pony at Twilight’s hooves twitched in agony once more as he regained consciousness. He was aware of very little at this point other than ominous laughter of a certain unicorn. He could have sworn he heard somepony saying ‘it’s alive… it’s aliiiive’ at some point… He wasn’t sure anymore.

As Rainbow Dash blasted past the tree that served as the town’s library she saw no evidence of a fire, but plenty of signs of violence. Twilight herself was pounding on the chest of a very large pony she immediately recognized as Brotherhood bruiser. She seemed to be very happy and yelling something about him being alive.

That is so Twilight… Such a peaceful pony she even takes mercy on the enemy. It seemed very optimistic to RD but she didn’t really mind. Frankly it’d be kinda scary if her friend ever succumbed to her hatred. Might be best to encourage her for saving that creep’s life with... What the hay was she using anyway?

“Hey Twilight! Nice work reviving that guy! But I gotta ask, that in the hay is that thing!?”

Twilight was about to reapply the electrodes for at least a couple more zaps before her storm cloud was depleted but the sudden appearance of her friend snapped the frazzled unicorn back into reality. She wasn’t sure what she was smelling but it horrified her. She gave a panicked look to the humans who had wandered back inside the library, her eyes seemed to be pleading ‘please don’t mention what you just saw’. The one who appeared to be the leader of the group nodded silently and left the mare to her own devices for the moment. He needed to confer with his friends, apparently, as he ushered them deeper inside the library.

Twilight smiled nervously at her winged friend hovering overhead but rallied her courage. She concluded the best course of action would be to lie her ass off. “Rainbow! Good to see you! This is a device known as a Taser. Found it in some old dusty books, figured I’d give it a try. Packs a heck of a wallop! Really neat huh?”

“Yeah… neat. So why's the bruiser bleeding, and why is that other thug not moving?”

“Long story… Listen, uh, you know any good places to hide a body? Hypothetically speaking.”

“…Should I be worried?”

“Yeah probably... I found some help for our gang problem but they got just a tiny bit carried away. Good news! I am no longer the Brotherhood’s bean-counter! Bad news, I am most likely on a hit list now. Good news! I have bodyguards now. Bad news, I was only expecting one and I have four of them on my hooves… Good news! They all seem to be very professional. Bad news! Only mostly and at least one is completely insane. Good news! I think I like insane...”

Rainbow hovered over her friend in confused silence. She was officially worried for the mental health of the purple one and had a sinking suspicion it would be wise to maintain a safe distance from her. Something in the back of RD’s mind was mentioning something about a blast radius or whatever.

Twilight didn’t even notice and continued right along. “So with that in mind I was wondering… Do you know where I can get some alcohol? Normally I’d be vehemently opposed to such things but I figured, oh what the hay. I am so screwed right now!”

“…Ya… You kinda are. Your bodyguards, they won’t do something like this again will they?”

“No! No absolutely not.” Lying felt bad but the hole she had dug for herself hit rock bottom long ago. She needed her friends on her side, and she needed her humans to be trusted. She would just have to avoid Applejack all day. “They got carried away today but I made them promise to tone it down from now on. 'Less than lethal' whenever possible!”

Pierce was leaning next to the door listening to the conversation outside. At the mention of ‘less than lethal’ he knew they had a problem. He snuck back to the side room where his friends were gathered about the green crate that had come with them. “Yo guys! Ex-nay on the incendiary round-eh!”

“What? You’re shitting me.” The female of the group was lovingly holding, almost caressing, a box of SMG ammunition very clearly labeled with skull and crossbones over an open flame. “I like, just got these last week.”

“Our contact outside just mentioned something about less than lethal. Tone down your game, girl. Not like a bunch of ponies are gonna put up much of a fight anyway.”

“It’s still bullshit!”

Rainbow was less than convinced. “So uhh… Where did you find these guys again? Last I checked you were still a shut-in. You find them in a bucking classified ad or something?”

“Not exactly… How about I just introduce them? Yeah that’s a great idea! It’ll be like ripping the Band-Aid off. May as well get it over with right? But seriously where can I score some alcohol?”

Rainbow raised her hoof as she prepared to begin her next statement but abruptly stopped. If her mouth wasn’t already open from her aborted speech it would have opened of its own accord after she saw what was passing through the doorway of the library.

Twilight noticed the look on RD’s face. She didn’t even bother looking behind herself before calmly explaining. “And those would be my newest friends. Rainbow Dash, I’d like you to meet the humans!”

All four walked with supreme confidence. They seemed to not notice, or care about, the fact that a small crowd was gathering around the library in response to the recent commotion. The lead human carried a device that entirely foreign to the ponies, but to those familiar it was unmistakably a double-barreled Grave-Digger shotgun. Grey steel barrels held in place by an ornate gold trim and body with a similarly gold Fleur-de-Lis decorating the handle. The wooden stock and pump looked well-worn yet lovingly maintained, its every surface conforming perfectly to the only hands to have ever, or will ever, use it. The way the man carried it cemented the fact that this weapon was not just a tool, but a treasured friend as well.

He seemed to be dripping in cool confidence and professionalism. It seemed as if his every word and movement would be calculated and worthy attention. As he prepared to speak Rainbow found herself clearing her mind and focusing in preparation for the important message that was sure to follow…

“Oi, wassup.”

Ok maybe not so much…

“You can call me the Boss, luv. Real name’s not important, don’t ask. The bloke next to me is Pierce Washington.”

The dark skinned man to the lead’s right walked with a swagger that matched his much more elaborate style of dress. He wore a gleaming white suit, pressed and tailored to perfection, and a rich purple shirt underneath with the topmost buttons undone. Around his neck hung a thick gold chain carrying a fleur-de-lis pendant. His weapon of choice was a relatively modest .45 Shepard. The gleaming silver steel of the pistol, however, drew just as much attention as the man himself did. It virtually exuded elegance in his hands.

“Yeah, pleasure to meet you too Skittles.”

“And the lass to me left is Shaundi.”

The lone female of the group walked in such a way that her hips swayed with each step. She wore a purple tube top under a cropped black leather jacket. Skin-tight purple pants and calf high boots completed the look of a woman who knew what she had and wasn’t afraid to flaunt it. Or was a whore, RD wasn’t sure just yet. Her weapon was a very basic TEK Z-10 submachine gun. Unlike the previous two this did not bear any signs of personalization or even much love. It was just the latest in a long line of brief flings and one night stands. Maybe she had commitment issues? Never satisfied with what she had.. The caliber was always bigger on the other side of the fence for this one, it seemed…

“Hey, how’s it going?” She sounded indifferent, though her eyes betrayed her intense curiosity for the strange surroundings and creatures before her.

“And the lug behind me would be Oleg Kirrlov. We assume he’s human anyway. I always theorized he was, in fact, a very cleverly disguised bear.”

Bear would be a very fitting description for the mountain that dared to wear a sport coat. It was not as gleamingly white as Pierce’s but it was well made none the less. Underneath he wore a purple turtleneck shirt and dark grey trousers. His black boots were large enough that they seemed more at home crushing the hopes and dreams of little fillies, followed by the actual fillies. He carried no weapons of his own, though it was plain to see why. His giant hands looked like they could crush a skull with almost no effort at all, a firearm would just be superfluous. All together he was a terrifying sight to behold, though his facial expression was gentle and actively tried to be comforting.

“I am honored to make your acquaintance, miss. I look forward to exploring each other’s cultures in greater detail, if you would accept me. Perhaps we can share tea together sometime, yes?” The man’s booming voice and thick Russian accent made the gentle and diplomatic words seem almost comical. Though it did manage to break the ice for Rainbow, if for all the wrong reasons.

The leader smiled and held back a laugh at Oleg’s forward nature. “And together… we are what’s left of the Third Street Saints. Now if you’ll excuse me I think it would be wise if we continued this conversation while walking.”

Twilight and Rainbow both stopped gawking at the collection of Saints and focused solely on the Boss. Twi was the first to speak. “Walking? Ok, sure. May I ask why? We have more than enough books here in the library to get you better acquainted with Equestria. And, no offense, but you may cause a panic in town.” The unicorn swept her eyes across the still growing crowd massing around the library. Word was spreading fast through the well-oiled machine that was Ponyville’s rumor mill. “Besides there may be more Brotherhood in the streets. I’m not sure I want another confrontation today."

“Hah! If you wanted to avoid fisticuffs you wouldn’t have hired us, luv! And I’m counting on Brotherhood mooks finding us. I’d just rather we kept the initiative in the matter.”

“My employer is correct Miss Sparkle. We have very clearly sent a message of war direct to their leadership. If my time in Steelport has taught me nothing else, it is that retaliation will be swift and decisive.” As if to emphasize his warning Kirrlov began cracking his knuckles in preparation for action.

“Roight, what he said. And we can get much better acquainted with the town by having a look for ourselves. If we’re going to working this berg over we need to get started fast. We have no connections, no support, and no backup on the way. We need to get ourselves dug in right quick. We survey, fend off the Brotherhood response, and figure out or next move. Sound good?”

Rainbow was about to protest the idea of dragging a firefight to the streets of Ponyville but her words were doomed before they even formed. A trio of ponies had suddenly and mysteriously formed directly behind the poor unsuspecting mare.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ALIEN TOUR GUIDES, YAY!"

“Oh sweet Celestia that was loud…” Rainbow collapsed on the ground and curled herself into the fetal position. The lungs on those fillies were weapons in and of themselves. Twilight did not fare much better. She remained on her hooves but she was frozen in a state of shock.

The leader of the Saints saw no reason to wait for their recovery and inevitable protest…

“Well then, lead of lass. Hit the highlights!”

Chapter 3: Walkabout

Chapter 3: Walkabout

“Out of the way, clear a path ya blighters! Ain’t you ever seen an alien on a mission before!?”

The three fillies known collectively as the Cutie Mark Crusaders and the quartet of humans known as the Saints struggled to make their way through a gaggle of assorted townsfolk gathered around the library. Most were ready and eager to make a path for the group, but the concentration of ponies made it difficult to part the cluster.

The orange pegasus filly called Scootaloo hardly noticed, however. Her blue scooter towing a bright red wagon holding her two closest friends cared not for the plight of other ponies. She plowed ahead, her wings furiously buzzing as her humans shouldered their way past the crowd.

Scoots, for all her excitement, did actually have a destination in mind. If these strangers really were that new to Ponyville, even Equestria itself, then there was only one place they needed to stop to get a better lay of the land. Sugarcube Corner! It was almost exactly in the center of town and held the single most connected pony in all of Ponyville, aside from Iron Hart but he didn’t count.

“The hell does this kid eat anyway!? Red Bull and sugar bombs?”

“Oh poor baby has to run for something for once. Cry me a river, Pierce, you can keep up!”

“Shaundi, how are you running in those heels anyway? I know that can’t be comfortable.”

“How do you run with those panties riding up on you? It must hurt!”

“Oh that’s just uncalled for…”

“Hey Mr. Cake? You ok? You look funny. Oh! Did you hear a funny joke!? Can I hear it? I love jokes!”

“It’s not that Pinkie, just a feeling of dread is all… Is your Pinkie Sense going off at all?”

“Actually it’s been going craaaaazy all day for some reason. Lots of falling objects and a couple doozies, and somepony really should watch out for a door at some point, and something about a wandering testicle. What’s that about?”

As the most mismatched group of all time approached the famed Sugarcube Corner only one phrase wandered through the minds of the humans.

”Is that a fucking gingerbread house?”

Apple Bloom, having apparently taken up mind reading, explained. “It ain’t actually gingerbread, but they sure did a real nice job makin’ it look like it huh? Y’all can come inside, you have to meet Pinkie Pie!”

The Boss surveyed his surroundings. Wooden homes all around, thatched roofs, civvies galore, and an elaborate and beloved bakery. Not ideal for a firefight. “How about we meet outside the bakery… What was your name again?”

“Apple Bloom! Oh shoot, how'd I forget to even introduce myself, sorry!… My friends here are Sweetie Bell and Scootaloo. “

“Hi!”

“Hey!”

“Charmed. Oi, you three, cover the building. I’m going to say hello.” He raised his hand to his human companions and gave a series of signals.

“Why can’t you all come inside?” Sweetie Bell looked slightly dejected.

Years in the business have honed the Boss’ BSing skills to a fine point. “Oleg here has issues with doors that are two sizes too small for him. Wouldn’t be fair to him if we all went inside and he had to wait.”

“This is true little ponies. I can manage but it is terribly inconvenient to crouch and crawl simply to say hello. Perhaps if we were to linger I might oblige, but today we only ‘touch and go’ as you say.”

“Right, that. Let’s make this fast.”

Pierce gave a mock salute and trained his eyes on the horizon. “We got your back boss.”

As the Boss approached the door he could only think it was a shame they didn’t have the luxury of staying longer. The smell coming from the ovens here was heavenly. A cupca-crack! oh so that’s what a door to the face feels like. Good to know…

“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! How can I hel-oh hi Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie! Where did the other voice go? I could have sworn there was somepony else out here. OH! Is it hide-and-seek? I LOVE that game! Ok onetwothree GO!”

As the door to the bakery slowly closed itself in the sudden absence of a certain pink pony the Boss had several things on his mind.

A: Never give that pink thing caffeine.

B: Doors to the face are quite painful, that has not changed.

C: Ponies are all nutters.

He liked nutters…

“Roight, new plan gents. Oleg, get us some cupcakes. Rest of you, spread and search. Wrangle us a pony, yeehaw!”

At a recently constructed and luxurious penthouse near the road between Canterlot and Ponyville

Slick was having the worst day of his life. If he hadn’t saved up a LOT of brownie points with the boss he’d be dead by now. As it was he probably would have preferred the swift death of his employer. Instead he had been tasked with rounding up a crew and showing those posers what it meant to buck with the Brotherhood.

Sure he had no doubts they would be successful, but how many balls would be lost in the process? He was quite fond of Righty…

“How in the hell did Pinkie get in the school house bell?”

Pierce and Sweetie Bell stood dumbfounded just outside the town’s school. When the Boss sets his mind to finding something nothing, but nothing, will stand in his way. Executing elaborate parkour maneuvers through the quiet village and scaling the school just to ‘make sure’ was petty compared to the good ol’ days.

“HAH! Found ya you little blighter! No one hides from a Saint for long!”

“Wowie that was fast! Normally not even Rainbow Dash can find me that fast, and she can fly! What’s your secret?”

“Luv, a magician never reveals his tricks. But I am willing to trade…”

“Oh oh! I love trades! I can trade mfmfmble-“

The Boss was extremely quick to stop a potential nonsensical rant before it could even begin. He had a sixth, possibly a seventh, sense about these things. “Information for information will do just fine, mate. We’re very new and we’re needing to know the lay of the land and who we can trust. More importantly, who hates the Brotherhood even more than we do. Think you can manage that?”

“Absopositivolutely! I know everypony in Ponyville! You need to talk to Applejack! If there’s anypony who has it in for those meanie-pants it’s AJ. Did you know they steal her apples? How awful it must be! Those apples are her life. It’d be like… like... Someone stealing all my cupcakes! Or my balloons! gasp! What if they stole my balloons!?”

“I’m sure you’d be devastated. Hows about you tell me how to find this Applejack fellow and we’ll get your balloons back.”

“Gosh you sure are helpful! I think she’s at Rarity’s boutique right now. Catching up with Rare and Shy or something like that. I forget!”

“Lovely… Be right back then!”

On the streets on Ponyville leading to the Carousel Boutique

“Seriously, she’s named after a drink?”

“That’s what she said, mate. I’m just reporting the facts.”

The quartet of Saints and trio of Crusaders were once again traversing the city, though at a much slower pace this time. All were munching on a box of cupcakes Oleg had procured from the Cakes. No one was sure how he paid for them and Oleg insisted it would be to their mutual benefit if he did not elaborate. It was probably nothing…

It was worth noting that the group had attracted quite the following, consisting of almost half the entire population of Ponyville. Curious townsfolk lined the side streets trying to catch a glimpse of the strange new creatures visiting their fair village. Pegasi lined the clouds above acting as shadows. Figuratively and literally, as the airborne ponies flocked in such density as to create a lovely patch of shade for the travelers.

For anypony else this would be a source of great distress or curiosity as they were mobbed by less than discreet attention. For the three oblivious fillies and four jaded humans, however, not a single fuck was given on this day.

They arrived at their destination in very short time. Shockingly the shortcuts suggested by Scootaloo actually worked. Leave it to a ground-bound pegasus to find the path of least resistance. The Carousel Boutique itself was, rather appropriately, fashioned to look like a very elaborate carousel. The Saints had to use all the willpower developed over their long and difficult lives to restrain their amusement. Seriously, wtf man? A carousel?

Inside the boutique itself

“And that’s why I think Twilight is secretly afraid of me…”

“Well it’s not every day you see a pony make a bear writhe in agony. I reckon Ah’d be mighty intimidated too, Shy.”

“But it wasn’t agony! It was a massage I swear.”

“Dear you know what she means. For all Twilight probably saw she simply thinks you were assaulted by that bear and you defended yourself. In a manner that makes me very strongly consider suggesting you add either ‘masseuse’ or ‘assassin’ to your resume.”

“Oh goodness…”

Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity all sat around a table in the boutique’s kitchen. It had been a very long while since any of them had a chance to sit down and simply enjoy each other’s company. Fluttershy had become something of a hermit in the weeks following the introduction of the Brotherhood. The soft spoken pegasus never was terribly good around crowds. But when those crowds became violent and likely to ‘recruit’ a pony they saw as useful, and savagely beat any non-earth pony that wasn’t, it became nearly impossible to coax the mare out of hiding.

Meanwhile, brave Applejack had been seen as useful and was rather forcefully ‘recruited’ into the gang’s operations. Sweet Apple Acres was once a friendly and welcoming place for all ponies. Now it was barred to public access to prevent rivals from sabotaging their newly founded distilleries. All that open space well hidden from prying eyes made it perfect for manufacturing illicit goods away from the prying eyes of authority.

And lastly Rarity... In the wake of the violence her shop had fallen on hard times. No pony of fashion would dare to come near Ponyville after the rise of faction based discrimination. Most of her high profile, and thus high paying, clients were the unicorns of Canterlot. It would make every bit of sense for Rarity to abandon Ponyville and head for the hills of the gleaming white city of royalty, but she had drawn inspiration from Rainbow’s decision to stay and made a loyal stand. She still risked violence, but she had her priorities.

Priorities that were quite rudely interrupted by a sharp knocking at her door… Who the hay could that be?

Moments earlier…

The Boss stood before the door to the boutique with his fist raised, ready to knock. Something in the back of his mind set off a warning bell, however. “Hey Pierce!”

“Yeah Boss, got your back.”

“You remember the last time we took a tour of a new city?”

“Steelport? Sure that was fun. Tricked out our ride, got some new threads. Oh wow déjà vu. Replace Rim Jobs for Cupcake Corner and we’re doing it all over again.”

“Right, and do you remember what happened after we visited the clothing store?”

“We got assaulted by a freak of nature who could punch cars and a mob of thugs with guns… Oh, I hear ya.”

“Fan out and defend. Paranoia pays off in my line of work. You fillies had best get some distance.”

“But I practically live here! Rarity is my sister.” The marshmallow of a unicorn protested very cutely as her friends refused to leave her side. The Crusaders got the hint that they may not be safe anymore, but ‘good ideas’ and ‘safety precautions’ was not part of the Crusading MO.

“Okaaay then. Soon as the door’s open you three get inside and hide with your sis’. Got it?”

All three fillies beamed wide smiles as they got their way. If a fight was going to break out they wanted front row seats to see what the aliens could do! They gave a mock salute and said in unison. “We promise to stay out of your way mister The Boss!”

“…cute.” The Boss swept the area with his eyes once more to make sure his crew was in position. Pierce and Shaundi were out of sight, which was good, and Oleg took up position on the street leading to town center. If anyone, or rather anypony, tried approaching they would not do so unnoticed.

The Boss knocked on the door and steeled himself for the worst. If this were a video game that damn door was the invisible trigger that spawned at least two, maybe three, waves of bad guys. His trusty shotgun was hidden under his coat but remained ready for action the moment it was required. Fortunately for the fillies in his company the door was answered before their message to the Brotherhood was.

“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! Where everything is chic, magnifique, and-oh sweet Celestia what are you!?” The purple maned unicorn was not very subtle in her surprise. Normally shivering and backing away slowly was reserved for Fluttershy, but the fashionista had never seen a creature quite like this one. Her shock was soon interrupted as an orange mare wearing a Stetson hat barreled past her to confront whatever threat may have waited beyond the door.

“What the hay’s got you spooked Rare? Lemme past! Is it one of them Brother – oh sweet Celestia what the hay is that thing…”

The Boss noticed a pattern. He was not convinced he liked it.

The Crusaders broke the cycle of shock and awe before it could go on much longer, and once again spoke in unison. “Hi Rarity, hi Applejack! Can we come inside, thanks bye!” And did not bother waiting for a response before darting past the speechless mares, not even bothering to acknowledge a Fluttershy cowering in a corner. They needed to find the best window with a view, and fast!

Human and earth pony stared at each other in silence for a moment, neither wanting to make the first move when they were sure the other was almost certainly full of violent intentions towards the unknown other. Neither had the chance to break the silence themselves as a voice called from the skies. “It’s called a human, ask Twilight!”

Both mare and human looked up and noticed a rainbow maned pegasus descending rapidly. She looked out of breath as she spoke. “YOU! Are very hard to find. How the hay is something like you so hard to find in this town!? And the rumor mill around here, sucks. Not a single pony could give me or Twilight decent directions. NOT ONE! How sad is that?”

“Wait wait wait… wait. You said ‘ask Twilight’? Oh heavens to Betsy she’s gone and done something stupid hasn’t she?”

“Define stupid, luv. Stupid as in reckless, or stupid as in recruited a friend with far more awesome than she could ever hope to contain?”

Applejack deadpanned, Rainbow smiled. “I like this guy… Can we keep him?”

“Already claimed, Skittles. Ask the purple one if you’d like a loaner.”

Applejack did not like the way this conversation was going. She had two speechless and terrified friends behind her and she WAS going to get to the bottom of it. “That’s all well and good mister, but what in the HAY are you doing here?”

“Looking for you, actually. I hear you have something of a grudge against the Brotherhood. I like that… Oh and also some new clothes might be nice. Only have the one set on me back, might start to get a bit ripe if we’re here too long.”

Rarity perked up faster than anypony thought should be possible at the mention of clothing. “Now that I can help with! And may I say, such a lovely shade of purple you’re wearing.”

“You like purple too? Fantastic! You and I are going to get along famously, luv.”

If the feeling of dread had physical weight, Slick would have been crushed under it. He was flanked by as many dumb muscle ponies as he could find and an additional Bruiser he bribed with a bottle of whisky. He wasn’t sure what those guys ate but they seemed to be fueled by booze and stupid.

The boutique was in sight, it had taken ages to find a pony that had actually seen where the Saints were heading. Now was the time for adrenaline to take over for rational thinking.. All he had to do was show up and stab something, how hard could it be?

*click*

“Aw horse apples…”

*BANG*

The pony next to Slick collapsed in pain, blood from his right leg exploded across the street and gave Slick a new shade of red in his coat. He was no stranger to firearms, but he could have sworn only the Griffons had guns that accurate…

Time seemed to move in slow motion for Applejack. A loud noise had come from somewhere behind the building and now the human was darting towards it while pulling out a metal tube from his coat. All she knew was a fight was going to break out, she could feel it in her bones. She barely even noticed that Twilight had also arrived and was being followed by a second human that more closely resembled a bald bear of some sort.

This fight had gone south quickly. First they get ambushed by gunfire and now a crazy pink pony popped out of a bush that was entirely too small to actually contain a pony of any size and was busy assaulting his men with pastries. For delicious cupcakes they sure could send a pony flying…

But that was petty compared to what came next. The Saints revealed themselves in full force as all four charged with reckless abandon. Or maybe not so reckless… They were joined on all sides by five mares Slick instantly knew to be Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Fluttershy. All five plus the pink pony were very high on his list of ‘ponies of interest’. All six were known as the saviors of Equestria not just once, but twice. He knew if they all had the motivation to fight on this day, he was bucked.

But maybe he could get a promotion if he took out the purple one…

Twilight had never been in a fight this big before. AJ and RD seemed to be right at home as they met the line of Brotherhood head-on. But then she knew what she needed to do. A Bruiser appeared and charged straight for the female Saint. Shaundi was already occupied beating the stuffing out of a common thug and would not see the blow come. Twilight had no hope of stopping the brute outright, but telekinesis could be just as useful in deflecting large moving masses.

As lavender light filled her horn and enveloped the Bruiser her concentration was devoted entirely to this task. He was big, heavy, and moving very quickly. Every single ounce of her will was directed towards subverting the brute’s attack…

The Boss admired his crew’s efficiency at joining a good fight. He was actually at something of a loss. He had no decent targets for once. He knew it would be unwise to simply open fire when he still needed to gain the trust of his future crew. But he was not at a loss for long as he met Oleg’s eyes. They had rehearsed for just such an occasion countless times but never had an opportunity to employ this particular maneuver.

Oleg wasted no time in grabbing the Boss by the waist and hoisted him above his head. He drew back his arm while his comrade did his best impression of a javelin, for that was exactly what he was about to become.

All he needed now was a target. The yellow pegasus was the obvious choice as he had noticed her extreme reluctance to join the fray, but he was badly mistaken. The mare was already surrounded by unconscious thugs somehow. Even now she held one more in a choke-hold as he gasped for breath in a desperate struggle. Oleg smiled inside. It was always the quiet ones you needed to watch for.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were out of the question. The pair had rapidly developed into a well-tuned fighting machine. Pegasus set them up, earth knocked them down. Their foes never stood a chance. It was only a shame they were not aiming for the testicles. His employer would have greatly appreciated that.

The white and purple maned unicorn seemed to be faring well, though she only dared to engage one at a time. The fashion conscious mare had drawn a long elegant knife from somewhere. Her magic effortlessly sent the deadly blade in a beautiful dance through the air as a desperate Brother panicked at the sight. Oleg was sure the unfortunate stallion would not soon have the same number of orifices.

Shaundi had proven herself to be a rather single-minded yet ruthless hand-to-hand fighter. Nopony dared to interrupt her vicious beatdown. Oleg was certain that particular stallion would be restricted to a liquid diet for sometime.

Pierce, meanwhile... Well who gave a fuck about Pierce?

It was then that he laid eyes on Twilight Sparkle. The bookish unicorn had effortlessly disabled a Bruiser with her powerful magic, but it left her distracted. A Brother carrying a blade had managed to sneak behind the librarian and had reared upon his hind legs to deliver a devastating blow with his knife. Two things immediately occurred to Oleg…

One: He had little time to throw his Boss and disable the would-be assassin.

Two: He was reared up on his legs and left his genitals exposed to attack…

Oleg was pleased to note his employer came to the same conclusion as he soared through the air. He flew surprisingly well for a psychopathic murderer.

The Boss, meanwhile, thought this fight had a very uneven ratio of balls to shotgun butts. And he was just the man to solve that…

Meanwhile at Sweet Apple Acres

Granny Smith was annoyed. Now was not a good time for a break. “Macintosh! What’s all this now, Ah thought I raised ya better. Why you crossing your legs like that!?”

“It’s nothing Granny. Just… Just a sympathy pain is all.” The ordinarily infallible stallion had doubled over in phantom pain. He wasn’t sure where it came from, but he knew what it meant. “It’s not something y’all mares would understand, ya see…”

“Oh that felt good! Anyone else want to take on the Nutcracker?!” The Boss was ecstatic as he held his shotgun aloft, a spatter of blood decorated the handle. Slick lay crumpled in a head at his feet, tears readily flowing from his eyes.

Righty had not survived the encounter.

Not a single conscious male was not sharing his pain at that moment. They were ready to turn tail and flee after seeing that display. The Nutcracker, however, had not finished.

It was a well-rehearsed move. He had been practicing it in his head ever since he arrived. Quadrupeds provided an unexpected obstacle in his campaign to crush grapes. It was much more difficult to access their underside when facing their front. He solved that by making his traditional shotgun spin a one-two punch.

He turned to the nearest stallion and smacked him right in the jaw with the barrel of his gun on an upward swing. The force of the blow sent the Brother reeling as his front end moved skyward. Meanwhile the shotgun twirled once and was repositioned so the Boss held it by the barrel, the handle was left pointing to the sky. In one fluid motion he swung the butt of his beloved Nutcracker in a wide backward swing.

If one listened closely enough, one could hear the sound of a balloon popping as the butt of that shotgun connected with pelvis.

…The boss turned to the next nearest stallion. He smiled…

Meanwhile in Cloudsdale

“Hey Soarin’, you ok? You don’t look so hot. And why are your legs crossed like that?”

“It’s as if millions of sperm cells suddenly cried out, and were silenced…”

“What in the hay are you going on about?”

“Don’t worry about it Spitfire… Not something a mare would understand.”

In the span of five minutes there were a grand total of six testicles left intact. Those belonged to Pierce Washington, Oleg Kirrlov, and the Boss himself.

It was a good day to be a Saint…

Walkabout: Mission complete!

New Crib Unlocked: TREEHOUSE LIBRARY

New Crib Unlocked: CAROUSEL BOUTIQUE

Respect Earned: Level 2

Chapter 4: Impressions and Concessions

Chapter 4: Impressions and Concessions

Celestia had the plan, Luna had the will. All they needed was their champion. The monarch of the sun wanted to appoint her best royal guards to the case while allowing their selected champion to hold the reigns. The monarch of the moon wanted to give their champion absolute autonomy. And both had their own list of candidates for the position. A tie breaker was needed…

They needed somepony of absolute objectivity. They needed a pony with a fresh outside perspective and worm’s eye view of the situation. They needed a pony they both could trust absolutely. A pony they could count on to remain rational and level headed no matter what, as to ensure the best possible choice for all of Equestria.

They needed to talk to Twilight Sparkle…

“Was that really necessary!?” Rarity was not taking the outburst of violence very well. Four of her best friends and four blood stained creatures stood knee deep in a pile of unconscious Brotherhood. The frazzled fashionista looked to her fellow unicorn for assistance. She could always count on Twilight to know what to do.

“That… was absolutely uncalled for, excessive in all the worst ways possible, and absolutely abhorrent!”

“See, Twilight agr-“

“It also rocked absolutely!”

“…”

Rarity face-hoofed. This was going to be a long day.

Princesses Celestia and Luna patiently waited inside the library that Twilight called home. This would be a sudden and unsettling surprise for the poor student, but it was a necessary one. The faster the sisters moved to stem the flow of corruption the fewer ponies would fall to its influence.

Spike, having been abandoned in the library after Twilight’s abrupt venture into town, did his best to act as royal attendant. Tea had never been served fancier than this. His pinkie was raised and everything as he poured it.

One thing troubled Luna, however…

“Do you smell bacon?”

“What’s bacon?”

“I have no idea…”

The Crusaders had practically burst out of the boutique when the fight was over, still holding popcorn. Scootaloo was bursting at the seams with excitement after seeing her idol, Rainbow Dash, in combat and seemed eager to copy some of the moves she witnessed. Applebloom was busy plotting world domination with an automated jimmy-kicker device she had started drafting in her head. And Sweetie Bell had discovered the secret for allowing anypony to sing soprano.

Oleg had somehow managed to get Rarity to calm down. The pair was sitting on a bench near the boutique and talked quietly. That they had to step over the bodies of silently bleeding and mostly unconscious or half-dead Brotherhood was a testament to the Russian’s silver tongue. Shaundi, meanwhile, had taken a liking to Pinkie Pie and busily picked her brain for information. If anyone on this crew was good at forming new connections it was Shaundi. The Boss kicked himself for not remembering this sooner. It would probably be a good idea to just let Shaundi loose on Equestria for a few days and let her work the magic of friendship, or something.

The crowd of ponies that had followed them through the city was now gathered and gawking at the aftermath of their confrontation. Pierce loved every single moment of it… He truly was a showman as he walked up and down the line of ponies shaking hooves, smiling, introducing himself, and signing anything he could get his hands on. Nopony knew who or what the hay he was, but after the display of strength from the Saints they all knew it was a good idea to get in on the action while it was hot.

Now if only they had had some merch to sell…

Things were going well, all considered. Twilight and the Boss sat together watching the reactions of the crowd and of their respective friends. Both knew it was vital to their future that the groups work well together. Fortunately, both seemed to gravitate to each other.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack in particular had taken an instant liking to the Saints for their rough and tumble take on scumbags. Fluttershy, who had apparently been harboring a secret bloodlust, relished the company of those who understood. Pinkie Pie was worrying, but only because the Boss wasn’t sure she actually comprehended the gravity of the situation… Few cards shy of a full deck, that one.

Lethality still made the mares nervous, but the Boss was sure he could warm up all six to the idea eventually. Testicular assaults were all well and good, but he knew the Brotherhood would get wise to their antics eventually. But nothing made a thug question his loyalties quite like hot lead.

Confident that their comrades would be receptive to cooperation both Twilight and the Boss met each other’s eyes and knew what the other was thinking. It was time for a private meeting between their respective groups. They fought side-by-side well today, but they were not yet a united team.

Twilight spoke first. “Ladies! I think it’s time we got to know our new friends a bit better. How about we all meet at the library?”

“What she said. Lads, we need a pow-wow. We sent a powerful message today... Do not fuck with the Saints! But we need to back that up. I hate to admit it but the Saints are currently the four of us. These ladies in front of us are not only the enemies of our enemies, they are the entire reason we’re in this bloody world. I think it’s time we get acquainted, and rebuilt the Saints. Starting right here!”

“Hell yeah!” Pierce fist pumped before turning to the crowd. As a professional showman he saw an opportunity for a little self-promotion. “Third Street Saints are here to stay! Brotherhood’s been stepping on the wrong ponies for too long. Time to step on some Brothers ourselves, you with me!?”

The assembled crowd was already pumped up by the excitement of the day, but the suggestion of taking the fight to the Brotherhood themselves sent them over the edge. Cheers went up and hooves stomped the ground in appreciation of the Saint’s rallying cry. Several ponies in the group seemed to already be making plans to draw blood next time they were confronted by a Brother.

The Boss took the spotlight back before anyone could get too far ahead of themselves. “Right, right… But first things first! We need a plan. Everypony meet up in the town square tomorrow afternoon for instructions! Twilight and I need to exchange ideas to organize you lot. Until we have a response keep yer heads down. We do this right, not by rioting.”

He turned to Twilight, confident that their words had inspired confidence. “Lead on, luv.”

Back in the library

Twilight was terrified. Her mentor, and the ruler of all of Equestria, was sitting in her living room. There was a Brother who was dead and a Brother who wished he was dead still sitting just outside the door. She had illegally summoned four incredibly dangerous creatures from the abyss and used them to start a brawl in the middle of town. She had participated in the aforementioned brawl rather than use her words as Celestia herself had trained Twilight to do.

And also she really needed to find a good spot to hide bodies… And find out what that smell was.

“Hello Twilight... We need to talk.” Celestia looked grim.

“Do you know what bacon is?” Luna asked. She looked peppy and curious.

“Not a clue…” Twilight looked deranged.

Luna shrugged. “Drat, oh well. On with business. Gangs, we has them. Need some ideas, have some ideas. Care to trade?” The monarch of the moon smiled warmly in anticipation of Twilight's response. Even her wide, friendly, eyes seemed to invite the unicorn to sit and have a friendly chat. Luna was a very forward pony... Whatever awkwardness she may have had during that ill-fated Nightmare Night seems to have been replaced by a totally new brand of awkward. It was unsettling and Twilight was, for the umpteenth time today, at a loss for words.

The leader of the Saints was not.

“Oi, what’s the holdup? There’s only one door and one fat arse sitting right in the middle of it. You can continue your conversation inside!”

“New friend, Twilight?” Celestia looked very puzzled. Whoever this pony was he seemed very rude, and had the strangest accent. “Well the more the merrier. We are planning on involving all five of your friends. We may as well make it six.”

Had Twilight not already been riding an adrenaline rush from her prior engagement this would have been a wonderful time to void her bladder. Fortunately for her, adrenaline suppresses that ability. It was already bad enough that the unicorn’s capacity to make decisions had been completely and utterly obliterated.

The Boss made another decision for her. He abruptly squeezed the librarian around the middle, causing her to emit an adorable squeak, and carried her inside the library. With the door clear, humans and ponies began shuffling inside.

To everypony’s amazement neither Celestia nor Luna so much as batted an eye as they entered. Celestia wore a stoic poker face that betrayed nothing. Luna, meanwhile, simply looked as happy as she had when she first arrived. She was doing a wonderful job of channeling Pinkie Pie. It was almost creepy.

When all the guests had arrived in the now rather crowded library the Boss, yet again, broke the silence.

“Right… You seem like an important one. This yer boss, Sparkle?”

Twilight hadn’t moved an inch, and did not intend to do so.

“Mum?”

Still not moving.

“Fuck buddy?”

She twitched slightly… then tipped over and fell to the floor with another adorable squeak.

“Roight, well I’m going to stick with boss for now.” He stopped staring at the disabled librarian and turned to face the princess. “…Wassup?”

Celestia blinked. She knew it to be a human of some sort but she knew not where it had come from. She knew her loyal student had something to do with it, but feared the details would not be pleasant. The monarch’s already frayed nerves had hit something of a breaking point. Every single day Celestia had to bear witness to the suffering of her ponies and their accusatory glares. It was all her fault, after all. Equestria was her responsibility, and hers alone. It was her duty to prevent such happenings. It was her duty to expect the unexpected and react to it swiftly and effectively. She had failed on all counts. This meeting was to be her last hurrah. Her one last rally for sanity was right here in this library. Her final beacon of hope rested in her most prized treasure in all the world. Her ever faithful student Twilight Sparkle was not infallible, but the princess could always count on her protégé to be a beacon of hope for all of Equestria.

…And she had gone behind her back to break several very important laws. There was a corpse sitting on the doorstep and the building smelt of burnt flesh. A monster that dared to call itself human stood before her while carrying a concealed deadly weapon. The entire town had gone to hell and back and it took the Elements of Harmony with it.

She envied her sister at times like this. Luna was not expected to be the rock that the forces of nature could crash against fruitlessly. Luna could afford to roll with the punches and adapt however her intellect decided would be most efficient and enjoyable for all involved parties. She almost had to, given her mile-wide angry streak that no pony wanted to see again after Nightmare Night. As such, Luna had very deliberately positioned herself so that her duties rarely carried her to the public eye. If something disturbed that tranquility, she could afford to do whatever was necessary to correct it or simply cease to give a damn about it. Luna was a mother fucking honey badger.

…Celestia wasn’t. Her rock-like willpower had cracked, crumbled, and dissolved under the pressure of her collapsing kingdom.

“…Well fuck me sideways. I’m out! I’m done. Gone. Finished. Had it. It’s all yours Luna. Call me when you’re done. Peace out y’all!”

With a burst of golden light Princess Celestia was gone. Back to Canterlot to cry in a corner, most likely. This author recommends the bootleg moonshine Luna had been working on ever since she got back from the moon.

Luna barely batted an eye. “Curious… Anyway, we have an idea! I would like to appoint a champion with the ability to take the fight to the gangs themselves. Cripple their efforts, inspire the populace to resist their evil, and bring some gang bangers to swift justice! I have a list of candidates my sister and I compiled. Would you all care to have a look?” Luna paused for a moment after speaking and noticed everypony and everybody staring at her absolutely dumbfounded. She smiled both with her mouth and with her eyes once again, she emitted a sound like a squeaky toy. Had Wilford Brimley been present he would have diagnosed everyone in the room with diabeetus immediately.

We really need to figure out how those ponies squeak like that. It’s like weaponized cuteness right there.

Twilight, meanwhile, was mortified. The one pony she wanted to never disappoint, had been. But she hadn’t been banished, that was a good sign. Right? Maybe this could be salvaged. The Princess was just stressed is all. Tomorrow would be a new day and all would be well again!

Or maybe Celestia would never talk to Twilight ever again.

…Still not a problem! With the Farsighted-Mirror Twilight was sure there’d be a Celestia somewhere in the multiverse she could talk to! Would that seem creepy? Didn’t matter. None of it mattered! Everything is going to work out juuuust fine.

Twilight noticed everypony was staring at her. Luna was staring at her, even. She should probably do something… RIGHT! List. Let’s get on that.

The distressed librarian slowly approached the princess of the night and examined the scroll on a nearby desk. The list was good. Every name on that scroll Twilight recognized as a champion who had already sacrificed and proven themselves loyal and hardworking servants of Equestria. One in particular caught Twilight’s eye. He was a magnificent stallion she admired from a distance as a filly. A royal guard who had selflessly defended a traveling family from a rogue monster lurking in the forest.

They were heroes, every single one of them.

She looked back towards the humans she had summoned. They were terrible, they were violent, they were borderline sociopathic, and all willingly subscribed to a very special brand of insanity. They were in no way fit to be appointed to a position of such esteem.

“Princess Luna, I’ve made my decision…”

“So soon? How wonderful! You must have found a stand-out choice.”

“We need to hire the psychopath right behind me.”

…The Boss smiled. It was a good day to be a Saint.

Dear Celly,

I’ve conferred with Twilight Sparkle and company. We have come to an agreement. The humans collectively known as the Third Street Saints shall be appointed as heads of the newly formed Special Tactics Anti-Gang task force, or STAG. They requested the name themselves. I'm told it's something of an F-U, whatever that means. I like it, however.

They also request absolute autonomy, immunity from prosecution for actions deemed necessary to ensure the security of Equestria, and access to the royal guard and treasury to execute their plans of action.

Please send your response quickly. I’ve been informed Brotherhood activities have been escalating in recent days. If further violence is to be averted, action must begin soon.

Your loving sister,

Luna

Dearest Luna,

Take it. All of it. They can have it.

-Celestia

“Why does that letter smell of alcohol?” Twilight asked worriedly.

“Think nothing of it, Twilight. Celly must be unwinding.”

“Yeah? Let me see that.” Pierce grabbed the letter from the lavender unicorn and held it up to his nose as he took a deep breath. “…Is that… moonshine? Unwinding my ass! She’s getting hammered.”

“No comment.”

“You know where I can score some of that?”

“Later.”

Oleg and the Boss didn’t hear a word. A plan was rapidly forming and it needed to get underway quickly. They just needed a few things from the Princess before they could start.

“Ok! Step one in the grand master plan for world domi*cough* liberation. We need a headquarters.”

“Certainly, we could move you to Canterlot immediately, however, Ponyville is a much more central location. I would like to begin construction of a building that should suit your needs perfectly.”

“That’d take too long. I want the penthouse.”

“If I recall that building is already occupied. By the Brotherhood, in fact. I do not think they are likely to sell such prime real-estate to the enemy.”

“Then we just have to clear them out first.”

“Building enough arrest warrants to empty such a major operation would take months! Are you sure you don’t want to just start building your own? Clearing that penthouse alone will be a major undertaking requiring our absolute dedication.”

The Boss was about to correct a rather severe misunderstanding of intent, but he was cut off by Oleg.

“We appreciate the sentiment, your Highness. However we do not wish to be a burden upon your already strained resources. It is our firm belief that the conquest of the Brotherhood stronghold will be swift and decisive. Such a devastating blow will surely demoralize our foes, and inspire your people to greatness in response.”

“Oh… Well that makes sense. I take it you would like to begin immediately?”

“Yes, we would. We would like to begin with reconnaissance of the structure. We would request a chariot to be drawn by our comrades Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy to carry my employer.”

“Are you certain you don’t want professional carriage drivers? We have many available.”

“I believe it would be best if our own people were involved. We must begin developing camaraderie and cooperation immediately, you understand.”

“Certainly! It shall be done. I must say such unorthodox tactics are rather… invigorating! It feels good to be doing something good for once.”

As Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy prepared the chariot that was to carry their new boss, an electric feeling began to pass through the entire group. It started to dawn on the six collected ponies that this was a turning point in their lives. This would be a joint operation planned by their Boss and Twilight, funded by the princess, and breaking ground in the fight for Ponyville.

They were official.

And they were Saints.

Something bothered Rainbow, however…

“You’re not actually going in just for a recon, are you?”

“God no, you crazy? I’m going to fuck their shit up, luv.”

Chapter 5: Planting Flags

Chapter 5: Planting Flags

It was a dark and stormy night…

They had bribed the weather team to make it so. All was perfect for the opening act of the Saints rise to power. The chariot towed by Rainbow and Fluttershy carried the Boss high above the Brotherhood penthouse. He was busy observing the structure through a set of high-powered binoculars and plotted silently.

The building was a lavish eyesore and blight for Ponyville. While most homes in this district were wooden with thatched roofs, this was beast of stone and iron. It stood as an oppressive grey monolith and symbol of Ponyville’s conquest, and at an impressive five stories tall it could house almost the entire gang at a time. It also served as an office and outfitting station for all Brotherhood activities in the surrounding region. As a happy coincidence of city planning it sat on the road separating Canterlot and Ponyville, thus making it a lovely lookout post to ward off rival gangs from the capital or from Cloudsdale. Ponyville may have been an earth pony city, but rivals were not above taking weaker cities and forcing differing factions to work for them.

The penthouse itself took up the entire fifth floor and was a marvel of glass and marble. Wide glass rooftop doors lead to an opulent living space. Lush carpet, imported wood furniture, expensive sculptures, and paintings were the norm for this example of debauchery. However, whoever was running this place apparently didn’t get the hint that the Saints were bad news for business. A party raged on without a care in the world. Senior Brothers and trusted collaborators enjoyed drinks, music, and the ‘company’ of less than virtuous mares within the opulent walls.

Just outside the doors was a rather large rooftop pool. Several ponies were busy trying to enjoy the water and fresh air before any rain started on the suddenly dreary night. It was a shame they never bothered to talk with the pegasi about it, or they would have learned that it was supposed to be a crystal clear sky. That’s what they get for dividing the factions…

His survey was cut short as his radio earpiece squawked to life. One had been provided to everypony when they discovered the ear buds fit equine ears surprisingly well. “*tshk* Applejack here, this thing workin’? Ground team is in place, Boss.” AJ’s announcement brought a smile to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. They were capable of towing the chariot, but they did not enjoy it much. The sooner their cargo was inserted on the roof, the sooner they could ditch the oppressive harnesses.

The ground team, led by AJ and Oleg, consisted of Rarity, Twilight, and Pierce. Pinkie and Shaundi had been hiding in nearby bushes for some time now as scouts. They would be backup team to support whichever branch of the assault needed propping up.

Unfortunately the ponies still weren’t too keen on the idea of the humans using firearms without restriction. Only one shot had been fired at their first brawl, and that was bad enough. However, the reassuring and curiously persuasive words of Oleg Kirrlov did warm them up to the idea considerably, and the day’s events further served to desensitize them. All except Rarity, who refused to come along until Shaundi had loosened her up with liquor. The Boss almost wanted to be on the ground team just so he could watch the drunken pony have at it…

But that had to wait. Their target was too important to mess this up. He was the lieutenant and personal friend of Iron Hart himself, and a mysterious pony that was never seen in public, but all knew his influence. It was this pony that personally guided operations in and around Ponyville, which meant he was directly responsible for ordering every single death and maiming. His office was located deep in that penthouse and would be well guarded.

Applejack in particular wanted his head on a pike.

“*tshk* Twilight here. What do you think, Boss?”

The leader of the Saints scanned the area one last time, searching for the perfect place to land and begin his assault. He did not have to wait long. There, lying on his back in a lounge chair on the roof, was a very familiar looking pony. He was busy icing his crotch as he tried to enjoy the music. A plan in place the Boss keyed the radio in his ear.

“I think some asshole is in my pool…”

This day could not possibly get any worse for Slick. He was less one testicle and his boss had not-so-subtly suggested that if Slick so much as sneezed without covering his muzzle, his body would never be found. The only reason Slick hadn’t already been buried was simply that the blame for the massive cock-up that was their day’s operations was spread around quite generously. His employer was just so baffled by the incompetence of his entire crew that he was left dumbstruck and dismissed the survivors without another word.

But Slick’s recollection of the day’s events was cut short as he stared into the inky void that was the sky. There appeared to be a speck of color moving across it very quickly… As he looked closer it appeared to be a chariot. His eyes were well trained for seeing fine details, a skill that came in handy for his line of work. He noticed the chariot was carrying a figure that wore a light brown detective’s coat and a purple turtleneck…

“Oh buck me…”

“Where do you need us to land?” Rainbow was getting antsy and wanted this done and over with soon.

“Wherever the hell you want, I’m jumping.”

“Ok… Wait, WHAT!?”

The Saint didn’t even wait for the ‘what’ before he hurled himself over the edge of the still-moving chariot. If he had the timing right, he would land on top of a random scrub, use his forward momentum to force the bloke into a slide, then leap off and land right on top of the blighter that he could have sworn should be dead by now… A perfect plan where nothing could possibly go wrong.

There are times when a pony has the incredible ability to make snap judgments in sudden ‘life-or-death’ situations. Often reacting out of pure instinct or training to make the right call at the right time and avoid a horrible excruciating death. Other times a pony may lock up out of panic and eat concentrated pain and suffering.

Slick was experiencing the latter.

In his defense the Saint was a pretty incredible sight to behold. I mean, how often do you see something drop out of the sky and start surfing?

…On top of a pony…

…while laughing manically…

…and heading straight for you while waving a shotgun in the air?

“Ok team, git to moving!”

Applejack wasted no time in kicking down the doors after the signal went up, the signal being screams of pain and terror, naturally…

Twilight, Rarity, and Pierce stormed into the only stairwell in the building and made for the upper floors. Their objectives were to link with the sky team and make a move on the lieutenant running this area’s operation. With him dead or captured the rest of Ponyville’s occupiers would fall like they were a house of cards.

AJ and Oleg raided the first floor and held the stairwell to prevent reinforcements from reaching the assaulters. They were still baffled as to who thought it was a good idea to only build one stairwell, but they didn’t complain as enraged Brothers move to defend their home.

As Twilight left the farm pony and the Russian to fend for themselves she felt a pang of regret and worry… all those incredibly dangerous and well trained gang members would be doing their very best to murder one of her most trusted friends and a stranger from another world…

…She almost felt sorry for the Brotherhood.

Slick was… upset. After surfing on top of a coworker the human had delivered a flying haymaker straight to his groin. This was the third time their paths had crossed today, and the experiences ensured that this man would not leave the pony’s nightmares for years to come.

…Lefty had not survived the encounter.

The world became a haze after that. He distinctly recalled the sound of gunfire around him, but he could not move to investigate. In fact, laying here seemed like a pretty good idea. Maybe he could even have a nap…

Pierce and Rarity were proving to be scarily efficient at poking holes in things that were not meant to have holes in them. The Saint’s mastery over pistols akimbo bordered on artistry as he cleared the mostly empty offices and corridors. Rarity, meanwhile, seemed to actually create art with her blade. That one blood spatter looked suspiciously like Equestrian Gothic. Pitchfork and all…

It was actually rather beautiful if you stopped to appreciate it. It was especially impressive when you considered Rarity was still completely sloshed.

Twilight almost felt ashamed while she simply hurled thugs out windows to earn her keep… Sure they screamed on the way down, but it was just so inelegant. Maybe she could add some topspin to their trajectory…

Rainbow Dash was a little creeped out. She had managed to knock at least eight… no a dozen… no TWENTY bad guys using her awesome super speed and agility. Or at least that was what Rainbow would claim later as she had no witnesses to deny it… But when she looked to her side to check on Fluttershy she was just sitting there quietly by herself.

When they arrived she HAD been completely surrounded, but now she was alone. The only remaining evidence of the former guards was the presence of multiple suspicious blood stains on the walls, but the yellow pegasus was serene.

“Hey Fluttershy… How ya doing?”

“Oh I’m fine, thank you for asking Rainbow.”

“O… kay. Just checking.”

Fluttershy’s gaze turned downward as she realized Rainbow wasn’t convinced. “…Well... I suppose I am a little worried about Angle. I hope he isn’t lonely without me.”

'All right... her priorities check out. Shy has not been replaced by a body snatcher with a thirst for pony blood. Good to know.' Rainbow thought to herself.

All Rainbow needed now was to figure out where her boss had run off to. It should be easy enough to track him, though. Just follow the trail of blood and spent shotgun shells.

The Russian and Farmer combo had become rather bored with their job. Sure it was fun for a while, but you can only buck a guy upside the head so many times before the practice becomes monotonous. The curb-stomping fest needed some freshening up, and Oleg had just the idea to do it.

…Two bottles of vodka later and they were having a dance-off on the skulls of Brotherhood.

AJ opted for a traditional hoedown while Oleg performed his rendition of a hopak, or Cossack dance. Yes he knew it was Ukrainian, but the leg movements could be quite violent when properly motivated. Twilight’s concerns for the wellbeing of the local Brotherhood population were, apparently, quite well founded.

…It was a good day to be a Saint.

It was a shitty day to be a Saint.

He was out of ammo… That has never happened before.

It occurred to the leader of the Saints about thirty shells too late that he had no way of immediately replenishing his stock of ammunition. Improvised blunt weapons, chains, and knives did not keep a shotgun properly fed.

The upside? The top level and fourth floor had been more or less cleared. He now stood in a darkened and ruined administrator’s office with naught but a trail of blood remaining of the guards. All that remained between him and his target was a barricaded door to a storage room.

His scheming was only interrupted by the arrival of his crew. They slowly shuffled in one by one, obviously slightly exhausted from the effort of murdering or at least brutalizing an entire building's worth of their mortal enemies…

That gave him an idea actually… He could do this one of two ways. The smart way, which involved his entire collection of talent, or the way which involved beating a man to death with a soup ladle that he found in the kitchen.

…It was a very nice ladle, he had to admit.

Slick did not know how or why he was lying in a puddle of his own vomit in the grassy field behind the Brotherhood office building. All he knew was that he needed booze, an ice pack, and a way to get the buck out of this damn hick town.

He knew the Brotherhood was still strong in Manehattan. Though bloodied and beaten it was his only option for salvation. As he limped slowly in the direction of the city he couldn’t help but think… 'Next time, aim for my bucking head and be done with it…'

Shaundi, Pinkie, AJ, and Oleg had arrived from downstairs while the Boss finalized his plan. And it was a very good plan, if he dared to say so himself. It was also completely and utterly insane.

“Pinkie Pie… Have you ever tried ‘Saint’s Flow’ before?”

“Nope! Is it good? Do you have some? Oh boy I love trying new things! Like that time I-mphmblehmph…”

The Boss wasted no time clamping his hand over Pinkie’s muzzle. He was starting to get good at catching those nonsensical ramblings. “Just listen real close to me Pinks. Behind that door is the guy we need to take down. You are going to take this here ladle, and a can of Saint’s Flow energy drink, and you are going to flush him out. Can you do that for us?”

As the Boss’ hand was still clenched over her lips, Pinkie simply nodded her head rapidly.

“Lovely… Soon as she downs this thing give her a good ‘flying’ start, Oleg.”

The Russian nodded silently and gingerly picked up the excitable pony as the Boss withdrew a single purple can of the fabled energy drink from a hidden coat pocket. When Pinkie laid eyes on that can a feeling of dread and impending doom washed over the gathered ponies.

Rainbow voiced her concerns. “What’s in that stuff anyway? It’s not gonna hurt her is it?”

Pierce shrugged. “Probably. It’s basically NoDoz, Adderall, cough syrup, and enough sugar to induce diabetic shock.”

The Boss shook his head and sighed. “That’s being mighty generous, mate. Oh well, bottoms up Pinks!”

In one fluid motion the purple can of dubious origins was thrown to the pink mare, opened, and chugged before anypony could voice further protest. Rainbow stared aghast as her gal pal downed the potentially dangerous concoction.

But for Pinkie Pie, time stood still. She was no longer aware of her friend’s concern. She was holding a ladle, and for some reason she was airborne all of the sudden. She vaguely remembered something about a very mean pony that was hiding behind that door she was flying towards. Oh well, she was sure she’d remember after she was inside…

In Canterlot

Princess Luna sat up in her study very suddenly. “Guards, did you just feel that?”

“No, your Highness. I don’t believe so… Is everything all right?”

“It’s fine, I’m sure. I just had the strangest feeling. As though a great disturbance had just upset the balance of magic itself. But I have been drinking, that sort of thing happens sometimes.”

“With respect, ma’am. I warned you about indulging your sister when she gets like that.”

“Yes you’re right… But it’s so much fun see what we can get her to do when she’s intoxicated!”

The royal guard did not show it, but inside he was smiling. It wasn’t often you got to see Princess Celestia wearing a sombrero and doing the Macarena… Powerful stuff, that moonshine.

Back in Ponyville

“Sweet mother of Celestia, she’s like a cannonball!” Rarity stared wide-eyed at the pony shaped hole in the former door while only barely staying upright on her wobbly legs. “...May I try that next? It looks entertaining!” The unicorn smiled wide and giggled drunkenly, clearly having the time of her life.

The Boss made a mental note to have whatever she was having…

“GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!”

The sound of metal hitting skull resonated from within the room. Pinkie must have been swinging that ladle at a mile a minute. Poor blighter never stood a chance… Even the leader of the Saints was speechless. The man had conquered Stillwater, had mid-air gun fights, mid-air TANK fights, fought zombie infestations for the one and only Burt Fucking Reynolds, hijacked fighter jets for fun, and made a habit of assaulting homeless people with oversized sex toys… But he had never seen something like this.

Ponyville’s premier party pony was the apocalypse in a cupcake.

The group’s admiration of the scene was abruptly ended when their target was finally released from his prison. If your definition of 'released' includes ‘forcefully ejected at high velocity’… But what they saw was rather unexpected.

“He’s a griffon!?” Twilight backed away slowly at the revelation. Collaboration between factions on this level was unheard of. She didn’t know what this meant for Equestria but it couldn’t be good.

The battered and bleeding griffon clenched his teeth in barely contained rage. Had he not already known the fury of “Ladle Fighting”, he likely would have been a credible threat to Twilight’s continued existence. But he did know what would happen, so he contented himself with half-hearted growling. “Yeah, you never seen one before? Take a picture toots, it’ll last longer...”

Applejack did not seem to care one bit as she stared at the foreigner. “Can Ah kill him now?”

Boss held up his hand to restrain the enraged farmer. “Hold up, luv. This is new and according to Twi, very unusual. Congratulations, feather-brain. You are officially the first prisoner of war.”

“Can Ah at least buck ‘im once?”

“Only if you aim for the goolies!”

Planting Flags: Mission Complete!

New Crib Unlocked: Ponyville Penthouse

Respect Earned: Level 5

New Homie Unlocked: Twilight Sparkle

New Homie Unlocked: Rarity

Call up your gang members at any time to assist you in combat!

Chapter 6: Rally for Insanity

Chapter 6: Rally for Insanity

The morning after the penthouse assault

The warm sunlight of early morning filled Ponyville’s library with a soft glow as its primary occupant drifted back into the land of the living. Two things entered Twilight’s mind as her eyes were brutally assaulted by the blazing heat ball in the sky.

‘What in the world did I do last night to deserve this headache, and why do I smell alcohol?’

As the beleaguered unicorn hefted herself upright in her well-used bed, her questions were answered. There on the nightstand sat a crystal clear glass bottle, glinting innocently in the morning sun. The brief beauty of the simple object betrayed a far more sinister truth behind the mysterious container.

‘Oh buck me, I got drunk… Why did I let Rarity and Applejack convince me to try vodka?’

Her regrets were cut short as the smell of something delicious difted through the air. Her faithful assistant Spike must be making breakfast. Her wake-up may have been soured by the after-effects of the previous night, but her morning would not be allowed to suffer. Now if only she could remember what she had done last night…

She’d figure it out later, or maybe she could ask the human who was currently snoring on her floor. The one who refused to reveal his true name appeared to have collapsed on that spot as he was spread eagle, fully dressed, and still clutching a bottle of his poison of choice. It was almost adorable, if he didn’t look like such a slob. She almost regretted that she needed to wake him up. Given his homicidal tendencies during the day, this may very well be as peaceful as Twilight would ever see him. It was nice not having to worry about finding another spot to hide bodies.

Twilight froze mid-step as she suddenly recalled details of the previous night. So that was why she had decided to drink. Telekinetically carting bodies to an unmarked mass grave was a memory she would be trying to repress for a good long time.

But needs must, and this was going to be a busy day. Twilight shook her head softly as she banished the haunting memories to the recesses of her mind. Her new partner needed to be awake, and she knew just how to wake up the madman.

She bucked him upside the head with a ‘crack’ that echoed through the library.

“Oi! What the bloody hell was that!?” The confused human thrashed violently for a moment before settling his eyes on his host. “Well good fucking morning to you too, luv. You look like shit.”

“Thanks to you! If we’re going to be working together, can you not shotgun everything that moves!?”

“If it’s any consolation, the first thing I’m going to do is hire a professional cleaning crew… You lot were kinda crap at it.”

Twilight growled under her breath as the human misinterpreted her intent. “Let me rephrase that. Can you not kill everything that moves with extreme prejudice?”

“That’s a pretty tall order, gotta be honest, luv.”

The golden rays of the morning sun filled the home of another of last night’s heroes as the librarian and the madman traded verbal lashings. The cottony white walls of Ponyville’s only cloud home rapidly adopted the hue of amber as the new dawn reached out to touch it.

The tranquility and beauty of the new day was short lived, however. The sole occupant of the elegant abode was not a morning pony, and the instant Celestia’s gift caressed the eyes of a cyan pegasus, her displeasure was made known.

“Five more bucking minutes, you cock guzzling whore of a princess!”

As the echoes of undiluted rage swept across the sleepy village of Ponyville, a pink mare stirred in her bed. The golden rays of sunshine ignored the cries as they happily filled the home of yet another pony. Pinkie Pie was normally a very cheery morning pony; up at the crack of dawn to begin baking treats and confections for the hungry masses. Today, however, she was comatose.

The effects of Saint’s Flow were furious, and short lived. Shortly after the griffon responsible for Ponyville’s suffering was captured and shipped to Canterlot for questioning, Rainbow Dash and Applejack had to combine their strength to retrieve the overcharged mare from the storage room. In her rush of ladle-based violence she had managed to embed herself quite firmly in the ceiling, of all places.

A crowbar may have been involved…

But the tribulations of the night were lost to Pinkie as she ignored the call of her duties. The harsh, chemically induced, crash ensured this pony would enjoy several more hours of bliss and innocence in a soft bed.

The golden rays of the sun tried once more to fill the home of a reliable pony, this time in Sweet Apple Acres. As soothing warm light filled the wooden home of the Apple family the building seemed to take on a life of its own. The well-used and much lived in walls of the farmhouse were lined with photos of ponies gone by, yet who still watched over their descendants. The friendly eyes in the photos welcomed the gift of morning with thanks, as if to fill the home of their beloved progeny with hope and optimism.

The effect was not lost on at least one pony. One of the few stallions in Ponyville rose like clockwork to start his day. Big Macintosh, mightiest of the mighty, would not let such a wonderful gift from his princess go to waste as he prepared for his morning chores, and he was sure to see that his sister wouldn’t either. To that end, he knocked on the door to her bedroom with little in the way of gentle care.

“Go back to bed, Mac… It’s too dang early!”

“In case you haven’t noticed, AJ, the sun is up and the weather’s fine.”

“Ah reject yer reality, and substitute mah own.”

Back in the library

The sun had pretty much given up at this point, and settled with an average amount of light and warmth that couldn't care less if it reached the home of these ungrateful whelps. Nopony noticed here, however. If silence could be quantified, then there was a metric buck-ton of silence filling the library. Human and pony sat on opposite sides of a wooden table eating their pancakes slowly and deliberately. Spike and Oleg had both inhaled their breakfast and stepped away long ago. Both now sat in a far corner observing the pair intently. They had sensed the tension between their employers, and wanted to be out of striking range should something important in either of them snap like a dry twig.

They also wanted to discuss the specifics of their wager. Spike was sure the Boss would speak first, while Kirrlov insisted Twilight would crack before long.

The eyes of their friends eyes met. The unicorn’s amethyst eyes burned with a mysterious passion as she played a game of verbal chicken with her guest. The human furrowed his brow in concentration as a drop of sweat beaded down his forehead. His dark sunglasses concealed his eyes and afforded the man a fleeting advantage as the librarian could not see how close he was to cracking. The human grinned inside, knowing the value of psychological warfare. He had played this game many times during many poker games, and he was good.

Oleg and Spike leaned forward in their seats, sensing the tension building to a breaking point. Their wager would soon be concluded, they could feel it. One of their employers would soon snap and let forth a tirade of obscenities any moment now, and it would be glorious. Any moment now…

A sharp knocking shattered the silence as both human and pony snapped their heads to the door and simultaneously shouted “What!?”

“Umm… It’s Rainbow Dash. You asked me to come early, remember?”

Twilight bounced out of her chair at the sudden memory. She had asked Rainbow to come as soon as she could. The services of the speedy pegasus would be needed today as a city-wide messenger.

“Sorry! Sorry, just stressed. I didn’t forget.” Twilight said as she opened the door. The rainbow mane of her friend appeared to have been attacked by a swamp monster, and her eyes told a tale of sorry and misery. Rainbow Dash was many things to her friends and to Ponyville, but a morning pony was not one of them.

“I’ll forgive you in exchange for coffee. Now what the hay is it that you needed me to do?”

Spike grumbled under his breath and padded off to the kitchen. He was not pleased to see his bet invalidated by Rainbow, but she would get her coffee.

Twilight smiled as she watched her assistant move into action before speaking. “I’d like you to round up all our friends and as many ponies as you can get, and tell them to go to the town square at noon. Things are moving fast and we need everypony on the same page if we’re going to kick the Brotherhood out for good.”

Meanwhile Rainbow’s newest employer, the leader of the Saints, produced a small stack of flyers. “Also, we need you ponies to look the part. The color purple is in, spread the word. Improvised weapons are highly encouraged, as we don’t exactly have an armory to spread the love. Combat experience is a plus, self-motivated, and loyal. We need Ponyville protected by Ponyville. Sooner they get started the better.”

Rainbow narrowed her eyes in annoyance. “Too early. Coffee first. Need to talk to Twilight, buck off.”

“Fair ‘nuff, Skittles.” Without another word the man turned on a heel and walked off to a side room, motioning Oleg to follow. They apparently had business to attend to and Rainbow did not mind one bit.

With the humans gone, Rainbow was left alone with Twilight, and she wasted no time getting to the point.

“Twi, I am very seriously concerned about the mental health of Equestria and our friends. Seriously, what the buck.”

Canterlot

As Princess Luna approached her sister’s personal quarters she hummed a merry tune and swayed her hips to the beat of a song heard only in her head. She seemed to emanate an air of confidence and serenity with every hoof-step. Very few would have guessed that she was returning from Canterlot’s dungeon. And fewer still that she had just personally conducted an interrogation.

But she had, and a very productive interrogation it was. The griffon captured by her newest anti-gang task force had proven to be a treasure trove of useful tidbits. None that would directly harm gang operations outside of Ponyville itself, but useful none the less. That information was precisely what Luna needed to share with her dear sister.

Princess Celestia, however, sulked in her bed and emanated an air of depression. Her eyes were swollen and drooping as evidence of little-to-no sleep, her head throbbed with a pounding headache, and even her horn seemed to be duller than usual. Only her magnificent magical mane appeared to be unaffected as it flowed majestically around her neck, a sharp contrast to the wreck that was the monarch of the sun.

Hangovers are a bitch, ain’t they Princess?

As Celestia watched her sister enter her bedchambers, two things immediately happened. Celestia instantly felt slightly better as the walking ball of optimism approached. The second was a thought.

‘How in the world is she still so cheery after last night?’

If Luna noticed any questions floating through her sister’s mind she didn’t show it as she smiled wide and spoke with a sing-song voice. “Good morning Celly. I have wonderful news out of Ponyville! And some distressing news, but mostly offset by the good, I assure you.”

“Then begin with the bad. I’d like to leave on a bright note, if we could.”

“Certainly! It seems our newest team of crime fighters encountered quite a lot of resistance when questioning the occupants of the Brotherhood’s Ponyville headquarters. I’m told a fight broke out that left quite a few injured.”

Celestia’s heart plummeted even further than was thought possible. It was their first day as an official entity, and already their existence was in jeopardy. “How many of our agents fell?”

“Oh, none. They’re fine. Dandy, even. It’s the Brotherhood I’m worried about. The griffon they sent was the only survivor.”

Celestia did not appear to react. Her expression remained stone still, as if she was still waiting for Luna to speak. Her every expectation for how this conversation was about to proceed had been refuted and left the monarch unable to fully grasp the meaning of the words she had just heard. All she could do was utter a single word.

“…Pardon?”

“They’re dead. The humans along with Twilight and her friends, representing STAG, raided the building in response to the violence, and massacred virtually anything that moved.”

Back in the library

“Did you hear that?” Rainbow looked out a window facing the direction of Canterlot with a puzzled look on her face.

“It sounded almost like a scream. Probably just a hawk or something.”

“Anyway like I was saying… Last night kinda scared me. Or actually, Fluttershy scares me. A lot. Rarity was weird but if we hide the booze she should be okay. Also hide the knives… But then there’s you!”

“Me? I’ll be fine, I just need to stay hydrated. Or at least that’s what the book said about treating hangovers.”

“Not really what I was referring to.”

“We can discuss it later. Right now, you have work to do and I have a human to berate some more. Away!”

In Celestia’s bedchamber

Luna was smiling happily and still bobbing her head to the beat of some unheard melody. It was as if she hadn’t heard the words that came out of her own mouth. The young princess didn’t have a care in the world, even as she watched her sister collapse into a quivering ball of raw nerves and anxiety.

This seemed very curious to the monarch of the sun. As the world seemed to crumble around Celestia, that one thing seemed to stand out. One thing in all the world refused to concede to the horrors of life. Her sister Luna. This confused her greatly.

“How do you do it, Luna?”

“Do what?” Luna cocked her head to the side in confusion.

“How do you stay so calm at a time like this? You barely even flinch at the death of so many ponies!”

“Time and practice, dear sister. Time and practice!”

“Practice?” Celestia was well aware of the fact that Luna had dealt with far more emotional trauma that most ponies would see in a lifetime, but she hadn’t suspected such events might have desensitized her sister to such an extent. “Do you mean your time on the moon? Was it really that terrible?”

“No it wasn’t that. Well it was terrible, but I’ve gotten over that. No, I took some time for myself after my return. It was very productive!” Luna could tell Celestia was getting very curious. She had hoped to keep the details of this to herself, but it was apparent this would not be wise any longer. “Do you remember Nightmare Night?”

“Of course, you went to Ponyville and, despite initial misgivings, had a wonderful time.”

“Yes, I did. But I realized something about myself. I have the habit of... overreacting when I feel ponies aren’t seeing things my way. Bit of an angry streak in me. I had thought that side of me died with Nightmare Moon, but I was wrong. I never told you, but before I was accepted in Ponyville I may have… banned Nightmare Night for all eternity.”

“Oh… I see… And you were scared you’d do it again, weren’t you?” Celestia’s face softened with concern for her sister. This was new indeed, and she had long suspected Luna’s emotional stability wasn’t quite up to par for a princess. But she never realized it was still this bad.

“Yes, I was. I became quite fond of our little ponies, and I wanted to make sure I did not hurt them again. So I took action. Do you know how I became strong enough to face the suffering of so many directly, and not even flinch?”

“…No, I do not. That’s why I’m asking.”

“Drugs.”

“What!?”

“Prescription narcotics. Some not so prescription... Also practice. Mostly practice after that incident involving an assassination attempt and a gravity well. That stain in my marble floor may never come out…”

“Luna, that is terrifying.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t recommend that path for you. I suggest the sombrero. Everything is better with sombreros.”

Rainbow was true to her word and was in the process of pasting the last flyer to a light post. At least half of Ponyville had been personally informed and the rest were sure to see the numerous flyers decorating the village. All that was left was the great friend roundup, starting with Applejack.

As the speedy pegasus approached the farm house of Sweet Apple Acres she noticed AJ doing something very uncharacteristic. Something that was sure to be a sign of the apocalypse had the world not already been well on its way.

She was sleeping in a tree. Rainbow’s favorite tree, to be precise. This could not stand, not while Rainbow was on duty. There were several ways she could do this.

A: Gently rouse the sleeping farmer

B: Yell loudly and startle the farmer

C: Buck the stuffing out of that stupid tree

…Rainbow stood corrected. There was only one way that would get AJ out of that stupid tree.

“Hey Oleg, did you hear that?”

“The enraged screams of a mare about to commit homicide? Yes it was difficult to miss.”

“Rainbow! If Ah catch you, you are a dead mare!”

Rainbow barely heard a word as she cackled in the skies above. The plan had worked flawlessly. Though Rainbow lacked the strength of the earth pony, a good flying start gave her enough speed and power to buck the mare right out of her branch. “That’s what you get for getting plastered last night!”

“Ah’d tar and feather you, but you already have the feathers, and the tar fer brains!”

“Oh now that’s just uncalled for! Oh, and by the way, meeting in town square at noon. Bye!”

Rainbow fled the scene before any further action could be taken by her friend. She knew it was dangerous to be in bucking range of the earth pony when she was under the effects of alcohol, or its aftermath.

Canterlot

As Celestia entered a posh boardroom no pony would ever have guessed she had spent her morning as an emotional wreck. She was calm, collected, regal, and beautiful. The only possible hint that something was amiss was her crown. Ordinarily she wore a golden crown with an inlaid amethyst at its center.

Today she wore a sombrero. It was golden in color with elegant amethyst embroidery decorating the brim. For something so comical, the way she wore it with such confidence made it look as if Celestia had worn it all her life.

A guard standing at attention spoke to the ponies gathered around the large table of the boardroom. “The Ministry of Silly Hats is now in session. All rise for Princess Celestia.”

“Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I’m aware quite a few developments have come to light recently. Let us begin immediately. Ten Gallon, would you like to begin?”

“Certainly your majesty.” A unicorn wearing a comically large cowboy hat rose and telekinetically passed a manila folder to the princess. “We have numerous reports of violence taking place in the village of Ponyville. If I’m not mistaken, your anti-gang initiative is now active. I would strongly recommend directing their resources to this region immediately.”

“Thank you Ten Gallon. Fez, you may speak.”

A rather disgruntled looking pegasus wearing a bright red fez rose and passed a dossier. “News of violence directed at the Brotherhood has spread quickly, your majesty. It seems to have inspired quite a few ponies outside of Ponyville to do the same. Scattered confrontations have taken place in Cloudsdale, but even more shocking is the appearance of an informant. We must move immediately to secure any information this pony may have, and ensure his or her safety.”

“Thank you Fez. Capotain, you may speak.”

A regal looking earth pony with a thick mustache and a pilgrim style hat passed another dossier to the princess. “The informant phenomenon is not limited to Cloudsdale. I have reports of a griffon ready to speak about The Family, and a unicorn informing on the Conclave.”

“Turban, you may speak.”

A burly looking earth pony with a fire in his eye rose from his seat forcefully. “Equestria is on the verge of a revolution. Your initiative must be expanded! This STAG, as you call it, needs to extend its reach immediately if we are to control the situation.”

“Fancy Top Hat with a Monocle, you may speak.”

There were many things Luna was good at. We can add 'making this look good' to the list. “Sister… He’s right. We need to move, and soon. I believe I may be able to help with that. I’d like to join them.”

“Join? You don’t mean…”

“If STAG and the Saints continue as they did last night, they may require additional assistance to keep them safe. Not to mention grounded... Directing them personally would benefit them as well as us. Also, I’m bored, and I’d like the challenge.”

“You just want to use that gravity spell again.”

“True!”

Rainbow was not having a very productive late morning. Fluttershy was just plain missing and Pinkie was still comatose. With her luck Rarity would still be hungover and ready to slash the throat of anypony who crossed her. RD was not looking forward to knocking on that particular door… Maybe she could convince Pierce or Shaundi to talk to Rarity instead…

Either way she braced for the worst as she approached the door to the Carousel Boutique and knocked softly. If a knife went airborne Rainbow would not be caught off-guard.

“Coooming! Just a moment.” A sing-song voice called out from inside, leading to much confusion in the pegasus outside. As the door opened Rainbow was greeted by the warm and smiling face of Rarity, looking fabulous. “Why hello Rainbow, good to see you up so early. Can I interest you in some tea?”

Rainbow simply stood and stared with her mouth open for a moment before shaking the confusion out of her head. This may be unexpected, but RD was not a pony to question good fortune. “Yeah, sure. I’ve had a rough morning and I need to check on your guests anyway.”

“Oh Shaundi and Mr. Washington? Yes they’re doing quite well. In fact I’ve started making new clothing for them! It turns out Washington is quite concerned with his appearance and has commissioned me to create a new line for him. Oh the wonderful things we shall do with the color purple!”

Rainbow’s jaw had once again gone slack. “How the hay are you not hungover!?”

“Oh please Rainbow, I am a lady. You think I would allow myself to spend a morning vomiting and being miserable? I know my limits and I drink only the finest of wines. Hmph!”

“You were completely hammered! And you walked it off like you’re a professional alcoholic? Do you unicorns have some sort of spell to cure hangovers or something!?”

“Rainbow, I’m shocked by what you’re implying! I am a lady of respect, fashion, and sophistication. I live in a world where the slightest mistake shall be judged by all!”

“Okay, I suppose that makes se-“

“Of course I’m an alcoholic! I mastered the anti-hangover spell my first week of college.”

Shortly before noon, in the library

“Please?”

“No”

“I’ll leave it unloaded!”

“No! A thousand times no! No rocket launchers at the speech.”

“But what if somepony comes at me, tries to assassinate me? What am I going to do? Brutally murder them with only my bare incendiary shotgun shells? I feel so naked…”

“You are a very strange little man… Can we please go back to tactics and not whining?”

“As we walk, luv. It’s almost showtime, I’d like to see if your friend pulled through.” The leader of the Saints, and now STAG, casually turned on his heel and walked out the door of the library, leaving a frustrated Twilight to follow. A full morning of swapping ideas, tactics, and plans had born very little in the way of progress. Although Oleg did learn quite a few new ways to insult a pony as he lurked in a side room…

“I still think every single plan you’ve proposed is crazy.”

“Now I’m offended. Please, it’s pants-on-head crazy. Get it right!”

“And there is no way your friend Shaundi is going to agree to your idea.”

“But it fits perfectly! Give ‘er some of that ponification juice from your crazy-ass genocidal alternate universe equivalent, and send ‘er off to scout out new locations for us in advance. What could go wrong? It’s bloody brilliant.”

“There is absolutely nothing about that plan that isn’t completely unfair to your friend! Do you even care if she gets killed out there?”

“Course I care. I’m just confident she won’t. You need to have trust in yer mates, luv. If you don’t, you’re in the wrong business, I’ll tell you that right now.”

Twilight could only sigh in frustration. This was not an argument she would win anytime soon. Also, the town square was rapidly approaching as they walked. She would need to polish her speech on the fly to give it some extra punch. This was an important day, even if the librarian dreaded every single moment of it. They would begin their recruiting drive for the Saints today.

Twilight hated herself for agreeing to this, but it made sense. What better way to fight a gang than by making your own damn gang. If they led it themselves they could control their actions and promote peace through unity. She figured if their ponies were numerous and strong enough, violence could be avoided completely through intimidation. Scare the rivals who would do harm away from their territory.

There was no going back now. Twilight had four humans with a plan, the will, and the ability to pull Equestria from the brink. She had come this far and risked her reputation to do it. She may have disappointed Celestia with her brash actions, but redemption would be found in victory! It was that very thought that kept Twilight walking as they approached the gathered crowd. Their friends were already waiting at a podium somepony had brought.

‘It’s a shame I still really hate public speaking…’ Twilight thought.

In the clouds above Ponyville

All had been set, and all was moving as planned and predicted. When you advertise your presence and serve yourself up on a silver platter it’s hard to resist calling you out on it…

And that’s just what a griffon in the clouds intended to do. One paid off pony, one magically detonated bomb, one royal protégé, and as many bodies as could fit in the blast radius. And the only pony in the village who could possibly find it ahead of time, Pinkie Pie, was still stuck in a freaking coma. Lady luck had smiled wide and this guy was there to reap the rewards.

As the human and pony duo approached the crowd cheered for their arrival. The Brotherhood operations in the region had been single-handedly crippled in a single day by a dream team of world saving bad-asses. Also Fluttershy… nopony was quite sure what to make of that.

“Whoah, hold up, luv.” As the leaders of the Saints approached the podium the human froze mid-step, holding his hand out to stop Twilight. “Something’s not right, hang back a bit.”

Twilight cocked her head to the side in confusion. “You’re going to have to elaborate a bit. I don’t see anything out of the ordinary.”

“My yacht senses are tingling…”

“Yacht senses? Have you been drinking again!?”

Her partner did not reply, but instead reached into his coat and revealed a small toy boat. It was a model yacht. “It tells me things. I have a sense for when a yacht is going to meet a terrible demise.”

“…You’re telling me the toy boat talks to you?”

“No, I just know these things. Happens more than you’d think. Yachts and I have history together.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Don’t question science!”

‘This is taking too long. Time for training to kick in. Target spooked, what do? Detonate early, buy time, distract. Move in for kill, CQC to be sure, run away. Okay I can do this…’

*beep*

Before the sound of the blast even reached the clouds the griffon was off. Far below an orange glow enveloped the region surrounding what used to be a podium. It would be useless for anything other than a distraction, however. Too small and not enough shrapnel to cause casualties. This was not a terribly large bomb. It was a tool for assassination, not demolition.

And so the griffon fell. It wasn’t ideal but the talons of a motivated and trained killer were devastating.

In the mind of a different killer

‘Loud noise, bomb, someone tried to kill me. Still alive, find douchebag. Whistling sound, something falling, look up. Griffon. Distance… close enough. Shot ready to fire, aim, only one chance.’

*Blam!*

‘Blood spatter, hit it dead on, roll out of way it’s still falling. No other targets found… I’m safe. Standing down…’

Back in the real world

“And another one bites the dust… This is a good day!” As the Boss held his trusty shotgun he was quite pleased with how that went. One dead griffon, no dead ponies. That’s what he would call a win-win.

Twilight was not so pleased. “Did you have to blast him like that!?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. First off, blasting things like that is always a good idea when they’re charging.”

“He was ridiculously outnumbered! Even if he flew away Dash could have caught him no problem!”

Rainbow, however, had other things on her mind. “Uhh, Twi. I hate to break it to you, but-”

“One day, that’s all I asked for! ONE day of not murdering everything that isn’t on your side!”

Rainbow placed a hoof on her friend’s shoulder in an attempt to be comforting. “Twilight, I think you need-”

“But NO! First sign of any danger and you pull a shotgun. Nopony was even hurt!”

“Twi-”

“Is this how it’s always going to be?! I know you have ways of disabling and not killing. But do you ever think to use them? Noooo…”

Rainbow was annoyed, so she shouted “Twilight!” directly into her friend’s ear.

The librarian was stunned for a moment. She had barely even noticed Rainbow’s presence before, so the sudden shout was a bit overpowering. She slowly turned to her friend and finally noticed the concerned look on her face.

“Twilight… That was you.”

“Rainbow? What-”

“He didn’t fire a shot.”

“What are you talking about.”

“That was you. You plastered him with magic. You killed the griffon. Why can’t you remember?”

Twilight stood completely still for a moment, trying to wrap her head around her friend’s words. It was only then that she noticed something felt off. Something was dripping…

She looked down. It was blood. She was covered in it. She had been the target, she had killed the killer.
She was the murderer...

“Oh… Well this is new.”

The leader of the Saints smiled knowingly. “Hah! Welcome to the 'Voices tell me to hurt people' club! We have t-shirts, stay for the coffee. You’re gonna love it here, mate.”

Chapter 1: Saying Hello

Chapter 1 – Saying Hello

It was a bright and sunny day in Ponyville. Cliché really… The sky was blue and the weather was cooperative with the pegasus charged with maintaining it. So cooperative, in fact, that she had taken to practicing her stunt flying early this day. It was the single most liberating activity available to the would-be Wonderbolt, a chance to get away from the horrors that plagued the streets below. Rainbow Dash treasured this time to forget and escape. Time was a precious commodity for the self-described ‘Fastest Flyer in Equestria’ as her services were normally in high demand. Not just managing the weather, but also side jobs for the newest business pony to move into Ponyville.

That pony was named Iron Hart.

Rainbow’s face twisted in a look of disgust and malice towards the self-described ‘entrepreneur’ when she thought of him. His methods were, in a word, vicious. If you refused to deal with him you ended up bankrupt or dead. If you refused a job offer you found the talents he admired in you taken away forcefully. This had resulted in many earth ponies learning how to live with a limp… After witnessing the consequences of resistance any pegasi with offers still standing quickly accepted. It took little imagination to figure out how a pegasus would be punished…

The weather pony threw herself into a series of lazy corkscrews as she thought back to the fall of Ponyville. Residents had quickly decided it was in their best interest to cooperate and hope to strike a mutually beneficial accord before an offer was even extended. It shattered the pride of the quiet village, but all agreed it was only a matter of time before karma caught up to the most hated stallion in the region. Even the town librarian Twilight Sparkle had been coerced into working as a record keeper after they heard about her famous organizational skills. The thought of her friend’s skills being perverted to aid a monster made Rainbow sick, but there was little she could do other than be a good friend to the unfortunate unicorn.

She could see the library from up here, now that she thought about it. The windows all look shut tight, the door closed and a sign hung from it that Rainbow could only assume read ‘Closed’. It was that time of the month again, apparently. Iron Hart would want a record of his financial activity in the village and that meant poor Twilight would be furiously pouring over documents and receipts to account for every last bit going in and out. Rainbow made a silent determination to see her friend in the evening when she would be finished. She’d need some support after dealing with Hart’s thuggish middlemen, his ‘homies’, that would be sent to pick up her work…

The month’s financial records were, in fact all, assembled and ready to be processed by the studious unicorn. However, they were not actually being processed. Instead they made a lovely door stops and dust collecting devices. The normally diligent Twilight Sparkle had more important business to attend to and managed to completely forget about her forced servitude. Not even her draconic assistant remembered it in the midst of the chaotic preparations before him.

“Twi, you need to slow down. Have you slept at all?”

“Yes! Wait, no, I think I did?”

The fractured mirror in the far corner of the library’s main floor shimmered slightly as a purple figure appeared in one of the shards. “You did, actually. You passed out for exactly 1 hour and 34 minutes while were discussing the necessary balance of loyalty to chaos we needed. We also determined we look adorable when unconscious on a pile of books.”

“Thank you, Three. See, Spike, I did sleep! Now help me move this desk out of the way. I have no idea how big the creature might be.”

“For the record, I still think it’s a TERRIBLE idea to be trying your hoof at monster summoning.”

“It’s not a monster Spike! It’s… a creature of alien origins and dubious moral standards. We’re in absolutely no danger at all! If we got the list right, anyway… And I don’t miscast the spell… And the creature is actually able to survive in our atmosphere… And isn’t some sort of carnivore that eats ponies… And –“

Spike stopped listening as his boss continued to list various ways this plan could be bucked before it even started. He knew this was a terrible idea but for some reason he just couldn’t help but keep moving the desk out of the way and move on to the next task Twilight needed complete before the big moment. Then again he’d always gone along with her crazy ideas and they hadn’t been killed horribly yet. Spike was sure the flawless record on non-lethal results would hold up. He just hoped she would stop talking already and get on with the spell. What was she going on about again, it sounded like she was saying-…

“SPIKE!”

“Ack! What!?”

“Are you even listening to me? I had to call you three times! Get the backups ready, we’re ready to cast.”

“Yes ma’am!” Spike saluted and felt an adrenaline rush. He knew what she meant by ‘backups’. If the spell failed there would be no more attempts today as Twilight would be left exhausted even by a misfire. No, these backups were in case the spell went right, but the creature didn’t…

Spike admired the creativity of the alternate Rainbow Dash as he looked at a really scary looking contraption RD had called a T.A.S.E.R. He couldn’t remember what the acronym stood for if his life depended on it but he sure knew how to use it. He could have sworn she mentioned it was a literary reference or something… But what he really wanted to know was how Twilight managed to trap a storm cloud in that jar without a pegasus around to help.

Next up was the ponification serum provided by Twilight Five. Guaranteed to turn any creature into a pony and erase any malicious tendencies at the same time, just in case the creature was unstable but knowledgeable enough to still be useful.

And the last contraption he was responsible for was a gas grenade of some sort. Twilight Seven claimed it was her pride and joy after she used it to cure her mayor of severe insomnia. It was a happy coincidence it just so happened to have other, more creative, applications.

But the time for preparation was over. The Farsighted-Mirror in the corner was now fully populated by their trans-dimensional audience, eagerly waiting to see the fruits of their labor. Now it was time to run through the final pre-cast checklist.

Twilight stomped her hoof once to get attention. “Ok everypony! Let’s recap, shall we?”

Spike cleared his throat and began reading from the book in front of him. “Spell: Trans-Dimensional Creature Summoning. Requirements: Creature must be in a state of recent death or near death to be acquired by summoning spell. Purpose: To acquire an ally to be used to fight back the street gangs in Equestria. Risks: Creature may be unstable and highly dangerous. Creature may be highly agitated given aforementioned ‘near death’ requirement.”

Twilight picked up where her assistant left off. She already knew this part by heart… “Possible complications: Creature may not be suited to survival in our world. Creature may not be capable of communicating in the same manner as ponies. Creature may still be in state of near-death after summoning. Creature may be comatose if death resulted in annihilation of creature’s original body. Memory loss and disorientation may be expected in such an event. Neurological changes may result in undesired behavior. Creature may be accompanied by additional creatures or items in its immediate vicinity. Additional creatures may be hostile and not subject to original features required of summoned creature. Use extreme caution if this occurs.”

“And finally…” Spike added with a rueful expression “it is highly illegal and stupidly dangerous.”

“Thank you for the input, Spike. Let’s begin.”

If Twilight had bothered to look back at the Think Tank she may have noticed several had grabbed popcorn and snacks… And Rainbow appeared to be placing a bet with Twilight Three. This room was just swimming in confidence…

Twilight didn’t notice as her horn began to glow. Sparks of pure magic short from the tip as an ethereal glow began to form on the floor of the library. For anypony else this would have been an impossible spell to cast alone. But this was no ordinary pony. THIS was Twilight Sparkle, protégé to Princess Celestia herself. The spell neared completion rapidly, the entire library flooded with magic.

Everything hurt.

It was very dark…

He couldn’t feel his toes…

He was still very pissed off at something, though he couldn’t recall what…

Now he started to recall. He should be dead. Was this hell? It should be hell, given the life he’d been leading. He even made sure he died with a case of his favorite toys next to him just in case he could take it with him. He wanted to see if demons knew the meaning of pain…

Everything hurt…

It was very bright…

She couldn’t feel her hooves.

What had she been doing before now?

Now she recalled. The spell! It had taken every ounce of energy to complete the spell but she did it. She had expected she might be incapacitated by the backwash, everything was taken care of. Her faithful assistance Spike would be around at any moment to revive her and deal with whatever it was they had just brought into the world.

He felt more or less fine.

It was moderately well illuminated. The windows were still closed.

He was kinda hungry.

Oh horse apples, there was something he should be doing right now wasn’t there. RIGHT! Revive Twilight. There would be time later to gawk at the pile of aliens and a weird green crate they’d brought with them. There were four of them total, weird there was only supposed to be one. Good thing they were all out cold or this could have gotten ugly.

Not a single jaw hadn’t hit the floor in the Think Tank. Twilight One had done it, she had really done it! All that was left to see was the personalities of the strange creatures.

“They’re called humans, everypony.”

“Five, how do you know that?”

“This is what we had originally created the ponification serum for, actually! In my world we used to coexist, but we eventually decided the humans weren’t capable of caring for their world effectively. Chaos, warfare, famine, greed… Pretty much all the things you’re fighting to stop right now, they had in spades. Be cautious when they come to. Or better yet give them the serum immediately. You’d do them all a favor.”

“That’s… kinda creepy, Five.”

“How so, Eight?”

“You just turned them all into ponies? ALL of them?”

“Pretty much, though it was strictly voluntary. …Mostly.”

“Still seems… extreme. You couldn’t just, you know, tell them to cut it out?”

“Some of them, sure. But the suffering we saw… We decided the best solution was out with the old, and in with the ponies!” Five looked very enthusiastic with her explanation. However, the rest were less than convinced. They all decided misanthropy should be discouraged in their own universes should the occasion arise…

Twilight One, meanwhile, was finally on her hooves again. She had to agree with the majority, but was deeply disturbed by the depiction of the human race. But then again, that’s exactly what she needed. “I’m gonna have to go with Eight on this one. Extinction seems a bit harsh. Let’s set that plan to the side for now… I’d like to have a chat with our new guests before we jump to conclusions.”

He heard voices. Female, multiple though similar sounding, gentle, very close by. Good signs, but raised more questions than answers. He was not dead, as previously predicted. His crate of ‘toys’ had come with him, however. This was fantastic news and a source of infinite comfort as his somatic nervous system kicked in again.

He opened his eyes. He regretted that and closed them again. It occurred to him they had neglected to pack any booze in the toy box. Didn’t matter really… He’d just have to find something that deserved it and murder it in the face. That always cured a headache.

The human closest to her was coming around! “Spike, get ready. One of them is waking up.”

Now that she was fully conscious and upright she had a much better look at her haul. The three humans in the rear were all obscured by shadows and partially hidden behind the large green crate that had come with them, but the closest human she had a full view of. He was respectably tall, for a human, which was at least two feet taller than she was on all fours. His black mane was well kept and continued onto his face, forming a full beard. It wore driving cap for some reason. Twilight hadn’t seen one of those in years. Not since her grandfather actually. The rest of his clothes seemed more modern, however. Dark but narrow sunglasses, a large brown coat that reminded her of a detective, a dark purple turtleneck sweater underneath that, black pants, and dark brown work boots. He looked quite sophisticated, actually, if a bit rough around the edges… Not at all like the barbarians Five had described.

Then her mind abruptly changed as he stood to his full height. He wore black fingerless gloves, which was currently hovering next to a holster at his hip. She had never seen a device like the one inside that holster but she instinctively knew what she was looking at.

It was a weapon, he was ready to draw it, and he was looking straight at her behind those sunglasses. She needed to say something, calm it down, but no words wanted to form. Even the Think Tank behind her was dead silent. Soon, however, the decision was made for her as the human spoke first.

“Right, I changed my mind. I’m never touching a bottle of booze again. If waking up to find a fucking pony in front of me isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is…” It spoke with a gruff deep voice and an accent she couldn’t place. Twilight Five immediately recognized it as being a deliberately fake cockney accent which caused to end of confusion for the poor mare.

Twilight One however was still hung up on what booze was… She’d heard that word somewhere before… oh right, alcohol! Did he think he was drunk? Made sense, he was sure to be disoriented, maybe he thought he was hallucinating. This she could respond to! “Umm, sir? I can assure you I’m not a hallucination. Though it would probably be a good idea of you avoid alcoholic beverages anyway. It’s not healthy.”

“…A talking pony? Roight I changed my mind again, I’m not drunk I’m high as a kite. Is that a purple lizard over there? Fucking hell I always wanted one of those.”

“Hey! I’m a dragon, not a lizard.”

“I’m gonna call you Puff the Magic Dragon.”

“My name’s Spike! And I’m not magic, she is.”

“It’s true!” Twilight beamed with pride as she prepared to launch into her explanation. “And I just so happened to have used that magic to summon you here!”

“Summon me?” The human looked puzzled and slightly frustrated as it tried to cope with new information.

“Correct. You see, we need somepony of your special talents to help us with a bit of a gang problem. You see the guards and police forces are kinda useless right now…”

“Always have been, that’s not new, luv.”

“Right… Well more so than usual, I suppose. Point is we have a gang problem and nopony to solve it. Will you help us?”

“…Where the fuck am I?”

“Ponyville. A village in Equestria.”

“And you’re a uhh… pony.”

“Right! A unicorn to be exact. We also have pegasi and earth ponies. Also griffons, dragons, and some others but I’ll let you focus on those for now…”

“Lemme guess. Factions no longer getting along are they?”

Spike quickly answered “You got that right buddy. The Brotherhood’s earth ponies, based in Manehattan, are hassling us here in Ponyville but it doesn’t stop there. The Barons are an all pegasus gang based in Cloudsdale, the Conclave is the unicorn gang in Canterlot, and The Family are all griffons. No clue where they’re actually based but they got their talons in everyponies business.” His explanation done Spike crossed his arms and looked frustrated. Just thinking about all the trouble they caused was riling him up.

The human in the room stared at the little dragon for a long while, deep in thought most likely. This was a lot of new information to digest and a normal man would be freaking the hell out right about now. Fortunately, this was not a normal man standing before them. “…Allright Puff, I’m going to along with this for now. I still think I’m hallucinating but maybe the best thing for it is to play along, eh?”

“My name’s Spike…”

“So Puff, pony lady thing, can ya tell me how me mates and I ended up here, exactly?”

“My name’s Twilight Sparkle, and I’d be happy to! What’s your name, by the way?”

“Not important right now… Explanations first, biography later.”

“Fair enough… Let’s begin.”

Meanwhile, in a meadow just outside Ponyville Rainbow Dash continues her practice.

“Pleeeeeeeease, just one more trick?”

“Last one, seriously! I need to see Twilight later.”

“YAY!”

Rainbow had been joined by a very energetic pegasus filly by the name of Scootaloo. Her number one fan was growing on the mare rather quickly. She reminded Rainbow so much of herself sometimes... “Ok listen up, This one is going to go fast so don't blink... This is gonna be sweet!

Rainbow took to the skies and ascended rapidly. This once was going to need a LOT of speed.

Back at the library, on the balcony overlooking Ponyville

“And that is how we get out Cutie Marks!”

It was a good thing the human had long since perfected his pokerface, because he was bored out of his fucking skull right now. Worst. acid trip. ever.

Rainbow Dash was falling, and falling faster. If she went much faster she’d risk doing a Sonic Rainboom but she couldn’t risk that this close to Ponyville. Something about window damage and noise ordinances or something. She didn’t really listen when the mayor was chewing her out.

“Is that a fucking Nyan Cat!?”

“A what?”

“Oh sweet, it’s doing a lood-de-loop! Best acid trip ever!”

“-ugh… these humans were weird-“ Twilight thought to herself.

“Check it out, mate! It just double backed on itself and created a double rainbow across the sky!”

“Yes that’s lovely, now abou-“

“WOOOOOOAH! So intense!”

Much later, still at the library

“And that’s pretty much the situation here in Ponyville. Iron Hart NEEDS to be brought to justice, and I think you are just the pony-sorry… Just the person to help put him away!”

“Makes sense… I am a badass after all. One thing that’s bugging me though.”

“Sure, what’s on your mind?”

“You’re the gang’s unwilling bean-counter, ya?”

“Right.”

“And they come to collect your work every month on the same day, right?”

“Correct.”

“And that day just so happens to be today if I’m reading your calendar right, yes?”

“That’s ri-…. Oh horse apples...”

“You’re fucked, luv.”

“Will you stop cursing like that! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh what am I going to do!? SPIKE! How much time do I have?”

The diminutive dragon was currently peering out the nearest window facing the street. “Well… seeing as I can see Slick and his cronies walking this way right now I’d say none.”

The Think Tank still quietly observing in the corner look horrified at this revelation and scattered. They could not risk being seen by an outsider.

“Ok… This isn’t a problem. I can just hide the humans, pretend I’m sick, and maybe I can get an extension. Step one! HIDE!” Twilight didn’t wait for a response before using her magic to envelop the three still unconscious humans and their phenomenally heavy crate and shove them into a side room, shooing the conscious human into a dark corner just in time to hear the most ungentle knock imaginable. It was as if they –wanted- to break the door down. Which with the second round of knocking they did, actually…

*CRASH*

Twilight stood frozen in place, a look of absolute terror on her face as the pony named Slick stood in her doorway, flanked by his two lieutenants. He was the shortest of the trio but somehow the most menacing. He had a dark brown fur with blood red mane and wore a bulky black jacket that obscured his cutie mark, a uniform and color scheme shared by his friends as well. Scars crisscrossed his face as evidence of previous, but successful, fights. His favored weapon is a switchblade that currently rested in his mouth, ready for action the instant he needed it.

“Miss Sparkle…” He looked to a far corner of the library where he could plainly see the stack of financial records, completely untouched. “I must say I am deeply disappointed in your work ethic.”

“P-please, I didn’t mean to! I lost track of time, you know how I am! Study study study and all that! I-I can promise to have the work done by tomorrow morning, please be patient just this once!”

“Tisk tisk Miss Sparkle… You know better than anypony that extensions don’t just grow on trees. We have policies in place for this sort of thing. If we just let you walk away after disappointing the boss… well it would set a bad precedent. Ain’t that right boys?”

The much larger and much dumber looking bouncers behind him chuckled with a sadistic grin on their faces. As if they already knew what was coming…

“Now I’m going to be a reasonable pony, Miss Sparkle. You’ve been very good about your work so far so I’ll cut you a deal. We will give you the extension. In fact I’ll make it tomorrow evening instead of morning, how generous is that! In exchange, you are going to uh… entertain… my friend here for the afternoon.”

In the dark corner of the library the unnamed human seethed with rage. From his vantage point he could tell the purple unicorn was very confused by that offer. She was naive, innocent, pure, and did NOT deserve the treatment she was about to receive. He had only been in this world for less than an hour but this Twilight Sparkle was quite friendly. And purple. He liked purple. Hard to explain, it was just his thing. And he wasn’t about to let some bruiser mess that up….

“E-entertain? Sure! Sure I… I can put some tea on, I have some comic books in the back I think.”

“You don’t get it do you, Miss Sparkle? Don’t worry, I’m sure my friend can explain it better than I ever could. Go ahead and demonstrate, I’ll give you two some space…”

The largest of the three stepped into the library as Slick stepped out. Twilight didn’t think she could be any more terrified than she was right now, but she was wrong. Slick closed the battered door behind him, and she was alone with a monster. NOW she couldn’t possibly be more terrified.

“So Slick, I give him maybe… ten minutes, tops.”

“Ten? HAH! Five at best.”

“Care to put your bits where your mouth is?”

“Oh it’s-“

*click*

*BANG*

From inside the library and muffled but very audible scream echoed through the streets of Ponyville. “RRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! …Ow my balls!”

Slick looked disturbed. “That… doesn’t sound like a good thing…”

The bruiser of the group crashed through the poor abused door and landed outside with absolutely zero grace. He appeared to be clutching at his crotch where a pool of blood was rapidly forming on the ground beneath him. The look of pain on his face was… extreme.

When the pair of gangsters turned back around to face the doorway they found themselves at a loss for words. A very strange creature stood in the door holding a strange metal device in its arm. It looked pissed.

“Right, here’s how his is going to work, wankers. The librarian, is off limits. Period. You do not. fucking. touch. my bookworm. Although I highly encourage it as I’m a bit behind on my beatings quota for the day.”

Slick stopped listening shortly after the creature mentioned protecting the librarian. That bitch probably recruited outside help. Well if there was one thing Slick knew it was that the unicorn was inept and cowardly, and any help she could possibly recruit was bound to be useless. With this thought in his head he gathered the courage to speak his mind…

“I wonder… You’re clearly not a pony, but do you bleed just as easily as one?” His switchblade was drawn, its slender edge was quick and deadly in the right hooves. His hooves in particular were quite adept at guiding the blade into the neck of any pony foolish enough to cross him.

The human was unimpressed.

“And I wonder why my foot isn’t up your ass!”

“Take him out…”

Slick’s comrade moved swiftly to bring the creature to the ground. He didn’t need to know what it was in order to kill it. But what he did need to know was why his jaw hurt and why the world was suddenly spinning boy the sky sure was a lovely shade of blue today oh hello ground you sure are coming up fas-*clunk*

Slick was impressed, that kick sent his homie in a very nice spiral…

The human wasn’t done. The thug was face down and flank skyward. To a professional this meant the foe was ready to be subdued. To him, this meant his testicles were exposed for the world to punish.

Nut cracking was kinda his thing…

The glinting steel of his pistol was almost hypnotic as it soared through the sky, directly over the disabled earth pony. The human meanwhile dove to the ground and rolled, rapidly appearing directly behind him and was rewarded with a clear line of sight to the pony's reproductive organs. The airborne pistol hit the apex of its arc in the sky as the human reached out to grab it by the barrel. For the briefest of moments Celestia’s sun appeared directly behind hand and pistol, drawing a sinister black silhouette as time seemed to stand still for Slick and the lavender unicorn observing the performance from the doorway.

Several blocks away in the streets of Ponyville

“Hey Caramel, you allright? Why are you crossing your legs like that?”

“Don’t worry about it… Just.. just a sympathy pain is all.”

“A sympathy pain? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t worry, not something a mare could understand.”

Back at the library

Slick was bug-eyed and in pain. He hadn’t even been touched yet but he was in dire pain. He had never seen something move like that before. That maneuver required skill, strength, speed, and the focus of a professional to bring together mind, body, and steel in that well-orchestrated movement. And it had all been to knock a dude in the crotch… His friend was flat on the ground, his legs crossed, a look of horror on his face.

He wasn’t breathing.

“And that ladies and gents, is what I like to call testicular manslaughter! HAH! Who else wants some!?”

Twilight could hardly believe her eyes. She wasn’t even male but that STILL hurt just to watch. She didn’t have much time to dwell on it, however, as the remaining humans inside her library had apparently woken up. She was roughly pushed aside as a female, a male with dark skin, and what appeared to be a bear cleverly disguised as a human all walked outside to confront the source of noise and gunfire.

“Oi! About time you three woke up. Pierce, Shaundi, Oleg, that there unicorn is Twilight Sparkle. And this lil’ blighter is about to run back to his boss and tell him to back the fuck off.”

“W-What the buck are you things!?”

The human smiled… it was a frightening, sadistic smile. It was a smile that could haunt you for the rest of your life if you were on the wrong end of it.

“We… Are the Third Street Saints, bitch!”

“Oh and tell ‘im hello, while you’re at it. Bloody wanker.”