The Great Redneck War of Equestria

Pinkamena Diane Pie crashed into Dreama Starnight.

"Aieeee!" Dreama shreiked as she was bombarded with pink paint.

"That's how we do it in Ponyville, faggot!" Pinkamena insulted.

She walked away, leaving Dreama to fend for herself.

Pinkamena was hit.

Examining the splatter, she saw it to be Fluttershy.

"Fluttershy!" she roared.

She was hit by another paintball. This time red.

The paintballs kept coming, circling around her.

Pinkamena took aim and shot at mysterious attacker.

Rainbow Dash rolled out of the trees, still shooting.

Pinkamena's chest was spattered with multicolored spots, some blending together.

She fired pink balls at Rainbow Dash and missed. Then she was hit on the back of the head by another paintball.

Considering her options, Pinkamena ruled out the Fourth Wall; she couldn't use it when in Rock Farm mode. She could flee, but that would make her a coward. Maybe she could go after Fluttershy, but that would-

A sting interrupted her train of thought. Rainbow Dash looked to her left in fear and flew away.

Suddenly, Celestia burst into sight and started firing her BB gun with a manic glint in her eyes.

Pinkamena shot her a few times with her paintball gun, but turned tail and fled toward Fluttershy.

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Fluttershy sat in her tree with a note of satisfaction. Operation Distract Pinkie had worked. Earlier on, she had made an alliance with Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy distracts and Rainbow Dash swoops in and shoots the living shit out of the poor sap she targets.

Suddenly a brown coat pops into sight. Fluttershy smiles and reloads her gun.

Taking careful aim, she hits the colt right on his flank.

Howling, he wheels around, seaching for his unseen sniper. Rainbow Dash comes in from above, swooping down and turned the colt into a living rainbow.

He's obviously down for the count. Fluttershy thought.

Rainbow Dash turns and heads back to Base T-R33.

Landing, Rainbow holsters her guns under her tucked-in wings. "The Doctor is down. Who next?"

Fluttershy thinks for a second, then says "The Crusaders. Get Apple Cloud after they're gone."

Rainbow Dash nodded. "Got it." she flew off in search of her prey.

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The Cutie Mark Crusaders wandered the large expanses of the garden with their guns at ready. All day they had heard screams and howls around them.

At the announcement of who was out, Scootaloo smirked. She was still rubbing the welt where she got shot.

"Okay, we're going after th' other ponies now. Applebloom, you're the distraction. I'll sneak up 'em an' then shoot. If things get hairy, Sweetie'll use her smokebombs to scare 'em off." Scootaloo explained.

"Sounds good!" Applebloom had no trouble speaking in a Southern accent.

"Sure." Sweetie Belle had a little trouble.

"We go. Applebloom, you walk on up ahead an' Sweetie an' me stay behind." Scootaloo directed.

Applebloom walked ahead noisily, attracting predator ponies. She wailed for effect.

A blue stallion flashed over the trees and peppered the ground with ice blue paint splats.

Scootaloo fired orange paintballs at the stallion.

She got a lucky hit in on the wing, which caused him to careen into the ravine that was twenty feet away.

Suddenly pain shot all up her back. She screamed a warning to the others and Sweetie set off a bomb to mask their escape.

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Rainbow Dash successfully took Scootaloo down.

"Sorry, squirt. Better luck next time," Rainbow Dash murmured.

Rainbow Dash spread her wings and flew through the trees, under the leaves. She stopped and hovered for a second, revealing her suspicions to be true: Somepony was there.

Jumping over the ravine, she blindly unleashed her paintballs upon whoever was down there.

She landed on the bottom of the ravine, a small stream pooling around her hooves. She saw three ponies collapsed around her.

In a fading cloud of red smoke, Sweetie Belle and Applebloom lay on a rock. Groaning, Applebloom struggled to get up.

Rainbow Dash shot her between the eyes. That got her down.

Lying farther away was Soarin'. Her heart clenched, but she fought it with unending paintballs. A moment later, she beat it into submission. For now.

Rainbow Dash took to the sky through an opening in the branches. She twirled in the air, relishing the feel of wind beneath her wings.

Something hit her on her wing base. She was going down, and nothing could stop her.

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Fluttershy raised her eye from the scope. "Bullseye."

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Twilight finished her last trap. Her hat perfectly blended in with the foliage; it was made of leaves.

Her trap design was supposed to take a pony up at enough Gs to knock them out, but without permanent harm to the brain. The result leaves said pony hanging up in the the tree.

Weirdly enough, somepony got caught in one at that very moment.

Twilight rushed over to see who it was. She heard a grunt, probably trying to escape.

Shit. I thought that would work. Twilight thought glumly.

Hanging high above was Princess Celestia. She swag glasses were askew, expression behind them angry.

"Well, look who we have here," Twilight smiled crookedly and levitated the glasses over to herself.

Twilight pulled out her paintball gun and massacred Celestia.

Celestia's BB gun fell to the ground. Upon landing, it shot a BB and hit Twilight in the hoof.

"Ow!" Twilight looked annoyed. She levitated the gun to herself and claimed the weapon. She left.

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When Twilight was gone, Celestia squirmed in the net. She lit her horn and shot a laser straight beneath her, causing her to fall to the garden floor.

"Well, that was easy." muttered the now-purple alicorn.

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Fluttershy sat in her tree, her safe haven. Suddenly, her tree started shaking.

She looked down. Pinkamena was climbing.