Can You Even Love?

by Madame Guillotine

Rating: mature
Tags: Drama, Princess Cadance, Queen Chrysalis, Equestria Girls, Sex, Thorax, Suicide / Self Harm, Sunset Shimmer, Profanity, Violence, Slice of Life, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6
Length: 4754

Chrysalis understood that she was undesirable, that she was rude and was far from sociable. Her self appointed 'therapist' liked to think otherwise.

In Equestria, Chrysalis was a Queen, a Changeling with powerful magic and an entire army at her disposal. Ponies feared the shadows for her children could be there in secret, ready to jump out and devour their love.

But at Crystal Prep Highschool? She was just a socially awkward junior with no future, no friends, and a past that was filled with mistakes and idiotic naivety. She had no future, she had no goals, she had nothing.

And yet, her dear, sweet principal turned counselor said otherwise and refused to give up on her like everyone else.

Published 2020-03-28 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-29 15:12:46 UTC

1 - Talk

Author's Note

Trigger warning for the rest of this story, it'll tackle some pretty heavy stuff. Also, know I am far from a good writer, but I do try my best. Do comment though, love hearing other's thoughts.

1 - Talk

“Hello Chrysalis! It’s good to see you again!”

“Uh...yeah. You too…”

The room was as...pink as ever. She would never understand why Ms. Amore loved the color so much, it made her eyes hurt seeing it all over the walls and the carpet, not even mentioning Ms. Amore’s own skin being a soft pink.

Granted, pink naturally looked good on her, it just wasn’t a color that should be coating every surface of a room.

Stepping further into the room and flopping belly first on the (pink) sofa, she let out a sigh that sent strands of her long, unkept teal bangs fluttering while her heavy boots hung over the couch’s arm. Glancing over at the woman behind the extravagant desk, she let her eyes wander some.

Mi Amore Cadenza, or ‘Cadance’ as she liked to be called, was a beautiful lady with flowing pink hair with golden and violet highlights. That flowing hair did a wonderful job at framing her regal face as if to remind everyone that she came from a powerful, influential family. Plus, in that hot pink suit of hers, she looked like a piece of art.

The exact opposite of Chrysalis.

“Chrysalis? You have that look again.”

She shook her head to snap out of her heavy observations and let out another breath, chin resting on the arm of the couch and eyes staring out the window. She could see the courtyard of Crystal Prep being drenched in rain, a couple of unprepared students fleeing towards the entrance with arms and binders over their head, making her lips twitch into the faintest of smiles.

“What look.”

She ‘asked’, her voice rough and sounding rude almost naturally, her eyes locking onto a girl with long pigtails of beautiful white hair. Absentmindedly, she reached up and ran a hand through her own hair, feeling the rather greasy locks cling to her fingers. Maybe she should try that…

“The look you get when you start thinking little of yourself. The one you’re wearing right now.”

An annoyed sigh left her lips as she turned her head, gaunt cheek pushing into the soft fabric of the couch while she once more looked towards the principal turned personal ‘counselor’. “That’s just my face, principal.” She responded, watching that pretty face of her’s drop into a little frown.

“Chrysalis, please. We’ve talked about this. You can’t help yourself if you continue to think so little of your own appearance.”

“Of course I’m going to think little of my looks.” She snapped, real emotion passing over her usually blank face, teeth bared and eyes widening to show strangely slit eyes. “I’m fucking disgusting!”

“No, you are not,” Cadance said sternly while scribbling something on her clipboard. “You are a lovely young lady who has had an unfortunate experience that I want to help you overcome.”

“Lovely? That’s rich, coming from you.” Chrysalis hissed with a sneer, able to feel her over-pronounced canines poking out from under her lips. “You don’t have constantly greasy hair, or patchy gray skin. You have perfect teeth and normal eyes while I get to look like a demon. And overcome what? It’s happened, it’s done, nothing else to talk about.”

Cadance reached up to rub at her temple, a tired look crossing her pretty little face. “Chrysalis. You know that is an unhealthy mindset to have. Experiences like yours can lead to lasting trauma. I know you’re smart enough to know that.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m also smart enough to know when to mind my own business, so how about you do the same!” Her voice was much lower and came out as a growl while moving so she was sitting up, chewed up nails attempting to dig into the couch cushion. “Just...talk about something else!”

“...alright, I’m sorry for upsetting you Chrysalis.” Cadance said in a more soothing tone, and after a moment of silence to let her calm down, seemed to perk up while those pronounced lips formed a little smile. “Ah, how has your friend Thorax been?”

‘Friend’ was a bit of a stretch for what he was, but she would humor the principal, especially to get away from that particular conversation.

“He’s...fine I guess. Why.” She grumbled, slouching back and crossing her arms over her chest.

Not denying the friend part seemed to make the pink woman brighten up. A stupid thing to get so happy over, but whatever. “Because hanging out with kids your age is progress, and making friends could lead to a better mindset.”

“...cool?” She mumbled with a small shrug. “He’s just some guy I hang out with. Not something to get so worked up about principal.”

Even then, she had that smile of her’s while scribbling something on her clipboard. “Yes, I suppose so. But progress is progress.” She answered before glancing out the window, the rain looking to have only gotten heavier. “Hm...speaking of progress, I can see by your hair that you have been...skipping hygiene again.”

She tensed ever so slightly but tried to stay looking relaxed as she let her thin arms spread out over the back of the couch. “...yeah, missed a shower or two.” She mumbled, eyes looking anywhere but the principle.

“Has...there been a problem at home again?” Cadance asked, and Chrysalis hated how the concern in that kind voice of her’s made her spine tremble. “If so, please tell--”

“No. Nothing’s going on.” Chrysalis quickly shut her down, eyes narrowed and thin lips pulling into a thinner line. “I just...don’t like getting naked to take them...”

That wasn’t a lie, at least.

“I see…” Cadance once more wrote something down on her clipboard, though stopped after a moment. Then sighed and set the board down, hands clasped together and resting on the most likely expensive wood of her desk.

Ah, they were going to try tackling this again?

“Chrysalis...has she tried to call again.”

Instantly, as if someone had snapped their fingers, the room grew ten degrees colder and much darker to the green-eyed girl. Her arms slowly moved until they rested in her lap, and she refused to look anywhere that she could see her principle. After a minute or two, she opened her mouth to speak, to say something, anything.

“...”

But nothing came out.

The sound of well-oiled wheels rolling against the carpet hit her pointed ears, followed by muffled footsteps walking towards her.

“Hey, can you look at me?”

Her voice was so soft that it made Chrysalis grip her skirt and face scrunch up. She hated hearing it, because it made her defenses break down too damn easily.

A soft pink hand came in view and rested on top of her tensed hand, warm flesh resting against cold and clammy skin. Glancing forward, she could see she was kneeling in front of her so they were eye level, so she forced her eyes back to her lap while the hand under Cadance’s own clenched.

She felt sick, like her stomach was trying to implode on itself while her lungs were struggling to unclench and draw in new air. She wanted to leave, right then and there, but that would require her to move and she doubted she would be able to do something like that in her current state. Especially with her principal right in front of her, blocking her escape.

“Chrysalis, Chrysalis I need you to calm down for me sweetheart!” A soft but worried voice spoke to her, and the hand that was on her own had moved and was resting on the back of her head. Then her face was pushed into a warm, strawberry-scented shoulder while an arm wrapped around her too thin torso.

The very sudden physical contact caused her to lock up instantly, tensing to the point that she felt like her muscles would snap. But at the same time, she was able to force a wheezing breath down her throat and could almost taste the perfume on her principal's skin, a scent that was familiar to her.

The hug, which was mostly Chrysalis having a mental breakdown in her principal's arms while her blunt nails gripped her skirt, lasted far longer than it should have. But it did keep her from crumbling into a sobbing mess because she refused to let anyone see her cry of all things. Seeming to feel her body loosen up, Cadance slowly pulled back with a worried look in her lavender eyes.

“She did...didn’t she?”

She said nothing, she didn’t think she would even be able to if she tried. So she simply gave her a small nod, confirming what Cadance had clearly been so concerned about, and watched how a brief flash of anger flickered over her eyes before vanishing behind concern once more. It was rare to see any real negative emotion on that pretty face of hers, and Chrysalis found she liked it quite a lot.

‘Maybe that’s why I’m such a brat to her.’

“Did she text you as well?” She asked, and was disappointed when the long haired girl shook her head. If she had, they would actually be able to prove their claims against the awful woman who had turned Chrysalis’ school days into living nightmare after living fucking nightmare.

But no, as cowardly and short-tempered as she was, Abacus Cinch was not stupid.

“I see...and your phone’s contact history…?”

She thought about staying silent, but one look at that worry filled face had her talking.

“She told me to delete it. I did.”

She was pathetic.

“Honey, look at me.” That gentle voice made her want to scream so damn much, anger boiling and rolling around in her stomach and wishing to come out in the form of scathing insults and venomous words. But she did look at her, and despite how disgusting Chrysalis was, how horrible she was, she was always good at one thing. And that was reading people.

Written all over her new principal's face, was genuine honest to God concern for her. And it made her want to tear out her heart as it sped up faster and faster. It was amazing how a look she rarely ever got made her want to break down even more.

“Don’t beat yourself up about this.” She said while laying a hand gently on her shoulder, the simple touch sending electricity running through her body. “That's the horrible thing about trauma, it can control your actions. You just have to work on resisting that control, and taking it back.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” She tried to snap, but it came out more like a pitiful whisper that made her want to drive her fist into her own throat.

“Maybe it is, but that doesn’t make it any less true.” Her voice was firm but not unkind, when the hell wasn’t it kind? “And that’s why I’ll be there, every step of the way.”

She hated her. Chrysalis hated this woman so much.

And that was why she threw her arms around her neck and buried her face into her warm shoulder, and started to cry all over that stupid pink suit of her’s. She hoped she ruined it. It's what she deserved for trying to help a lost cause like her.

2 - With Friends Like These

"So, tell me about Thorax."

Chrysalis let out a loud yawn as she lounged on the comfortable pink couch, using a freshly chewed nail to pick at her teeth to get a bit of food out from between her sharp canines. Why the hell did they have to meet after lunch? She wanted to take a nap in the supply closet.

"What about him? Just some guy I hang out with." She answered once the stem of the apple she had eaten was finally plucked free and promptly tossed onto the expensive floor. The question was strange in her opinion, why would Cadance want to know about Thorax?

The pretty pink principal just gave her a patient smile while folding her hands on top of that expensive desk of hers, eyes holding a softness in them that put Chrysalis on edge.

"Well, I know you don't like to be around people in general, so to see you hanging out with someone, who doesn't even go to Crystal Prep, simply caught my eye." Her voice was as sincere as ever, and it made the junior student on the couch roll her eyes.

"Geez, if you want to know so much about him..."

She paused for a moment, eyes staring up at the ceiling as she organized her thoughts, lips pulling into a slight frown.

"He's..."

Dry, dark black skin with small divots in the flesh.

Disgusting green eyes with narrow pupils.

Reaching up with a far too thin arm and spindly fingers, she touched the fangs that poked out the top of her lips before hooking her finger under her lip and pulling up. Yellow teeth were what greeted her, most of said teeth being pointed and making her look like a diseased shark. Parting her teeth, she had her tongue slip out, the muscle being a luminescent green and even forked.

‘As if I didn’t look enough like a fucking alien.’

For just a second, she swore she could hear her principal’s voice in her head, berating her for thinking of herself in such a negative light. It just made her growl while pulling her hand away from her mouth so she could reach down and grab a pair of heavy sweat pants that rested in front of her full body mirror. As she got dressed, however, a shiver ran throughout her body as the morning air slipped through her window and over her briefly nude body.

A cold office. A colder woman. Abusive hands and venomous words. Memories that were supposed to stay buried attempted to resurface but she squashed them back into the depths of her mind, and let the groan of her stomach serve as a distraction.

‘...should get some food.’

While the idea of eating wasn’t very appealing, she knew that she had to eat something if she was gonna make it through the day. With a sigh, she stepped out of her barren room and into the hallway, eyes glancing at the three other doors that occupied the walls.

Walking towards the stairs, she paused as she passed the door which led to her father’s bedroom, simply listening for a moment. But she heard no snoring or hint of movement, and so continued on her way downstairs and into the spacious living room. From the large tv to the expertly carved wooden coffee table and a plush black leather couch, it was obvious the house had money.

Not that Chrysalis cared much, it was all her father’s after all.

Making her way into the kitchen, she wrenched the fridge door open and slowly looked over the well-stocked shelves. After a minute she reached in and grabbed a plastic carton of strawberries, using her leg to shut the door before heading into the living room, flopping down on the couch and popping open the carton to grab one of the sweet-tasting berries.

Sitting on a comfortable couch, in a wealthy living room, she looked rather out of place. Wearing a raggedy pair of sweatpants and an oversized shirt with a band she didn’t care about which she may or may not have stolen. Opening the container of the sweet-smelling berries, she grabbed one and popped it into her mouth, the taste instantly covering her tongue and she couldn't help but groan in pleasure.

'Fuck these strawberries are good.'

She was just about to toss another berry into her mouth when the sound of their fancy doorbell rung throughout the house and caused her to pause, berry inches away from her maw. Letting out a growl, she dropped the berry into the container before standing and making her way towards the door, wanting to know who the fuck was at the door seeing as her father wasn't even home.

Grabbing the doorknob and not even bothering to look through the peephole she pulled the door open and glared at the person standing there, mouth open and ready to let loose a venomous 'greeting'--

"Hey, Chryssie!"

--only to promptly snap her teeth shut as she found herself staring at her...friend, Thorax.

The best way to describe Throax was colorful. Despite his sleek grey skin, he liked to wear all kinds of colorful outfits that made Chrysalis's eyes burn, and today was no exception. He was wearing a tie-dye shirt and over it was a green and purple jacket that just hurt to look at. Not to mention he had on a pair of green pants and...those stupid fucking orange crocs.

'I'm going to burn them like I did the others.'

Besides his outfit, appearance-wise, he was a tall, lengthy teen like her and his face was honestly rather cute, especially with the makeup he had decided to wear, simple lipgloss and eyeshadow giving him a magical look while his sleek red hair was pulled into a ponytail, some of his bangs allowed to slip free and hang in front of his face.

He was as colorful as they came, and the smile on his lips combined with the kind spark in his purple eyes made her lips curl into the faintest of smiles.

"Hey Thorax...didn't know you were coming." Her greeting was far from welcoming, and yet his smile seemed to only get wider as he leaned down and placed a kiss right on her cheek, making her tense up ever so slightly

"Well duh, I wanted to surprise you!" He chuckled, smile dampening a small bit as his nose gave a small twitch. "...though maybe I should have come over a bit later. No offense Chryssie, but you smell...really ripe."

Chrysalis could feel her cheeks heat up. She doubted she smelt the best, cheap perfume could only do so much after all, but she didn't appreciate having it pointed out either.

"I don't remember asking for your opinion on how I fucking smell." She snapped, eyes narrowed and lips curling into an ugly sneer. Yet, despite her temper flaring up, Thorax just shook his head while stepping inside, looking like a fashion disaster while standing in the expensive living room.

"I'm just saying, may want to take a shower before we head out." That caught her attention, thoughts screeching to a halt as his words registered in her head.

"Wait, wait. Who said anything about going somewhere?" She asked with obvious confusion written all over her face, and she did her best to ignore the spike of anxiousness that struck her heart.

"A couple friends of mine are holding a movie night at their house, and she wanted me to bring you along!" Thorax said with a toothy smile, showing off perfect pearly whites that made Chrysalis clench her jaw, sharp teeth slotting perfectly between each other behind her lips.

And she couldn't help but ask, with no small amount of skepticism, "Why the hell would she want you to bring me along. I don't know shit about your Canterlot friends and they don't know me."

If they did, that invitation wouldn't have been offered in the first place.

That just got a scoff out of the flamboyant teen, and he walked over to throw his arm over her shoulder, pulling her into a one-armed hug.

"Sweetie, I talk about ya all the time! You're my bestie!" She let out a grunt as he started dragging her towards the bathroom, her eyes narrowed and not pouting. "So they'll know what to expect when we show up!"

"For one," She growled, trying to squirm out of his grip, only to find she wasn't getting free of his surprisingly strong grip. "I never said I was going. And two, I don't feel like taking a damn shower!"

Thorax, of course, just ignored her as they stepped into the sparkling bathroom, a sigh leaving his lips once he closed the bathroom door and let her go and crossed his arms with a small frown on his lips.

"Hmph, if you're not gonna shower, which you really should, then will you at least let me clean your hair? It's more greasy than the fast food place my brother works at."

The idea of only having her hair wash made her relax...slightly. She wouldn't have to strip down or anything and she actually...well trusted him. But the idea of getting water in her eyes, having to close them, and lose her sight just didn't sit right with her.

Jesus, she was paranoid...

"Fucking...fine. Whatever." She grumbled and ignored how the flamboyant teen brightened up almost instantly, that sparkle of his returning to his eyes.

"Atta girl! Let me go grab a chair real quick and we'll have you looking fresh as a daisy!" He exclaimed with a clap of his hands, and Chrysalis caught sight of the purple nail polish on his perfectly maintained nails that she hadn't noticed before and watched as he rushed out of the bathroom to grab a chair.

Despite the nervousness in her chest at the idea of someone touching her hair, of the simple possibility of having to close her eyes around another soul for longer than a second, she found herself able to hold the faintest of smiles. Because she knew, deep down, she did trust Thorax and knew he would never do anything to hurt her, and that thought made her chest feel rather warm.

"...he's alright."

A lackluster response, but there was obvious warmth in her voice as she said it which she was sure Cadance wouldn't miss. At the same time, she reached up to run her hand through her perfectly clean hair, teal locks shimmering as if they held miniature diamonds when the light hit it just right instead of a greasy sheen.

She liked her hair likes this, it made her feel as if she didn't look like the love child between a xenomorph and horse.

Cadance, however, just smiled and seemed to scribble something down on her clipboard. "Well, if you ask me, I think he sounds like a great friend to have around and I'm glad he was kind enough to stay by your side even when he left for Canterlot High."

That was something she was honestly glad about, not having the flamboyant teen at Prep. It meant she didn't have to try and hide her attitude or violent tendencies and he could be happy at his new school without worry of her dragging him down. But that didn't mean she didn't miss eating lunch with him or cheating off his homework.

"So, how did that movie night go?" Cadance suddenly asked, and Chrysalis frowned at the question while she moved to sit up, blowing a lock of floaty hair out of her face.

"Uh...it went well, I guess..."

"Did you have to be so fucking rough!?"

"Honey, your hair was like running my hand through a swamp. I had to."

"It fucking hurt, you asshole!"

"And it was well worth the pain and your scathing words."

Chrysalis let out a huff while crossing her arms over her chest, glaring out the window and ignoring the clean bangs that hung in front of her face. It had taken Thorax a good hour to not only clean her hair but also properly condition and style it to his liking. He had settled on a braid that reached the middle of her back and, just like his own long ponytail, let two bangs rest in front of her face.

Why he did that, she'd never know.

It had then taken another hour for him to actually choose an outfit for her because apparently sweats and a stolen band t-shirt weren't fashionable. Ignoring the fact that he looked like a walking fashion disaster 90% of the time, she'd gone along with it and found herself in a dark violet sweater and black skinny jeans along with her usual buckle boots.

She'd refused to wear any kind of makeup, that was something that she fought tooth and nail about before Thorax finally relented.

A splash or three of strawberry perfume later to cover up her apparently ripe smell and they were hopping into Thorax's little red beetle car, on their way to his friend's house.

"Still wish you would have let me put some green eye shadow on you, it would make your eyes pop!" He whined behind the wheel, making Chrysalis growl.

"I'm not wearing that shit, it makes my skin itch!" It wasn't a total lie, her skin hated a lot of makeup and would get itchy and slightly inflamed after about an hour. But there were other reasons she hated the idea of wearing makeup, reasons that were her own, and no one else's business.

"A small price to pay for beauty, dear." He said while fluttering his long, mascara coated eyelashes, and Chrysalis couldn't help but grin while shaking her head.

"So, who is this friend, and who else is gonna be there?" She asked, something she had forgotten to do thanks to all the hair washing and clothes changing. "And what are we watching? Cause if it's one of those stupid romcom movies, I'm leaving."

Thorax rolled his eyes while taking a turn. "Please, you know I don't watch that garbage either. And we're going to my friend Rarity's house, and I think her girlfriend is gonna be there too but I don't know who else is coming."

"Rarity? She sounds posh, I hate it." She said while pulling out her phone. "And we have to be around...gays?"

That little remark got her an unimpressed glance. "Seeing as there's one in my passenger seat right now, I don't wanna hear it."

"I've come to accept my demons I'll have you know."

"Whatever you say Chryssie."

The two then fell into a comfortable silence, Thorax focusing on the road while Chrysalis messed around on her phone. It was a relaxing drive, that would have been better if it were night and not the middle of the day but that didn't stop her from enjoying the drive.

After about ten minutes, Chrysalis noticed the fancy houses they were beginning to pass. Nowhere near as rich-looking as her own home or the ones surrounding it but it was obvious there was money in this neighborhood. And then Thorax pulled into the driveway of a two-story house with a purple roof and almost spotless white wooden walls.

"Come on, Rarity and Applejack are already inside." He said with a smile while stepping out of the small car. She, however, took a moment to calm herself, heart racing at the idea of meeting Thorax's friends. Chrysalis wasn't a pleasant person to be around, it was just how she was but that didn't mean she wanted to risk hurting her best friend's relationship with his Canterlot High friends.

'Just gotta tone down the attitude and not insult them too much. Easy.'

Nodding her head, she stepped out of the buggy and shoved her hands into her pockets before making her way over to Thorax's side, and she may or may not have been standing closer than normal as they walked towards the porch of the house, her heavy boots impacting the ground with a soft 'thump' that matched her heart in pace. Once in front of the door, Thorax gave the doorbell a ring.

"Coming~!" A flowery, slightly accented voice called out, one that sounded as posh as Father's friends when they came over for lunch, and only one thought filtered through her head as the sound of footsteps grew closer to the door.

'This is gonna be a lot harder then I thought.'

Author's Note

Ayy, chapter 2. I was actually able to make more than one chapter, which is nice.
Uh, anyway, I hope you enjoyed. My Thorax is slightly based off of Twinkletail's from their Snuggly Buggly story, thought it would be cute if he was more flamboyant to make up for the metamorphosis in the show.
Anyho, comment and like, helps keep me motivated to keep writing this random trainwreck!