Chapter 1
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The Tall and Short of it

Chapter 1

{POV???}

I finally got enough money to go to Comic-Con International: San Diego and I was taking the whole week off from work to go. I flew down on Tuesday and went to the Preview Night on Wednesday to see what was going to happen the next day. On Thursday I dressed up in my OC from LOTR, last son and fourteenth child of Samwise Gamgee, Eobard Gamgee complete with gifts from Frodo Baggins to Sam that were given to Eobard upon Sam's crossing the sea. They were the Mithril chainmail shirt and Sting, even though the replica I made of it was trash. I was walking through the seller's hall when I came to a booth that I hadn't seen the night before. Manning the booth was the Merchant from RE4.

“Well you’re quite the strange one, what can I do you for, Stranger?”

I looked around his wares and my eyes fell on the best-made replica of Sting I had ever seen. "How much for the Sting?" I asked him almost vibrating with how excited I was.

“Hmm, that’s quite a risk you’re making, Stranger, I’m holding that for someone else… but, I suppose I could part with it if you gave a good enough offer.”

"How does $150 sound?" I asked since that was all I had except for the money I had for food.

He looked at me, before giving a sly chuckle as he accepted the offered money and handed me the blade. “Pleasure doing business with you, Stranger.” he said then his chuckle soon faded and died as he squinted his eyes at me. "Why are you still standing? You should be out cold by now."

"It's because dear apprentice you have here a rare entity, a baby void dweller." Said a voice from the back of the booth. Walking from behind the booth was what could only be described as a Lovecraftian creature's wet dream. "They are immune to such a low-level of knockout enchantment. So tell me young one what do you want in return for his grievous mistake? It can be anything, anything at all."

I cleared my throat and said. "Who are you?"

"Oh, where are my manners you can call me the Dagon Horror. I'm what you might call a guidance counselor for Void Dwellers. Although you're not even a full-fledged void dweller yet so I would be of no help to you except to give you some extras to help you on your journey. So what will it be?" The Dagon Horror explained

"How about the skills of Eobard and the power of the Gamer from that webcomic I'm obsessed with?"

"Ok, that's acceptable now here is your stat screen so you can use up those points that your character has accrued. Oh and he also has a strength boost of four from muscle training.” He said, a window appearing in front of my view.

Eobard Gamgee (hobbit/halfling)

Lvl: 12

Str: 9 (+6)

HP: 9

Agi: 8

Int: 11

Wis: 11

Luk: 10

Point: 0

EQUIPMENT:

Mithril Chainmail Shirt. Armor Rating: 20

strong as Dragon Scales but light as a feather

Sting (Mithril Dagger): Attack: 10 (+20 to dark creatures).

Unique Skill: Detect Foe - Emits Blue Glow when in the presence of threats. Augments Detection Skills with enemy locations. (E.G. Mini-Map)

Hobbit Cropped pants (cotton). Armor Rating: 1
Hobbit made shirt (cotton). Armor Rating: 1

SKILLS:

Swordsmanship: Lvl6

With Techniques and Movements passed down through generations of warriors, you gain an understanding of how to move a blade and where to strike a foe. Your attack strength is modified while wielding a blade. (does not increase Strength Stat)

Gamer's Body (Passive): max

This skill grants a body that allows the user to live the real world like a game. You receive no physical damage from attacks, only pain for a few seconds and a loss of HP. After sleeping in a bed, you fully regain HP, MP and cure all status effects.

Gamer's Mind (Passive): max

Allows the user to calmly and logically think things through. Allows peaceful state of mind. Immunity to psychological status effect.

Cleave: Lvl 2

A heavy horizontal slash, attack hits everything in an arc in front of the user with heavy force, friend or foe. (Atk + 2%)

Crafting: Lvl 8

A skill creating objects from gathered materials, Crafted objects become better at higher levels. Chance to fail when crafting 20%. This skill is obtained through crafting something.

Archery: Lvl 8

An ancient method of war and hunting, Archery requires a keen sight and a steady hand to truly master. Increased Accuracy with Bow weapons, Higher chance to hit critical points, and an (80+Luk)% chance to instantly regain an arrow on hit.

After inputting all of my points I started to feel light-headed and The Dagon Horror started to laugh. "Looks like you're passing out but as a last little gift I'm going to give you a little help in the form of a Pinkie Sense of sorts. The tells won't be the same but it will work just like it." And at that I passed out.

{POV?!?}

I wake up today, alert, not excited, but having this sense of terror. Unable to shrug it off I rush to my bathroom and look in the mirror. As I approached I saw my eyes were bloodshot, my skin was dry and cracked, and one of my irises was filled with an ominous red glow, the small electronic buzz I heard in my head telling me it was now artificial instead of the original ocular organ.

As I back away I freeze in fear at the sound of mechanical whirling just outside my window, I turn to find, to my horror, a Challenger 2 Tank resting outside, cannon aimed directly at me.

“OH FU-” was all I managed before the discharge, and I knew no more.

{POV The Dagon Horror}

"ANARCHIST GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HERE NOW!!!!" I screamed

The Void Dweller in question appeared before me, holding a planet on one finger as if it were a basketball, the being was human in shape, yet pieces continued to shift between various materials and elements that clustered together, even those that would react violently with each other, but showed no reaction, his finger acting no less solid despite how in the brief seconds it had changed to water, magma, methane and concentrated hydrogen.

“Must you yell, Dags? I’m currently busy reshaping the laws of physics in a human realm, I want to get a few more tweaks in before the Isekai gods come for it.”

"YES… I mean, yes I had to yell or else you would have ignored me." I said frustrated with his antics.

“Oh no, then I’d become predictable, I’ll have you know I’ve also responded to the flatulence of a church mouse.”

"The reason I called you here is that you broke the rules and sent a displaced, to one of my worlds." I said poking him in the chest.

“Oh now, you and I both know rules are meant to be broken, like the one about revealing yourselves to a victim before they are displaced?”

"You know as well as I do that, that rule doesn't apply to baby void dweller victims." I said smugly.

“So then I guess it doesn’t apply to vessels of chaos either?”

"ARE YOU INSANE? PUTTING A VESSEL IN WITH A BABY VOID DWELLER. THAT IS JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE." I ranted.

“I know, I’ve already made snacks for the occasion!”

"Wow, you really aren't a Void Dweller of good merit are you?" I asked afraid of the answer I might get.

“Oh my Dear sweet Dags, I’m afraid you’re only half-right, after all.” He snapped his fingers, and suddenly his ‘ball’ disappeared in an all too recognizable white flash. “Who said I was a Void Dweller?”

{POV Eobard}

I woke up to the sound of a heart monitor. 'Wow, what happened? Why am I in the hospital? Did I faint or something at the convention? Why aren't I freaking out' I thought right before it all came back to me. I was transported to another world by an Eldritch abominations wet dream as my OC. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck." I said to myself as I tried to open my eyes only to have a bandage over my right eye. I sat up in bed and looked at my surroundings. It was a pretty typical hospital room.

Suddenly from my right, I hear a crash, a gasp then the sound of wingbeats before I'm pushed back into a laying down position. "You shouldn't be sitting up yet young sir, you took a nasty fall and hit your head on the pavement." Said a melodic female voice. I turn my head to the voice and I am met with nosebleed material green boobs.

Your health has dropped by 20 points

{POV???}

'Ugh, my head… wait, I’m not dead? Holy shit! I’m not dead!'

“...so it just showed up here?” I heard a voice say as I began to regain my hearing, slowly becoming aware of my surroundings.

“Yeah, just dropped outta the sky, left a pretty big crater, yet the darn thing barely had a scratch.”

“Wow, well whatever it is, it sure looks like some scary weapon, Celestia knows I wouldn’t want to be near that if somepony was using it.”

'Oh fuck I got kidnapped by bronies, didn’t I?' I think as I then ‘see’ my vision return, flickering to life on a hex-grid before I saw things normally, and got a good look at my ‘kidnappers’. 'Oh shit, maybe not…'

“Hey, you, the stallion with the headgear.” I call out with a strange voice I don’t catch immediately, causing the two Soldiers to flinch. “What’s going on? Where am I?... wait, why can’t I move??”

“OH BUCK, IT TALKS?!”

“Alright, gonna add ‘being insensitive’ on top of ‘being kidnappers’, what’s going on… why the scrap are you so tiny? Wait, did I just say scrap?!”

The two screamed as they ran away from me, I turned my head to follow their path and stop when I began to hear mechanical whirring I vividly recall.

That’s the same noise as the tank! Why am I making those noises! I know I can’t move my arms or legs, I’m way bigger than I expect, and they called me a… oh hot damn I’m a fucking TANK!

I found myself, half excited, half panicking, and then later partially sick as I had turned my turret around way too quickly.

“Ugh, okay, never doing that again, I can’t exactly use this thing to take off like a helicopter or something.” I mused. “Okay, take it slow Ark, you just happen to be a sapient tank in a world of medieval era tiny horses, no big deal… I’d ask if I was drugged but last I checked being ripped apart by a 120mm tank shell was very painful and thus it was very real, so I’ve reincarnated as the tank that… killed me… I can already hear the higher-dimensional entity laughing his pants/skirt/whatever off at my ironic expense.”

{Meanwhile}

“HA! That’s funny! I always love the genre savvy ones, they alway give the best snark.” Anarchist mused as he barely made any effort to ‘dodge’ The Dagon Horror’s swipes by displacing chunks of his body out the way.

"HOLD STILL DAMN IT SO I CAN HIT YOU!!!!" The Dagon Horror yelled.

“Hmm… okay!” He acquiesces, turning himself into a single, solid object… made of Orichalcum.

"Oh, you ASS, That's a dick move." The Dagon Horror said holding back his punches.

“I love you too~.” The Anarchist teased as he went back to the show, completely unphased by the fact that he is in a body that should be killing him.

{Back to our story}

Immediately after my musings, I went to work on exploring what I could actually pull off, so far all I had managed was the turret, allowing me 360o vision, and an upward angle of 45o, which considering how many of the sapients here have natural flight, might put me at a disadvantage.

Next was trying to move my tracks, unfortunately the reason I was able to move the turret so easily was because I had the muscle memory for a ‘head’, I knew how to do that, the problem was no amount of limb control can account for wheels, so until I figured out what it felt like, I was stuck… not good considering it’s been an hour since those two idiots left in a panic.

“Come ooooon! I’d settle for just forwards and backward at this point!!” I yelled angrily. “...*sigh* hopefully, someone out there is having a worse day than me.”

{POV Eobard}

"Young Sir, Young Sir, wake up young sir. Please wake up. Oh no, I killed another patient." Said the voice from before as I started to come to.

"Ah!! The breast-er-I mean the best sleep I've had in a long time." I said as I opened my eyes carefully and saw a pair of cerulean eyes above me.

"Oh, thank Celestia, you woke up. I seriously doubt I would have been able to keep my job if I killed another colt patient." She said as she backed up and I was able to get a good look at her and to say she had perfect proportions would be an understatement, she had the proportions of a goddess.

I looked down at myself and saw I was extremely small in most areas compared to her. Except for my feet, which were hobbit/halfling feet. "Excuse me, miss do you have a mirror I could use to look at myself?" I asked and she nodded and left the room. A few minutes later she returned wheeling in a half-length mirror. "Uh...miss, could you help me over to the mirror so I can see myself?"

She nodded and helped me up while saying. "Be careful you took a really nasty fall so if you get dizzy stop moving and lean on me for support ok." I nodded also noticing I only came up to her waist once I was out of the bed.

It was slow going since she wanted me to 'take it slow' but once I made it to the mirror I saw looking back at me what looked like my OC Eobard which I had already suspected but it was another thing to see it.

Gamer's Mind has kicked in and prevented mental trauma.

'Huh, that's handy.' I thought as I continued to take in the changes to myself. I was a whole 2.5 heads shorter than I used to be, my hair was now curly instead of straight, and my eyes were a deep forest green instead of blue.

"Are you alright young sir? Do you need to lay down?" The nurse asked me.

"Eobard."

"What?"

"My name is Eobard Gamgee and I'm twenty-six years old so I'm not a child."

"Ok Eobard, you look like you're tired, so I'll bring you back over to the bed and let you rest." The nurse said helping me back to the bed.

'She's so nice.' I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

{POV Ark}

'ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!'

“Greetings, unknown golem, I am Princess Celestia, I received a letter regarding your intelligence.” The last pony I wanted to see right now said.

‘FOR FUCK SAKE i CAN’T EVEN GET AWAY! I can’t even move and now I have to deal with a Sun Goddess!!’

“Um… hello?” She said, poking at my front.

'Okay, I can feel that, why can I feel that, last I checked Tanks have no nerves!’

After a moment of long, awkward silence, Celestia turned to the Guards that had informed her of the situation. “You said this strangely wheeled construct could speak.”

“It did! We swear!” One of them blurted out at Sunbutt’s unamused expression.

“I do not care how bored a soldier may be at this base, you do not call me over for the sake of a practical joke in the middle of Day Court.”

“But the weapon.”

“ENOUGH!” She said, bucking me back into the base wall, while most would hate these nerves at the expected pain, I thanked them.

Because that kick made my tracks roll, and I felt how that worked, and while I couldn’t exactly compare it to a human limb, I could feel the motion and jump on it!

I didn’t even leave Celestia a chance to react as my engine revved and I abruptly ran the immortal over and rushed out the gate, I couldn’t help but indulge in the sudden freedom and taunted to the recovering Alicorn. “SEE YOU LATER, SUCKERS!!”

I immediately had a conflicted feeling of regret that I pissed her off, and a spark of joy that I no longer had pants to soil as I heard the equivalent of a volcanic eruption sound behind me mixed with a Royal Canterlot Battlecry.

“ohslagohslagohslagohslagoh-WHO IS CENSORING MY DAMN SWEARS?!”

‘Oh… well I can still say damn-’

*BOOM*

“OH DAMN GOTTA KEEP RUNNING! AHA! Maybe I can hide amongst the buildings!” I conclude as I see and then proceed to make a beeline for the nearby city in the distance. “These ponies are lucky, seeing a Tank rolling for its life is probably the weirdest thing that’s gonna happen to them.”

{POV Eobard two hours later}

I woke up from my nap feeling refreshed and invigorated. After being checked over by the doctors and getting a clean bill of health, I'm walking out of the hospital, when all of a sudden I feel the ground start to rumble.

Soon the ground rumbling was accompanied by a roaring engine and heavy metal clanking against the ground, along with fast and erratic whirring of heavy-duty motors, I don’t have time to put the pieces together before a tank lunges around the corner and brakes just inches away from me, cannon aimed directly at my face.

“OH SCRAP IT’S A HOBBIT!”

"FOR THE LOVE OF THE SHIRE IT'S A TANK!" I screamed and ran away.

“Hey hold on a minute-” There was a loud BOOM and a crackling of fire for a second before the guy in the tank called out. “WAIT FOR MEEE!!”

As I glanced back I turned to see the war machine moving faster as an enraged Celestia flew after it, firing blasts of solar magic. 'Glad I'm wearing Mithril' I thought.

Unfortunately, the Tank was gaining on me, the turret’s cannon lowering as far down as it could to keep me in its sights. In a split-second decision, I grabbed onto the turret barrel and climbed it all the way to the top of the tank and then jumped into the cockpit.

“Hey-what the?! Get outta there!” I heard the driver yell… until I realized there was no driver!

"OH SHIT, YOU'RE A SENTIENT TANK!!" I yelled

“Okay seriously, how the Glitch does a Halfling know what the Scrap a Tank is?! SLAG THIS STUPID CENSOR!”

"Because I wasn't always a Halfling. I used to be human."

“Scrap, man, you too? I was one before I ironically got offed by the very Tank I am right now!”

"Wow, all that happened to me was I went to a convention as my OC and was displaced as him."

“Wow… Lucky Junker… *BOOM* you know maybe we can talk about this after Celestia’s calmed her tits.”

"Agreed. So how are we going to do that?" I asked.

“I was thinking of hiding somewhere until she gave up and no longer cared that I ran her over.”

"Uh, Celestia is known for holding grudges." I looked around the cockpit and on one of the consoles, I saw a weird sphere looking thing with a note attached to it.

I looked around and saw another note above a hole in the floor. Walking over to it I bent down and read it.

<Put it inside me~<3 >

"Hey uh, Mr tank…" I said uncomfortably

“yeah??”

"I found a weird sphere in here and a slot it looks like it would fit."

“Well, what are you waiting for? If it’s supposed to be installed, install it!”

"I don't wanna." I said.

“What do you mean you ‘don’t wanna’?!”

"There is a weird note."

“A note? Are you seriously letting a piece of paper dictate-”

"It says 'put it inside me <3'."

There was an awkward silence between us, decorated with small muffled detonations from the outside. “Okay dude it’s not obvious right now but I’m a guy, I don’t swing like that.”

"Yea neither do I." I said slightly more uncomfortable.

“Well… well just rip the stupid note up! I clearly need that part and currently, it’s that or keep speeding down the streets until my fuel runs out and she catches us.”

"Ok, if this does something weird it's on you." I said as I ripped the note up and then inserted the sphere into the hole.

“Woah! I just felt something, like a new muscle, I’m gonna try pulling it!” he said, and suddenly the part sunk into the floor, metal plates shifting over to make a full natural tank floor, before the entire interior lurched and began to start collapsing in on itself, luckily my surprised movement had me right where the hatch was. I quickly climbed the ladder and jumped to the ground.

As I got up and turned back to the tank in response to a strange noise, I looked to see Celestia frozen at the same sight I was. The vehicle shook violently before the left and right tracks split in half, plating emerging under the skirt to wrap around and cover the tracks, then as they unfolded they split again, collapsing into four bulky limbs. Next the pair at the back collapsed inward and flattened against the ground, the ends unfolding into feet while the front pair revealed sharp, angular claws. The new arms and legs worked to push their torso upright as it also, folded around and shaped into a more obvious torso shape. The tank’s turret, now on its back, proceeded to swivel the cannon downward before the entire assembly launched up, the cannon and central section violently separating from the rest that had reshaped into a flat, triangular chestpiece. Back to the turret, I saw the cannon barrel extend into segments before dropping down to the back, akin to a thick cord or ponytail, the only addition was the sudden and loud *SCHING!* as a scythe blade emerged at the tip. As plates shifted and move I finally got a glimpse of a face, a crimson cycloptic eye glowed menacingly while the rest was covered by a sort of mask before I could see. As he stood he slowly turned around on the spot as I saw something on his shoulder.

A partially scratched off Decepticon insignia, an Autobot one rather haphazardly spray-painted over it. I immediately got in a defensive stance.

{POV… Viper-Lash}

“By the Allspark… I’m a Transformer?! Moreso, I’m MY OC?!” I blurted out in surprise, only now beginning to put all the pieces together.

"You too?" The halfling queried, lowering his sword.

“WHAT IN THE BUCK?!” I hear Celestia yell out as I turned to face her, all animosity lost in place of confusion and shock.

I promptly took that moment of her Stupified state to fucking book it around a corner and down the street, side-stepping into an alleyway a second into my sprint.

I took a few seconds to let Celestia dash by my hiding place, then a few more before I gave a sigh of relief and walked out into the street again. “By Primus, my kingdom for a Slagging ground bridge right about now.” I say idly as I walk away in the opposite direction.

"HEY WATCH IT!!" I heard from in front of me.

I freeze up, and step back as I look down and see the halfling from before. “Heh, sup little guy?”

"HEY, THAT'S OFFENSIVE!!" He yelled.

“Why? Everyone’s little to me, apparently.”

"It's still offensive." He said while climbing up my leg.

“Dude, what the actual Scrap are you doing?” I say, very much not liking the sensation of something climbing up my leg and instinctively tried to shake him off.

"Sorry if this feels weird, I didn't know how else to get to your shoulder." He said as he just barely made it up to my torso.

I promptly picked him up by his shirt and unceremoniously lifted him up to my face. “Dude, there’s this really neat little concept of Glitching ASKING!!”

"Heh heh, sorry." He said sheepishly.

I set him on my left shoulder. “Keep an eye out for if I decide to look right, okay?” I say, demonstrating why as I looked left and as expected, my corded cannon swung out and whipped over my right shoulder.

"Ok."

“So!” I clapped my hands together. “Got any ideas on what we should do now?”

"Yea get the fuck as far away from here as we can, because she is scary." He said, pointing to our left.

“Yeah, but run where? Last I checked we’re on a whole ‘nother country, on a whole ‘nother planet, with no sense of direction or knowledge of where in the timeline we are?”

"How about the Everfree?" He suggested.

“Hm… well it’s better than what I have right now, hold on.” I put him down and flex that muscle from before, my T-cog, again, transforming back into the tank, the feeling of each piece moving into place giving me a full awareness of what I could do as I pop open the hatch. “Get in.”

"Ok, oh and the name's Eobard Gamgee."

“If we’re going character names, Call me Viper-Lash.”

"It's mostly because I don't remember my old name. I remember everything else but my name. It might be because of the fall or it could be Void Dweller shenanigans." Eobard said as he climbed into the cockpit.

“Well, let’s roll out.” I said with an audible grin as we headed out of the city.

I heard a smack come from the cockpit. "Seriously, roll out couldn't you have been original in your phrasing."

“Good halfling, I am a Transformer, there was NOTHING, not even Unicron with a wedgie, that was gonna stop me from saying that line when I had the chance.” I say in a rather posh accent.

"You actually make a valid point there. And as the good Pippin would say,
Home is behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadow
To the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall
Fade." Eobard said in a rather good impression of Pippin.

“Eh, the only thing I remember from that universe was all the funny lines from Shadow of War, ‘Pincushion! Prick! Prick! Prickle!’” I exclaimed, giving my turret a single spin at the last word.

"Never played the game." Eobard said in his own voice.

“Fair enough… say… there’s a big red button in here!” I say, clearly not having an actual red button, but definitely able to feel something. “It says ‘Energon Injection Amplifier’, I think that means It’s a kind of nitro boost.”

"Oh please no there's no seatbelts in here there isn't even any seats-oh wait here's one."

“Buckle-up mother-trucker.” I flip open the valves and feel a sudden rush of energy to all my systems, I didn’t even fully comprehend the boost until my exhaust started spouting blue fire as I literally tore through the road out of the city.

"HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY SHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I heard from inside the drivers cubby.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” I say before suddenly, when we were miles out, the valves slammed shut subconsciously, and I felt… very tired. “...oh Scrap, immediate regret.”

"What happened?" I heard Eobard ask sounding kind of queasy.

“I don’t want to alarm you… but I think I burnt through over half of my energon reserves going fast.”

"Fucking idiot now what are we supposed to do if you run out? Huh?" Eobard says angrily.

“Oh sure, yell at me, it’s not as if I’ll DIE when I run out, is it?!”

"I'm sorry I spoke harshly to you I'm just really tense right now." Eobard explained.

“Right, it’s fine, no big deal, if I’m as accurate to the original Viper-Lash as I think I am, all I need is some raw Energon crystals.”

"Ooook, so all we have to do is find Energon crystals on a planet with magic?" Eobard queried

“Well Energon was never meant to be found on Earth either, it’s the result of Old Cybertronians launching massive payloads of the stuff off of Cybertron in case Scrap hit the fan. It went in every direction, not too out there to say Equis got a helping of it, but the trick is to find it, I think due to Equestria’s magic, the glowing blue crystals will most likely congregate near any gems or crystal formations that exist in caves, canyons, and other such places.”

"Well, what about the gem field outside of Ponyville we could kill two birds with one stone?" Eobard said with a gleeful laugh.

“Yeah, sound’s good.” I turn for a moment. “Um… which way is Ponyville?”

"Want me to put it in the EPS in here?" Eobard asked.

“GPS is still a viable name, since despite it not being Earth, Equis is still spherical and therefore a globe.”

"It seems to be a GPS with an Energon detecting function." Eobard said

“The heck did you find that? I don’t remember him having that function.”

"It was in the main cockpit with a note attached to it. ‘Here, use this to cause some mayhem. Sincerely, The Anarchist’.”

“Huh… convenient, what shape is it?”

"It's a cube with cords coming out the back." He said.

“Alright…” I decide to focus carefully, using the T-cog to open up the tank panels and reveal a socket for the device’s description. “Like this?”

"A little deeper but yeah like that."

“Ooh, you wanna push it all the way in, Eobard?” I say, trying to hold in my laughs.

I heard a loud smack. "Be serious, this is no time for joking." Eobard said

“Okay, okay, just could you do one thing?”

"What is it?" He asked

“Be gentle, it’s my first time~.” I couldn’t hold it in, and just proceeded to laugh my exhaust off.

All I heard was a bunch of banging around inside as Eobard raged for a good twenty minutes. "You cocksucking Mother Fucker!"

“Heh, sure, insult the giant transforming robot like it cares.” I retorted.

"Well you want the EPS so bad?! here!!!!" Eobard then violently slams the device into the slot

“GAH!! GLITCHING SON OF A SCRAPLET! UNICRON’S EXHAUST! PRIMUS DAMN IT TO THE PIT!”

"What?"

“Nevermind!” I did a quick check. “Good news! The system installed successfully.” I say as I sink it into my interior like with my T-cog before. “Bad news, it really freaking hurt!”

I barely heard him mutter the words "it better have" from the drivers cubby.

“Okay, I’m actually reading several energon signatures, but the biggest near-surface deposit is… this way.” I turn and head in the direction. “From the immediate readings, they’re all in the same tunnel network, but spread out except, and here’s the kicker, in one spot where they have been haphazardly piled up, unfortunately because of that, I can’t map out the complete network or even find an entrance from the surface.”

"So how do you want to go about subduing the Diamond Dogs?" Eobard inquired.

“Hmm, yes, I wonder how a giant robot death machine is going to deal with a pack of dogs who could barely handle one mare’s whining.”

"Yea I know that but said robot is also too big to fit in the burrows." He quipped.

“No, but then again I am very big and heavy, we can demand surrender, and if not… well, Viper-Lash was a miner before he became this.”

"Huh, that's convenient! So how do we start?" Eobard asked as he climbed out of me onto the barrel of the turret.

“Well first, I recommend you be careful up there, the turret’s acting as my head, and I don’t wanna know what’ll happen if I have the urge to sneeze.”

"Hehe, sorry I'll just climb back onto the roof now. So what is your plan to get them out here?"

“Like I said, you go in, demand their surrender or else I start throwing my weight around on the surface, making their stable tunnels a little less stable, then I dig up the rubble and take the energon that doesn’t powderize.”

"One problem with your plan if you collapse the tunnels with me in them I could die." Eobard said putting emphasis on the word die.

“That’s why you give me a signal… somehow… scrud, I forgot about that part, we need a way to communicate from long distances, this isn’t exactly a game where we can party up and use a chat window.”

"Well, about that…." Eobard said, scratching the back of his head with a nervous chuckle.

“what?”

"Party invite: Viper-Lash" Eobard said, then a window popped up in front of me.

“Oh Frag! You have The Gamer?!”

"Yea, sorry I didn't tell you sooner I was kind of nervous about telling you." He said.

“Don’t be, this is so cool!” I promptly accepted the Party Invite and saw the basic Party window. “Oh! That means you can see tags above people, right? What do I have?”

"You know what, I haven't been looking. I had completely forgotten about that little ability."

As he got off me, I transformed so it’d be easier to see where it's, but when he looked up, I grew concerned as to what he was seeing.

{POV Eobard}

What didn’t get me was the Level, or the name-plate as he mentioned it before, what concerned me was the title he was given.

[Shockwave’s Masterpiece]

Viper-Lash

LV ???

“What? What does it say?”

"I don't really want to say." I said kind of scared.

“Oh, I get it.” He muttered darkly before his singular optic squinted into a glare. “I’m underleveled, aren’t I?”

"No it's not that, it's more the title that has scared me." I said

He stood back up, and took a few deep breaths. “Right, so what is it? ‘Megatron’s Pet’? Oh! What about ‘Horrific Science Experiment’? ‘Unwilling Decepticon’, ‘Tox-En Breather’, ‘Autobot Slayer’? Am I getting close?” He seemed… slightly angrier than one who was in the body of a character, sounding almost like he lived it, though he didn’t seem to notice.

"No, it's 'Shockwave's Masterpiece'." I said.

I saw his red optic flicker a sickly green for a moment before he yelled, stabbing his now heavy-looking claw blades into a nearby tree, shattering it. “That… that butcher has no right to any part of me!! I am my own mech, Dammit!!” He breathed for a few moments before he caught what he said. “Wow… lost it for a minute there.”

"It's all cool dude, at least you didn't slag me." I said using his slang to better get the point across.

“Don’t you start.” He said with an audible grin. “I feel bad enough that I’m stuck saying those cheesy swears, I don’t want to have you catch this too.”

"Hey, there we go, a grin. I figured that would break your funk." I said with the biggest shit-eating grin.

“Yeah.” He seemed to do some stretches for a bit and hummed a thought. “Hey, is it cool if we walked from here on in? It feels like it takes less energon to stay in this form than it does to stay the tank… a lot less.”

"Sure, as long as you don't mind a passenger!" I said. He chuckled and lowered his now reformed hand to the ground. I walked up to his hand and tried to climb on but it was too high. "Hey can you just pinch the back of my shirt and lift me that way?"

He gave me a half-lidded stare, before pulling back and slamming the back of the open hand into the ground, partially burying it so it was level to the ground. “Anything else, your majesty?” He asked sarcastically.

"Hey it’s not my fault I'm so short!” I replied indignantly as I got on the palm, which he lifted to his right shoulder shortly after.

“Well you did go to a convention in a Halfling costume so technically-"

"NOT ANOTHER WORD." I said through gritted teeth.

We continued on our way to The Diamond Dog’s tunnels, Viper looking around before he stopped and stared intently on the dry, cracked ground of our surroundings. “I recognize this place, don’t you?” He said, a hint of almost nostalgic wonder in his tone.

"Yea, it's the gem quarry from the show." I said in wonderment.

“Not just that, look at the holes, this place was dug open recently, and it precisely hit gem deposits and actually missed Energon crystals, a Diamond Dog would be more erratic and take whatever looked shiny. This is Rarity’s work, she was here.”

Suddenly I faintly heard a very familiar voice. "I am a lady, and I wish to be addressed as such!"

"Hey Viper, did you hear that?" I asked.

“Hear what?”

"It sounded like Rarity was spea-"

"This is whiiiiiiiiiiiining! OOOOH this harness is too TIIIIGHT! It’s going to chafe, can’t you loosen it?! Aaah!! It huurrrts and it’s SO NASTYY!"

"AH! MY EARS!!!!" I yelled

“Dude, what are you hearing?? You part canine or something?!”

"No, I have very sensitive ears due to my training with my father over the years. Wait, where did that come from, I didn't train for years?" I said confused.

“Sounds like I’m not the only one getting episodes.” He looked at the holes. “By the Allspark, if it’s bad enough when they’re a few miles underground, imagine what it’s doing to those dogs, heh… at this rate we might just be able to ask nicely for the Energon.”

"I highly doubt they would just give us the Energon even with the whining." I said still trying to clear my ears after that ear rape of a whine.

“True, but they might be more receptive of a better arrangement, I was expecting us to find them while they were still greedy and scheming, but if they’re brought to heel by Rarity and we show up after, I think we can easily make a deal of helping them restore their gem hoard in exchange for the ‘shiny blue gems they can’t use’.” He seemed in thought for a moment. “That is if you can stomach more of her… talented vocal cords.”

"I think I can manage if I can borrow some earplugs from you." I said hopefully.

“Earplugs? I don’t even have ears! Wait… you got Gamer powers yes? Options menu? Stuff like that?”

"Yeeeeaaaaah. Hmm, I think I know where you’re going with this. 'Volume' right?" I asked.

“Mhm, just make sure to turn on subtitles so I don’t need to use sign language, okay?”

"That's a 10-4 good buddy." I said then I intoned 'options', as I did a window popped open, revealing the basic options like ‘graphics’ ‘audio’ and ‘gameplay’ options, there was even a ‘personalization’ menu that was most likely to tweak the HUD. I poked the 'audio' option and a different screen popped up, there were several volume sliders for voice, SFX, and even a fully turned down background music slider, a tab to dictate audio effect quality, and a check-box for subtitles, currently unticked. I rectified the subtitles first then moved on to the NPC Voice slider and turned it way down to almost off and hit apply. Then I said to Viper "Say something to me so I can see if it worked." I asked of him.

“I’m partially worried I may have contracted my character’s phobia of scraplets, I saw a spider crawl by and immediately flinched.”

"Yea, you still come in loud and clear. What's a scraplet?"

“Little skittery vermin that swarm like roaches and like to devour anything metal, especially the kind that has energon running through it en masse, add to the fact that they fly and breed faster than parasprites and you have something out of a Cybertronian’s worst nightmares.”

"Oh, you mean those little buggers from that one episode?" I asked.

“They’re terrors for sure, far more than you can hope to imagine, Crystal-Point didn’t just see someone get attacked by scraplets, he’s a survivor of one, he was barely a mech that came of age and the next day he was in the hospital with 50% of his own body chewed down to the wires and needing to be on an Energon IV just to remain stable, you don’t get up from that without more than just physical scars.”

"Wow, that's hardcore and a little sad. Wait who's Crystal-Point?" I asked

“It’s who Viper-Lash used to be before Shockwave got his servos on him, even if I was born this bot, I still wouldn’t feel right referring to Crystal-Point as myself… for all its worth, that bot died that day on Cybertron, and both Viper and I would rather remember him as his own bot, rather than what we became.”

"Wow, that's deep." I said in a contemplative way

“Yeah, once I finally get a refuel and we make a camp to recharge, I think I’ll let you in on my story, sound good?”

"Yea and I'll do the same." I said resolutely.

“Right… now first off, we need to make sure we don’t stick out like a sore thumb.”

"Oh shit, I forgot again that I need to learn an observe skill." I said while facepalming.

“Hm… observe skill, eh? How about I help you out then.” He points out to the rocks nearby. “Help me find a big rock, one that seems good to hide behind and has a similar colour to what’s around.”

I looked around for probably five minutes before a status screen popped up.

A new Skill has been created: By working to pay close attention to one’s surroundings, the Observe skill has been acquired.

Observe Lvl 1: Gives basic details of a target object.

I used observe on a few of the rocks and this is what I got.

Rock
A hardened chunk of earth.

Level Up
Observe skill is now lvl2
Level Up
Observe skill is now lvl3

I used observe on Viper and was surprised to see I could see his stats now even though they were question marks. I looked towards the bottom of the screen and saw his skills an a pretty basic description of him.

Viper-Lash
LV ???
Str:?
Agi:?
HP:?
Int:?
Wis:?
Luk:?
Titles: [Shockwave’s Masterpiece] [Freed Slave] [Distrusted Autobot] [Megatron’s Warhound] [Repenting Slaughterer] [Honorable Warrior] [Experienced Miner]

Skills: Energon Processing, T-cog Control, Alternate Form, Weapon Switch, Energon Blast (Variable), Energon Claw-Blades (Variable), Energon Breath (Variable), Tox-En Production, Subspace Control, Energon Fangs (Inject and Drain, Variable), Part Replace, Energon Infusion (Variable), Spark Corruption, Dig.

Description: Once the humble miner Crystal-Point, this bot was sought after by Megatron for his internal energon refinery, now the result of Shockwaves twisted experiments, Viper-Lash has become a ferocious war-machine who was in service to the warlord, armed with the power to produce and metabolize Toxic Energon for both basic use or to infuse his own systems with the poisonous material.

Viper-Lash was Megatron’s most loyal soldier, and until Viper finally escaped Cybertron with the Autobots, you would’ve believed that lie too.

"Wow, just wow." I said in disbelief.

“What? What are you ‘wow’ing at? Did you just look at my stats?! Pervert!” He said, covering himself with his arms.

"I was wowing about your description in your stats." I then told him all the titles, how his stats and level are question marks and what the description said.

By the end, he had crossed his arms and huffed. “Well… I at least like two of those titles, why couldn’t I have had Honorable Warrior show up instead of the one you saw?” He said as the tag switched the title to suit his desire.

"Wow, you just changed your title like *SNAP* that, now that's cool."

“I think the system changed it because I showed the desire to go by that title, it was certainly not intentional, and from where I stand having the system able to change to other earned titles based on user desire seems like the most logical conclusion.” He froze up, and his eye flickered green again as he dented a boulder with a punch. “FRAGGING PIT! I just sounded like that Piece of Slag!”

"Wow, someone has a bit of an emotional problem." I said sarcastically

“Oh, I’m sorry, let’s see you get ripped apart and put back together as a ‘Frankenstein's monster’ wannabe while still conscious and still keep a level head!”

"Sorry, hehe, hit a nerve didn't I?" I asked while rubbing the back of my head.

He blinked slowly, and fell on his aft. “Oh… sorry man.”

"It's all good, no trouble here." I said patting the side of his head

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t let my emotions get the better of me like that, my body just… remembers the pain.”

"Want to hear something funny I did to the grumpy old man from the Shire?" I asked

“Only if I get to pay a funny story with a funny story.”

I just shrugged. "Sure. So one day the old man was giving me a rash of shite about something or another and I just turned around and gave him a full moon with twin stars." I said and I fell off his shoulder because I was laughing so hard.

“Wait, you gave the guy a look up your tail-pipe and at your bearings?”

"Yup."

“Dang… now I’m not sure if my story’s gonna hold up.”

"Just tell it anyway, it's probably just as funny." I said after catching my breath.

“Alright, alright, so there I am, me, Bee, Bulk, Arcee and Optimus Fragging Prime were in Earth’s orbit, on the clock to stop the Spacebridge from bringing forth a horde of Terrorcons for Megatron to use in his army, we needed to keep the Vehicons and the big bad himself busy while part of the team sabotaged the device and set it to overload, I knew Megatron would catch wise of what was going on when he saw only half of us fighting him, so I needed to get his Energon boiling, so the moment he started questioning the fewer numbers, I went ‘Hey Megatron! I learned this from the humans! What do you think?!’” And then he proceeds to flip out the double-bird.

"Ahhahahhahahaha. Seriously?" I asked while rolling around on the ground

“It actually left him stumped for a good few seconds before, something I had learned later, that Soundwave informed him of what the gesture meant in human culture and the cybertronian equivalent of that meaning. Needless to say Bulkhead respected how I had the bearings to use a human gesture to insult the Decepticon warlord, it made all the rage-fueled and dark energon enhanced punch dents in my frame worth it, and only lucky that he wanted to batter me for a much slower death than simply using his cannon or sword.”

"Wow, that does take some pretty big bearings to do. So how are you still alive after that?" I asked getting up off the ground.

“Well despite how much I hate Shockwave, he does good work remodeling a miner into a warrior class frame, this armor’s thicker than it looks, and although one of my arms was a bit mangled...” He grabbed his left forearm with his right hand, and after a whirring, followed by a click, the limb fell off the joint and held it up. “I had plenty of spares… not so much now.” He commented as he reattached the part.

"You can just make more, right?" I queried

“That requires materials, and we’re currently in a medieval-esque era where one of the biggest innovations happens to be a wooden steam-train, I know how to make more, but Crystal-Point was an Energon miner, that’s far different from an ore miner, let alone an ore refiner. I could only make the spares I had in the Autobot base because I was provided the refined and prepared materials.”

"So if I understand correctly you don't have the equipment to do it?"

“More like the materials.” He shifted one of his arms into a kind of plasma torch. “Torture equipment is surprisingly just as effective in construction.”

"Wow, that's….cooool." I said as I started backing away from him.

“Hey, buddy, remember. I had no input in what Shockwave put in my body, there’s actually some things in here that I didn’t even know I had, and that’s coming from the guy who wrote the character.”

"Like what?"

“Like this.” his left arm returned to a hand form while his right-shifted and produced a strange-looking device, a focusing crystal at the center with the three outward prongs generating thin blue beams at the tip, he brought the tool to his face, his eye holding a sense of… nostalgia. “Hello, old friend.”

What is that thing?" I inquired as I stepped closer

“This is an Energon Extractor, or Energon Drill, like the Harvesters of ancient times, this was designed to pull Energon towards it or simply dig into materials to collect it physically, since the former causes a steady drain on the user if not careful. The difference between a Harvester and an Extractor, however, is that an Extractor doesn’t have the mystic flow to allow the Energon to ethereally channel into the device, if the Energon has something blocking its path, it will rather violently go through it, which is why you need a permit to wield one of these.”

"That's actually pretty dang cool." I stated matter-of-factly.

“Yeah… now imagine what would happen if Megatron ever realized and ordered me to point it at an Autobot."

"All I can see is Autobots laying on the ground with big holes in them being completely drained of Energon." I said kind of scared again

“Calm Down Eobard, you’re acting like you have Energon for this thing to suck up.”

"I know I don't but I have magic in my blood that could react to the drill."

“Really? I don’t think so…” He said, my gaze drawn to the drill that was pointing at me and glowing, most likely for a while, before he aimed it elsewhere and an energon crystal launched itself out of the ground and clung to the crystal like a chunk of metal to an electromagnet, then he turned it off, causing the chunk to fall and clatter to the ground. “See?”

"Huh, well what do ya know it won't affect me." I said happily.

“Though I won’t fault your thinking, ever since we partied up, a unique twist is that my ‘MP’ bar is actually an ‘EP’ bar.”

"WE'RE COMING TO SAVE YOU RARITY." A voice yelled from the caves followed by the sound of digging and barking. "Uh oh!"

“Won’t be long before they find Rarity and the Dogs just give her back.” Viper said in a self-assured voice.

"Hey Viper since we have to wait anyway, why not use that Energon shard at your feet to help with your low levels of EP?" I said pointing at said shard.

“Good idea, I think it’ll restore a good chunk.” He picked it up.

"Now you have to process it, I know you have that Energon conversion ability but do you even know how to use it? Or even how to-*SHING*- OH SHIT THATS FUCKED UP!!!!"

What I was referring to was Viper-Lash’s mouth, instead of the sort of mouth I expected Cybertronians to have on the show, his was several rows of sharp serrated teeth not unlike those the Insecticons had, I watched as he placed the crystal into his mouth, and the rows behind the main jaws shifted and moved the drag it in before the mask closed up, and he gulped, the soft hum of the converter activating as it got to work.

"That was pretty fucked up dude." I said while shivering.

“Well yes, the ‘ultimate warrior’ never had the requirements to be attractive or kissable, it’s kind of the worst irony, here I am, a genuine transformer… and I end up the one least likely to ever find a Sparkmate.”

"Nah, dude you could probably get an Insecticon with that mug." I said while laughing.

“Yes, and I see you, your wife, and a stepladder in your near future.”

"FUCK…YOU!!!!" I said flipping him the double bird

“Also, you know every known Insecticon is an asexually reproducing Mech, right? And the closest Femme insecticon I know of is Airachnid, and I turned her down for good reason.”

"What just because she is a little bit of a sadistic black widow?" I queried.

“That and despite these suckers,” He revealed his teeth and the extendable fangs before closing the mask back up. “I am not that kinky.”

"Does that mean…." I said trailing off.

“Let’s just say that my first willing act to help the decepticon cause was stopping future Vehicons from accepting her proposals and leave it at that, true it was selfish because my recharge chambers were next door to hers and no amount of soundproofing stopped the screams.”

"Ooooook then, moving on. looks like the girls are coming out of the mine." I said having noticed them coming out.

“Scrap!” he yelled, picking a nearby rock to scan and transforming once his plating matched the texture and colour of the stone.

This however was not the highly-detailed earthly tank form he was in originally, but rather a sleek, angular, and futuristic alien craft that resembled a hover tank of science fiction, the rather minimalist form easily allowed him to look more like a uniquely shaped boulder, especially once he had shut off systems and ceased hovering. I just simply walked behind him and leaned up against him and waited till they were gone all except one who came over and dropped an envelope next to Viper then pronked off.

“...you read it, it might be booby-trapped.”

"Fine, but if I pass out it's your fault," I said as I go and pick up the envelope. I open it and it says:

I looked In the envelope and saw what looked like a picture, I pulled it out and almost died. It was a naked picture of Pinkie Pie with some dobanhankaros. Next thing I know I get a system message from the gamer:

Arousal Shock Attack
You take 20 nosebleed damage and are KO'd

{POV Viper-Lash}

Immediately the sound of spurting blood alerted me and caused me to transform to my bot mode, shortly after I took a look at the side of my calf and groaned. “Oh come on, you got it on my paint…” I blinked and slammed my palm right into my faceplate. “Dear Primus I’m starting to sound like Knockout.”

Concerned for my current ally’s safety, I picked up the picture and slipped it into an opening in my arm, letting it disappear into my subspace before reading the letter myself. “... I’m not even going to ask…” I let out a sigh before picking up the unconscious and… leaking halfling from the ground, carrying him to one of the still open holes and sitting him down next to it. As I waited for him to regain his senses, I proceeded to mine the surface of the energon deposits resting just under the ground to restore my own supply.

Energon tastes… interesting in its raw state, it was hard to compare to human foods but… it’s like if you pulled out a large rock of sugar from the dirt and ate it, not the best but you could still stomach it.

Well, despite not having lips I still have a tongue… though actually the implications of such seem much worse… dammit! I wish I had lips like a normal cybertronian! The teeth are fine but sweet Primus it feels like my mouth is pulled back into this permanent snarl and I don’t like it!!

After finishing up and getting my energon levels to a more comfortable state, I just sat down and waited for Eobard to wake up, which he eventually did.

"Oh shite, I feel like I got hit by a train, what the fuck happened to me?" He said in a groggy voice.

“Welcome back to the land of the living, Shot-glass.”

"Shot-glass?"

“Well I thought Half-pint would be too generous.”

After a sharp inhale Eobard started to rage. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" He said in a good impression of the RSV

“Wow… I’ve heard of people with big lung capacities but damn.”

Suddenly, a very recognizable figure popped out of the hole, clutching his ears. “Hey! Keep quiet! We’ve had enough of-WAAAAHHHH!! SHINY GIANT! HIDE!!” Rover yelled as he lunged back into the earth.

"Well now it should be easy to get them to cooperate with us." Eobard said

“Well then! Go get ‘em, slugger!” I cheered him on as I gave him a ‘helping’ back-pat into the hole to go after the D-Dog.

{POV Eobard}

"AAAAAASSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLLLLLLEEE!!!!!!!!!" I yelled as I was falling down the shaft. When I hit the bottom I was surrounded by Diamond Dogs who all had the same title [Diamond Dog Guard].

“Don’t move, weird short pony!” One yelled, aiming a spear at me.

"Well for one I'm not a pony I'm a hobbit and two *Shing* don't point things at me," I said as I used sting to chop off the heads of their spears. "Now take me to your Leader," I said and they in fear took me to a monument.

“… But Alpha said no visitors here.” one of the guards said only to get slapped by another one.

"This is our leader, not she-dog." The one who slapped the first one said.

“You want go tell her that, fine by me.” The slapped one barked back angrily.

"Well, whatever you're arguing about I don't care because that's a dwarf from Middle-Earth." I said as I looked at the plaque on the monument:

“Middle-Earth? Then is this Top-Earth or Bottom-Earth?” One of them asked.

"No Middle-Earth is on another world far from here. It is where I am from." I explained.

“If it’s so far away, then what are you doing in my tunnels?” A new, female voice growled out. “Rover’s already got me dealing with enough bullshit without new ponies showing up where they’re not wanted.”

"I apologize, good miss but I have come with a solution to your gem problems." I said then I turned around and started to blush. What I saw was a female Diamond… no gem of a Diamond Dog. Her face and brown fur indicated her breed to be akin to a Chocolate Lab, and while sharing traits from her fellow canines, such as the enlarged forepaws and digitigrade legs, her posture and proportions more resembled ponies and humans as she stood upright, her once fluffy tail and fur being covered in small patches of dirt from digging around, and she wore similar clothing to Rover and his two friends, with the exception of several wrappings of cloth around the chest as the jacket was too open to really cover anything, and moving on to the chest… "Those are some serious Badonkers!" I said.

“Excuse me?!” She snapped at me defensively.

"Oh, I mean no disrespect by my statement, it is one of the utmost compliments where I'm from to comment on a woman's most prominent features. I also must say your eyes are the most beautiful shade of orange I have ever seen." I said giving a bow to whom I must assume is the Alpha.

“Hmm…” she looked at me intensely for a moment. “Very well! From now on it shall be known that I, as your alpha, have the greatest Badonkers ever, we shall make a plaque in preparation for when I leave to add next to Koddout’s shrine.”

“Uh, yes Alpha!” One of the guards said. “Alpha has wonderful Badonkers!”

Said Alpha happily took in the various compliments in stride, her face evident that she had no idea I had meant her tits.

"So now may we get down to business?" I asked.

“Yes, what has you motivated to find us? Last I checked, Rover gave away our most recent gem haul so we can’t offer you that.” she stated, glaring at that dog all the while.

"You misunderstand, I don't want your gems, I want the useless glowing blue crystal you find around gem deposits. In exchange, me and my associate will help you find gems, sound fair?"

“Why would you or your friend need such worthless crystals? They can’t be carved, they explode when they touch fire, and eating them even makes dragons sick.”

"It is because my associate is of a race that can eat them and needs them to survive." I explained.

“The metal giant eats the poison stone?” Rover asked in surprise.

“...did he just say, metal giant??” The Alpha responded with her own question.

"Yup that's what he said, and he is actually really accommodating once you get on his good side." I said with a smile on my face.

“...and what if we refuse your offer?” She asked.

"Then my friend would get very angry and might even collapse your tunnels." I said not in a threatening way but in a calm way. "People tend to be cranky when they are about to starve to death." I told her.

“True.” she seemed to go into thought before she glanced at me. “We do not require basic deals, we need an alliance, so how about we also work to mine more of the crystal you need alongside our own gem collection in exchange for something you can do on your end.”

"Oh like what?" I asked, curious where this was going.

“We’re getting your friend his food, only fair you get us food in return.”

"What kind of food? It better not be sapient or else we would be very angry." I said a hint of fire in my gaze.

“No! I get what Alpha says!” Rover said excitedly. “We no eat things like ponies, blech! But, we do eat things! Things that ponies keep watch of, we have to be sneaky and not be caught to steal things like piggies and rabbits, but then ponies get smart and make it harder, or instead we go into forest for wild piggies and bunnies! But then there’s things that want eat us back!”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” the Alpha commented. “I know for certain you have a hunter’s instinct, and the Everfree’s predators have no taste for metal, if you become our source of meat, we would be more than happy to make an alliance, and we won’t need to steal the animals from ponies.”

"One moment while I converse with my associate." I said and then I activated the chat function of my party system. "Hey Viper you there?"

“Hey buddy, what’s the haps??” He said, his voice amplified by his higher volume setting most likely.

"Turn that shite down, will ya! It's way too loud." I said to him.

“This any better?”

"Much now here is the situation…." I then proceeded to fill him in on the situation. "...and that's everything so what do you think?" I asked him.

“So as I see it…” oh I can hear the grin on the other side. “The Dog-girl wants you to give her some sausage, and you’re all too happy to accept.”

"FUCK! YOU! Just answer the question should we or shouldn't we take the deal?"

“Well an alliance is a great idea but personally I think it’s your decision whether you wanna put your meat in her mouth or not.”

"Wait!!!! Are you doing what I think you're doing?" I asked

“Depends, are you referring to my elegant mastery of the double entendre?”

"No, STALLING for time so you can do something."

“Eobard, if I was stalling, I’d genuinely tell you to start wooing your bitch so you can get laid and have less of a stick up your ass.”

"How do I have a stick up me arse?" I asked.

“Well for one you don’t handle your innuendoes very well, you seem to be taking the fact that we’re in the land of ponies a bit too seriously… and you’re unable to handle the sight of Titties.”

"Well I do have my V-card still, so there is that for one and for two I have the Gamers Mind!" I explained to Viper.

“Well, now I’m actually going to tell you to get laid! It’s not fair both of us end up stuck on this world as virgins.”

"So do you have an answer for me on the proposed alliance or not?" I asked him.

There wasn’t an answer as suddenly something dropped through the tunnels into the room, upon investigation it turned out to be a multitude of wild animal carcasses in a strange cloth.

“For the record, I broke the balloon on accident.” He defends, identifying the cloth to be the balloon itself without its basket or furnace.

"So how is this for a first payment?" I asked the Alpha.

She smiles and reached forward suddenly, pulling me into a tight and smothering hug as I got my face buried in her fine assets. “Call me Crystal.”

As my face started to turn blue and I was near passing out I reached up and grabbed the first thing I could which just happened to be her breast and gave it a squeeze.

“Ahh~!!” She dropped me as she responded to the sudden and seemingly unfamiliar sensation. “What did you do?!”

"Uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm so sorry for doing that, I just grabbed the first thing I could and it happened to be your breast. I am so so sorry!" I said prostrating myself in front of her.

“Mmm~, don’t be…” She suddenly grabbed me by the shoulders and tackled me onto my back, now straddling my waist as she looked down past her swaying boobs. “Do it again~.”

{POV Viper-Lash}

I was chilling up top, waiting for Eobard to climb out and give me a thumbs up on the deal, when suddenly I heard the loudest, most guttural howling moan erupt out of the hole, causing me to jump.

“Wow… I knew I said he should get laid but that sounds intense… I’m not helping with his claw-marks.”

I proceeded to plug my audial sensors and wait out the rather wild action that was occurring down below, before I eventually saw Eobard shakily climbing out of the hole, clothes disheveled and by the look of his stance, legs numb as all Pit.

“...damn…” Was all I could say as I helped him up the rest of the way.

"I think I'm going to like it here!" He said with a dopey grin.

“Alright lover boy, think you can limp over to Ponyville? Despite how much of a low profile I want, you never upset Pinkie Pie.”

"Yea you don't want to upset the eldritch being known as the Pinkie Pie." Eobard said with a shudder.

“What? No, I just don’t like seeing her sad, the Frag are you going on about?” I ask, surprised.

"Think about it, it's the only explanation that makes sense. SHE BREAKS THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE LIKE THEY ARE TWIGS!!!!" Eobard yelled. "Also making her sad is a good way to ostracize yourself in Ponyville."

“Dude you make Pinkie sad, you’ll ostracize yourself from me, besides, it’s not eldritch power, that kind of energy drives those who witness it insane, and Pinkie would rather re-enact Cupcakes before she’d tamper with forces that could potentially hurt her friends’ sanity.”

"Then how do you explain her powers?" Eobard queried.

“Simple, it’s her own brand of chaos!”

"You know that makes more sense than my theory. Let's go with that." He said.

“See? Now come on, I don’t want to keep her waiting, and better we meet the Ponies and get them used to us now before they meet us at a major gathering.”

"Then transform and roll out!" Eobard said spider monkeying his way up my body.

“GAH!!” I suddenly tossed him several feet in the air, then panicked and caught him in my hand. “What did I say about that?!”

"Sorry I forgot about that." Eobard said between wheezes.

“You pull that scrap again, I won’t catch you next time.”

"I said I was sorry. Geez." He said crossing his arms over his chest.

“I know… that’s why I gave you the warning.” I transformed, having it so he landed on top of me, due to my Earth Tank form being a pointless disguise, I went with the Hover-Tank form and just added a basic interior.

"Oh yeah, this is so cool." He said climbing inside my head and sitting down. "Ready when you are dude." He declared after a couple of minutes.

With a grunt of acknowledgement, I turned and headed off towards Ponyville, changing my turret to my drill so I could snatch up a few ‘roadside snacks’ on the way.

"Are we there yet?" He asked after a couple minutes.

“No.” I say.

"Are we there yet?" He asked a few minutes later.

“No.” I repeat, already sensing the pattern.

"Are we there yet?" He asked for a third time a few minutes later.

“You know, despite making the character, I’ve always been curious as to what Viper’s refining system would do to organic matter!” I say in an eerily cheerful manner.

"I think I'll shut up now!" He said, sounding kind of scared.

“You sure? Don’t want to grind down my audio intake a few more times? make me blow a circuit?”

"Nope." He said.

“Good… oh, looks like we’re almost there, it’d be a good idea if I take this final leg in my robot mode.”

"O-o-o-o-ok I'll just get out of your head." He said climbing up and out on top of my turret.

I transformed and proceeding to take the crystals and process them now, feeling the excess, my body reacted and my chest opened, revealing something similar to the indents drink machines have, as a canister pushed up from inside and was filled up by the tap with the newly refined Energon, I took the filled canister and placed it on my belt almost naturally before repeating the process with the remaining crystals.

"COOOOL!!" Said a voice from the ground.

I blink and suddenly look down to find a familiar baby dragon nearby us.

“Oh hey a Baby Dragon, neat.”

"I'm not a baby! I'm 12 years old." He said puffing out his cheeks.

“By pony standards maybe, by dragon standards, definitely not, and by Cybertronian standards, not even close.” I say as I knelt down. “My Carrier and Sire didn’t stop treating me like a Sparkling until… your world would know it as my second century.” I tell him. “Anyways, nice to meet you, young Drake, I am Viper-Lash, member of the Autobots.”

"Yo Viper, could you give me a lift down? I want to talk to him on eye-level." Eobard said from the top of my head.

With an irritated grumble, I promptly flick him off my head, having him fall into some nearby bushes. “And that there is my little buddy, Eobard Hamcheese.”

"It's Gamgee not Hamcheese. Well no matter." He said as he extracted himself from the bushes. "As my companion said my name is Eobard Gamgee and it is a pleasure to meet you young Drake, may I inquire as to your name?" He asked, he probably already knows it but is keeping up appearances.

"Yea, the name is Spike and I’m the number one assistant to Princess Celestia's pupil Twilight Sparkle." He boasted puffing out his chest.

"Who is Princess Celestia? Is she the daughter of this country's ruler?" Eobard asked.

“I think this Celestia is the ruler, Eobard.” I suggested. “So Spike, you wouldn’t have happened upon any crystals that you feel you shouldn’t eat, have you?”

"As a matter of fact, there are some that made me sick a while back. I think I still have them though." Spike said.

“Yeah, that’s Raw Energon, my species are the ones who require the processed stuff to survive, but I’m special as I am the only being who is able to safely consume the raw form of it. Come to think of it, it’s probable that Refined Energon is also safe to a certain degree for other races to consume, considering all the toxic elements I actively process out of the raw crystal… oh so that’s what that red light in the corner of my vision is about!” I stand back up, and focus on that warning… yep, my Energon Waste Tank is full, I need to sacrifice some of the Energon I’ve processed to dispose of it, I take a deep inhale as I follow the feeling my spark is telling me to reach for.

"What is he doing?" Spike asked.

Eobard just shrugged and stared at me.

I happily proceed to wow them by-while not functionally necessary but still really fucking cool-letting out a deep roar as I ignited the tributed Energon and funneled the waste product through the flame to act as fuel, opening my mouth wide to show off a vibrant and aggressive cone of flame up into the air.

"THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!" Both Eobard and Spike said at the same time.

I said nothing, simply closing my mask back up and giving a theatrical bow in appreciation.

All of a sudden I felt a weight on my head. "So you two finally decided to show up, huh?" I heard Pinkie’s voice say.”

“I honestly wanted to not let Celestia know where I am, but of course you then invite us and it was either go and get caught in the open by an angry Celestia, or stay in hiding, therefore letting you down and leaving me with the mental image that I made you cry.” I calmly retort. “By my arrival I guess you can tell which one I find worse.”

"Yea, me crying thanks Viper-Lash!" Pinkie Pie said, giving my head a big hug. "Now where is my big little hunk?"

“Down there, smelling like-” I immediately shut myself up before I said ‘a bitch in heat’, since there was still a minor right here. “... dirt and satisfaction…”

"HEY I *SNIFF* EH, I GUESS I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!" Eobard said.

“See? I want to be your friend and not upset you so much, I even convinced your boyfriend to come with!” I added with an audible smirk.

"HEY! I'm not her boyfriend yet." He said and my audio receptors barely picked up that last word which made me smile wider.

"Hey authors can you switch the POV now so I can go have a romp with my boyfriend"

“HEEEEEEEEELLL NO!!”

"HELL TO THE NO!"

“If you’re wanting to do that! Take it off-screen!”

"Oki Doki Loki! Come on Bardy let's go have some fun." Pinkie Pie said as she grabbed Eobard by the hand and dragged him off to what looked like Sugarcube Corners.

"Hey Viper what was that about? Did they just go to do what I think?" Spike asked.

“If what you’re thinking involves Birds and Bees then take it up with your legal guardian, I’m not touching that even with a Polarity Gauntlet, and that technically wouldn’t even be touching it!”

"So what do you want to do now?" Spike asked, sounding kind of bored.

I was about to suggest something, when I was silenced by the sounds of Eobard’s loud groaning, and what I could only assume was a rubber duck being squeezed repeatedly, it wasn’t difficult to see that Spike was also hearing what I was.

"Let's never speak of this! Agreed?" Spike said resolutely.

“Eeyup!” I say as I promptly find the source and disable the chat system’s voice feature. “Say! Wanna see me turn into a tank… that levitates?”

"Heck yeah!" Spike said excitedly.

I smile and transform before his very eyes, the Energon Canisters at my belt taking part in the shift and hid themselves inside, appearing as part of the ‘ammo racks’.

"So cool. Is there anywhere to sit inside that can see out?" Spike asked

“Hmm… hold that thought.” there was the sounds of mechanical clicking and whirring inside as I fold away the hatch, and pop up the seat I had for Eobard in its place.

"Huh that is really cool and works for me." Spike said.

“This would actually be more taxing for a normal Cybertronian, but I’m kinda built to be able to swap out and move parts already so… well anyways, hop aboard and let’s go on a joy-ride!”

"Alright!" Spike said excitedly as he climbed up and sat down in the seat

“Okay, harness secure, gravitic repelling field stable, energon thrust systems warmed up, here we go!!” I yell out the last part as I fire the engines up and speed off to Ponyville to make a lap around the town.

Wow! This Cybertronian tank mode is so much more fuel-efficient than the Earth one! And so much faster! WHEEEEEE!!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Spike yelled out in glee as we zoomed past Sweet Apple Acres.

Deciding this to be the appropriate time to see if this would work, I proceeded to look through my memory banks, or rather, focus on the memory of a song, considering the Earth Tank had a radio and my Cybertronian one had a comm-link, I didn’t think it’d be hard to recreate sound. I found myself grinning as I felt a small surge through my spark and that sweet Strumming started up.

"WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO YEA PLAY THAT FUNKY RHYTHM DUDE." Spike yelled as we rode along to the song.

“Yeah!! Now this is living!!” I say as we speed around, almost hitting a boulder before I blasted it out of the way.

Suddenly a notification popped up in the corner of my vision:

Huh??

There was this sound, a high-pitched whistle like an incoming missile, then followed by a loud *tink* and a scream of pain as I suffered no slow-down.

“Did you hear something?” I asked Spike.

"That sounded like Rainbow Dash's Sonic Rainboom and a high-speed impact with metal." Spike said.

“Weird.” I stop and proceed to turn back to where we heard the noise, seeing Rainbow nursing her knuckles after trying to punch me.

"Ow, you Bucker what are you made of?" She queried then seeing Spike she jumped up completely forgetting her pain. "Give me back spike you Bucking foal-napper." She accused..

I let Spike out of the safety harness and nudged him down before transforming in front of her, letting some Tox-En flow into my optic as I ‘forget’ to form my mask as I lean down at her and growl, drooling a bit of Energon to add some intimidation factor to the mix. “What did you just Slagging call me, ORGANIC?”

She seemed almost on the verge of soiling herself and she seemed to have pissed herself a bit but she seemed to gather her courage and said again. "I called you a Bucking Foal-napper."

“Funny, last I checked I was a former slave.” I say as I close up my mask. “Oh! And before that I was a mutilated science experiment, oh but of course I couldn’t have been those without originally being a kidnap victim myself could I? Oh I just love this, why don’t you give me more horrible assumptions, maybe you’d like to call me a Dark queen’s concubine when I have no hope of ever having a girlfriend, or maybe you wanna call me a conqueror of an alien planet, I’d love to tell you all about the civil war that killed my homeworld and forced my species into exile!” I say in the most condescending tone.

Her ears flattened against her head as she looked up at me. "Oh, I'm sorry for what I said I didn't know. I think I have a lot to think about now I'll just be going."

“Hey hold it now, you’re not getting away that easy, I’m also here because Pinkie invited me to a party, and since her friend just attacked me, I want to ensure you and by extension her, don’t have a bad image, I want you to do me a favor, and I’ll consider this whole situation square, you won’t even need to do something bad.” I offer.

"W-w-w-w-w-what is it you want me to do?" Rainbow asked.

“Nothing much,” I flatten out my left hand. “Just sit in my palm.”

"That's it? That's all you want for me to sit in your palm?" She asked incredulously.

“Well if you think you’re too good to sit in my hand, then forget it.”
Hmm
"No, no, I'll do it. I was just surprised is all."

The moment she sat down, I looked to Spike to check if he was watching before the show began, and before she could react, I gently closed my hand around her. “Hey what the-?!” she yelped before I brought her up, my eye a sinister green as I looked her down, and then changed it to blue.

“Oh boy!” I said in the dumbest voice. “My own little bunny rabbit!”

“Your what?!” Rainbow asked in shock.

Spike having figured out that I was messing with her, was rolling around on the ground laughing his head off. Then he got up and pulled out a camera. Likewise, I focused on making sure this moment was vividly remembered, essentially recording this moment to possibly broadcast later with the right tools.

“I will name her George, and I will hug her and pet her and squeeze her.” I say as I gently stroked her head as she attempted and failed to get out of my grip.

“Hey get off me!” She yelled before I got one of my claws behind her ears and gently scratched it, causing her to freeze up.

“And pat her and pet her and…” I just grinned mischievously behind my mask as she all but melted like an affectionate cat at the mercy of my scratchies.

The moment she caught how relaxed and pleasant the petting was giving her, she blushed hard and redoubled her efforts to get out. “Hey no! Stop that! Let me go!!”

I found a very enjoyable spot that caused her to let out actual purrs and focused on those. “And rub her and caress her and-”

“HELP! SOMEPONY HELP! I DON’T WANNA BE A PAMPERED KITTEN!” The moment she said that I let her go and doubled over laughing, finding despite having no lungs, it was still hard to breathe as I wheezed from the sheer humor.

"Yuck it up, dude. You had your fun, now don't you dare show those pictures to anypony Spike." Rainbow Dash threatened.

“Yeah dude, no point in it anyway, I mean pictures are good& Glass uj ered but nothing beats a high definition full motion and audio recording.” I say as Ifn look her in the eye. “I wonder if the current age film projectors are high-tech enough for me to scan and replicate them.”

She flew up to my face. "You wouldn't dare." She said menacingly.

“Whatever you say, George.” I say with a giggle.

"Hey Viper, Twilight actually has a brand new projector back at the Library you can try scanning." Spike said mischievously.

My laugh… oh dear god my laugh fit far too well with my crimson optic.

"You wouldn’t dare...OH BUCK HE WOULD DARE!" She said as she zoomed off back to her cloud house.

“Hey Spike, want me to drive you to your house?”

"Oh boy would I! This is awesome." He said as he ran up to me.*
J
I transform and help him on before h to the library… taking the long way, avoiding Sugarcube Corner. As I arrived at Spike’s house, I let him off and went back to robot mode. “You know something? I’m actually really excited to meet this Twilight person, she sounds very… eccentric.”

"Oh she is big time, but you get used to it eventually." Spike said.

“Well… go on and bring her out, I can’t exactly walk inside.

"Ok, I'll be right back." He said as he ran inside and yelled for Twilight.

"What is it, Spike? I was busy dj uhh f Bn yown in my lab working on an experimental spell." Twilight asked as she came into my view.

Spike just pointed outside at me with the biggest grin on his face. "I made a huge new friend."

"Who is it a minotaur?" She asked

“Nah, it’s more something out of this world.” I answered her as she managed to get a look at me.

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Twilight yelled as she threw spell after spell at me that did absolutely no damage whatsoever.

“Wow… rude.” I say as I lick my finger and pinch her horn gently like I was trying to put out a candle.

"Whaaa….mmmmmm~" Twilight moaned as her horn went out from loss of focus.

“...okay, not what I was going for.” I pull away immediately. “So, you calm now?”

"Mhm… I mean yes I am, I apologize for my reaction."

“No problem, though for some reason I expected a different reaction from your first encounter with a biomechanical alien creature with the ability to do… this.” I say as I transform into tank and then back to robot mode.

"Wait, that's your body? I thought it was some kind of exo-suit." Twilight said confused

“Nope! Living metal being, unique form of blood running through my veins and all.”

"Yo Cybertronian. I'm baaack! Ooh, ouch, dang, this hurts." Eobard said from down the street leaning on Pinkie Pie, with a very satisfied smile on her face, while trying to walk towards us.

“Wow, I am not jealous of you right now.”

"Slag off dude I'm just sore fú yourom having fun with Pinks here and Crystal earlier." Eobard said with a huge grin on his face.

“Yeah? Well at least I don’t walk funny.”

"Second verse, same as the first," Eobard said, giving me the two-fingered salute

“Right… well, I’m just going to talk to Twilight here about showing off the power of my modified T-cog involving her new advanced film projector.”

"Ok, see ya."

I waved off to him before turning my attention back to Twilight. “So… could you bring that Projector out here? If this works, I can give you a visual retelling on the history and physiology of my species.”

Her eyes bulged as she raced back into the Library to get the projector from wherever she was keeping it. She came back out a few minutes later carrying a tiny case. "Here it is, the projector. It's really high tech and it costs a lot of bits so please be careful with it."

“If your device is viable, then what I will do to it would only cause risk if it was active as I was doing so. Open it up, I need to actually see it for this to work.” I asked.

"Ok, how's this? Will it work?" She asked as she opened the case all the way.

I look at the modern-looking equipment, and reached deep into my T-cog for a light, as I found that light, I aimed it and let it shoot out of my optic onto the projector, scanning it and adding the internal and external data to my transformation archives. Once the green light finished washing over the machine, I closed it up and focused on my hand, marking it with that new data and watching as my T-cog went into action, turning my appendage into an exact replica of the projector, except in my color scheme.

"Cool!" Spike said in an impressed tone of voice.

“Alright, now I just need a flat surface, and then it’s Cybertron: 101!”

"Ooh I have an idea," Twilight said as she conjured two poles and a tarp using her hands as catalysts.

“Perfect!” I smile and aim the projector, focusing on my memories, the ones I feel coming to me, but also those I remember from my human past. “Before there was the planet Cybertron, there were two powerful beings, brothers, known as Primus and Unicron, Primus was the brother of creation, good and light, while Unicron was of Darkness, Destruction and Death, during their beginnings Primus set about watching life bloom and grow on other worlds, while Unicron took to devouring them without mercy or care for whoever he slaughtered. Obviously, this led to conflict that raged through the eons as Primus sought to stop his brother from harming more innocents.” I say, presenting the depictions of Primus, Unicron, their actions and their epic battles.

"Wow! So what happened to them next?" Twilight asked, interest shining in her eyes.

“Well, the two brothers were unfortunately evenly matched in strength, neither could gain an advantage on the other, until one day Primus took to his gift and created the 13 Primes.”

"What are the 13 Primes?" Spike asked

“They were the first Cybertronians, born from Primus’ very being, these 13 fought with their creator in the final battle, defeating The Chaos Bringer and sending him off into the void, never to return, Primus, now weak from the battle, sought to create a home for the Thirteen, and use his core, what we know of as the Allspark, to begin the existence of Cybertronians, using his powers, he created the framework of a new world that he became the very core of, creating and reincarnating our people, with a fragment left to the Primes themselves known as the Matrix of leadership, it would be passed down to the next Cybertronian worthy of becoming the leader of our people, the next Prime, this all culminated into…” I paused for dramatic effect, before showing them an image of my homeworld in its golden age. “Cybertron.”

If their jaws dropped anymore from the beauty of it their jaws would be underground. Spike turned around to say something but immediately changed his mind and elbowed Twilight in the side.

“It is… beautiful, is it not? How our world was full of such wonder and light?”

Twilight turned around and saw the look on my face and asked the one question I was hoping to avoid. "What happened to your world?" She inquired

I was too slow to hide the wince… but I would not deny them.

‘In for a penny…’

“Despite what Primus had hoped, corruption eventually finds its way into all things, for a long time no-bot was worthy of the Matrix and so a council was put in place, one that was just as fallible as any other life. This corruption was seen by two Mechs, one Orion Pax, an archivist in the largest library on Cybertron, the Iacon Hall of Records-” I couldn’t help the chuckle as I saw Twilight’s eyes at the thought of a massive alien library. “-and a gladiator from the pits of Kaon, one who took the name ‘Megatronus’, a name belonging to one of the original Primes. In the beginning, Orion and Megatronus came to meet each other as the Gladiator rallied the people in protest of the corruption within Cybertron’s leadership, it is in this time where Megatronus, having gone from Gladiator to revolutionary in the political conflict, took upon a new name… Megatron.” I clutched my head as the projector shorted, flickering from the image of Megatronus in his younger years to the sinister-looking warlord I came to know, then back again.

"What and who was that?" Twilight asked-

“That… was a spoiler… let’s continue.” I focus again. “Megatron soon stood before the council, making demands to remake the Cybertronian Leadership… and this is where his true colours showed, he wanted a removal of the old guard by force, and he wanted the council to name him the next Prime.”

"Wait I thought only that Matrix thingy could make you a Prime?" Spike asked

“Exactly, they could not make him the next Prime, nor did they see, with his ambitions and ideals, that he could be the next one… then Orion took the podium and spoke in argument, speaking of his own ideas of reform for Cybertron, he was the one with potential… and Megatron didn’t like that. Soon after Orion swayed the Council with his ideals of peace, Megatron turned to what he knew to get his way, with countless people under his influence, he declared war on the council, branding themselves as the Decepticons, or ‘The Deceived’, in the idea that as the working class, they were force-fed lies and made to be practical slaves under the will of the Council. It was in this war, that Orion eventually found himself at the very core of Primus, where our creator personally bestowed upon him the Matrix of Leadership, changing him from Orion Pax, into who would become the leader of the Autobots, enemy of the Decepticons…” I showed his face. “Optimus Prime, his cause opposing the Decepticons’ ideals of taking power, he believed that Freedom was the right of all sentient beings, and gathered those like-minded to try and save our world from the brink.” I let out a sigh.

I showed them the image of Cybertron again, but I showed how it faded and soon became dark and dead. “But it was too late, Megatron’s own lust for power doomed Cybertron, killing our home and rendering it incapable of sustaining us, and that is only one of the atrocities him and his inner circle had committed, such as Shockwave with his work on the Cortical Psychic Patch which-AGH!!” I winced again, my eye glowing green as the Projector began displaying things out of my control, I already knew what it was about to show when Shockwave came on screen with an Arc-welder.

“That device will serve Lord Megatron effectively, your living spark is not a requirement.” he said, I tried to stop it, but the memories just came unbidden as I witnessed both first-hand and through the projector the incident where I was torn open, reconfigured, stripped down to only my bare framework and rebuilt into what they saw. “Curious, your survival was not calculated, a contingency will need to be made.” I thought it couldn’t get worse but it did as now it showed the collar, how I couldn’t fight it, how I was ordered to kill in Megatron’s name, thankfully I still had enough control to prevent showing the gruesome details… the painful memories only alleviated when it got to my collar breaking, how I had fled the Decepticons… and as we launched, I could finally stop the projector, turning it back into a hand as I collapsed, leaking cleaning fluid from my optic as I found myself unable to fully handle the agony of remembering.

"Oh Viper dude that was a harsh roll of the dice man." Spike said.

“I… I was the only bot left with an internal energon conversion unit… it was so rare to have one at the time because of how you needed to be compatible to install it, so I was the last one they made it for… and Megatron found it the perfect system to create a living weapon capable of creating Toxic Energon, a substance that even being mear was fatal to a Cybertronian.”

"That's so sad." Twilight said, shedding tears from her eyes.

“Yeah… and just so you know, Tox-En has a green coloration.” I say, letting my eye turn green again, showing them that Megatron’s little project succeeded. “I… I should stop for now, I’m too spent from that… you know… you mind if I crash here next to your tree?”

"No, I don't mind at all." Twilight said as she wiped her face.

“Thank you… and I’m sorry you had to see that, I didn’t want to burden you with such a horrific tale.”

"It's no trouble, no trouble at all. I just want my new friend to feel like they are welcome and can tell me whatever they need to." Twilight said.

“Oh good… which reminds me, if Celestia comes by can you make sure to stop her from trying to melt me into Slag?”

"Of course… WAIT YOU'RE THAT ROBOT!" Twilight yelled

“Oh no…” I mutter worryingly.

"The same one who ran over Princess Celestia?"

“To be fair, I had just woke up in a military base surrounded by small armed indigenous lifeforms and brought in front of their leader after displaying intelligence, the last situation where I remember that happening to a bot, said indigenous life then attempted to vivisect them.”

“Oh she doesn't blame you for that, she was chasing you trying to get you to become a citizen."

“Oh yeah, I’m sure those beams were meant to burn a green-card onto my chassis.” I say sarcastically.

"Oh no those were just stun blasts."

“Sorry, when one has been knee-deep in war, one does not assume beams to be on stun.”

"That is ok my giant friend all is forgiven." Said a voice from behind the tree.

“YIPE!” I say, suddenly launching into the air rather comedically and against all logic as I wound up way higher than my normal highest jump height. After that, I fell to the ground and landed right on my aft. “AGH! FRAGGING PIT!!” I exclaim, rubbing my dented tailpipe.

"Are you alright my friend?" The voice asked again

“Well… I didn’t break anything important, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

I hear laughter coming from behind the tree, then out came Fragging Celestia.

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up…” I groan. “What are you doing, hiding behind a tree, here anyway?”

"Oh, I just teleported in during your conversation with Twilight at Spikes request."

I went silent then, looking at her before giving a deep sigh. “Then I guess you saw the story… and my episode…”

"Yes, and I must say this 'Megatron' sounds like a mighty nasty Bot as it were. What ever happened to him?" Celestia asked.

“Well I’m not sure, I feel like there’s some serious time-warping shenanigans going on, but I’ll tell you what I know, Megatron in his desire to defeat the Autobots uses a purple crystal known as Dark Energon, the blood of unicron, to raise dead Cybertronians into undead Terrorcons, by infusing himself with Dark Energon he gained command of them, but his plans to use the dead of Cybertron to raise an undead army was thwarted by Optimus Prime and the team of Autobots he had with him including myself. He got caught in the centre of a space-bridge explosion and was assumed offline, then his mind possessed one of our teammates to use Dark Energon to revive his body, he then got killed again much later, but was then promptly revived as Unicron himself possessed his body, using his dark powers to raise the fossilised remains of dragon-like ancient cybertronian beasts known as Predacons in a plan to throw the Dark Energon infused creatures into the core of Cybertron to corrupt and kill his brother once and for all, we managed to rip Unicron’s anti-spark out of Megatron and trap it forever in the container originally meant for the Allspark, and Megatron, finally getting a taste of what he had done himself for all these eons goes into self-imposed exile to reflect on his tyrannic ways.”

"So Megatron is no longer a threat?"

“Like I said, there may be some Time-warp tom-fraggery going on, so for all I know the Megatron that may arrive here some day could be from before he even considered tampering with Dark Energon.”

"So we should be on the lookout for Dark Energon?" Celestia asked

“...yeah probably, I don’t know a lot about magic but it can influence the formation of Energon, it may even be possible for magic to synthesize Energon and its variants.”

"Variants? As in more than one?" Twilight asked

“Yes, there’s normal Energon, which is blue and has several ways to prepare and process it for different effects, essentially making it a rather interchangeable food and drink source, I’ve already explained Tox-En, then there’s also Dark Energon, there’s a lost recipe for Synthetic Energon that I’m not sure still exists or not, and finally there is the super rare Red Energon, which can safely supercharge a bot’s systems so well it practically has time temporarily slow down to a crawl for them, and increases their strength to the same scale. The reason for its rarity is because it was far more volatile than its normal variant. I’ve never tasted it myself, but I’ve heard Red Energon is actually raspberry flavored.”

"Mhm it sure does." Pinkie Pie said popping out of my chest.

“WAH!! Okay! I don’t care where you pop up, but my internal compartments are off limits except for my vehicle interior, I mean… come on, right now you’re right next to my spark chamber, that’s intimate.” I said quietly, my face taking on a blue tint.

"Sorry Lashy but I was just coming to tell you to come to Sweet Apple Acres."

“Okay, okay, but please get out of there!” I beg, feeling really uncomfortable.

"Oki Doki Loki! See you there." Pinkie said as she disappeared back into my chest.

I shuddered very uncomfortably. “Okay, I don’t think Pinkie got what she did, but she entered a very sacred place, my chest compartment is right next to what is essentially a Cybertronian’s heart and soul, and that place is reserved for Sparkmates, or in the worst cases, medics.” This caused everypony to blush profusely. “Yeah, so I’m gonna go to Sweet Apple Acres now and hopefully she understands not to do that again.” I promptly transform and drive off to the orchard.

Halfway to the orchard I see Eobard walking on the side of the road with a hobbit pipe in his mouth. "Yo my man, can I hitch a ride?" He asked when he saw me coming.

“Hop on.” I say, shaking the chair as I hadn’t set it up back inside.

He proceeded to stumble up to me and get on top and buckle himself in. "Thanks, Viper I was starting to get dizzy from this Old Toby and the walking mixed."

“Hope you don’t mind staying on top, I don’t want any tobacco smoke in here.”

"It's not Tobacco, it's a hobbit export known as Pipe-weed or Halfling's Leaf. It's pretty much marijuana but better." He said proudly.

“Ah, say no more.” I say with an invisible smile as my radio comes on again.

"Ah, riding in style, this be the life." He said taking another hit off his pipe.

We arrived at the front of the Orchard, and I immediately cut the radio once I saw Applebloom in view. “Child o’clock.”

"Shite reel me in dude." Eobard whispered to me

“What? why??”

"Don't want little eyes to see this stuff!" He said in a panic.

“Don’t you have inventory powers?”

"Oh yeah thanks, dude." He said as he shoved it into his inventory and pulled out a bottle of purple liquid and downed a good gulp of it then put the bottle back. “Ah, my head is much clearer now." He said, straightening up his posture.

“Where are you getting this stuff??”

"The merchant left me a few gifts in my inventory ability. Among the things you haven't seen are a thieves kit, a few coils of rope, and some health and mana potions." He listed off

“So your dumb aft thinks it’s a smart idea to just happily use the stuff left to you by the guy who sent you here in the first place, without even considering there may be more ulterior designs to them?”

"There was a note that said they were an apology for being so incompetent with the displacement and also gave me instructions on how to make something called a 'token'-"

“You just got a note and you believe this is simply an apology?? come on! Considering the notes we dealt with on my side, do you seriously think displacers are trustworthy?”

"It also says:

“The. Actual. Frag?!?”

"Yea it caught me off guard too. But it makes sense since I'm just a 'Baby Void Dweller' that there would be older siblings right?"

“If you’re a Baby Void Dweller, then what in The Pit am I??”

"I did get a second note from the Dagon Horror. It said:

“Vessel of Chaos? The Frag is that?”

"I have absolutely no idea what that is but if the DH thought to warn me about you, you must be powerful."

“Probably, but probably not either, I mean, chaos is unpredictable after all.”

"Sh, Sh, here comes Applebloom!" He said "Hi, who are you?"

"Hi I'm Applebloom and those two behind you are Sweetie Belle in the wagon and Scootaloo on the scooter. And we are the CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS YAY!" They all yelled at the top of their lungs causing Eobard to cover his ears.

After the Halfling got off me, I decided to let my own voice be heard. “Hey, mindblownfilliessaywhat?”

"What?" They all say at the same time.

I then transform slowly and dramatically. “GIANT ROBOT, GLITCHES!!” I yell as I pull off a badass pose.

"Yay, *clapping*, do it again."

“Sure!” I say, giving more flare as I flip into my Tank mode, then spin into a Robot Mode headspin breakdance move before leaping back onto my feet. “Boom!”

"Wow big guy I didn't know you had it in ya." Said a familiar rough voice from a cloud.

I look up to see a familiar blue pegasus. “Oh hey Dash, what’s up, wait… it’s you, innit?”

"Hahaha very funny tin man." She said jokingly.

“For your information, I am formed of Cybermatter, a unique living alloy that doesn’t naturally occur on your world.”

"What-but-how? Agh you win this round Big guy." She said as she zoomed off deeper into the farm with her cloud.

“What’s eating her?” I say, then decide to comment offhandedly. “Maybe Applejack, come to think of it.”

"Hey, fillies o'clock dude!" Eobard said.

“Eh, trust me, if they got that, their innocence was already ruined.”

"Are you calling our sisters clam diggers?" Scootaloo asked to the confusion of the other two.

“Eeeeexhibit A.” I say, casually pointing to the Pegasus. “And for your information, there is a very high possibility of that, but I’m not judging their choice in a special somepony, and I certainly hope you don’t either, love who you love.”

"Are you calling ma sister a gosh dang carpetmuncher?"

“...Exhibit B.” I say as I kneel down to look at Applebloom. “First, don’t make that sound like an insult. Second, I’m not saying they’re specifically homosexual, but they may be at least Bi.”

"I'm sorry sir." Apple Bloom said using diabetus inducing levels of cuteness on me.

“No problem Apple Bloom, just do me a favour and don’t let your sisters hear of what I said, I’m already from outer space, I don’t need them kicking me back up there because they thought I taught you words you shouldn’t know until you’re older.”

"We pinkie promise. Cross my heart, Hope to fly, Stick a cupcake in my eye!" They all said in unison, doing the motions.

“Thanks girls, now, big question, you haven’t seen Pinkie Pie around, have you?”

"Yes sir I have she was at the barn by the house setting up the party last I checked." Apple Bloom said

“Perfect!” I walk over the fence and head over to the party, willing my scythe-blade at the end of my corded cannon to retract so I don’t hurt anyone when I plan to… ‘cut a rug’. All of a sudden a weight appeared on top of my head. “Oh hey Pinkie.”

"How'd you know it was me?" She asked cheerfully

“Who else would it be… thanks for respecting my request.”

"No problem, it's actually much comfier up here than in there." She said while purring

“I hope I don’t upset anypony with my arrival, not everyone reacts well to a giant robot showing up.”

Next thing I knew there was a flash of purple light. "Yea sorry about that I overreacted just a tad." Twilight said from my left

“Huh?” I look to see Twilight on my shoulder. “Nah, it’s cool, I mean I was already expecting overreactions, I mean I’ve already made peace that my love life was in the toilet.”

"What do you mean by that? You could probably find a nice bot to date." She said confidently.

“Oh yeah, you haven’t seen what Shockwave did to my face yet.” I promptly removed the mask. “Quite the kisser, isn’t it?”

"It doesn't look too bad." Twilight said with a smile.

I had to deadpan. “Twilight, for context, my species commonly has lips, and two eyes.”

"It still doesn't look too bad." She said, batting her eyelashes.

“Prove it, then.”

"Huh?" She asked me.

“Go ahead,” I say, pointing to my mouth and deciding to lick my fangs for emphasis. “Prove how kissable I am, plant one right here.”

"Ok, I will!" Twilight said confidently as she planted as big of a kiss on my faceplate as she could.

I froze up like I was in Stasis Lock, looking at Twilight, my face glowing a warm blue from the Energon rushing through. “What… I… bu… Woah… um…” Each sentence I tried to get out died before it even started.

A few seconds later Twilight's face became beet red along with her neck and ears. "Did I really just do that and like it?" She wondered clearly not knowing she said it out loud.

“Wait… like it?” I say with surprise and, could it be… a little hope?

Twilight went from beet red to crimson. "Did I say that out loud?" She asked, getting a nod from the rest of us.

"Yup, big time." Said Eobard

As I proceed to look at Twilight’s crimson features, I felt a thrum of energy run through my spark, the loneliness I had feared would be my fate, is now pushed aside by a door, a controversial door that could bring me such joy if only I step through.

“You got anything going on tonight?” I ask her.

"Just the party we just arrived at." Twilight said.

“So you wouldn’t mind you and I staying up late for some… private lessons?” I offer.

"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sure sounds good." Twilight managed to stutter out.

“Awesome, it’s a date!” I say happily causing her blush to worsen.

"D-d-d-d-d-d-date?" Twilight said dreamily.

“Yup… just the two of us~."

"Hey y'all you just gonna stand there yacking or you gonna join this here howdown?" Applejack asked from the ground in front of me

“Oh howdy there, er, Applejack, right?” She nodded. “Nice to meet the one named after a type of alcohol on Earth.”

"Do my eyes deceive me or is that booze on the refreshments table?" Eobard asked

"Yup it sure is. It's some of our Sweet Apple Acres Special Reserve Hard Cider that we pulled out of the cellar just for this party." Applejack said proudly.

“Ah, to be young and capable of intaking organic fuel sources outside of Energon.” I mused softly… and a bit sadly.

"Don't worry Lashy I have some special food just for you!" Pinkie said leaning down from the top of my head next to my audio receptor. "It's made with Energon~." She said in a sing-song voice.

“Oh?” I proceeded to look to the area she directed me as I voiced my curiosity. What I saw was beautiful, a six-layer blue Energon cake made with red Energon as icing.

“You… you got me red Energon?”

"Yupperoni! I found a huge vein of it a long time ago on my family's rock farm." Pinkie said happily.

“Thank you, I can’t wait to try this!” I say as I shift out my blade weapon and cut out my own slice.

I look for Eobard and waited to see him notice the chunk of cake, coated generously with the shell of Red Energon icing before looking him dead in the eye and slowly licking my teeth.

"NOOOOOO! DON'T DO IT MAN! IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" Eobard yelled causing both Twilight and Celestia to look up and see me with the cake. The look of recognition on their faces was priceless.

I didn’t give them time to stop me as I happily tossed the dessert into my waiting maw, and felt the rush of energy running through me as Time slowed.

'Time for some fun~!'

I immediately decide to mess with Sunbutt and carefully lodged her head into the cake left out for the ponies, eagerly awaiting to see if she’ll burst out in flames or simply eat her way out. Next was Pinkie Pie, as eager thanks for giving me that delicious treat, that actually did taste like raspberries, I proceeded to go to the clearly sealed off Coffee Barrel, and gave her a hot mug of joe. The next one was Twilight…

… I decided to just boop my new marefriend on the shoot.

Eobard… we’re cool, I’ve tormented him enough already.

But Finally, it was AJ and Rainbow’s time, and being the running gag lover that I am, I essentially acted like they were dolls and did the classic joke of ‘now kiiiiss!!’, it was certainly going to be fun to see how Dash reacts after having a drink of Applejack.

"Hey ya Lashy what ya doing with AJ and Dashie?" Pinkie pie suddenly said from my shoulder.

I thankfully managed not to risk harm to anyone from my shock, and simply labeled this as ‘Pinkie on Coffee’ as evidenced by the half-empty mug. “Oh nothing, just helping alleviate some repressed feelings, say, got any prank ideas for while we’re still like this?”

"Sadly you're about to slow down Lashy!"

“Ah, fair enough, I’ll just settle for watching the aftermath of what I’ve done so far.” I say, chuckling mischievously as I watched time speed up back to normal.

Celestia gave a muffled yell before going limp, and angrily proceeding to nom her way out of the cake, and Twilight’s muzzle scrunched up as she glanced around in surprise and embarrassment of being booped on the snoot but being unable to witness the booping itself… but the best part was watching Rainbow and AJ.

"AJ why did you just kiss me in public?" Rainbow Dash accused.

"Rainbow shush!" AJ said putting a hand over RD's mouth.

“Come on you two, I’m pretty sure that closet of yours is too cramped for this.” I say to them, giving them the best equivalent of an eyebrow wiggle with my upper eyelid.

"Hey Pinkie Pie has coffee...OH SHITE PINKIE PIE HAS COFFEE!!!!" Eobard yelled.

“Well yeah, didn’t feel right to have her feel left out.” I explain to him casually.

"YOU JUST INVOKED 'SURPRISE' PINKIE PIE!!!!" Eobard screamed running around like a chicken with no head.

“No I didn’t, pinkie’s too nice to go that far… she’ll just be very annoying at most.”

"YeawhatLashysaid.Iwouldneverhurtmyfriendswithmypartyantics.AtmostIwouldgoonamegaprankingspree." Said Pinkie Pie's voice from thin air.

“And that is exactly why I let her have coffee, I’m excited to see the fireworks.”

"Is it bad I'm frightened?" Eobard asked, shaking a little.

“I’m, as the mare would put it, ‘nervous-cited’.” I comment with a low chuckle. I then felt what I could best describe as a bee sting in my ankle. “GAH! MOTHERF-” I groaned loudly as I clutched my ankle, falling to the side.

"Oh gods that's funny!" Eobard said laughing while stuck to my ankle by his sword belt.

“Oh shut up, that’s still my skin you’re piercing!”

"Yea sorry about that I was trying to cut my sword belt and missed." He said while trying to extricate his sword from my leg.

I mutter grumpily and proceed to just pull out the blade myself, and rip the belt off with a tug, letting the tatters slip to the ground.

"Pinkie that wasn't nice!" Eobard said

“On the contrary, I found it hilarious in hindsight, and no-one was really harmed.”

"That belt was really old, I got it from my dad, who got it from Frodo Baggins, who got it from Bilbo Baggins who had it for a really long time." Eobard said as if he was the real Eobard.

“I believe the belt holds no true value, rather, I believe the blade it held was more worth their time, you will always need another belt eventually, but this blade is the piece of it you must truly cherish.”

"You know you're right Viper, the belt can be replaced but this scabbard and sword could never be replaced in a thousand lifetimes." Eobard said before his hand began to glow and possibly on instinct he touched my ankle and the Cybermatter wove back together and looked like nothing had happened.

I blinked slowly at that. “Huh, so healing magic even works on non-biological lifeforms… wait you know magic?!”

{POV EOBARD}

I just looked at my hands after what I just did. 'I didn't mean to do it but for some reason I used that skill again. I wonder if maybe I should tell him the truth about my hidden skill or… Nah he already saw it so there is no point in hiding it from him.'

"Hey uh Viper can we go talk privately?" I asked hopefully.

“Sure.” He accepted, following me out of earshot of the other party guests.

I used Twilight's breathing technique to calm my nerves then pulled out my pipe from the Inventory and packed it with Old Toby. "Hey you mind lighting this?" I asked Viper.

“Alright, but don’t complain about my method being weird or gross, I don’t exactly have a lighter.” He said as he extended out his tongue, a line of Energon running down to the tip before I heard a click and it combusted, the end of the tongue set at the bowl of the pipe so as the flame travelled down, it funneled into the implement, then he retracted the appendage and closed up his mask.

"Thanks. So I know you probably have questions about what I did before." *PUFF* *BLOWS A SMOKE CHICKEN* "What I did was tapped into the magic of the Multiverse and turned your body back a few minutes to close the wound."

“So it was temporal void magic.”

"To put it ultra simply yes."

“Well you stick with what you know, and I’ll stick to this.” He said as he shifted his hand to the cutting claws then back.

"You're not freaked out that I can do that?" I asked skeptically.

“Dude, we’ve been dimensionally transitioned into a world once deemed fictional as characters we had created in our minds.” He shrugged. “I got numb to all this the moment Celestia had kicked me back at that military base.”

I took another puff of my pipe and this time blew a hopping bunny rabbit. "Huh guess I did too from the first time I saw you." I replied

“...okay legit, how the frag are you doing that?”

"Magic." I stated matter-of-factly

“Bug-Scrap!”

"What, it's true! all it is is a combination of Middle Earth magic and Old Toby smoke." I explained

“So what, you’re a wizard like… what was he? Oh! Gandalf the Cuticle Pink!”

"His name was Gandalf the Grey/White! He was an awesome wizard at least from what my dad would say."

“Considering he stared down a Balrog, I would assume so.”

"Actually I was talking about his fireworks but that was awesome too." I said sheepishly

“Hopefully the One Ring or the New Ring aren’t considered interesting enough for your Dagon Horror to send our way.”

"Yea and Smaug will come down from the Lonely Mountain and find a mate here in Equestria."

“Oh don’t push it, Murphy might not hear you, but I doubt the Anarchist isn’t watching all this unfold.”

{In The Void}

“...well now I kinda have to do it now.” Said Anarchist muttered. “It’d ruin my good name not to give the fans what they ask for.”

"'EY I'M TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE!" The Dagon Horror said from a little ways away.

“...I’ll tell her tomorrow.” he speaks with a grin as he ‘silently’ snaps his fingers.

{Now back to our regularly scheduled story}

I suddenly have a shiver run up my spine. I ignored it and took another puff from my pipe. This time I went really complex and did a pair of Uruk-hai fighting.

“This is just getting absurd now, isn’t this draining MP?” Viper asked.

I look at my MP bar and see I have a full bar. "It's weird but it doesn't seem to."

“Maybe it doesn’t count as a spell despite it being magic?”

"Makes sense to me. So what should I do now?" I asked. "I don't want to explain to everyone I can use as you put it 'temporal void magic' I'm pretty sure that would be illegal."

“Then just call it a healing spell from Middle-Earth.”

"Works for me as long as AJ doesn't call me on the carpet about it." I said and shrugged as we started back to the party. When we got back to the party there were more adult ponies there than before.

“Hm? Where did they come from? I don’t think organics multiply that quickly.” Bringing a blush to all of the mare's faces and smirks to the few guy's faces.

"Hey, Rarity did he mean reproduction?" Sweetie Belle asked her sister. Who then shot a heavy glare at Viper.

“Hey Woah! Don’t pin any of that on me, for one thing, I never uttered some of the words those three seem to know when we first met.”

Rarity then proceeded to shoot Viper in his most likely nonexistent nads with a magic missile, although it seemed what warrior instincts he had kicked in as he transformed before the shot connected. “I’M SERIOUS! Somepony corrupted those three for sure but it wasn’t me!” the spell even though it looked like it missed came back around and hit him in the exhaust vents, which became plated for a moment to block the blow. “STOP THAT!”

“I'm sorry darling but it was a homing spell so once I cast it, it had a mind of its own." Rarity explained.

“Could you not aim for my bearings next time then! No matter how mad one gets that should never be a target!”

"As I said darling once cast it can't be controlled or dispelled by me. So even if I had wanted to abort the casting it wouldn't have worked." Rarity said while making circles in the dirt.

“I’ll forgive you so long as you take out what remaining aggression you have on the one who is the cause for your siblings and possibly other innocent colts and fillies learning such crude words.”

"If I may, I might have an idea of who it was." I said as I walked up to Rarity.

"Who is it?! I'm gonna bust their teeth in!" Rainbow Dash said with barely restrained rage.

"It's a pony I saw at Sugarcube Corners that was bad mouthing Rainbow Dash, I think Pinkie Pie said her name was something like, Spoiled Bitch."

“Okay, Eobard definitely deserves a shot at the groin because I’m pretty sure the three fillies didn’t know that swear.”

"Actually!" All three of the older sisters said in synch.

"Seriously, you guys all have taught them that word?" I said surprised at this revelation.

“Is this something to do with stubbing your hoof and saying ‘SON OF A-’ you know?” The three of them nod. “Then I feel you’re fine… anyways, Eobard meant Spoiled Rich most likely.”

"How do you know that name?" Twilight asked.

“I don’t, I used process of elimination since I didn’t expect somepony to actually have the name… you know, and as such ‘Witch’ was also out, no-pony would know what the word ‘Glitch’ means and so it stands to reason it’d be Spoiled Rich.”

"Oh, you know that actually makes sense." Twilight said.

"Can we move on now? I think I saw her as Viper was walking us back to the party." I said, all of a sudden said mare was plopped down in front of us by RD.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the one who thinks teaching impressionable fillies words like ‘Clam-Digger’ and ‘Carpet-Muncher’ is acceptable!” Viper said, transforming to glare at her.

"Well if it isn't the tin-can and the only stallion that would even ever touch that ADD Psycho." To say my blood was boiling would be an understatement it was genuinely igniting in my veins.

I reached into my inventory and pulled out Sting and started walking slowly over to Spoiled Rich. "So you think you can insult my marefriend? Well say goodbye to your mane and tail because you are not a mare worthy of them."

“Now hold it, we may be many things, Eobard, but vigilanties is not one of them, we can’t take the laws into our own hands, merely work to stay the course, I’m sure my new marefriend Twilight wouldn’t approve of doing the Guard or Mayor’s work for them.”

"Oh, so the stupid whorse of a bookworm had to stoop to a tin-can to finally get off, huh?"

Suddenly Viper slammed his hand loudly into the dirt as his face lunged to being ominously close to the mare, mask off as he let out a hiss from his fanged maw and his eye’s crimson coloration began glowing like a spotlight. “Alright, listen here you little Scrit-” Spoiled pissed herself and fainted. “...ah… hm…” he backed off as he took a few calming breaths. “Sorry about that.”

"Oh gods, that's hilarious. She just pissed herself and fainted right off. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" I said while rolling on the ground laughing.

“Well… I knew I was intimidating but…”

"Shame on you two for scaring her like that. You should be ashamed of yourselves." Fluttershy admonished.

“Sorry Fluttershy, I didn’t mean to lose my cool it’s just… somepony has admitted to at least giving me a chance at something I thought out of reach, and when Spoiled proceeded to insult her I just… I felt this urge to protect Twilight and her feelings with my very spark.”

There was a soft *fwoom* at the now completely crimson unicorn blushed so hard she ignited the ground around her, thankfully leaving her clothes unharmed. Viper, seeing her state, decided to pick her up, stomp out some of the embers, and proceeded to cuddle Twilight, vents opening up on his back to vent the heat. “You’re so adorable right now!” He said with an electronic squee.

"Awww" *click* Went a camera in Pinkie's hands.

There was a sounding of a second object igniting, then a moment of silence as Viper looked down and slowly proceeded to conceal Twilight in his arms as he began blushing a passionate Energon blue.

"OH MYYYYYY." I said in my best George Takei impression.