Chapter I: LOOOORD OF SHADOWS
It was an average day in the land of Equestria. Everypony was enjoying the average weather. There was not a single bad thing going on. Of course, this was all about to change...
*KABOOM* A large and lazy explosion occurred in the Everfree Forest (Cause that's where all the shit that is bad happens). Inside of the giant crater that has been formed, lays a young, aweeeesome Vamp kid. His name... REGINALD! He had the facial features of Reggie Fils-Aime (I think I spelled that right, got no time to google it). The only difference, was that Reginald's face was as white as a sheet of paper. Inside of his mouth once sat his plastic glow in the dark fangs, but somehow... They merged with him! Now they are real fangs! Which is gonna kind of suck when it comes to eating, but that's besides the point.
Reginald, of course, was wearing his signature black trench coat. Underneath it was a t-shirt with a giant red pentagram. Thankfully, somehow his clothes weren't destroyed in the explosion. Miracles can happen.
"OH where am I?" Reginald asked in his lispy voice. After all, the fangs constantly make it harder to speak. That's what happens when you keep cheap plastic in your mouth.
He began by observing his surroundings, it was nothing but trees. When he turned around, a much more terrifying site was seen. MORE TREES!!!
"OH GOD NATURE!" Reginald proclaimed, "at least the trees cover the sunlight so my pale skin doesn't crisp. I forgot to pack my sun ointment."
However, as Reginald started to remember the things he packed, true horror struck his cold, black heart.
"OH SHIT!" He shouted, "I forgot my inhaler!!!" This was really bad, how were his precious lungs gonna be fine in this dark forest without his inhaler? That's when it struck him, he must make social contact if he were to get a new inhaler. Social contact with normies was Reginald's kryptonite. However, the darkness that he held in his power would be enough to lead him through these troubling times.
Reginald began his trek out of the dark forest. The grass crushed beneath his ebony boots. He found a nice patch of beautiful flowers. How disgusting, he silenced those disgraces with a mere kick. Proud that he ended a form of beauty that wasn't darkness, he continued his adventure.
His dark march would cause fear into the posers that once called him a fuckwad. They would never understand the pain he felt. Where the fuck am I going with this?
Just then, the rustling of bushes fell onto Reginald's ears. He began to take his dark fighting stance. As he prepared to get his shadow magic ready, three timberwolves jumped out of the bushes.
"Ah, filthy heathens to practice my witchcraft on!" He said in a grumbled voice. "Shadow Ball!"
Of course, Reginald wasn't magical. There was no attack, and all three timberwolves pounced him. They began biting into him, one by one tearing away at his trenchcoat.
"NO!!!" He shouted in agony, "That coat is the most important thing in my dark arsenal!" His eyes watered in pain, which kind of sucked because now his black eye liner would start to run. That shit takes time to perfect.
Reginald was beginning to run out of options, and possibly blood. He really couldn't tell. So out of pure instinct, he took a chomp onto one of the timberwolves. His newly found fangs somehow sunk into the wood? Do these things have flesh of somekind underneath the bark or are they just pure wood? Whatever, his teeth sunk down into the wood. Suddenly, the taste of tree sap flooded Reginald's mouth. This caused him to start choking, because sap is not meant to be swallowed.
As his vision began to fade, from the blood loss and the new sticky sap in his throat, (no that isn't a metaphor for something inappropriate get your minds out of the gutter.) A huge beam of magical light hit one of the timberwolves, causing it to yelp out in pain. The three timberwolves proceeded to flee, not wanting to become firewood.
"Are you okay?" Came a soothing voice.
"I could've handled myself," Reginald said, because Lords of Shadows like himself don't need help from mortals.
"Well given the amount of bite marks on your body, as well as the choking noises you were making, I don't think you were fine."
"Nonsense, a dark lord will never die to mere wolves. Now if you'll (fuck I couldn't find the apostrophe) excuse me, I need to find a village so I can get a new inhaler. I'm definitely going to need one now after I drove away those wolves!" As he continued to speak, saliva flew into the air, as he has no manners and that shit just happens when you have plastic fangs now forever a part of your anatomy.
"If you need to go to town, I can get you there." said the voice, "There is a pharmacy in town you could use, granted they'll probably need to get you a new perscription, given that a human has never been seen in these parts."
"How can that be? Wait, what am I talking to then?" Conveniently after asking that question, a purple horse with both wings and a horn came from around the corner.
"The fuck are you?" Reginald shouted at the beast in surprise.
"Hey! There is no need for that kind of foul language," the horse replied, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. It is nice to meet you."
"I can't say the same, as darkness is embedded in my being, and I do not feel emotions of joy." Twilight just kind of looked at him with a face of "The hell are you talking about?" Twilight didn't say any of that though, cause she isn't a dick.
"It doesn't matter what's in your heart sir," Twilight said, "Just let me take you to the town so you can get that inhaler."
"Fine mortal," Reginald retorted, "but I will not enjoy your company."
And with that, the two began their journey to this so called town. Will our heroes return safely? Will Reginald ever get his inhaler? Find out next time!
Author's Note
On a scale from 1 to immense pain, how much did this hurt?
Chapter II: Leaving the Forest
Last time on Reginald the Lord of Shadows, we saw our hero magically end up in a spooky forest. After walking awhile, he almost got fucking destroyed by a bunch of living logs. He then got his ass saved by a purple pony princess (Alliteration is fun). Despite Reginald being an asshole to her, Twilight decided to help the guy anyway, cause yada-yada friendship. Anyway, these two are now making their ways back to Ponyville, the town in where all the exciting shit happens, so Reginald can get an inhaler. Will our heroes be able to get an inhaler? Find out now on this Chapter of Reginald the Lord of Shadows!
After the end of the last chapter, our heroes had finally made it to the edge of the forest. I could have wrote about 10 pages worth of them talking whilst making their way out, but let's face it that would be boring. Instead, for a little bit of better pacing, we'll just say Reginald and Twilight were at the edge of the forest.
"So that sums up what your about to see Reginald," Twilight said, "Just remember, somepony of your species has never been seen in town.
"Great, so from what I can tell, you are taking me into a town of xenophobes."
"I wouldn't say that exactly."
"Doesn't matter what they think though, all I know is that they cannot handle my immense power of darkness!" Twilight just gave Reginald a confused look as they continued to exit the forest.
"GAH! SUNLIGHT!" Reginald screeched in absolute agony, "The sun will turn me to ash!" Reginald flopped to the ground, rolling around in the grass as if he was being burnt alive. Of course, since Reginald is not actually a vampire, he wasn't on fire.
"Why are you doing that?" Twilight asked the moronic maniac. He continued to roll around, slightly foaming from the mouth for about another minute.
"My pale, smooth skin with get burnt! I burn easily!" Reginald, being the stay at home hero he is, rarely encountered the sun. This left his skin very vulnerable to the sun's harsh rays. That begs the question if there is suntan lotion in Equestria, since I don't know if things with fur can get sunburned.
Alright, after a quick internet search I found out that animals can get sunburned, but only on exposed parts of their skin. So if one of the ponies were to get shaved clean they would be burnt. With that knowledge I'm just gonna assume that there is suntan lotion. So now not only are our main characters on a journey to get an inhaler, they are also now on a quest for some suntan lotion. So pretty much the chapter's name is a lie, but that's not important.
After waiting a few more minutes of Reginald violently flailing around on the floor, Twilight decided that it would just be best to carry him with her magical powers. She is an alicorn after all.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME FOUL BEAST! UNHAND ME THIS INSTANCE!"
"Just calm down, I'm just carrying you with magic."
"I DO NOT NEED TO BE CARRIED BY AN INFERIOR BEING! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM THE LORD OF SHADOWS, LEADER OF DARKNESS, BRINGER OF DESPAIR!"
Reginald continued to rant about his dark, non-existent powers for another minute until Twilight made the magic aura soundproof.
"Alright Reginald, we've made it to my home town of Ponyville. I'm going to lay you down right here before we both head in," Twilight says, "Ponyville has a sort or reputation of having a bizarre happening occurring every couple of days, so I don't want us to walk into any danger."
Twilight left Reginald in the soundproof bubble, much to his protest. It didn't matter however, since no sound could leave the bubble. If words were to be able to leave, many fowl names would have been said, requiring many bars of soap to clean out his dirty mouth. It just occurred to me that the reason put soap in kids' mouths when they curse. Soap is used to clean dirt, or in this case a dirty mouth. That or its because it tastes horrible. Either one is a possibility.
A few minutes later, Twilight returned, her mane now in shambles.
"I am so so sorry for this, but I'm unfortunately not going to be able to take you into town right now. Currently, another magical creature from the Everfree is causing havoc and I need to help with that. Don't worry though! I'm will teleport you to a room in my castle that you can stay in until this is all sorted out!"
Before Reginald could even make a gesture of response, a flash of light blinded him.
When his eyes cleared up from the blinding glare, Reginald found himself alone in a small, quaint room. There was a nice bed in the corner, a lone table against the wall, and a single window high above the back wall. Reginald realized he was in a dungeon.
He ran to the door, and noticed that the door didn't have a handle. It did have three small bars to be looked through. It was definitely a dungeon. A dungeon he wasn't going to escape.
"THAT PURPLE HEATHEN HAS LOCKED ME AWAY IN A DUNGEON‽ I SWEAR TO THE DARK LORDS I WILL ESCAPE THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A DUNGEON!" Reginald would continue to scream for a couple of minutes.
"I AM A GOD! YOU CANNOT KEEP ME IN HE... *COUGH* *AGGRESSIVE COUGHING*" Saliva had gone down the wrong pipe, and now Reginald was choking. His weak lungs "gave up" on him (He's a wuss, so he just overreacted and passed out. His vision faded, and he entered unconsciousness.
Next time on Reginald the Lord of Shadows...
Our hero finds himself in a void with no light whatsoever. Has our hero died? Perhaps he has reached another plane of existence with his dark magic? You'll just need to find out next time on Reginald the Lord of Shadows!!!
Author's Note
Heyo folks. Thanks for reading this mistake.
I almost have equal likes and dislikes now, and that makes me happy because it looks like a pill capsule.
