Heaven is not for morons

by Iron_Hooved

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other, Princess Luna, Trixie, Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 1322

When Trixie tries to get her revenge on Twilight one of her spells goes awry and backfires on her.

When The Great and Powerful Trixie stumbles across an old book riddled with forbidden magic she decides to use it to exact her revenge on Twilight. After weeks of careful preparation she conducts a ritual to summon what the book describes as "the legendary beasts of chaos and destruction". Unfortunately for the young unicorn not all things go as planned as these mysterious specimens aren't too keen on following her orders, nor does she understand the true nature of their abilities.

What is she to do now? How can she tame these horrifying beasts? Will she ever achieve her revenge and rise back to stardom? More importantly: what exactly are a "lawyer" and an "accountant" and how does she go about unlocking their "latent powers"?

Rated teen for mild use of coarse language.

Published 2012-08-22 18:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-22 18:04:01 UTC

Prologue: From Trixie with love

Hello my enthusiastic little reader and good day to you,

I dedicate this letter to you in order to pass down my story, in the hopes you will share it with the rest of your species and in doing so prevent the same catastrophe that befell my kind. Though you may think it coincidence that you happened upon the musings of my mind and the greatness of my prose, I assure you that it is not. For I am of prodigious intellect and vast knowledge, and it is through the machinations and devises of my superior brain that you have found yourself in possession of this diary. Know that I have selected you, stupid and unworthy as you are, to carry out my will and legacy: that you and your peers might live in the wake and fear of me, your savior, and burn these memories into your puny minds, lest you be consumed by the evil that plagued my world.

I know that you might think I've made a mistake upon choosing you, that you might be weak and imperfect for this task, and your fears are not without reason, for this is most certainly true. But don't worry, because even though your existence might be pathetic, that of your savior is not. I am of no delusion and know with certainty that my reputation precedes me and so allow me to assuage your doubts, for it is none other than the Great and Powerful Trixie who dares transcend the void of time and space to relay this message, directly to you.

Surely you know by now that once upon a time I was called the greatest magician in existence, a being of unmatched power and unparalleled magical ability. But just as well you might have also heard the fallacious rumors of my demise at the hooves of a fellow unicorn. Now, Trixie will not fault you for trying to quench your thirst for knowledge of her and, in this noble pursuit, happening to come by false tales of how one known as Twilight Sparkle bested me in a magical contest. However you must know that these tales are nothing but lies and wild exaggerations at best, spawned by jealousy no doubt, for I was tricked by that vixen and that defeat, if it can so be called, was only temporary.

This is irrelevant however, because my superiority is without question and Trixie does not need prove herself in an infantile test of will, and so I write to you with another purpose: to warn you of the evils of these creatures called "humans" so that you may guard yourself against them. Now, Trixie knows that your tiny little brain might be confused with all this information and surely you must be asking yourself "but Great and Powerful Trixie, what is a human? and how do they look like?" Rest easy, Trixie will tell you in detail precisely what they are so pay attention.

Humans are bipedal creatures that average about five to six feet in length. They are ugly and mostly hairless, save for some parts in their body like their head, face and torso. Their forelegs are long and end up in tentacle like appendages called "fingers", while their hindlegs are muscular and are covered in short, stubby lumps called "toes". Though Trixie has only ever seen two of them it is safe to assume that they lack tails. As a result of their hairless appearance humans usually resort to clothing to cover their entire bodies in order to protect themselves from the elements, and "Rape", as they were kind enough to tell me.

Surely Trixie knows through that description that they do not look like very frightening creatures but I warn you not to let yourself be fooled by appearances and reserve your judgement until I have finished my story, for Trixie too tried to warn her kind of the dangers these beasts represented only to be greeted by mockery and indifference. Now, as my world stands on the brink do ponies realize the foolishness of their actions and what it's cost them. So don't make the same mistake, because even though humans might look unimpressive, it is the cultural and behavioral aspects of these beings that make them so dangerous.

To begin with let me note that humans are omnivores, that is to say they eat everything. And by everything I don't mean broccoli or other disgusting things that are below the standards of the Great and Powerful Trixie. No, I mean EVERYTHING. Fruits, vegetables, meat, poultry, fishes, and wheat. Their appetite is a voracious one and they have no qualm nor reservation in gobbling down innocent creatures that mean no harm to them. Perhaps this is related to the fact that their brain, unlike in most creatures, is not located in the head but in their stomachs, as it was that part of their anatomy which seemed to command most control over their actions. Alternatively, some humans house such organ in their "butts", as one of them suggested when referring to his companion.

Also to note are that humans are coprophagous. While not a regular part of their diet, humans usually feed on feces as part of a ritual to calm their nerves and cleanse their soul. Though Trixie never bore witness to such an act (and she certainly doubts she would have been capable to) she has sufficient evidence to conclude that it took place several times while she wasn't watching them. It was almost on a daily basis that the humans would engage in this strange ritual which started usually with a quarrel an ended when either one of them, under considerable emotional distress, would kindly instruct the other to "go eat shit", and act upon which said person would leave our presence to go get "cleansed". Trixie too was once offered the opportunity to participate in this ritual by one of them (a sign of acceptance no doubt), though she had to turn them down because such practices are completely beneath her.

As for their beliefs human have a varied range of deities, leading Trixie to believe they are polytheists. During their stay they found it routinely necessary to invoke a number of them when facing adverse or particularly difficult circumstances: "Jesus", "God", "Christ", and "Fuck" were amongst the most commonly named, though one of them did point out that the first three were kinda the same, much in the same way "Rape" and "Politics" (other deities I presume) are kinda the same. Still, for all the gods humans have they're not very devout: no tributes or rituals were ever offered to them, with the exception of their use of clothing which was routinely worn to appease "Rape" as previously mentioned.

Where gender is concerned, humans differ from the terms stallion or mare and categorize themselves as either "assholes" or "bitches". Though not dissimilar in appearance the two of them are told apart in that the first usually goes about purposefully enraging everypony and walking around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment, while the latter sticks behind him and constantly whines about it. The humans I met were, of course, an asshole and a bitch, though Trixie believes the first might have been a hermaphrodite, for the bitch would use both terms interchangeably to refer to him.

And with that said, now that you know how to identify a human, Trixie believes you are ready for her tale. Be warned that the amazing feats mentioned in this diary are the works of a higher power, and under no circumstance should an amateur like yourself attempt to copy the Great and Powerful Trixie. Listen well, because this story, of epic deeds and unbelievable feats, has but a modest beginning, befitting of a modest pony like myself, and so it starts simply, with a regular Saturday afternoon in Trottingham....