Wizard of Whitetail Woods III
Chapter 3
Admiral Biscuit

Morning dawned as it normally does. The stars faded as the dark sky lightened, nocturnal creatures returned to their burrows and nests, crepuscular creatures came out, and they were quickly followed by early birds who not only caught the worm, but who wanted to tweet to every other creature in the forest about it.

The Wizard observed all of this. Unbeknownst to KitKat, he’d woken up in the middle of the night, having felt the call of nature. Beknownst to her (but not immediately to him), he was securely tied in position and couldn’t answer the call.

Since then, he’d spent the rest of a restless night alternating between anger at the fact that his travelling companion had betrayed him—unaware that he’d betrayed her first—; worrying that all Gaia’s creatures who were interested in snacking on a helpless Wizard might consider him worth snacking on; and trying not to piss himself.

To an extent, he had a ranged weapon and she’d left the ropes loose enough that he could roll at least, but he wasn’t wise enough at wilderness lore to be certain which way the ground sloped, nor was he skilled enough to aim without a hand on his maypole.

KitKat also spent a sleepless night, tossing and turning as she tried to find a comfortable position. Ponyloaf was out: humans didn’t bend that way. Prone got weird on her neck after a while; her stupidly large tits made resting on her side uncomfortable; supine left her feeling vulnerable.

Not to mention that her blanket was sized for a pony, which meant it wasn’t long enough to cover her human form completely.

Furthermore, the realization that her cutie mark had vanished from her hips also weighed heavily on her mind. Had she spent more time examining herself, she would have discovered that it had just moved to her back, spreading out into a proper tramp stamp. That was something that the Wizard would notice, but that was later, after he got up.

💦

Later, after he got up, the Wizard finally had his long-deferred meeting with nature. While he had occasionally fantasized about this exact situation, it turned out that he had minor performance anxiety when there was an extremely pissed-off naked chick just out of reach behind him, and that that extremely pissed-off naked chick had a rope in one hand—the other end looped around his neck—and a wickedly sharp tabarzin in her other. One slice, and it’d easily take his head off.

Either of them.

Unlike women, the Wizard was not accustomed to casual conversation while using the bathroom (or in this case, a tree), but he did his best. “You look sexy this morning.”

His compliment fell on deaf, non-mobile ears. “You’re about to look like something I scraped off my shoe after stepping in it by mistake.” She clenched her fist around her axe. “Either piss or get off the poplar.”

💦

Breakfast was a tense affair. KitKat was the better cook of the two, that was unquestionable, and she was familiar with cooking human food. She was not used to eating it, something the Wizard became acutely aware of when she set her bowl of oatmeal on the ground and stuck her face in, lapping it up with her tongue.

He kept his mouth shut, because he preferred that all his appendages stayed attached. He’d already estimated that she was unlikely to murder him before he turned her back into a pony, but that there was a seventy-five percent chance she wasn’t opposed to lopping off a limb to motivate him.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay. I didn’t know that I sleepwalked, nor did I know that I could cast spells in my sleep.”

“We can fix one of those things with a chastity cage,” she said. “Or a Prince Albert, a short length of chain, and a butt plug.”

The Wizard hesitated for a moment, imagining how that would work, then shuddered as he figured it out. “Let’s not be hasty. Let’s consider the advantages.”

“I’m cold and these dumb tits make my back hurt.”

“Well. . . .”

“So hurry up and get your peen out and turn me back into a pony.”

“It’s not that simple,” he said. “I’m just not feeling it right now.”

“You are without a doubt the most useless Wizard I have ever encountered. Can’t cast a single spell without your third leg being hard, and you’ve got to have a hundredweight of porn magazines to keep you going. You ruined my copy of Six Shades of Grey. I’d had that since I was a filly, you know.”

He hung his head in shame.

“So what’s it gonna take? Huh?” She wiped the oatmeal off her nose with the back of her hand and stood up. “I’m one of your pinup girls now; I’ve got the tits you like so much and I’d wink my clit at you but it turns out humans can’t do that. What’s it gonna take to get you hard? Do I have to find another wandering spider?”

“Please don’t.” He cringed at the memory. Treatment for the spider-induced priapism had involved a monster needle to drain the stagnant blood out of his corpora cavernosa. Until that moment, he’d fantasized about having a hot nurse hold his johnston; now, like so many of his adolescent dreams, it had shattered into a million pieces. “Maybe if we were to, you know.”

“Not a chance. You got your magic by fucking a unicorn, you told me that, and I’m not going to risk you losing it by fucking a human.”

“You’re not really a human,” he countered.

She crossed her arms and gave him a death glare. “Really? Because I certainly look like one. And I feel like one. Inside and out. Do you know how weird it is to have an extra bone that I didn’t have before?”

“A bone?” The wizard blanched. “Oh, God, there’s a skeleton inside you.”

He got to his feet and tried to run, but only made it ten feet before the rope pulled taut and yanked him off his feet.

He crashed to the forest floor, whimpering and blubbering as KitKat—in the form of Miss July 2008—crouched over him.

Author's Note

An em dash followed by a semicolon? What madness is this? Could it get any worse?