Or, "And Now I Am Become Book Horse"
Twilight's frown deepened as her eyes continued to read the rather needlessly long Royal Petition that was currently grasped in her telekinesis. The petition, underneath a mountain of empty flattery and boasting, was a request to the crown for assistance in a dispute over a contested piece of land in the Southwestern reaches of Equestria. Apparently, the Noble who had submitted the request believed that one of his rivals was attempting to encroach upon some sort of agricultural operation, and said rival was also apparently ignoring any sort of face to face discussion with the petitioner. What was most interesting however, was that the rival actually had submitted a counterclaim, complete with the information that he had a legitimate right to the land since his father had married into the other Noble's family. This, the stage was set for a civil conflict of likely epic proportions.
Unfortunately, there was very little Twilight could do to help either party, which is something they really should have been aware of. After all, this was a situation very clearly outlined in Article C, Section IV, Subsection XII of the Equestrian Constitution. Said Constitution had been in effect for nearly 350 years now, ever since Celestia had decided that she was simply not efficient enough to handle every problem that Equestria's citizens had. That very same document stated that the princess could not interfere in law cases where no actual crime had been committed, and, unfortunately for these two parties, neither had actually done anything illegal yet. This case would have to be settled in civil court.
Twilight sighed as she used her magic to place the document in the pile marked "No Action" and winced when she noticed how high the stack had grown. She had been slowly coming to the realization that quite a lot of ponies, especially those in the nobility it seemed, were quite unaware of the inner workings of basic Equestrian law. This was quite surprising to her, as even the ponies in Ponyville had seemed, at the very least, aware of what avenues to pursue certain legal ventures through. Though, admittedly, that had only seemed to be the case after she had gone on a three hour long tirade about how a slew of small, completely uncontested monopolies were controlling the small town's economy. She had even gone so far as to hand out copies of the laws concerning the nation's economy to everypony that she could find. A slight blush tinged her face at the memory and how she had sworn off hard cider after the incident. She especially knew that Rainbow Dash was never going to let her live that one down.
Wait a second... Twilight's nose scrunched up and her brow furrowed as she retraced the trail that her thoughts had just been down. After a moment, she whipped her tail excitedly as an idea blossomed in her head. She would just sign a Royal Decree and make the Equestrian Constitution mandatory reading for every citizen, including all members of the nobility! This was a brilliant idea with no flaws whatsoever! "Spike, I need to dictate something to you."
A moment after Twilight had called out to him, a youthful, purple dragon hurried into the room. The medal around his neck was still a bit bigger than he was used to, so its weight nearly caused him to lose his balance and drop the quill and parchment in his hands as he stopped. Spike quickly recovered however, and looked up at Twilight excitedly. "What do you need Twilight? Your number one Royal advisor is here to help, heh heh." With a flourish, Spike punctuated the end of his sentence by pressing the end of the quill to the parchment.
"Perfect punctuality Spike, now I need you to listen closely. This will be my first ever Royal Decree, so I need this to be written down verbatim." Noticing Spike's worry, Twilight quickly used her magic to give the small dragon a dictionary. He had been getting better at spelling larger words, but still had occasional trouble. Normally, she would have had a slew of synonyms ready, but she really wanted this to sound regal and important. It was her very first action as High Princess after all, and the last thing she wanted was for it to sound like she was treating the readers like they never graduated from elementary school.
She put a good to her chest for a moment and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. "Are you ready Spike?" The young dragon opened the dictionary to the approximate center and gave a nod. "Alright, here we go then." With one final breath, Twilight began to dictate the document to Spike.
Attention citizens of Equestria,
In Accordance with the wishes of High Princess Twilight Sparkle, this decree has been issued to correct a recurring issue that has recently come to the Princess' attention. It has been recently discovered that many ponies appear to lack basic knowledge of the many intricate legal systems in place to assist the citizens of Equestria in a variety of civil issues. Primarily, many seem to be ignorant of the fact that the Princess, even in her position as the supreme legal authority, cannot interfere with the determination of non-criminal cases. Civil disputes must be settled in civil court, and the Princess, in accordance with the Equestrian Constitution, cannot assist either side in said disputes.
As such, the Princess has made the decision that it would be in the best interests of the nation for a new policy to be set in place. Said policy has been termed the "Corrective Literary Education Initiative" or CLEI for shorthand. CLEI contains two main pieces of legislative action, which are as follows:
Every citizen of Equestria is hereby mandated to submit a comprehensive, hoofwritten summary of the Equestrian Constitution to be reviewed by the Princess within two weeks time of the first issuance of this decree.
The Princess has the right to add additional pieces of literature considered "essential" to the Initiative at any time she so chooses, and reports on said pieces of literature will posses their own two week window for submission.
Failure of any Equestrian citizen to comply with this legislation will be met with punishment at the discretion of the Princess.
Twilight Sparkle, High Princess of Equestria
Three Weeks Later
Twilight wasn't entirely sure what she had been thinking when she had Spike send that damnable decree to every corner of Equestria. What she did know was that she now had an entire rebellion at the gates of the castle, burning copies of the Equestrian Constitution held up on pikes above the mob. What most surprised her was the identity of the six ponies leading the mob. The past three weeks had not been kind to Starlight and the others, and the Elements that adorned them were looking far more "anti-literature" than she remembered. Said elements also appeared to have accepted Starlight as the new bearer of Magic, since Twilight had been branded as "fallen" by the populace. Really, just because her mane, tail, and teeth had become a bit more intimidating didn't mean she had fallen.
"Ye rebels! Leave my gates or face the power of my literary devices! Metaphors of doom be upon thee!"
Ok, maybe she had taken to speaking in the old Equestrian dialect, but that still didn't mean that she had fallen. She heard a voice cry from down below.
"Twilight, you have to stop! Your obsession with books is consuming you!
Starlight had tears in her eyes, but Twilight laughed at the smaller pony's insolence.
"I am no longer merely Twilight Sparkle fool, I am now become the mighty Ponenheimer, creator of the greatest literature of all time! Behold!"
Ponenheimer's horn ignited with a dark glow and massive books began to rain down upon the rebels. Starlight and several other unicorns created a large shield to protect the crowd, but the bookish assault did not cease. It appeared as though Ponenheimer could not be stopped.
"Hahahahahaha! Bow before my literary prowess knaves!"
She laughed maniacally as the elements began to glow. Starlight wiped a year from her eye as a rainbow formed around her and the other bearers. "I'm sorry Twilight."
Ponenheimer stopped laughing and began to scream as the friendship rainbow engulfed her. The next thing she knew, she was surrounded by moon rocks.
"Oh come on! I thought the perk "Pen of the gods" gave me resistance to plot devices!"
"Sorry Sparkle, I don't use 5th edition O&O rules, you should know this. In fact, I think I've told you this before today." Discord replied from his chair with a spy grin. "But isn't much more interesting this way? Now your character can return and be cleansed in a thousand years just like Lulu. Isn't it exciting?" He snapped his fingers and a plushie of Twilight on the moon appeared in his hands.
"I thought the perk was the same in 3.5 though. Isn't it?" Twilight responded from across the table. In response to her question, Shining Armor used his magic to give her the rulebook, already open to the needed page.
"Sorry Twily, though the perk is the same, Harmony magic isn't considered a plot device in 3.5." Shining placed a comforting hoof on Twilight's shoulder, "Hey, you did pretty good for your first game though."
Discord piped up once more, now from inside the manual in front of Twilight, "yes, I suppose you'll just have to read more carefully next time!" Twilight sighed as confetti exploded from the book. She was starting to hate these books.
Author's Note
Something random I thought up in the middle of the night.
