Chapter Eight
The E Word

⠀

⠀
It was unbecoming for the Princess of Friendship to have so much difficulty talking to her friends. For the second time in a week, Twilight found herself outside of Starlight’s bedroom, willing herself to knock on the door.

She went over the conversation in her head, not for the first time. She’d apologize for her outburst, and then apologize for avoiding her friend. Then they’d have a discussion about where the kiss came from and how to best move on from it. It was simple.

So why did it feel so damn complicated? No matter what happened, it had to start by knocking on the door. She just had to do it. Just… knock. It wouldn’t be hard, she just had to make a fist and rap against the door.

And she would. Any minute now, she would knock on the door. She just… had to build up the nerve.

Twilight stared at the door instead of knocking on it. ‘What’s wrong with me?’

As she contemplated that, the door opened. “Oh,” Starlight said as they suddenly came face to face. “Twilight.”

Twilight blinked, and when she opened her eyes, they were wide with surprise of seeing her friend. Which was silly, since Starlight’s room was a likely place to run into her, but…

She shook her head. This wasn’t helping. “Starlight. Can we talk?”

“Uh, sure…” Starlight shifted her weight, but she didn’t step aside to let Twilight in. “What’s up?”

Twilight didn’t let it get to her. She took a deep breath and said the only thing she could say under the circumstances. “I’m sorry. For, well… everything.”

“You’re sorry?” Starlight frowned.

“I am. I shouldn’t have freaked out on you, and I shouldn’t have been avoiding you like I have been.”

“You’ve been avoiding me?” Starlight laughed a little, which took Twilight off guard. “But that’s not fair, I’ve been avoiding you!”

“You have?” Twilight blinked, then she snickered. “Okay, so we’ve been avoiding each other. Maybe we can, er, not do that?”

“Yeah, okay.” Starlight kicked at the ground. “Well, I guess we should talk then.”

“That’s, uhm, that’s why I asked? To talk?”

“Right, yeah, of course.” Starlight finally stepped back into her room, and Twilight followed. She sat on her bed, so Twilight did likewise. “Look, I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“And I’m sorry I reacted the way I did.”

“No, you were right. I was out of line.” Starlight gave a little smile. “You have a lot going on, and I shouldn’t have added to it. And, well, the things I said…”

Twilight chanced some contact, putting her hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I shouldn’t have said that about Fluttershy, and about Pinkie. Whatever happened between you two is your own business, and I should stay out of it.”

Twilight sighed. “Can I tell you what happened?”

Starlight smirked. “Well… that is going to make staying out of it a little difficult. Are you sure you want to talk to me about that?”

Twilight pulled her hand back and ran it through her hair. “I talked to Rarity about it today, but I’m still trying to process what happened and how I feel.”

“Yeah, okay.” Starlight nodded. “If talking to me will help, then I’m all ears.”

“Well… at first I just thought she was curious. You know, scientifically.”

“Uh huh. Because Pinkie is just brimming with scientific curiosity.”

Twilight blushed a little, feeling stupid for ever thinking that. “I don’t know what I was thinking. But when she asked to see it, I thought okay, it’s just because it’s a novel. And then she asked if I wanted to… experiment with it.”

“Uh oh, I see the problem.” Starlight gently pushed Twilight a little. “She used the E word, and you couldn’t help yourself.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, though it wasn’t far from the truth. “So I agreed. It was my decision. And she… did things. With, uhm, her hands. And… her mouth.”

“I see.” It did not escape Twilight’s attention that Starlight must have been exercising a great level of restraint to not tease her friend about this, and she appreciated it. “Was that your first time? I mean, obviously with this equipment, but in general?”

“Doing that, yes. Flash had tried to use his mouth before we, er, slept together. But I stopped him. I… I thought I didn’t want anyone putting their mouth down there, you know? I thought I was just embarrassed. But… then when it was Pinkie…”

“When it was Pinkie, or when it was a mare?”

“When it was a mare,” Twilight said. “I don’t… I mean, I care about Pinkie a lot, she’s a great friend, but I don’t… I’m not…”

“You don’t see her like that,” Starlight finished. “It’s okay, Twi.”

“I know, but it makes me feel guilty for what happened.”

“You agreed to it, but it was Pinkie’s idea. And I know this might sound strange to the prude pony princess, but someponies like giving blowjobs.”

“I’m not that prude!”

“Uh huh. Say the word ‘blowjob’ without blushing.”

That was silly; Twilight didn’t need to say the word to blush, simply hearing it was enough. “Yeah, well, it’s not like it’s something I grew up talking about!”

“I know, I know. You didn’t do the horny teenager thing. You hung out with Princess Celestia and your brothers and never even thought those dirty little thoughts.”

“That’s not true…”

“Oh, really?” Starlight grinned knowingly. “You get into raunchy conversations with your friends back then?”

“No, that part’s true, but…” Twilight looked off to the side, unwilling to look at Starlight. Instead she watched the lava lamp illuminate a poster of some band that was too loud for Twilight to stomach. “I always… thought about stuff…”

“Oh.” Starlight scooted closer so they were side by side. “And you didn’t have friends back then, so you didn’t have anyone to tell you that was normal. I’m sure Celestia and your parents didn’t.”

“I, er, I found a magazine once. In Shining’s room.”

“And I’m guessing we’re not talking about one of his nerdy game magazines?”

Twilight shook her head. “He was away doing his military training. I knew what it was. I wasn’t so sheltered that I didn’t know what sex and porn were, you know? But I’d never seen it. So I took it into my room and read through my parents were asleep.”

“You read it?” Starlight laughed. “No, of course you actually read it.”

“I did. I mean, I looked at the pictures too, but there were stories about sex and stuff, and I read those. And I… I learned how to, you know…”

“Masturbate?”

“Yeah. I learned how to… do that. There were pictures of mares touching themselves, and I copied them, and I… I never stopped. I did it all the time.”

“And you felt like you were a dirty filly for ever doing anything like that?” Starlight put an arm around Twilight and pulled her closer.

Twilight leaned against her friend, placing her own arm around Starlight’s back. “Yeah. So, you know, I’m not some super prude who can’t stand the thought of sex stuff. I just… It’s different when it’s Pinkie.”

“Well… how come? I mean, she was happy to do it, right?”

“I… I guess…”

“So… what are you thinking? Tell me exactly, because I don’t want to make assumptions and tell you the wrong thing.”

“I… I keep thinking about when I slept with Flash.”

“Yeah? How did that make you feel?”

“Bad. Not when it was happening. I… I didn’t really like it too much, but I kind of did? It’s hard to explain.”

“I think I can understand. Mechanically, sex should be positive, right? You’ve got nerve clusters and pleasure centers that don’t care if it’s a mare or stallion. But your brain knows, and that wasn’t okay with things.”

Twilight nodded, nuzzling against Starlight a little in the process. “I think you’re right. So I was… conflicted. But afterwards, when the, er, the stimulation was over, it was just guilt. I felt so bad for letting someone inside me like that.”

“Letting someone, or letting a stallion?”

Twilight frowned, although Starlight couldn’t see. “I don’t know. I like Flash as much as I could ever like a stallion. I don’t think it was anything about him, except maybe that he is a stallion.”

“I really hope you don’t need me to tell you that it’s okay to be gay.”

Twilight laughed a little. “No, that part I came to terms with a long time ago.”

“So then you know there’s nothing wrong with not wanting a stallion to touch you like that.”

“Yeah, I do know that. I just… I felt the same way after doing things with Pinkie. And I just… is that how people feel after sex?”

“Okay, first off, congratulations for saying ‘sex’!” Starlight booped Twilight’s muzzle. “Secondly, no, not normally. I think you have a lot of negative thoughts towards sex that you need to work through.”

“I know sex is okay, that as long as it’s between two consenting adults, it’s fine.”

“I know you know that it’s okay for ponies to have sex, but do you know it’s okay for you to? And that you’re allowed to enjoy it?”

Twilight winced. “I know that, but… I don’t feel like it at the time.”

Starlight was quiet for a moment, then she said, “Twilight, have you ever kissed a mare?”

“What? Why?”

“Just humor me.”

Twilight didn’t have to think hard for that question, it wasn’t a long list. “Yes. Three times. Pinkie kissed me before we did things, and then when I was a teenager, I kissed a girl named Moondancer. And, well, you.”

“So the second mare you ever kissed was immediately followed by a blowjob. Great. Because that’s perfectly normal…”

Twilight pulled away a little. “Well, it’s not like I planned that!”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Since Twilight was no longer leaning on Starlight, she pulled Twilight into a hug instead. “I meant, well, you kinda jumped into the deep end when you have all these holdups. No waiting until you’re ready and all that.”

“I guess you’re right…”

“And me springing it on you didn’t help any…”

“Don’t blame yourself too much.” Twilight pulled out of the hug, taking hold of Starlight’s hands as she did. “I did kiss you back.”

Starlight looked down at their hands. “You did. Why?”

“I don’t know.” Twilight closed her eyes and thought back to the kiss. She remembered the feeling of Starlight’s lips on hers. “I guess… because… I wanted to.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Starlight pulled one of her hands free so she could stroke Twilight’s cheek. “Look, let me be clear. I… kind of like you, Twi. And I’ve had a few girlfriends by now. I’m not a teenager anymore, I don’t feel like I have to act on these feelings. If you want to just be friends, that’s perfectly fine. But I do like you, and I guess in light of everything, you should know that.”

“I kind of figured that out. What I don’t know is… how I feel about you.”

Starlight nodded. “You’ve been really focussed on Fluttershy. You do know it’s okay to have feelings for more than one pony, right?”

“You know Shining is in a poly relationship, right?” Twilight said with a smirk. “I think any preconceived notions I had on love went away when he and Cady started dating Sunburst.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes you hold yourself to different standards.”

“I guess I do.” Twilight took a deep breath. “I know it’d be okay to have feelings for both of you, but… I don’t know if I do.”

“And that’s okay!” Starlight held up her hands. “Look, nothing has to happen between us. Or we can just be cuddle buddies, or whatever you want. It’s fine, I’m not pushing you.”

“I appreciate that.”

“And I want you to remember that when I propose this.”

“Uh oh.” Twilight couldn’t help but grin, even though she knew whatever was coming would be out of left field.

“Stay the night with me?”

Twilight arched an eyebrow in response.

“We don’t have to have sex. We don’t have to kiss, or anything like that. We’ll move completely at your pace, but… I think it might help you to experience intimacy with another woman. Then you can build your way up to stuff like sex when you’re ready.”

“I… I guess that makes sense.”

“Consider it an experiment.”

“Oh, you used the E word!”

Starlight laughed. “Yeah, I pulled out the big guns. So what do you say?”

“Fine. Okay. I’ll do it.”

“Alright! It’ll be nice, we’ll just cuddle up for the night, and we can go from there. And hey, this doesn’t have to mean anything, okay? If things happen with Fluttershy, I’m ready to back off in an instant.”

Twilight nodded slowly. “Okay.”

Starlight stood up. “In that case, I’ll change into PJs. Wanna go get changed, or just borrow one of mine?”

“I’ll just borrow something of yours, if you don’t mind.”

Starlight nodded. “You got it.” She opened a drawer on her dresser and pulled out a large shirt, which she tossed to Twilight, then a pair of pajama pants.

Twilight stood up and pulled off her clothes, removing her shirt, bra, and skirt. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Starlight was doing the same, but she didn’t pay much mind to that. She pulled on the shirt first, then the pants, then she collapsed into the bed.

As she did, she got a brief view of Starlight pulling on her own shirt. She had her arms over her head and the shirt covering her face, but her breasts were exposed. Twilight’s gaze lingered on them for a moment, but she turned away before Starlight could see that she was looking.

‘Great, stare at your friend changing. Real classy, Twi…’

None the wiser, Starlight finished dressing and climbed into bed. She cuddled up beside Twilight, lying on her side while Twilight was on her back. “Have you ever slept like this with another mare?”

“Moondancer, when we were teenagers.”

“Oh yeah? Sounds like there was something going on there.”

“No. I… I wanted it. I think she did too. But we were stupid kids, so neither of us ever talked about how we felt.”

“Ah, useless lesbians.” Starlight grinned. “When I was a colt, I was expected to make the first move. I think the lesson stuck, because I’ve always been a little more forward.”

“Yeah, you don’t say.” They both laughed. “This is nice.”

“Yeah, it is.” Starlight reached across Twilight’s stomach, holding her as they cuddled up. “You feeling okay?”

“You know, we’ve cuddled before,” Twilight pointed out. “This isn’t really new, even if it is for the whole night.”

“Fair.”

Twilight looked into Starlight’s face. She was very pretty, a fact that had never escaped Twilight’s attention. True, she’d never really thought about the two of them together, but she had a perfectly serviceable pair of eyes and could easily admire the sight of her friend’s face.

But this time, her eyes lingered on those lips, and her thoughts reminded her that she knew exactly how soft they would be. And she also knew that Starlight wouldn’t mind if…

“Penny for your thoughts?” Starlight said.

Twilight blushed. “I was just thinking, uhm…”

“No being embarrassed. It’s just me, Twi.”

“I know. But, well, promise not to tease me?”

“Oh, right, it is me… Yeah, I promise.”

Twilight swallowed the lump in her throat, then looked back at that pretty face beside her. “You said we can move at my pace, right?”

“Is this too much?”

“No, I… can I kiss you?”

Starlight smiled. “Isn’t that what got us into this mess?”

“Yeah, but… Well, I’m ready this time. I… I want to kiss another mare. Someone I trust, and someone I know where I stand with. And… and there’s no one I’d rather try that with than you.”

“Okay.” Starlight cupped Twilight’s face, and she rolled over to her side.

Twilight leaned forward and closed her eyes. She let Starlight close the rest of the distance, and felt the softness of her lips when they pressed against hers. They kissed once, then twice, then Starlight pulled away.

“How was that?” she asked.

Twilight blushed, but she smiled as well. “It was nice. Thank you.”

“Yeah, well, I like kissing you too.”

Twilight wasn’t sure what to say, but before she could figure it out, she started laughing. Starlight joined in, and the two of them held each other, both laughing.

Twilight leaned forward again, this time putting her forehead against Starlight’s and looking into her soft purple eyes. They both looked at each other for a moment, then Twilight closed the distance to kiss her again. It was a feeling she was quite sure she could get used to.

Author's Note

With this chapter, the story will go back on hiatus for a bit. I'm really trying to focus on my first full length Deltarune fanfic right now, but if I need to break for something else I might come back and write the next chapter of Torn. So really, I can't say when I'll get to this, but don't expect anything too soon or steady.