Night of the Manless Head-Horse

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2344

A horsehead mask comes to Equestria. Everypony mistakens it for Luna for some reason.

Didn't you read that short lil' descriptadoodle thingy back there? That's the story!

Written for the CRACK-STORM 2020 writeoff.

Published 2020-03-31 09:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-31 09:20:01 UTC

Didn't this happen to Twilight already?

It was a night of deep darkness. The windows were shuttered, the doors were boarded. The sky loomed an eerie black as a murder of crows passed over Canterlot.

A glint of light-- a mysterious object! Something enveloped in flame, hurtling through the atmosphere! Perhaps it is a fallen star, or a prophetic comet! Faster and faster it fell, past the clouds, past the crows-- there was no telling what disaster could've awaited upon its arrival on this dear land.

...

...

The scorched, still-burning horsehead mask crashed through the paper-thin roof of Canterlot Castle, fell three stories, and flopped onto Luna's bed. As for the mare herself, who knows where she went.

"Darrel, look! How's this horsehead mask fitting on me?"

"Bob... I hate to tell you this, but that's not a mask."

"Hm," Bob lifted Luna off his head and set her back in the bargain bin. "Eh, I'll find something else then."

...Nopony knows...

Anyhoo, the crows flew away, the day came, ponies yeeted themselves out the door at ludicrous speeds, and the time finally came for the Princess of the Night to make her appearance at Canterlot's latest monument to everypony's favorite lord and savior, Twibright Smirkle!

Of course, Twibright wasn't actually real, having originated as a badly-drawn characature of Twilight choking on a half-cooked quesadilla, but nopony cared. They were there for Luna!

"Princess," one of the royal carriage puller ponies (or are they just demoted guards?) commented, glancing back at the horsehead mask laying in the backseat. "Are you sure you're ready for today's event?"

"Of course she's ready!" Celestia cheered, pulling the horsehead mask in for a tight hug before booting it out the side of the carriage for it to plummet down to the crowd below. "Good luck down there, sister!"

Everypony's cheers turned to gasps of shock and horror as the horsehead mask less-than-majestically bounced several times off the Twibright Smirkle statue before landing muzzle-first on the stage.

"She's okay!" Celestia teleported down, grinning from ear-to-ear as she lifted the horsehead mask with her magic. "See? No scuffs, no scratches-- and a perfect time for our segway into today's sponsor, Royal Canterlot™ brand face cream! Buy a tub of the stuff now for only $19.99 and your secondborn child!"

A hoof raised in the audience. "What about Raid: Shadow Legends?"

"Oh, don't worry," Celestia chuckled. The horsehead mask bobbed along in the elder Princess's magic. "I already sold out to them last time, when my sister here showed me how great of a game it is!"

"And what about that secondborn child part? What happened to the first-born child?"

Celestia shrugged. "Flim and Flam already laid claim to 'em with their as-seen-on-TV special last week. Second-born is good enough." Her eyes flitted over the crowd, watching for potential buyers so that she could further fuel her unhealthy addiction to 'cake'. "Nopony? Ah well, I'll find some other way to raise your taxes then!"

She switched her spell to another teleportation and vanished, leaving the horsehead mask lingering for a moment before falling onto the stage again. The crowd immediately erupted into hysterical cheering, for Goddess Luna had arrived, even though the horsehead mask had been there that entire time, and Luna was never there to begin with. Speaking of which, I wonder how that mare's doing right now?

"Awww, who's a cute lil' doggo wearing a weirdly-shaped horse on their head? It's youuuuuuu!"

Luna rolled her eyes, yawning as she continued to somehow sit on top of the dog's head while its owner recorded them.

Such a pity. She must have passed away by now.

But this story's not about Luna, it's about Luna! Er... 'Luna'.

Whatever the case, Luna or not, the ponies didn't mind. Their Goddess had arrived, and that meant it was time for celebration.

"PRAISE THE SUN!"

All eyes shifted to the armored pony.

"Praise the... moon?"

A god ray courtesy of Celestia herself promptly smote him for his sin.

Horsehead mask, of course, being a horsehead mask, simply flopped over lifeless as ever. Nopony seemed to mind. Luna had a habit of randomly collapsing into a lifeless heap without warning, didn't she?

...

...

"QUICK!" Celestia swooped down again, picking up her ~~sister~~ horsehead mask and yeeting it out of the area. "The story must go on! Be free, my sister!"

The gaggle of frothing ponies rushed after their now-airborne 'Sweet Princess', following the horsehead mask as the wind rippled over its masterfully sculpted rubber features. Up and over the hills they followed; in and out of buildings, barreling through fields, even once or twice passing through the mirror portal itself and back again. Trust me, you do not want to see a humanhead mask made for horses.

...Unless you do. In that case, Flim and Flam is the right choice for you! Roll the ad, 'cause it's seque time!

"Do you or a loved one suffer from mesosqueelioma? If you do--"

"No, ya doofus! That's last month's ad! We've got a brand new product for you!"

The stage curtains opened at Flim's direction, revealing Flam posing atop a cart and gently stroking the lacquered wood finish. He pat the cart's roof a couple times.

A soft smile radiated off Flam's face, as if he'd given up or something.

"Run."

The cart burst open, flinging Flam toward the camera. Flim signaled for recording to begin before running out of the way of the explosion.

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO FIND YOURSELF BEING BLOWN CLEAN OFF THE TOP OF YOUR CART?"

A second explosion rippled through the studio. Flam ragdolled across the room in the background while Flim continued shouting.

"HOW MANY BONES DID YOU BREAK BEFORE ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH?"

"Oh, I just found more bones to break! They were right here all alon--"

Another thud echoed across the stage as Flam collided with something again.

"WELL," Flim ignored his brother's screaming. "WITH OUR BRAND NEW, DEFINITELY NOT STOLEN PRODUCT, YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT EITHER OF THESE THINGS ANYMORE!"

The curtains lowered, concealing the now-flaming Flam and the burning remains of the cart to allow Flim to continue without distraction.

"Ahem. As I was saying," Flim cleared his throat and fixed his hat. "Our new product is 100% guaranteed to not be a copy of any existing remedy, treatment, or medication, and we will promise you that it works, or half your payment back, free!"

Flam poked out from behind the curtain, brushing more soot off his face before emerging. "Flim!" he whispered, "Have you even mentioned our delightful product yet?"

"Ah, I have not. Hold on a moment."

The lights turned off for a few seconds before coming back on again. Flam was nowhere to be seen, but Flim was now standing on top of a box of product.

"Flim here! And I've got Dusteze medicated bone ointment new rear-end formula! Nothing soothes a broken spine like, DUST-EZE WOW!" Flim tugged a rope for the curtains, allowing Flam to plummet back down onto the stage. "Listen to that crack! Use DUST-EZE and you too can look like me!"

Flam raised a shaky hoof. "Ka-chow!"

"Aaaaaand cut!" the camerapony waved a hoof. "Flim, will the customers be aware that Dusteze is just the dust you swept out of your empty bank vau--"

Nopony ever saw or heard from that camerapony again.

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled-- hold on, wait, what? The mask has landed here? Well, by all means, let the scene continue!

"Oh! Princess Luna!" Flim bowed right after tossing a bag out the window. "How... uh, sudden it is to see you here! I assume you would like to try some of our new closet dus-- I mean DUSTEZE?"

The horsehead mask's muzzle drooped a little under the heat of the stage lighting.

"Aw, Luna, you look like you'll need some. Here," Flim placed a container of dust on the mask's head. "This one's on the house, and by house, I mean the Royal Canterlot Billing Line. Please wire all your funds within 48 hours or we will send a collection agency your way."

Horsehead mask said nothing because it was horsehead mask. The ground started rumbling.

"Hrm..." Flam mumbled, peeling his face off the stage. "I don't remember reading that this stage had earthquake simulation technology."

The doors burst open. A torrential wave of ~~zombies~~ ponies poured in, making a beeline towards the mask-- and Flim.

The ~~scammer's~~ noble salespony's eyes widened at the sight of so many potential customers, especially when just a day earlier they failed to sell a pile of dirt to a worm. They still say it's the worm's fault.

"THANK YOU, O BLESSED PRINCESS!" Flim started bowing at the horsehead mask. "FOR YOU HAVE BROUGHT US ENOUGH CUSTOMERS TO MAKE OUR QUOTA FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE CIDER INCIDENT."

Horsehead mask, on the other hand... er, hoof, was currently being trampled by the stampede of ponies.

A warm, golden aura enveloped the tattered mask, lifting it into the air. The entire room grew silent.

"The-the Princess..." the fearful mare looked over the mask, growing increasingly panicked the more she saw of the damage. "She is injured! Is somepony here a medic? We can not, under any circumstances, reveal this to Celes--"

"Y'ello, y'all rung?" Celestia dropped down from the rafters, unfurling her wings in majestic glory... and unintentionally slapping everypony within her wingspan. "Something 'bout my sister?"

"I... I... uh..." the mare shrunk back, slowly lowering the mask. "Nothing! We were praising her moon and her beautiful night sky!"

Celestia cocked an eyebrow, firing it off as an ICBM and singlehoofedly ending a war that was about to be declared on Equestria.

Such a casual show of might obviously scared all those around her into submission.

"WE'RE SORRY, WE'RE SORRY!" the mare suddenly bawled, flinging the horsehead mask at Celestia, "WE HAVE GRIEVOUSLY INJURED YOUR SISTER IN A FANATIC FRENZY!"

"BUY SOME DUST-EZE!" Flim shouted before being smacked in the face.

"Eh, I've seen worse."

The mare blinked. "Excuse me?"

Celestia rotated the mask in her magic. "Oh, you sweet, sweet summer child... that cannot be discussed in an E-rated story like this one! Byeeeeee!"

Celestia lit her horn, teleporting both herself and the mask away, much to the collective groans of the crowd that now needed to track down and follow 'Luna' again.

Geez, all this stuff's been happening over the course of a single night. I wonder how the real Luna's doing?

Luna, no longer Princess of the Night, but rather Her Highness Princess Luna Moon Moon Fluffbuns the First of House Wayve, yawned, snuggling deeper into the pile of blankets provided to her by her human, Mike Rowe.

She must be suffering such immense pain, being away and isolated from pony society for so long. There's no saying what could happen to her-- especially since she was once on the moon for a thousand years! Equestria must bristle at the idea of the return of another Nightmare Moon...

Celestia reappeared in Canterlot Castle, letting the mask land softly on the bed. A devious grin surfaced on her face as she leaned in closer to the mask, opening her mouth. Her breathing steadily began to grow heavier the closer she got. Now nearly touching the ear of the mask, green flames burnt away the illusion, leaving behind one Queen Chrysalis leaning over the horsehead mask, ready to eat its nonexistent love at any moment.

"No! Get! Away! From! My! Sister!" The real Celestia swatted Queen Chrysalis several times with a little fly swatter. "You're a bad bug queenie! Go back to your bad bug land so that me and my sister can be happy in our happy pony land!"

Queen Chrysalis growled, which quickly turned into a whimper with the next smack of the flyswatter. She lit her horn and teleported away, swearing revenge for some other time.

Celestia lit her horn, wrapping her aura around the mask. "Finally... I shall right what was wronged..."

In a flash of light, Luna-- the real Luna, was once again in Equestria. Sure, she was currently tightly wrapped in a blanket burrito, but she was home.

But where did that horsehead mask go?

"MIIIIKE!" a voice called from the pet room, "WHY IS THERE A HORSEHEAD MASK ON ONE OF THE CATS?!"

If you or a loved one has suffered recently from broken logical functions, you may be entitled to compensation upwards of one firstborn child. This advertisement has been made to inform you that Flim and Flam holdings corporation has agreed to an out-of-court settlement of a firstborn child and a Burger King gift card for misinforming the public on the contents of their recent health product, henceforth referred to as "DUST-EZE REAR-END FORMULA" for the purposes of this advertisement. Unstated side-effects of "DUST-EZE REAR-END FORMULA" include at least one of the following: dead memes, dry humor and/or coughing, the re-use of jokes that existed before the story was written, believing that a horsehead is actually a Princess of Equestria, and more. "DUST-EZE REAR-END FORMULA" was falsely stated to contain "traces of Celestia's biological products", when in reality it was nothing but a mixture of household dust and table salt. The claims made of its health benefits, particularly those concerning broken bones, were also proven in-court to be blatantly false, as one unfortunate Royal Guard has sacrificed themselves for the sake of the case by stepping on a banana peel and breaking every bone in their body at once in an unbelievably rare case of "Midoriya Syndrome", in which the sheer power contained within their body has caused every bone to shatter from minimal force being exerted. Once again, if you or a loved one has su--

Spike turned off his laptop. That was enough internet for today.

Author's Note

I wonder who wrote this little blurb???

Congrats, you're using dark mode!How do you do, light mode user?