The Most Awesome, Epic, and Totally-not-ironically named story you will ever read!

by Leondude

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Original Character, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Slice of Life, Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1063

Prepare to go on the most epic trip of your life!

This is the awesome tale of one audacious stallion as he goes on an epic trip that will forever rock his world.

Published 2020-03-31 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-31 23:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1 - THE ONLY CHAPTER IN THIS TALE OF TESTOSTERONE-FUELED ADVENTURE!

In a world filled with epic adventures, magical mayhem, and dozens upon dozens of multicoloured ponies and other creatures of varying sentience and sapience, there was one pony filled with dreams and a burning passion to make those dreams a reality. This handsome pony was a unicorn stallion that had a crimson coat, a dark-red mane and tail as wild as the wildest fire along with a long and equally unkempt beard to match. His eyes were the colour of the darkest chocolate and his heart yearned for adventure as well as for the admiration of one Princess Twilight Sparkle. This sexy young lad of a pony stood upon his dinghy as it sailed across the South Luna Ocean, drinking in the refreshing air as it blew through his hair.

“I am off on an adventure!” this awesome pony in his prime declared.

“Damn it!”

Lion Dude banged his head against his desk, frustrated by another bout of writer’s block. It annoyed him to no end that he had difficulty putting his ideas into words and that the only time it came easily to him was when he was writing stories about pretty mares, mind-control magic, and primates. He sat back in his desk, his blue and yellow study bared luminated, and thought to himself on what to do to combat this problem. And that’s when he remembered he bought something off of Geronimo to help him relax and to hopefully increase his creativity. He opened the drawer underneath his desk and got out a small bit of paper that had bits of a crushed up plant on top of it. He organized the plant bits and wrapped the paper up into a nice little joint. Putting the joint in his mouth, he used his magic to create a small spark onto the end of his joint and hoped his study didn’t catch fire. And without a moment’s hesitation, he inhaled with the joint still in his mouth and exhaled after briefly taking it out with his magic.

Lion stared at the wall of the School of Friendship. It had a fresh coat of violet paint that glistened in the sunlight. It was such an extraordinary sight, watching the glimmering paint harden into a surface that was far less glimmering. Or maybe it will continue to glisten even after the paint had dried. It honestly depended on how sunny some days were. Or rather, how sunny Princess Twilight and the weather ponies up at Cloudsdale wanted it to be. While it was a normal part of everyday life, Lion alway found it weird that mortal ponies and a living deity among them were in charge of the weather.

Guess they don't really like leaving things up to chance, Lion thought to himself as he continued to watch the paint’s journey from being wet to being dry.

Due to the possibility of external factors like a snail crawling up the freshly coated walls or a leaf being blown onto the paint or some prick sticking their hoof into the paint like one would with wet cement, Lion also considered it extremely interesting to see if the paint will dry to true perfection or if it will be marked by the world the same way every living creature gets marked by the world. That is if every living creature was perfect to begin with and not a malignant swine that got worse with age. While Lion never liked his time at school, especially his time at Magic Kindergarten, he couldn’t deny that a school that taught friendship had some serious potential to do good. After all, friendship can be a fleeting thing and to know how to make a friend that would last a lifetime would be the greatest magic of all. Well, that and the magical capabilities of a draconequus but one would need a magical artefact or two in order to achieve power like that. Or one could just find a draconequus and use some centaur magic to absorb the draconequus’ magic. He wondered if things would have turned out different if he had known Twilight was in the same Magic Kindergarten class as him. Then again, ponies can change over time so it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility that Twilight wouldn’t have always been Lion’s type. Lion ought to know since he used to be a young, energetic and fantasy-prone pony with bucketsful of optimism and a desire to do good and became a jaded, nerdy, borderline misohippoic drug addict with a questionable sense of morality. On the bright side, at least he had a desire to create fiction and to entertain. Well, when he wasn’t busy getting absolutely off of his nut or sailing around Equestria looking for treasure and taking other ponies’ loot along the way. But due to an incident involving a group of sailor ponies that were hiding in a wooden horse that was lobbed at his ship, his pirating days were long gone.

“Can I help you?” a mare asked.

Lion turned around and noticed the mare talking to him was none other than Starlight Glimmer. He knew that Starlight knew that Lion wasn’t a student. Not that Lion wanted to be a student, considering he already had to deal with surviving kindergarten, elementary and high school and was sure as Tartarus that he would never want to enter another school again. Even if it was teaching something as genuinely important as friendship.

“I was watching paint dry,” Lion replied.

Starlight raised an eyebrow “Watching paint dry?”

“Well, it was either that or try to possess Sassy Saddles again. Besides, what else am I gonna do while high?”

“What?!” Starlight exclaimed.

“Don’t be like that,” Lion said in an annoyed tone “The stuff I’m on is gonna be legal in a few years.”

As Lion turned around to continue watching the paint dry, Starlight charged up a blast of magic, ready to banish Lion off of the school grounds as a catchy tune from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure played in the background.

Author's Note

April Fools! :rainbowwild:

I would have done a ponified rickroll but that's against site rules.

While I have your attention, check out this teaser trailer for an animated series I'm working on: