Taco Platter

“Checkmate,” Applejack said smugly, knocking Rainbow’s king over with one finger.

Rainbow Dash groaned and pressed her face into the table. “You must be cheating somehow.” She looked around the cafeteria table she shared with her friends. “All of you must have been cheating.”

Twilight, who sat next to her, rolled her eyes. “Everyone here followed the rules of chess exactly,” her eyes narrowed, “except for the six times I caught you cheating.”

“And we all beat you anyway,” Applejack said. “Just face it, Rainbow, you suck at chess.”

“Yeah,” Pinkie said, leaning against Applejack’s side as she laughed. “Like really, really suck.”

Rainbow’s cheeks lit up as she glared at her so-called friends. “I do not!”

“Dear,” Rarity said with a disapproving frown from Applejack’s other side, “you asked me to king your pawn.”

“So?” Rainbow asked.

Rarity sighed. “That’s from checkers.”

“Checkers, chess.” Rainbow waved a hand dismissively. “Those two are so alike I bet people mix them up all the time.”

“You called Uno when I got you down to one piece,” Sunset said from her spot next to Twilight.

“And Yahtzee with me,” Fluttershy whispered at Rainbow’s side.

“Give up already,” Applejack said. “You lost fair and square.”

Rainbow pulled together the tattered remains of her ego and shot Applejack one last defiant glare. “Screw you.”

Applejack laughed. “I reckon I’d be better than you at that too.”

Now, anyone who knew Rainbow Dash knew she didn’t handle losing very well. Even the word sent an uncomfortable shiver down her spine. And losing six times in a row, then getting mocked for it … Well, let’s just say she wasn’t thinking very clearly.

Which was her only excuse for what she said next.

“Want to make a bet on it?”

Applejack leaned back, blinking in confusion. “Make a bet on what?”

An idea was forming in Rainbow’s mind. It wasn’t the best idea—in fact, it might have been the dumbest idea she’d ever had—but she was already committed. She looked Applejack in the face and smirked. “A bet on who’s better at screwing.”

The whole table fell silent, so silent even the cafeteria noise around them seemed to grow dim. Students walked by, or ate lunch at nearby tables, all blissfully unaware of the monumental stupidity taking form just a few feet away.

Of course, stupidity is weak by itself. Much like a lie grows stronger when mixed with truth, stupidity can only achieve greatness when combined with fragments of brilliance. And Rainbow’s mind was suddenly lit up with brilliant ways to coerce her friends into a competition that would forever erase the sting of her losses at chess.

She grinned and turned her attention to Applejack. “What’s the matter? Are you afraid to admit all that bragging was a lie?”

And like that, Applejack’s fate was sealed. She hemmed and hawed, shifted and shrugged, but it was her pride and her honesty on the line. Absolutely no one was surprised when she finally gave up with a sigh. “Fine.” She glared at Rainbow. “Pick a boy, and I’ll rock his world so hard he won’t even remember you.”

“Not so fast,” Rainbow said, still grinning. “All of you were poking fun of me.” She looked around the table. “I deserve the chance to break even.”

Sunset Shimmer facepalmed. “Rainbow, you can’t expect us all to bang some random guy just because you stink at chess.”

Rainbow did her best to look hurt. “Really? So it’s fine for you all to gang up on me like that, talking about how dumb I am? I guess you meant no offense.”

“None taken,” Sunset said automatically, then she froze. One could almost see her brain grinding to a halt as the dreaded phrase was turned against her.

“I guess I just deserved a chance to redeem myself,” Rainbow said, struggling to hide a grin. “But if my friends don’t want to reach out to me, I’ll just wander off and let them forget me.”

Sunset had to lean on the table as the onslaught of memories pounded her reservations to dust. “That’s,” she muttered, “that’s fighting dirty.”

“So you’ll do it?” Rainbow asked.

Sunset let out a primal scream, making students all over the cafeteria reflexively duck for cover, then she slammed her head into the table and left it there. “Fine, but you owe me big.”

Rainbow just smirked. Another one down.

“I, for one, won’t be participating,” Rarity said, putting a hand to her chest, “and nothing you say will make me.”

Rainbow gave her a long, steady look. “You can design the lingerie I wear.”

Rarity paused, eyes widening.

“Imagine how great it would be to make customized outfits for me, you, and anyone else who wants to make a big impression,” Rainbow said, bouncing her eyebrows. “Imagine your best work getting burned into a guy’s mind so strongly he won’t ever be able to forget that amazing sight.”

Rarity’s whole body quivered. “I-I am only doing this for the sake of fashion.”

That made four.

Rainbow turned to Pinkie, who grinned back. “I’m in. It sounds fun.”

Five.

“Well, I’m not,” Twilight said, blushing furiously. “I’ve never had intercourse with anyone, and I don’t want my first time to be because of some stupid bet.”

“Really?” Rainbow asked. “Do you also turn first drafts into your teachers?”

Twilight gasped. “Rainbow, how could you even suggest such a thing! I would never turn a paper in unless I’d gone over it at least five times to make sure it was perfect.”

“Oh, but you’ll turn in a rough draft of sex to your first boyfriend?” Rainbow did her best to imitate Principal Celestia’s posture and voice. “You get a C plus, for obvious lack of experience with the subject matter.”

“C plus?” Twilight whispered. “That’s barely a passing grade!” Her hair somehow started to curl up into an untamed mess. “I can’t be a barely passing girlfriend!”

“Then join our study group,” Rainbow said, openly grinning. “We can compare notes to make sure you ace your first test.”

“Yes,” Twilight said firmly. “Deal. For the sake of good grades.”

Six down.

The entire group turned to Fluttershy, who was doing her best to hide behind both Rainbow Dash and her own hair, shaking like a leaf the whole time.

“C’mon, Fluttershy,” Rainbow said, propping her up so everyone could see her. “It won’t be a real victory if you don’t join in.”

“Do I have to?” Fluttershy said with a whimper. “Can’t I just cheer everyone on from the sidelines?”

Rainbow put her hands on Fluttershy’s shoulders and looked her right in the face. “Fluttershy, I know you don’t think you can do this, I know you’re scared, but all of us will be there for you. We’ll help you take this step in life, and when you do, we’ll be the ones cheering for you, because we all knew deep down you had the potential to be incredible, and you’ll finally be letting that potential show.” She pulled her into a tight hug. “I believe in you, Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy let out a soft cry of happiness. “Okay. With you all to help me, I can do anything.”

Pinkie sniffed and wiped her eyes. “That was such a touching speech, Rainbow.”

“For a thinly veiled attempt to guilt her into sleeping with some random guy just so Rainbow can feel better about herself,” Sunset said, rolling her eyes. “Yeah, real moving.”

Twilight cleared her throat. “Um, speaking of which, for the experiment to be accurate, the test subject would have to be unaware that he’s being tested, and so unable to form pre-existing biases that would skew the results.”

“So we don’t tell whoever it is,” Rainbow Dash said with a shrug.

“Fine,” Sunset said, “but who are we supposed to be banging?”

Rainbow blinked at her. Even a flash of brilliance as powerful as the one she’d just experienced wasn’t enough to cover everything. “I don’t know,” she said at last. “Some loser, I guess.”

Meanwhile, Flash Sentry sat at the far side of the cafeteria, eating a plate of fish tacos, unaware of how truly ironic his choice of lunch was about to be.