The Haphazard Hoodwink of Horsetown U.S.A

by Protopony350

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Death, Main 6, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 1094

Horsetown is in trouble, and only the appleiest Jackiest Pony can stop the Evil plan of Dr.Horsemire!

Horsetown U.S.A is under attack by the nefarious Dr.Horsemire! His plan? Destroy Saturday forever!

Who, you may ask, because you are so smart and talented, could stand in the face of such Evil with a capital "E"?

SPIKE?

Ha no!

It's Horsetown hero and winner of "Horsetown Culling '93," Applejack!

DRAMA? MAYBE!

SUSPENSE? I'M NOT TELLING!

PUNS? ...yeah

GET READY FOR A LAUGH A MINUTE AND A BATTLE THAT WILL LEAVE THOUSANDS OF ORPHANS IN: The Haphazard Hoodwink of Horsetown U.S.A!

Blame this person https://www.fimfiction.net/group/214288/the-cult-of-raccoon/thread/432759/crack-storm-2020-write-off-thread

Published 2020-04-01 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-01 03:00:01 UTC

Dr.Horsemire Begins

Deep in the drab, desolate, and downright depressing dregs of the deplorable, debauchery-drenched depths beneath Horsetown U.S.A, The nefarious, nasty, naughty, no-goodnik Dr.Horsemire plotted his diabolical, daring, and deplorable schemes!

"And one with EXTRA CHEESE!" he exclaimed into the phone as lightning struck the ground above him.

The Horsemire rose from his ever so comfy bed, put down his phone, and sat down for his all-puppy breakfast.

"Oh what a fine day for EVIL!" he exclaimed to the toaster. He took the last bite of his pupmeal and puptoast, put on his beautiful costume store lab coat, and walked into his ~~bathroom~~ laboratory.

A vile room this was. Mold grew from every surface, and viles of steaming liquids where strewn upon the ~~bathroom sink~~ science desk.

The Evil behooved science horse mixed the purple food coloring with the aged milk.

"MUA HA HA HA," he said, spaced just like that.

The earth began to tremble.

Above ground, at the Apple Hut

Applejack had just picked the final apple of the "Friday Apple Picking Day", a holiday which takes place every Friday.

"Ah Apple ect, I sure love apples!" Applejack said with a big strong pun about apples.

"Ah think Friday is mah favorite day to pick apples" she said as she reached for the full sized calender in her big stupid pocket "Now to see when my FAVORITE favorite day for picking apples is!" she said.

Applejack dropped all 84 apples she had in her front left hoof, and gasped.

"SATURDAY IS MISSING!" she screamed as she stared at the calender, which was missing every Saturday, also the sky was turning red and the ground was shaking but that's not important.

Applejack, in a pure panic, ran flailing her limbs, hitting and possibly killing 4 Ponies, screaming unrecognizable words.

"AHH!" yelped Twilight as Applejack collided with her at a speed as of then unseen to Ponykind.

"TLIWIGHT! STATERDAY! NO DAY! GONE CALEMDAR!" Applejack ranted.

Twilight wasn't moving.

Applejack had no time for her laziness! She rushed forward towards Pinkie Pie and her "Cupcake House of Profits."

The door exploded into atoms as Applejack burst into the shop.

"PINK ONE, SATURDAY HAS BEEN MURDERED!" Applejack said as she held up her calender, which had had every Saturday erased with some sort of magic. Or a magic marker. No one was really sure.

Pinkie Pie fainted.

MEANWHILE, IN THE LAIR OF THE BAD HORSE MAN

he was having coffee

Back on the surface, Pinkie Pie and Applejack were running door-to-door to warn the town of the incoming no Saturday!

"Hey, why is it getting hotter?" asked some stupid random pony.

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!" Applejack said as she threw an apple at him and he went flying into the air, never to be seen again.

The ground started to crack a little.

Fluttershy shook in fear so hard that she blipped out of time and space.

Above them, Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts were attempting to write the word "Saturday," in the sky, but they burst into flames half way through the "u".

Rarity sold a couple dresses. I dunno business was going pretty good for her she has her own thing going on ok? Also she doesn't own a calender.

Applejack stood upon a platform made of brick and bone, and made her grand plan known!

"This must be the work of the Evil DR.HORSEMIRE! Last week he called my apples 'lamepples,' so it gotta be him!"

The surviving Ponies grabbed torches and one had a chainsaw, and they began the seven thousand mile march to the lair of Dr.Horsemire!

Meanwhile Twilight did not appear to be breathing.

MEANWHILE, AT THE LAIR OF DR.HORSEMIRE!

He was taking a bath. He deserves his privacy so you don't get to see him playing with his rubber ducky.

Applejack lead her army across many perilous adventures. One time they fought a dragon! He didn't attack them he was just buying coffee but THEY STILL WON THE DAY! Applejack used his skin to make her OWN calender, but unfortunately forgot to include Saturday.

"Aye Applejack, why is that mountain on fire?" asked Applebloom

"It must be just as FIRED UP as us about the loss of Saturday!" she said and no one laughed.

Princess Celestia was so busy mourning over the body of Twilight that she didn't notice Canterlot crumble to the ground far below. Luna was asleep in the castle so yikes.

Pinkie Pie, who had 2 months into the journey split off into her own group of "Pinkie Warriors," suddenly appeared!

"Pinkie Pie? I thought we left you in the ruins of Yakyakistan!" barked Applejack in anger!

"You thought you could stop the ol' Pinkster did ya? Well I would NEVER abandon a FRIEND!" she said as she lauched a volley of fire filled pies at Applejack and her forces!

Pinkie Pie had snapped. One week into their journey, she had discovered that her next birthday was on a SATURDAY! This was enough to turn her into an evil murderous road warrior apparently.

Oh also Discord has been taking a nap this whole time.

The battle raged, but soon Applejack remembered to throw an apple at Pinkie Pie and she exploded.

After 4 years of walking, they had arrived at the doorstep of Dr.Horsemire!"

"Hey, why did we walk all the way around the world to get here instead of walking half a mile in the other direction to get here?" asked Spike

Applejack glared at him. He knew the answer, and he knew better!

They opened the door.

"Eh?" asked Horsemire who had forgotten about the whole thing.

"We're here ta take our Saturdays back!" said Applejack.

"We?" asked the uncomfortably handsome Doctor.

Applejack hadn't noticed that the entire population of Horsetown had died on the journey, even Spike 30 seconds ago!

"I'M GONNA-"

And all was silent.

For you see, the erasure of Saturday wasn't due to Horsemire's GENIUS mixture of food coloring and milk, but it was the BUTTON under the vile. The food coloring added just enough weight to make the button activate!

Everything around them had ignited. None survived. Applejack looked in horror as all things vanished.

"HAHAHA, YOU SEE, YOU WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT SAVING SATURDAY THAT YOU DID NOT NOTICE THAT I HAD ATTACHED A CONTINENT SIZED JET ENGINE TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE PLANET, SLOWLY MOVING THE PLANET INTO THE SUN, AND TRULY ENDING SATURDAY FOREVER!" the mad Doctor explained.

"...huh," said Applejack as all was turned to dust.

The end I guess idk